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Addressing Shame in the pursuit of wellnessMarc V. Pimsler,

MA, MAC, CCS, NCC, ACRPS, CYT, RRT-CP

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Review differences of guilt vs. shame

Explore sense of self

Explore agents of change for guilt vs. shame

Doing the work

What are your thoughtsaround shame and addiction?

What is the difference betweenShame and Guilt?

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Guiltnounnoun: guilt

1 the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime."it is the duty of the prosecution to prove the prisoner's guilt"

▪ a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation."he remembered with sudden guilt the letter

synonyms: culpability, guiltiness, blameworthiness;

verbinformalverb: guilt; 3rd person present: guilts; past tense: guilted; past participle: guilted; gerund or present participle: guilting

1 1. make (someone) feel guilty, especially in order to induce them to do something."Celeste had been guilted intogoing by her parents"

Shamenounnoun: shame

1 a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior."she was hot with shame"

Synonyms: humiliation, mortification, chagrin, ignominy, embarrassment, indignity, discomfort

2. a loss of respect or esteem; dishonor."the incident had brought shame on his family"

Synonyms: disgrace, dishonor, discredit, degradation, ignominy, disrepute, infamy, scandal, opprobrium, contempt;"he brought shame on the family"

used to reprove someone for something of which they should be ashamed."shame on you for hitting a woman"

▪ a regrettable or unfortunate situation or action."it's a shame she never married"

verbverb: shame; 3rd person present: shames; past tense: shamed; past participle: shamed; gerund or present participle: shaming

1 1. (of a person, action, or situation) make (someone) feel ashamed."I tried to shame him into giving some away"

2 synonyms:humiliate, mortify, chagrin, embarrass, abash, chasten, humble,

to take down a peg or two, cut down to size

Shame is a basic, universal human experience

Dr. Brown’s definition of shame is: the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging

Shame is related to fear, blame and disconnection

Shame drives two main messages:

“Not enough”

“Who do you think you are”

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“Shame is the experience of one’s felt sense of self disintegrating in relation to a dysregulating other”

- Patricia DeYoung

- Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame – A Relational/Neurobiological Approach

Guilt ShameResults from

Origin

Concerned with

Path

Repaired by

Shame is related to guilt, embarrassment and humiliation but different

Guilt motivates – “I made a mistake”

Shame isolates – “I am a mistake”

Embarrassment is fleeting and usually ends up funny (eventually)

Humiliation feels bad but makes us angry because it is done to us

Examples

Self-talk

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Whenever the environment (in particular significant others) needs the individual to be something which he or she is not

"Don't be who you are, be who I need you to be. Who you are disappoints me, threatens me, angers me, over stimulates me. Be what I want and I will love you"

Devastates the individual's emerging self. Unable to be what he or she truly is the narcissistically injured person adapts by splitting his personality into the nuclear (real) self and the false self

ShameEtymology - German - skem-, from *kem- "to cover" (covering oneself)

Not only what external factors trigger our shame but also how to recognize the internal triggers/signs

Where in the body exercise

I physically feel shame in/on my…

My shame symptoms include…

I know I’m in shame when I feel…

If I could taste shame, it would taste…

If I could smell shame, it would smell like…

If I could touch shame, it would feel like…

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Shame SculptShow me don’t tell me

Any human emotion can become internalized. When internalized, an emotion stops functioning as an emotion and becomes an identity.

Internalization involves 3 processes:

Identification with shame-based models

Abandonment of Self and others

Interconnection of memory imprints(Bradshaw, 1933)

Identification is normal and gives us security

No other striving is as compelling as the need to belong

Shame Transference - when we identify with shame-based models we internalize their shame and thus carry both our shame as well as the shame of our models.

(Bradshaw, 1933)

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When we internalize shame we abandon the Self

We can not know who we are without reflective mirroring

Abandonment includes the loss of mirroring

(Bradshaw, 1933)

Shame creates memory imprints through which we filter decision rules about almost every aspect of our existence.

Memory is also not stored in just our mind but also our body.

Rabbit

Fires up visual cortex of the brain and creates physiological changes

The person experiences the memory as if it is happening at the current moment.

Hypervigilance, Impulse control, Problematic Perceptions

Dis-Ordered Filing. “Healing means bringing the person into the present where the danger is gone” - Bessel Van Der Kolk

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Shame is created by experiences occurring in relationship

Thus

Shame is healed by experiences occurring in relationship

Experiential Therapy - Doing experiences vs talking experiences

Shame & Addiction Cycle

(Bradshaw, 1933)

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–John Bradshaw

“Because the exposure of self to self lies at the heart of neurotic shame, escape from the self is

necessary. The escape from self is accomplished by creating a false self. The false

self is always more or less than human”

Hiding the Authentic SelfPublic self - Private self

Breeding ground for shame

Sense of selfBalancing a healthy sense of self

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Acceptance of essential limitation

Acceptance of imperfection

Establishment of relationship between powerfulness as well as powerlessness

Proper placement of dependence as well as independence

Balance of action and inaction - Human BEing vs DOing

Owning the space allotted to us(Kurtz, 2007)

Less than humanUnworthiness

Beast

More than humanArrogance

Angel

Right sizedHumilityHuman

Taking up the space allotted to us

Contraction Puffed UpFully Actualized

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Community

Honest self-identification

Exposure (coming out)

REcovery, UNcovery, DIScovery

Grief work / Trauma Work

Service Work

Daily practice

Awareness of our armor/open heart

Cultivating gratitude and joy

Gratitude list group

Gratitude journal

Gratitude visit

Bradshaw, J. (2005). Healing The Shame That Binds You.

Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are.

Dreamer, O. M. (1999). The Invitation.

Connelly, J. (2017). Personal Communication

Kurtz, E. (2007). Shame & Guilt.

DeYoung, P. (2015). Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame.

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in The healing of Trauma

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Marc V. Pimsler, MA, MAC, CCS, NCC, ACRPS, CYT, RRT-P

marc@mvp-consulting.net

404-839-2331www.marcpimsler.com

www.mvp-consulting.net

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