I never liked Whole Foods. I never wanted to shop there. I think it is an elitist, overpriced sham. I found Whole Foods reprehen-sible even before their CEO John Mackey wrote his horrible op- ed in Th e Wall Street Journal.

I hate Whole Foods because everything is overpriced. Most people want to be healthy and everybody should have access to healthy things but what Whole Foods is trying to establish and represent is the idea that you can’t be healthy unless you can af-ford it. Notwithstanding there’s no indication that organic vege-tables are any better for you than non- organic vegetables. Are you worried about pesticides? You’ll adapt to pesticides. What are we, a bunch of pussies all of a sudden? We’ve adapted to worse. Th e air in my house is 65 percent feline shit particulate. I can handle some non- organic fruit. In terms of nutrients they’re no diff erent. For years I shopped at a vegetable stand in Astoria from a guy with a Greek accent a block from an elevated subway that rained fi lth from the sky every seven minutes. I was fi ne.

★ 20 ★

Whole Foods

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John Mackey, the CEO of Whole Foods, wrote an editorial in Th e Wall Street Journal against health care reform. Th ere was a lot of libertarian wrong- mindedness in his piece— some crazy ideas about tort reform, some misguided nonsense about allow-ing insurance companies to go across state lines, which I think will only lead to bigger monopolizations, not more competitive markets.

Th ere’s a lot of bullshit in his editorial. But the thing that inter-ests me the most is these couple of paragraphs:

Many promoters of health- care reform believe that people have an intrinsic ethical right to health care—to equal access to doctors, medicines and hospitals. While all of us empathize with those who are sick, how can we say that all people have more of an intrinsic right to health care than they have to food or shelter?

What I extrapolate from that paragraph is that he is willing to just let poor people die. It’s not his fault or even his concern. It’s part of the malignant evolutionary theory of free market capital-ism. If you can’t aff ord the good food or if you can’t aff ord health care or if you don’t have a job or if your car is dangerous because you can’t get it fi xed and you DIE, you just lost the game— bzzzzz— thanks for playing extreme capitalism.

Here’s the next paragraph:

Health care is a service that we all need, but just like food and shelter it is best provided through voluntary and mutually benefi cial market exchanges. A careful reading of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution will not reveal any intrinsic right to health care, food or shelter. Th at’s because there isn’t any. Th is “right” has never existed in America.

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166 At tempting Normal

Okay, well how about we make it a new right? What’s wrong with that? Later in his editorial Mackey says:

Unfortunately many of our health-care problems are self- infl icted: two- thirds of Americans are now over-weight and one- third are obese. Most of the diseases that kill us and account for about 70% of all health-care spending—heart disease, cancer, stroke, diabetes and obesity—are mostly preventable through proper diet, exercise, not smoking, minimal alcohol consump-tion and other healthy lifestyle choices.

So listen, all of you sick people, despite however you may have gotten ill, whether it was genetic, or who knows why you got can-cer. If you just eat better, and perhaps shop at Whole Foods, you have a better shot at survival. As long as you don’t get caught or killed stealing or robbing someone just to aff ord a head of lettuce or a slice of meat at that place, that is.

I decided to boycott Whole Foods, like lots of other people. I’d been doing it even before the editorial because it made my soul feel less dirty. But aft er the editorial I took it further. My subse-quent action was impulsive and mysterious to me. I don’t know why I did it. I will try to fi gure it out here.

I wanted to buy some stevia, which is a very sweet sweetener derived from a root. It has no fat in it, no chemicals. It’s spectacu-lar stuff . I usually get the stevia at Trader Joe’s, a nice store that doesn’t present any political or ethical dilemmas. I fi nd TJ’s irri-tating because everyone is so friendly and I start to question that, but that’s my problem. Also, the way they package things is a little too cute for me but there are a couple of things I get there. Stevia is one of those things.

But on this day, they didn’t have the stuff I wanted. Th e good

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stuff . Th e 100 percent pure stuff . Th ey had the one that was cut with fi ller to bulk it up, like shitty cocaine.

I knew I could go to Whole Foods and get pure stevia. I’ll admit I have lapses in personal integrity. I thought to myself: “You have your principles. But these are extenuating circumstances. Go get the stevia. It’s not that big of a deal.”

I went into the Whole Foods in Union Square in New York, which is a block away from the Trader Joe’s. I’m a sellout, a scab, but I go in. I’m just going to grab the high- grade stevia. I walk into the Whole Foods and it’s a cluster- fuck of food elitism, quirky handwritten signs, overpriced food, and lines and lines of people. Th ey run people through a literal maze to pay for food. Th ey treat you like a rodent. You have to respond to a color and a number signaling you forward like an aspirational healthy robot.

But I press on. I go downstairs, I pick up the stevia, the good shit, 100 percent. I’m holding it in my hand and looking out at the Whole Foods all around me. I’m feeling absolute disgust. I hate everything it represents. I hate John Mackey. I hate the idea that people have to pay through- the- ass exorbitant amounts of money just to have healthy food. It’s not right, and I blame John Mackey, but my hatred for this kind of grotesque third- world unfairness existed before him and runs deeper than one rich asshole. I look over at the long line, the customers with their carts and baskets, penned in like cattle. I’m holding my little container of stevia. It’s $7.99. I’m looking at it and realize, “Dude there is no way you are waiting on that line. And you know what? Th ere’s no way you’re paying for this stevia. You cannot pay for it. What you are going to do, Marc, is you’re going to hold it in your hand in front of you as if you’re looking at it and walk right out of the store.”

Th at’s what I did. I held the stevia in front of me. Not because I didn’t want it to look like I was stealing. I wanted to hold it right out in front of me as if to say I’m leaving with this because I de-

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168 At tempting Normal

serve it, because this store sucks, because I don’t want to wait on line, because the person who runs this operation is a wrong- minded, right- wing libertarian whack- job who just wants poor people to die, that’s why. I was holding it as if I were the Statue of Liberty, my container of stevia my torch. I walked out through the in door, past the security guard, holding that stevia in front of me, looking at it as I walked out onto the street. When I was back out on the street, I stood in front of the store holding the plastic jar aloft . I wanted to see if anyone was going to stop me, to say, “Do you want to pay for that, buddy? Did you forget something, buddy? You’re under arrest.” Any of that. Nothing happened. I waited a few minutes. I probably looked ridiculous standing there on a crowded New York City street with my stevia in the air, but I waited a few minutes more and no one came. I put the stevia in my bag. I felt good.

Not only did I not feel guilty, but I felt like I wanted to go back and steal more stuff from Whole Foods. It’s easy if you live in a big city. Th ey can’t manage that place. Th ey can barely manage the lines.

Join me. Go in. Get yourself some healthy greens, some or-ganic produce, and some vitamins if you have no money. Just bring your Whole Foods organic hemp bag, load it up, and just walk out. Walk out through the in- door. And if they ask if you paid for it just say, “Yeah, I did.” Or if you pussy out, just say, “I forgot because I have a vitamin defi ciency because I’ve been eat-ing and shopping at aff ordable supermarkets lately. I should al-ways shop here, because do you see what happens when I don’t? I’m sorry,” and go back in and pay for it.

Don’t boycott Whole Foods— steal from them.

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Excerpted from Attempting Normal by Marc Maron. Copyright © 2013 by Marc Maron. Excerpted by permission of Spiegel & Grau, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of

this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

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