lying out loud - droppdf1.droppdf.com/files/u2isw/lying-out-loud-kody-keplinger.pdf · working...
TRANSCRIPT
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Contents
TitlePageDedication123456
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7891011121314151617
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29303132AcknowledgmentsAbouttheAuthorCopyright
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I,SonnyElizabethArdmore,doherebyconfessthatIamanexcellentliar.ItwasneversomethingI
aspiredtobe,butratheratalentthatIcouldn’tavoid.Itstartedwithliesaboutmyhomework—Icouldactually
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convinceteachersthatmydogateit,withfaketearsandeverythingifneeded—andthenItoldliesaboutmyfamily—myfatherwasaninternationalbusinessman,notadeadbeatthiefwho’dbeentossedinjailwhenIwasseven—and,eventually,Iwaslyingabouteverythingelse,too.
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ButasexcellentaliarasImaybe,lyinghasn’tledmetomuchexcellencelately.SolettherecordshowthatthistimeIamtellingthetruth.Allofit.Thewholeshebang.Evenifitkillsme.
***
Itellthemostliesonbaddays,andtheFridaymycellphone—oneofthoseold,
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clunky,pay-as-you-gobricksthatonlyplayedpolyphonicringtones—decidedtostopworkingaftersixlongyearsofuse,wasaparticularlybadday.Ithadflatlinedsometimein
thenight,apeaceful,quietsortofdeath,andleftmewithoutmyusualfivea.m.alarm.Instead,Iawokewhen
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Amy’sphone(thenewest,mostexpensivemodelofsmartphone,naturally)beganblaringanall-too-realisticfiretruck–stylesiren.Iboltedupright,myheart
jackhammering,whilenexttome,onhersideofthebed,mybestfriendsnoozedon.“Amy.”Ishovedherarm.
“Amy,shutthatthingoff.”
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Shegroanedandrolledover.Thesirenkeptwailingasshefumbledwiththephone.Finally,itwentsilent.“WhyinGod’snamewould
youwanttowakeuptothatsound?”Iaskedherasshestretchedherlong,thinarmsoverherhead.“It’stheonlyalarmloud
enoughtowakemeup.”
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“Anditbarelyaccomplishesthat.”Itwasn’tuntilthenthatI
realizedwhatAmy’shorriblewake-upcallmeant.Iwassupposedtobeupbeforeher.Iwassupposedtogetreadyandsneakoutofherhousebeforeherparentswokeupatsix.Butmyphonewasn’tworkinganditwassix-fifteen
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andI,toputitbluntly,wasfuckingscrewed.“Whydon’tyoujusttellmy
parentsyoufellasleepherelastnight?”AmyaskedasIscrambledaroundtheroom,draggingouttheduffelbagofwrinkledclothesIkepthiddenunderherbed.“Theywon’tcare.”“Becausethenthey’llwant
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togoreassuringmymomaboutwhereIwas,”Isaid,pullingagreenT-shirtonovermyincrediblyimpressivebedhead.“Andthat’llopenupawholenewsetofquestions,andjustno.”“Istilldon’tseewhyyou
can’tjusttellthemshekickedyouout.”Amystoodupandstartedcombingherdark
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curls,which,despiteallthelawsofphysics,stilllookedperfectafteranight’ssleep.Amywasoneofthoserarepeoplewholookedgorgeousfirstthinginthemorning.Itbroughtawholenewmeaningto“beautyrest.”IwouldhavehatedherforitifIdidn’tlovehersomuch.“It’sjusttoocomplicated,
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okay?”Itookthecombfromher
andbegantoworkouttheknotsinmyhair.ThatwastheonlythingAmyandIhadincommon—webothhadinsanelycurlyhair.Likecorkscrewcurls.Thekindthateveryonethinkstheywantbut,inreality,youcan’tdoadamnthingwith.But
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whereAmy’swerelong,darkbrown,andperfect,minewereshoulderlength,blond,andslowlydestroyingmysanity.Ittookforevertopickoutthetangleseachmorning,andtoday,Ididn’thaveforever.“Well,Ihopeyouandyour
momgetitworkedoutsoon,”shesaid,“becauseIlove
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havingyoustayhere,butthisisgettingalittletoocomplicated.”“You’retellingme.”She
wasn’ttheonewhowasabouttomakeatwo-storydropoutofawindow.Inthehall,IcouldhearMr.
Rushmovingaround,gettingreadyforwork.Now,withmyteethunbrushedand
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withoutaspeckofdeodoranttocoverupmygloriousnaturalodor,wasthetimetomakemyescape.IranovertoAmy’swindow
andshoveditopen.“IfIdiedoingthis,pleasedeliverasomewhathumorousbutoverallheartbreakingeulogyatmyfuneral,okay?”“Sonny!”Amygrabbedmy
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armanddraggedmeawayfromthewindow.“Noway.You’renotdoingthat.”“Whynot?”“Forstarters,it’snotsafe,”
shesaid.Whensherealizedthatwasn’tenoughtodeterme,sheadded,“Andalsoyou’dbedroppingrightpastthekitchenwindow.IfMom’sdownthereeating
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breakfastandseesagirlfallingfromthesky…”“Goodpoint.Damnit.What
doIdo?”“Justwaituntileveryone
leaves,”shesaid.“Youcansneakoutandlockthedoorwiththesparekey.It’sunderthe—”“Flowerpotnexttothedoor.
Yeah.Iknow.”
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Andwhilethiswasamorepracticalplan,tobesure,itwasn’tthemostsuitedforpunctuality.Amy’sparentsdidn’tleaveuntilseven-thirty,onlyfifteenminutesbeforeIhadtobeatschool.Theminutethefrontdoorslammed,Iscrambleddownthehallandintothebathroomtofinishmynecessary
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hygieneritualsbeforeboltingdownstairsandoutthedoormyself.Ilockedup,thencutacross
theirbackyardanddownMiltonStreettotheGrayson’sGroceriesparkinglot,whereIhadleftmycarthenightbefore.“Hello,Gert,”Isaid,
tappingthehoodoftheold
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silverstationwagon.Shewasoneuglybeastofacar.Butshewasmine.Iclimbedintothefrontseat.“Hopeyousleptwell,butI’minahurry,sopleasedon’tbeinashittymoodtoday.”Iturnedthekeyinthe
ignition.Itrevved,buttheenginewouldn’tturnover.Igroaned.
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“Nottoday,Gert.Havesomemercy.”Itriedagainand,asifshe’d
heardme,Gert’smotorfinallystartedtohum.And,justlikethat,wewereoff.Thebellhadalreadyrung
bythetimeIpulledintotheseniorparkinglot,whichmeantthemaindoorhadlockedandMrs.Garrison,the
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perpetuallygrumpyfrontdesklady,hadtobuzzmein.“Sonya,”shesaid,greeting
mewhenIgottothemainoffice.Icringed.Ihated—hated
—myfullfirstname.“You’relate,”she
announced,asifIsomehowwasn’taware.“Iknow.I’msorry,Ijust
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…”Showtime.Mylipstartedtoquiverand,
oncue,myeyesbegantowellupwithtears.Ilookeddownatmyshoesandtookadramatic,raspybreath.“Myhamster,Lancelot,died
thismorning.Iwokeupandhewasjust…inhiswheel…lyingsostill….”Icovered
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myfacewithmyhandsandbegantosob.“I’msorry.Youprobablythinkit’sstupid,butIlovedhimsomuch.”“Oh,sweetheart.”“Iknowit’snotanexcuse,
but…Ijust…I’msorry,Lancelot.”IwasworriedImightbe
playingituptoomuch,butthensheshovedatissueinto
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myhandandpattedmyarmsympathetically.“Letitout,”shesaid.“I
knowitcanbehard.WhenIlostWhiskerslastyear…Listen,I’llwriteyouanoteforfirstblock.I’llsayyouhadafamilyemergency.Don’tworryaboutit.I’llmakesurethisisexcused.”“Thankyou,”Isniffed.
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ThetearshaddriedupbythetimeIreachedmyAPEuropeanhistoryclass.Mr.BuckleywasinthemiddleofhislecturewhenIslippedintotheroom.Unfortunately,henevermissedanything,sotherewasnochanceofmesneakingbacktomychairwithouthimnoticing.“Ms.Ardmore,”hesaid.
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“Youfinallydecidedtojoinus.”“Sorrytointerrupt,”Isaid.
“Ihaveanote.”Ihandedhimtheslipof
paperI’dbeengivenatthefrontdesk.Hereaditquicklyandnodded.“Fine.Takeyourseat.Isuggestyouborrownotesonthefirstpartofthelecturefromoneofyour
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classmates.”“That’sit?”RyderCross
askedasIslidintotheseatbehindhis.“Shecomesinhalfanhourlateandtherearenoconsequences?”“Shehasanotefromthe
office,Mr.Cross,”Mr.Buckleysaid.“Whatconsequenceswouldyousuggest?”
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“Idon’tknow,”Ryderadmitted.“Butshedisruptedtheclassbycominginlate,andit’snotasifthisisthefirsttime.BackatmyschoolinDC,theteachersweremuchmorestrict.Excuseswererarelyaccepted.Andthestudentscaredmuchmoreabouttheireducation,too.Here,itseemslikejustabout
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anythingcangetexcused.”Irolledmyeyessohardit
hurt.“Thengoback,”Isuggested.“Don’tworryaboutussimplefolkhereinHamilton.We’llmakedowithoutyou.Iassureyou,youwon’tevenbemissed.”Therewasanappreciative
murmurfromtherestoftheclass.EvenMr.Buckleygave
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thetiniestofnods.Ryderturnedinhisseatso
thathecouldlookmeintheeye.Thesadthingwas,ifhehadn’tbeensuchatool,heprobablywouldhavebeenpopulararoundhere.Hehadsmoothbrownskinandshockinglybrightgreeneyes.Hisblackhairwaskeptshortandneat,buthewasalways
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dressedasifhewasonhiswaytoaconcertforabandnoonehadeverheardof.Slightlydisheveled,butinaverydeliberateway.Hisclothes,though,alwayslookedlikethey’dbeentailoredtofithislean,muscularframe.OnoccasionI’devenseenhimwearthick-rimmedglassesthatIknewhe
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didn’tneed.Inotherwords,hewashot,
butinanannoying,hipsterysortofway.Sincehe’darrivedat
HamiltonHighatthebeginningofthesemester,he’ddonenothingbutdiseverythingabouttheschoolanditsstudentbody.ThelunchesathisschoolinDC
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weresomuchbetter,thekidsathisschoolinDCwalkedfasterinthehallways,theteachersathisschoolinDCweremorequalified,thefootballteamathisschoolinDCwonmoregames,etcetera,etcetera.Now,Iwasn’texactly
burstingwithschoolspirit,butevenIcouldn’tstandhis
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attitude.WhichbecameevenmorerepulsivewhenhestartedpostingsnarkyFacebookstatusesabouthowlameoursmalltownwas.You’dthinkourlackoffive-starfinediningwasputtinghiminphysicalagony.Thelongandshortofitwas,
Rydercamefrommoney.Politicalmoney.Hisfather
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wasacongressmanfromMaryland—afactheneverfailedtoshareatanyopportunity—andinhisnot-so-humbleopinion,Hamiltonandeveryonewholivedheresucked.Everyone,thatis,except
Amy.BecauseRyderhaddevelopedadisgustinglyobviousandtotally
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unrequitedcrush.Icouldn’tfaulthimforthat,though.Amywasgorgeousandrich,justlikehim.Amy,however,wasthekindofgirlwhogavepersonalizedChristmascardstoallofthelunchladies,andhewasadick.Hewasstillstaringatme,
andIsuddenlybecamealltooawareofthejeansI’dbeen
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wearingforalmostaweekwithoutwashingthemandthetornhemonthesleeveofmyT-shirt.Istraightenedupandstaredhimdown,daringhimtocomparemetothegirlsathisschoolinDC,butbeforehecouldsayanything,Mr.Buckleyclearedhisthroat.“Okay,class.Enough’s
enough.Historyislong,but
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weonlyhaveayeartogetthroughthismaterial.Now,let’sgetbacktotheGreatSchism,which,Iknow,soundsvaguelyliketoilethumor,butwe’regoingtopresson,regardless.”Ryderturnedbackaroundin
hisseat,andIwentaboutmybusinesstakingnotesonthatunfortunatelynamedmoment
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inhistory.Thingswerelookingup
untilthirdblock,whenIrealizedI’dleftmychemistrybookatAmy’s.IhadtoconvinceMrs.Taylor,whowasatotalhard-assandknowntogivedetentionforlesserthings,thatI’dbeentutoringatthelocalchildren’shospitalinOakHillandhad
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accidentallyleftitwithoneofthekids.“I’llgetitbackfromher
tomorrow,”Isaid.“I’mgoingtoseeherbeforeshestartshernextroundofchemo.Ipromisetogetitbackthen.”Andsheboughtit.Hook,
line,andsinker.Iwasawareofmystatusas
aterribleperson.ButIliked
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tothinkofmylyingabilitiesasgifts.AndwhyelsewouldIhavethemifnottobeused?Especiallyondayslikethis,whereeverythingjustseemedtobegoingwrong.Ididn’thaveenoughmoney
inmywalletforlunch,soratherthanadmittingthatthingswereshittyathomeandIwasbroke,Itoldthe
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much-too-soft-heartedcashierthatI’dgivenmylastdollartothehomelessmanwhooccupiedthecornerafewblocksfromschool.Shecovereditforme.Thenthestraponmycrappy
two-dollarflip-flopbroke,avolleyballslammedrightintomyfaceingymclass,and,totopitoff,Istartedmyperiod.
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Amywouldcallitkarma.She’dsaythiswastheuniverse’spunishmentforallthelies.But,thetruthwas,thelyinghelped.Wheneverythingfeltoutofcontrol,itputmebackincontrol.Iwassurethedaycouldn’t
getworse,whichwas,perhaps,myfatalflaw.Whenyouletyourselfthinkthat
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thingscan’tgetworse,theyinevitablywill.“SoI’llseeyoutonight?”
Amyaskedasweheadedoutintotheseniorparkinglot.“Yep.Ican’ttextyou,
though,soyou’llhavetowatchforme.I’llbeoutsidearoundtheusualtime.”“Okay.”Shegavemea
quickhug.“Havefunat
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work.”Iwavedasshehurriedoffto
herLexus.ItriedtotellmyselfIwasn’thorriblyjealousofherandherrichparentsandherfancycar.IhadGert,afterall.Whowouldn’twantGert?Imighthavebeengoodat
lying,butevenIdidn’tbuythatoneforaminute.
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Iclimbedintothecarandtossedmybackpackintothepassenger’sseat.“Allright,Gert,”Isaid,stickingthekeyintheignition.“Timeforwork.”ButwhileIwasareliable
employee(mostofthetime),Gerthaddecidedshewasn’tinthemoodtoday.Theenginerevvedandrevved,but
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nothinghappened.Thebatterywasdead,andIhadtobeatthemovietheaterformyshiftintwentyminutes.Igrabbedmycell,planning
tocallAmytoaskforaride,onlytothenrememberthatmyancientphonehadrecentlybreatheditslastbreath.Ihoppedoutofthecar,hopingtoflagherdown
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beforeshelefttheparkinglot,butIwastoolate.IcouldalreadyseetheLexusspeedingoffintothedistance.Therewasnowayaroundit.
Iwasstuck.I’dhavetofindsomeonetojump-startmycar,andwhoknewhowlongthatwouldtake.Andjustthen,becauseit’s
possiblethatallAmy’s
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theoriesabouttheuniverse’srevengeweretrue,theskyopenedupanditbeganpouringrain.Leavingmewithonlyonethingtosay:“Motherfucker.”
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Theseniorparkinglotwasalreadyclosetoemptywhentherainstarted.IsatinsideGert,watchingtheexitandhopingsomeonewouldcomeoutsoon.Unfortunately,thefirstpersontoappear,mywould-besavior,wasatall
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boyintheT-shirtofanobscureband,adistressedbutstillclearlyexpensivehoodie,andtwo-hundred-dollarjeans.“You’vegottobekidding
me,”IsaidasIreachedforthedoorhandle.Iwantedtojustwaitforthenextpersontocomeout,butwhoknewhowlongthatwouldbe.Chanceswere,therestof
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thesecarsbelongedtotheoverachievingtypeswhostayedafterschoolforchessclubandstudentgovernment.Thosenerdsandtheirresume-buildingactivitieswerenogoodtomerightnow.SoRyderCrosswasmyonlychoice.Ihoppedoutofthecar,
holdingmyhistorytextbook
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overmyheadtoprotectmycurlsfromthedownpourofdoom.“Ryder!”Ishouted.Hewas
alreadyhalfwayacrosstheparkinglot.“Hey,Ryder!”Hestoppedandturnedto
lookatme.Hedidn’thaveanumbrella,andtherainwasmakinghisclothesclingtohim.Theviewwasn’thalf
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bad.Unfortunately,however,mynextquestionwouldrequirehimtospeak.“Mycar’sdead,”Isaid.“Do
youhavejumpercablesorsomething?”Hestartedwalkinginmy
direction,buthewasshakinghishead.“Idon’t.”Isighed.“Ofcoursenot.Let
meguess,thecarsinDC
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don’tdie?Orneedrepairs?”“Can’tyoucallsomeone?”“Myphonedoesn’twork.”“Seemslikeeverything
aroundyouisfaulty.”“Well,noteveryonehas
politicianparentstopayforourthings.Someofusactuallyhavetoworkforwhatweown.Yourconcernisappreciated,though.”
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Herolledhiseyes.“Ifyou’regoingtobelikethat,thenforgetit.Iwasgoingtoletyouusemyphone.”“Really?”“Yeah.I’mnotanasshole.”“Debatable.”“You’dbecallingAmy,
right?”Andthereitwas.The
ulteriormotiveI’dbeen
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expecting.Hewasright,though.WhoelsewouldIcall?Iknewshewouldn’thavejumpercables,butshe’datleastbeabletogivemearidetothetheater.WeclimbedintoGert,both
ofussoaked.Thecarpetedseatswouldbebrilliantlymoldythenextday—somethingtolookforwardto.
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Hehandedmehisphone,thesamemodelasAmy’s,andIquicklydialedhernumber.ItwastheonlyoneIhadmemorized.“Hello?”“Hey,Amy.”“Sonny?Whereareyou
callingfrom?Idon’trecognizethenumber.”“Ourfavoritehumanbeing
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waskindenoughtobestowthehonoroftelephoneusageonme.”Silence.“I’mborrowingRyder’s
phone.”“Oh.”Ididn’thavetoseeherface
toknowhertinybuttonnosehadwrinkled.“Mycar’sdeadandmy
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phoneisbroken.Andmyshiftisin…oh,sevenminutes.Pleasehelp.”“Onmyway.”Ireturnedthephoneto
Ryder.“She’scomingbacktogetme.Soyoucangonow.”Andthen,witheveryounceofwillpowerIhad,Iforcedmyselftoadd,“Andthanks.Forthephone.”
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Heshrugged,buthedidn’tmovetogetoutofthecar.“Doyouneedsomething?”I
asked.“No.IjustfiguredI’dstick
arounduntilAmygetshere…justtoseeyouoffsafely.”Isnorted.“Oh,yes.I’msure
mysafetyisapriorityofyours.StopwastingyourtimewiththiscrushonAmy.It’s
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annoyingandpatheticand,ifyouwantthetruth,she’snotintoyou.Atall.”“Sorry.Ididn’trealizeyou
spokeforAmynow.”“I’mherbestfriend.Iknow
howshefeelsaboutprettymucheverything.I’mjusttryingtosaveyoutheheartbreak.”“Youcareaboutmy
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heartbreakaboutasmuchasIcareaboutyoursafety.”Heshookhishead.“I’dratherhearAmy’sfeelingsfromAmy,ifyoudon’tmind.”“Youwon’t.Asmuchasshe
can’tstandyou,shewouldn’ttellyouthat.She’stoonice.”“Clearlyithasn’trubbedoff
onyou.”Asecondlater,Amy’s
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Lexusturnedthecornerintotheparkinglot.Igrabbedmybagandclimbedoutofthestationwagon,Rydernottoofarbehindme.Amyslidintoaparkingspace,andIheardtheclickofthepassenger-sidedoorbeingunlocked.“Later,”Isaid,hoppinginto
theLexus,butRydergrabbedthedoor,stickinghishead
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intothecabbeforeIcouldcloseit.“Hello,Amy,”hesaid.“Oh.Hi,Ryder.”“Howareyou?”“I’mfine.”“Whichiscodefor
‘annoyed,’”Isaid.Sheelbowedme.“Sorryforthe
inconvenience,”hesaid.“It
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wasreallyniceofyoutocomebackandgetSonny.”“Ofcourse.Thankyoufor
lettingSonnyuseyourphonetocall.”“Sonnyisrighthere,”Isaid.
“AndIalreadythankedhim.”“So,Amy,areyoudoing
anythingthisweekend?”Ryderasked.Amyglancedatme,her
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eyeswideninginawaythatclearlymeant,Oh,dearGod,helpmegetawayfromhim.“Um…Idon’tknow,”she
said.“Well,weshould—”“Go,”Iinterjected.“Ican
seeyou’retryingtocourtmylovelyfriendhere—”Ryderflustered.“—butit’srainingand
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you’reholdingthedooropenandgettingmyrightsidesoakedintheprocess.”“Andshe’slateforwork,”
Amyadded.“That,too.”“Right.Sorryaboutthat.I
guessI’llseeyouatschoolMonday?”“Probably,”Amysaid.“Excellent.Seeyou
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around.”Rydersteppedback,buthe
heldthedooropenforjustasecondlonger,ensuringtherightlegofmyjeanswasthoroughlydrenchedbeforeheclosedthedoor.Iglaredathimoutthewindow.Somehow,hedidn’tseemtomindthathewassoppingwet.Andfromapurely
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aestheticperspective,Ididn’tmindthathewaseither.“Whymustsomeoneso
handsomebesuchanass?”IaskedasAmypulledoutoftheparkinglot.“Allofthehandsomeones
are,”shesaid.“Notyourbrother.”“Heusedtobe.”Amy’sbrother,Wesley,was
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afewyearsolderthanus.He’dbeenblessedwiththesamegodlikeDNAastherestoftheRushfamily.Hehadthesamedark,curlyhairasAmy,thesametallframe,onlywhereshewasslender,hewasbroadandtoned.ItwouldbefairtosayI’d
hadaslightcrushonWesleygrowingup.Itwouldbemore
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accurate,however,tosayIwasmadly,deeply,headoverheelsinlovewithhimupuntilacoupleofyearsago.Throughoutmostofhigh
school,Wesleyhadbeenwhatyoumightcalla“player.”Hehookedupwitheverygirlwhoshowedinterest.Everygirlbutme.Tohim,I
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waslittleSonnyArdmore,hissister’stroublemakingbutundeniablyadorablebestfriend.FlirtasImight,Wesleyneverseemedtoseemeasanythingotherthanthenine-year-oldwhohadoncebrokenherarmattemptingtoridethebanisterinhishouse.Notthatitmatteredmuch
now.Hissenioryear,Wesley
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hadactuallystarteddatingsomeoneseriously.HernamewasBianca,andnowtheywerebothoffatcollegeinNewYorkCity,stilltogether.Itwasseveralminuteslater
whenwepulledintothemovietheater’sparkinglot.IworkedatatinymovietheaterinOakHill,thenexttownoverfromHamilton,
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whereallthebigboxstores,restaurants,andalcoholcouldbefound.Hamiltonwasadry,one-stoplighttownwithaminusculepopulation.OakHillwastheclosestthingtoa“city”wehaduntilyoureachedChicago,whichwasacoupleofhoursaway.Theoh-so-cleverlynamed
CindependentTheateronly
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showedforeignandindieflicks.AndIhadthehonorofhandingourpretentiouscustomerstheirextra-buttery,fat-loadedpopcorn.Notexactlymydreamjob,buthey,itpaid.“Thanks,”ItoldAmy.“I’ll
getaridebacktoyourplace.”“Withwho?Noneofyour
coworkersliveinHamilton.”
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“Icanhitchhike.Therearesomereallycutetruckdriverswhocomethroughhere.”Amyswattedmyarm,andI
laughed.“I’llfiguresomethingout.”“OrIcouldjustpickyouup
anddriveyoubacktomyplace.”“Butyourparents—”“It’sFridaynight.It’s
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normalforyoutostayover.Theywon’tmind,andtheywon’teventhinktocheckinwithyourmom.Andtomorrowmymomcangojumpyourcar.”Shesmiled.“Itdoesn’talwayshavetobecomplicated,youknow?”Inodded.“Fine.”Ileaned
acrosstheseatandhuggedher.“You’rethebest.Idon’t
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knowwhatI’ddowithoutyou.”Ifanyonehadsaidthatto
me,Iwouldhavemadeafunnyquiporrepliedwithsomethingsnarky—purelyoutofhabit.ButnotAmy.Shejusthuggedmebackandsaid,“Idon’tknowwhatI’ddowithoutyoueither.”IclimbedoutoftheLexus
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andhurriedthroughthenearlyemptyparkinglot,towardthetheater.“You’relate!”avoice
yelledthesecondIwalkedthroughthedoor.“Sorry,Glenda.”“Notgonnacutitthistime,
Sonny.”Myboss,atall,broad-
shoulderedwomanwitha
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chin-lengthblackbobandcat-eyeglasses,steppedoutfrombehindthepopcornmachine.Judgingbythescowlonherfaceandtheveinsbulginginherthinneck,Ihadatheory—aninkling,really—thatshemightbepissed.“Wejuststartedscreening
thatnewseaturtle
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documentaryandyoumissedtherush.Youleftusshortstaffed.”Iglancedoutthewindow.
Therewere,atmax,sixcarsintheparkinglot.“Rush?Really?”“It’sFriday.”“It’sthree-thirty.”“No.Three-thirtyiswhen
you’resupposedtobehere.
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It’salmostfour.”“Glenda—”“I’msickofthis,Sonny.
Thishappensallthetime.Itoldyoulasttimeyouwerelatethatifithappenedagain,you’dbefired.”Shehad,thatwastrue.But
I’dkindoffiguredshewasblowingsmoke.She’dthreatenedtofireGrady,one
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ofmycoworkers,athousandtimes,buthewasstillhere.I’dhonestlythoughtitwasimpossibletogetfiredfromCindependent.“Ontopofthat,youcomein
herelookinglikecrap.Lookatyou,Sonny.You’resoakingwet.Noonewantsyouhandlingtheirfoodlikethat.”
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“I’msorry,Glenda.Mycarbrokedownandmyphoneisn’tworking.Iwastryingtogethelp,butthenitstartedraining—”“Stop.Yourliesdon’teven
soundbelievableanymore.”“ButI’mnotlying!”Not
thistime,anyway.“WhyshouldIbelieve
you?”Glendaasked.
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Icouldn’tthinkofananswer.IntheyearI’dbeenworkingatCindependent,I’dliedtohercountlesstimes.Yes,Ididcleanthegumoffthebottomoftheseatsintheatertwo….No,Ididn’tspitinthatasshole’ssoda….I’mlatebecausemygrandfatherhadaheartattack—don’tworry,he’s
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finenow!ShereallyhadnoreasontobelieveawordIsaid.“I’mdone,Sonny,”she
said.“You’refired.”“ButI…”Andagain,I
actuallytoldthetruth.“Ireallyneedthemoney.Rightnowmorethanever.”Herfacesoftened,butonly
alittle.“Thenmaybeyou’ll
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bemoreresponsibleatyournextjob.”Andwiththat,sheturnedandheadedtoheroffice.IhadtoborrowGrady’s
phonetocallAmy.Ithadathincoatofbutteronthekeypad,andIkeptitaboutaninchfrommyfacetoavoidcrosscontamination.Amyhadn’tevengottento
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Hamiltonyet,soshejustturnedaroundandheadedbacktothetheatertopickmeup.Iwaitedoutside,intherain.
IknewifIwaitedinside,I’djustenduppunchingthepopcornmachine.NotbecauseI’dgottenfired.Whoneededsomeshittyjobatamovietheater?Imean,Idid,
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butthatwasbesidethepoint.No,itwasn’tgettingfired—itwaseverything.Everythingwithmymomandmyphoneandmycarandmyawfuldayandmyawfullife.Yes,Iwasawhining,
teenagecliché.And,accordingtoAmy,Ihadaflairforthedramatic,sotherewasaslightchancethat,hadI
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stayedinthetheater,ImayhavemademattersworsebypouringaCherrySlushieonGlenda’shead.Itwas,afterall,somethingI’dfantasizedaboutdoingsinceI’dbeenhired.ButIstillhadmydignity—
dentedthoughitmayhavebeen—andIrefusedtogiveintomywrathfuladolescent
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urges.“Youokay?”Amyasked
whenIclimbedintotheLexusafewminuteslater.Itwasatestamenttohow
muchshelovedmethatsheletmegetintoherfancycar—twicenow—whileIwassoppingwet.Shehadn’tevencringed.“Swell,”Isaid.“Justswell.
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Let’sgetoutofhere.Please.”
***
“Goodnight,girls,”Mrs.Rushsaid,pokingherheadintoAmy’sbedroomlaterthatnight.“We’reheadedtobed.”“Night,Mom,”Amysaid.“Goodnight,Mrs.Rush.”Shesmiledatus,then
slippedbackoutoftheroom.
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Itwasjustpasteleven,anddespitebeingdryonceagain,snuginsomefrog-patternedpajamasAmyhadlentme,Iwasstillinanawfulmood.Amywasdoingherbesttocomfortme,seeminglyunawarethatIwasalostcause.“WhataboutGiovanni’s?
ThatItalianrestaurantinOak
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Hill?Youcouldgetajobthere,”shesuggestedoncehermotherhadgone.“BrennaStewardworks
there.Shesaystheownermakespassesatalltheyoungwaitresses.”“Ew.Doyouthinkthat’s
true?”“Idon’tknow,butI’drather
notfindout.”Iflopped
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backwardontoherbed.“Besides,mydrywit—charmingasIknowyoufindit—isn’talwaysappreciatedbythegeneralpublic.Whichdoesnotbodewellformewhenitcomestotips.”“That’strue.”Iglaredather.“Youwere
supposedtodisagreewithme.”
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“Oh,Imean…peopleloveyou,Sonny.I’msureyoursenseofhumor—”“Toolatenow,”Isaid.
“Jumpshipwhileyoucan.”“You’llfindanotherjob,”
sheassuredme.“Mymomwillgohelpyouwithyourcarinthemorning,andyoucanusemyphoneuntilyoursisfixed.NoonebutWesley
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evercallsmeanyway.Besidesyou,butyou’realwayshere,so…”“Thanks,”Isaid.“You’re
beingverysweet,andit’sappreciated.Butrightnow,IthinkI’dratherjustwallow.”Amysighed.“Allright.”Iburiedmyfaceinher
pillowandlistenedasshestoodupandwalkedacross
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theroom.Iheardherlaptopbootingupatherdesk.Ifiguredshewasdoinghomeworkuntil…“Um,Sonny?Iknowyou’re
busywallowing,butyou’renotgoingtobelievethis.”Ikeptmyfaceinthepillow.
“I’vetoldyoubefore—ifit’saNigerianprinceofferingtowireyoumillionsofdollars,
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don’tsendhimyourbankaccountinformation.”“It’snotthat.RyderCross
e-mailedme.”NowIsatup.“Whatdidhe
say?”Iwasacrosstheroom,
peeringoverhershoulder,beforeshecouldanswer.
Hey, Amy —It was really nice talking
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to you this afternoon inthe parking lot. I’m justsorry the awful weatherand your friend’sschedule cut ourconversation short.
Isnorted.“‘Yourfriend’?Likehedoesn’tknowmyname.Andwhatconversation?Youwerebarelytalkingtohim.”
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“Keepreading,”shesaid.
But I’d really like to keeptalking to you. Maybewe could get dinnersometime? I know therearen’t any nice places toeat in Hamilton, but OakHill has a few decentrestaurants. I wasthinking maybe nextFriday night?
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“OhmyGod,”Isaid,unabletoevenreadthelastlittlebitofthee-mail.“Heaskedyouout.”“Iknow.Idon’tevenknow
whyhewould.”“Becauseyou’regorgeous?
Thatpartisobvious.”Sheblushed.“Lessobvious,”Isaid,“is
whyhethinkshehasa
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chance.Amy,youhavetoreplytohim.Youhavetosayyou’lldoit.”“What?Idon’twanttogo
outwithRyder.”“Youwon’t.You’lljustsay
youwill.Justtoteasehimabit.”“Ican’tdothat,”Amysaid.
“It’stoomean.”“ThenI’lldoit.Move
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over.”“Sonny,youcan’t.”“Please,”Ibegged.“I’ve
hadanawfuldayandfuckingwithRyder’sheadwillmakemefeelsomuchbetter.”“Ithoughtyouwere
wallowing?”“Beingmeanissomuch
morefunthanwallowing.Andhe’ssuchanasshole.
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Youknowit,too.Hedeservessometortureafterthewayhe’stalkedaboutHamiltonandeveryonewholiveshere.Letmepickonhimalittlebit.Please?”Shechewedonherbottom
lip.Amywasanythingbutmean.Eventopeopleshehated,shewasalwaysincrediblypoliteand
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respectful.Itwasunnerving,really.Butifanyonecould
convinceher,itwasme.SonnyArdmore—abadinfluenceforthirteenyearsandcounting.“Fine,”shesaid,scooting
oversowecouldsqueezetogetheronthechair.“ButonlybecauseIknowitwill
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cheeryouup…andbecausehereallyisawful.Maybethiswillgethimtoleavemealone.”“That’smygirl.”IhittheREPLYbuttonand
startedtocomposemymasterpiece,readingitaloudasItypedeachsentence.“Hello,hottie.”“OhGod,”Amysqueaked.
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“I’malreadyfeelingweirdaboutthis.”“I’dlovetokeeptalkingto
you.”Ireadittoherinaslow,sexyvoice.“Butnotatarestaurant.Myroomismuchmorecomfortable.AndtheonlythingIwanttobeeatingiswhippedcreamoffyourchest,loverboy.”“Sonny!”Amycried.“You
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can’tsaythat!”“Whynot?”“He’llthinkI’msomesort
offreak.”“That’sthepoint.He’llbe
creepedout—andperhapsslightlyturnedon,thoughhe’dneveradmitit—byyourover-the-tope-mailandtooembarrassedtoeverspeaktoyouagain.”
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“Butwhatifhetellsotherpeopleaboutthise-mail?”“Whowouldhetell?Noone
canstandhim.Hedoesn’thavefriends.”Shesighed,whichItookas
permissiontocontinue.“Youmentionedmyfriend
inyoure-mail.Sonnywouldalsoliketobepresentforthis‘conversation.’Shelovesto
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watchmefoolaroundwithguys.Thoughrecently,IfoundsomecreepyvoodoodollsoftheguysI’vebeenhookingupwithinherdrawer.And,cometothinkofit,afewofthemhavehadsomeseriousaccidents.Ihopethepossibilityofafewbrokenbonesdoesn’tscareyouoff.”
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Thistime,shegiggled.Justalittle.“Ihavetosay,Ryder,I’m
sogladyoue-mailedme.I’vehadmyeyeonyousinceyougothere.Itriedtoplayitcool,butsecretly,I’vebeenbuildingashrinetoyouinmyclosetformonths.It’snothingspecial—justafewpicturesItookofyouonmyphone
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whileyouweren’tlookingandalife-sizesculptureImadeofyouusinggarbageandgumIscrapedoutfromunderyourdesk.”“Oh,that’ssogross!”Amy
gasped.“Ew.”Icontinued,“Ican’twaitto
showyoumyworkofart.Iknowyou’llappreciateit.Soit’sadate.Fridaynight.I’m
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goingtoblowyourmind,Ryder.Youhavenoidea.Love(becausethat’swhatIam,inlovewithyou),Amy.”Isatbackandadmiredmy
brilliantprose.Besideme,Amywasgiggling,butshealsolookedabitnervous.“Youcan’treallysendthat,
youknow,”shesaid.“Yeah,”Iagreed.“That’s
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cool.Igotitoutofmysystem.Butyou’vegottoadmit—it’saprettyepicloveletter.”“Sure,”Amysaid.“I’msavingit,”Itoldher.
“You’regoingtowanttolookbackonthisonedaywhenI’msomesortoffamouspoet…orcriminalmastermindbeinghuntedbythe
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authorities.Whichevercomesfirst.It’llbeworthsomething.”Ileanedforwardandmoved
toclicktheSAVEbutton,butAmy’selbowbumpedminebyaccident,andmyhandslipped.InsteadofSAVE,IclickedSEND.“Uh-oh.”Amysawitatthesametime
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Idid.Hereyeswentwideandsheslappedahandoverhermouth.“Whatjusthappened?”Iclickedovertodrafts,
hopingtoseethee-mailthere,safeandsound.Butno.“Itsent,”Isaid.“No,no,no!”Amylooked
horrified.“OhmyGod.”“Well…he’llneverask
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yououtagain?”Ioffered.“Ugh.I’msorry.Thatreallywasn’tonpurpose.Iswear.”“Iknow.Ibumpedyou.”
Shebitatherpinkienail.“Thisisawful.Ican’tbelievewesentthat.It’ssomeanand…There’snowayof,like,gettingitback,right?”“That’snotexactlyhowthe
Internetworks.”
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“Ugh.”Sheburiedherfaceinherhands.“Ihopehedoesn’treadit.”“Hemightnot,”Isaid.“He
mightrealizetoolatethataskingyououtwasamistakeandhedoesn’thaveachanceinhell,sohewon’treadthee-mail.He’llsavehimselffromtheheartache.There’sactuallyagoodchanceof
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that.”Amylookedskeptical.“I’mserious,”Isaid.ButIwasjustsayingthatto
makeAmyfeelbetter.Iknewhe’dreadit.He’dbeanidiotnotto.Ijusthopedhedidn’tforwardittoanyone.IfsomeoneteasedAmyaboutthis,I’dneverforgivemyself.Iwasn’tconvincingher,
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though.Icouldtellshefeltawful,andIwishedthatI’djustwallowedearlier.“Ishouldsendhiman
apologye-mail,”shesaid.“No,”Isaid.“I’lldoit.I’m
theonewhowrotethestupidthing.I’lle-mailtheapology.”“Areyousure?”“Yep.”Iwouldhateevery
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secondofit,butI’ddoitforher.“Thankyou,”shesaid.
“Nowlet’sgotobed.I’mexhausted.”“Yeah,”Isaid.“I’mtired,
too.Practicallyfallingasleepaswespeak.”Itwasn’tthelastlieI’dtell
thatnight.
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IpretendedtosleepuntilAmystartedsnoring.Itreallywasastonishingthatsomeonesoadorablecouldmakesuchahorrificnoise.Itwasabouttentimeslouderthanherspeakingvoice,anditcamefromdeepinherthroat.Amy
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wasn’tusuallyamouth-breather,butatnight?Jesus.Itusedtokeepmeupwhen
wewerelittle.We’dhavesleepovers,andI’dstayupallnight,staringattheceiling.Eventually,IgotsousedtothedemonthatpossessedAmy’sbodyatnightthatitbecameasortofrhythmic,gutturallullaby.
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Nottonight,though.TonightIwaswide-awake.Slowly,Icrawledacrossthe
hugebedandclimbedoverAmy.Shekeptsnoring.Onceshestarted,therewasnostoppingheruntilsomeoneshookherawakethenextmorning.Shetookbeingaheavysleepertoawholenewlevel.
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Evenso,Ifoundmyselftiptoeingacrossthecarpettowardherdesk.Ipickedupherlaptopandslippedoutthedooranddownthehall.TheRushes’housewas
ridiculous.Threefloors,giantbathrooms,ginormouswalk-inclosets—Wesley’sroomevenhadafreakingbalcony.Butmyfavorite,favorite
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roomintheRushhousewastherecreationroom.ItwasjustdownthehallfromAmy’sroom,anditwaseveryteenager’sdream.Therewasapooltable;huge,comfycouches;and,asofAmy’sseventeenthbirthday,anold-fashionedpinballmachine.Butthebestpartwas,hardlyanyoneknewit
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washere.I’dbeentoafewpartiesat
theRushhouse—usuallythrownbyWesleywhenhewashomefromcollege—andnooneeverseemedtofindthisroom.Withthedoorshut,itwaseasytomistakeitforjustanotherbedroom.Whichmadeittheperfectlittlehideawaywhenyou
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wantedabreakfromtherowdyyouths.Or,youknow,whenyouwantedtomakeout.TheonlytimeI’dever
foundtherecroomoccupiedduringapartywasthisyear,ontheFourthofJuly,whenIcaughtCaseyBlythe,aformerHamiltonHighcheerleader,suckingface
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withherboyfriend,thisnerdykidnamedTobyTucker.ButCaseywasbestfriendswithWesley’sgirlfriend,soshehadinsideintelonwhereallthebestplacestofoolaroundintheRushhousewere.Otherthanthatlittle
incident,nooneeverseemedtocomeintotherecroombesidesmeandAmy.We
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hungoutinheresometimes,whenwedidn’thavehomeworktodo.I’dplayagameofpoolagainstmyselfwhileAmyutterlydestroyedonthepinballmachine.Tonight,though,itwasjust
me.Iwasn’tinthemoodforasologameofpool,soinsteadIgotcozyononeofthecouchesandpropped
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openAmy’slaptop.IhadapaperdueinEnglish,andIfiguredImightaswellgetstartedonitwhiletheproductivityboosterknownasinsomniastuckaround.I’djustopenedanewWord
documentwhenIheardasmallpingandfrowned.Thentherewasasecondping.Thesamesound,butsomehow
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moreinsistent.Ihadn’trealizedanInternet
windowwasevenopen,butwhenIclickedaroundforasecond,IdiscoveredIhadaninstantmessageonmye-mailserver.FromRyderCross.
RYDER:I know I’m notthe most well-liked guyright now, but that e-
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mail really wasn’tnecessary.RYDER:I was puttingmyself out there, and Idon’t appreciate youand your friend (I knowyou didn’t work alone)mocking me.
Ishrankbackintothecushions,shamewrithinginmygut.Ididn’tgiveashitifI
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wasajerktoRyder,butIhatedthathethoughtAmyhadbeenpartofit.Imean,shehad,butnotwillingly.Neitherofushadactuallywantedtosendthate-mail.Isighedand,sinceI
promisedAmyI’dapologizetohim,startedtowriteback.
ME:I know. I’m sorry.We got carried away.
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It’s not an excuse, but Ihad a shitty day and Itook it out on you. Wereally never meant to hitsend. I’m sorry.
Asecondlater,heresponded.
RYDER:I accept andappreciate yourapology.
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RYDER:I’m sorry aboutyour bad day.ME:Thanks.
IopenedmyWorddocagain,thinkingthatwastheendofit,butbarelytwominuteslater,therewasanotherpingandIgroaned.“Damnit,Ryder.Ialready
apologized.Whatmoredoyouwantfromme?”
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ButwhenIsawhisinstantmessage,Icouldn’thelpbutsmilealittle.
RYDER:I know this israndom, particularlysince we’re not in thesame class, but youhave Mrs. Perkins forEnglish, right? Have youwritten the paper onJulius Caesar yet?
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ME:Funny. I wasliterally about to start onthat. I know. I’veprocrastinated.
Andthen,becauseIcouldn’thelpmyself:
ME:I bet the kids backat your school in DCweren’t so irresponsible.RYDER:Ha-ha. I know.
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I bring up my old schooltoo much. Is it thatannoying?ME:Yes.ME:Incredibly.RYDER:Sorry.RYDER:But, if it helps,whether the kids in myold school procrastinateor not, I do. At least withEnglish.
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RYDER:Especially withShakespeare.ME:Not a fan of thebard?RYDER:I wouldn’t sayI’m not a fan. But I amnot the best with iambicpentameter. Every wordof dialogue goes rightover my head.ME:Alert the press!
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Ryder Cross justadmitted he’s notperfect at something.Quick, has hell frozenover?RYDER:Never mind.Forget I said anything.ME:I suck withShakespeare, too.RYDER:Yeah?ME:Yeah.
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Itwastrue.IwasthemostmiserabletranslatortohaveevertouchedtheworkofSirWilliam.Lastyear,whenwewerestudyingMacbeth,IgotsolosttryingtounderstanditthatatonepointIthrewmybookacrossAmy’sbedroomandsworeI’dnevergotoschoolagain.“WhoneedsEnglish?”I’daskedher.“I’ll
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beamime.I’lljointhecircus.Screwmyeducation!”Luckyforme,Amyis
excellentatdecipheringShakespeare’slongmonologues,andshetaughtmeatrick—itallstartsmakingsenseifyouhearit.Seeingthewordsonthepageistoomuch,toodifficulttofindtherhythm,butifyou
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hearit,itbecomesclearer.Andluckyforme,Amy,whowouldmakeabrilliantthespianifsheweren’tsopainfullyshy,waswillingtoreadtome.I’dgottenanAonmyMacbethpaperbecauseofher,andnowIwasabouttohaveanencoreperformancewithmyJuliusCaesarpaper.
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Amyhadreadmetheplaytwonightsago,andshehadn’thadtodonearlyasmuchexplainingthistime.
ME:It helps to hear it.RYDER:What?ME:If you can getsomeone to read it toyou — someone whounderstands it — itstarts making a lot more
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sense.RYDER:Oh. I don’treally have anyone whocould read it to me.RYDER:My mom could,but I’m not asking her.ME:What about a studybuddy? Someone elsefrom English class?RYDER:Again, I’m notthe most well-liked guy
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at school right now.Even the teachers can’tstand me.
Ididn’tknowwhy,butsomehowhishonestyaboutthissurprisedme.Notthatitwasasecret.NoonereallytriedtoohardtohidetheirdisdainforRyder,buthewassoarrogant,soconceited,thatIjustassumedhethoughtthe
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worldwasasfondofhimashewasofhimself.Butjustthen,hedidn’tseem
tooconceited.Actually,hewasalmosttolerable.
RYDER:Which, if youask me, is entirelyunprofessional. Not thatI’m surprised. Most ofthese people are hardlyqualified to call
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themselves educators.
Scratchthatpartabouttolerable.
ME:I’m going to ignorethat.ME:Maybe you couldwatch a staged play? Ibet you could find avideo online. Or at thelibrary?
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RYDER:That’s not abad idea, actually.
Whenhedidn’ttypeanythingelse,Iassumedtheconversationwasover.Iwentbacktomypaper,butafterwriting,deleting,rewriting,anddeletingthefirstparagraph,IrealizedtherewasnowayIcouldfocusrightnow.SomethingRyder
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saidhadlingeredinmyhead,andperhapsIamnosy,butIjusthadtoask.
ME:Why won’t you askyour mom for help?RYDER:It’s …complicated.
Aminutelater:
RYDER:Do you reallywant to know?
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ME:Sure. It’s not likeI’m doing anything elseright now.RYDER:What aboutyour paper?ME:I already told youI’m a procrastinator. I’msure your parentaldrama is far moreinteresting than Brutus’sbetrayal of Caesar.
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ME:Though hopefullyless bloody?RYDER:LOL. Yes, lessbloody.ME:My, my, RyderCross. I never took youfor the chat-speak type.LOL indeed.RYDER:That’s my dirtylittle secret. I sometimeswrite like an actual
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teenager. Don’t tellanyone.ME:Too late. I nowhave dirt on you.Mission accomplished.
Hewrotebackwithanemoticonofafacestickingitstongueoutatme.Ilaughed.
ME:More dirt! This ismy lucky night!
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RYDER:Damn it. I’mplaying right into yourhands, aren’t I?ME:That you are, sir.That you are.
Whoa,wait.WasIbanteringwithRyderCross?Myarchnemesis?TheLexLuthortomySuperman?TheLokitomyThor?Thepeanutbuttertomyjelly?Okay,Iknow
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mostoftheworldthinksthoselasttwogotogether,butIpersonallyfindthecombinationratherabhorrentandjustew.ButItotallywas.Ryder
CrossandIwereteasingeachotherinasurprisinglynonhostileway.IsupposethiswasthepoweroftheInternet.
ME:So … your mom?
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IttookRyderalittlewhiletotypeouthisresponse.
RYDER:My mom leftmy dad. But instead ofjust divorcing him andmoving to a new houseand letting me continueat the school I’ve beenattending since I wasfive, she insisted onpacking up everything,
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moving hundreds ofmiles away, anddragging me with her.It’s like she didn’t carewhat I wanted. I hadfriends in DC. I had agirlfriend. I was at one ofthe top schools in thecountry. But that didn’tmatter. She had gottena new job and I had to
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come with her to thistiny town in the middleof nowhere. I freakinghate it here.RYDER:Sorry. I knowmy saying that is whyeveryone here hatesme. I guess to be fair,it’s not so much thetown as the situation. Idon’t want to be here.
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ME:No … I get it,actually.
AndIdid.IknewRyderdidn’tlikeHamilton—everyoneknewthat—butI’dneverreallythoughtaboutitfromhisperspective.Beingpulledoutofaplacewhereyouwerehappy,whereyouhadfriends,couldn’tbeeasy.Icouldn’timaginehow
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miserableI’dbeifI’dbeenforcedtomovesomewherehundredsofmilesfromHamilton.FromAmy.I’dprobablybekindofan
asshole,too.
RYDER:So, yes. That’swhy I’m not asking mymom for help. I’vebarely spoken to hersince we got here in
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August. Petty, I know.ME:You’re seventeen. Ithink you’re allowed tobe petty. Especiallyabout something likethis.ME:But why can’t yougo back? Live with yourdad?
Again,Rydertookawhiletowritehisanswer.
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RYDER:I asked. Beforewe left, I asked to stay.But my mom wouldn’t letme.ME:Why?RYDER:I have no idea.Because she’s selfish?Because she wants topunish my dad bykeeping me away? Notthat she has any right to
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punish him. She’s theone who left. She’s theone who asked for thedivorce. Dad doesn’twant it. He still hasn’tsigned the papers.ME:Do you think theymight get backtogether?RYDER:That would bedifficult with her being a
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few states away and all.RYDER:I don’t know.And lately, I can neverget ahold of my dad. Hissecretary always sayshe’s busy, and hedoesn’t answer his cell. Iknow he’s got a lotgoing on in Washington,but …RYDER:Okay, I know
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this isn’t the cool thingto say, but I miss him.ME:I’m sorry, Ryder.RYDER:I don’t wantyou to be sorry. I don’twant anyone to besorry. Except maybe mymom.
IpulledupGoogleandtriedtofindapictureofRyderandhisfamily.Ifiguredit
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wouldn’tbehardsincehisdadwasinCongress.Theyprobablyhadplentyofphotosfromthecampaigntrail.Withinaminute,I’dfound
one.Inthepicture,Ryderwasstandingbetweenhisparents.HisdadwasolderthanIexpected.Ormaybehejustlookedoldbecauseofstress.Iknewpoliticianssupposedly
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agedquickly.Hishairwasgraybutwellkept.HehadRyder’sbrightgreeneyesandacharismaticsmilethatcoulddefinitelywinavoteortwo.OnRyder’sothersidewashismom,averyprettyblackwomaninaperfectlytailoredsuit.Shewastall—tallerthanherhusband—andwhilehereyesweredarker
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thanRyder’s,theyhadthesameshape,largeandstriking.Andinthemiddlewas
Ryder,dressedinasuitverysimilartohisdad’s.Hishairwasalittlelongerthen,butnottoomuch.WhatIcouldn’thelpnoticing,though,washissmile.Itwashugeandgenuineand…so
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happy.I’dneverseentheboyfrommyclasssmilelikethatbefore.Ididn’tknowhecould.
ME:I could help youParent Trap them if youlike?RYDER:What?ME:The Parent Trap?RYDER:Sorry. Still lost.ME:Oh. My. God.
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ME:You’re kidding,right?ME:THE PARENTTRAP? Twin girls meetfor the first time atsummer camp andscheme to reunite theirparents? The remakestarred pre-train-wreckLindsay Lohan?ME:YOU HAVE
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NEVER SEEN THEFREAKING PARENTTRAP????RYDER:I have not, butdoes this really warrantcyber-shouting?ME:YES!!!!!!RYDER:Okay.ME:I weep for yourchildhood.
Ispentthenexttwenty
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minutesexplainingtheplotofTheParentTraptohim,completewithYouTubeclipsfromboththeoriginalfilmandtheremake.WhenIwasdone,Ryderinformedmethatitdidn’tsoundlikethatgreatofamovie,andItoldhimto,withallduerespect,shoveit.ButwekeptIMingafter
that.Aboutothermovies(he
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wastotallyintoindieart-houseflicks,themoresubtitlesthebetter,whichis,frankly,disgusting)andbooks(webothstruggledwithShakespeareandhatedNathanielHawthornewithequalpassion)andjust…randomstuff.
ME:Okay, deep darksecret time. I am a
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wannabe grunge rocker.RYDER:Seriously?ME:Seriously. I don’tplay any instruments. Ican’t sing to save mylife. But I guess thatdidn’t stop CourtneyLove. And I have a lot ofsecret angst.ME:If I could pull offflannel, I’d wear it every
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day.RYDER:I think you’dlook cute in flannel.
Iblushed,thenrealizedIwasblushingandimmediatelyfeltdisgustedwithmyself.
RYDER:So what areyou secretly angstyabout?
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RYDER:If I can ask.ME:Mostly my mom.RYDER:This seems tobe a running theme thisevening.ME:She is … flaky. Tosay the least.Unreliable. Truthfully,sometimes I think shewishes she never hadme. Sometimes I think
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she pretends she didn’t.
ThesecondIsentthatmessage,Iregrettedit.ItwaswaymorethanI’dplannedtoshare.Itwastoohonest.Toomuch.Tooclose.Ididn’ttalkaboutmymom.
Notindetail.NotevenwithAmy.Iwasthequeenofglossingoverthings.Ofturningsmalltruthsintobig
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lies.ButnowRyderCross,ofall
people,knewoneofmydarkestsecrets.Or,atleast,atinypieceofit.Ifeltuncomfortable,suddenly,andIwaseternallygratefulthathecouldn’tseeme.ThateventhoughI’dsharedtoomuch,Icouldatleasthidebehindthiscomputerscreen.
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RYDER:Wow. Thatdoes sound likeinspiration for a grungealbum.RYDER:I won’t pushyou to talk about it, butobviously I understandcomplicated familysituations, so if you everwant to share, I’m hereto listen.
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ME:Thank you.
Wechattedforalittlewhilelonger,mostlyabouthisfavoriteband—GoatsVoteforMelons,whichI’dneverheardof,despitehisfearsthattheywerebecomingtoo“mainstream.”
ME:God, you are sucha hipster.
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RYDER:Ugh. I’m NOTa hipster.ME:Exactly what ahipster would say.
Hesentmethesmileyfacewithitstonguestickingout.Verymatureandall.Thenhewrote:
RYDER:I shouldprobably go. It’s late.
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RYDER:Whoa — lookout your window.ME:Both creepy andcryptic, but all right.
Iglancedupandgasped,startled.Outsidethewindow,thesunwasjustbeginningtopeekoverthetrees.Ilookedattheclockandwasstunnedtoseethatitwasnearlysixinthemorning.
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I’dbeenIMingwithRyderallnight.
ME:Wow.RYDER:I know.ME:I had no idea wewere on here this long.RYDER:Me either.ME:I should get to bed.RYDER:Me, too. But Ireally liked “talking” toyou.
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ME:I liked “talking” toyou, too.
And,weirdly,Ihad.
ME:Let’s do this againsometime.RYDER:I’d like that.ME:Okay, well … goodnight. Or, goodmorning?RYDER:LOL. Good
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morning, Amy.
Ifrowned,readinghismessageagain.Amy?Iwasabouttowriteback,to
correcthim,buthe’dalreadyloggedoff.Ifiguredmaybeitwasjustatypo,amistake.Wewerebothsleepdeprived,afterall.ButasIwasabouttologout,aterriblerealization
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hitme.Amyhadneverloggedout
earlier.Whywouldshe?Itwashercomputer,afterall.I’dbeeninstantmessaging
withRyderforhours,andthiswholetime—thiswholedamntime—hethoughtIwasAmyRush.Andthat’showthiswhole
stupidthingbegan—witha
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liethatI,foronce,hadn’tevenmeanttotell.
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“Wait…sohethinkshewastalkingtome?”Amyturnedtofaceme,stoppingourSaturdaymorningtrekthroughthehubofcommercialismandpublicmassagechairsknownasOakHillMall.
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Igaveherasheepishgrin,oneIhadperfectedalongtimeago.Amydidn’tlooksomuchangryas…horrified.“Iknow.I’msorry.Ididn’t
realizeyouwereloggedin.Ontheplusside,he’snotmadaboutthee-mail.”Iexpectedhertopointout
thatitwasherlaptopandRyderhade-mailedhersoof
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courseshewasloggedinandhowcouldIbesostupid?ButthiswasAmy.Ever-sweet,ever-forgivingAmy.“It’sanhonestmistake,”she
said.Wekeptwalking,dodgingaroundagroupofmiddleschoolgirlswhowereemergingfromHotTopic.“Butwhatdoesthismean?Whatdidyoutwoeventalk
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aboutallnight?”“Nothing,”Isaid.“And…
everything?Itwasbizarre.He’sobnoxious,but…maybehe’snotquiteasawfulasIthought?”“Well,Iguessthat’sniceto
know.”Westeppedintothefood
courtandheadedtowardtheclosestcounter.Abored-
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lookingguystoodbehindthecashregister,readjustinghisnavy-bluehatthatwas,byfar,theworstpartofhisworkuniform.ItmademewishIdidn’thavetoaskhimmynextquestion,butalas,agirl’sgottamakealiving.Oratleastmakeenough
moneytobuyanewcellphone.
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“Hey,”Isaidtotheboredguy.“Thisplacehiring?”“Yeah.”Thatwasseriouslyallhe
said.Thenhestaredatme,hiseyesnearlyasdeadashismonotonevoice.DearGod,Ihopedsomethingbesidesthisjobhadbeenresponsibleforsuckingouthissoul.“CanIgetanapplication?”I
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asked.“Iguess.”Heturnedaroundandwent
insearchofanapplication,movingslowandstiff,likeazombie.Azombiethatsmelledlikedelimeat.IturnedtoAmyandraised
aneyebrow.Sheshrugged.“So,anyway,”shesaid.
“AboutRyder—”
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“Amy!”Amyjumpedandweboth
turnedtoseeathin,blondgirlwaving.Shewasprobablyafewyearsolderthanus,andshewassittingalone,eatingaburrito.Shekeptwaving,thensignaledAmytocomeoverandjoinher.IlookedatAmy.Thesmile
shegaveinreturnwasfake,
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butonlyIwould’veknownthat.Sheraisedherhandinasmall,embarrassedwaveandthenturnedaway,duckingherheadasifshehadn’trealizedthegirlwantedus—well,notus,Amy—tojoinher.Iglancedbetweenthe
disappointed-lookingblondandmyanxious-looking
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friend.BeforeIcouldsayanything,though,ZombieCashierreturnedwithmyapplication.“Here.”Amysnatcheditfromhim,
saidaquick,“Thanks,”thentuggedmeoutofthefoodcourt.“Iwasgonnaapplyatsome
otherplaces,”Isaid.
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“Youcandoitlater.”Shehandedmetheapplication.“Youwantedtoapplytothebookstore,too,right?”“Yeah.”Ifrownedather.
“Sowhowasthatgirl?”“Madison,”Amysaid.“Who?”“Sheusedtodatemy
brother.BeforeBianca.”“Huh.”Iglancedbackaswe
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walkedawayfromthefoodcourt.Thegirl,Madison,wasstilleatingalone.Andshelookedratherannoyedaboutit.“ForsomereasonIdon’trememberher.”“Weird.”Sheshrugged.
“Anyway,aboutRyder…”“Right.”Wewalkedintothe
bookstoreandmadeourwaytowardthefrontcounter.“I
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stillcan’tbelieveIchattedwithhimallnight.”“Doyouthinkyoulike
him?”sheasked.“Ofcoursenot,”Isaid.“I
just…maybedon’tdespisehim?Plus,it’sweirdnowthatIknowhethoughthewastalkingtoyou.Butmaybeit’snotabigdeal.”Wereachedthecounterand
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Iaskedthewomanbehindtheregisterforanapplication.OnceIhaditinhand,AmyandIdecidedtobrowsetheshelvesforawhile.“So,whatareyougoingto
do?”Amyasked,pickingupacopyofCyranodeBergerac.Shewassupposedtoreadandanalyzeaplayforherdramaclass.
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AndthenIsaidpossiblythemostironicthingthathasevercomeoutofmymouth.“I’lljusttellhimthetruth.”Amyglancedupatme,and
thesurpriseonherfacedidnotgounnoticed.“That’sit?Thatsimple?”“Imean,it’llbeweird,”I
admitted.“‘Hey,Ryder.SoIknowyouthoughtyouwere
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talkingtoasmokinghot,boobaliciousladytheothernight,butactuallyitwasme,hermoderatelyattractivebutstillutterlycharmingbestfriend.Sorryaboutthat.’”Amybalked.“Sonny,don’t
saythat.”“What?Thatyou’re
boobalicious?”“Well,that,too,”shesaid.
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“Butthatyou’reonlymoderatelyattractive.You’rebeautiful.”Ilaughed.“Ilovethat
you’retryingtoboostmyegorightafterIrefertomyselfasutterlycharming.Butlet’sbeserious.Nexttoyou,anyonelooksonlymoderatelyattractive.”Sheduckedherheadand
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pickedupanotherplayinordertohideherface.“Anyway,it’llbefine.I’ll
tellRyderwhathappened.Itdoesn’thavetobedramatic.”Andthefunnythingis,at
thetime,Ireallybelievedthat.
***
WhenAmyandIreturnedfromthemallthatafternoon,
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Mrs.Rushdrovemeouttothehighschool.Luckily,itappearedthatthebatteryhaddiedbecauseI’daccidentallyleftthelightson,notbecauseitneededtobereplaced—thatwouldhavebeenanightmare.Butwithalittleeffortandapairofjumpercables,Mrs.RushmanagedtogetGertpurringagain.Or
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wheezing,whichwasamoreaccuratedescription.Eitherway,Iwasmobileonceagain.WhichmeantIwasableto
parkGertinthegrocerystoreparkinglot,whereshewaitedformeonMondaymorning.Amyhadsetherownphone
alarmtomyschedule,andwhiletheshrillsirennoise
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sentmeboltingupright,Amyhadn’tevenstirred.I’dresetthealarmtoherschedule(andturnedthevolumeupalittle)beforesneakingoutofthehouse.Mostdays,Igotupearly,
gotreadyatAmy’s,thensatintheparkinglotuntilitwastimetoheadtoschool.Usually,IdozedoffinGert’s
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frontseat,thenhadtorushtoavoidbeinglateforclass.Nottoday,though.TodayIforcedmyselftostayawake.IknewRyderalways
arrivedtoclassearly,andIwantedachancetotalktohimbeforeMr.BuckleystartedlecturingabouttheCrusadesortheInquisitionorwhatevertragicreligious
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conflictwewerelearningaboutnow.IwashopingtoexplainwhathadhappenedinourIMs,makeitknownthatInolongerthoughtofhimacompletetoolbag(onlyapartialtoolbag)andmaybe,justmaybe,invitehimtositwithmeatlunch.Ryderhadotherplans,
however.
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Asexpected,hewasalreadyintheclassroomwhenIwalkedthroughthedoor.Hewasflippingthroughthepagesofourtextbookandjottingdownnotesonayellowlegalpadashewent.HewaswearingadarkgreenT-shirtwithsomestrangelogoonitthat,evenacrosstheroom,madehiseyespop
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morethanusual.Onceagain,Iwasstruckbyhowattractivehewas.AndnowthatIknewhewasn’t100percentawful…well,let’sjustsaytherewasanuptickinhishotnessfactor.Allofasudden,Iwas
nervous.Itookadeepbreathandtriedtoshakeitoffbeforewalkingovertohim.
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“Hey,”Isaid,slidingintomyseat.Hedidn’tlookup,andI
thoughtmaybehehadn’theardme.SoIclearedmythroatandsaidagain,“Hey.”“Hey.”Hisvoicewasflat
andhekeptonworking,notevenglancingbackatme.Okay,somaybethiswould
beharderthanI’dthought.
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“So,uh…Ineedtotalktoyouaboutsomething.Theothernight—”Suddenly,Ryderspun
aroundinhisseat,facingme.Butthelookonhisfacewaslessthankind.Hiseyeswerenarrowedandcold.Eveninallourbickering,he’dneverlookedthispissed.IwassosurprisedthatIsatup
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straight.“Theothernight,”hesaid.
“Youmeanthate-mailIreceived?”“Um…”“BecauseIknowthatwasn’t
allAmy,”hesaid.“No,itwasn’t.But,Ryder
—”“Forthelifeofme,Ican’t
understandwhyshe’dbe
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friendswithsomeonelikeyou,Sonny.”No,thisdefinitelywasn’t
goingasplanned.Igrittedmyteeth.“Willyoujustshutupandlistentomeforasecond?”“I’mdonelisteningtoyou,”
hesnapped.“Despiteeverythingyou’vesaid,AmyandIhaveaconnection.We
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chattedonlineallnightafterthatridiculouse-mail.”“I’maware,”Imuttered.“She’sfunnyandsmartand
beautiful…”Irolledmyeyes.Becauseof
course.Ofcoursehementionedhowbeautifulsheis.“Andyou,”hesaid,glaring
atme.“You’rejusta…”
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Iwaited,knowingwhathewasgoingtosay.Abitch.Amywasfunnyandsmartandbeautiful,andI,Sonny,wasjustabitch.Buthedidn’tsayit.Hejust
shookhishead,turnedbackaroundinhisseat,andmumbledsomething.Idon’tthinkhemeantmetohearit,butIdid.
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“Andyou’renotgoodenoughforher.”Myfistsclenchedbeneath
mydesk.“Yeah?”Isaid.“Well,neitherareyou.”Justthen,Mr.Buckley
walkedintheroom,puttingastoptoanysnappyretortRydermighthavethrownatmenext.Fuckit,Ithought.I’dbeen
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wrong.Ryderwasanasshole.Thatall-nightchathadclearlybeenafluke,andtherewasnopointtellinghimthetruthaboutit.Evenifheletmegetawordout,hewouldn’tbelieveme.Oritwouldjustpisshimoffevenmore.SoIgotmytextbookand
wentrightbacktohatingRyderCross.
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Idon’tknowhowImetAmyRush.I’dlovetotellyouthischarmingstoryabouthowwebondedoverasharedboxofcrayonsinpreschoolorsomething—andwhoknows,maybewedid—butIcan’tremember.That’show
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longagoitwas.Iknowwewereyoung,
threeorfour,maybe.Itwasbeforemydadwasarrestedforthefirsttime.Heusedtodrivemetoherhouseforplaydatesontheweekends.DadtoldmeIcouldinviteAmyover,too,ifIwanted,butIneverdid.Becauseevenasalittlekid,
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Iwasembarrassed.Atthatpoint,myparentsandIwerelivinginatraileroutontheedgeofHamilton.AndAmylivedinamansion.Plus,therewasmymom,who,Iwasconvinced,wouldforgettomakeusdinnerorsomething.Ididn’twantAmytoseewhereIlived.Iguesstherehavealwaysbeenpartsofmy
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lifeIkepthidden,evenfromher.Butthatdidn’tstopusfrom
becominginsanely,maybeunhealthilyclose.Weweretwohalvesofawhole.Weneededeachotherforbalance.Shekeptmecalm,putmeat
easewhenIwasfreakingout.Likewhenwewereseven
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andIaccidentallybrokethearmoffmyfavoritedoll.Mydadhadjustbeenarrested,andRamonawasthelastgifthe’dgivenme.AsIsatthere,onthevergeofanall-outtantrum,AmygentlyremovedRamonafrommyarms,retrievedsomegluefromherdad’sdesk,andputthedollbacktogether.Sure,
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herarmwasalittlecrookedafterthat,butthatwasokay.Amyhad,forthemostpart,solvedtheproblem.Meanwhile,Ispokeupfor
her,gotangryforher,whenshewastooscaredorembarrassedto.LikewhenwewerefreshmenandthisgrossupperclassmannamedRandysmackedherassinthe
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hallway.Amywassoupsetand
humiliated,andIwaspissedonherbehalf.SothenexttimeIsawRandy,Ithrewhimupagainstthewallandgavehimaswiftkneetothegroin.WhocaredifIwashalfhissize?Hellhathnofurylikeagirldefendingherbestie.Igottwoweeksin
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detentionforthat,butheneverbotheredAmyagain,soitwasworthit.AmyandIneededeach
other.Neitherofusreallyhadotherclosefriends.Wewerethetypewhowerefriendlywitheveryone—excludingRyderCross,ofcourse—butIthinkmostpeoplefeltsortofleftoutwhentheyspent
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timewithAmyandme.Therewastoomuchhistory,toomanyinsidejokes,and,yeah,maybeourclosenesswasalittlebitweirdtosome.Butwewereokaywiththat.
Itwasjustus.SonnyandAmy.AmyandSonny.Whereshewent,Iwent.WhichwaswhyIgotalittle
panickedwhenIsawthe
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stackofcollegeapplicationssittingonherdesk.“Isitalreadytimefor
these?”Iasked,pickingupaCornellapplication.“Yep.Igotthosefromthe
guidanceofficetoday.”She’djustletmeintothehouseafterherparentshadgoneofftobed,sowehadtokeepourvoiceslow.
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“Wow.”Iflippedthroughthestack.“Dartmouth,Stanford,Columbia…Veryambitious,Ms.Rush.”“Thereareafewsafety
schoolsinthere,”shesaidasshechangedintoherpajamas.“Haveyouthoughtaboutwhereyou’reapplying?”“Notreally,”Iadmitted.“I
figuredI’dfollowyou
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whereveryouwereacceptedandliveunderyourbedinyourdormroom.”Shelaughed.ButIhadn’texactlybeen
kidding.“Youbetterstartthinking
aboutit,”shesaid.“Thesenextfewmonthsaregoingtogofast.Iknowyougetoverwhelmedwithpaperwork
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—”“False.”Sherolledhereyes.“You
takethreedaystofilloutaone-pagejobapplication.”“I…liketobethorough.”“Anyway,”shesaid.“I’dbe
gladtohelpyoufillthemout.”“Thanks,”Isaid.“We’ll
see.”
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Thetruthwas,Iwassortofdeliberatelyavoidingthoughtsofcollege.Sure,Ihaddecentgrades(IwasanAPstudent,afterall),butIwasn’tgoingtobeabletoaffordtuition.EspeciallynottotheschoolsAmywasapplyingto.Injustafewmonths,we’dbeseparated.She’dbeoffatsomeIvy
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Leagueuniversity,andI’dbestuckhere.Andthatterrifiedme.I’dbeenavoidingit,
pretendingcollegewasalongwayawayandIhadnoreasontoworryaboutityet,butwewereseniorsnow,whichmeantitwastimetostartfiguringmyshitout.Iwasn’treadytodealwithit
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yet,though.Maybethat’swhyIgotso
enragedwhenRyderhatedonHamilton,becauseIknewthisplacewasgoingtobemyhomeforavery,verylongtime.WhetherIlikeditornot.Amyfinishedrunninga
combthroughherhair.“Okay.Youreadyforbed?”
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Ishookmyhead.Allthecollegetalkhadgottenmetooworkeduptosleep.“Ineedtoworkonapaper.MindifIuseyourcomputer?”“Ofcoursenot.It’sall
yours.”“Thanks.”Ipickedupthe
laptopandsteppedoutintothehallway.“Sleeptight.”“Seeyouinthemorning.”
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I’dbarelygottenthelaptopsetupintherecroomwhenIheardapingfromthee-mailtab.Irolledmyeyes,knowingbeforeIevenlookedwhowasmessagingme.OrAmy,rather.“Notnow,Ryder,”I
mumbled.“Notinthemood.”Aminutelater,therewas
anotherping.
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RYDER:How was yourday?RYDER:Are you donewith that English paperyet?
Iwasdeterminedtoignorehim.Afterthewayhe’dtalkedtomeinclassthatmorning,hedidn’tdeservemytime.Butfiveminuteslater,therewasanotherping,
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andthistime,Icouldn’tignorehismessage.
RYDER:So Pearl Jamis going to have aconcert in Oak Hill.ME:WHAT?!?! When?Where? Link????RYDER:Ha. I knew thatwould get your attention.
Isighed,disappointed.
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ME:Not cool.RYDER:Sorry. I had totry.ME:How did you know Ilike Pearl Jam?RYDER:You lovegrunge, so I just thoughtof the most clichégrunge band I could.Other than Nirvana, ofcourse.
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ME:Wow. So nowyou’re calling me acliché. Nice.RYDER:You call me ahipster. It only seemsfair.
Hesignedthatoneoffwithasmileyface.
ME:I’m a cliché, butyou are the King of the
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Emoticons. Tell me,Ryder, how many selfieshave you taken today?RYDER:None. I don’teven have anInstagram.ME:Hipster.RYDER:I can’t win withyou.ME:This is probablytrue.
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RYDER:That’s notgoing to stop me fromtrying.
Despitemybetterjudgment,thismademesmile.AndthatwashowIended
upchattingwithRyder—again—formostofthenight.
RYDER:My mom is
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driving me insane.ME:Welcome toadolescence. You’ll fit inwell here.RYDER:She won’teven let me watch thecoverage of Dad’scampaign. It’s hardenough to find it anywaysince he doesn’trepresent this district,
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but if she hears one ofhis ads on my computer,she shouts at me to turnit off.ME:Wow. Harsh.RYDER:Hopefully I canget to DC forThanksgiving nextmonth. I’m desperate toget out of this stupidboring town.
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ME:Again. Harsh.RYDER:Sorry. I’mworking on it.ME:But I hope you areable to go back to DC.I’m sure your dad andyour friends will be gladto see you.
Ihatedmyselfforkeepinguptheconversation.ButasmuchasIwantedtodespise
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him,Ryderwaskindofbeingtolerable.
ME:So, you had agirlfriend in DC?RYDER:Yeah.Eugenia.ME:Whoa. Terriblename.RYDER:It really, reallyis.ME:So what
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happened?RYDER:Nothing. Webroke up when I movedand she’s already datingsomeone else. My bestfriend, actually.ME:Oh. Ouch.RYDER:I’m honestlynot that upset about it.We dated for over ayear, but it never really
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felt serious. Moreconvenient thananything.ME:So romantic.RYDER:I don’t carethat she started datingAaron (my friend).That’s fine. I’m moreupset that she andAaron and everyoneseem to have moved on
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without me so fast. Theywere the reasons I wasupset to leave DC.They’ve been my friendssince elementaryschool. And now, just afew months afterleaving, I hardly hearfrom them. I get theoccasional comment onmy Facebook posts, but
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that’s it.ME:Well, if you don’tmind me saying so, theysuck.RYDER:Ha.RYDER:They don’t,really. That’s the worstpart. I get it. It’s easy todrift apart. It probablywouldn’t be so bad if I’dactually managed to
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make friends here. If I’dmoved on, too.ME:Not to harp on this,but if you’d just ease upon the constantHamilton bashing, youmight be surprised howmany friends you’dmake.RYDER:I know. I reallyam trying.
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RYDER:But even if Istopped, I don’t knowhow simple it would beto make friends.Hamilton’s a smallschool. You all haveknown each otherforever. I’m an outsiderhere.ME:Maybe, but itwouldn’t be too difficult
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for you. If you’d be cool,people at Hamiltonwould love you.Especially the girls.You’re fresh meat, a boywe’ve never seen throwup on the school bus orgo through the worstparts of puberty. Plus,you’re not a bad-lookingguy, you know.
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IcouldnotbelieveI’djusttypedthat.Mortifieddoesn’tevenbegintocoverit.Itwastrue,ofcourse.Hewashot,andifhewasn’tsuchadickaboutourhometown,girlsprobablywouldhavethrownthemselvesathim.No,notprobably.Mostdefinitely.ButIdidn’thavetotellhim
that.
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Rydersentbackasmileyfaceemoji.Isentbackonerollingitseyes.Andeventuallythisdevolvedintoanoh-so-sophisticatedemojiwar.Thebattlewaslongandthereweremanycasualties,buteventually,withthepeaceofferingofemojisushi,acease-firewascalled.Ifonlyitweresoeasyin
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reallife.
***
Thenextday,though,Ryderwasbacktobeingunbearable.“Mr.Buckley,”hesaid,
raisinghishand.“WhenarewegoingtostartpracticingDBQs?”“Excuseme?”“DBQs,”Ryderrepeated.
“Itstandsfordata-based
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questions.They’llbeontheAPtestinthespring.”“I’mawarewhataDBQis,
Mr.Cross.Iamtheteacherhere,afterall.”IexpectedRydertomakea
snidecommentaboutthis,buthemanagedtorestrainhimselfandinsteadasked,“Sowhenwillwestartpracticingthem?”
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“AfterThanksgiving.”“Don’tyouthinkthat’s
awfullylate?”“Ohdear,”Isaid.Iwasless
abletorestrainmyself.“That’sfartoolate.DidyouknowthatinDC,studentsstartpreparingforAPtestsjustoutofutero?”Ryderturnedtofaceme,
mid-eye-roll.“Whileyour
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hyperboleisridiculous,wedostartpreparingwayinadvance.AndourAPtestresultsreflectit.”“Ifonlyyou’dspentas
muchtimeworkingonyoursocialskills.”“Youaregoingtolectureme
onsocialskills?”“I’msorry.Dousignorant
countryfolkhereinHamilton
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notcommunicatetoyourliking?”“It’snotaproblemwitheveryoneinHamilton.”“Enough,”Mr.Buckley
said.Iwasactuallyamazedathowlonghe’dletthisgoon.Isuspectedhegotasmuchentertainmentoutofthesparringastherestoftheclassdid.
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And…IthinkIkindofenjoyedit,too.Honestly,though,itwas
amazinghowfunnyandpleasantRydercouldbeoverIM,onlytoturnaroundandbeapompousjerkinreallife.Iwasgettingsomeseriouswhiplash.WhichwaswhyIcouldn’t
respondtohisIMsanymore.
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Nomás.Iwasdone.Itwasalreadyweirdenoughsince,bothtimes,I’dbeenonAmy’saccount.Shedidn’tknowaboutthesecondconversation,andI’dhadtoliewhensheaskedmeifIknewwhyRyderhadgivenheramixtape(seriously?Whohastapesanymore?)ofsomeweird,poorlyrecorded
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bandandaskedifshe’dsitwithhimatlunch.“Noidea,”I’dsaid.“Imean,
weknowhelikesyou….Whatdidyousay?”“Thankyou,butthatI
alwayssitwithyou,”she’dreplied.Well,thatwaseasyenough.
Ryderwouldneversitatalunchtablewithme.SoIjust
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shrugged.Lyingwaseasy.Whatwas
worsewasthattheseconversationshadtotallyconfusedmyonceunwaveringdisdainforRyderCross.IthadbeeneasierwhenI
hatedhim.
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Iwould.Not.Respond.Onceagain,insomniahad
mesittingintheRushes’recroomwellaftermidnight,onlythistimeIdidn’thaveanyhomeworklefttodo.Instead,Iwastorturingmyselfbylookinguphowfar
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allofthecollegesAmywasapplyingtowerefromHamilton.Answer:Reallyfreakingfar.WhatthehellwasIgoingto
do?Ihadn’theardbackfromanyofthejobsI’dappliedfor,Ihadnomoney,andwhenAmyleftforcollege,I’dessentiallybehomeless.Itwasn’tasifIcouldkeep
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sneakingintoherparents’house.Needlesstosay,Iwas
alreadyfeelingabitdepressedandalittlelonelywhenIheardtheping.“Notfallingforitthistime,
Ryder,”Imumbled.Ping.Nope.Ping.
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“Damnit.”ItoldmyselfIwasjust
goingtologoutofAmy’se-mail.ItoldmyselfIwasn’tgoingtolookatthemessage.But,aswe’veestablished,Iamaliar,evenwhenI’mtalkingtomyself.
RYDER:Hey, Amy, areyou there?RYDER:I’m sorry. It’s
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late, and you’reprobably not even nearyour computer. But I justfound something outand I need to talk tosomeone. You were theonly person I could thinkof.RYDER:Sorry. Nevermind.
AsmuchasIwantedto
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ignorehim,Icouldn’t.TherewassomethingsortofdesperateinthosemessagesthatIcouldn’tjustwalkawayfrom.Tomysurprise,Iwas…
concerned.AboutRyderCross.
ME:Hey, I’m here.What’s going on? Areyou okay?
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RYDER:Not really.RYDER:Do you have afew minutes?
Ishould’vesaidno.Ishould’veloggedoff.Butmyownloneliness—
mixedwithmyconcernandcuriosity—gotthebetterofme.
ME:I’ve got all night.
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IclosedouttheotherInternettabs,almostgladforthedistraction.Icouldn’tkeepthinkingaboutAmyleavingmeforcollege.Iwantedtogobacktocoveringmyearsandpretendingitwasn’thappening.AndifmyonlydistractionwasRyder,sobeit.
RYDER:My friend
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Aaron called me tonight.I knew something wasup when I saw his nameon my phone. He hasn’tcalled me in over amonth.ME:This is the onewho’s dating your ex-girlfriend, right? The girlwith the terrible name?RYDER:Right, but it
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wasn’t about that.RYDER:He was callingbecause he saw mydad, and he wanted towarn me.ME:Warn you aboutwhat?RYDER:He saw mydad leaving our house(Aaron lives next door)with this woman.
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RYDER:This model.
HesentalinktoaGoogleImagespage,andIclickedit.Myscreenfilledwithdozensofshotsofabeautifulbrunette—AnnaliseStone.ShewasarunwaymodelfromNewYorkandonlyafewyearsolderthanRyderandme.
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ME:Wow. She’s pretty.ME:Wait. Do you thinkhe’s seeing her?RYDER:Why elsewould she be leavingour house?
Iwantedtomakesomesortofjokeinresponsetothisquestion,butIgotthesensethatthiswasn’ttheappropriatetime.
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ME:I don’t understand.I thought he didn’t wantto divorce your mom.RYDER:That’s what Ithought, too. So I askedher.RYDER:She didn’twant to tell me, butapparently that’s whyshe left. Because he’sbeen seeing this woman
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for a while.ME:He’s beencheating?RYDER:Yeah.RYDER:But he refusesto give Mom a divorcebecause he thinks it’llhurt his chances in theelection in a couple ofweeks.ME:Well, so will
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sneaking around with amodel half his age.RYDER:I’m guessinghe’s trying to keep thatsecret. But if Aaroncould find out, the othercandidates could, too.ME:I’m sorry, Ryder.
AndIwas.Iknewjusthowfraughtwithdisappointmentparentalrelationshipscould
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be.Andhowfuckingmuchitcouldhurtwhenthepeoplewhoraisedyouletyoudown.
RYDER:I feel like anidiot.ME:Why???RYDER:This wholetime I’ve been blamingmy mom. I’ve thought ofher as selfish and cold.In reality, she was trying
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to keep me from hatingDad. No matter howmuch he hurt her.ME:That doesn’t makeyou an idiot.RYDER:Maybe not, butworshipping Dad does.I’ve been thinking hewas this saint. Evenwhen I couldn’t get himon the phone, I made
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excuses for him.ME:He’s your dad. Noone blames you forloving him.RYDER:Maybe theyshould.
Ididn’tknowhowtorespondtothat.Ihadn’tspokentomyownfatherinyears,andmymom…well,Iwashardlythepersontogive
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adviceonthesubject.Luckily,Rydersavedme
fromhavingtocomeupwithareply.
RYDER:Sorry. Thisconversation gotincredibly emoincredibly fast. Quick,say something funny.ME:Something funny.RYDER:Ha.
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RYDER:You’re such ariot.ME:I know. I shouldreally do stand-up.RYDER:I’d pay to seethat.ME:I bet you would.Getting tickets to myshows will be nearlyimpossible. The criticswill love me. I’ll be
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known as the funniestcomedian to ever comeout of Hamilton.RYDER:Do you reallyhave any competition inthat regard?ME:Probably not.RYDER:I didn’t thinkso.ME:… You’re not anidiot, Ryder. You don’t
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have anything to feelbad about. Your daddoes.RYDER:Thank you.RYDER:For listening, Imean. Or reading?Anyway, I mean it.When I found out, youwere the only person Iactually wanted to talkto.
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RYDER:That probablysounds ridiculous.ME:No, it doesn’t. I’mflattered, actually.ME:And the feeling’smutual.
Ihatedadmittingit,butI’dbeenthinkingaboutourotherIMconversationsalot,too.WhenInoticedTheParentTrapwasonTV,I’dwanted
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tomessagehim.WhenIgotanoldNirvanasongstuckinmyhead,I’dwantedtosendhimthelinktothevideo.Itwasabsurd,especially
consideringthefactthatI’dwantedlittlemorethantostranglehimlessthanaweekago.ButIcouldn’tdenyit.SomethingaboutRyderCrosshadgottentome,andas
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muchasItried,Icouldn’tshakethefeelingofnothatinghim.Ofmaybesortoflikinghim.
RYDER:I’m glad tohear that, Amy.
Amy.Damnit.I’ddoneitagain.
I’dactuallyletmyselfforget.HethoughtIwasAmy.He
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wasn’topeninguptomebuttoher.BecausewhileImaybesortoflikedRyder,hemaybesortofhatedme.Ishouldhavetoldhimthe
truthrightthen.IknowIshouldhave.Ishould’vetypedoutsomethinglike,Yeah,aboutthat.ThisisactuallySonny.Sorryfortheconfusion.ButIdidn’twant
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tomakehimfeelweirdorembarrassedafteropeningupabouthisparents.SoIdecidedtowait.
RYDER:By the way, Iwatched The ParentTrap.ME:YOU DID?!?!RYDER:Don’t start withthe shouting again. Ha-ha.
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RYDER:It was on TVon Saturday, and since Ihave yet to develop asocial life here …ME:And?ME:AND???RYDER:It was okay.ME:Just okay?RYDER:Just okay.ME:Our friendship isover. Done. Kaput. I
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can’t associate withanyone who doesn’tlove The Parent Trap.RYDER:So we’refriends, then?
Ichewedonmylowerlip,myfingershoveringoverthekeyboard.Werewefriends?No.No,wecouldn’tbe.Notwhenwe’donlyreallyhadtwopleasantconversations
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beforetonight.NotwhenhethoughtIwassomeoneelse.Butitfeltlikewewere.
ME:Well, we were untilyou expressed yourincorrect opinion of afilm classic.RYDER:It was theLindsay Lohan version.ME:Still a classic!RYDER:I take it back,
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then. The film wasbrilliant.RYDER:So we can befriends now?
Ihesitatedbeforereplying.BecausewhatIwasabouttosaywasn’ttherightanswer.
ME:Yes.RYDER:Good.ME:Good.
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ButthecloserRyderandIgotonline,themoreweseemedtoargueinreallife.Everyday,hesaidsomethingentirelyasshole-ish,which,ofcourse,Ihadtocallhimouton.ItwassocommonplacenowthatMr.Buckleyseemedresignedtolettingusfightitout.Butwheneveranyoneelse
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saidsomethingrudetooraboutRyder,Ifeltalittledefensiveonhisbehalf.Like,itwasokayformetomockhim,butnooneelse.Becauseunlikethem,IknewtheothersideofRyder.Evenifhedidn’trealizeit.NotthatIhadn’ttriedtotell
thetruth.TwiceI’dattemptedtoIMhimfrommyaccount
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toexplain,andbothtimeshe’dloggedoffimmediately.Sothatwasabust.ButprettymuchanytimeI
wasonAmy’saccount,he’dmessageme.Andacoupleoftimes,Iwastheonewhostartedtheconversation.
ME:Do you watch thelocal news?RYDER:Huh??
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ME:The six o’clocknews. Do you watch it?RYDER:Um, no. Noone under the age offifty watches the localnews.ME:Well, give me awalker and call meGranny. Because I do.Every night.RYDER:I can’t decide if
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that’s pathetic oradorable.ME:So one of theanchors, Greg Johnson,lives in Hamilton.RYDER:And?ME:And I ran into himtoday. I was pumpinggas when he and hisstepdaughter pulled up.She goes to school with
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us, but she’s a fewyears younger. Asophomore, I think.RYDER:Uh-huh.ME:Anyway, I told himwhat a fan of his I was,and when we went in topay for our gas, he waslike, “Don’t worry, I gotthis. Anything for a fan.”RYDER:That’s nice of
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him.ME:HE PAID FOR MYGAS!RYDER:WHY AREYOU SHOUTING?ME:BECAUSE IT’S ABIG DEAL!RYDER:Is it, though?ME:Excuse me, Mr. BigCity, but around hereGreg Johnson is
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practically famous. He’sthe closest thing wehave to a celebrity inHamilton.RYDER:Again, not sureif this is sad or adorable.ME:He’s also veryhandsome, so there’sthat, too.RYDER:Is it weird thatI’m a little jealous of this
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guy now?
Ifeltasmilespreadacrossmyface.Iknewitwaswrong.Iknewhethoughthewasflirtingwithmybestfriend,notme.ButIcouldn’thelpit.
ME:If you pay for mygas, I’ll call youhandsome, too.
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RYDER:Duly noted.
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BytheendofOctober,therewasnowayaroundit.Somehow,I’ddevelopedabig,stinkingcrushonRyderCross.Andhehadoneonmybest
friend.Butsomehow,IthoughtI
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couldfixthat.IcouldturnthisaroundandmakeRyderseethatI,notAmy,wasthegirlheshouldbewith.Itwouldjusttakesomeplanning,alotoflying…Andalittlehelpfrommy
bestfriend.“Youwantmetodowhat?”
Amy’seyeswerewideandtotallyfreakedout.
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Iglancedaroundourtabletomakesurenoonewaslistening.ItwasMonday,andI’dspenttheweekendpiecingtogethermyplanbeforespringingitonheroverlunch.Satisfiedthatweweren’t
beingspiedon—andthatRyderwasnowherenearus—Iexplained.
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“Notjustyou.I’minonthis,too.”“That’snotexactly
comforting.”“Fairpoint.”Ipoppeda
soggyfrenchfryintomymouth.Onceagain,I’dliedtothecafeterialadysoIcouldgetafreelunch.NowthatIwasunemployed,thiswouldlikelybecomeanall-too-
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regularoccurrence.Amyhadaskedthat
morningifIneededlunchmoney,butI’dsaidno.Shewasalreadydoingsomuchforme,lettingmestayinherroom,andIwouldn’ttakemoneyfromher,too.ItoldherIhadalittlecashsaved.And,ofcourse,shebelievedme.
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“Trustme,though,”Isaid.“Thiswillwork.”“I’mnotsurewhatthisis.”“Right.Okay.”Ipushedmy
emptytrayasideandleanedforwardwithmyelbowsonthetable.“SoRyderlikesme,buthethinksI’myou.AndhehatesthemehethinksIam.Following?”“Barely.ButI’mconfused.
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Youchattedwithhimagainafterthefirsttime?”“Just…once,”Isaid,
cringingalittle.Ithadbeenmorelikehalfa
dozentimes.“Oh,”Amysaid,clearly
madealittleuncomfortablebythis.“Thatmighthavebeennicetoknow.Itwould’veexplainedwhyhe
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keptwavingtomeinthehallway,ifhethoughtwe’dbeenchattingonline.Iwishyou’dtoldmesooner.”“Iknow,”Isaid.“Butitjust
sortofhappened.Ididn’tmeantodoitagain.”Andagain…andagain…“Well,I’mstillnotsurewhy
youcan’tjusttellhimit’syouhe’sbeentalkingto.”
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“We’vebeenoverthis,”Isaidwithagroan.“I’vetried.Hewon’tletmegetawordoutinperson,andwhenItryoverIM,hejustlogsoff.AndI’mscaredifItellhimnoworwriteitinane-mail,he’llthinkI’vejustbeenscrewingwithhim.”“Sothealternativeis…
lyingtohimmore?”
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“Precisely.Butforagoodcause.”“Agoodcause,”Amy
repeated,dubious.“Mylovelife,”Isaid.“It’s
indesperateneedofsomecharity.Helpingmewouldreallyjustbedoingagooddeed.”“Idon’tknow…”“What’stherenottoknow?”
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Iasked.“Itwon’tbehardanditwon’ttakelong.Basically,wejusthavetoconvinceRyderthatit’sme,notyou,he’sinterestedin.Really,it’llbebeneficialtobothofus.”“Howdowedothat?”“I’mgladyouasked,my
dearest,bestestfriend.It’ssimple.Westartbymakinghimwarmuptome.I’llact
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likeI’mjustplayingniceforyoursake,andhe’llagreebecausehe’sintoyou.Butthen,weconvincehimthatyouaren’tatallthekindofgirlhewantstobewith,makehimthinkhewaswrongaboutyou.Bythenhe’sgottenclosertome,realizedjusthowcharmingIactuallyam,andbam!RyderandIare
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makingoutinGert’sbackseatwhileBoyzIIMenplaysonthestereo.”“Who?”Igaveheradisappointed
stare.“YoushouldreallylistentothatninetiesplaylistImadeyou.You’dunderstandsomanymoreofmyreferences.”Amydecidedtoignorethis
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andreturnedtothemoreimportantconversation.“I’mstillnotsurewhatyouexpectmetodo,”shesaid.“HowdowemakeRyderthinkI’mwrongforhim?”“Well,first,Iwon’tIMhim
onyouraccountagain.AndifheIMsyou,youignorehim.Orsaysomethingrude.”Amygrimaced,asifthe
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ideaofbeingrude,eventosomeoneshedisliked,wasphysicallypainful.“Oryoucanaskmetosay
somethingrude.Whatever.”“Andwhataboutin
person?”sheasked.“Wegotoschooltogether.Hethinkswe’vebeentalkingthiswholetime—he’salreadytryingtohangoutwithme.”
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“Youblowhimoff,”Isay.“Actflaky.Orself-absorbed.”EvenasIsaidit,Iknewthis
wasgoingtoprovetobeachallengeforAmy.“I’llhelpyou,”Isaid.“You
guysdon’thaveanyclassestogether,anyway.Butwhenhedoescomeuptoyou,I’llbeyourdirector.We’reprettymuchtogetherallthetimeas
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itis,andIknowexactlywhatittakestopissoffRyderCross.ImightaswellhaveaPhDinit.”“I’mstillnotsure…”“Please,Amy.”Iclasped
myhandstogetherandgaveherthebiggest,saddesteyesIcouldmanage.“Please.Ineedthis.”“Youreallylikehimthat
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much?”sheasked.“Yeah.IthinkIdo.”Iwasnotaparticularly
romanticperson.Upuntilnow,I’donlyeverhadtwocrushesinmylife.ThefirstwasmychildishobsessionwithAmy’sbrother.ThesecondequallyasunattainablecrushwasonGregJohnson,thenews
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anchor.Acelebritycrush,ifyouwill.ButRyderwasdifferent.
TheflutteryfeelingIgotinmystomachwasn’tbasedonhowhelooked(thoughstaringathiminhistoryclasswasnotentirelyunpleasant)orjustbecausehewasnicetome(becausehewasn’talways).Myfeelingsforhim
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hadformedoverthecourseofourinstantmessageconversations—allofwhichhadlastedhours.I’dnevertalkedtoanyoneforhoursbefore,asidefromAmy.We’djustclicked.Hewassmartandsurprisinglyfunny.Evenifhewasalsoa
pretentioushipster.“Youhatedhimacoupleof
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weeksago,”Amysaid.“Whatifyouchangeyourmindabouthimagain?”“Iwon’t,”Iassuredher.
“Believeme,Amy.He’snottheassholewethought.Imean,hesortofis,butnotexactly.Ugh.IknowIsoundcrazy.Justtellmeyou’llhelp.Youhaveto.”Shelookeddownather
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half-eatenlunch.“IguessIwill.Aslongasitdoesn’tgoontoolong—”“Eee!Thankyou!”Isprang
acrossthetabletothrowmyarmsaroundher,mychestlandingrightinherplateoffrenchfries.“Iloveyou,Iloveyou,Iloveyou!Youaremyfavoritehumanbeing,AmyRush.”Andwiththat,I
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plantedakissrightonhercheek.Sheblushed,eitherpleased
orembarrassed.Thenshesaid,“Um…Mr.Buckleyjustwalkedintothecafeteria,andhe’sgivingusaverystrangelook.Probablybecauseyou’reontopofthetable,so…”Ilaughedandpushedmyself
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upandawayfromher,easingbackintomyseat.“I’vedoneweirderthingsinclass.He’susedtoit.”“Idon’tknowifthat’s
somethingtobragabout,”shesaid.Thenhereyeswidened.“Oh,no!Yourshirt.”“What?”Ilookeddown.Ketchup.Onmywhiteshirt.
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Allovermyboobs.“Fan-freaking-tastic,”Isaid,
eventhoughIwaslaughing.“Sorry,”Amymoaned.Asif
itwasherfaultI’dlaunchedmyselfacrossthelunchtable.“It’scool,”Isaid.“I’lljust
telleveryoneI’mdressedasamurdervictim.Imean,we’reonlyafewdaysfromHalloween.Noonewillthink
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twice.”Thebellrangandwethrew
ourtrashoutbeforeheadingtoourthirdblockclasses.“Ihavemygymclothesin
mylocker,”Amysaid.“YoucouldborrowthatT-shirt.Itmightbealittlestinky,butthere’snoketchuponit.”“It’sfine,”Isaid.“Maybe
I’llstartanewtrend.”
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ButmymindchangedwhenIspottedRyderheadingdownthehallwaytowardus.TherealityofwhatImustlooklikehitme,andIwassuddenlyfarlesscomfortablewithit.Iwassupposedtobemakingagoodimpression,afterall,andperhapsitwasn’tbesttostartoffwithagiantredsplotchacrossmy
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breasts.Iduckedintoanalcove,
draggingAmywithme.Wepressedagainstthewallandstayedquietashewalkedby,alone.Hewasalwaysalone.Myheartachedforhima
little,almostoverridingmyembarrassment.Oncehe’dturnedthenext
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corner,headingtowardthelibrary,IletoutabreathIdidn’tknowI’dbeenholding.Amygavemeasmall,knowingsmile.“So…,”Isaid.“Yeah.
AboutthatstinkyT-shirt.”
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“HowdoIlook?”Amysquintedtwovery
sleepyeyesatme.Shewasn’treallysupposedtobeawakeyet,butIwasabouttosneakoutbeforeherparentsgotup,andIneededheropiniononthiscrucialmatter.So,with
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greateffort,I’dshakenheroutofsleeptoshowhertheoutfitI’dchosen.Jeans,newlycleanandalittlesnug,andahunter-greencowl-necksweaterwithelbow-lengthsleeves.ItwastheonlynicetopI’d
broughttoAmy’swithme,andI’dbeensavingitforspecialoccasionsor,nowthat
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Iwasunemployed,jobinterviews.Interviewsthat,tomyintensedistress,hadnotyetoccurred.Itwasmygood-impressiontop,andtodayIneededtomakeadamngoodimpression.“Idon’tthinkyou’veever
askedmethatquestionbefore,”Amysaid.“Well,I’maskingyou
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now.”Iglancedatthefull-lengthmirrorthathungonthebackofherbedroomdoor.Mycurls,despitemybestefforts,werestillalittlewild,buttheyweren’ttoooutrageous.“I’vegottobefriendlywithRydertoday,andSnobbyMcSnobbersonwon’tbesowillingifIlooklikethehomelessruffianthat
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Iam.”“It’stooearlyforyoutouse
wordslike‘ruffian,’”Amymumbled.Shestretchedherarmsoverherheadandletoutahugeyawn.“Andifhe’ssosnobby,whyareyoudoingthis?”“Becausehe’scuteandI
wanttokisshisface.”“Right.”
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“Theproblemis,hewantstokissyourface.Sotodayisthebeginningofourmasterplantochangethat.WhichmeansIneedtolookdecent,so…howdoIlook?”“Likeaback-to-school
clothingcommercial.”“Perfect.”Ipickedupmy
backpack,gavemyhaironelastcheck,andgrinnedat
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Amy.“Today,itbegins.”“Mm-hm.”Sheflopped
backonthebed,eyesalreadyclosed.IhurriedoutoftheRushes’
houseanddownthestreettowhereGertwaited.And,tomyrelief,shedecidedtorunthatmorning.Iarrivedatschoolwith
enoughtimetopopintothe
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bathroomandgivemyselfonemoreonce-overbeforeheadingtoMr.Buckley’sclass.Iwasfeelinguncharacteristicallynervous.Imighthavehadamajor
crushonRyder,buthestillcouldn’tstandme.WhichmeantIhadtoeasehimintoit.IfIcouldgethimtotolerateme,itwouldonlybe
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amatteroftimebeforeherealizedthatI,notAmy,wasthepersonhewantedtomakeoutwith.Thiswasthemostcrucial
stepoftheplan,andIcouldn’taffordtoscrewitup.Theclassroomwasalmost
fullbythetimeIslidintomyseatbehindRyder.Hedidn’tevenlookupasIwalkedpast.
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“Goodmorning,”Isaid.Noresponse.Butthat
wasn’tasurprise.I’dgoneoverandoverthe
wordsIwantedtosaytohim,thephrasingI’dusetoconvincehimtohearmeout.Butstaringatthebackofhishead,atthehunchedmusclesinhisshoulders,Ifeltmyselfstarttopanic.Whatifitjust
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wentdownlikelasttime?Whatifhedidn’tletmegetawordout?WhatifImadehimhatemeevenmore?Whatifthiswasalljusta
wasteoftime?BeforeIcouldclimboutof
thedoomspiralI’dbeguntosinkinto,thebellrangandMr.Buckleyappeared.“So,”hesaid,walkingtothe
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whiteboard.“WhowantstotalkabouttheTudors?”Isankbackintomyseat,the
momentlost.Iwouldn’tgetachancetotalktoRyderagainuntiltheendofclass,andthatwasonlyifhedidn’trushout,inahurrytogettohisnextclass.Theboydidputalotofemphasisonpunctuality.JustwhenIstartedtothink
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I’dwastedmynicesweater,anideahitme.RyderandImayhavehad
somecommunicationproblemsoftheface-to-facevariety,butwewereaceswhenitcametocorrespondingviatext.Sure,hewasn’tawareofthatfact,butIwas.Andhecouldn’tinterruptmeifmywords
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wereonpaper.Irippedasheetfrommy
notebookandpretendedtotakenotesonMr.Buckley’slecturewhilesecretlyscribblinganotetoRyder.Ittookmeafewtriestofigureouttherightwords,buteventually,Ihadit.
Hey.So,Iknowwehaveourissues,butyou’vebeen
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talkingtoAmy,right?She’smybestfriend,andasawfulasyouthinkIam,Idowanthertobehappy.Socanweplaynice?Callatruce?Forher,attheleast.—S
I’llbehonest—writingsomeofthatmademenauseous.Ihadtofighttheurgetoripupthepaperand
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justwritethetruth,thatitwasmehe’dbeentalkingto.ButIknewthatwouldgetmenowhere.He’djustthinkIwaslying,ironically.Orthatithadallbeensomemeanjoke.BeforeIcouldsecond-guess
mydecision,Ifoldeduptheslipofpaper,tappedRyderontheshoulder,andtossedit
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intohislap.Iwatchedhimeyeitforaminute,nottouchingthepaper.Likehethoughtitmightexplodeorcontainanthraxorsomething.“Don’tbesodramatic,”I
whispered.Hesighed,justloudenough
formetohear,thenpickedupthenote.Slowly,heunfoldeditandbegantoread.
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Ittookhimforever.Hiseyesmusthavescannedoverthewordsathousandtimes.Itwasagonizing.But,atlast,hepickedupapenandbegantoscribblehisownresponse.IheldmybreathasRyder
foldedthepaperbackup,neaterthanIhad,andquicklytosseditoverhisshoulderontomydesk.
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IscoopeditupandalmosttorethepaperasIscrambledtoread.
Fine.ForAmy’ssake—truce.
Igrinnedaseverymuscleinmybodyrelaxed,relieved.Onlytothengorigidonce
moreasMr.Buckley’slectureshiftedawayfromsomeHenryoranotherand
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ontoRyder.“Mr.Cross,”hesaid.“DidI
justseeyoupassMs.Ardmoreanote?”“Uh…”“BecauseIdon’tknowhow
theydidthingsatyouroldschoolinWashington,DC”—Mr.Buckleypausedassomeofourclassmateschuckled—“butatHamilton,
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wedon’tcondonenotepassing.”“Mr.Buckley,I—”Ryder
began.“Hewasn’tpassingmea
note,”Icutin.Mr.BuckleyandRyderboth
turnedtofaceme.ButIwastotallycool.BecausewhilecommunicatingwithRydermayhavemademeanervous
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wreck,lyingaboutitwassomethingIcoulddoinmysleep.“Excuseme,Ms.
Ardmore?”“Ryderwasn’tpassingmea
note,”Isaid.I’dalreadyswipedthepaperoffmydeskandhiddenitinmylapwhileMr.BuckleywaslookingatRyder.“Hewas…tossing
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mesomethingelse.”“Oh?Andwhat’sthat?”“I’mnotsureifIshould
say,Mr.Buckley.”“Youcaneithersayittome
ortheprincipal,Ms.Ardmore.Yourchoice.”“Oh,okay.Ryderwas
tossingmea…uh…sanitarynapkin.Itfelloutofmypurseandhewasgivingit
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backtome.”“A…oh.”Mr.Buckley’s
facehadturnedquitered.Ryder,however,looked
confused.Iwonderedifhe’deverheardapadreferredtoasasanitarynapkin.Sincehehadn’tgrownupreadingJudyBlumenovels,Idoubtedit.“Sorryaboutthat,Ms.
Ardmore,”Mr.Buckley
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chokedout.“Ididn’tmeantodrawattentionto…suchaprivatematter.”“Nobigdeal,”Isaid.“It’s
justapad.”NowRyderhadcaughtup.
But,tohiscredit,helookedonlyslightlyuncomfortable.WhichwasmorethanIcouldsayforMr.Buckley.Whiletheclassbrokeoutinto
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giggles,helookedtotallymortified.God,maleteacherswereso
easy.“Let’sgetbacktoEngland,
shallwe?”Heturnedtotheboard.Isatbackinmychair,
fightingasmirk.Itpaidtobeshameless.Afteranotherhalfhourof
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takingnotes,thebellrang.IleanedforwardasRydershovedpapersintohisneatlylabeledhistoryfolder.“SorryifIembarrassed
you,”Isaid.“Youdidn’t.”Hisvoicewasstiff,andhe
didn’tlookatmeashegottohisfeet.Istood,too,andforaminute,Ithoughthewas
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goingtowalkoutoftheclassroomwithoutanotherword.Buttomysurprise,heturnedtofaceme.“Thankyou,”hesaid.“For
thelie.Theweird,slightlyover-the-topliethat,nonetheless,keptmeoutoftrouble.”Didhejustusenonetheless
incasualconversation?Oh,I
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knewIlikedhim.“Hey,whatarenon-enemies
for?”Iasked.“Besides,itwasmynote.Icouldn’tletyoutakecreditformyrulebreaking.Peoplemightstartthinkingyouwerecool.”Thecornersofhismouth
twitched,likehislipswantedtosmilebuthisbrainrefusedtoletthem.
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Isawit,though.Andsomehow,IknewI’djustsucceededatsomething.“Seeyouaround,Ryder,”I
said,myshouldergrazinghisasImovedpasthim,headingfortheclassroomdoor.Ididn’tlookback,butpart
ofme,thepartthathadseenathousandbadromanticcomedies,hopedhewas
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watchingmewalkaway.Amywaswaitingforme
outsideoftheclassroom,andweheadedtowardsecondblocktogether.“Howdiditgo?”sheasked.Ismirkedupather,Ryder’s
almost-smilefloodingmewithunexpectedconfidence.“He’llbeminesoonenough.”
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Okay,somaybeIwasalittleoverconfident.Just,like,atinybit.Butsofarmyplanwas
workingprettybrilliantly.OnTuesday,IaskedRyderifIcouldborrowapen,andheletme.AndonThursday,he
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helpedmepickupmybooksafterIaccidentally-on-purposeknockedthemoffmydesk.Progress!Myplanhadonefatalflaw,
however,becausewhileIwasmakingRydernotdespiseme,makinghimnotadoreAmywasprovingtobeimpossible.
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Ryder,obviouslythinkingheandAmyhadagreatcyberconnection,kepttryingtoconnectwithherinreallife.Overthenextweek,hewalkeduptoherinthehallwaysatschool,wavedtoherintheparkinglot,andhecontinuedaskinghertositwithhimatlunch.Amyalwaysgavean
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excuse,butthatwastheproblem.Amywassosweet,sopolite,thatnoonewouldrealizeshewastryingtoavoidthem.“We’vegottodosomething
aboutthis,”Isaid.“Steeringclearofhimisn’tgoingtobeenough.”“Idon’tknowwhatelseto
do,”shesaid.We’dmetin
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theparkinglotbeforeschoolthatmorningandwerewalkingintothebuildingtogether.“Andhekeepstextingmethesushiemoji.”Ilaughed.“Idon’tgetit,”shesaid.“It’saninsidejoke.Wehad
anemojiwaronce.Itendedoveremojisushi.”“Well,Idon’tknowhowto
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respondtoit.”“Don’t,”Isaid.“Infact…
letmedoit.Youmightbetoonicetoscarehimoff,butI’mnot.Here.Givemeyourphone.”Shepulleditfromherpurse
andhandeditover.“Youcanholdontoit,”shesaid.“LikeItoldyoubefore—theonlypeoplewhoevercallortext
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meareyouandmybrother.Well,andRydernow,Iguess,buthe’sactuallytextingyou,so…”Ipocketedthephoneand
gaveheraone-armedhug.“Thankyou.HaveItoldyoulatelythatyou’rethebest,mostgenerous,prettiestfriendIhave?”“Yes.LastnightwhenIlet
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youborrowmynailpolish.”“Right.”“Andagainfiveminutesago
whenIletyouhavethelastsipofmycoffee.”“Noted.I’mavery
appreciativeperson.You’reluckytohaveme.”“Andyou’resomodest,
too.”Sheelbowedmewithagrin.“Butwhatarewegoing
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todoaboutRyder?Ifmeavoidinghimisn’tgoingtowork,then—”ButbeforeAmyhadeven
gottenthequestionout,wefoundourselvesface-to-facewiththedevilhimself.Ryderhadjustroundedthecorner,andhewasheadingourway.Amyonlyhadtimeto
mutteranervous“Crap”
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beforehewasstandingrightinfrontofus.“Amy,”hesaidwitha
brightsmile.Asmilethatshould’vebeen
forme.ButIshookoffthesudden,irrationalpangofjealousy.“Hi,”Amysaid,fidgeting
nexttome.“Howareyou?”heasked.
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“Okay.”Sheglancedatme,hereyesbeggingforhelp.OnlythendidRyderactuallyseemtonoticethatIwasstandingthere.“Oh,Sonny,”hesaid.“Hito
you,too.”“Hey.Didyoureadthe
chaptersforMr.Buckley’sclass?”“Ialwaysreadthe
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chapters.”Hisvoicewasflatandobvious,withoutatraceofhumor.“Right,”Isaid,feelinglike
anidiotforasking.Becauseofcoursehehad.HewasRyderCross.Anddespitetheprogresswe’dmade,apparentlyweweren’tquiteatsmalltalklevelyet.“Reallyinterestingstuffwe’vebeen
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readingabout.Englandandbeheadingsandall.”Buthiseyeswerealready
backonAmy.“Listen,”hesaid.“Iknow
you’vebeenbusylately,butIwasthinkingmaybewecouldgettogetherthisweekend.There’sanIranianfilmthatjustcameout,andIthoughtwecouldgoseeittogether.”
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“Um…well.”Amylookedatmeagain,asifIcouldsomehowhelpheroutofthisone.WhenIjustshrugged,her
eyesbegansearchingelsewhere,andafterasecondshegrabbedmyarm.“Ihavetopee,”she
announced.“Berightback.”Andshepromptlybegan
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draggingmetowardthebathroom,leavingRyderwithalookofpronouncedconfusionetchedonhisface.“Well,that’sonewayto
makehimstopworshippingyou,”Isaidoncewewerestandinginfrontoftherowofsinks.“Talkingaboutyourbodilyfunctions.”“Hekeepsaskingmeout,”
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shesaid.“Andhe’sjustgoingtoaskagainifItellhimI’mbusythisweekend.”“Iknow,”Isaid.“We’ve
gottacomeupwithanotherwayto…Wait.”“What?”“Ihaveanidea.Avoiding
himisn’tgoingtowork,right?You’retooniceandhejustkeepstrying.Somaybe
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whenyoudohavetotalktohim,youcoulddothingslikewhatyoujustdid.”“Talkaboutmybodily
functions?”“Amongotherthings,”I
said.“Beweird.Beallthethingshecan’tstand.”“Idon’tknowwhathecan’t
stand,”shesaid.“Well…Iknowhedoesn’t
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likepeoplewhoareflaky.Orpeoplewhoarelateforthings.Hehateswhenpeopleareirresponsibleandhe’skindofasnob,sopopculturereferencesgetonhisnerves.”“So…Ishouldactlike
you?”sheoffered.“Heynow.”“I’mkidding.”Shechewed
onherbottomlip.“But…I
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don’tknow.Idon’twanttoberude.”“Yes,”Isaid.“Youdo.For
onceinyourlifeyoudo.”“Sonny…”“Itwon’tkillyou,”Iassured
her.“Comeon.Please.Justbealittleweird.Andnotcute,adorkableweird.He’dprobablybeintothat.”“Idon’t—”
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“Notime,”Isaid.“Let’sgo.”Idraggedherbackoutof
thebathroom.Asexpected,Ryderwasstillwaitingrightwherewe’dlefthim.HesmiledatAmy.“Everythingokay?”he
asked.“Oh,ye—”Shestopped,
glancedatme,andthen
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clearedherthroat.“No.I’malittlebloated,so…”Ryderraisedaneyebrow.
“Okay…anyway.Soaboutthatdate?”“Can’t,”Amysaid.“I,uh…
There’saRealHousewivesmarathononthisweekend.Ihavetowatchit.”“YouwatchrealityTV?”As
expected,heappearedtobe
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disgustedbythisrevelation.“She’sobsessed,”Isaid,
chimingin.“Deeplyobsessed.She’sseeneveryseasonofTheRealWorld,too.Eventheoldonesthatcameonbackinthenineties.”Amynodded.“Yep.SoI’ll
bebusythisweekend.”“Can’tyourecordit?”
Ryderasked.“The
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marathon?”“I…um…No.Ican’t.I
haveto,uh,live-tweetit.”Butshecouldn’tresistadding,“Sorry.”“That’sokay.Maybe
anothertime.NextSaturday—”“Amy,don’tyouneedtoget
toclass?”Iasked.“Thebell’sabouttoring.You’llbelate.
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Again.”“Huh?Oh.”Shenodded.
“Right.Late.I’malwayslate.LateAmy.That’swhatmyteacherscallme,so…Okay.Bye.”Shetookoffdownthe
hallway.Ryderfrownedafterher,thenheturnedtome.“Thatwas…different.Issheokay?”
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“What?No.She’salwayslikethat,”Ilied.“Sheis?”Ryderlooked
skeptical.“Thatdidn’tseemliketheAmyIknow.”“Youdon’tknowheras
wellasyouthink.”“Hmm.”“Comeon,”Isaid,eagerto
changethesubject.“Weshouldgettoclass,too.”
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RydernoddedandhefellintostepwithmeasweheadedforMr.Buckley’sclassroom.Despitemyfailedattemptbefore,Itriedtostartaconversationwithhimagain.Iskippedthesmalltalk,though,andwentstraightforthebigguns.“Sohow’syourdad’s
campaigngoing?”
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Rydershrugged.“Noidea.Why?”“I’mjustcurious.Tuesday
iselectionday,andIknowhe’srunningforreelection.”ButsinceSenatorCrossdidn’trepresentourregion,Irealizedthatmighthavebeenaweebitstrange,soIadded,“Amytoldme.”“MydadandIaren’t
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exactlyspeakingrightnow.AndIdon’tseethatchanginganytimesoon.”“Oh.I’msorrytohearthat.I
knowhiscampaigniskindofabigdeal.IjustthoughtyoumightbegoingtoDCtohelphimwithit.”“I’msureyouandeveryone
elseinthisschoolwouldlovethat,”hesaidasweentered
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theclassroomandtookourseats.“No,”Isaidquickly.
“That’snotwhatImeant.Iwasjustwondering.”“Well,toansweryour
question,no.Idon’tparticularlywanthimtowin,so…”“That’sprettyharsh,”Isaid,
surprised.Iknewwhathis
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dadhaddone,butI’dalsodonesomeresearchonSenatorCross.Hewas,withoutquestion,ashittyhusband,butbyallaccounts,hewasagoodpolitician.He’dbeenthechampionofseveralprogressivebillsoverthepastfewyears,andheseemedtobedoingalottohelpthepoorandmiddle
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classinMaryland.Hotsupermodelmistress
aside,Iwould’vevotedfortheguy.“Nothinghedoesn’t
deserve,”Rydersaid.Iwasn’tsurehowto
respondtothat,notwhenItechnicallywasn’tsupposedtoknowthedetailsofthefalling-outwithhisdad.Iwas
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savedthetrouble,however,whenthebellrangandclasswasunderway.Anhourandahalflater,I
caughtupwithAmyassheleftherfirstblockclass.“Ifitisn’tLateAmy,”I
teased.“Youstillbloated?Also,wow,thatsoundslikeapregnancyjoke.”“Ugh.”Shegroaned.“I
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didn’tknowwhattosay.Thatwassoawful.”“No,itwasn’t,”Itoldher.
Wewereweavingourwaythroughthecrowdedhallway.Foraschoolthatbarelyhadfourhundredstudents,HamiltonHighcouldgetsurprisinglycongested.“Actually,youwereperfect.Justdothateverytimeyou
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seeRyder,andhe’llbeoveryouinnotime.”“ButIdon’twanttodo
that,”Amysaid.“Itwassoawkward.”“Itwassupposedtobe.”I
loopedmyarmthroughhers.“Don’tworry.It’llbefine.Justafewmoreencounterswithweird,flakyAmyandthisthingwillallbedone.”
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Amylookedlikeshewasabouttoprotest,butthenIrealizedsomething.“Crap.Ileftmytoothbrush
inyourbathroomthismorning.Youdon’tthinkyourparentswillgointhere,right?Andnotice?”“Noticeyourtoothbrush?”
Amyshookherhead.“Idoubtit.Theyhavenoreason
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togointhere.Theyhavetheirownbathroom.”“Good,”Isaid,relieved,as
weslidintoourseatsinMrs.Perkins’sEnglishclass.“I’vebeengettingsloppylately.Ileftmyshoesonthemattheothernight,andtwodaysagoIforgottolockthefrontdooronmywayout.”“Well,”Amysaid,pulling
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outhertextbook,“theyhaven’tsaidanythingtomeaboutanyofthosethings.”“Yeah.Iknow.I’mjust
paranoid.”“Ifyou’rereallythat
worriedaboutit,wecouldjusttellthem,”shesuggested.“Theywon’tcarethatyou’restaying,Sonny.I’vetoldyou.Ifyoujusttellthemyouwere
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kickedout—”Ishookmyhead.“No.It’ll
betoocomplicated.They’llwanttotalktomymomand…justno.It’sbetterifwekeepthingsthewaytheyare.”Amysighed.“Okay,”she
said.“Istilldon’tseewhattheproblemis,butit’syourchoice.AfewweeksagoI
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would’vesaidthere’snowaywecouldkeepitfrommyparentsforthislong,butclearlythat’snotthecase.”“Iamamagnificentsneak,”
Isaid.“TheRussiansshouldhiremeasaspy.Infact,forallyouknow,maybetheyalreadyhave.”“Youjusttoldmelikethree
thingsthatcould’vegiven
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youaway,”Amypointedout.“Buttheydidn’t!”I
declared.Amyshookherhead,
giggling.“Ishouldstopworrying
aboutit,though,”IsaidasMrs.Perkinsenteredtheroomandbeganscribblinginstructionsonthewhiteboard.“Yourparents
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figuringthingsout,Imean.It’sbeenafewweeks.IftheyweregoingtofindoutIwaslivingwithyou,theywouldhavebynow.I’mprobablyintheclear.”
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“WeknowSonny’sbeenlivinghere.”SomaybeI’dspokentoo
soon.Itwasthenextday,
Saturday,whichmeantI’dbeensecretlylivingintheRushes’houseforalmosta
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month.I’dreallythoughtIwasintheclear,butwhenMr.RushhadaskedAmyandmetocometalktohimandMrs.Rushinthelivingroom,Iknewwewerebusted.“What…whatareyou
talkingabout?”Amysqueaked.Poorthing.Theguiltwasalloverherprettylittleface.Shehadtheworst
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pokerfaceI’deverseen.“We’veknownforawhile,”
Mr.Rushsaid.“Contrarytopopularbelief,mywifeandIaren’ttotallyoblivious.”“You’veleftafewclues,”
Mrs.Rushpointedout.“Andwe’veheardyousneakinginatnight.You’renotexactlythequietestperson,Sonny.”“Wealsoseemedtobe
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runningoutoffoodfasterthanusual,”Mr.Rushadded.“Whydidn’tyousay
anythingbefore?”Iasked.“Ifyou’veknown…”“Wewerehopingyou’d
cometouswithwhateverwasgoingonwhenyouwereready,”Mr.Rushsaid.“Butitwasbecomingclearthatmightnothappenanytime
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soon.”Ileanedbackagainstthe
couchcushion¸pullingmysockedfeetupandhuggingmykneestomychest.Iwasholdingdownthewaveofpanicrisinginmystomach.“Sonowwehavesome
questionsofourown,”Mr.Rushcontinued.“Yes,”Mrs.Rushagreed.
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“Like,Sonny,whyhaveyoubeenlivinghereforthepastfewweeks?Youknowyou’realwayswelcomehere,butyousecretlymovinginissomethingelseentirely.We’reconcernedandwe’dliketoknowwhat’sgoingonunderourownroof.”“I…I…”Iswallowed.Comeon,Sonny.Yougotthis.
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You’regoodatthis.Justlie.Lie,lie,lie.“Idon’tknow.It’snothing,really.Homeisjustboring,so…”Damnit.Notmybestwork.Butmyheartwasracingandmypalmswereallsweaty.“I’lljustgohome.It’sfine.”Buttheideaofgoingback
tomyhousemadethepanicevenworse.
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Istartedtostandup,butAmycaughtmyarm.“No,”shesaid.“Tellthem,
Sonny.”Mr.Rushraisedaneyebrow
whilehiswifefrownedwithconfusion.“Telluswhat?”sheasked.ButI’dlostmywords.I
couldalwayscomeupwithananswer.Ihadalieready
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foranything.AndI’dliedaboutthis,aboutmymom,athousandtimesovertheyears.Itshould’vebeeneasy.Butthisliewasalittlebigger—itinvolvedmorepeoplewithmorepotentialtopokeholesinwhateverIsaid—andIfeltsuddenlystuck.Icouldn’tthinkofalieto
tell.Notonethatwouldn’t
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involvemorequestions.Ineededasecondtothink.Luckily,Amyboughtmea
littletime.“Shewaskickedout,”she
toldherparents.“Shedidn’twanttotellyou,buthermomkickedherout.Soshe’sbeenstayinghere.”“What?”Mr.Rushsaid.
“Whywouldshekickyou
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out,Sonny?”Istaredatmyfeet,theheat
ofembarrassmentcreepingupmyneck.Icouldn’tseetheirfaces,andIhopedtheycouldn’tseemineasIshovedouttheonlylieIcouldthinkof.“Pot,”Imuttered.“Really?”Amywhispered.
“Youdidn’ttellmethatpart.”
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Amyhadbeenbegging,inherindirectsortofway,fordetailsofmyejectionfrommymother’shomeforweeks.I’dalwayschangedthesubjectorsaidIdidn’twanttotalkaboutitorpretendedIhadn’theardherask.ThelessItalkedaboutmymom,thebetter.“Marijuana?”Mrs.Rush
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said.“That…doesn’tsoundlikeyou,Sonny.”“No,”Mr.Rushagreed.“It
doesn’t.”“I…Ionlyuseditonce,”I
managed.“Butmymomfoundout,and…”“Andshekickedyouout,”
Mr.Rushfinishedthesentenceforme.“Well,Iwouldn’tbethrilledifIwere
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hereither,butthatseemslikeabitofanoverreaction.”“That’swhyshe’sbeen
stayinghere,”Amysaid.“I’msorrywedidn’ttellyoutwosooner.Butcanshekeepstayinghere?Please?”“Sonny’salwayswelcome,”
Mrs.Rushsaid.“ButIthinkweshouldspeaktohermotherabout—”
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“No.”Myheadshotup.“No,that’sabadidea.”“It’sbeenweekssinceshe
kickedyouout,”Mr.Rushsaid.“Surelyshe’srealizedwhatanoverreactionthisis.”“Weshouldtalktoher.Try
toconvinceher…,”Mrs.Rushbegan.ButIwasshakingmyhead
sohardithurt.“No,”Isaid
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again.“I’ve…I’vetried.She’sreallystrictaboutthisstuff.She’snothavingit.”“Doessheatleastknow
whereyouare?”Mrs.Rushasked.Inodded.“Yeah.Imean,
whereelsewouldIbe?”Amysqueezedmyhand.“Weshouldstillcallher,”
Mr.Rushsaid.“Justsoshe
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knowsforsurethatyou’resafeand—”“I’lldoit,”Isaidquickly.“Areyousure?”Mrs.Rush
asked.“Shemightwanttospeaktousabout—”“Ifshedoes,I’lltellyou,”I
said.“Justletmedoit.Please.Thatis,ifyou’regoingtoletmestayhere?”Amy’sparentsglancedat
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eachother,thenbackatme.“Sonny,ofcourseyoucan
stayhere,”Mrs.Rushsaid.“Infact,youshould’vetoldussooner.Wewouldn’thavebeenupset.”“Thatsaid,wedon’t
condoneillegalsubstancesinthishouseeither,”Mr.Rushsaid.“Soifyouaregoingtocontinuestayinghere,no
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pot.”“Noproblem,”Isaid.Truthbetold,I’dnever
smokedpotinmylife.Notforanymoralorethicalreason(clearlymymoralswereallovertheplace),butIjusthadn’thadmuchofaninterest.Ilikedtobeabletothinkquickonmyfeet.Allthebetterforlying,mydear.
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Adrugthatsloweddownthebrain,evenjustforalittlebit?Nothanks.“Youhavethesamecurfew
asAmy,then,”Mrs.Rushsaid.“Allthesamerules.”“Andyouhavetocallyour
mother.Rightafterwefinishuphere,”Mr.Rushsaid.“Iknowyouthinksheknowswhereyouare,butI’drather
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notleaveherguessing.Shestillcaresaboutyou.She’llwanttoknowyou’resafe.”Inodded.ButIwasn’tsosurehewas
right.Mrs.Rushgottoherfeet.“I
bettergogettheguestroomsetup,then.”“That’sokay,”Isaid.“I
don’tmindstayinginAmy’s
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room.”“Areyousure?”Mrs.Rush
asked.“It’sgottobealittlecrowdedinthereforthebothofyou.Aslumberpartyisonething,butfull-time…”“Wedon’tmindsharing,”
Amyassuredher.“Well,I’matleastgoingto
cleartheclosetsoshecanhangherclothesup,”Mrs.
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Rushsaid.“Goodlord,Sonny.Haveyoubeenlivingoutofaduffelbagthiswholetime?”Inodded.Sheshookherheadand
gavemeahug,asifthiswasthesaddestthingshe’deverheard.Oncesheletgo,sheheadedforthestairs.“Amy,honey,whydon’tyougoput
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somefreshtowelsforbothofyouinthebathroom.”“Okay.”Amystoodup,
gavemeafleetingglance,thenfollowedhermotherupthestairs.WhichleftonlyMr.Rush
andme.Therewasalongsilenceat
first,anditwassopainfullyawkwardthatIhadtosay
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somethingormybrainmightexplode.“Thankyouforlettingme
stay.”“Don’tevenmentionit,”he
said.“YouandAmyhavebeenbestfriendsforhowlong?Wemightaswellmakeyoulivinghereofficial.”Hesmiled,buttherewasasadnessinit.“Sonny,areyou
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sureyoudon’twantmetocallyourmother?”“I’lldoit,”Isaid.“I’lltell
herwhereIam.”Henodded.“Butifyoudo
needtotalkaboutsomething,don’thesitatetocometoMrs.Rushorme.Iknowthatprobablygoeswithoutsaying,but…”“Thankyou,”Isaid.“I
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will.”“Good.”Hestoodup.“I’m
goingtogogetdinnerstarted.Callyourmother,okay?”“Yes,sir.”IstillhadAmy’scellphone,
andwhenMr.Rushlefttheroom,Ipulleditout.Istaredatthekeypadforalongtimebeforedialingthefamiliarnumber.OneI’ddialedover
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andoverandoveragaininthepastfewweeks.“Sorry,butthenumberyouhavedialedisdisconnectedorisnolongerinservice.”Ihungupandputthephone
away,blinkingbacktears.“Theclosetandthedresser
areempty,”Mrs.Rushannouncedasshemadeherwaybackdownthestairs.
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“They’reallyours.”“Thankyou.”Istoodup.
“I’llgoputmyclothesaway.”“Didyoucallyourmother?”
sheasked.Inodded.“Yeah.Shesaid
she’snotreadyformetocomehomeyet,butshe’sgladI’mokay.Shesaysthanksforlettingmestay.”
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Mrs.Rushsmiledandtouchedmyshoulder.“Good,”shesaid.“Letmeknowifyouneedanything,okay?”“Iwill.Thankyou.”Icouldn’tsayitenough.
Thankyouforlettingmestay.Thankyoufornotaskingmorequestions.ItwasmorethanIdeserved.More
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thanmostpeoplewouldgivetheirdaughter’sdelinquentbestfriend.Iwasn’tactuallya
delinquent,butbasedontheliesI’djusttold,theythoughtIwas.Butstill,theywerelettingmelivehere.That’sjustthekindofpeopletheRusheswere.IwentuptoAmy’sroom
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andgrabbedmybag.Itookittotheguestroomandstartedtossingmywrinkledclothesintodrawersandputtingthenicerthings(i.e.,myonenicesweater)onhangers.Iwasalmostdonewhen
Amy’sphonebuzzedinmybackpocket.IlookedatthescreenandsawthatitwasatextfromRyder.
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My dad knows I knowabout the model andnow he won’t stopcalling. I never answer.He won’t take the hint.
Iwassupposedtorespondwithsomethingobnoxiousorbizarre.Somethingtomakehimquestionwhyhe’deverlikeAmy.ThatwaswhyIhadthephone,afterall.But
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justthen,withmymother’ssilenceringinginmyears,Icouldn’tholdbackthewordsIreallywantedtosaytohim.
Answer him. He mightbe a dick, but at least hewants to talk to you.
ItonlytookRyderasecondtorespond.
That wasn’t the reply I
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expected. Is everythingokay?
Notforthefirsttime,Ifounditwaseasiertobehonestintextformthaninreallife.
Not really.
Is it your mom?
Yes.
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Do you want to talkabout it? I’m here tolisten. You’ve listened tome complain plentyabout my parents.
Actually, I’d rather talkabout anything but thatright now.
We can do that, too.
Weshouldn’thave.I
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shouldn’thave.Butwedid.
***
Thenextday,myhuntforemploymentfinallypaidoff.Igotane-mailfromthe
bookstoreatthemall,invitingmeforaninterview.Isatdownwiththemanager
afterschoolonMonday,butonlyforafewminutes.Igot
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thesensetheywouldhireprettymuchanyone.“It’sretail,”themanager,
Sheila,said.“Wegetprettybusyaroundtheholidays.”“Sothiswouldjustbe
seasonal?”Iasked,alittledisappointed.Anyjobwoulddo,butIwasgoingtoneedonewellpasttheendoftheyear.
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“Yes,”Sheilasaid.“Butthere’salwayspotentialforyoutobehiredoninthenewyear,too.”“Potentialisgood.”“Soyou’rein?”“Definitely.”WhileIfeltalittleguilty
aboutmoochingofftheRushes,atleastnowI’dhavemoneytopayformygasand
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lunchwithouthavingtolieorborrowfromAmy.Icouldalsostartsavingupfornewclothes,sinceIhadn’tpackedmanywinteroutfitswhenIleftmyhouse.“Also,”AmysaidwhenI
toldherthegoodnewsthatnight,“youcangetmeadiscountonbooks.”“Becauseyoudon’thave
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enoughofthose,”Isaid,gesturingtotheoverflowingbookcasenexttoherdesk.“Haveyouevenreadallofthose?Orevenhalf?”“It’smoreaboutthe
collection,”shesaid.Irolledmyeyes.“Oneday,
you’regoingtobeonarealityTVshow,buriedunderyourcollectionandneedinga
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seriousmentalhealthintervention.”“Andyou’llbethe
concernedfriendwho,insteadoffindingmethehelpIneed,decidestogetmeonTV.”“Hey,girl.Ineedmyclose-
up,too.”Webothburstintogiggles,
foroncenotworriedaboutbeingtooloudorwakingher
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parents.Ihavetoadmit,itwasnicetobedonewiththesneakingaround.Betweenthatandthenewjob,ahugeweighthadbeenliftedoffmyshoulders.Unfortunately,therewere
stillacouplemoreIcouldn’tseemtoshake.
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IhadthisrecurringnightmarethatstartedwhenIwaseleven,whenthingswithmymombegangoingsouth.Ormoresouththanthey’d
alreadybeen.Thedreambeganinmy
bedroombackhome.Iwas
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doingsomething—homeworkorreading,Iwasneverreallysure—whenIheardthefrontdoorslam.Fromthere,itwasalwaysthesame.I’dgetupandcallouttomymom,buttherewouldonlybesilence.Thick,unnaturalsilence.Eventhebirdsoutsidemywindowseemedmutedallofa
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sudden.SoI’dleavemybedroomandfindthatthehousewasnearlypitch-black.Thesun,whichhadbeenshiningthroughmybedroomwindow,vanished.I’dkeepcallingformymomandhuntingforalightswitch,buttheyweren’twheretheyweresupposedtobe.Andneitherwasthefurniture.I’dreachto
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putmyhandonthecounterorgotositonachairandfindnothingthere.Eventually,I’dgotomymom’sroom,sureshe’dbethere.Sureshe’dbeabletofixwhateverhadhappenedtoourhouse.Butthedoortoherroom
wasliketheentrancetoablackhole.Thedarknesswasthicker.Darkerthanblack.I
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screamedforMom,buttheholeswalloweditup.ThatwaswhenI’dwakeup,
shakinganddesperateforasound,anysound,justtoknowIwasn’talone.SometimesI’dgomonths
withouthavingthedream,andsometimesithappenedeveryothernight.Ithadbeenawhilethis
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time.IguessAmy’ssnoreshadchasedanynightmaresofsilenceaway.ButthedayafterIgotmynewjob,thenightmarecameagain.Iwokeupwithanother
screamonmylips,andIhadtobiteitback.Theroomwassodarkthat,foraminute,Icouldn’trememberwhereIwas.Nexttome,Amy
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snored,loudandlong.Itwasasmallcomfort,butafterafewsecondsofdeepbreathsandcalmingthoughts,Istillcouldn’trelax,letalonegetbacktosleep.“Amy,”Iwhispered,
nudgingherarmandfeelingonlyalittleguiltyaboutdisruptingherbeautysleep.“Hey,Amy.”
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Apparently,Iwasn’tinterruptinganythingtonightbecauseallshedidwassnortandrollawayfromme.Don’tbestupid,Ithought.You’renotalone.She’srightthere,evenifshecan’thearyou.Gobacktosleep,Sonny.Buttheroomseemedtoo
dark,andtheideaofclosingmyeyes,ofaddinganother
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layerofblackness,mademyheartthumpuncomfortablyinmychest.“Screwit,”Imumbled,
throwingtheblanketsoffofme.IclimbedoverAmy,grabbedhercellphonefromthedresser,andtiptoedoutoftheroom.Theminutethelightinthe
recroomflickeredon,itwas
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instantlyeasiertobreathe.Likethedarknesshadactuallybeenpressingdownonme,crushingmychest.Iwalkedovertothecouchandfloppeddownonmyback,Amy’sphonestillinmyhand.Oneofthebenefitsofborrowingherphonewhileminewasoutofcommission:Shehadasmartphone.Which
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meantgames.I’dalreadydownloadedafewfreeones,alongwithsomehumorous,inappropriatetexttonesthatAmyhadn’tfoundquiteasfunnyasIhad.Butevensillyphonegames
withtheirbrightcolorsandfunnysoundscouldn’tchaseawaythelingeringnightmare.Ortheknowledgethat,even
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thoughtherecroomwasbrightandfamiliar,Iwasstillaloneinhere.Ican’texplainwhatIdid
next.Itwasstupidandself-destructiveandwrongonmany,manylevelsIdidn’tcaretothinkabout.ButIwaslonely,andIneededtotalktosomeone.Anyonewouldhavedone,really.Butthere
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wasonlyonepersonIknewmightbeawakeatoneinthemorningonaschoolnight.WhichjustsohappenedtobethefirstTuesdayinNovember.Well,IguesstechnicallyitwasWednesdaynow.Whatever.
So did your dad win theelection?
Ryderhadtextedafew
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timesinthepastcoupleofdays,butI’deithernotrespondedorjustrepliedwithemojisthatmadenosenseinthecontextofhiscommentorquestion.Andwhenhesentbackaquestionmark,Ididn’treply.Howwasthatforflaky?Honestly,itwasprobablyprettygoodprogressonthemake-him-think-Amy-
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was-a-weirdofront,buthereIwas.Messingitallupagain.JustasI’dexpected,hewas
awake,anditonlytookhimasecondtotextmeback.
He did. Unfortunately.
Not so unfortunate forhis constituents, though.I looked him up. Heseems to be doing some
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good things.
Sure. When he’s notdoing the model.
BeforeIcouldrespond,Rydersentanothermessage.
He still wants me tocome visit forThanksgiving.
Will you?
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Of course not.
But don’t you want tovisit DC? I know youmiss it.
I don’t think I doanymore. I’m pretty sickof DC.
Ifrowned.Iknewthingswerebadwithhisdad,butthiswasasharpturnaround
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fortheguywho’dcomparedeverylittledetailofHamiltontotheinfinitelysuperiorWashington,DC,sincehe’darrived.But,thinkingaboutit,IhadseenfarfewersnarkyFacebookstatusessincehe’dlearnedthetruthabouthisdad.Still,DCwashishome.Itwaswherehe’dgrownup.Itwaswherehisoldfriends
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were,eveniftheyhaddriftedapartsome.Iwouldhaveexpectedhimtotakeanyopportunitytovisit,evenifforonlyadayortwo.Hedidn’tseemeagertotalk
aboutthat,though,becausehesentanothermessagestraightaway.
I know it’s only been aweek, but I’ve missed
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these late-night chats.
Yeah. Me, too. I’ve beenkeeping my insomniamostly at bay. But Icouldn’t sleep tonight.Nightmare.
What about?
It wouldn’t make anysense if I explained it.
Try me.
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Ialmostdidn’treply.Ialmostendedtheconversationrightthere.Ishouldhave.I’dnevertoldanyoneabout
mynightmare.NotevenAmy.I’dcalledherinthemiddleofthenightafewtimes,panickedanddesperatetohearsomeone’svoice,butI’dalwaysglossedoverwhat
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thedreamwasabout.I’djustsaysomethinglike,“Somethingbadhappenedtomymom”or“Iwastrappedinadarkhouse.”Ineverwentintodetails.Ididn’twanttoopenthatdoor.Toexposethatdark,brokenplaceinsideofmewhereallthebadthingslived.Butforsomereason,I
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wantedtotellRyder.Maybebecause—andyes,Iknewthiswassick—hewouldn’tknowitwasme.Therewassecurityinknowinghe’dthinkitwasAmy’snightmare.Amy’sdark,brokenplace.Iwasstillfreakedoutand
didn’twanttocutoffthecontactwithanotherperson
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justyet,soIfoundmyselfwritingoutthedream,takingupseverallongtextstodoso.WhenIhitSENDonthelastone,theonethatexplainedmymother’sbedroom,Ifeltapangofregret.Toomuch,Ithought.Toohonest.Tooclose.Ididn’tthinkhe’dreply.
Maybethiswouldhelphim
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getoverAmyonceandforall.Butthen:
Things really are badwith your mom, aren’tthey?
Yeah.
I’m sorry about thenightmare. But they sayif you talk about it, you
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won’t dream it again.
Does that count withtexting?
I guess you’ll find out.
Ismiled.Actually,Ididfeelalittlebetterhavingitoffmychest.Theshakinghadstoppedandmyheartbeathadsloweddown.Imightevenmanagetofallbacktosleepif
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Itriedto.Butrightnow,forbetteror
worse(definitelyworse),Iwantedtokeeptalkingtohim.
Thanks for letting meshare.
Of course. I just wish Iwas there with you.
Ifeltamischievoussmile
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tuggingatmylipsasItypedmyresponse.
Oh, yeah? Why? Whatwould you do if youwere here?
Foraminute,hedidn’trespond,andIwasworriedImighthavescaredhimoff.Ishould’veknownbetter,though.Attheendoftheday,hewasstillaguy.
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Are we really doing this?
Do you WANT to dothis?
I do, but I have no ideahow. I’ve never done itbefore.
You never sent sexytexts to Eugenia?
No. Have you?
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No, I have never sextedwith Eugenia.
You’re hilarious.
I know.
Pause.
If I were there, I wouldlie on the bed next toyou and pull you into myarms.
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I’m actually on a couchright now.
Are you TRYING tomake this difficult forme?
No. Sorry. Continue.
Then I would … kissyour neck?
Isnorted.
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You seem unsure aboutthat.
You make me nervous.I’d be nervous if I werethere with you.
Ifeltmyheartpoundharder.Therewassomethingsosweetabouthimsayingthat.Aboutthesnobby,confidentRyderadmittinghe’dbenervousifwewerealone
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together.
I’d be nervous, too.
Here’sanothertruth:Iwasavirgin.Notonlythat,butinseventeenyears,I’donlybeenkissedonetime,byDavyJenningsattheninth-gradehomecomingdance.Hisbreathtastedlikerootbeerandithadbeenenoughtokillourfledglingromance.
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MostofwhatIknewaboutsexcamefromcopiousamountsoftelevision,unintentionallyhilariousCosmoarticles,andmyinterrogationofAmy,whohadswipedherV-cardatsummercamplastyear.That’ssomethingIdoubted
anyonewouldexpect.Thatoutofthetwoofus,Iwasthe
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virginwithvirtuallynosexualexperiencewhilegoody-goodyAmywasnot.Butrightnow,tryingto
thinkofthingstosaytoRyder,IfoundmyselfwishingIhadmoreexperiencetopullfrom.Hewasright.Thiswasdifficult.
It’s your turn.
BRB. Googling how to
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do this.
LOL! So you give me ahard time, but you don’tknow what you’re doingeither.
OK, some of thesesexting examples arehilarious. So that was nohelp.
We don’t have to do this
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if you don’t want to.
No. Now I amdetermined to type atleast one sexy thing,damn it.
Itookadeepbreathandclosedmyeyes.Ihadtobeoverthinkingthis.Iwenttomyimagination,whereRyderwaslyingnexttome.Wherehe’djustnervouslykissedmy
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neck.Whatnext?Itriedtoletthesceneplayout.
I’d slide my hand downyour chest. Slowly.
Idon’tknowwhy,butIfeltlikeeverythingsoundedalittlesexierwhenyouaddedslowly.Iheldmybreath,myface
scorchingred,asIwaitedforRydertorespond.
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I’d reach for the hem ofyour nightgown …
Nightgown? You think Isleep in a nightgown?What century is this?
I don’t know what girlssleep in.
Well, right now I’m injust a baggy T-shirt andunderwear.
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Wow. That’s actuallyhotter than a nightgown.
Wewentonlikethisforaboutanhour,fumblingourwaythroughtextsthatwereusuallymoreawkwardandfunnythanseductive.ButIwasleftgigglingandfeelingflutterynonetheless.
We’ll get better at thiseventually.
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Itwasn’tuntilIreadthatmessagefromRyder,though,thatthedirtyfeelingbegantosinkin.Notfun,I’ve-been-sending-sexy-textsdirtyeither.Thegross,I-need-a-showerdirtythatcamewithsuddenlyrememberingthatallthosemessages,allthosethingshe’dimaginedusdoing,hadbeenforAmy.
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Everyvirtualkissandtouch,he’dimagineddoingtomybestfriend.He’dpicturedherhands,herlong,thinbody.Herdark,curlyhair.Herface.Herlips.Andhethoughtwe’dget
betteratit.Thatwe’ddoitagain.IthoughtIwasgoingtobe
sick.
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Ididn’twritebackafterthat.Ididn’tsaygood-byeorgoodnight.Instead,Iwentthroughanddeletedeverysingletextwe’dsentoverthepasthour,knowingAmywouldkillme(andhaveeveryrightto)ifshesawthosemessages.WhenIcreptbackinto
Amy’sroom,shewasstillsnoring.Icrawledovertomy
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sideofthebedandpulledthecoversovermyhead,wishingIcouldhidefromtheguiltandtheshameofwhatI’djustdone.
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TheArdmoreshadneverbeenbigonThanksgiving.Oranyholidaythatinvolvedgathering,really.Mydadwasn’tclosetohis
parents.I’donlymetthemonce,whenIwasfive,andnowallIknewaboutthem
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wasthattheylivedinFloridasomewhere.MymaternalgrandmotherhadpassedawayafewmonthsafterIwasborn,andmygrandfatherhaddiedwhenIwasnine.Hemighthavelefthishousetohisonlychild,mymom,butbeforethat,he’dbeenthecold,unfriendlysort.Momneversawthepointof
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makingafussoveradinnerforthreepeople,andaftermydadwasarrested,Iguessitseemedevenmorepointless.TheRushes,ontheother
hand,lovedThanksgiving.Therewereafewyearsa
whilebackwhereAmy’sparentsweren’thomemuch.Theyjettedfromonebusinesstriptoanother,andAmy
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spentmostofthetimeathergrandmother’s.Buteventhen,whenthefamilyseemedtobedriftingapart,Mr.andMrs.RushalwayscamehomeforThanksgiving.Theymadeabigdealoutofit:ahugeturkey,thebeststuffingyou’devertasted,andenoughsidedishestofeedanarmyofhungrysoldiers.Theyalso
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invitedeveryonetheyknew:theirextendedfamily,theirfriends,theirkids’friends.WhichmeantIgottobeapartoftheannualfeast.Itwasalwaysahighlightofmyyear,anditwasalwayshardtogohome,fullandhappy,toadark,quiethouse.Thisyearwasdifferent,
though.ThisyearIwasable
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toexperiencetheThanksgivingfestivitiesfromthetimeIwokeupinthemorninguntilIwenttobedthatnight.Iwasincrediblyexcited
aboutthis,andevenMrs.Rush’srequesttoinvitemymomcouldn’tbringmedown.“Therewillbemorethan
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enoughfood.Iknowthingsareroughwithyoutworightnow,butshe’salwaysinvitedtoThanksgivingdinnerandwe’dbeheretoserveasabuffer.Itmightbegoodforbothofyou,”Mrs.RushsaidasIhelpedhercleanthehousethatmorning.“I’llsee,”Isaid.“ButI
thinkshe’llprobablyhaveto
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worktoday.Youknowhowretailisthesedays….”Mrs.Rushshookherhead.
“ForcingpeopletoworkonThanksgivingisjustterrible.”Inodded,relievedwhen
therewerenofollow-upquestions.Afterthat,thedaywas
fabulous.Goodfood,lotsofpeople,theMacy’s
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ThanksgivingDayParadeoninthebackground.TheRushescelebratedThanksgivingallday.Andintothenextmorning,
too.BecausetheRushesnotonly
lovedThanksgiving,theyalsolovedBlackFriday.“Idon’tunderstand,”Itold
Amyaswestoodonthe
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sidewalkoutsideofTechPlus,anelectronicsstore(theonlynon-grocerystoreinHamilton)atfoura.m.IhadtoworkatthebookstorelaterthatafternoonandknewIwasgonnaregretbeingupthisearly.“You’reloaded.Isn’tBlackFridaymeantforpoorpeoplelikeme?Soyouallcanwatchusfighttothe
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death,HungerGamesstyle,overahalf-priceiPod?”“We’renotloaded,”Amy
said.“Excuseme.Whatkindof
cardoyoudrive?”“ALexus.”“Andyourbrother?”Shesighed.“APorsche.”“Irestmycase.”Sheshrugged.“Iguessmy
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parentslikedeals.”Atthatmoment,Mr.and
Mrs.RushwereinOakHill,waitingoutsidethemalltodosomehardcoreChristmasshopping.AsmuchasIhatedbeingawakebeforeseven(okay,let’sbereal,IhatedbeingupbeforenoonifIcouldhelpit),Icouldn’tcomplainmuch.AmyandI
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didhavetheeasiestoftheBlackFridaytasks.Wejusthadtorunin,grabthenewestvideogameconsole,andgetout.“YourbrotherbetterknowI
wasapartofthisgift,”Itoldher.“Imaynotbecontributingfinancially,butitisatestamenttomyaffectionforhimthatIgotmyassout
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ofbedforthis.”“AndhereIthoughtitwas
soIwouldn’tbefightingthecrowdsalone,”Amysaid.“Nah.WhywouldIeverdo
anythingforyou?”Shegiggled,thenletouta
hugeyawn.“Whattimedoesthestoreopenagain?”“Five.”Shewhimpered.
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“Iknow,”Isaid,pattingherontheback.“It’scrueltohavesalesstartsoearlyrightaftereveryone’sloadedthemselveswithsleepyturkeychemicals.”Tomakemattersworse,it
wasalsocold.Wewerebundledupinoursweatersandcoats,buttheydidn’tdomuchtodeflectthe
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occasionalgustofwindthatblewintoourfaces.TheamazingpartaboutthiswasthatAmy’shairstilllookedflawless.Foura.m.,coldandwindymorning,andshestilllookedlikeamodelwithaclassy,curlyupdo.Iwasn’ttheonlyonewho
noticedeither.“OhmyGod.Youhaveto
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tellmehowyoudidthat.”AmyandIbothturned
whenweheardthevoicebehindus.Therewasagirlthere,drinkingStarbucks.Shecouldn’thavebeenmucholderthanus,andshelookedalittlefamiliar.ProbablyaHamiltonHighgrad.Shewaswearingsomeamazingblackbootsovermulticolored
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leggingsthatIonlywishedIcouldpulloff.“Sorry?”Amysaid.“Yourhair,”thegirlsaid.
“Youhavetotellmehowyoudidthat.”ItwasonlythenthatI
noticedherowncurls.Browncorkscrews,eventighterthanmineorAmy’s.Theywerealittlefrizzybecauseofthe
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wind,buttheystilllookedtentimesbetterthanmine.Damnit.“Oh,”Amysaid,pattingher
hairself-consciously.“It’sreallyeasy.Youjustneedahairtieandafewbobbypins.”“Andby‘easy,’shemeans
impossibleforuscommoners,”Isaid.
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“Right?”Thegirllaughed.“Bobbypinsandhairtiesjustleavemewitharat’snestontopofmyhead.”“It’sreallynotthathard.
Youjust—”“Chloe!”Twomorepeoplewere
comingourway:agirlwithstraightblackhairandacuteboyIrecognizedasCash
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Sterling,aformerplayerontheHamiltonHighsoccerteam.(SoccerwastheonlysportIkeptupwith.Mostlybecauseitwasanexcusetostareatboyswithreallynicelegs.)“Sorrywe’relate,”Cash
saidtothecurly-hairedgirl,Chloe.“You’renot.Thestore
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hasn’topenedyet.”“Iknow,”Cashsaid.“But
accordingtoLissa,weweresupposedtobeherebyfour.SoIwastoldtoapologizeformakingherlate.”Lissa,meanwhile,wastoo
busydigginginherpursetoarguewithCash.“Ihaveamap,”shesaid.“Idrewitlastnight.Ifiguredoutthebest
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routetogetbacktotheTVswhenthedoorsopen.”“OhdearGod,”Chloe
moaned.“Wehavetodothis?”“IfIhavetodoBlack
Friday,”Lissasaid,“I’mdoingitefficiently.”Shesighed.“WhydoesmystupidbrotherwantaTVforaweddingpresent?Why
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couldn’thejustaskforablenderlikeeveryoneelse?”“He’sgonnaneedaTVto
drownJennaout,”Cashsaid.“Istillcan’tbelievethey’regettingmarried.”“Ijustcan’tbelievehe’s
gettingmarriedbeforeIhadachancetohookupwithhim.”“Ew,Chloe.Ican’tdeal
withyoulustingaftermy
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brotherrightnow.I’malreadyfreakingoutoverthecrowdhere.Ugh.It’sgonnabeawfulinthere.Here.Let’sstudythemap.”AmyandIglancedateach
other,thenturnedaround,clearlynolongerapartofthisconversation.“Weshould’vemadea
map,”Amywhispered.
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“Idon’tthinkwe’reneuroticenoughforthat,”Iwhisperedback.Theminuteslurchedbyas
thelinegotlongerandlongeronthesidewalkbehindus.Therewasnodoubtaboutit—whenthosedoorsopened,wewereinforafreakingstampede.“Ready?”Amyaskedwhen
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therewasonlyaminutetogo.“WhydoIfeellikeI’m
abouttogotowar?”Iasked.Butshedidn’thavetimeto
answerbecauserightthenthefrontdoorsofTechPlusswungopen.Andeveryonecharged
forward.Iran,trippingovermyown
feetinordertoavoidbeing
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trampled.Withmyrelativelyshortlegs,thiswasnoteasy.Butafteralotofpushingandshovingandcursingatcompletestrangers,Imadeitinsidethedoors.Itwasstillamadhouse,butpeoplespreadout,runningfortheitemsthey’dcometobuy.“Okay,wherearethegame
consoles,Amy?”
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ButwhenIturnedtolookather,Amywasn’tthere.Shewasn’tanywherenearme.“Shit,”Imuttered,realizing
toolatethatwe’dbeenseparatedbythecrowd.Findingherinthischaos,especiallywhenIwasn’tallthatfamiliarwiththelayoutofTechPlus,wasgoingtobeimpossible.
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Maybepackingamapwasn’tasneuroticasI’dthought.Iwovemywaythroughthe
crowd,hopingtospotatall,curlyheadsomewhere.Afewtimes,IpoppeduponmytiptoessoIcouldlookovertheheadsofthepeoplearoundme.Unfortunately,withmyneckcranedandmy
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balancecompromised,IendedupfallingflatonmyassinfrontofaniPoddisplay.“I’msosorry.Areyou
okay?”Ilookedupattheperson
who’djustslammedintomeandwasmetwithtwoverysurprisedgreeneyes.“Sonny,”Rydersaid.“I
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didn’trecognizeyou.”“I’msureIlookdifferent
fromthisangle,”Isaid.“Helpagirlup?”“Sorry.”Hetookmyhand
andpulledmetomyfeet.Iwantedtorelishthatmomentofhavinghishandinmine,butitwasoversofastIbarelygottoenjoyit.“Areyouallright?”
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“I’mfine.Justsurprisedtofindyouhere.”Lie.ConfessionTime:Ryder,
notAmyorWesley,wasthereasonIwasatTechPlusthatmorning.Ithadbeenacoupleof
weekssinceourlittletextingtryst(whichstillmademefeelickywhenIthought
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aboutit)andRyderhadbeensendingmessagesalmosteverydaysince.I’dignoredmostofthem,knowingthatrespondingwascounterproductive.Thatlastconversationhad,apparently,givenhimtheconfidencetoapproachAmyinpersonagain.Luckily,IwaswithAmyprettymuchanytime
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shewasn’tinclass,whichmeantIwasabletoshutdowntheconversationandhurryherawaybeforeshefoundoutaboutthetexting.IknewIshouldn’trisk
givinghimmoreencouragementtopursueAmy,nomatterhowtempingitwastoreplytohismessages.Weweremaking
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someprogressinperson,butnotasquicklyasI’dhoped,andtextingwastheonlywayIreallygottotalktohim.I’dbeenholdingontomy
lastshredofwillpower,fightingmyself-destructiveurges,butThanksgivingbreakmeantnotevenseeinghimatschool,andwhenhesentatextaboutneedinga
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newiPod,Icouldn’thelpsuggestinghegotoTechPlusonBlackFriday.IknewAmywouldbegoing,anditwouldmakeperfectsenseformetojoinher.SohereIwas,inthemiddle
ofBlackFridaymadness,allsoIcouldrunintoaguywhodidn’tevenknowhelikedme.
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“I’msurprisedtofindmehere,too,”headmitted.“ButmyiPodbrokeandAmysaidthisplacewouldhavethemonsale,so…Hey,ifyou’rehere,isshe?”“Um,yeah.Somewhere.
I’velosther.”AndIsortofhopedshe
stayedlost.AtleastuntilRyderandIhadhadafew
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minutestogether.Notthatthiswasthemost
romanticsetting,butI’dtakewhatIcouldget.“Oh.Doyouthinkwe
shouldgolookforher?”“No,no.Shehadsome
shoppingtodo.I’msureI’llfindhersoon.”Iclearedmythroat.“So.AnewiPod?Whatsortofmusicdoyou
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listento?”“IfItoldyou,you’d
probablycallmeapretentioushipster.”“Yeah…probably.ButI
alreadydothat.”Helaughed.“Atleastyou’re
honest.”NotsomethingIheard
often.“Soindiestuffnooneelse
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hasheardof,then?LikeGoatsVoteforMelons,maybe?”Ryder’seyeswidened,
shocked.“YouknowGoatsVoteforMelons?”“I’veheardasongortwo.”I’dcheckedoutsomeof
theirstuffafterRyderhadravedaboutthem.Asexpected,itwaspretty
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terribleforthemostpart.Allacoustic,nocatchyhook.Yes,Iwaspartofthemasses.Iadmitit.Ilovedbadpopmusic,especiallyifitwasreleasedinthenineties,andgrunge,ofcourse,butthatwasawesome.GVMjustwentwayovermyhead.Theydidhaveonedecent
lovesong,though,
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inexplicablytitled“OfLionsandRobots,”whichI’dbeenlisteningtoalotlately.“Well,I’malsotryingto
broadenmymusicalhorizons.”“Oh,yeah?”Henodded.“I’vebeen
exploringsomeothergenres.Kindofgettingintoninetiesgrunge,actually.”
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Thegrinthatsplitmyfacewasalmostpainful.Grunge!Hewasbroadeninghismusicalhorizonsbecauseofme!Iwantedtosqueal.Tohughim.Andthentomakeoutwithhim,righthere,inthemiddleofthiscrowdedelectronicsstore.ButIcouldn’t.Because,inRyder’smind,
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wewerelittlemorethanacquaintances.SometimesIhadtoremind
myselfofthat.“Grungeisgreat,”Isaid.
“Whatalbumshaveyoutried?Anythingyoureallylike?”Heopenedhismouthto
respond,buthisanswerwasdrownedoutbyanother
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voice.“Sonny!”Igroaned,andthenfelt
awfulforit.Amyhadfoundus.Shewas
comingupbehindme,aboxtuckedunderherarm.“Thereyouare,”shesaid.“I’msosorrywegotseparated.Ididn’tmeantoloseyou.Ilooked—”Shestopped
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midsentencewhenshenoticedRyder.“Oh.Hi.”“Hey,Amy,”hesaid,his
facetotallylightingup.AndnowIwantedtoshake
him.Evenifhiscontinuing
affectionforherwassortofmyfault.“Youplayvideogames?”he
asked,gesturingtothebox
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underherarm.“Huh?Oh.No.Thisisfor
mybrother.”“Hey,speakingof
shopping,”Isaid,myvoicelouderthanI’dintended.“YoushouldprobablygetthatiPod,Ryder.Youdon’twantthemalltobetaken.”“Goodpoint.I’llberight
back.”
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Hewalkedafewfeetaway,disappearingintoacrowdofdesperatepeopleclamberingtogettheirhandsonAppleproducts.IgrabbedAmy’sarm.
“Whenhecomesback,dosomething.”“Somethinglikewhat?”“Idon’tknow.Something
weird.Somethinghewon’t
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like.”“Sonny,youknowI’mbad
atthis.”“You’renot.You’dbea
greatactressifyoutried.”“ButIdon’thaveascript
here,”shepointedout.“Idon’tknowwhattodo.Idon’tknowhowtobeweird.”“You’retheonlyteenager
withthatproblem.”Iglanced
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around,searchingforinspiration,andfounditstandingafewfeetaway.Therewasaguy—blond,earlytwenties,builtlikeaKendoll—ontheothersideoftheaisle.AndhewastotallytryingtocatchAmy’seye.“Perfect,”Isaid.“What?”Ijerkedmyheadtowardthe
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stranger.“Him.”“Whatabouthim?”“WhenRydercomesback,
goflirtwithhim.RightinfrontofRyder,”Iwhispered.“It’llmakehimthinkyou’resuperflakyandkindofmean.”“Sonny,Idon’twanttodo
that,”Amywhisperedback.“That’stoomuch.It’scruel
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toRyderandtothatguy.”“Please.You’llbemaking
theotherguy’sday.Plus,he’scute.Soitcouldbeworse.”“But—”“Herehecomes.Getready.”“Idon’t—”“GottheiPod,”Ryder
announcedashemovedtowardus.“Someguywithamullettriedtotakeitrightout
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ofmyhands,butImanagedtoholdontoit.”“Gladyousurvived,”Isaid.“Me,too.”Heglancedover
atAmy,asifwaitingforhertosaysomething.AndIelbowedher.Hard.Sheletoutatinysqueak.“I,
um…”Shelookedatme,hereyesdesperate.Go,Ithought,staringback
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ather.Justdoitalready.AmyturnedtoRyder,a
forcedsmileonherprettypinklips.“Justasecond,”shesaid.ThenshewalkedovertotheKendoll,whowascheckingoutsometabletsnow,justdowntheaisle.HisfacebrightenedwhenhesawAmyapproaching.Andeventhoughhergreetingof“Hey
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…you”wassuperawkward,hedidn’tstopsmiling.“Hi,”KenDollsaid.Therestoftheir
conversationwasdrownedoutbyapackofwomennearby,shoutingataTechPlusemployeeaboutaguywhohadtakenoneoftheiritemsbeforetheycouldcheckout.Butwecouldstillsee
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whatwashappening.TheguyleanedtowardAmy;shegiggled,battedhisarm.Allthetypicalobviousflirtingmoves.Actually,itwasprobablymoreconvincingthisway,withAmy’sinevitablyembarrassingwordsonmute.“Doessheknowthatguy?”
Ryderasked,frowningas
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KenDolltookastepclosertoAmy.“No,”Isaid.“That’sjust
Amy.She’salwaysflirtingwithsomeone.”“Oh.”Webothwatchedthescene
foraminutelonger,thenRyder,facefallen,tookastepback.“Ishouldgopay,”hesaid.“I’mprettyexhausted.”
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EventhoughIknewthiswasinbothofourbestinterests,Ifeltbadforhim.HethoughthehadaconnectionwithAmy,andhereshewas,seeminglyapathetictothatandhittingonotherdudesrightinfrontofhim.Ithadtosting.Itwassupposedtosting.“Itwasnicerunninginto
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you,”Isaid.“Literally.”“Yeah.Sorryaboutthat.
Anyway…tellAmyIsaidgood-bye.”“Okay.”HegaveAmyonelast
glancebeforeturningaway,disappearingintothecrowd.Assoonashewasgone,I
ranovertoAmy,interruptingherconversationwiththeKen
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doll.“Hey,”Isaid.“He’sgone.
We’regood.”“Excuseme?”KenDoll
asked.“Hey.Sorry.She’s
seventeen,sothisisn’tgonnahappenforyou.Thanksforplaying.”IgrabbedAmy’sarmanddraggedheraway,towardthecheckoutcounter.
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ThoughImadesuretotakeadifferentroutethanRyderhadsoasnottoriskcrossingpaths.IfullyexpectedAmyto
scoldmeforhowI’dtalkedtoKenDoll.Topointouthowrudeitwas.Butshedidn’t.Shedidn’tsayanything.Infact,shewassilentthe
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restofthetimewewereinthestoreandthewholewaybacktoherhouse.Herparentsstillweren’t
homefromtheirownBlackFridayadventurebythetimewepulledintothedriveway.Amygrabbedtheconsoleandcarrieditintothehouse,metrailingbehindher.“Doyouwantmetohelp
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youwrapthat?”Iasked.“No.Icandoit,”she
mumbled.“Okay…Hey,thanksfor
yourhelp.Ithinkitmayhaveworked.Ryderseemedprettyupset.”“Ididn’twanttodothat,
Sonny,”Amysaid.Sheputthegameconsoledownonthecoffeetable.“Itwas
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awkwardandembarrassing.Andgross.YoumademeflirtwithaguyIdidn’tknowanddidn’tlike.”“Iknow,”Isaid.“I’msorry,
but—”“Idon’tthinkyoudo
know,”shesaid.Afterapause,sheshookherhead.“I’mtired.I’mgonnagotakeanap.”
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Shewentupstairstoherroom,andforonce,IhadthestrongsensethatIwasn’tsupposedtofollowher.Shejustneedsherspace,I
thought.Sheneedssometimetoherself,andit’llbefine.ButIknew,deepdown,that
itwasmorethanthat.That,withoutmerealizingit,I’dcrossedalinethatday.
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Andforthefirsttimeever,inoveradecadeofvisitingtheRushes’house,Ididn’tsleepinAmy’sbedroomwhenIgothomefromworkthatnight.Orthenightafterthat.
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ThenexttimeIranintoRyderoutsideofclasswasn’ttheresultofanyscheming—foronce.Thistime,onachillySaturdayinthebeginningofDecember,webothendedupattheHamiltonPublicLibraryby
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sheercoincidence.Iwaswalkingaroundthe
firstfloor,scanningtheshelves,whenafamiliarvoicecalledmyname.Ilookedupandsawhimsittingatoneofthewoodentablesinthecorner,alegalpadandahuge,leather-boundbookinfrontofhim.Hewaswearinggiantretro-styleheadphones.
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Whenheraisedahandtowavemeover,myheartbeganpoundingjustalittletoohard.“Hey,”Isaid,approaching
thedesk.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”“Research,”hesaid,tugging
hisheadphonesdownsotheyhungaroundhisneck.“Forthehistoryessay,actually.”
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Hetappedtheleather-boundbooknexttohim.“TakingsomenotesontheFrenchRevolution.”“Yayguillotines.”“Asentencethathasoft
beenuttered.”Ismiledandpickedupthe
book.Itwasmassiveandheavy.“Areyouactuallyreadingthiswholething?”I
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asked.“Youknow,theyhavethisnewinvention.It’scalledtheInternet.Itcontainsallofthisandmore—withoutthepapercuts.”“Papercutsarelikebattle
scarsfortheacademic,”hesaid,smilingback.“IguessI’moldschool.Iliketogetmyinformationfromarealbook,andItakemynotesby
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hand.”“I,ontheotherhand,am
bestfriendswithWikipedia.”“Youknowthatsiteis
woefullyinaccuratealotofthetime,right?Becauseanyonecanchangetheinformation.”“Yep.I’mthegirlchanging
theinformationtomakeitwoefullyinaccurate.”
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“Sohalfthehighschoolersaroundthecountryhaveyoutothankfortheirfailinggradesonresearchpapers.”“Yes,sir.I’mpracticallya
celebrity.Or,Iwouldbeifitwasn’tanonymous.”Helaughed,andeven
thoughtherewerestillbutterfliesinmystomach,Ifeltrelaxed.Thisfeltnatural.
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Itfeltlikeithadwhenwewereinstantmessagingallthoseweeksago.Likeitdidinourtextmessages,which,admittedly,I’dbeensendingagain.Ihadn’tsleptinAmy’s
roomsincetheBlackFridaydebacle,andthesilenceoftheguestroomhadcontributedtomyinsomnia.Andtomy
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recurringnightmare,whichI’dhadatleastthreetimesinthepasttwoweeks.WhenIwokeup,panickedandalone,itwaseasytotexthim.Toreachoutandknowsomeoneelsewouldanswer.IkepttellingmyselfIwould
stopsoon.Orthatitwasn’tactuallydetrimentalfortheplan—thatmaybe,
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somehow,itmadeAmyseemevenflakiertobetextinghimwhenshewassoweirdinperson.I’dtoldmyselfsomanylies,
Ididn’tevenknowwhattobelieveanymore.IjustknewthatIlikedhim.Alot.Andfinally,aftermorethan
amonthofinchingcloserandcloser,wewerehavingthat
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sameconnectionface-to-face.“Sowhatareyoudoing
here?”heasked.“Ifyou’resuchadenizenofthetwenty-firstcentury.”“Droppingoffsomebooks
forAmy,”Isaid.“MyonedayofffromthebookstorejobandIstillfindmyselfsurroundedbybooks.”“Isthatabadthing?”Ryder
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asked.“No.Justironic.Iactually
appliedforajobhere,too.Unfortunately,Iwasinformedthatthelasttimethelibrarianhiredteenagerstohelpher,theywerecaughtmakingoutbetweentheshelves…multipletimes.”“Interesting,”Rydersaid,
tappinghischinwiththeend
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ofhispen.“WhoknewtheHamiltonLibrarywassuchascandalousplace.”“Right?Ishouldhangout
heremoreoften.”Henodded,andthenwejust
staredateachotherforthislong,intensemoment.Atleast,Ithoughtitwasintense.Alittlevoiceinmyheadwassilentlycallingouttohim:
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Seeme.Figureoutthatit’sbeenmeallalong.Ofcourse,thatwouldbeadisaster.IthadbeenlongenoughthatanyhopeofRydernotbeingpissedthatI’dbeensortof,accidentally,andthendeliberatelycatfishinghimwasoutofthequestion.Ididn’twanthimtoknow
thatitwasmesendingall
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thosemessages.Ididwanthimtoknowthat
Iwasthegirlheshouldbewith.IfIhadn’tbeensabotaging
myselfwiththosetextmessages,maybehewouldhavebynow.“Hey,”hesaid,aftera
second.“Wouldyouwanttogetoutofhere?Goforawalk
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orsomething?”Ithoughtmybrainmightexplode.Hewantedtogosomewherewithme.Hewantedtotakeawalkwithme.TherewasnoAmy,noreasonweshouldtalkaboutschool.ItwasjustRyderaskingmetohangoutwithhim.Finally.
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“Yeah,”Isaid.“Sure.Let’sgo.”However,myexuberance
fadedprettymuchassoonaswesteppedoutintothecoldafternoonandRydersaid:“Iwashopingtotalktoyou
aboutAmy.”Fuck.Ofcourse.Whatwaswrongwiththis
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boy?Asfarashewasconcerned,AmyhadbeenleadinghimonforoveramonthwithIMsandtexts,onlytobeacompletelydifferentperson(literally)inreallife.Iknewitwaspartlymy
faultforkeepingupthecorrespondence,butcomeon.Wasthatreallyenoughto
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keephimclingingtotheideaofher?Theyhadn’tevenkissed.Hell,theyhadn’teventouched.“Amy.Right.”Ishovedmy
handsdeepintothepocketsofmyold,batteredcoat.“Whatabouther?”“It’sjust…I’mconfused.
Reallyconfused.”Hekickedatapebbleonthesidewalk,
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andIwatchedasitrolledawayfromus,wishingIcouldfollowit,awayfromthisconversation.“Doyouknowwhysheavoidsorignoresmewhenwe’reinthesameroom?”Ishrugged.“Thatsounds
likeaquestionforAmy.”“I’veasked,”hesaid.“A
thousandtimes.Inevergeta
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straightanswer.”Itwastrue.Eversinceour
firstboutoftextingbackatthestartofNovember,Ryderhadsentmultiplemessages,askingwhyI(read:Amy)didn’ttalktohiminperson.Whytheyhadn’tbeenonadateyet.WhythingsweresodifferentintextsandIMsthantheywereinreallife.
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Mostofthetime,Iignoredthesemessages.They’dcomemidconversation,andthey’dserveastheendofthecorrespondence.SometimesI’drespondwithsomethingvague—asimpleIdon’tknoworablatantlyuntrueIdon’tavoidyou!Iwashopingallthe
inconsistencieswouldscare
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himawayfromAmy.Buthejustkepttrying,in
reallifeandviatextmessage.“You’reherbestfriend,”he
said.“Ifiguredifanyonewouldknowwhat’sgoingonwithher,youwould.AndsinceyouandIarefriendsnow….”Friends.Hethoughtwewerefriends.
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Asmileflutteredontomylips,andIhadtohurrytohideit.Atleastithadn’tallbeeninvain.“Doyouhaveanyideawhy
she’davoidme?”heasked.“Doesshe…doessheevenlikeme?No.No,Iknowshedoes.Ofcourseshedoes.It’sjustthatwhenwe’retogether,she’sso…different.”
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“Idon’tknow,”Isaid.“Sheseemsprettynormaltome.”“Shedoesn’tactlikethe
AmyIknow.”“Thenmaybeyoudon’t
knowherthatwell.”“Ido,though,”heinsisted.
“OrIthinkIdo.Whenwe’retextingortalkingonline,she’sso…She’sgreat.She’sfunnyandsmartandit’sso
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easytotalktoher.ThevirtualAmyisincredible.”Igotallshiverywhenhe
saidthat,andnotjustbecauseitwascold.“IjustwishtheAmyIsaw
inreallifewasmorelikethat.”Myhandsballedintofistsin
mypockets.Iwantedtotellhim.Iwantedtocomeclean
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sobad.Thatpersonhethoughtwas“incredible,”thepersonhe’dfallenfor,wasstandingrighthere.InsteadIsaid,“I’msorry,
Ryder.Idon’tknowwhattotellyou.”“Whyareyoufriendswith
her?”heasked.Iwastakenaback.“Excuse
me?”
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“Whyareyoufriendswithher?WhatdoyoulikeaboutAmy?”“Well…”Iprobablyshould
havesaidsomethingvague.Orsomethingshallow.Somethingtoreinforcethisimageoftheflaky,bizarreAmyhecouldn’tfigureout.Butthis,Amy,wasonethingIcouldn’tlieabout.“She’s
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generous,foronething.She’ddoanythingforthepeopleshecaresabout.Hell,she’slettingmelivewithherrightnow.She’salwaysbeentherewhenIneededher.”Henodded.“Whatelse?”“Shebalancesmeout.I’m
theloud,dramaticoneandshe’sthequiet,practicalone.She’smyotherhalf,inalot
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ofways.Peopletalkaboutsoulmatesinaromanticway,butIthinkifsoulmatesdoexist,Amywouldbemine.IthinkI’dbelostwithouther.”Ihadtoshakeoffapangof
guilt.SinceThanksgivingbreak,I’dbeentellingmyselfthingswerefinebetweenus.Mesleepingintheguestroomwasjustanatural
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progression.Wecouldn’tsleepinthesameroomforever,afterall.Amydidn’tactmadatme.Shewasstillsweetandgigglyandwestillhungout.Butsomethingwasdifferent.“Ilikethewayyoudescribe
her,”Rydersaid.“Whydoesn’tsheshowthatsidewhenshe’saroundme?”
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Ididn’tanswer.Therewereonlysomanytimesyoucouldsay“Idon’tknow.”“Doyouthinkithas
somethingtodowithhermom?”“What?”“She’stoldmealittleabout
hermom.”Ittookmeaminuteto
understandwhathewas
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talkingabout.Mrs.Rushwasamazing—whatwouldAmy’sweirdnesshavetodowithher?ButthenIremembered.I’dtalkedtohimaboutmymom.Great.AnothersubjectI’drathernotdiscuss.“Oh.Yeah.Hermom.”“Shesaidoncethatshe
thinkshermommightregret
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evenhavingher,”Rydersaid.“Yeah,”Isaid.“Amy’s
momis…Well,she’sinteresting.Complicated.Thatrelationshiphasdefinitelyscrewedherupinalotofways.”“Iknowhowshefeels,”he
said.Ishookmyhead.“Idon’t
thinkyoudo.”Seeingan
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openingtochangethesubject,though,Iadded,“But,hey,congratsonyourdadwinningtheelection.”“Thanks,”hesaid,voice
flat.“It’sofficial:Myparentsaregettingadivorce.”Thatseemedlikeagood
thingtome.Atleastthingswerebeingdecided.ButIcouldn’tsaythatbecauseI
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wasn’tsupposedtoknowthebackstory.SoinsteadIreplied,“Ithoughttheywerealreadydivorced?”Rydershookhishead.“My
dad’sbeenholdingout.Asshole.He’sstillwaitingafewmonthssoitdoesn’tlooklikehewasjustwaitinguntilhegotelected.Eventhoughthat’spreciselywhathewas
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doing.”“Thatsucks,”Isaid.“God.He’ssuchacliché.
Cheatingonmymomwithsomeyoungmodel,”Rydersaidbitterly.“Thenasshittyasitis,
maybethedivorceisforthebest.”“He’sstilladick.AndI’m
donetalkingtohim.”
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GuessRyderandhisdadhadn’tresolvedtheirissuesyet.Wewerepassingthe
elementaryschool,andwithoutevensayingaword,webothstartedwalkingtowardtheemptyplayground.“Whatdoesyourmomhave
tosayaboutthat?Aboutyounottalkingtohim?”
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“Idon’treallytalktoheraboutDad,”headmitted.“Shegetsupsetaboutit.Mad,even.Ican’tblameher.She’sagreatperson,andhescrewedherover.”Iwantedtopointoutthat,
notlongago,Ryderwas(rightfully)upsetthatshe’ddraggedhimallthewaytoIllinoiswithoutevenasking
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howhefeltfirst.ButSonnywouldn’tknow
that;Amywould.SoIhadtobitemytongue.“Whataboutyou?”heasked
aswemadeourwaytowardtheswings.“What’syourfamilydrama?”Ishruggedandsatdownon
oneoftheswings.Theleatherwascold,eventhroughmy
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jeans.“It’sprettyboring.”“Thatseemsunlikely,”he
said,sittingontheswingbesidemine.“Youjustsaidyou’relivingwithAmy.Doesn’tsoundtooboringtome.Whereareyourparents?”I’dalreadyhadtomovethe
conversationawayfrommymother,andIwasn’teagertoreturntoit.Soinstead,I
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blurtedoutsomethingIhadn’ttalkedaboutinyears:“Mydad’sinprison.”“Oh.”Ryderlookedstartled,
andIcouldn’thelpbutnoticethewayhemovedawayfrommealittle.LikehesuddenlyrememberedthatIwasn’ttherich,beautifulgirlhewanted.Iwaspoorwhitetrash.Atleastbyhisstandards.
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But,tomysurprise,Rydershiftedagainonhisswing,hishandswrappedaroundthechains,andswiveledtofaceme.Andhedidn’tlookdisgustedatall.“Howlong?”“InandoutsinceIwas
seven.ButIhaven’tseenhimin…Idon’tevenrememberthelasttimeIsawhim.Mymomstoppedtakingmeto
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visitaftershedivorcedhim,whenIwasstillinelementaryschool.”“Doesheevertrytowriteto
you?”Ryderasked.“Orcall?”“No,”Isaid.“AlthoughI’ve
movedsincethelasttimeIsawhim.Mygranddaddiedandwemovedintohisoldhouse.Plus,Idon’thavethe
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samecellphonenumber.SoIguessIdon’treallyknow.Ijustassumedhehadn’tbecausemymomalwaystoldmewhatadeadbeathewas.Notthatshe’sthemostreliable…”Ishookmyhead,andbefore
hecouldaskaboutmymother,Istartedtalkingagain.
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“I’vethoughtabouthimsome.I’veconsideredwritinghimafewtimes,butIalwaystalkmyselfoutofit.”“Why?”Ryder’sgreeneyeswere
watchingme,gluedtome.Intent.Itsentashiverupmyspine.Andyet…itwaseasy.Tellinghimallthis.BeinghonestaboutsomethingI
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usuallywasn’t.“I’mscared.”Itwas
somethingI’dneversaidoutloud.“I’mscaredhe’llletmedown…orthathewon’twantme.AndIfiguremaybeit’seasierifIjustdon’tgivehimthechance.”“Sonny.”Hereachedout
andputahandonmyarm.Itwaslikeaboltofelectricity
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shotthroughme,startingwherehispalmtouchedmyarm.Maybehefeltit,too,becausehepulledbackandwrappedhishandaroundthechainagain.“Sorry,”hesaid.Iwasn’tsureifhewas
apologizingfortouchingmeorforeverythingI’dsaidaboutmyfather.“It’sokay,”Isaid,deciding
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I’dratherheapologizedforthelatter.“HeprobablyisthedeadbeatI’vealwaysimagined.ChancesareI’mbetteroff.”“Maybe.”Wesatontheswingsfora
while,nottalking.Andthatwasokay,too.AsmuchasIlikedtalking,ortyping,toRyder,itwaskindofniceto
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justsitwithhimandwatchasthesunbegantosetinthedistance.“Weshouldgetgoing,”he
saidafterawhile.“It’sabouttogetdark.”“Oh,yes,”Isaid.“Because
elementaryschoolplaygroundsareknowntobeahotbedofcrimeanddebaucheryaftersundown.”
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“Imeantbecauseit’sgoingtogetevencolder,smart-ass.”Hestoodupandofferedmehishand.Itookitandhepulledmetomyfeet.Ourfingersstayedlockedtogetherforjustaninstantlongerthantheyshouldhave,andwhenheletgo,myhandfelttoocold.Ishovedbothhandsinmy
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pocketsandfollowedRydertowardthesidewalk.Wewalkedbacktothe
libraryinsilence,ourshouldersbrushinglightlyagainsteachother.“Thisisme,”Isaidwhen
wereachedGert.Islappedtheoldclunkeronherhood.“Sweetride,huh?”“Isitgoingtostart?”Ryder
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asked,raisinganeyebrow.“Isn’tthatthemillion-dollar
question.”Ipulledmykeysfrommypurseandunlockedthedriver’ssidedoor.“Itwasnicehangingoutwithyoutoday,Ryder.”“You,too.”Iexpectedhimtowalk
away,butwhenhedidn’t,Ilookedathimagain.
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“Youshouldwritetoyourdad,”hesaid.Ifrownedathim.“Why?I
toldyou,he’sprobablythedeadbeatlosermymomalwaystoldmehewas.”“Buthemightnotbe,”
Rydersaid.“It’sbeenyears,yousaidityourself.Andifyou’vebeenthinkingabouthimanyway…Maybeit’s
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worthashot.”“But…butwhatifhe
doesn’tcareaboutme?”Myvoicetrembledalittleonthelastwords.“Whatifheletsmedown?”“Youwon’tknowunless
youtry,”hesaid.“Ifthere’sonethingI’velearnedsincemovinghere,it’sthatsometimespeoplesurprise
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you,ifyouletthem.”Hewaslookingrightatme
whenhesaidthis,andthebutterfliesswarmedinmystomachonceagain.Hetookastepbackand
startedmovingtowardhiscar.“Seeyouatschool,Sonny.”Inodded,butIdidn’tgetin
thecar.Ijuststoodthere,in
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theDecembercold,andwatchedhimwalkaway.
***
Thatnight,aloneintheguestroom,Icouldn’tsleep.Ilaythere,replaying
everythingthathadhappenedwithRyder.Thewayhe’dsmiledatme.Thewayhe’dlookedatme,likeforoncehewasactuallyseeingme,not
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justhisdreamgirl’sannoyingbestfriend.But,mostly,Ikeptthinking
aboutwhathe’dsaidaboutmydad.Sometimespeoplesurpriseyou,ifyouletthem.Ihadn’tseenmydadin
years.Ihadn’tevenmentionedhimtoanyoneinyears.Notuntiltoday.ButI’d
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thoughtabouthim.Alot.Heusedtopushmeonthe
tireswinginourbackyardwhenIwaslittle.Heusedtobringhomebiggallonsofcookies-and-creamicecreambecauseitwasmyfavorite.Heusedtosay,“Quiet.You’llwakeupSonny,”whenMomraisedhervoiceduringafight,eventhough,
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mostofthetime,Iwasstillawake.Thenhegotarrestedforthe
firsttime.Andthenthesecond.Thefirsttimeitwasfor
boostingcars,butIonlyknewthatbecauseI’dheardsomepeopleintowntalkingaboutitwhenIwaslittle.“Isn’tthattheArdmoregirl?
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Youhearaboutherdad?Goddamnthief.”That’swhenIstartedlying,
tellingpeoplehewasaninternationalbusinessman,notaninmate.Ididn’tknowwhathe’d
beenchargedwiththesecondtime.Oranyofthetimesafterthat.AllIknewwasthatDadhadn’tspentmorethana
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coupleofweeksoutofjailsinceIwasseven.Momtookmetoseehim
everyweekuntilshedidn’tanymore.Hewasanasshole.Hewasadeadbeat.That’swhatshesaid.That’swhatIbelieved.Maybeitwastrue,and
maybeitwasn’t.Ryderhadmequestioningallofitnow.
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Mydearfriendinsomniawasn’tgoinganywhere,soIpeeledmyselfoffthebedandheadeddownstairs.Mr.Rushkeptanofficeonthefirstfloor,butAmyandIwerewelcometouseitifweneededthedesktop.AndsinceIwasn’tsurehowwelcomeIwastoAmy’slaptopthesedays,itseemed
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likeamoresuitableoption.Itwas1:12a.m.whenI
openeduptheWorddocument.Anditwas1:36a.m.beforeImanagedtotypethefirstword.Itwasashortnote.Butit
feltlikepullingteeth.Eachwordwasscaryandraw.Eachwordmademevulnerable.Whatifitwas
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easiertojustleavehimoutofmylifethantoreachoutandhavehimhurtme?Ichokedbackallthefears
asmycursorhoveredoverthePRINTbutton.Iswallowedonce,twice,closedmyeyes,andclicked.BeforeIcouldchangemy
mind,IfoundanenvelopeinMr.Rush’sdesk.Ishovedthe
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letterinside,scribbledthetoandfromaddresses,andsmackedonastamp.I’daskMr.andMrs.Rushpermissiontogivetheirhomenumbertomorrowmorning.Iftheysaidno,Iwouldn’tsendit.Butiftheysaiditwasokay,
Ididn’twantanyexcusenottodroptheletterinthemail.
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Iputtheenvelopeonthebreakfasttable,whereIwouldn’tbeabletohidefromitcomemorning,thenIranbackupstairs,buriedmyfaceinmypillows,andspenttherestofthenightpanicking.
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IhadhopesofsleepinginonthefirstdayofChristmasbreak.Therewasnoschoolandmybookstoreshiftdidn’tstartuntiltheafternoon.Amy,however,hadother
plans.Theguestroomdoorburst
openateight-thirtythat
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morning.“Theygothereearly!”shesquealedasshedashedpastmybedtothewindow,whichlookedoutontotheRushes’driveway.“Mmmm,”Igroaned,butI
forcedmyselftositup.Amyhadn’tbeenthisexcitedaboutsomethinginawhile,especiallynotsincetheawkwardflirtingincidenta
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fewweeksago.“Who’shereearly?”“WesleyandBianca!”She
hoppedupanddownasshewatchedacarpullupoutside.Sheturnedandmadeadashforthedoor.“Comeon!”Idraggedmyselfoutofbed
andfollowedherdownstairs.Veryfewthingsinlifegot
Amythisanimated.Infact,
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onlythreethings:puppies,privateShakespearerecitations,andWesley.Myfeethadjusttouchedthe
bottomstepwhenthefrontdooropenedandapackofRushes,plusone,spilledin,alongwithaburstofcoldDecemberwind.AmyshriekedandthrewherselfatthetallestRush,whogreeted
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herwithopenarms.WhenAmydetachedherself
fromherbrother,sheturnedandrepeatedtheperformancewiththeshorter,auburn-hairedgirlathisside.“Hey,Amy,”Biancasaid,
pattingherawkwardlyontheshoulder.“It’sgoodtoseeyou,too.”Atfirstglance,Bianca
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didn’tfitinwiththeRushfamily.ShewasagoodhalffootshorterthanevenMrs.Rush,whowasthesmallestmemberofthefamily.Sheworetatteredjeans,T-shirts,andfadedredConverse,wheretheyworepolished,expensiveclothesmostpeopleinthistowncouldn’tafford.
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Atfirstglance,Biancaseemed…morelikeme.Butifyoulookedcloser,at
thewaytheywelcomedher,atthewayWesleylookedather,itmadeperfectsense.Biancawassmartandfunnyand,fromwhatAmyhadtoldme,she’dplayedaroleinbringingthefamilybacktogetherafewyearsago,
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whenithadallbutfallenapart.Andnow,shewaspartofit.Ididn’tknowherthatwell,
butitwasclearshebelongedwiththisfamily.Meanwhile,Isuddenlyfelt
likeanintruder.Justsomekidmoochingofftheirgenerosity.WhichwaswhyIstayedputonthestairs.As
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gladasIwastoseeWesley,Icouldn’tbringmyselftointerruptthefamilyreunionhappeningbeforeme.ButWesley,whotowered
overeveryoneelseinthefamily,onlytookasecondtonotice.“Sonny!”hecalled,waving
meoverforahug.“SoAmyfinallyconvincedourparents
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toletherkeepyou,huh?It’sabouttime.”Ilaughedandacceptedthe
quickhug.“It’snicetoseeyou,Wesley.”“Isit?”heasked.“I’ve
textedyouafewtimes,butyouneverreplied.Ithoughtmaybeyouweretoocoolformenow.”“Oh,Iam,”Iassuredhim.
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“But,also,myphoneisbroken.I’vebeenusingAmy’s.”WhichremindedmethatI
hadafewtextmessagesfromRydertodelete.“It’snicetoseeyouagain,
Sonny,”Biancasaid.“You,too.How’sNew
York?”“Cold.”
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“Luckily,she’sgotmetowarmherup,”Wesleysaid,puttinganarmaroundher.Biancarolledhereyes.“Well,Ihatetocutthis
short,”Mr.Rushsaid,glancingathiswatch.“ButI’msureBianca’sfatherwillbeeagertoseeher.Wecan’thogallhertime.”“I’lltakeherhome,”
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Wesleysaid,grabbingasetfromthehookbythedoor.ThekeystohisbelovedPorsche.Hehadn’ttakenitwithhim
toNewYork.Iguesstherewasn’tmuchofaneedforitthere.Buthewasclearlyexcitedtogetbehindthewheelnowthathewashome.“Comebackoversoon,”
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Amysaid.“Wehavetocatchup.”“Obviously,”Biancasaid.Andasquicklyasthey’d
arrived,WesleyandBiancasweptbackoutthedoor,whileAmy,herparents,andImigratedtothekitchenforbreakfast.“I’msogladthey’rehome,”
Amywassayingasshe
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pouredherselfabowlofcereal.“It’snicetohavethewholefamilytogetheragain.”“Itis,”Mrs.Rushagreed.Aknottwistedinmy
stomach,andIfoundmyselfblinkingbacksuddentears.Iclearedmythroat.“Um,Mr.Rush?Hasthere
beenanymailforme?”Mr.Rushhadjustfilleda
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mugwithcoffee.Helookedatmeovertherim,hiseyesknowing.He’dbeentheonetoputmyletterinthemail,soheknewexactlywhyIwasasking.“No,Sonny,”hesaid.“I’m
sorry.”“Areyouexpecting
something?”Amyasked.“Yeah,”Imumbled,the
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acheinmychestgrowingasIwatchedtheRushesbustlearoundthekitchen,laughingastheybumpedintoeachotherandtrippedoveroneanother’sfeet.“ButIprobablyshouldn’tbe.”Amyraisedaneyebrow,and
Iknewshe’dbeaskingmeaboutitlater.Istillwasn’tsureiforwhatIwasgoingto
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tellher.“Sonny,”Mrs.Rushsaid,
“whydon’tyouinviteyourmotherfordinneronChristmasEve?IknowshehadtoworkonThanksgiving,buthopefullyshehasChristmasEveoff.”“Maybe,”Isaid.“I’llsee.
I’msureshe’dappreciatetheinvitation.”
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Lie,lie,lie.
***
“Ryder.”Itwasembarrassinghow
surprisedIsounded,buthewasthelastpersonIexpectedtofindontheRushes’frontporch.Well,okay.Maybenotthelast.ThattitlemostlikelybelongedtotheQueenofEnglandorthereanimated
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corpseofEdgarAllanPoe.Ormymom.ButRyderwasunexpected,
nonetheless.Hewaswearinganarmy-greenutilityjacket,hisnonprescriptionblackglasses,andabeanie.HelookedhotinthatawfulhipsterwayI’dsomehowgrowntoappreciate.“Hey,Sonny,”hesaid,
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smilingatme.Theremayhavebeenalittle
bitofflutteringinmystomach.Maybe.Justalittle.Unfortunately,itwasquicklydrownedoutbytheawfulrealizationthatIlookedlikeshit.I’donlygottenoutofthe
showertenminutesbeforethedoorbellrang.Iwasdressed,
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thankGod—thoughmaybeifIhadn’tbeen,he’dhaveother,moreinterestingthingstolookatthanmyhair,whichwaswetandtangledandpulledbackfrommyfacewithatie-dyedheadbandIusedwheneverIputonafacemask.WhichI’dbeenonlysecondsawayfromapplyingwhenthedoorbellrang.
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Soastiminggoes,itwasn’tasbadasitcouldhavebeen.Butwhy,whyhadn’the
chosentocomebyonadaywhenIlookedamazing?OrwhenIwaswearingsomesortofsexyyetclassylingerie?Ididn’tevenownlingerie,butthatseemedlikeanexcellentscenario,andonethatwouldlikelygoalong
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waytowardfurtheringprogressonmymasterplan.Ryderdidn’tseemtonotice
myunflatteringhairdo,however.“Hey.IsAmyhome?”he
asked.Imanagedtokeepmy
composuredespitemydisappointment.“Nope.Shewentouttorunsomeerrands
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thismorning,andsheinsisteditwouldbeboringandIdidn’thavetocome.”Ismirked.“Youknowwhatthatmeans,right?”“What’sthat?”“She’soutbuyingmy
Christmaspresent.”“Oh?”heasked.“Whatdo
youthinkshe’llgetyou?”“Well,Iaskedforapony,”I
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informedhim.“AndI’mnotsureIcouldsettleforanythingless.”“Anygoodfriendwouldget
youapony,”heagreed.Thenweweregrinningat
eachother,andthoseflutteryfeelingsmadetheirtriumphantreturn.“Doyouwanttocomein?”
Iasked.“It’sjustmehere.
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Everyoneelseisoutdoinglast-minuteshopping.”Mortificationcreptovermy
faceasIrealizedwithastartexactlywhatIwasoffering.MeandRyder.Inagiant,emptyhouse.Withinfiniteroomsjustbeggingtobemadeoutin.Or,youknow,wemightjust
watchTV.
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Although,knowingRyder,heprobablyhatedtelevision.Butforafullsecond,I
thoughthewasgoingtosayyes.Hismouthopenedtospeak,butthenhesnappeditshut.Helookedatme,thenlookedaway,shakinghisheadasifshakingwaterfromhisface.“That’sokay,”hesaid.“I’d
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bettergetgoing.”Itriednottoletthedisappointmentshow,butIwasn’tstrongenoughtohideitwhenhesaid,“ButwillyougivethistoAmy?”ItwasonlythenthatI
noticedthethin,rectangularbox,coveredingreenwrappingpaper,tuckedunderhisarm.Itwasthesortofbox
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clotheswerealwaysgiveninonChristmas,anditwasforAmy.“Ofcourse,”Isaid,taking
theboxfromhim.“Noproblem.”Andthen,spottinganopeningtopushmyplansalongalittle,Iadded,“ButI’msorry.Idon’tthinkshegotyouanything.”Rydershrugged.“That’s
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okay,”hesaid,onlyatinybitcrestfallen.“Youneverknow.Maybeshe’llpickmeupsomethingwhileshe’soutbuyingyourpony.”“Maybe.”Westaredateachotherfor
anotherlongmoment.Inthesilence,IhadthesuddenurgetotellhimaboutmylettertoDad,butIshovedtheimpulse
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away.Ihadn’theardfromDadyet,andImightnot.Ifhenevercalledorwroteback,Iwasn’tsureIcouldstandhavingtoanswerquestionsaboutitlater.Ryderdidthatsamehead
shakehe’ddoneaminutebeforeandfinallyturned,movingtowardthefrontsteps.“MerryChristmas,
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Sonny,”hesaidoverhisshoulder.“MerryChristmas.”Butatthatmoment,thegift
boxfeelingheavyandcruelinmyarms,itdidn’tseemallthatmerry.
***
AsmuchasIdidn’twanttoknow,IwasdyingtoknowwhatwasintheboxRyder
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hadgiventoAmy.“Whydidn’tyoujustopen
it?”sheaskedwhenshegothomethatevening.“Becauseit’sforyou.”The
wordscameoutharshandbitter.Andyes,Iknewthatwasn’tfair.Amyhadn’taskedforthis.Butdamnit,ifshewasn’tsoirresistible,wewouldn’tbeinthissituation.
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Wasitreallytoomuchtoaskforashrewasabestfriend?Ididn’tthinkso.“Notreally,”shesaid,but
shepickeduptheboxanywayandsatdownonthebedwithitinherlap.Shepeeledoffthegreenpaper,carefulnottotearit.WhereIwouldhavejustshreddedit,Amywasalwaysneatabouttheway
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sheunwrappedgifts,asifshemightwanttoreusethepaperlater.(Sheneverdid,though.)Onceshe’dfinishedwith
thattask,shebeganworkingatthetapethatheldthewhiteboxclosed.Ittookherasecond,butthenthelidwasflippingopenandshewaspullingoutashirt.Aredbuffaloplaidflannel
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shirt.Myheartswelled,then
promptlysank.Because,asIkept
remindingmyself,itwasn’tforme.“Oh,”Amysaid,examining
theshirt,whichwasclearlynotatallherstyle.“It’s…cute.”“It’sflannel,”Isaid.
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“Uh-huh.”“It’sforyourfuturenineties
grungeband.”Amyblinkedatme.
“Excuseme?”“Nothing.It’sstupid.”I
stoodupandmovedtowardthedoor.“Enjoytheshirt.”“Sonny,youcanhaveit,”
shesaid.“Obviously.It’snotreallyforme.”
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“It’snotformeeither,”Isaid.“You’retheonehethinkswouldlookcuteinflannel.”“I’mgoingtodisagreewith
himonthat.”Sheputtheshirtbackintheboxbeforelookingatmeagain.Myhandwasonthedoor,
butIwaswatchingher.OrmaybeIwasglaringather.
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Unintentionally.“Areyoumadatme?”she
asked.“No.”Iwas,though.AndIhated
myselfforit.ThissituationwithRyderwasn’tAmy’sfault.Itwasmine.Iwasbeinganasshole.Itwasn’tjustaboutRyder,
though.Itwasthisstupid
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holiday.ItwasaconstantreminderthatAmyhadeverythingIdidn’t.Afamily,afuture,ahome…andnowRyder.Shehadpeoplewholovedher.Peoplewhowantedtobuyhergiftsandspendtimewithher.AndIhadnoone.Noone…excepther.Ifeltmyselfdeflate,my
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shouldersslumpingforwardastheangerseepedoutofme,replacedbytheweightofguilt.“No,”Isaidagain.“I’mnot
madatyou.I’msorry.”“Youcanhavetheshirt,”
shesaidagain,holdingtheboxouttome.“It’sreallyforyou.”“That’sokay.Itprobably
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wouldn’tfitmeanyway.”ButIstilltookitfromher.Afterasecond,Iforcedasmile,andeventhoughitwasn’treal,Iknewitwasbelievablebecause,well,itwasme.“Yourbrotherbroughthomesomeofthosecookieswiththeicingwelove.I’mstealingone.ShouldIgrabtwo?”
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Amy’sfakesmilewasmoretransparent.“Sure.Wannaplayagameofpoolintherecroom?”“You’reon,”Isaid.
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Bah,humbug!Betweenthegiftdramawith
Ryder,thelingeringawkwardnessbetweenmeandAmy,endlessshiftsatthebookstore,andmygenerallackofafamilytospendtheholidayswith,Ihadbecomea
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scrooge.EverycommercialfeaturingahappylittlekidopeninggiftswiththeirlovingparentsmademewanttokaratechoptheRushes’flat-screenTV.EveryChristmassongontheradiogavemeroadrage.AndIwasnolongerallowedtoanswerthefrontdoorforfearofwhatImightdotosome
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unsuspectingcarolerwhomightcomeknocking.I’devengottenreprimanded
bySheilaforscowlingtoomuchatwork.Dealingwiththegeneralpublicdayinanddayoutwhileforcingacheeryattitudewastorture.AndeventhoughIneededthemoney,I’dcalledinsickacoupleoftimesjusttokeep
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myselfsane.Sufficeittosay,Iwasnot
particularlyeagertogodownstairsonChristmasmorning.Don’tgetmewrong,Iknew
theRusheswouldbenice.They’dprobablyevengottenmeasmallgift—someassortedlotionsoranewsweater,allofwhichIwould
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havebeenincrediblygratefulfor—butIwasn’tthepersontheywantedtoseetoday.They’dinvitedmeintotheirhomeandneverletmefeelunwelcomeforamoment,butintheend,Iwastheirguest.AndChristmaswasadayyouwantedtospendwithfamily.AmyandIwouldexchange
giftslaterthatday.Iwouldlet
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theRusheshavethemorningtothemselves.Atleast,thatwasmyplan.UntilWesleythrewopen
mybedroomdoorateightinthegodforsakenmorning.“MerryChristmas!”he
bellowed.“Timetogetup.”Igroanedandsmushedmy
faceintothepillow.“No.”“Comeon,now.Where’s
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yourholidayspirit?”Iheardhisheavyfootstepsmovequicklyacrossthefloor,thenmycurtainswerethrownopenandblindingsunlightfilledtheroom.“Riseandshine,Sonny.ComedownstairsandseewhatSantabroughtyou.”Isighedandrolledontomy
back,squintingagainstthe
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light.“IfyouhonestlythinkIstillbelieveinSanta,weneedtohaveaconversation,Wesley.”“Let’shaveitdownstairs,”
hesaid.“Comeon.Everyone’sbeenwaitingonyoutoopenpresentsforalmostanhour.”Ifrowned.“Waitingonme?
Why?”
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“Becausetheydidn’twanttowakeyouup.Thoughtitwouldberude.I,ontheotherhand,havenosuchreservations.”Thatwasn’twhatI’dmeant,
though.BeforeIcouldclarify,
Wesleygrabbedmywrist,pulledmetomyfeet,andbegandraggingmetoward
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thedoor.ThankGodIwaswearingAmy’sfrogpajamas.“Okay,okay,”Isaid,having
tojogtokeepupwithhislongstrides.“I’mcoming.Noneedtousebruteforce.”“Igetaggressiveabout
presents.”“Clearly.”HereleasedmywristandI
followedhimdownstairs.The
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restofthefamilywassittingaroundthehugelivingroom,allintheirpajamas.Mr.RushhadamugofcoffeeinhishandandAmywasmunchingonafrozenwaffle.TheylookedupwhenWesleyandIentered.“Wetoldyounottowake
herup,”Mrs.Rushscolded.“IfwewaitedforSonny,we
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wouldn’tbeopeningpresentsuntilnoon,”Wesleyargued.“So?”Mrs.Rushasked.“Mother,thatis
unacceptable.Evenyouknowthat.”“Sonny,I’dliketo
apologizeformyson.Hismannersareobviouslylacking.”ButIbarelyheardher.Iwas
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toobusystaringatthemanteloverthefireplace,wherefivestockingshadbeenhung.Theyhadn’tbeentherewhenI’dgoneuptobedthenightbefore.Buttheretheywere.Five.Oneforeachmemberofthe
Rushfamily.And,rightinthemiddleof
them,onethatsaidSonnyin
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glittery,hand-paintedletters.Itwasasmallthing,onthe
surface,butitfelthuge.Ihadtoswallowalumpthathadriseninmythroat.Ihadneverhadastockingwithmynameonit.Momhadneverhungthem.Hell,wehadn’tevenhadaChristmastreeinatleastfiveyears.“Sonny,”Mr.Rushsaid,
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callingmyattentionbacktothefamily.“Comesitdown.WehavetopassthesepresentsoutbeforeWesley’sheadexplodes.”Inoddedandmigratedover
tothecouchtositbetweenhimandAmy,whoofferedmeawarmsmile.“MerryChristmas,”she
said.
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“MerryChristmas,”Ireplied,beamingbackather.Wesleypassedoutthegifts,
butnoneofusopenedthemuntileverypackageunderthetreehadbeengiventoitsrightfulowner.Thenwewerefreetotearin,thoughnoonedidthiswithquiteasmuchenthusiasmastheeldestRushchild.
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“You’renearlytwenty-oneyearsold,”Mr.RushremindedhissonasWesleyimpatientlyshreddedthepaperononeofthegifts—thegameconsoleAmyandIhadpickedup.“TheChristmasspirit
doesn’thaveanage,”Wesleyassuredhim.Asforme,Ihadasmallpile
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ofgifts,prettymuchasI’dexpected.AnewredsweaterfromMr.Rush(wasthatcashmere?Ididn’tevenknowwhatcashmerefeltlike)andaboxoflavender-scentedlotion,bodywash,andperfumefromMrs.Rush.Wesleyhadgottenmesomething,too,thoughthepresentitselfconfusedmea
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little.“Oh,thankyou,”Isaid,
lookingdownatthesmartphonecasethathadclearlybeencustomdesignedwithmynameinpink,swirlyletters.Ididn’thaveasmartphone,butIdidhavetheabilitytofakeenthusiasm.“It’sreallycute.”“Thatactuallygoeswith
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anothergift,”Mrs.Rushsaid.“Gocheckyourstocking.”“Uh,okay.”Istoodupand
walkedovertothemantel.Carefully,IreachedmyhandinsidetheSonnystockingandpulledouttheonlyitem.Andgasped.Asmartphone.Abrand-new,working
smartphone.
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“That’sfromallofus,”Mr.Rushsaid.“ButitwasAmy’sidea,”
Mrs.Rushinformedme.“Weknowyourphone’sbeenbrokenforawhile,andwefigureditwastimeforanupgrade.”“Weaddedyoutoour
phoneplan,too,”Mr.Rushsaid.“Wetransferredyour
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oldnumberandeverything.”Thatlumpwasbackagain.
Persistentbastard.Ijustshookmyhead,barelymanagingtochokeoutthewords,“I-Ican’tacceptthis.”“Youcan,andyouwill,”
Wesleysaid.“It’salittleselfishonour
parts,”Mrs.Rushadded.“Wewanttobeabletokeepin
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touchwithyouwhileyou’relivinghere,andyouandAmycan’talwaysbeattachedatthehip.Sothisisforus,too.”“I’msureit’llalsomakeit
easierforyourmothertogetaholdofyouifsheneedsto,”Mr.Rushsaid.“Doyoulikeit?”Amy
asked.Shewasgrinningatme,hereyeswideandbright.
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Inodded.“Ido.Ido—thankyou.Thankyousomuch.”“You’rewelcome,”Mr.
Rushsaid.“AndthankyouforspendingChristmaswithus.We’regladtohaveyouhere,Sonny.”Ismiledathim.“I’mglad
I’mhere,too.”Imaynothavebeenas
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filledwithholidayjoyasWesley(IdoubtedIeverwouldbe),butifIwasgoingtospendChristmaswithanyone,therewasnootherfamilyI’dratherbewith.Except,maybe,myown.
***
TheonlycallIgotthatdaywasn’tonmynewcellphone:ItwasontheRushes’house
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phone,anditwascollect.“Yes,I’llacceptthe
charges,”Isaid,feelingalittleguiltydespitetheirinsistencethatthey’dbeokaywithpayingthefeeswhenI’doriginallyaskedthemaboutit.Ihadafeelingthiswasthe
firsttimetheRushhousehadreceivedacallfromaprison.
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“Sonny?”Ihadn’theardhisvoicein
years,butIrecognizeditimmediately.Itwasdeep,butlight.Youcouldhearthesmileinit.Inallmymemoriesofmyfather,hewasalwayssmiling.“Hey,Dad,”Isaid,myown
voiceatadshaky.“MerryChristmas.”
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“Yousoundsogrown-up,”hesaid.“You’reprobablytoooldformetocallyouSonnyBunnynow,huh?”“Maybealittle,”Isaid.I
wassurprisedbyhownormalhesounded.Howconfidentandpleasant.Somehow,I’dexpectedprisontorobhimofthat.Hejust…didn’tsoundlikeacriminal.“It’sbeena
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while.”“Iknow.Iwassohappyto
getyourletter.”“Youwere?”“Ofcourse,SonnyBunny.
I’vetriedtocallandwritebefore,butIcouldnevergetintouch.”“Wemovedafewyears
ago,”Isaid.“IntoGranddad’shouse.AndMomnevergota
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housephone.Andhercellnumberhaschangedafewtimes,so…”“Yourmother,”hesaid,a
slightlaughinhisvoice.“She’sapieceofwork.”“Yeah…Sothat’swhyI
gaveyouthisnumber.I’matmyfriend’shouserightnow.HerparentssaidIcouldtakeyourcallshere.”
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“Oh,”Dadsaid.“Well,tellthemthankyouforme.”Hepaused.“Howisyourmom,anyway?”Timetolie.“Great,”Isaid.“She’sgota
goodjobrightnowandshe’sseeingsomeone,sothat’sgoodforher.WehadagreatChristmasthismorning,andthenIcameovertomy
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friend’shousefordinner.”“That’sgreat,”Dadsaid.“I
missyou,SonnyBunny.”“Imissyou,too.”Ididn’tknowthewords
weretrueuntiltheyleftmymouth.DespiteeverythingI’dsaidabouthimovertheyears,despitealltheangerandhurtIfelt,I’dmissedhim.Especiallynow.
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“Listen,”hesaid.“Iknowyou’rebusy,butI’dlovetoseeyouifyoueverwanttocomeforvisitation—”“Iwill.”“Yeah?”“Yeah,”Isaid.“Imean,I
don’tknowwhen,butI’llcomesoon.”“Thatwouldbegreat,
Sonny.Youcancomemake
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funofmeinmyveryfashionableorangejumpsuit.”Andeventhoughhisvoicewasstillconfident,Icouldsensethatlittletouchofrelief.Nooneelsewouldhavecaughtit,butIdid.Ihadtoremindmyselfof
that.Mydadmightnothavesoundedlikeacriminal,buthewasone.Therewasno
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disputingthat.Maybehe’dchangedovertheyears.Maybehewasn’ttheassholemymotherhadonceclaimed.Butforallhischarm,hewasaliar.Justlikeme.Thequestionwas,how
muchwashelyingabout?Therewasachancethat
lettinghimbackintomylife
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wasamistake.ButRydersaidDadmightsurprisemeifIgavehimachance,andhealreadyhadjustbycalling.“Youstillthere,Sonny
Bunny?”“Yeah,”Isaid.“I’mhere.
ButIcanonlytalkforafewmoreminutes.Thephonechargesarekindof…”“Iunderstand,”Dadsaid.
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“But,ifyouhaveafewmoreminutes,I’dlovetolearnalittlemoreaboutthisgrown-upyou.”Ismiled.“Whatdoyou
wanttoknow?”“Everything,”hesaid.Iwouldn’tgivehimthat.I
couldn’tgiveanyonethat.Butforthenextfiveminutes,Itoldhimasmanytruethings
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asIcould.
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“Areyoufreakingkiddingme?”Islammedmyfistinto
Gert’ssteeringwheelandjumpedattheresoundinghonk!itelicited.Because,despitealllogic,ithadsomehowsurprisedme.
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I’djustmanagedtopullmypiece-of-shitcarontotheshoulderoftheroadasitgroanedandcreakedtoastop.ButnowIwasstuck,strandedonthestretchofhighwaybetweenHamiltonandOakHillonthedayafterChristmas.AndIwasgoingtobelate
forwork.
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“Pleasejustbethebattery,”ImutteredasIclimbedfromthecarandwenttoopenthehood.“Pleasejustneedajump.”Imayhavehadajobnow,
butbetweengasmoney,Christmaspresents,andbuyingsomenewwinterclothes,Ididn’thavethemoneytofixGert.Iknewthe
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RusheswouldpayforitifIasked,butIstillfeltguiltyaboutlettingthemgivemeanewcellphone.Ipulledopenthehoodand
stareddownatthetangleofmachineryinside,suddenlyrememberingthatIknewabsolutelynothingaboutcars.Iwasn’tevensurewhyI’dpoppedthehoodotherthan
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thatwasjustwhatyouweresupposedtodowhenyouwerestrandedonthesideoftheroad.“Damn,”Isaid,looking
downatwhatIthoughtmightbethebattery.Ireachedintomyback
pocketandpulledoutmynewcellphone,whichonlyhadahandfulofnumbers
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programmedintoit.ItriedAmy,buttherewasnoanswer.She’dgonetothelibrarytoworkonanessayforhercollegeapplications,somaybeshe’dputitonsilent.ThenIrememberedthatIhadn’tgivenAmyherphonebackyet—itwasstillinmyroom.SoItriedWesleynext.
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“Hello,Sonya.”“Notfunny,”Isaid.“Hey,
areyoubusy?”“We’rejustwatchinga
movie.Why?”Iheardsomeonelaughingin
thebackground,andIrealizedhemust’vebeenatBianca’shouse.“Gert’sdead.”“Who?”
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“Mycar.”“Oh…okay.Whereare
you?”Igavehimdirectionsandhe
assuredmetheywereleavingimmediately.Ihungupandshovedmyphonebackintomypocketwithasigh.“Damnit,Gert,”Isaid,
restingmyhandonthehood.“Getyourshittogether,
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woman.”Idialedthebookstore’s
number,buttherewasnoanswer.IwasabouttotryagainwhenIheardsomeonecallouttome.“Hey.Youallright?”Ilookedupandnoticeda
Hondaslowingtoastopnexttome.Aguywithmessybrownhairstuckhisheadout
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thewindow.Beyondhim,Icouldmakeoutaprettybrunetteinthepassenger’sseat.Neitherofthemweremucholderthanme.“Fine,”Isaid.“Mycarjust
sucks.”HeturnedtheHondaonto
theshoulder,justafewyardsinfrontofmycar,makingroomforothercarstospeed
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pastus.Thenheandthebrunettebothclimbedoutandstartedwalkingtowardme.Istiffened,thinkingthatthis
wasexactlyhoweveryhorrormoviebeganandhopingthatAmywouldavengemymurder,regardlessoftheweirdnessbetweenusatthemoment,butthenIrealizedwewereonabusyhighway
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inbroaddaylightandanysmarterserial-killingteamwouldnotbesocareless.“Sorry,”thebrunettesaid,
noticingtheuneasylookonmyface.Therewassomethingvaguelyfamiliarabouther,butIcouldn’tplaceit.“NathanherehasaGoodSamaritancomplex.Wepromisewe’renotgoingto,
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like,kidnapyou.”“That’sjustwhatanygood
kidnapperwouldsay,”Ipointedout.Thegirl,whowaswearinga
UniversityofKentuckysweatshirt,snorted,andherblueeyestwinkledjustabit.“It’snotaGoodSamaritan
complex,”Nathanargued.“It’scalledbeingadecent
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person.Tryitsometime.”“I’llpass.Thanks.”Theystaredateachotherfor
amoment,bothsmiling,andsuddenlyIfeltasthoughIwasintrudingonsomething.Worriedtheymightstartmaulingeachotherinfrontofme,thereonthesideoftheroad,Iclearedmythroat.“Yeah,”Isaid.“I’mfine.
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Justacraptasticcar.Myfriendsareontheway.”“See.Shedoesn’twantour
help,”thegirlsaid.“Let’sleaveheralone.I’mfreezing.”“Doestheheatworkinyour
car?”Nathanaskedme.“Doyouwanttowaitinourcarwithus?”“Oh,Idon’t—”
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“Iwastryingtoconvinceherthatweweren’ttryingtokidnapher,”thegirlsaid.“You’renothelpingmycasehere.”Nathanlaughed.“Sorry.
Whitley’sright.Wearen’ttryingtokidnapyou.”“Wait,”Isaid,lookingat
thebrunette.AndsuddenlyIrealizedwhyshelookedso
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familiar.“Whitley?WhitleyJohnson?You’reGregJohnson’sdaughter?”Whitleystiffenedalittle.
“Yeah.”“OhmyGod,”Isaid.
“Okay,Iswear,I’mnotusuallyasquealingfangirl,butyourfatherisamazing.”“SoI’vebeentold.”“Hepaidformygasonce.”
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WhitleymetthiscommentwiththesamelackofenthusiasmIhadreceivedfromRyder.Shejustgaveavague,placatingsmile,andIrealizedwhatanidiotIsoundedlike.Nonetheless,Iwassuddenly
waymorewillingtowaitintheircaruntilBiancaandWesleyarrived.
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ThethreeofusclimbedintotheHonda,meslidingintothebackseat,andNathancrankeduptheheat.IlistenedwithcuriosityasheandWhitleytalkedaboutotherthings—school,plansfortheweekend,someawkwardfamilyChristmasdrama—onlythenrememberingthatthesetwowerenotonlya
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couplebutstepsiblings.Thathadreallygottenthe
rumormillstirredupafewyearsago,shortlyafterGregJohnsonmovedtoHamilton.Hisdaughter,Whitley,alreadyhadareputationforbeingapartyanimal,butthegossiponlygotworsewhenshestarteddatingherstepmother’sson.Talk
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aroundtownhadmostlyfadedafterthetwowentofftocollege,butsometimesflaredupagainwhenWhitleyandNathanwerebackforschoolbreaks.Thiswasmyfirsttime
meetingeitheroftheminperson,andIwasfascinatedbyhowarelationshiplikethatwouldwork.
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Ialsowonderedifmylovelifewasmoreorlessscrewedupthantheirs.Probablymore.“Arethoseyourfriends?”
NathanaskedasaPorscheeasedontothesideoftheroad,rightbehindGert.“Yeah,”Isaid,thoughIwas
mildlydisappointedtobeejectedfromthisriveting
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couple’spresence.IhoppedoutoftheHonda
andsawWesleyandBiancaapproaching.WhitleyandNathanspottedthem,too,andtomysurprise,theyalsoclimbedoutofthecar.“Hey,”Nathansaid,
beaming.“Hey.”Wesleygrinned.
“Longtimenosee.”
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“Youguysknoweachother?”Iasked.“Sortof,”Biancasaid.She
andWhitleygaveeachotherapolitenod.“Whitleyherestolemybest
friend,”Wesleyexplained.“HowisHarrison,anyway?Ihaven’theardfromhiminages.”“That’sbecausehehasa
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newboyfriend,”Whitleysaid.“He’sspendingChristmasinLosAngeleswithAntonio.I’dbemadathimforit,butthey’redisgustinglycutetogether.”“Goodforhim,”Wesley
said.“BiancaandIweretalkingaboutgoingouttovisithimifhedoesn’tcomehomethissummer.”
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TheykepttalkinguntilBiancanoticedmestandingthereshiveringandclearedherthroat.“Well,wejustcametopick
upthestray.”Shejabbedathumbatme.“Thanksforkeepinganeyeonher.”“I’mnotapuppy,”Isaid.“Wediscussedkidnapping
her,”Whitleysaid.“Justso
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youknow.”“Gladyoudidn’t,”Wesley
said.“ThenI’dhavetofindmysisteranewbestfriend,andthosecantakeforevertohousebreak.”Irolledmyeyes.“Ha-ha.”WhitleyandNathansaid
good-byeandclimbedintotheircar,thenWesley,Bianca,andIheadedback
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overtoGert.“Sowhat’stheproblem?”
Biancaasked,tappingthehood.“Idon’tknow,”Iadmitted.
“Itstoppedrunning.I’mhopingit’sjustthebattery.Doyouguyshavejumpercables?”Wesleyopenedhismouthto
answer,butBiancajust
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poppedopenthehood.“Letmetakealookfirst.Ihaveplentyofexperiencewithcrappyoldcars.”“Bemyguest.”Shepokedherheadaround
insidewhileWesleyandIwatched.Afterasecond,shetookastepbackandslammedthehoodshut.“We’llneedtocallatow
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truck.”Igroaned.“What’swrong
withGert?”“Youralternator.Thebeltis
totallyjusthangingthere.It’llneedtobereplaced.”“Thealternator,”Wesley
said,nodding.“Imean,obviously.”Biancarolledhereyes.“For
someonewithsuchanicecar,
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youknowsolittleaboutthem.”“Howmuchisthatgoingto
costme?”Iasked.“Hardtosay,”Bianca
admitted.“Ifit’sjustthebelt,itwon’tbethatbad.Ifit’stheactualalternator…alittlemore.”“MorethatIdon’thave,”I
muttered.“AndIdon’tget
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paiduntilnextweek.”“Don’tworryaboutit,”
Wesleysaid.“I’lltakecareofit.”“Ican’tletyoudothat,”I
said.“Oryourparents.Youguyshavealreadydonewaytoomuchforme.”“Don’tbesilly,”hesaid.
“Wedon’tmind.”“ButIdo,”Iargued.
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Biancaputanunderstandinghandonmyshoulder.“Maybeyoucouldconsideritaloan,then,”shesaid.“Tobepaidbackwhenyoucan.”Istillwasn’tthrilledabout
this,butitwasn’tasiftherewereatonofoptions.So,reluctantly,Inodded.“Deal,”Wesleysaid.“I’ll
evenchargeinterestifyou
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like.”“Let’snegotiatethatinthe
car.Whereit’swarm,”Biancasuggested.Ittookabouttwentyminutes
forthetowtrucktoarrive,andbythen,Iwassuperlateforwork.PoorGertandherbrokenalternatorwerehauledoff,andIsilentlypromisedherI’dcometorescueher
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soon.“Sowherewereyou
headed?”WesleyaskedashesteeredthePorschebackontothehighway.“Themall,”Isaid,checking
thetime.“Myshiftstartedhalfanhourago.Mybosswillbesopissed.AndnowIhavenowaytogethomeafter…”
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“Wecancomepickyouup,”Biancasaid.“Youdon’thavetodothat,”
Isaid.“Ofcoursewedo,”Wesley
said.“Youdon’tthinkwe’dleaveyoustranded,doyou?Justgivemeacallwhenyourshiftends.”“Thankyou,”Isaid.
“Really.”
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Wesleysmiledatmeintherearviewmirror.“Anytime.”
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Well,thiswassomeseriousdéjàvu.“Sheila,comeon,”I
begged.“Itoldyou.Mycarbrokedown.Ihadtowaitforthetowtruck.”“Youcouldhavecalled,”
shesaid.
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“Itried,”Isaid.“Nooneanswered.”“Whydidn’tyoutryagain?”Fairquestion.“Wehadtocallsomeone
elsetocoveryourshift,”shesaid.“ThedayafterChristmasisalwaysbusy,andyouweren’there.”“Itoldyou.Mycar—”“Youalwayshavean
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excuse,”shesaid.Tobefair,theexcusesabout
Gerthadbeentrue.I’dhadmoreproblemswithherlatelythanusual.Iseriouslyneededanewcar.Butthatrequiredmoney.Whichrequiredajob.WhichGertwasmakingitincrediblyhardtoholdonto.Well,Gert,andmyhatred
oftheholidays.
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“Look,”Sheilasaidassherearrangedafewpicturebooksthathadbeentossedaroundbysomekidsafewminutesbefore.Iwasfollowingheraroundthestorelikeapathetic,lostdog.“Youwereseasonalanyway.Wewereprobablygoingtobelayingyouoffintwoweeksasitis.”
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Butthatwastwoweeks’worthofpaythatIneeded.EspeciallynowthatIowedWesleyforGert’srepairs.Ijuststoodthere,staringat
her.“Sorry,Sonny,”shesaid.
“Butyou’refired.”Istormedoutofthe
bookstore,pissedatSheilaandatGertandatmyself.I
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thoughtofcallingWesley,askinghimtoturnbackaroundandcomepickmeup.ButItookadeepbreathanddecidedtobemoreproactive.Iwasalreadyatthemall,so
Imightaswellstartmyjobhuntrightaway.IsighedasIheadedtoward
thefoodcourt,rememberingthedayAmyandIhadcome
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herewhenIwasfirstapplyingfornewjobs.SomedaysIfeltlikearat
onawheel,runningandrunningandrunningandnevergettinganywhere.
***
“Sonny?”Iwaswalkingoutof
Daphne’s,avintage-inspiredclothingstore,afterdropping
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offmyapplication.Ryderwasstandingafewyardsaway,ashoppingbaginhishandandhisgreenutilityjacketslungcasuallyoverhisshoulder.Helookedlikeamodel.Likeapictureanyoneofthesestoreswouldhavelovedtohaveadvertisingtheirbrand.“Hey,Ryder,”Isaid.
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“What’reyoudoinghere?”Wesaiditinunison,then
laughedtogether.“IfIwasseven,Iwouldyell
jinxrightnow.”“Yeah,”Isaid.“Sucha
shamewe’retoooldfor—JINX!Youowemeasoda.”Ryderrolledhiseyes.
“Seriously?”“Ofcourse.Itakethese
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thingsveryseriously.Ipreferorangesoda,bytheway.ThoughIwillalsoacceptgrape.Norootbeer,though.Disgusting.”“Noted.”Heglanceddown
atthestackofapplicationsstilltuckedbeneathmyarm.“So,backtomyquestion.Whatareyoudoinghere?”“Seekingemployment.”
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“Ithoughtyouworkedatthebookstore?”“Nolonger.”“Oh.Sorrytohearthat.”“Whataboutyou?What
bringsyoutothemallonthisfinewinter’sday?”“Somethingjustasfun.”He
lifteduptheshoppingbags.“Returningunwantedgifts.”“Unwantedgifts?That’san
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oxymoron,Ryder.”“You’veneverbeen
honoredwithapresentfrommygrandmother,then.”“Thatbad?”“Shegavemesuspenders
once.”“Well,Imean,thoseare
makingacomeback.Especiallyamonghipsterslikeyourself.”
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“I’mnotahipster,”hesaid.“AnddoIlooklikesomeonewhowearssuspenders?”“Imean,maybe…”“Brightpurpleones?”Igiggled,tryingtopicture
it.Ryderinhisexpensivebluejeans,redGoatsVoteforMelonsT-shirt,andbrightpurplesuspenders.“No,notreally.ThoughIwouldpay
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moneytoseeit.”“Yes,well,payallyoulike.
It’snotgoingtohappen.”Hesighed.“Luckily,I’vebeenabletotradethingsinforitemsIwouldwear,soatleastitwasn’tawasteofanicegesture.”Withoutsayinganything,
withoutplanningit,westartedwalking.Together.
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Ourshouldersnearlytouchingaswewoveourwaypastfamilieswithstrollersandseniorsintracksuits.“SodidAmygetyouthat
pony?”heaskedafterwe’dpassedafewstores.“Sadly,no.I’mvery
disappointed.We’renolongeronspeakingtermsbecauseofit.”
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“That’sashame.Youknowshe…”Ilookedathimashetrailed
off.Myheartwasalreadybeginningtosink.BacktoAmy.Barelyaminutetogetherandthat’swhathewantedtotalkabout.Ihadn’tevenbeentextinghimfromherphonelately.Atleast,notmuch.Justacoupleoftimes,
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onceortwice,whentheguestroomfeltespeciallylonely.ButI’ddefinitelysloweddownsincethestartofChristmasbreak.Especiallyafterhebroughtherthatgift.Asfarasheknew,Amyhadnevereventhankedhimforit.Yethestillwantedtotalkabouther.Heshookhishead.“You
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knowwhat?Nevermind.”Ormaybehedidn’t.“Sowhereelsedoyouhave
todroptheseoff?”Ryderasked,takingtheapplicationsfrommeandthumbingthroughthem.AfterSheilafiredme,I’d
gonearoundthemall,pickingupapplications,thenfilledthemoutinthefoodcourt.
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NowIwasjustdroppingthemoff.“Thecandyshop.The
smoothieplace.Andthatsportinggoodsstoreontheothersideofthebuilding.Youknow,thatonewhereallthemiddle-agedmenincamostandaroundcomparingfishingpolesforhours?”Rydergrimaced.“You’re
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goingtoputanapplicationinthere?”“Mycarbrokedownonthe
wayhere,andIhavetopayfortherepairs,soIcan’taffordtobepicky.”Itooktheapplicationsbackfromhim.“Yourcarbrokedownon
thewayhere?”“Yeah.Ihadtocallatow
truck.Thankfully,Amy’s
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brotherwasabletopickmeup,soIwasn’tstrandedlong.”Islowedaswenearedthecandystore,andRyderfollowedmein.HewasquietasIhandedmyapplicationtotheladybehindthecounter,whowastednotimeinformingmethattheyweren’thiringrightnow,butthatthey’dkeepmy
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applicationonfile.“Listen,”Rydersaidaswe
wereleavingtheshop.“Iwasabouttoleavehere,butI’dbegladtogiveyouaridehomeifyouneedone.”“Thatwouldactuallybe
great,”Isaid,surprised.“Ifyoudon’tmind.Itwouldsavemyfriendsanothertripouthere.”
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“Idon’tmindatall.”HowhadIeverthoughtthis
guywasajerk?Idroppedoffmylastfew
applications,including,yes,oneinthesportinggoodsstore.AfterIhandedittothemanatthecounter,IsentatexttoWesley,lettinghimknowIhadfoundanotherridehome.ThenIwentin
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searchforRyder,whohadwanderedoffsomewhereinthefewsecondsIwasn’tlooking.Ifoundhimlookingatbrightorangehuntingjacketsandvests.“Thinkingofchangingyour
wardrobe?”Iasked.“Marvelingatthefactthat
mygrandmotherhasn’tgottenmeoneoftheseyet,”hesaid.
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“Ablaze-orangevestwouldgosplendidlywiththosepurplesuspenders.”“Mythoughtsexactly.”He
turnedtomewithasmile.“Areyoureadytogo?”“Notuntilyoutryoneof
thoseon.”“Ha-ha.You’rehilarious.”“I’mserious,”Isaid.“Ifyou
doit,you’llnolongerowe
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measoda.”“No.”“Oh,comeon,Ryder,”I
said,punchinghisarmplayfully.“Bealittlespontaneousforonce.”Hehesitated,butImust’ve
beenpersuasivebecausehesighed,resigned,andputdownhisshoppingbags.“Givemeyourphone.”
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“What?Why?”“BecauseIdon’twantyou
takingpicturestouseasblackmail,that’swhy.”“Oh,that’sagreatidea.But
Idon’thaveaphone,remember?”“Youdidn’tbefore,butyou
donow.Isawyouusingitasecondago.Handitover.”Isighedandpassedhimmy
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newcellphone.Helookedatitandchuckled.“Yournameisonthecaseandeverything.Worriedyou’llforgetwhoitbelongsto?”“Justshutupandputonthe
jacket.”Heshovedmyphoneinto
hispocketandturnedtotherackoforangeattire.Afterasecond,heselectedacoat.He
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tossedmehisjacket,thenslidthebulkyorangemonstrosityontohisarms.Itwasimpossiblenotto
laugh.“PleasecanIhavemy
phoneback?”Ichokedthroughthegiggles.“Absolutelynot.”“Youjustlook…so
different.”Andhedid.He
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didn’tlookbad—hell,ifallhunterslookedlikethis,I’dbeupinadeerstandinaheartbeat.Buthedidn’tlooklikeRyderatall.Itwasfunnyhowoneitemofclothingcouldcompletelychangeaperson.“Looksgreatonyou,kid,”
oneoftheemployeessaidashewalkedpastus.“You’re
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readyfordeerseasonnow!”Embarrassmentfloodedhis
face.Idoubtedhe’deverbeenhuntinginhislife.“He’salsointhemarketfor
anewfishingpole!”Icalledtotheemployee.Rydershovedthejacketoff
hisshoulders,hungitbackup,pickeduphisbags,andgrabbedmyhand,pullingme
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totheexitasIlaughed,leavingthestoreemployeelookingverybewildered.Hishandwaswarmagainst
mine,anditsentaspikeofadrenalinethroughme.“Happynow?”Ryderasked
whenwewereawayfromthestore,butIcouldtellhewasholdingbackalaugh,too.“Oh,very,”Itoldhim.
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“Extremely,even.”“Good.Thenlet’sgetoutof
herebeforeyoutrytomakemeplaydress-upanywhereelse.”Westoodthereforaminute,
ourhandsstilllocked.Iwaitedforhimtoletgoandhopedthathewouldn’tallatthesametime.But,afteramomentthatlastedaninstant
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toolong,hedid.Andmaybeitwasmyimagination,butIthinkhewasjustasdisappointedtolosethatcontactasIwas.Itradedhisjacketformy
cellphoneandweheadedoutside,tohiscar.Itwasn’tlate,butitwasalreadydarkout.Wewalkedclosetogether,ourheadsducked
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againstawindthathadpickedupinthehourssinceGerthadbrokendown.AndasIclimbedintothefrontseatofhiscar,shivering,Irealizedthatthelasttimewe’dbeeninacartogetherwasinOctober,onanotherdaywhenGerthadgivenmetroubleandI’dbeenfired.Thedayallofthishad
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started,really.We’dcomealongway
sincethatday,butnotnearlyasfarasI’dhoped.“It’llwarmupinasecond,”
Rydersaidafterhestartedthecar.TheenginehadapurrsoquietIbarelynoticedit.“So.Thisisthe
Rydermobile,eh?”Ilookedaroundattheleatherinterior.
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Itwasspotless.Otherthantheshoppingbagshe’djusttossedintothebackseat,therewasreallynothinginit.Nodiscardedwaterbottlesorforgottenfast-foodwrappers.IknewGertwasamess,butjeez.Thiscarwasalmostscaryclean.Asifhe’dreadmymind,
Rydersaid,“Yeah.My
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mom’salwaysonmetokeepitclean.She’salittleanalaboutstufflikethat.Probablybecausemydadwassuchaslob.”Thedisdaininhisvoicewasundeniable.“Butthereareworsethingsthanacleancar,soIdon’tcomplain.”Thoughsomehow,Iknew
hewouldhavebeforethe
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truthabouthisfathercameout.Hewouldhavethoughthismotherwasatyrantbackthen.Backbeforehedecidedshewasasaint.Iwasn’tgoingtobringthat
up,though.Instead,Idecidedtobringupmyowndysfunctionalfamilyunit.“Hey.I’vebeenmeaningto
tellyou…”Wewerepulling
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outoftheparkinglotnow,smoothlyturningontothehighwaythatwouldleadusbackintoHamilton.“I,um…Iwrotetomydad.”Heglancedatmebefore
turningbacktotheroad.“Youdid?”“Yeah.Afterwetalkedat
theparkthatday.Whatyousaid,aboutlettingpeople
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surpriseyou…Well,anyway,Iwrotetohim.Ididn’twanttosayanythingunlesssomethinggoodoutofit.Ididn’twanttobeembarrassed—”“Youwouldn’tneedtobe
embarrassed,”hesaid.“Ifhedidn’twriteorcallyouback,he’stheonewhoshouldbeembarrassed.”
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“Well,actually,hedid.Yesterday.Hecalledme.”“Really?That’sawesome,
Sonny.”“Itwasjustashortcall.
Whoknowswhatkindofguyhereallyis.Youcan’ttellfromacall,but…butit’sthefirsttimeI’vetalkedtohiminyears,andIdidn’trealizehowmuchI’dmissedhim.”I
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wrappedmyarmsaroundmyself,suddenlyfeelingnaked.Thatwastoomuch.Toohonest.Tooclose.ButthenRyder’shandwas
onmyarm,andeverythinginsidemerelaxedalittle.Hegentlytuggedmyarmfreeandhisfingerssliddowntocirclemywrist,leavingatrailofelectricityintheirwake.
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Thenheplacedhispalmagainstmineandheldmyhandagain,thewayhehadinthemall,onlythistimehisfingerslacedwithmine.“I’mgladyouwroteto
him,”hesaid,hiseyesneverleavingtheroad.“Yeah.Me,too….AndI
wouldn’thavedoneitifitweren’tforyou.So,thanks.”
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Weweresilentforaminute,andIwaskeenlyawareofhishand,stillwrappedaroundmine.Iwasgiddyandnervousandeventually,Ihadtosaysomething.“Anyway…badgiftsaside,
howwereyourholidays?”“Fine,”hesaid.“Quiet.
Momhasn’treallyfeltlikedoingmuchcelebrating.
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Instead,she’sbeenmuchmoreconcernedwithmespendingthebreakfillingoutcollegeapplications.”Igrimaced.“Ugh.Idon’t
evenwanttothinkaboutthat.”“Iknowwhatyoumean,”he
said.“MymomwenttoStanfordandmydadisaPrincetonalum,andthey
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expectmetoattendatopschoolaswell.Atmyoldschool,Iprettymuchwould’vebeenashoo-inwhereverIwantedtogo.Butnowthatwe’vemovedhere,I’malittleworriedaboutmychances.”Hepaused,thenquicklyadded,“That’snotmecomplainingaboutHamilton,bytheway.At
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least,notintentionally.”“No,”Isaid.“Iknow.And
itmakessense.Hamilton’snotexactlyaprepschool.”“It’sgrownonme,though.”
Heclearedhisthroat.“Sowhyareyoustressedaboutcollege?”“BecauseIdon’tthinkIcan
go.”ItwasthefirsttimeI’dsaid
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itoutloud,anddoingsomadeitfeelsomuchmorerealandscary.I’dbeenignoringtheissue—ortryingto—formonths,butnow,withonlyasemesterleftinmysenioryear,Iwasrunningoutofplacestohide.“Butyou’reinAPclasses,”
hesaid.“Thatseemslikealotofstressforsomeonewho
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isn’tcollege-bound.”“Iknow,”Iagreed.“It’snot
thatIdon’twanttogo.But,Imean,howcouldIaffordit?”“Loans?”“Idon’tevenlivewithmy
parents,andIjustlostmyshittypart-timejob.Whointheirrightmindwouldgivemealoan?”“Sowhatareyougoingto
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doaftergraduation?”“Ihavenofuckingidea.”Onceagain,IwasscaredI
mighthavesaidtoomuch.Thathe’drealizeIwasagirlfromaPodunktownwithnofuture.But,justlikeintheparkafewweeksago,hedidn’tseemfazedbythis.Hedidn’tevenletgoofmyhand.Infact,hegaveitasoft,
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reassuringsqueeze.“Don’ttellanyone,”Isaid.
“You’rethefirstoneI’veadmittedthatto.Ihaven’teventoldAmy.Shestillthinkswemightbeabletogotoschooltogether,andIhaven’tbeenabletoletherdownyet.”“Iwon’tsayanything,”he
said.
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“Thankyou.”Hishandstayedinmineas
wedrovethroughthedarkness.AnditwasstilltherewhenwepulledintotheRushes’drivewaytenminuteslater.“Thanksfortheride,”Isaid.Hewasstillholdingmy
hand.“Thanksforthefun
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afternoon,”hesaid.Hewasstillholdingmy
hand.“Soyouhadfunplaying
dress-up,then?”“Don’ttellanyone.”Hewasstillholdingmyhand.Itmayhavebeenthedead
ofwinter,butitfeltlikethehottestsummerdayinthat
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car.Everynerveinmybodywasonend.EverymuscleIpossessedwastense.RyderandIwereinadarkcar,holdinghands,andhewaslookingatme.Reallylookingatme.Staringatmyeyes.Atmylips.Hehadsomenicelips
himself.Hewasabouttokissme.I
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knewit.Istartedtoleantowardhim.Myeyesstartedtoslipshut.Andthen—Hepulledhishandfree,
turnedhishead,andscootedawayfrommesofastthatIwasn’tsureifI’dimaginedeverythingthathadcomebefore.“So…doyouknowifAmy
hasanyplansforNew
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Year’s?”Itwaslikehe’ddroppeda
bucketoficewaterovermyhead.Iwasmortified.Andpissed.Isatbackinmyseatand
usedmynowemptyhandtoundomyseatbelt.“Um…yeah.Ithinkwealreadyhaveplans.Sorry.”Myvoicewas
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coldandbrittle.“Oh.Toobad.”Hewasn’t
lookingatme.Infact,itlookedlikehewasfocusingvery,veryhardonthesteeringwheel.“Right.Well,seeyouat
school,Ryder.”Beforehecouldsayanother
word—notthathewouldhave—Igotoutofthecar
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andhurriedinside,slammingthedoorbehindme.
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“Weshoulddosomething,”Wesleysaidasheslidintotheseatacrossfromme.“Couldyoubemore
specific?”Biancaasked.Shewassittingnexttohim,sippingaCherryCoke.Itwasacoupleofdaysafter
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Christmas,andthefourofus—Wesley,Bianca,Amy,andme—werespendinganeveningattheNest,alocalhangoutpopularwithsomeofHamilton’shighschoolpopulation.AmyandIdefinitely
weren’ttookeenontheplace,butWesleyhadinsistedwegofor“oldtimes’sake.”His
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oldtimes,notours.Butalas,we’dcavedin.Wesleypluckedafrenchfry
fromthebasketinthemiddleofthetable.“Winterbreak’snotthatmuchlonger.WeshoulddosomethingfunbeforewehavetogobacktoNewYork.”“Ithoughtwewerehere
becauseyouthoughtitwould
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befun,”Isaid.“Itis.”“Wewillagreetodisagree.”“Oh,comeon.Thisplaceis
great,”Wesleysaid.“They’rehiring,youknow.Don’tyouneedanewjob?”“There’snotenoughmoney
intheworld,”Isaid,cringingasagroupoffreshmangirlssquealedwithdelightasthey
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ranthroughthefrontdoor.“I’mwithSonnyonthis
one,”Biancasaid.“Amy’swithme,though,
right?”Wesleylookedathissister,whodidn’tdisagreebutalsorefusedtomeethiseyes,whichwastellingenough.“Somethingiswrongwithyouthree.Everyoneelsehereagreesthatthisisthebest
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placetohangoutinHamilton.”“There’snotexactly
competitionforthattitle,”Ipointedout.Wesleyignoredme.“You
know,”hesaid,awickedgrinspreadingacrosshisfaceasheputanarmaroundhisgirlfriend,“thisisthefirstplaceBiancaandIever
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kissed.”Biancasnorted,almost
spittingoutherCherryCoke.“Um,it’salsothefirstplaceIeverthrewadrinkinyourface.”“Hasthathappenedenough
timestowarranta‘first’?”Iasked.Biancanodded,andAmy
andIbothburstoutlaughing.
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Wesley,however,pressedon,undeterred.“Iwasseriousbefore,
though,”hesaid.“Aboutdoingsomethingfunbeforeschoolstartsagain.”“Likewhat?”Amyasked.“Likemaybewecould
throwaparty?”Biancarolledhereyes.
“Again,”shesaid.“Funfor
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who?”“Idon’tseeyoucomingup
withanybetterideas.”“Actually,”shesaid,“I
thinkIhaveone.MygranddadhasacabindowninTennessee,intheSmokyMountains.Momisconstantlynaggingmetobringsomefriendsdowntostaythereforalongweekend.
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We’dhavetheplacetoourselves.”“Oh,”Amysaid,perking
up.“Thatsoundsfun.”“Actually,itdoes,”Wesley
admitted.Ilookeddownatthesurface
ofthetable.Ithadbeencarvedupovertheyears,namesanddatesandcursewordscutintothewood.I
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focusedonit,pretendingtoreadasthethreeofthemdiscussedplanstoheaddowntoTennesseeinafewdays.Itriedtothinkofsomethingelse,ofmyownplansforNewYear’sEve,butthepulsingrhythmoftheelectronicdancemusickeptmybrainfromgettingtoofar.“We’llleaveonThursday,
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then,”Biancasaid.“Afewdaysinthemountains.I’llletMomknow.She’llbethrilledthatsomeoneisfinallyusingtheplace.”“Isthereahottub?”Wesley
asked.Biancadidn’tanswer.“It’ll
becold,butit’sagorgeousplacetohike.Sopacksomebootsifyouhavethem.”
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“Ijustgotanewpair,”Amysaid.“Excellent.Whataboutyou,
Sonny?”Myheadjerkedup.“Huh?”“Boots,”Biancasaid.“Do
youhavesome?Ifyoudon’t,Ihaveanextrapairthatmightfit.Whatsizeshoeareyou?”“Oh.Sizeseven,but…”Thetruthwas,ascloseasI
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felttoWesley,Ididn’tknowBiancathatwell.I’dmetherseveraltimesovertheyears,sure,wheneversheandWesleywerehomeforholidaybreaks,andIlikedheralot.We’dhungoutplenty,butitwasalwayswithWesleyandAmy.Sheknewmethroughthem,andIdoubtedshesawmeasa
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friend.Morelikeanoccasional,not-entirely-unpleasanttagalong.Iwasn’tsomeoneshelikedwellenoughtoinvitetohergrandfather’scabin.I’dassumedthisdiscussionrelatedstrictlytothetwoRushsiblingsatthetable.“Butwhat?”Biancasaid.
“You’recomingwithus,
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aren’tyou?”“Ifyouwantmeto,”Isaid.
“Ijustfigureditwouldbethethreeofyou.Afamilytriporsomething.”“Youarefamily.”Wesley
saiditlikeitwasthemostobviousthingintheworld.Likeitwassomethingnoonecoulddeny.Theskywasblue,theEarthrevolved
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aroundthesun,andIwasfamily.Ifeltanembarrassing,
unexpectedlumprisinginmythroat.Luckily,BiancachimedinbeforeIhadto.“Ofcourseyou’reinvited,”
shesaid.“Doyouthinkwe’reassholeswhowouldtalkaboutthetriprightinfrontofyouifyouweren’t?”
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“No,but—”“Besides,”shesaid,cutting
meoff.“EverywhereAmygoes,yougo,right?Youtwoarelikeapackagedeal.”IglancedatAmy,whowas
selectingafrenchfryfromthebasket.Maybewewereapackagedeal,butlately,ithadn’tbeenaprettypackage.Shewasstillactingalittle
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distant,andshepracticallyshutdownanytimeImentionedRyder,givingmonosyllabicrepliesuntilshefoundawaytochangethesubjectorareasontoleavetheroom.Maybegettingawayfromit
all,takingthistripwithWesleyandBianca,wouldbegoodforus.
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“Okay,”Isaid.“I’mcoming.”Biancasmiledatme.“Excellent,”Wesleysaid,a
twinkleinhiseyes.“SomeonewillhavetokeepAmyoccupiedwhileBiancaandIsneakoffto—”“Ew!”AmyandIboth
shrieked.“Perv,”Biancasaid,butshe
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waslaughing.“Iwasgoingtosaytogohiking,”Wesleysaid,allmockinnocence.“It’syouthreewhohaveyourmindsinthegutter.”“Sure.Whateveryousay.”
Biancapoppedthelastfryintohermouth.“Nowcanwego?I’malmosttwenty-one.Ifeellikeacreepyoldladyin
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here.”Onourwayout,Iriskeda
glanceoveratAmy.Shecaughtmeandgaveasmallsmile.Itwasn’tfake,butitwasn’tquiterealeither.ItoldmyselfIwouldfixit.
Thatafewdaysinthemountainswouldbringuscloseragain.Unfortunately,thingsgot
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worsebeforetheygotbetter.
***
“Hey,Sonny?”Ilookedupfromthe
suitcaseIwaspackingtofindAmystandinginthedoorwayoftheguestroom.Therewasasweaterslungoverhershoulderandapairofbootsinherhand,andIknewshemust’vebeenpacking,too.
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WeweresettoleaveforTennesseeearlythenextmorning.We’dbegoneonlyafewdays,butBiancahadwarnedusthatitwouldbecoldinthemountains,solayerswererequired.Prettymuchmyentirewardrobewasfoldedintothesuitcase,plusapairofsnowbootsIhadborrowedfromMrs.
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Rush.“What’sup?”“Nothing.Iwasjust
wonderingifIcouldgetmyphonebackfromyou?”sheasked.“Nowthatyouhaveone,Ifigureyoudon’tneedmineanymore.”“Oh,right.”Istoodupand
glancedaround,tryingtorememberwhereI’dleftit.
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“I’msorry.Icompletelyforgottogivethatback.”“Nobigdeal.It’snotlikeI
missedanycalls.”Ifounditinthepocketof
somedirtyjeans,waddeduponthefloor.Iheldthephoneouttoherandshetookitwithherfreehand.“Thanks,”shesaid.“Are
youalmostdonepacking?”
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“Yep.Goteverythingbutmytoothbrush.”“Definitelydon’tforget
that.”“Amy,areyousayingIhave
badmorningbreath?”Iasked,feigninginsult.“I’mdevastated.”Shegavealittlegiggle,but
Inoticedshedidn’tdenymyaccusationeither.“I’m
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lookingforwardtothis,”shesaid.“Thistrip,Imean.Ithinkit’llbegoodtogetoutofHamiltonforafewdays.Justthefourofus,youknow?Noschool.Nodistractions.”NoRyder.Shedidn’tsayit,butshe
didn’thaveto.Iknewwhatshewasthinking.“Me,too,”Isaid.
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“Well,Ishouldfinishpacking.Thanksforthephone.”“Yeah.Noproblem.”Whenshewasgone,Iwent
backtomysuitcaseandbegantozipitshut.I’donlymovedthezipperacoupleincheswhenIheardthelittletrillfromdownthehall.Thefamiliarsoundofatext
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messagecomingthroughonAmy’sphone.Amy’sphone.Amynevergottext
messages.ExceptfromRyder.ThenIrealizedwithhorror
thatIhadn’tdeletedthelastfewtextmessageswe’dsent.Theywerefromafewdaysago—beforeChristmas,
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beforeouralmost-kissinhiscar—and,tomakemattersworse,theywereofthesexiervariety.“Oh,shit!”Ijumpedtomyfeetand
sprinteddownthehall,flingingopenAmy’sbedroomdoor.Butitwastoolate.Shewasholdingthephone,
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staringdownatthescreenwithwideeyes.“Amy,”Isaidslowly,my
heartracing.Shelookedupatme,her
shockmeltingintoanexpressionI’drarelyseenherwear.Fury.“You’vebeentextinghim?”
sheasked.“You’vebeen
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textinghimthesemessagesandpretendingtobeme?”“Icanexplain,”Isaid.
Becausethat’swhateveryonesaidinasituationlikethis.Inreality,though,Ididn’tevenhaveagoodlietocovermyass.“Idon’tthinkyoucan,”she
said.Hervoicewassocalm,soquiet,thatitsentchillsup
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myspine.Thesharpcontrastbetweenhertoneandherblazingeyeswasterrifying.“Youweresupposedtobemakinghimnotlikeme.Youweresupposedtobescaringhimoffsohe’dlikeyou.Sowecouldbedonewiththis.Butallthistimeyou’vebeen…”Shelookeddownatthephoneagain.“HethinksI
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sentthese?”“Amy…”Shethrewthephoneonthe
bedandturnedawayfromme.“Ihavetofinishpacking.”“Amy,I’m—”“Justgo,Sonny.”She
wasn’tlookingatme.“Just…Justgetoutofmyroom.”Itwasthefirsttimeshe’d
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everkickedmeoutofherroom.Beforeithadbeenmychoice,mydecisiontogiveherspace.Butthistime…Thistimeshewastellingme
toleave.Andshehadeveryrightto.BecauseI’dreallyfuckedup
thistime.
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Itwasanalmost-seven-hourdrivefromHamiltontoBianca’sgrandfather’scabininTennessee.Anditwaspossiblythe
mostpainfulsevenhoursofmylife.ThoughIwouldsaythe
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feelingwasmutualforeveryoneinthecar,foronereasonoranother.Tostartwith,Wesley
insistedontakingthePorsche.“Therearefourofus,”
Biancaargued.WewerestandingoutsidetheRushes’housethenextmorning,readytogo.
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Amyhadn’tsaidawordtomesinceshe’dkickedmeoutofherroomthenightbefore.“Therearefourseats,”
Wesleysaid.“Areyouactuallycounting
thatbackseatasaseat?”Biancaasked.“Because,havingsatbacktherebefore,I’dbegtodiffer.”“Well,wecan’ttakeyour
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car,”hesaid,pickingupherduffelbagandtossingitintothetrunk.Although,isitcalledatrunkwhenit’satthefrontofthecar?Iwasreallyconfusedaboutthis,butitdidn’tseemliketheappropriatetimetoask.“Youstillhaven’tgottenthatheaterfixed.AndIknowSonny’scarisoutoftheshop,butdo
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youreallytrustthatthingtogetusacrossstatelines?”Hepickedupmylittlesuitcaseandshoveditintothetrunk,too.Itwasareallysmalltrunk,andIwasn’tsureallofourstuffwouldfit.“WhataboutAmy’scar?”
Biancaasked.Wesleyputthelastbaginto
thetrunkand,withwhat
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seemedlikegreateffort,shutthehood.“Toolate,”hesaid.“We’realreadypacked.”Biancagroaned.“You’re
suchanass.”“Anasswithanicecar.”“Anice,impracticalcar.”“Andhavingabroken
heaterforthreeyearsispractical?”“I’mhardlyeverhometo
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drivethething!”IglancedoveratAmy,who
—ratherpointedly,ifImaysayso—didnotlookatme.SinceBiancaandIwerethe
verticallychallengedmembersofthisfoursome,wewereplacedinthe,aspreviouslynoted,tiny-as-hellbackseat.Mykneeswerecrampingwithintenminutes,
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andwehadalongwaytogo.Andinacarthatsmall,
therewasnohidingthetensionbetweentwobestfriendswhowerenotonspeakingterms.Particularlywhentheothertwopassengerswereofabanteringnature.“OhmyGod,Wesley,”
Biancasaid.“Wearenot
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listeningtothisshitallthewaytoTennessee.”“BillyJoelishardly‘shit,’
thankyou.”“IlikeBillyJoel,butnot
sevenhoursofBillyJoel.”Biancaturnedtome.“He’sbeenobsessedwith‘NewYorkStateofMind’formonths.Ican’tanymore.Sonny,Amy,backmeup.”
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ButAmyjustshrugged,andIfelttooweirdarguingwitheitherBiancaorWesley,evenifitwasinjest.Mygutwastellingmetokeepmymouthshutforonce.AtleastaroundAmy.MyfoolishhopewasthatifIwasquietlongenough,she’dcooldownaboutlastnight’slittlediscovery.Ididn’twantto
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fantheflamesbysayingsomethingunintentionallyinfuriating.“Silence?”Wesleyasked.
“Really?Fromyoutwo?”“Seriously,”Biancasaid.
“Areyouguysokay?”“I’mfine,”Amysaid.But
therewasthatlittleinflection,thatslightlyclippedtone,thattoldmeshedefinitelywasn’t.
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“Me,too,”Imumbled.“Okay…,”Wesleysaid.InoticedhisandBianca’s
eyesmeetintherearviewmirror.Thiswentonforever.And
BiancaandWesleyjustdidn’tknowwhentogiveitarest.“No,thatwasn’tourexit,
Bianca.I’mpositive.”“Excuseme?Whointhis
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carhasactuallybeentothiscabinbefore?”“Andwhohastheworse
senseofdirection?”“Idonot.”“Yougotlostinmidtown
Manhattan.Thisyear.You’vebeengoingtoschoolthereforhowlong?”“Itcouldhappento
anyone.”
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“Thestreetsarenumbered,”Wesleypointedout.“It’sagrid.”“Imighttrustyoumoreif
youusedtheGPSonyourphonetogetusthere.”“Ican’t.Thevoiceis
annoying.”“Yourvoiceisannoying,”
Biancasnorted.“Aw.Iloveyou,too.”
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Shelaughed.“Okay,let’sasktherestofthecar.Ladies,whodoyoutrusttogetyoutothecabinsafely?Thepersonwhohasbeentherebefore—”“Andwhogetslostinher
owndormbuilding.”“Shutup.That’snoteven
true.”Biancaclearedherthroat.“Thepersonwhohas
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actuallybeenthere,orthecockyjerkwhowon’tevenuseaGPS?”Butalltheygotwereshrugs.Theymadeafewmore
attemptsbeforefinallygivinguponconvincingAmyormetospeak.Theytalkedalittlemore,
buteventuallyeventheyfellsilent,swallowedupbythe
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potentblendofhostilityanduneasefillingthecabofthePorsche.Evenasmykneesached,I
stayedasstillaspossible,worriedmymovementsmayjostlethebackofAmy’sseat.Itwasdumb,Iknew.Itwasn’tlikenudgingheralittletogetcomfortablewouldmakeherhatemeany
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morethanshealreadydid,butthefearhadcreptupinsideofmeandwrappeditselfaroundmychestlikeaboaconstrictor.Thewide,flathighways
eventuallyturnedintonarrow,windingbackroadsthattwistedtheirwaythroughrolling,faintlybluehills.Myanxietyandachingknees
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aside,itwasabeautifuldrive.Atlong,longlast,Wesley
madeaturnontoagraveldrivewaythattwistedthroughtalltreesbeforecomingtoastopinfrontofaquaintlittlecabin.Itwassmallbutwellkept.
Thefrontporchhadaswinginonecorner,andalayerofsnowcoveredtheroof.
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Honestly,itlookedlikethepictureyou’dfindonaHallmarkChristmascard.“Oh,thankGod,”Iheard
BiancamutterunderherbreathasWesleyshutofftheignition.Ditto,Ithought.Thefourofusclimbedout
ofthecarandretrievedourstufffromthefront-trunk.
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Biancafoundthehiddenkeybeneaththedoormatandunlockedthedoor.Theinteriorwaspretty
plain,butcozy.TherewasanoldboxTV,afireplace,andahallwaythatledbacktothebedrooms.Ofwhichtherewereonly
two.WhichmeantIwasbackto
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sharingwithAmy.“Thiswillbeyourroom,”
Biancasaid,openingthedoortothesmallerofthetworooms.Itwasplain,too,withasmallclosetandaqueen-sizebedshovedupagainstthefarwall.AmyandIglancedateach
other,thenbackatthesmallroom.
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“Yeah,”Biancasaidslowly.“I’mgonnaletyoutwosettlein.”Andthensheduckedoutoftheresofastshemighthavebeenmistakenforacartooncharacterontherun.Ishutthedoorbehindher
beforeturningtoAmyandofferingasmallsmile.“Cutehouse,”Isaid.“Yeah.”
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“It’llbeafuntrip.”“Mm-hm.”“Nicetogetawayforafew
days.”“Definitely.”ThatwasallIcouldgetout
ofher:one-wordanswers.Butitwasn’tasifshewas
likethiswitheveryone.Asthefirstnightandnextdayworeon,Icaughthertalking
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toBiancaandtoherbrother,laughingwiththem,even.ButtheminuteIenteredtheroom,hermouthshut.She’dbeendistantsince
BlackFriday,butnothinglikethis.Andwithnocellphone
serviceandnowhereelsetogo,itdidn’ttakelongforthesilencetostartgettingtome.
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***
Itwasfreezinginthemountains.Althoughitwasfarcolder
insidethecabinthanout.BiancaandWesleytriedto
fillthesilencewithbanterandmockarguments.Ormaybenot“mock”arguments.Itwasalwayshardtotellwiththem.I
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wasn’tsurehowawaretheywereoftheintenseteenangstthatwasbrewing,butIhadtogivethemsomecreditforattemptingtodefusetheawkward.Still,Ispentmostofmy
timeoutside,hikinginthesnowandbitterwind.Melancholymoodaside,Icouldn’tdenyhowprettythe
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mountainswere.Theywereblueandmisty,andmorelowandroundedthanI’drealized.They’dbeenquiteaptlydubbedtheSmokyMountains,becausetheyreallydidlooklikebillowingpuffsofsmoke.OntheafternoonofNew
Year’sEve,Iheadedoutofthecabinforanotherhike.
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MyskinwasdryandcrackedfromallthehoursI’dspentinthefreezingcoldoverthepastfewdays,butitwastheonlywaytokeepfromgoinginsane.SoIputonmybootsand
pulledahatdownovermycurlsbeforeheadingoutthedoor.AndranrightintoBianca
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andWesley.Makingoutontheporch.“Jesus,”Isaidastheybroke
apart.Biancalookedappropriatelysheepish.Wesley,ontheotherhand,justgrinned.“Youtwohaveyourownroom.Inthehouse.Whereit’swarm.”Biancaclearedherthroat
andshookthecarkeysinher
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hand.“Iwasjust…onmyway.Youneedanythingfromthegrocerystore,Sonny?I’mgettinglotsofsnacksfortheballdrop.”“Thanks,butI’mgood.Not
reallyfeelingthatfestive.”BiancaandWesleyglanced
ateachother,thenshestartedbackingofftheporch.“Well,givemeacallifyouchange
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yourmind.”“There’snocellreception,”
Wesleyremindedher.“ThenIhopeyoudon’t
changeyourmind.I’llbeback.”Shehoppedofftheporch,
herfeetcrunchinginthesnow,andunlockedWesley’scarbeforeslidinginside.“Youletherdrivethe
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Porsche?”Iaskedhim.“Iletherdowhatevershe
wants,”hesaid.Iwasn’tsureiftherewasa
lasciviousnoteinthatresponseornot.WewatchedasthePorsche
droveoff,disappearingdownthelong,windingdriveway.Onceithadgone,Istarteddownthewoodensteps.“See
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youlater.”Wesleyfollowedme.
“Whereareyougoing?”“Onahike.”“I’lljoinyou.”Itwasn’taquestion.Wemadeourwayaround
thesideofthecabin,towardthethickestpartofthewoodsandsomeofthebesttrails.Snowclungtothebare,
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skeletontrees,somehigherthananyI’deverseen.Neitherofusspokeforafewminutes,andIstartedtothinkthatthiswalkmightactuallypassinsilence.But,ofcourse,thiswasWesley.Hewasn’tknownforbeingquiet.Orformindinghisown
business.“Sowhat’sgoingonwith
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youandAmy?”“Whatdoyoumean?”ButevenI,convincingasI
typicallywas,couldn’tplaydumbonthis.EspeciallynotwithWesley,who’dknownbothofussinceweweretoddlers.“Comeon,”hesaid,rolling
hiseyes.“You’vebarelyspokensincewegothere.
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Amymightbethequiettype,butyouaremostdefinitelynot.”“Thatdoesn’tmeanthere’s
somethingwrongwithmeandAmy.”“Yes,itdoes,”Wesleysaid.
“She’sactingweird,too.Comeon.Justtellme.I’llnagyouuntilyoudo.”Unfortunately,Iknewhe
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wasn’tbluffing.IalsoknewthatifIdidn’ttellhimonthiswalk,he’dgetBiancainonhelpinghimandI’dneverescape.Mightaswellgetitoverwith.Ishovedmyhandsdeepinto
thepocketsofmycoat.“It’s…it’saboutaboy.”Wesleyraisedaneyebrow.
“Seriously?Aguyiswhat’s
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comingbetweenyoutwo?”“No,”Isaid.“Well…yes.
Butnotinthewayyouthink.It’scomplicated.Amydoesn’tlikehim.Ido.”“Sowhat’stheproblem,
then?”“It’scomplicated.”“Asyou’vesaid.Butwe
havelotsoftimetohike.Whichmeanslotsoftimefor
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youtoexplain.”God,hewaspersistent.How
thehelldidBiancaputupwithit?Iduckedunderalow-
hangingtreebranch,bothtoavoidhiseyesandtosavemyselffromgettingsmackedintheface.“He’snewinHamilton,andhe’skindofatool.IthoughtIhatedhim,
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butthenIgottoknowhimandhe’snotsobad….He’skindofgreat,actually.”“Doesn’tsoundtoo
complicatedsofar.”“Well,here’swhereitstarts,
then,becausehelikesAmy.”“Oh.”“Yeah.”Wesleythoughtaboutthis
foralongmomentaswe
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wovebetweenthetrees,ourfeetsinkingdeepintothesnow.“Doesthisguy—thiskindofatool,kindofgreatguy—knowthatyoulikehim?”Ishookmyhead.“Sohowdoyouknowthat
hedoesn’tlikeyou?”“PleaseexcusemewhileI
havehorrifyingmiddleschool
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flashbackstriggeredentirelybythisconversation.”Helaughed.“Fine.Better
question.Whydoyoulikehim?”“He’s…”Ismiledalittleas
asnowflakedrifteddownandlandedonthetipofmynose.“He’salotlikeme.Hegetsmeinawayaguyneverhasbefore.AndIthinkIgethim,
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too.”Wesleygrinned.“Wow,”he
said.“That’sshockinglysentimentalcomingfromyou.I’veneverheardyousaysomethingsoheartfeltaboutanyonebesidesAmy.”Imighthaveblushedifmy
facewasn’tmomentsfrombecominganicecube.“Youshouldtellhimhow
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youfeel,”hesaid.Itwassononchalant.Socasual.Likewhathewassuggestingwasthesimplestthingintheworld.Ihadnoideahewasso
dumb.“Ican’t.”“Whynot?”“It’scomplicated.”“We’vealreadyestablished
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this.”Ibitmylip.“Fromwhatyou’vesaid,it
soundslikehemightfeelthesamewayaboutyou.”“I’vebarelysaidanything,”
Ipointedout.“And,no.HelikesAmy.She’ssweetandgorgeousandI’m…”“You’rewhat?”Hewasn’tlettingmeoffthe
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hook.“AndI’m…notAmy.”Wesleystoppedandputhis
glovedhandonmyarm,turningmetofacehim.Ihadtotiltmyheaduptomeethiseyes.“Okay,”hesaid.“Listento
me.First,stopcomparingyourselftoAmy.”“There’snocomparison—”
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“Stop.”Heglaredatme,daringmetospeakagain.Ididn’t,andhecontinued.“You’vegottostopsizingyourselfup.Iknowitseemslikeitmattersnow—Iusedtothinkso,too—butitdoesn’t.Trustme.”Irolledmyeyes.Thatwas
easyforhimtosay.HewasaRush.Hewasgorgeousand
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wellliked.Anditwasn’tlikeIthoughtIwashideousoranything.IjustknewthatsomeonewhofoundAmyattractiveprobablywouldn’tbeasinterestedinme.“Second,”Wesleysaid,
drawingmyattentionback.“Areyoureallygoingtoletthisgetbetweenyouandmysister?”
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Guilttwistedmystomach,andIswallowed.“Idon’twantitto.”“Thendon’t,”hesaid.“This
guymightbeasgreatasyousay,butyoutwohavesomethingspecial.You’vebeeninseparablefromtheminuteyoumet.Likepeanutbutterandjelly.”“Ew.”
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“Right.Iforgetyoudon’tlikepeanutbutterandjelly…butAmyneverforgets.Didyouknowthatwhenourparentstookyoutwotothebeachaskids,Amywouldmakeyoursandwichesherself?Dadwouldalwaysforgetandmakepeanutbutterandjellyforeveryone.SoAmywouldmakeyoua
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differentsandwichandpackitherself.”Ilookeddownatmyfeet.I
didn’tknowthat,butitdidn’tsurpriseme.“Idon’tknowexactly
what’sgoingonwithyoutwo,”headmitted.“Idon’tknowhowthisguyfiguresintoit.ButIdoknowthatbothofyouwillregretitif
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youdon’tfixthings.”“Shewon’ttalktome,”I
said.“HowcanIfixthingsifshewon’ttalktome?”“Bepatientwithher,”he
said.“YouknowAmy.She’snotlikeyouandme.Sometimesittakesherawhiletoputwordstowhatshe’sfeeling.She’llcometoyouwhenshe’sready.”
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“Yeah,”Isaid,sighing.“You’reright.”“Iknow.Iusuallyam.”Isnorted.“Whateveryou
say.”“Comeon.Let’sheadback
tothehouse.BiancawillkillmeifIdieoffrostbiteathergrandfather’scabin.”“Butyou’dalreadybedead,
so…”
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“Thatwouldn’tstopher.”Wegotturnedaroundafew
timesonthewayback—inourconversation,bothWesleyandIhadforgottentopayattentiontowhereweweregoing.JustwhenmorbidthoughtsoftheDonnerPartywerestartingtopopintomyhead,wespottedthecabinandmadeourwaytowardit.
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WeroundedthecornerofthecabinjustashisPorschebeganmakingitswayupthedriveway.“Hey,Sonny.Seriously,just
telltheguyhowyoufeel,”Wesleysaid,eventhoughthatconversationhadlongsincebeendropped.“But—”“Anddon’tassumeyou
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knowhowhefeels,”hesaidfirmly.“Youcan’treadhismind.Givehimachance.Hemightsurpriseyou.”Hesmiled,watchingBiancaassheclimbedfromthecar.“Hey,”sheyelled,waving
himover.“Areyougonnacomehelpmewiththesegroceriesornot?”Hissmileturnedtoagrinas
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hehurriedtoher,ourconversationclearlycompletelyvanishingfromhismind.“What’sinitforme?”heaskedassherolledhereyesandshovedabagintohishands.Ihungback,watchingthem
foralongmoment.Wesley’swordshadleftmealittleastunned.Ryderhadsaid
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almosttheexactsamethingwhenheencouragedmetocontactmydad.Andhe’dsortofimpliedit
aboutme.MaybeWesleywasright.
MaybeRyderwouldsurprisemeifIjustgavehimachance.AndasforAmy,Ijust
neededtobepatient.She’d
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cometomeeventually,andwe’dworkthingsoutwhenshedid.
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Biancahadn’tdisappointedwhenitcametosnacksforthenight.Sheboughtcandy,popcorn,andagallonofchocolate-swirlicecream.NottomentionmoreCherryCokethanapersoncouldorshouldevendrinkintwo
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days,whichwasallthatremainedofourAppalachianadventure.Thefourofuspiledintothe
livingroom,thefireplaceblazing,towatchtheballdrop.Amystayedquiet,assheusuallydidwhenIwasintheroomnow,butItriedtokeepmyspiritsup.PartlybecauseofwhatWesleyhad
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said—knowingthatwhenAmywasready,she’dtalktome—butmostlyforBianca’ssake.Thistriphadbeenheridea,afterall,andIhadn’tbeenthemostpleasantguest.“Yousureyoudon’twant
anyicecream,Amy?”Biancaasked.“No,thankyou,”Amysaid.
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“Noteveryonelikesicecreaminthedeadofwinter,”Wesleysaid.Biancashuthimupby
shovingaspoonfuloficecreaminhismouth.Hereeledback,cuppinghishandsoverhishead.“Oh,I’msorry,”Biancateased.“Brainfreeze?”Wesleytookafewdeep
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breaths,thenlookedup.“You’regoingtopayforthat,”hesaidjustbeforeleapingontopofher.Sheshriekedashebegantoticklehersides.Itwastoodisgustingly
adorable,andIhadtolookaway.WhichwaswhenIcaughtAmy’seye.Shewaswatchingme,I
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realized.Igaveherasmallsmile,butitfellfastwhenshelookedaway.“IthinkI’mgonnagoto
bed,”shesaid,gettingtoherfeet.BiancaandWesleysatup,
bothstilllaughing.“It’sonlyeleven-thirty,”
Biancasaid.“Areyousure?”“Yeah.I’malittletired.I’m
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sorry.”“Okay,well…we’llsee
youinthemorning.”“Goodnight,Amy,”Wesley
said.“Goodnight.”Shestarted
downthehallway,towardourlittleroom,thenstoppedandlookedback.“Hey,Sonny?”Iturnedtoher,surprised
andalittlehopeful.“Yeah?”
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“Willyoucometalktomeforaminute?”“Sure,”Isaid.“Ofcourse.”Istoodup,thenlookedover
atWesley,whowasgivingmeaveryI-told-you-solook.“Night,”Isaid,andleft
BiancaandWesleyaloneinthelivingroom,waitingfortheballtodrop.IfollowedAmyintoour
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roomandquietlyshutthedoorbehindme.Amysatdownonthebed,chewingonherbottomlip.Iremainedstanding,leaningagainstthewall.“So,I’vebeenthinking…
aboutthiswholeRyderthing,”shesaid.“Amy,I’msosorryabout
thetexts,”Isaid,unableto
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holditback.“Iknowitwaswrong.IknewitevenwhenIdidit,andyouhaveeveryrighttobepissedatme.ButIswear,itwon’thappenagain.”“Iappreciatethat,but—”“Imean,youhaveyour
phonebacknow,”Isaid.“AndIhaven’tIMedRyderinforever,sothecatfishingis
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over.”“Good…”Shetookadeep
breath.“Butit’smorethanjustthat.”“Iknow,”Isaid.“Thetexts
werekindofdirtyandthat’sweirdforyou,andI’mreally—”“Sonny,no,”shesaid.“I
mean,yes.It’sweird.Butthat’snotwhatI’mtryingto
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say.”“Well,then,sayit.”“I’mtrying.”Shesighed.“I
knowyoureallylikehim.AndIknowyoudidn’tmeantoupsetme.You’dnevermeantodothat.But…thiswholethinghasgoneonalotlongerthanIthought.”“Whatwholething?”“Yourplan,”shesaid.“To
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makeRyderlikeyouandnotlikeme.Meactingweirdandrudearoundhim.Ijust…Ireallydon’tfeelcomfortabledoingit.”“Iknow,”Isaid.“Iknow.
Butwe’resoclose.”Imovedtositonthebedbesideher.“Really,reallyclose,Amy.Itwon’ttakemuchlonger.”“You’vesaidthatfromthe
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start,”shesaid.Shewasn’twrongabout
that.“But,Amy—”“Wait.Just…letme
finish.”Shetuggedonacurlandstaredatthewallforasecond,silent.“Iknowyoulikehim,”shesaidagain.“ButIdon’tthinkIcandothisanymore.Ican’tkeep
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lying.I’mnotgoodatitthewayyouare.AndIdon’tlikebeingrude.AndIdon’tlikehimthinkingI’vebeensendingthosetexts—”“Itoldyou.Idon’tdothat
anymore.”“Butit’salreadybeen
done,”shesaid.“Andhethinksitwasmewhosentthem.”
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“So…whatareyousaying?”Iasked.“IguessI’msayingthatI
wantout,”shesaid.“Idon’twanttodothisanymore.”“Butyousaidyou’dhelp
me.”“Itdidn’tfeellikeIhada
choice,”sheadmitted.“AndIdidn’tthinkitwouldgothisfar.I’msorry,Sonny.Ijust
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…Ican’t.”Shewrungherhandsinherlapandtookanotherdeepbreath.“And…andIwantyoutotellhimthetruth.Thatnoneofitwasme.”“Oh.”Ihadn’tseenthatlast
partcoming.“Ijust…Ithinkheshould
know,”shesaid.Everywordseemedtocosthersomething.
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“AndIneedhimtoknow.It’llbebetterforallofus.”Inodded,butinsideIwasa
messoffeelings.AngeratAmy,guilt,regret,heartbreak.BecauseforallthegoodthingsWesleyhadsaidonourhikethatday,aboutRydermaybesurprisingme,Iknewitdidn’tmatternow.
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IfAmywasn’tgoingtoplayalonganymore,Ididn’thaveachoice.Iwasgoingtohavetocomeclean,andthatmeantIhadnochancewithRyder.Allofourprogresshadbeenfornothing.“I’msorry,”shesaidagain.“Iunderstand,”Isaid.AndIdid.AsupsetasIwas
thatshewasbailing,Iknew
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whyshewantedout.Thisschemehadgoneonalotlongerthaneitherofushadexpected,andI’dknownforawhileshewasn’thappyaboutit.I’djusthopedthatifIpressedon,thingswouldgetbetter.Theyhadn’t.“So…you’lltellhim?”she
asked.
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“Yeah,”Isaid.“IguessIwill.”“Thankyou.”Shewrapped
herarmsaroundmyshouldersandrestedherheadontopofmine.“Thankyouforunderstanding.”Aswechangedintoour
pajamasandclimbedintothebed,Itriedtolookonthebrightside.Everythingwas
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abouttocrumblewithRyder,butatleastIhadAmyback.That’swhatreallymattered,
right?ItwaslikeWesleysaid.AmyandIhadbeentogetherforever.Weneededeachother.Itwouldbecrazytoletaguy—evenagreatguylikeRyder—comebetweenus.Thatdidn’tmakewhatshe
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wasaskingeasy,though.Intheotherroom,Bianca
andWesleycheeredasthetelevisioncounteddown.“Three!Two!One!”“HappyNewYear,Sonny,”
Amywhispered.“HappyNewYear.”
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IwasdreadinghistoryclassonWednesdaymorning,thefirstdaybackfrombreak.Notonlywoulditbemy
firsttimeseeingRydersinceouralmost-kissintheRushes’drivewayandmyfirstcontactwithhimsince
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I’dpromisedAmyI’dtellhimthetruth,butwewerealsobeginningourunitonWorldWarI,whichI—personally—foundsuperboring.Ihadn’tfiguredoutyet
whenorhowIwasgoingtoconfessmymyriadofliestotheboyofmydreams,butIhadafeelingthatdoingitat
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school,witheveryonearound,wasabadidea.Whilepartofmewasgladtohavealittlemoretime,anotherpartjustwantedtoripoffthedamnBand-Aidandgetitoverwith.ItwasgoingtobeuglynomatterwhenIdidit,andIknew,withoutadoubt,thatitwouldendanyhopeI’dhadofwinninghimoverinthe
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longrun.Whichwaswhyseeinghim
smileupatmewhenIwalkedintoclassthatmorningwassoincrediblypainful.“Hey,Sonny,”hesaid,
swivelinginhisseattofacemeasIsatdownbehindhim.Hegavemeaslightlynervoussmileandadjustedhisthick-framedglasses.
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“Howwastherestofyourbreak?”“Good,”ImumbledasI
pulledoutmytextbook.“Howwasyours?”“Itwasfine.”Therewasalong,awkward
pause.Ifidgetedinmyseatandfiddledwiththepagesofmybook.Finally,Ilookedupandcaughthimwatchingme.
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IexpectedhimtoaskaboutAmy,buthedidn’t.“Youokay?”heasked.“Youseemalittle…off.”Hewasright.Sonny
Ardmorewasn’tknownforavoidingpeople’seyes.Orformumbling.TodayIwasdefinitely“off.”Ishookmyhead.“I’m
good.Just…tryingtoget
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backintotheswingofthings.It’salwayshardafteralongbreak….AndyouknowhowmuchIhatetalkingaboutWorldWarOne.”Helaughed.“Yes.Ithink
thewholeclassdoes.You’vebeenprettyvocalaboutit.YouactuallyaskedMr.Buckleyifwecouldskipthewholeunitlastsemester.”
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“AndI’mgoingtoaskagain,”Iassuredhim.“Persistenceisavirtue.”“Ithoughtpatiencewasa
virtue.”“AvirtueIlack.”Oh,no.Iwasdoingitagain.
Sinkingintotherhythmofourconversation,lettingmyselfgetsweptupinit.Ineededtostopthis.Icouldn’t
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letmyselffallanyharderforhim.Notwhenitwasallabouttogoupinflames.TimetogetstartedonthatBand-Aid.“Hey,listen,Ryder,”Isaid.
“Areyou…areyoubusythisweekend?”Heraisedaneyebrow,andI
realizedwithajoltwhatmyquestionmusthavesounded
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like.“Justtohangout…as
friends,”Iadded.IalmosttoldhimthatIneededtotalktohimaboutsomething,butIknewthatwouldjustsolicittoomanyquestions.Iwantedtotellhimontheweekend,sometimewhenhewouldn’thavetoseemethenextday.Ifigureditwouldbekinderto
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thebothofus.“Actually,”hesaid,
brightening,“Iwasgoingtoinviteyoutoaparty.I’vesomehowmanagedtoacquireaninvitationtoChrisLawson’sonFridaynight.Iguessmyeffortstobelessofanassholehavepaidoff.”Apartywasn’texactlythe
scenarioI’dhadinmind—
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again,toomanyofourclassmateswouldbearound.Butatleastthemusicwouldbeloudenoughthat,hopefully,noonewouldhearhimscreamingatme.OrmaybeIcouldpullhimintoabedroomorsomewhereoutside.Or,evenbetter,IcouldgethimdrunkbeforeItoldhimthetruth.
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OrmaybeIjustsecretlywantedtogotoapartywithRyderCrossatleastonetimebeforethisallfellapart.“Thatsoundsgreat,”Isaid.
Butthen,knowingwhathemightsaynext,Ipreemptivelyadded,“Idon’tthinkAmycancome,though.She’sgotplansthisFriday.Withherparents.”
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“Oh,”hesaid.Buthedidn’tlookasdisappointedasI’dexpected.Itriednottoreadtoomuchintothat.“Well,that’sfine.Wecanstillhangout,right?”“Yeah,”Isaid.“Sure.If
you’reokaywiththat.”“Iam,”hesaid.Hesmiled.
“It’llbefun.I’mactuallyexcitedtogotoapartyhere.
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Maybefinallymakesomefriends.ShowpeopleI’mnotapretentioussnob.”“Oh,Ryder.”Isighed.“You
areapretentioussnob…butyouhaveafewredeemingqualities.Namelythatyou’rerich.”“Ha-ha,”hesaid.“Iwas
wrong.You’renotofftoday.You’reverySonny.”
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“Andby‘Sonny,’youmeandelightful?”Mr.Buckleywalkedinthen,
andRyderhadtoturnbackaroundinhisseat.Iwasrelieved,honestly.ThemoreItalkedtoRyder,thelessIwantedtotellhimthetruth.Andnottellingthetruthwasn’tanoptionanymore.I’dpromisedAmy,andIwas
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goingtofollowthroughonit.Nomatterhowharditmightbe.Orhowmuchitmightbreak
myheart.
***
“Soyou’retellinghimtonight?”“Yep.”ItwasFriday,whichmeant
I’dsurvivedthepasttwodays
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seeingRyderinclass,knowingtheendwascoming.Butherewewere,anhourbeforetheparty,andIcouldalmosthearthecountdowninmyhead,tickingawaylikeoneofthosetimebombsonTV.Amystoodupandgrabbed
thepickfrommyhand.“You’regoingtoripyourhair
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out,”shesaid.“It’sgonnabeokay,Sonny.”Istaredatthemirrorover
Amy’sdresserasshetookasectionofmyhairandbegancombingthroughthecurlsherself.I’dalreadydonemymakeuptwice,butitstilldidn’tlookright.ProbablybecauseIneverreallyworemakeup.Butwaitingforthe
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partyforhoursafterschoolwastoonerve-racking.Ineededsomethingtodowithmyhands.SomethingIcoulddoanderaseandredotoperfection.NotthatI’dachievedmakeupperfection.“Itwon’tbeasbadasyou
think,”shesaid,movingtoanothersectionofhair.“He’sgoingtohateme,
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Amy.”“No,hewon’t.”“Justbecauseyou’reso
forgivingdoesn’tmeaneveryoneelseis.”Ituggedonthesleeveofmysweater.Itwastootightandtheturtleneckwaschokingme.“He’llneverspeaktomeagain.”Amydidn’tsayanythingas
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shefinishedwithmyhair.Underhercarefulguidance,mycurlsactuallylookednice.Shesmiledatherhandiwork,oureyesmeetinginthemirror.“Thanks,”Isaid.Shewrappedherarms
aroundmyshouldersandpulledmeintoatighthug.“Iknowthisishard,butit
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meansalottome.”Inoddedandleanedmy
headonhershoulder.“Ishould’vedoneitalongtimeago.I’msorryIdraggedyouintoallofthis.Ireallydidn’tthinkitwouldgothisfar,but…”“Butitendstonight,”she
said.Shereleasedmeandbrushedafewofmycurls
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behindmyear.“Andyou’llfeelsomuchbetterafterward.”Inodded,thoughIknewit
wasn’ttrue.“Andwhoknows?”she
said.“Youtwohaveaconnection.You’vesaidsoyourself.Maybeoncehelearnsthetruth,he’llrecognizethat.Maybehe’ll
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understandandyoutwowillfinally—”“Don’t,”Isaid,shakingmy
head.“Don’tgivemefalsehope.”“Irejectanddenythenotion
of‘falsehope.’Hopeisneverfalse.”Sheputherhandsonherhipsandliftedherchin.“Ifhe’ssmart,he’lllisten.Hemightbemad,buthe’llhear
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yououtandrealizehowperfectyouareforhim.”ButIknewRyder.Hemay
havebeensmart,butheheldagrudge.He’dgonefrompracticallyworshippinghisfathertowantingnothingtodowithhim.Whathisfatherhaddonewasawful,nodoubt,buthewasstillhisfamily.AndwhowasI?The
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bestfriendofthegirlhethoughtheliked?Theannoyinggirlfromhistoryclass?Heowedmenoloyalty.Amywouldn’thearit,
though,soIjustnoddedandsatdownonthebedtotiemysneakers.Itwasseven-thirty,andthepartystartedateight.TheRusheshadcurfewsetat
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elevenonweekends,soatleastthiswouldallbeoverinthreeandahalfhours.Whichwouldlikelybethe
worstthreeandahalfhoursofmylife.“Justsoyouknow,Itold
Ryderyouhadplanswithyourparents,”Isaid.“Iknowyou’retiredofthelying,butifIhadn’tsaidsomething,
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he’dexpectyoutobethere,so…”“It’sokay.”Shesatdown
nexttomeonthebed.“It’sthelastlieyou’lltellinallofthis.”Shesighed.“Iknowthisishardforyou,butI’mreallygladit’sgoingtobeovertonight.I’mnogoodatlying,andalwayskeepinganeyeoutforRyderatschool
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—duckingintobathroomsandaroundcorners—I’mwaytootallandawkwardtobeasuperspy,Sonny.”Ilaughed,despitemyself.
“Youcansaythatagain.”Igottomyfeet.“Okay.HowdoIlook?”“Adorable,”Amysaid.
“Lovetheblueturtleneck.Isthatmine?”
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“Yep.Don’ttell,butIhadtostuffmybraalittlebittomakeitlookrightonme.IliketothinkthatifIlookniceenough,Rydermightbelike,‘Yeah,I’msuperpissed,butyou’rehot,soallisforgiven.’”“Seemstotallyplausibleto
me,”Amysaid.“Butifthatdoesn’tworkout,I’llbe
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waitingherewithicecreamandAudreyHepburnmovies.”“YouknowI’mmoreofa
Marilyngirl.”“We’renothavingthisfight
again.”“Anothertime,”Iassured
her.“Butnow,I’mofftomydoom.Enjoyyourevening.”Iexitedthebedroomwith
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dramaticflair,whichwassomewhatundercutbyAmyfollowingmedownstairs.“Hey,”shesaidasIslidon
mycoatbythefrontdoor.“CanIsayjustonemorething?”“Youneverhavetoaskme
that.”“He’sprobablygoingtobe
madatfirst,”shesaid.“Butif
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hedoesn’trealizehowgreatyouare,despitethislittlekerfuffle—”“‘Kerfuffle’?OhmyGod,
you’vebeenaroundmetoolong.”“Shutupandlisten.”But
herlipstwitchedtowardasmile.“Despitethiskerfuffle,ifhedoesn’tseehowawesomeyouare,Sonny,it’s
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hisloss.”“Thankyou,”Isaid,
acceptinganotherhugthatIdefinitelydidnotdeserve.Shewaswrong,though.If
—when—Ryderrejectedmeandrefusedtospeaktomeagain,thelosswouldbeentirelymyown.Theguilttwistedinmystomach,andIwished,notforthefirsttime,
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thatI’dfoundawaytotellhimthetruthearlier,whentheliefirstbeganasjustanaccident.Butnow,ithadgonewaytoofar.“Seeyoulater,”Isaid,
openingthefrontdoorandsteppingoutontotheporch.“Goodluck,”Amycalled.Idraggedmyfeetdownthe
driveway.WhenIfinally
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reachedGert,Ipulledoutmykeysandsighed.“It’sgonnabealongnight,girl,”Isaid,slidingintothedriver’sseat.“Let’sgetitoverwith.”
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ChrisLawsonwasn’toneofthosepopularjocktypes.Butman,hewantedtobe.Hewasconstantlytryingtobethecoolguy,seeminglyunawarethatcoolpeoplewerecoolbecausetheydidn’ttry.AndChris’spartywaskind
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ofareflectionofhimself.Itwasn’tbadasfaras
partiesgo.Itwasjusttryingtoohard.Thespeakerswereblasting
loudrapmusicwhenIwalkedin.Peopleweremillingaboutthelivingroom,redSolocupsinhand,thoughnooneseemedquiteasenthusiasticaboutthepartyasChris,who
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dartedovertogreetme.“Sonny!”heshouted.
“Awesome!Gladyoucame!”“Thanks,Chris.”“Youshouldgodance!
Everyone’sdancing!”Noone—notasingle
person—wasdancing.“Maybelater,”Isaid.“Wannawatchmedoakeg
stand?”
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“Sure,butnotrightnow.I’mactuallylookingforsomeone.IsRyderhereyet?”“Who?”“RyderCross.”“Thenewkid?”Chris
asked.RyderhadbeeninHamilton
formorethanasemester,soIwasn’tsure“thenewkid”wasstillanappropriatetitle,
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butInoddednonetheless.“Yeah.Ishehereyet?”“Yep.Sawhimwalkback
intothekitchenafewminutesago.”“Great.Thanks.”“Noproblem,”hesaid.
“Enjoytheparty,Sonny!We’regonnablowthisplaceup!”“Uh-huh.Definitely.”
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Aspromised,IfoundRyderinthekitchen,aredcupinhishand.“Youdrink?”Iasked,a
littlesurprised.Helookedupandsmiled
whenhesawme.“Sometimes,”hesaid.“Butnottonight.Thisiswater.Idon’thaveenoughfriendsheretoknowI’llhavearide
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home.”Damn.Iwassortofhoping
togethiminebriatedbeforethetruthcameout.Whydidhehavetobesomatureandresponsible?“Youcandrink,though,”
Rydersaid.“IknowAmyisn’twithyou,butIcangiveyouaridehomelaterifyouwanted.”
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“AndleaveGerthere?Whereanyonemightstealher?”Hesnorted.“Ihavethe
feelingnoonewantstostealyourcar.”“Hey,don’tdisGert.She’s
vintage.”“Isthatwhatwe’recallingit
now?”Thetruthwas,Iwouldhave
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lovedforRydertodrivemehome.Tomaybe,possibly,gothroughwiththatalmost-kissfromacoupleofweeksago.ButIknewthat,afterwhatIwasabouttotellhim,therewasnowayhe’dwanttobestuckinacarwithme.Infact,he’dprobablybemorethanhappytostrandmehereatChris’sparty.
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Ryderfinishedhiswaterandtossedthecupintotherecycling.“It’sforthebest,”hesaid.“I’msurethebeerhereisnogood.”“Oh,great.Areyouabeer
snob,too?”“No,”hesaiddefensively.
“IjustpreferPBR.”Isnorted.“Ofcourseyou
do.Ishould’veknown.”
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Ryderlookedalittlesheepish.“Youknow,”Isaid,“thisis
somethingyouandImayhaveincommon.PabstBlueRibbonmightbethedrinkofhipsters,butit’salsothedrinkofmypeople—poorwhitetrash.Itwasalwaysmydad’sfavoritebeer.”“Don’tcallyourselfwhite
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trash,”hesaid.Hewassuddenlyveryserious,andlookingatmeinawaythathehadn’tbefore.Inawaythatmademecatchmybreath.Nowwasthetimetotell
him.Getitoverwithandgohome.Iopenedmymouthtobegintheconfession,tofinallytellhimthetruth,butthewordsthatcameout
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weren’tatalltheonesI’dintendedtosay.“Doyouwannadance?”Ryderblinkedatme.“What
wasthat?”Takeitback,Ithought.That’snotwhyyou’rehere.Mymouthandmybrainseemedtobeatwarwitheachother.“Let’sdance,”Isaid,
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alreadytryingtojustifyit.Ihadafewhours.MightaswellhavealittlefunbeforeIbrokethenews,right?“But…nooneelseis
dancing.”“Perfect.Thenyoucanbea
hipsteraboutitlater.Weweredancingbeforedancingwascool,”Isaid,doingafakeRydervoice.
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“Idonotsoundlikethat.”“Whateveryouneedtotell
yourselftosleepatnight.”Igrabbedhisarmandstartedpullinghimintothelivingroom.“Comeon.Bespontaneous.”“Thelasttimeyousaidthat
tome,Iendedupinabrightorangehuntingjacketinthemiddleofthemall.”
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“Andwasn’tthatfun?”Theanswermusthavebeen
yes,becauseRyderdidn’targue.Instead,hegrabbedmyotherhandandspunmeintothelivingroom.Theheavybasship-hopwasn’texactlytherightjamforspinninganddippingagirl,butRyderdidn’tseemtocare.Hetwirledmelikeaballroom
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dancer,andsomehowmanagedtokeepusinrhythmwiththemusic.“Wow,”Isaidwhenhe
swungmebackintohisarms,hishandrestingonmyhip.Weweresoclose,closerthanwe’deverbeenbefore.AndIfeltlikeIwasonfire.Andthentherewasthefactthateveryonewasstaring.“Thisis
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howyoudanceatparties?”“Mymommademetake
ballroomclassesinmiddleschool,”heconfessed.“It’stheonlywayIknowhowtodance.Sorry.It’sprettyembarrassing.”“No,”Isaid,shakingmy
head.“It’stheoppositeofembarrassing.It’sfantastic.Theseidiotswishtheycould
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beusrightnow.”Rydersmiledandgaveme
anotherspin.Wedanceduntilwe
couldn’tanymore.Untilourfeethurtandwewereshortofbreath,eitherfromtheexertionorfromstandingsoclosetoeachother.Forme,itwasdefinitelythelatter.“Doyouwantsomewater?”
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Ryderasked.Inodded,andwemadeour
waybacktothekitchen,stumblingdespiteoursobriety.Rydergrabbeduseachared
cupandbegantofillthemwithtapwater.Ihoppedupontothecounter,takingsomeofthepressureoffmyfeet.“Damn.Thatwas—”
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“That.Was.Awesome!”Chrisannouncedashechargedintothelivingroom.“Youtwokilleditoutthere!Everyone’stalkingaboutit!”“Thesamewayeveryone
wasdancingearlier?”IaskedasRyderhandedmemycup.Chrisdidn’tseemtohear
me.“Ryder,dude,thatwaswicked!Ithoughtdancing
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waslame,butallthegirlsoutthereateitup!You’vegottateachmeyourmoves!”IsnortedintomywaterasI
imaginedChristryingtodancethewayRyderdid.He’dprobablygetalittletoointoitandendupgivingsomepoorgirlaconcussion.“I’llputonwhatevermusic
youwantifyouguyswantto
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danceagain!”“Maybeinalittlewhile,”
Ryderagreed.Helookedoveratme,thosegreeneyesmeetingmineinawaythatmademeshiver.“IfSonny’supforit.”Weheldeachother’sgaze
foralongmoment.“Sweet!”Chrissaid.“I
bettergetbackoutthere.
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Gottakeepthingsundercontrol.”“Whatwasoutofcontrol?”
RydermurmuredsothatonlyIcouldhear.Ilaughed,andChrisran
backintothelivingroom.“Youknow,”Rydersaid,
“weprobablywerethehighlightofthisparty.”“Areyoukiddingme?I’m
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thehighlightofeveryparty.”Rydersmiled.“Idon’t
doubtthat.”Againwiththeshiver.Everyonemust’vefinished
theirbeersatonce,becauseallofasuddenthekitchenbecameahigh-trafficarea.RydertookmycupfrommesoIcouldhopoffthecounterwithoutspilling.Hegestured
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formetofollowhim,andwewoveourwaythroughthepackofthirstypartyers,dartingintothehallwaytoavoidanotherrun-inwithChris.Somehow,weendedupin
anemptybedroom.Itookmycupbackfrom
Ryderandsatdownontheedgeofthebed.“So,”Isaid.
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“What’stheverdictonyourfirstHamiltonparty?”“Nottooshabby,”hesaid.“ButI’msureitdoesn’t
evencomparetothepartiesbackinDC,right?”“Thispartyismuchbetter
thantheonesinDC.”“Oh,comeon,”Isaid,
settingmycuponthenightstand.“That’snoteven
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remotelypossible.Youpartiedwithpoliticians’kids.IwatchenoughTVtoknowitgetswild.Plus,you’vegotmoney.Whichmeansbetterbooze,attheveryleast.”“Maybethepartiesback
homehadsomeadvantages,”heagreed,puttinghisownwaterdownbeforesittingnexttome.
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Reallyclosetome.“But,”hecontinued,his
eyesonmeinthatwayagain.Thatwaythatgavemechillsandmademyfaceburnallatonce.Iwassuddenlyveryawareofwherewewere—anemptybedroom,onabed.“Thecompanyhereismuchbetter.”“Ryder,”Isaid,eventhough
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everyinchofmewasfightingme,tryingtokeepmesilent.ButIcouldn’tputitoffanymore.“Ineedtotalktoyou…aboutAmy.”Heshookhishead.“Amyis
thelastthingIwanttotalkaboutrightnow.”I’dbeendyingtohearthose
wordsformonths.Dyingforhimtolookatmethewayhe
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wasrightnow.Butitwastoolate.I’dpromisedAmy,swornI’dtellhimthetruthtonight.Iswallowed.“Listen—”“Sonny,wait,”hesaid.“I
just…Ineedto…”Thenhekissedme.Andhismouthdefinitely
didn’ttastelikerootbeer.Itwasmint.
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Oneofhishandswasonmyneck,theotheronmyknee.Ididn’tmove—couldn’tbreatheorthink—ashislipsmovedovermine.Iwasstunned.Paralyzed.Butwhenhepulledaway,
evenjustaninch,itfeltlikeImightdie.“Was…wasthatokay?”he
asked.“ShouldInothave
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donethat?”No.Hedefinitelyshouldn’t
have.BecauseIneededtotellhimthetruth.Now.Justsayit,Itoldmyself.Beforethisgoesanyfurther.“Sonny?”Hisvoicewas
quiet,nervous.“I’msorry.Ishould’veasked.Orjustnot…Ididn’tknowIwasgoing
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todoituntil—”“Shutup,”Isaid.Igrabbed
him,ahandoneithersideofhisface,andpulledhimbacktowardmeforanotherkiss.MyheartwaspoundingandeverythingI’dwantedoverthepastfewmonthswasspinninginmyhead.Thistime,whenourlips
met,Iwasn’tparalyzedatall.
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***
AmywasalreadyinbedwhenIslippedinthatnight,butshewasn’tasleep.“Hey,”shemurmuredasI
climbedoverherandintomysideofthehugebed.I’dbeensleepinginhereagainsincecomingbackfromTennessee.“Howdiditgo?”“Great,”Isaid.
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We’dmadeoutinthebedroomforawhilebeforeChriswalkedinonus.Andthen,whenRyderwalkedmeouttomycar,hekissedmeagain.Iwassureitwassupposedtobeaquickgood-nightkiss,butithadlastedmuchlonger,mybackpressedagainstGert’sdriver’ssidedoor,myarms
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aroundRyder’sneck.I’dhadtospeedhometo
makecurfew.Icouldstillfeeltheghostof
Ryder’slipsonmine,hisphantomhandonmyhip.Ishiveredandhidmyfaceinthepillow,thoughinthedarkness,Amycouldneverhaveseenmyblush.“Really?”Amyasked,her
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tiredvoicegoingupanoctavewithexcitement.“That’sarelief.Soyoutoldhimthetruth?”Everythingwasgoingright.
Amywasn’tmadatmeanymore.Ryderhadkissedme.Like,alot.IhadeverythingIwanted.EverythingI’dbeenhopingforsincethisstartedin
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September.Butitallcould’vefallendownwithalittlegustofwind.Onewrongmove,andIwouldloseeverything.SoIdidwhatIdobest.
WhatIalwaysdidwhenIwasscared.“Yeah,”Ilied.“Itoldhim
everything.”
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ByMondaymorning,Iwasdealingwithsomeseriouspost-make-outregret.Notregretaboutthekissingspecifically—thathadbeenawesome—butabouthowithadcometopass.Namely,mewussingoutontelling
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Ryderthetruth.AndnowthatIknew
exactlywhatIwasgoingtobemissing,tellinghimwouldbeevenharder.ButIhadto.Becausethat
hotmake-outsessiondidn’tchangeanything.SowhenIwalkedinto
historyclassthatmorning,Iwasdeterminedtodothe
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rightthing.Nomatterhowanxiousthewholethingmademe.“Hey,”Isaid,slidinginto
theseatbehindhis.“So…weshouldtalkaboutwhathappenedFriday.”Ryderhadalreadyswiveled
inhisseatsowewerefacingeachother.“Iwasactuallythinkingthesamething.”
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Foramoment,myheartsank.Heregrettedthekiss,too,Ithought.Butforcompletelydifferentreasons.Heprobablycouldn’tbelievehe’ddoneit.Heprobablydidn’tlikemethatmuch.Iwaspoorandlessattractive.Butwe’dbeendancingandlaughingandthenwewerealoneinastranger’sbedroom
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…Iwassurehewasgoingto
sayitnevershouldhavehappened.Butthen—“Whydon’tyoucomeover
thisafternoonsowecandiscussit.”AndincaseIhadn’tnoticedtheslightlyarchedeyebroworthesuggestivetoneinhisvoice,
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headded,“Mymomwon’tbehomeuntillate.”“Oh.”Ormaybehedidn’tregretit
atall.Thisshouldn’thavemade
mehappy,particularlybecauseitmadewhatIwasabouttodosomuchharder,butitdid.Thatlittlegrinonhisfacegavemebutterflies
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andthrillsandallthoseothersillymiddle-school-crushfeelings.Anditwouldbeeasierto
tellhimathishouse,withnooneelsearoundtooverhear.Ijusthadtostayawayfromhisbed.Andhiscouch.Andhislips.No,Ithought.Don’tdothisagain.Tellhimrightnow.
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“Look,Ryder,Iactually—”“Allright,class,”Mr.
Buckleyboomedasheenteredtheroom.“Let’stalkaboutGermany.”Andtherewentmychance.Ifeltbadforfeelingso
relieved.
***
Ryderhadpassedmeanotewithdirectionstohisplace,
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whichwasonlyafewminutessouthofAmy’shouse.WhenIpulledintothedrivewayaroundthreethatafternoon,Iwassurprisedtofindafairlysmallbrickhouse.IguessI’dexpectedsomethingmoreextravagantjustbecauseIknewhecamefrommoney.Butthen,itwasonlyhimandhismom
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sharingtheplace,soitdidn’tneedtobehuge.Hewaswaitingformeon
thenarrowfrontporchandsmiledwhenIstartedwalkingtowardhim.Thesunlighthithiseyesinjusttheperfectway,makingthegreenseemevenbrighter.Thewayhelookedatmetookmybreathaway.
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Itriedtoswallowbackthepanicrisinginsideme.HewassobeautifulandsoamazingandIdidn’twanttolosehim.WhenIreachedhim,he
gavemeaquickkiss.“Comeinside,”hesaid,
takingmebythearmandescortingmethroughthefrontdoor.“Welcometomy
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humbleabode.”“Humble?”Irepeated,
staringatthelivingroom,thefurniturethatmostdefinitelyshowedwherethemoneyhadgone.Everythingwasbrand-newandshiny.TheTVwashuge.Thesofaswerelushandfancy.Andtheplacewasimmaculate.Rydertookmycoat,his
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fingersskimmingacrossmyshouldersashesliditoffmyarms.“It’shumblecomparedtowherewecamefrom,”hesaid.“Ha.Ifthisishumble,then
youshouldseewhereIlive.”“Don’tyoulivewithAmy?”“Right.Well…whereI
usedtolive.”“Yeah.I’vebeenmeaning
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toaskyouaboutthat.”Hehungmycoatonahookbythedoor.“WhydoyoulivewiththeRushes?Iknowaboutyourdad,but…whataboutyourmom?”Imeanttolie.Thesamelie
I’dtoldAmyandherparents.Shekickedmeout,endofstory.Butinstead,Ifoundmyselfsayingthetruth.At
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least,partofit.“Mymom…iskindofa
mess.”Ifollowedhimintothelivingroom,butwhenhesatdownonthecouch,Istayedstanding.“There’vebeensomeproblemsathome,soAmywasniceenoughtoletmestaywithher.”Hescoffed.“Thatsurprises
me.”
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Ifrowned.“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”“Shejustdoesn’tseemlike
thecaringtype,”hesaid,hisvoicebitter.“She’sso…inconsiderate.Andrude.Plus,isn’tshetoobusydealingwithherownmomissues?”Ittookmeasecondto
rememberthatlasttimeI’dtalkedtoRyderaboutmy
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mother,he’dstillthoughthewastalkingtoAmy.“Hey,”Isaid,feelingdefensiveeventhoughthatwasexactlytheimageI’dwantedhimtohaveofAmy.“Shegetsit,okay?Besides,she’smybestfriend.”“Iknow,”hesaid.“Ijust
don’tknowwhy.You’vesaidshe’sgreat,butIdon’tseeit.”
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“Yousawitbefore,”Ipointedout.“Infact,itwasn’tthatlongagothatyousaidthesamethingaboutme.Thatyoucouldn’tseewhyAmywouldbefriendswithsomeonelikeme.”Heshrugged.“Iwaswrong.
IthoughtsheandIhadsomething,butitwasIMsandtextmessages.Inperson,
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therewasnothing.Shewasn’tthepersonIthought.Itjusttookmeawhiletoacceptit.Butwithyou…”Helookedupatmeandsmiled.“There’salwaysbeensomethingthere,Ithink.EvenwhenwewerefightinginMr.Buckley’sclass,therewasthis…energy.Chemistry,Iguess.Ijustdidn’trealizeit.Andthen
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onFriday…”“Yeah.”Ilookeddownat
myfeet.“Look,aboutFriday,thingswerealittlecrazyand—”“Idon’tthinkitwascrazy,”
hesaid.Hishandfoldedovermine,andhepulledmetowardthecouch.“Infact,IthinkkissingyoumayhavebeenthemostsanethingI’ve
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donesinceImovedhere.”Irolledmyeyes,because—
let’sbereal—thatwasacheesyline.Evenifitdidkindofgivemebutterflies.Iwasstandingrightinfront
ofhim,mylegstouchinghisashelookedupatme.MyheartwaspoundingandI’msuremyfacewasbeetred.“Youbarelyknowme,”I
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said.Butthatwasn’ttrue.Ryder
knewmebetterthanmostpeopledid.HesawmoreofmethanI’dletanyonesee.Hejustdidn’tknowit.“Iknowthatyoumakeme
laugh,”hesaid.“IknowthatyouthinkfasteronyourfeetthananyoneelseI’veevermet.IknowthatyouuseSAT
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wordsineverydayconversation.”“Sodoyou,”Isaid.“OnlyI
doittobecuteandfunny.Youdoitbecauseyou’reaprep-schoolsnob.”“Iknowthatyounamed
yourcarbecauseyouloveit,eventhoughit’sapieceofjunk,”hecontinued.“Iknowthatyourrealnameis
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Sonya.”“What?Whotoldyou?I’ll
killthem.”Helaughed.“Iknowthat
you’resmart.Andwitty.Andincredible.”Incredible.Itwasn’tthefirsttimehe’d
usedthatwordtodescribeme.BeforeChristmas,he’dcalledthepersonbehindthe
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IMsandtexts“incredible.”HethoughtitwasAmy,sure,butthoseweremywords.Iwastheonehethoughtwasincredible.“Well,um…didyouknow
I’malsoaserialkiller?”“Whydoyoudothat?”he
asked.“What?”“Anytimethingsgetserious
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orsentimental,youdeflectwithhumor,”hesaid.“Why?”“Idon’tknow,”Isaid.“I
guessbecauseI’mnervous.”Hesmirked.“Imakeyou
nervous?”And,despitemybetter
judgment,Itoldthetruth.“Very.”Therewasaflickerof
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recognitioninhiseyes,andIsuddenlyrememberedthattextmessageconversationbackinNovember,wherewe’dadmittedtomakingeachothernervous.Forasecond,Ithoughthemightfigureitout.Mightrealizethatithadbeenmeallalong.Iheldmybreath,notsureif
Iwantedhimtofigureitout
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ornot.Butthemomentpassedas
quicklyasithadcome.Hegavemyhandalittletug,andIfellintohislap.Andthen,eventhoughI’dtriedtoavoidit—sortof—weweremakingoutagain.Istillhadn’tgottenthehang
ofthiswholekissingthing.Iwasn’talwayssurewhattodo
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withmyhandsorwhichwaytotiltmyhead.Webumpednosesmorethanonce,butRyderjustlaughed,likemyclumsykissingskillsweremoreadorablethanannoying.Withhishandsinmyhair
andhistongueslidingintomymouth,Imadeadecision.Iwasn’tgoingtotellhim
thetruth.
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Helikedme.HewastotallyoverAmy,andhewantedtobewithme.HethoughtIwasincredible.Partofmestillwantedto
comparemyselftoAmy.HowcouldRydergofromwantingsomeoneasbeautifulashertosomeonelikeme?Shewasgorgeousandrich,andIwas…average.And
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definitelynotrich.Butthatwasn’thowhe
lookedatme.Orhowhetreatedme.MaybeWesleywasright.
Maybecomparingmyselfwasawasteoftime,andRydersawmeasmorethanjustthemoderatelyattractive,somewhatobnoxiousbestfriend.
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Myplan—thoughithadtakenmonths—hadworked.ThiswaswhatI’dwanted.
WhatI’dbeenhopingforallalong.Iwasn’tgoingtotellhim.Hedidn’tneedtoknow.Afterawhile,thenecessity
ofbreathingdroveusapart.ButonlylongenoughforRydertoask:
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“Iwaswondering:Doyouwanttogooutthisweekend?Onarealdate?”“Maybe,”Isaid,mynose
touchinghis.“Whatwereyouthinking?”“Dinnerandamovie?”“Soundsfun,”Isaid.“Oh,
actually,there’sthisnewromanticcomedythatjustopened.IthinkRachel
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McAdamsisinit.”Ryderwrinkledhisnose.
“Ugh.”“Youdon’tlikeRachel
McAdams?”Iasked,appalled.“What’swrongwithyou?”“It’snother,”hesaid.“I
just…don’treallylikemainstreamHollywoodfilms.Iwasthinkingthatwecould
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goseethatnewKoreanfilmthatjustopenedatCindependent.”“OhmyGod,”Isaid,rolling
myeyes.“Everythingyoujustsaidissowrong.”Butthatdidn’tstopmefrom
kissinghimagain.
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“You’vebeenspendingalotoftimewithRyderlately,”Amysaid.Shewassittingonherbed,watchingasIappliedalittlebitoflipstickinthevanitymirror.“Whereareyouguysgoingtonight?”“Amovie,”Isaid.
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ItwasthenextSaturday,aweeksinceourfirstkiss,andithadbeenoneofthemostblissfulweeksofmylife.Suddenly,Iwasgladtobeunemployed.We’dspentalmosteveryafternoontogether—sometimesdoinghomeworkatthelibrary,sometimesmakingoutinhisbedroom—doingwhatever
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wefeltlikethatday.Wewerealwayseitherlaughingorarguing,whichusuallyledtolaughing.Yes,mylife,foronce,was
awesome.Evenifhehadwonthe
moviedebate.“It’saKoreanfilm,”Itold
AmyasIputthecapbackonthelipstick—alipstickI’d
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stolenfromher,actually.“AndyouknowhowIfeelaboutsubtitles.Ugh.I’msortofhopingwecanbenormalandjustmakeoutinthebackofthetheater.KnowingRyder,though,he’lllikelythinkthat’sfartoopedestrian.”Ilaughedandturnedtoface
her,butAmyonlygavea
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smallsmile.“Whataboutyou?”Iasked.
“Whatareyoudoingtonight?”“I’mnotsure,”shesaid.
“Probablyfinishingupafewcollegeapplications.”“Youpartyanimal,”I
teased.Shelaughed.“Well,I’m
almostdone.I’vealready
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mailedoffmyapplicationsforBrown,Cornell,andDartmouth.I’mhopingtogettheothersinthemailbyMonday.Whataboutyou?”“Whataboutmewhat?”I
asked.“Haveyourapplications
yet?”“Um,yeah,”Ilied.“Mostof
them.”Iturnedbacktothe
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mirror,checkingmyoutfitonemoretime,andtriedtoignorethesinkingfeelinginmystomach.Istillhadn’tfiguredoutwhatIwasgoingtodoaftergraduation,orhowIwasgoingtotellAmythatcollegewasn’tanoption.Honestly,Icouldn’tbelieve
shethoughtitwas.“Good,”shesaid.“Because
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there’snotmuchtimeleft.Wheredidyouapply?”“Oh,youknow,”Isaid,
tuggingonthehemofmysweater.ItwastheonethattheRusheshadgivenmeforChristmas.“Mostlythesameplacesasyou.”“Great,”shesaid.“We’ll
definitelygetintoatleastacoupleofthesameschools.
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Wouldn’titbegreatifwecouldberoommates?I’mnotsureifIcouldshareadormroomwithanyoneelse.”“Iknowwhatyoumean.”“Weshouldgoshopping
soon,”Amysuggested.“Wecouldgoaheadandpickoutsomestuffforourfuturedormroom.Iwasthinkingwecoulddecoratetheroom
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ingreenand—”“Thatsoundsgreat,”Isaid,
eventhougheverywordshesaidwaskillingme.“ButIbettergetgoing.IhavetopickRyderupinafewminutes.”“Whyisn’thepickingyou
up?”Amyasked.“Gottochallengethose
gendernorms,”Isaid.“Also,
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ifIhavetoseeaforeignfilm,hehastobeseenridingaroundinGert.”“Iguessthatseemsfair.”“Havefunwithyour
applications,”Isaid,grabbingmypurseandheadingforthedoor.“Don’twaitup,darling.”“Yeah,”shesaid.Hervoice
wasquietasIheadedoutthe
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bedroomdoor.“Youhavefun,too.”
***
ImayhavebegunmyrelationshipwithRyderwithlimitedkissingexperience,butIwasmostcertainlymakingupforlosttime.Forthenextfewweeks,
RyderandIcouldhardlykeepourhandsoffeach
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other.Weweremakingoutinhiscar,inmine,athishouse—occasionallyinthehallwaysatschool.SittingbehindhiminAPhistorywastorturous,becauseallIwantedtodowasleanforwardandpressmylipsintohisneck.IhadafeelingMr.Buckley
wouldn’ttaketookindlyto
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that.Therewasonlyonething
thatcoulddistractusfromkissingwhenwewerealonetogether.“We’renotmakingouttoa
GoatsVoteforMelonssong,”Isaid,turningmyheadsothatRyder’slipshitmyjawinsteadofmymouth.Wewerehorizontalin
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Gert’sbackseat,parkedoutbeneathsometreesonLyndwayHill.Ryder’scarmayhavebeenfancier(andcleaner),butGertboastedalargerbackseat.VictoryforGert.Hegroanedandsatupa
little,proppinghimselfonhiselbows.“What’swrongwithGoatsVoteforMelons?”
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“It’snotsexy.WeneedtogetsomeBoyzIIMenplayingupinhere.”“Who?”“Ugh.I’msurroundedby
unculturedidiots.”“Funny.Ioftenfeelthe
sameway.”Ishovedathisshoulders,
forcinghimupandoffme.Hemovedtooquickly,
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though,andhisheadslammedintoGert’sroof.“Ow!”“Servesyouright,”Isaidas
IreachedforhisiPod.“Let’ssee.Whatelsedowehaveonhere?Hipsterband,hipsterband,hipsterband…Oh,grunge.That’sanicechange.”Nexttome,Ryderseemed
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todeflateslightly.Foraminute,Iwasconfused;thenIrealizedthat,tohim,Iwasn’tthegrungegirl.Amywas.Thatwashermusic,andshewasthereasonhe’dgivenitachance.Partofmewantedtocorrect
himonthis.TotellsomestoryabouthowIwastheonewholovedgrungeandhad
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pulledAmyintoit.Butreally,AmywasthelastthingIwantedtotalkaboutrightnow.SoIclearedmythroatand
wentbacktoskimmingthroughthesongsonhisiPod.Eventually,Igaveuponfindinganythingdecentandselected“OfLionsandRobots,”theonlyGVMsong
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Ididn’thate.Ryder,havingregainedhis
composure,gentlyremovedtheiPodfrommyhandandtosseditintothefrontseat,outofreach.“Makeyouadeal,”hesaid,
kissingjustbeneathmyear.“I’lladdsomebettermake-outmusictomycollection,ifyoudropitforthe
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moment….”Hislipstraveleddownmyneck,sendingchillsupmyspine.“Fine,”Isaid,asifthiswas
somegreatsacrificeonmypart.Heeasedmebackdown
ontothecarpetedseat,andIwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneck.Hekissedhiswayuptomymouth,tuggingslightly
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onmylowerlipwithhisteeth.Igiggledandarchedmyback,pressingmyselftighteragainsthim.ButthenRydershifted
slightly,andIwassuddenlylessfocusedonhismouthandmorekeenlyawareofhishand,whichhadbeguncreepingbeneathmyshirt.Despitetheconstantmaking
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out,wehadn’tquitereachedsecondbaseyet.NotthatIwasatallopposedtoit.Butthehigherhishand
crept,themorenervousIbegantofeel.Whatifhemanagedtogetmybraoffonlytobedisappointed?Whatifmyboobsweretoosmallorweirdlookingorsomething?Amy’swere
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muchbiggerthanmineandprobablyperfect.Though,admittedly,Iwasn’treallysurewhatmadeboobsperfectorweird.Itdidn’tstopmefromworrying.“Hey,”Rydersaid,pulling
awayalittle.“Isthisallright?”Theminutehiseyesmet
mine,Ifeltmyselfrelax.His
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expressionwassosoft,sogentle,anditeasedsomeofmyworries.StopcomparingyourselftoAmy,Ithought.Hedoesn’twanther,hewantsyou.“Yeah,”Isaid.“Definitely.”Hesmiled,thenwentback
tokissingme.Andtotryingtounhookmy
bra.Apparently,thisisavery
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complicatedactforboys,particularlytodoone-handed,becauseitseemedtobetakinghimlongerthanI’dexpected.Buthe’dalmostmanageditwhen—Crunch!Thesnowballsmackedinto
thewindshield,followedbyaburstofretreatinglaughterfromoutsidethecar.
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RyderandIbothgroaned.“Assholes,”Isaid.“Whyarewehereagain?”
heasked.“LyndwayHillisthecool
placetomakeout.Atleast,soI’vebeentold.”“Right,well,Iwouldargue
thatmyhouseiscooler.”Heeasedoffme,allowingmetositup.HesmirkedatmeasI
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attemptedtosmoothdownmyhair.“MightIsuggestthatwecontinuethisthere?”Ijustgrinned.
***
Unfortunately,Ryder’shousewasnotasemptyaswe’dthought.Weburstthroughthedoor,
laughingatthefreshsnowthathadfallenonusaswe’d
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runupthefrontsteps.Heflickedsnowfrommyhair,andIlaughed,pushinghimaway.Hecaughtmyarmsandmovedmebackward,soIwaspressedagainstthefrontdoorasheleanedintokissme.Butourlipshadbarelymet
whenweheardtheloud“Ahem”andjumpedapart.
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“Mom,”Rydersaid,spinningaroundtofacethewomanthatneitherofushadnoticedstandinginthelivingroom.“Ididn’tthinkyouwerehome.”“AndIthoughtyouwere,”
shesaid,hervoicedevoidofanyhumor.“Yourcarisinthegarage.”“Right.IwaswithSonny.”
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Iraisedahandandgaveasmallwave.“Hi,Mrs.Cross.”Yeah.ThiswasnothowI’dplannedonmeetinghismomforthefirsttime.“It’sMs.Tanner,”she
corrected.“Inolongerusemymarriedname.”“Right.Sorry.”I’mnotgoingtolie.Iwas
alreadyprettyscaredof
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Ryder’smother.ShewassostrictabouthowcleanherhouseandevenRyder’scarwerekept.AndRyder,despiteseemingtothinkshewasperfect,haddescribedherasprettystrictandcold,thingsthathadonlygottenworsesincetheseparation.Nottraitsthatparticularlymeshedwithmypersonality.
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Asifthatwasn’tenough,inperson,shewasentirelyintimidating.I’dknownshewasprettyfromthephotoI’dseenofRyderandhisfamily,withhersmoothdarkbrownskinanddarkeyes.Butshewasalsoquitetall.Andhadbroadshoulders.Andthentherewasthewayshewasdressed,inacrisp,neat,
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expensivenavy-bluesuit.“Isthatyourcaroutside?”
sheasked,glancingoutthewindow.“Uh,yes,ma’am.Itis.”And
thenItried,perhapsfoolishly,tomakeherlaugh.“InamedherGert.”Butshedidn’tlaugh.
“Hmm.Charming.I’msuretheneighborswillbevery
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curiousaboutwhatacarlikethatisdoinginthedriveway.”Ouch.Iwantedtosaysomething,
todefendGert,assillyasitsounds,butluckilyRyderspokeupfirst.“It’svintage,”hesaid,
laughing.Andthefactthathewasobviouslyquotingme
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mademesoftenabit.“Indeed,”Ms.Tannersaid.
“I’msorry.Imissedyourname.Whatwasitagain?”“Oh.Sonny,”Isaid.But,
becauseIthoughtitmightbemoreimpressivetoher,Iadded,“ShortforSonya.”“Sonny,”sherepeated.“I
mustbebehindonmyson’slovelife.HereIwasthinking
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hewasinterestedinagirlnamed…Amy?”“Notanymore,”Rydersaid.
“SonnyandIhaveactuallybeenseeingeachotherforaboutthreeweeksnow.”“Wow,”Ms.Tannersaid.
“Yousuremovedonfast.MustbethatCrossDNA.”Ryderflinched.“Ifyou’llexcuseme,”she
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said,“Ibroughtsomeworkhomewithmethatneedstogetdone.Nicetomeetyou,Sonny.”Thefeelingwasnotmutual.Whenshe’dlefttheroom,I
turnedtoRyder.“Thatwas…interesting.”Hewasstaringathisfeet,
hishandsshoveddeepintohiscoatpockets.Clearly,the
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interactionhadbeenjustasunpleasantforhim.ButIknewnottosayanythingelse.“ShouldIgo?”Iasked.“Youdon’thaveto,”he
said.Butsomethingtoldmethat
therewouldbenogettingtosecondbasetodayafterall.“It’sokay.Iprobably
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should.Ihavealotofhomework.”Ryderwasquietashe
walkedmeout.Whenwereachedmycar,Iturnedtohim.“Hey,”Isaid,grabbinghishand.“Iseverythingokay?”Iworriedthatmaybehismother’sobviousdisapprovalofmeandmypoor-personvehiclemightbe
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enoughtoscarehimoff.“Yeah,”hesaid.
“Everything’sfine.”Andeventhoughtherewas
nohesitationwhenheleanedintokissmegood-bye,Iknewsomethinghadchanged.SomethinghismotherhadsaidwasbotheringRyder,evenifhewasn’ttellingmewhatjust
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yet.
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“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”IaskedRyder.Itwasanotherdaywhenhis
motherwouldn’tbehomeuntiltheevening(we’dcheckedthistime),whichmeantwewereathishouse,inhisroom,onhisbed.Only
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Ryderdidn’tseementirelythere.Likehewaspreoccupiedwithsomethingbesidesfeelingmeup.“Amy,”hesaid.Ifrowneddownathim.
“Okay.NottheanswerIwashopingfor.”Heshookhishead.“Not
likethat,”hesaid.“Obviously.IjustfeellikeI
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shouldapologizetoher.”“For…?”“This.”Hegestured
betweenus.“I’mnotexactlyherbiggestfananymore,butwedidhavesomethinggoingonbetweenusforawhile.ItmustbeweirdthatI’mnowdatingherbestfriend.”“It’snot,”Iassuredhim.
“She’stotallyfinewithit.”
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Whichwasmostlytrue.AmyknewthatRyderandIhadbeenseeingeachotherforthepastmonth,andshewastotallysupportive.Happyforme,even.ShejustthoughtRyderwasmoreinformedthanhereallywas.Andofcourse,shehadnoideathathenowconsideredhertobeoneoftherudest,flakiest
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peopleontheplanet.Youknow.Smalldetails.Sofar,Ihadn’thadtodo
muchworktokeepthetruthfromcomingout.Itwasn’tasifRyderandAmyhungoutever.AndwiththewayRyderfeltaboutAmynow,Ididn’tthinkitwouldbetoohardtokeepthemseparateduntilgraduationinMay.
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ButRyderandhisdamnconscienceweregoingtoruineverything.“I’mgladtohearthat,”he
said.“Ijust…Idon’twanttobelikemydad,youknow?”“Howcanyouevensay
that?”Iasked.“Youheardmymomthe
otherday.CrossDNA.”“Areyouserious?Ryder,
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youdidn’tcheatonAmy.Youtwoneverevenkissed.Iknowyouguyshadavirtualconnection…”Believeme,Iknewalltoowell.“But,likeyoutoldme,therewasn’treallyanythingthere.Sheknowsthat.You’renotlikeyourdad.”“Ihopenot,”hesaid,
buryinghishandsinmycurls
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asheleaneduptokissme.“But…speakingofyour
dad…”Hefloppedbackontothe
bedwithagroan.“Okay.DefinitelynotwhatIwanttotalk,orthink,aboutwhenthere’sagirlinmybedroom.”“Sorry,butyoustartedit,”I
said.“Iwasjustcuriousif
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you’dheardfromhimlately.”Rydersighed.“Hecalled
yesterday.Leftavoicemail.Thesameoldthing.Heapologizedandprettymuchbeggedmetocallhim.Hesayshewantstoseeme.ThinksIshouldcometoDCforspringbreak.”“Maybeyoushould.”Heraisedaneyebrow.
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“Wouldn’tyoumissme?”“Ofcourse,”Isaid.“But
I’msureIcanfindsomeoneelsetomakeoutwithwhileyou’reaway.”Hegavemeanexaggerated,
playfulfrown,andIlaughedasIleaneddowntokissthetipofhisnose.“Seriously,though.You
shouldcallhim,”Isaid.“I
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knowhescrewedupprettyterribly.Butmydadhasdonesomebadthings,too.Prison-worthybadthings,infact.Buthe’sstillmydad.AndI’mgladtohavehimbackinmylife.Andthat’sbecauseofyou.”IsmiledasIfoundhishandandtwinedourfingerstogether.“Ioweyouforthat,soletmereturnthefavor
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here.Givehimachance.”Hesighed.“I’llthinkabout
it.”“Okay,”Isaid,knowingthat
eventhatwasseriousprogress.“Inthemeantime…”Isquealedwithlaughteras
heflippedmeontomybackandplacedalongkissonmylips.
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“NomoretalkingaboutAmy,”hewhispered,hismouthafractionofaninchfrommine.“Ormydad.”Inodded,thekisshaving
leftmebreathless.“Deal.”ButRyderhadbarelygotten
hishandupmyshirtwhenhiscellphonebegantoringfromthedresser.“That’smymom’s
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ringtone,”hesaid,rollingoffme.“Ofcourseitis,”Isaid.
“Theuniverseisdeterminedtokeepmeclothed.”“Theuniverseisawful,”he
said.Thenhepickedupthephone.“Hello,Mom.”Withthemoodsufficiently
killed,Iclimbedoffthebedandbeganwalkingaround
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Ryder’sroom,investigatingareasIhadn’tyet.Likehiscar,itwasimmaculatelyclean.Serial-killerclean.EventheDVDsandBlu-raysonhisshelfwereinalphabeticalorder.“Yes.I’llbesuretodo
that….Seeyoutonight,Mom.Iloveyou.”Hehungupthephoneandturnedto
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lookatme.“Didyouwanttowatchamovie?”heasked.“Maybe.Butonlyifwecan
watch…”IgrabbedtheDVDofftheshelfandspuntofacehim,grinning.“Clueless?”Ryder’seyeswentwide.“I
…um…”“OrCruelIntentions?Or
maybe10ThingsIHateAboutYou?”
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“Okay,Igetit.”“She’sAllThat?AmericanPie?Can’tHardlyWait?Thatonewasn’tevenverygood.”“It’snotbad.”“Ithoughtyoudidn’tlike
mainstreamHollywoodfilms?”Iteased.“Yes.Allright.Youcaught
me,”hesaid.“Ihaveasoftspotforninetiesteenmovies.
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It’saguiltypleasure.I’mnotproudofit.Happy?”“Ecstatic,”Isaid,waving
theCluelessDVD.“Thisprovestomethatyouare,indeed,human.Andifwe’rebeinghonest,itmakesmelikeyousomuchmore.”“Really?”“Really.”Iwalkedoverto
wherehesatonthebedand
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kissedhim.Hesmiledagainstmylips,thentuggedonmyhand,pullingmecloser,butItookastepback.“Oh,no,”Isaid,holdingtheDVDupagain.“NowIactuallywanttowatchthis.”And,atleastforthe
moment,thesubjectofAmywasdropped.Butitdidn’tstaythatway
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forlong.
***
EverythingfellapartonValentine’sDay.Ryderhadn’tdroppedthe
wholeapologything.NomatterhowmanytimesIassuredhimthatAmywascoolwithusdating,hekeptbringingitup.Icouldhavekilledhismotherforplanting
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theseedinhisheadandmakinghimthinkhewasanythinglikehisdad.Keepingthemawayfrom
eachotherwasbecomingincreasinglydifficult.Ifeltlikeacharacterinasitcom,constantlyjugglingthetwoandkeepingmystoriesstraight.SowhenIsawhimwalking
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towardusinthehallwayatschool,Iknewshitwasabouttohitthefan—ametaphorthatneverfailedtogrossmeoutalittle.“Weshouldgoiceskating
thisweekend,”Amysaidaswewalkedtolunch.“TherinkinOakHillwillclosesoon,andwehaven’tgoneallwinter.”
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“Thatsoundsfun,”Isaid.“ButIthinkIalreadyhaveplanswithRyder.Valentine’sDayweekendandall.”“Valentine’sDayisaday,
notaweekend.”“Itcanbeaweekendifyou
doitright,”Isaid,grinning.“Oh.”Amylookeddownat
herfeet.“Yeah.Ishould’veguessedyou’dbebusy.”
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IwasabouttosuggestwewatchamovieorsomethingSundaynightinstead,whenRyderwalkedup.“Ryder,”Isaid,forcinga
smile.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”“Igotoschoolhere?”“Right.Ijustmeanyou’re
usuallynotinthishallway.”Iclearedmythroat.“Anyway,
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we’rejustheadingtolunch,so—”“Thiswillonlytakea
second,”hesaid,kissingmeonthecheek.TherewasagoodchancethatwasthelastkissI’devergetfromhim.“IjustneedtotalktoAmy.”“Me?”sheasked,surprised.“Youreallydon’t,”Isaid,
shakingmyhead.
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“Everything’sfine.Hey,let’sgogetsomebadcafeterialasagna.”“Amy,”Rydersaid,
completelyignoringme.“Iknowthesepastfewmonthshavebeenstrange,butIwantedtoapologizeandmakesuretherewerenohardfeelingsaboutmeseeingSonny.”
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Shefrowned.“Ofcoursetherearen’t.Whywouldtherebe?”“See?”Isaid,tryingto
shoveRyderdownthehall.“She’sfine.Let’sgo.”Hedidn’tbudge.Instead,he
scoffed.“IguessIshouldn’tbetoosurprisedbythatreaction.It’sfairlyinkeepingwiththewayyou’vebeen
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treatingme.”“Excuseme?”Iwantedtohide.Torunand
lockmyselfinabathroomstall.Or,betteryet,tovanishcompletely.Becausethecrackswerebeginningtoshow,andtheliesI’dbuiltbetweenAmyandRyderwereabouttocomecrashingdownontopofme.
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“Justthat,despiteaconnectionthatseemedveryrealonline,you’vealwaysactedasifnothinghappenedbetweenus.Soit’snotexactlysurprisingthatyou’dcontinuethetrendnow,eventhoughI’vestarteddatingyourbestfriend.Somethingthatwouldbothermostpeople.”
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Amygawkedathim.“Wh-What?”Shefroze,andthen,slowly,sheturnedtolookatme.Ishrankbeneathhergaze,andthewordsshespokenextweresoquiet,socold,thattheymademeshiver.“Youdidn’ttellhim?”“Tellmewhat?”Ryder
asked.Theywerebothlookingat
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menow,waitingformetoanswer.Iwasanexcellentliar.ButI
hadnolieforthis.NothingIcouldthinktosayordothatwouldfixit.Nothingthatwouldletmekeepthemboth.Amy’seyesflashed,andI
sawthefurytherethatI’donlyseenoncebefore,andIshrankawayfromher,
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flinchingasifshe’dstruckme.“Fine,”shesaid,voicestill
low.“Ifyouwon’ttellhim,Iwill.”SheturnedtofaceRyder.“Inevertalkedtoyouonline,Ryder.Ineverinstantmessagedortextedyouoranyofthat.ItwasallSonny.”Rydertookastumblingstep
backward.Likehe’djustbeen
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shoved.“What?Sonny,isthat…isthattrue?”“I…um…”Iswallowed.
“Sortof.”Horrorbloomedacrosshis
faceandsuddenlytherewassomuchhurtinhiseyes.“Youwerecatfishingme?”heasked.Ifeltmyselfshrinkawayfromhimastheshameswelledinsideofme.“Wasit
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somesortofjoke?Wereyouscrewingwithme?”“No!”Icried.“Ofcourse
not.”“Whatthehelliswrong
withyou?”hedemanded.“Howcouldyouletmethink…JesusChrist.Thisissofuckedup.”“Ryder,please,justletme
explain.”
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“Explainwhat?Thatyoupretendedtobesomeoneelse?Andliedtome?We’vebeendatingforoveramonthand…wereyoujustnotgoingtotellme?”“I…”IhopedIwouldn’thaveto.Iclearedmythroat.“Ryder,justgivemeasecond.”Heshookhishead.“No.I
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shouldgo.”“I’msorry,”Amysaid.“She
toldmeyouknew.”“Well,then,lookslikeshe
liedtobothofus.”“Ryder.”Thedisgustwhenhelooked
atmeshatteredanycomposureImighthavehad.Ifeltmylipbegintotremble.I’dhadeverythingIwanted,
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andinamatterofseconds,ithadallcometumblingdown.“I’mgoingtolunch,”he
said.Heturnedandbegantowalkaway.“Ryder!”Icalledoutagain.
“Please.Just…listen.”Buthedidn’tstopwalking.IspuntofaceAmy,anger
andguiltandheartbreakatwarinsideme.“Howcould
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youdothattome?”Idemanded,myhandsballedintofists.Sheleveledasteady,dark
gazeatme.Thensheshookherhead.“Howcouldyoudothattome?”sheasked.Ilookeddownatmyfeet,
shamewinningthefight.Shewasright.AsmuchasIwantedtoblameherfor
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tellingRyder,itwasallonme.I’dhadthechancetotellhimsomanytimes,butI’dchickenedout.AndI’dkeptlyingtobothofthem.HowstupidwasItothinkthatthey’dneverfindoutthetruth?ThatIwouldn’tenduphurtingthemboth?“I’msorry,”Isaid.ButwhenIlookedup,Amy
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wasgone.AndIwascompletelyalone.
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Lonelywasnotanewfeelingforme.Infact,itwasafeelingI
knewbetterthanmost.Butnormally,whenIwas
feelingaloneorabandoned,IknewIcouldgotoAmy.Iknewshe’dbethereforme.
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AndrecentlyI’dhadRyder,too.Butnotanymore.Ithadbeenaweeksincethe
Valentine’sDayMassacre,andneitherofthemhadspokenawordtomesince.Ihadtriedtoapologizeto
Rydereverydaysincetheincidentinthehall,buthewouldn’tevenlookatme.I’d
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called,I’dtexted,I’de-mailed,andI’dgottennoresponse.Inclass,heworehisgiantheadphones,freezingmeoutuntilMr.Buckleystartedteaching.So,oneday,Itriedadifferenttactic.Onethathadworkedinthepast.Iwroteanote.
Please.Givemeachance
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toexplain.IknowIscrewedup,butitwasn’tallalie.Hearmeout,okay?—S
ItosseditoverRyder’sshoulderandheldmybreathashereadit,hopinghe’dwritesomethingback.Instead,heputthenoteawayandraisedhishand.“Yes,Mr.Cross?”Mr.
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Buckleysaid,alreadysoundingexasperated.“MayIswitchseats?”Ifeltmyselfdeflate.“Whywouldyouwantto
switchseats?”Mr.Buckleyasked.Ithoughthewouldoutme.
PlaythetattletaleandletMr.BuckleyknowIwaspassingnotes.Itwasn’tasifIdidn’t
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deserveit.ButRyderhadmoreintegritythanthat.WhichwasoneofthereasonsI’dfallenforhim,Iguess.“I’mhavingtroubleseeing
theboard,”Rydersaid.“CouldIsitcloser?”IfeltlikeI’djustbeen
kickedinthechest.Isankbackintomyseat,tryingnottoletmyfeelingsshow.
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Mr.Buckleysighed.“Sure.Comeonup.Andmaybethinkaboutgettingsomereallensesforthoseglassesofyours.”Hehadn’tsatnearmesince.Amycouldn’tavoidme
quiteaseasily,butdamnifshedidn’ttry.Wemayhavelivedunder
thesameroof,butAmydid
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herbesttoneverbeinthesameroomasme.WhenIwalkeddownstairs,shewentbackupthem.WhenIcameintothekitchen,shemovedtothelivingroom.WhenIenteredtherecroom,sheranout.“You’vegottotalktome
eventually,”IsaidoneSaturdayasshebrushedpast
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me,headingoutofthekitchen.I’dhadenoughofthesilenttreatment.WhenAmydidn’tlook
back,Ifollowedher.“Comeon,Amy,”Isaid.“I
knowyou’repissed,andI’msorry.Ishouldn’thavelied.HowmanytimesdoIhavetoapologize?”Shestoppedatthefootof
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thestairsandturnedtofaceme.ThatsamedarkglintI’dseenthedaysheoutedmetoRyderwasthere.Thatraresparkofanger.“Howmanytimes?”Amy
asked.“Idon’tknow,Sonny.You’veapologizedalotinthepast.ButI’mstartingtothinkthatwordsdon’tmeananythingtoyou,becauseyou
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alwaysjustgoanddosomethingworse.”Shewasn’twrong.I’d
apologizedformakingherflirtwiththatguyonBlackFriday.I’dapologizedforthetextstoRyder.I’dapologizedforhowlongmyplanhadtakenbeforeswearingI’dbehonest.ButI’djustkeptgoing,makingitworseand
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worse.“I’msorry,”Isaidagain,
becauseIhadnocluewhatelseIcouldsay.“Imeanit.IjustgotsocaughtupineverythingwithRyderandme….Amy,wehavetoworkthisout.We’rebestfriends.We’reSonnyandAmy.Youmeanmoretomethananyone.”
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“DoI?”“Ofcourse,”Isaid.“Thenwhydoyoudothis?”
shedemanded.Itwasthefirsttimeshe’deverraisedhervoicetome,thatcalmcoolnesstotallygone.“IfI’msoimportanttoyou,howcanyoukeepwalkingalloverme?”“I—”
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Sheshookherhead.“Letmetalknow.Youalwaysdothetalking,Sonny.That’stheproblem.Youneverletmespeak.Imightbeaquietperson,butthatdoesn’tmeanyouhavetospeakformeorspeakoverme.”“Ispeakforyoubecause
youdon’tspeakup!”Iargued.“That’swhatIdo.I
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defendyou.Iprotectyou.”“Ineveraskedyouto,”she
said.“Andthat’sdefinitelynotwhatyou’vebeendoinglately.Noneofthishadanythingtodowithhelpingme.Itwastohelpyou.BecausewhenIdidspeakup,whenItoldyouhowIfeltinTennessee,youjustwalkedalloverme.Completely
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disregardedeverythingIsaid.Howisthatdefendingme?”“Amy—”“I’mgoingtotalkoveryou
thistime!”sheshouted.Itwassostartling,soun-Amy-like,thatItookastepback.“Youaresoselfish,”shecontinued.“YousaythatI’myourbestfriend,butyouusedme.Youpretendedtobeme.
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Ican’tunderstandthat.”“Becauseeverything’seasy
foryou!”Iyelledback.“AmyRush:beautiful,rich,sweet.Agoodfamily.Agoodfutureaheadofyou.Everythingjustfallsintoyourfuckinglap!”“That’snottrue.”“Oh,right,”Isaid.“You’re
shy.Whatafreakingchallenge.Howhardthat
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mustbe,”Iscoffed.“Youdon’tevenrealizehowgoodyouhaveit.Orhowharditisfortherestofus.Guesswhat,Amy?We’renotgoingtoberoommatesincollege.BecauseIneverappliedanywhere.”Amyblinked,startled.
“What?”“I’mnotgoingtocollege,”I
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said.“Ifyoustoppedandthoughtaboutitfortwoseconds,you’dknowthere’snowayI’mgoingtoDartmouthorBrownorwhatever.Idon’thavemoney.Yourparentsarepayingformygasrightnow!Idon’tevenhaveafamilytosignthedamnfinancialaidforms.You’regoingto
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college,andIhavenofuckingcluewhatI’mdoingafteryouleave.”“Soyouliedtomeabout
that,too.”“Yeah,”Isaid.“Idid.”Sheshookherhead,then
turnedandwalkedupthestairs.Ifollowedher.“That’sit?”Iasked.Iwas
riledupnow.AmyandIhad
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neverbeeninafightbefore.UsuallyshejustgotquietandIwaitedforhertocomearound.We’dneveryelledateachother.Itusedtobeapointofpride,actually,butnowIwantedtoyell.IknewI’dregretitlater,butatthemoment,IwantedtomakeherhurtasmuchasIdid.“Yeah,”shesaid,stopping
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inherbedroomdoorway.“That’sit.I’mdone,Sonny.I’mdonelettingyoupushmearoundandusemeand…”Sheletoutalongbreath.Shewascalmnow.Quiet.“Ialwaysknewyouwerealiar,”shesaid.“Ijustneverthoughtyou’dlietome.GuessIwaswrong.”Myinstinctwastogetthe
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lastword.Thatthepersonwhospokelastwonthefight.Logical,Iknow.Butherwordshitmeharder
thananythingelseshe’dsaid.Asitturnedout,Ididn’tneedtomakeAmyhurtnow.Ialreadyhad.AndbeforeIcouldcomeup
withanythingtosay,anythingthatwouldmakeme
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feelevenmomentarilyvictorious,Amyslammedthedoorinmyface.
***
Ourfightwentonforanotherweek.Coldshoulders,angryglares,slammingdoors.Ispentmostofmytimeintheguestroom,wallowinginmymisery.Morethanonce,Ifound
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myselfdialingRyder’snumber,wantingtohearhisvoice,togethisadviceonwhattodo,tohavehimmakemelaugh.ThenI’drememberthathehatedme,too,andI’dbeleftevenmorecrushedthanI’dbeenamomentbefore.I’dhopedAmy’sparents
hadn’tpickeduponthe
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tensioninthehouse,butofcoursetheyhad.“Sonny,”Mrs.Rushsaid
fromoutsidethebedroomdoor.“Canwecomeinasecond?”“Yes,”Isaid,sittingup.I’d
beenlyingonmyback,staringattheceiling,contemplatinghowawfulmylifewas.Youknow,
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productivestuff.“Comeonin.”Mr.andMrs.Rushstepped
inside,andMr.Rushshutthedoorbehindhim.Iknewbythelooksontheirfacesthatnothinggoodwasgoingtocomeofthis.“Wewantedtocomeinand
checkonyou,”Mrs.Rushsaid,sittingontheedgeofthe
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bed.“Weknowthatthings
betweenyouandAmyhavebeen…off,”Mr.Rushsaid.Understatementofthe
century.“Yeah…Um.I’mokay.”“That’sgood,”Mrs.Rush
said.“YouknowwelovebothyouandAmy,andwe’resureyoutwowillworkthis
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outeventually.”Iwasgladshewas,because
Iwasn’tsosure.“Wedon’tknowwhat’s
goingonbetweenyoutwo,”Mr.Rushsaid.“You’vebeenveryquietonthetopic.Andthat’syourprerogative.Wejustwantyoutoknowthatwe’rehereforyouboth.”Icouldsensethe“but”
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coming.“We’vebeenthinking,
though,”Mrs.Rushsaid.“Thishasbeengoingonfortwoweeks,and…maybethebestthingforbothofyouistotakesometimeapart.Togetsomespacefromeachother.”“Oh.”Ifeltthepanicbeginningto
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rise.BecauseIknewwhatcamenext.Iknewwhattheyweregoingtosay.AnditwasthelastthingI
wantedtohear.“We’vebeenhappytohave
youhere,”Mr.Rushsaid.“Butlivingtogetherishard.Evenforbestfriends.Soperhapsit’stimeforyoutogohome.”
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Theyinsistedondrivingme.ItoldthemIhadGert.Itold
themIcouldgoalone.Itoldthemnottoworry.Buttheywouldn’thearit.Wepulledintothedriveway
aroundnoon,andeventhoughitwassurprisingly
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sunnyforthebeginningofMarch,everythingaboutmyhouseseemeddarkandgray.Likeitwashaunted.Liketherewasapermanentshadowhangingoverit,clingingtothetreebranchesinthefrontyard.“Youdon’thavetocome
in,”Isaid,forcingmyselftosoundconfident.“Icantalk
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toMomonmyown.”“Issheevenhere?”Mrs.
Rushasked.“There’snocarinthedriveway.”“She’s…she’sprobablyat
work,”Isaid.“She’llbehomesoon.Ihavemykey,so…”“Whydon’twewaitwith
you,”Mr.Rushsaid.Itwasn’taquestion,though.He
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andMrs.Rushwastednotimeunbucklingtheirseatbeltsandgettingoutofthecar.ButIstayed,frozeninthe
backseat.No.No,itcouldn’thappenlike
this.“Comeon,Sonny,”Mrs.
Rushsaid,openingthedoor
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nexttome.“It’llbeokay.Iknowit’sprobablyscarytoconfrontyourmom,butthat’swhywe’rehere.”Butthatwasn’twhatwas
scaringme.Iclimbedoutofthecar,
tryingtokeepmycomposureaspanicbubbledinmystomach.Ifumbledformykey,whichhadspentmonths
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atthebottomofmypurse,unused,unwanted.Ihesitatedbeforeslidingitintothelock.“Iappreciateyoucoming
withme,”Isaid.“Butreally,youdon’thavetostay.It…it’llprobablybebetterifItalktoheralone.Icancallyouafter—”“Ithinkweshouldbehere,”
Mr.Rushsaid.“Basedon
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whatyoutoldusbefore,yourmomhasatendencytooverreact.Ifwe’rehere,maybeshe’llkeepacoolerhead.”“Wejustwanttomakesure
everything’sokay,”Mrs.Rushsaid,rufflingmyhairalittle.“Let’sgooninside,Sonny.It’scoldouthere.”Myhandswereshakingso
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hard.“Youreallydon’thaveto—”“Weknow,”Mr.Rushsaid.
“Butwewantto.”Withbothoftheireyeson
me,Ihadnootherchoicebuttounlockthefrontdoorandlettheminside.Thelivingroomwasdark,
theblindsdrawn,andthestaleodorofitnearly
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suffocatedme.Ishiveredinmyjacket.Itwasn’tmuchwarmerinside.Outofthecornerofmyeye,InoticedMr.andMrs.Rushglanceateachother,andthepanicroseupintomythroat.“Mymommightbea
while,”Isaid.“Sheworksweirdhours.”“Wecanwait,”Mr.Rush
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said,buttherewasaskepticaltonetohisvoice.Hesatdownonthecouch,apuffofdustrisingaroundhim.Hehadthegracetopretendhedidn’tnotice.“Comesitwithme.We’llwaittogether.”“Um…”Ilookedoverat
Mrs.Rush,whoseemedtobescopingouttheplace,hereyesinvestigatingevery
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cornerofthelivingroom.“Youknow,mymommightnotbeokaywithcominghometofindsomanypeopleinthehouse.Youdon’tknowthisabouther,butshe’sreallyanintrovert.Thismightbetoooverwhelmingand—”“Sonny,”Mr.Rushsaid,“is
theresomethingwrong?”“No.”Butmyvoice
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cracked.“No,I’mjustworriedmymomwon’tbeokaywiththiswhenshegetshome.Ireallyshouldjusttalktohermyself.”“It’ssodarkinhere,”Mrs.
Rushsaid.“Letmegetthelight.”“No!”Butitwastoolate.She’d
flippedtheswitchonthe
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wall.Andnothinghadhappened.“Sonny,”Mrs.Rushsaid
quietly,“istherenoelectricityhere?”“No…thebulb’sjustburnt
out.”“Theheat’snotoneither.”“Momlikesitcold.”“Sonny,”Mr.Rushsaid.“It’sfine.Everything’sfine.
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Youtwoneedtogo.”“Noone’sbeenherein
months,havethey?”Mrs.Rushasked.Hervoicewassosoft,sogentle,thatithurt.Itriedtolaugh,butitcame
outmaniacalandcold.“Don’tberidiculous.Mom’shereeveryday.She’llbehomesoon.”Mr.Rushstoodupand
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walkedovertome,puttingahandonmyshoulder.“Youdon’thavetolietous.Justtelluswhat’sgoingon,okay?”Andthat’swhenitbroke,
everyounceofcoolI’dkeptoverthepastfewmonths.Maybeitwasthishouse.MaybeitwastheunwaveringkindnessinMr.Rush’svoice.
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Maybeitwasbeingtoldnottolieforthethousandthtime.Butitjustsnappedandfellaway.Andtherewasnowayto
pulltogetherthepiecesnow.“Nothing’sgoingon!”I
screamed.Itleftasharpacheinmythroat,andtearsspilledfrommyeyes.“It’sfine.Justgo!”
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“Sonny—”“Go!”IpushedMr.Rush’s
handoffmyshoulder.“Getout!”“Sonny!”Mrs.Rushgasped.“Getout!”Iscreamedagain,
stompingmyfootandclenchingmyfists,likeachildthrowingatantrum.“Getout!Getout!Getthefuckout!”
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“Sonya!”Mrs.Rushgrabbedmyarm,butIyankeditaway.“Justleave!Momwillbe
heresoon—justGO!”Thetearswerehotasthey
rolleddownmyface.MywholebodyshookasIpleadedwithbothofthemtoleave.Leavesotheywouldn’t
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havetoknow.Wouldn’tfindout.Butitwastoolate.Theyknew.ThesecretI’dkeptfrom
everyone.ThemostpainfultruthI’dlockedaway.Itwasabouttocomeout,andIcouldn’tbearit.“Stop,Sonny.”Mr.Rush
caughtmywristsandpulled
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metohim,holdingmeinahugsotightIcouldn’tresistanymore.Ithrashedforaminutetono
avail.Iwastootired.Toohurt.“She’scomingback,”I
cried.“She’llbeheresoon.”“Shhh,”Mr.Rushsaid.“It’s
okay,Sonny.”Hepulledmetothecouch
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andwesankdowntogetherasIsobbedintohisshoulder.Hestrokedmyhair,thewaymydadhadwhenIwaslittleandhadnightmares.Noonehadheldmelikethisinalmostadecade.Ishould’vebeentoooldforit.Toooldtobecomfortedthisway.Butjustthen,Ifeltlikea
littlekidagain.
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Likethelittlekidwhohadbeenleftbehindallthoseyearsago.IcouldhearMrs.Rush
walkingaroundthehouse,butIneverlookedup.Ineverstoppedcrying.“She’sonherway,”I
mumbledeveryfewminutesorso.“She’scomingback.”Butnoonebelievedme
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anymore.Ididn’tbelieveme
anymore.Idon’tknowhowmuch
timepassedlikethat,buteventuallyMrs.Rushcametositdownonthecouchwithmeandherhusband.Sherestedahandonmyback,andtheshowofkindnessjustmademecryharder.
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WhenthetearsfinallyslowedandIwasabletocatchmybreath,Mrs.RushaskedthequestionI’dbeendreading.“Where’syourmother,
Sonny?”Ishookmyhead,butI
couldn’tlieanymore.Ididn’thavetheenergyorthestrength.
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“I…Idon’tknow.”“Howlonghasshebeen
gone?”“Awhile.”Iswallowedand
rubbedmyeyeswiththebackofmyhand.“Sheleavessometimes.But…butshealwayscomesback.Butthistime…”“Oh,Sonny,”Mr.Rush
murmured.“Youwerenever
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kickedout.”Ishookmyheadno.Theydidn’taskwhyI’d
lied,andforthatIwaseternallygrateful.Ididn’twanttotalkaboutit.Ididn’twanttotalkaboutanything.Iwantedtogobackintime.BeforetheRushessawthisempty,dusty,lonelyhouse.BeforeIfuckedupeverything
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withAmyandRyder.BeforeIwasalone.“Comeon,”Mr.Rushsaid.
“Let’sgo.”“No,”Isaid,clutchingathis
arm.Ihatedmyself.IhatedthepatheticsoundofmyvoicewhenIsaid,“Don’tleaveme.Please.”“Oh,sweetheart.”Mrs.
Rushwrappedherarms
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aroundme.“No.Sonny,we’renotleavingyouhere.You’recomingbackwithus,okay?”“ButAmy—”“Lovesyou,”Mr.Rushsaid.
“Andsodowe.”“Whateverisgoingonwith
youtwo,you’llworkitout,”Mrs.Rushsaid.“Andshe’dwantyoutocomebackwith
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us,too.”Iwasn’tsosureaboutthat,
though.NotaftereverythingI’ddone.ThiswasjustanotherlieI’dtoldher.Justanotherreasonforhertohateme.Mr.Rushwalkedmeoutto
thecarwhileMrs.Rushgatheredsomemoreclothesfrommybedroom.Noneof
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ussaidawordonthedrivebacktotheirhouse.Istaredoutthewindow,myeyeswetandburning.Itwasover.Thecatwasout
ofthebag.Ifeltnaked,humiliated.Raw.Whenwegotbacktothe
Rushes’house,Amywassittinginthelivingroom,watchingTV.Shelooked
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stunnedtoseemewalkthroughthedoor.Iturnedmyfaceawayfrom
her,hiding.Ididn’tsayawordtoanyone,justranupthestairstotheguestroomwhereI’dbeenstaying.Ididn’tmeantoslamthe
doorbehindme,butIdid.Ifellontothebed,myface
inthepillow.ButIdidn’tcry.
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Icouldn’t.Thereweren’tanytearsleft.
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Ididn’tleavetheguestroomfortwodays.PartlybecauseIwassadand
miserableanddidn’twanttoinflictmypainonanyoneelse.ButmostlybecauseIwasashamed.Ashamedofmymeltdowninfrontof
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Amy’sparents.Ashamedofthetruth.Mr.andMrs.Rushknocked
onthedoorafewtimes,butIdidn’tanswer.IwantedtogotoAmy,to
findsafetyandcomfortwithherthewayIalwayshad.IwantedtocallRyder,orbetteryet,tohavehimherewithme.Tohavehimputan
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armaroundmeandtellmeitwouldbeokay.TosaysomethingpretentiousandridiculoussoIcouldmakefunofhimandstopthinkingabouteverythingelse.Imissedthem.But,morethananything,I
wantedtobarricademyselfinthisroom,tobealoneforever,punishingmyselfforevery
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awfulthingI’ddone.Eventually,however,my
needforfoodoutweighedmydesiretolockmyselfawayRapunzel-style.Iwaiteduntileveryoneelsewasasleepbeforesneakingdowntothekitchen.Atleast,Ithoughteveryone
wasasleep.“Whydidn’tyoutellme?”
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IlookedupfromthebowlofcerealI’djustpoured.Amywasstandinginthekitchendoorway,dressedinpink-and-black-stripedpajamasandfuzzygreenslippers.IduckedmyheadandfocusedmyattentionontheCocoaPuffsIwasabouttoconsume.“Ithoughtyou’dbeasleep,”
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Isaid.“Ihaven’tsleptwelllately.”
Shewalkedpastmeandopenedacabinet,grabbingabowlforherself.Onceshe’dfilleditwithcereal,shecameovertotheislandandstoodacrossfromme.“Myparentstoldmewhathappenedatyourhouse….Igetwhyyoudidn’twantthemtoknow,
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butwhydidn’tyoutellmeshewasgone?Iwould’vekeptitsecretforyou.Iwould’vetriedtohelp.”Therewasanoteofhurtinhervoice.“Iknowyouwouldhave,”I
said,swirlingmyspooninmybowl.Myappetitewaswaningallofasudden.“But…itwasn’taboutadmittingit
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toyou.Itwasaboutadmittingittomyself.”“Whatdoyoumean?”Ishrugged.“Idon’tknow.It
waseasiertosayshe’dkickedmeoutfordoingsomethingwrong.ThenIcouldpretenditwastrue.Ithurtlessthanacknowledgingthatshe’d…she’dleftme.Justleftme.”“Doyouhaveanyidea
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whereshewent?”Ishookmyhead.“No.She
wasseeingaguy.Sheprobablytookoffwithhimsomewhere.Whoknows?It’snotlikeit’sthefirsttime.”I’dcalledmymother
“flaky”foryears,butthatwasanunderstatement.FromthetimeIwaseleven,Ineverknewifshe’dbehomewhen
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Igotoffthebusafterschool.Sometimesshe’dstickaroundformonths,andthingswouldbealmostnormal.Shemightforgetmybirthdayoraccidentallylockmeoutofthehouse,butshewasaround.Andthen,sometimes,she
wasn’t.Iwasinsixthgradethefirst
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timeshepulledherdisappearingact.She’dbeenseeingthisguy,Dave.Hewasyoungerthanher,andeventhenIknewhewaskindofaloser.Oneday,Icamehomeandthehousewasempty.Luckily,bythen,Iknewhowtotakecareofmyself.Ilivedoffcerealandmicrowavablemeals,evenwhenshewas
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home.She’dcomebackthreedays
later,tannedandhappy.DavehadsuggestedanimprompturoadtriptoFlorida,andshecould’veswornshe’dleftanote.Asifthatmadeitbetter.AfterDaveitwasCarl.AfterCarlitwasTrevor.AndthenIstoppedkeeping
upwiththeirnames.Itwasn’t
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likeIsawthemmuch,anyway.SometimesMomwouldbegonefordays,andI’dfindoutlatershe’djustbeenacrosstown,crashingatherboyfriend’shouse.Sometimesshe’dvanishforaweek—ashoppingtripinAtlanta,aromanticgetawayinSt.Louis,aweekinChicago.Shelostseveraljobs
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becauseofthoserandomtrips.SowhenIcamehomeone
afternoonlastSeptember,Iwasn’tsurprisedtofindhergone.Butaweekturnedtotwo.Tothree.Tofour.She’dneverbeengonethat
long.Andthehousewastoo
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quiet.Thenightmareshappenedalmosteverynight.SoI’dcalledAmy,toldher
Ineededaplacetostay.ToldherI’dbeenkickedout,becauseIdidn’tknowhowtosaythetruth:thatmymomwasgoneforrealthistime.Thatshe’dleft,andIdidn’tthinkshe’dbecomingback.“I’msorry,”Amysaid.“But
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maybethingswillgetbetter.Myparentsusedtobegoneallthetime,too,and—”“It’sdifferent,”Isaid.
“Yourparentsweregone,buttheypaidthebills.Theymadesureyouhadaplacetostay.Youcouldcallthem,andyouknewthey’dbebackeventually.Ihaven’theardfrommymomin…five
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months?”Ipushedmybowlaway,barelytouched.“Herphonedoesn’tevenworkanymore.ForallIknowshecouldbedead.”“Don’tsaythat.”“EvenifIdon’tsayit,I
can’tnotthinkit.And—thisisterrible,but—sometimesIwonderifthatwouldmakemefeelbetter.IfIknewshe
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hadn’tcomebackbecauseshecouldn’t.Notbecauseshedoesn’tcare.”Ishookmyhead.“Sorry.That’smorbid.YoualreadythinkI’mabadpersonandIjusttoldyouIwishmymotherwasdead.Nicejob,Sonny.”“Idon’tthinkyou’reabad
person,”Amysaid.“No.Justabadfriend.”I
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pickedupmybowlandtookittothesink,dumpingmyfoodintothegarbagedisposal.OnceitstoppedrunningandIturnedaround,IfoundAmystaringatme.“CanItellyousomething?”
sheasked.“Sincewe’rebeinghonestwitheachother?”“Sure.Whatisit?”Amychewedonherbottom
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lipandlookeddownatherownbowl.“ImeanteverythingIsaidtheotherday.Aboutyoupushingmearound.Butthat’snottheonlyreasonIwasmad.”“Whatdoyoumean?”“It’salwaysbeenjustus,
youknow?”shesaid.“SonnyandAmy.AmyandSonny.Wewereateam.Andthen
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everythingstartedhappeningwithRyder,anditfeltlikeyouonlywantedmearoundtohelpyouwinhimover.”Ryder.Justthementionof
himcausedapainfulacheinmychest.Amycontinued,“Andit
wasn’tjustthatyouwerepushingmearound—I’mkindofusedtothat.”
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Igrimaced.Thatwasn’tsomethingIwantedmybestfriendtobe“usedto.”“It’sthatyouweredoingit
forhim.Youweredoingeverythingforhim.Youtalkedabouthimallthetime.AndIstartedtorealizeyouweren’topeninguptomethewayyouusedto.Youweretellinghimthingsinstead.I
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didn’tevenknowyou’dwrittentoyourdaduntilhecalledonChristmas.That’sthekindofthingyouusedtotalktomeabout.AndthenwhenyoustarteddatingRyder,youhardlyspenttimewithme.Iwasjealous.SowhenI’dfoundoutyou’dliedabouttellinghimthetruth…Itreallyhurt,Sonny.Ididn’t
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feellikewewereateamanymore.It…itfeltlikeyoudidn’tcareaboutme.”Shelookedupatme,eyes
wideandalittlewet.Andseeingheronthebrink
oftearsbroughtmethere,too.“I’msorry.Forallofit.Of
courseIcareaboutyou,Amy.Morethananybody.You’remybestfriend.Inevermeant
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tohurtyou.”Itookadeepbreath.“PartofthereasonIspentlesstimewithyouafterIstarteddatingRyderwasthewholecollegething.”Amylookeddownather
feet.“Ishouldn’thavesaidall
thattheotherday,aboutyouhavingitsoeasy.”“Youweren’twrong,”she
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said.“Istillshouldn’thavesaid
it.AndIshouldn’thaveliedtoyouaboutcollege,”Isaid.“Buteverytimeyoutalkedaboutit,Ijustfelt…scared.BecauseIknewyou’dbeleavingme.AndIknewthatifyouknewIwasn’tgoing,you’dbeupset,too,and…Idon’tknow.Ididn’twantto
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thinkaboutit.AndIdidn’thavetowhenIwaswithRyder.”“I’msorrythatIjust
assumedyouweregoing,”shesaid.“IguessIdotakethegoodthingsinmylifeforgrantedsometimes.”“Ithinkwe’rebothprobably
guiltyofthat.”Shehesitated.“Whydidyou
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lietomeabouttellingRyderthetruth?”“BecauseIdidn’twantyou
tobemadatme?”Isaid.“Thatsoundsridiculousinhindsight.ButIguessIjustthought…IthoughtthatifIlied,Imightbeabletokeepyouboth.Instead,Ilostyouboth.”“Youdidn’tloseme,”she
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said.“Butyouwillifyoukeepdoingthis.”“Iknow,”Isaid,wrapping
myarmsaroundmyself.“Butit’sscarytotellthetruthsometimes.I’vealwaysbeenabletohidebehindlies.Toshieldmyself.”“Whatareyoushielding
yourselffrom?”sheasked.“Judgment?Scorn?Idon’t
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know.”Iwantedtolierightthen.Togetoutofthisconversationbeforeitgottoohonest.ButAmywasright.Icouldn’tkeeplying.“Thefunnythingis,IhidbehindliesbecauseIwasscaredthat…thatifpeoplekneweverything,sawallofme,they’dtakeoffrunning.Likemymomdid.SoI’donlylet
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bitsandpiecesshow.Instead,theliesendedupdrivingeveryoneaway.”“Noteveryone,”shesaid.
“You’vegottheRushesinyourcorner.Butyou’vegottostartlettingusin.Lettingushelp.Youknow…youmentionedcollege.”“Idon’twanttotalkabout
thatanymore.”
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“Justhearmeout,”shesaid.“That’sanotherthing.Nomoretalkingovermeorpushingmearound.That’sgottochange.”Inodded.“Sorry.”“That’sonme,too,”she
said.“I’vegottostartspeakingup.I’vegottostopbeingquiet,weakAmyandstartbeing…FierceAmy.”
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“FierceAmy?”Icouldn’thelpbutlaugh.“Someone’sbeenwatchingAmerica’sNextTopModel.”Sheignoredme.“Backto
thecollegething.Itmightbetoolatefornextsemester,butthatdoesn’tmeanitcanneverhappen.Therearescholarships—I’llhelpyoufindthem.Andmyparents
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aren’tjustgoingtokickyououtonthestreetafteryougraduate.”“Ican’tletthemkeeptaking
careofme.”“Thenyoucanpaysome
rentwhenyoufindajob,”shesaid.“Butletushelp.You’repartofthefamily,Sonny.Whetheryoulikeitornot.You’restuckwithus.”
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“IguessIcanthinkofworsepeopletobestuckwith,”Isaid.“Butwhataboutus?Arewebacktonormal?SonnyandAmy?”“Notquite,”shesaid.
“That’sprobablygoingtotakeawhile.Iloveyou,Sonny,butyou’regoingtohavetoprovethatIcantrustyouagain.Thatyou’renot
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goingtolietomeanymore.”“Icandothat,”Iassured
her.“It’llbeahardhabittobreak,but…butIcantakeanoath.Avowofhonesty.”“Thatsoundsalittlemore
dramaticthanwhatIwashopingfor,butokay.”Sheputherbowlinthesink.Shehadn’teatenmuchofhermidnightsnackeither.“Now
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comeon.Iknowit’ssilly,butIhaveahardtimesleepingwhenyou’reintheotherroom.”Weheadedtowardthestairs
together.“Youknow,”Isaid.“Whilewe’retryingtobuildahealthierfriendship,wemightwanttodealwithourwholecodependencything.”“Probably,”sheagreed.
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“Butmaybeanothernight.”
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“Okay.Heregoes.Ahem.I,SonnyElizabethArdmore—”“Shouldn’titbeSonya?”
Amyasked.“No.”“I’mjustsaying,ifyou’re
goingtobeallofficialabout
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it,itshouldprobablysayyourfullname.”“Ugh.Fine.”Ipickedupa
penandscratchedoutSonnybeforescribblingSonyaaboveit.“There.Sonya.Happy?”Amyshrugged.“Personally,
Istillthinkthewholethingisalittleontheridiculousside.ButIguessthat’snotreallya
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surprisecomingfromyou.”“Forgivemeforlikinga
littlebitofformalitywhenitcomestotakingmyoaths.”Ipickedupmypaperagainandclearedmythroat.“I,SonyaElizabethArdmore,hereaftersweartotellthewholetruth,nothingbutthetruth,sohelpme—”“Isn’tthatplagiarism?”
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Ilookedup.“Huh?”“Aren’tyouplagiarizingthe
oathpeopletakeonthestand?”Amyasked.“Idon’tknowifthat’s
plagiarism.”“Itmightbe.”“WhatifIchangethelast
bit?From‘sohelpmeGod’to‘sohelpme’…Gert?”“I’mnotsureifithasquite
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thesamepower?Gertcan’tsmiteyou.”“No,butshecanstop
runningwhileI’minthemiddleofabusyhighwayandgetmekilled.”“Fairpoint.”IscratchedoutGodand
replaceditwithGerttoavoidanypossibleplagiarismallegations.
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“Okay.Lasttry.I,SonyaElizabethArdmore,hereafter—”“Shoulditbe‘hereafter’or
‘hereby’?”Idroppedthepaperback
ontothedesk.“Igiveup.I’mneverreadinganythingoutloudtoyouagain.”Amygiggled.“Sorry.It’s
justhardtotakethis
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seriously!I’mgladyou’redeterminedtostoplying,butisthisreallynecessary?”“Yes.Thismakesitofficial.
AnditgivesyoulicensetopunishmeifIbreaktheoath.”“Well,inthatcase…”She
stoodupfromthebedandwalkedovertowhereIwassitting.“IknowI’mteasing
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you,butIreallyamgladyou’redoingthis,Sonny.Nottheoath—thatdoesn’tmattertome—butjusttryingtotellthetruth.”“It’sterrifying,”Iadmitted.
“Itshouldn’tbe.Iknowitshouldn’tbe.ButI’vebeenabletohidebehindmade-upstoriesforsolong,beinghonestfeelslikebeing
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vulnerable.”Ipickedupthepen.“Butclearlythelyingdidn’tdomeanyfavors,so…”Ileanedforwardandscribbledmysignaturebeneaththetyped-outoath.“So,there.It’sofficial.Nomoreliesforme.Noteventinywhiteones.”“Hey,Sonny,whatdidyou
thinkofthechickenDad
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madelastnight?”“Icanstillpleadthefifth.”Amychuckled.Ipickedupthesignedoath.
“CanIframethis?Dowehaveaframe?”“I’msurewecanfindone.”
Shesmiledatthepieceofpaper.“Ithinktellingthetruthwillearnyousomeseriouskarmapoints,too.
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HaveyoutalkedtoRyder?”“Karmadoesn’tlikemethat
much.AndneitherdoesRyder.Hestillwon’tspeaktome.”TherewasasqueezingfeelinginmychestandthethreatoftearswheneverImentionedhim.Itookadeepbreathandtriedtoshakeitoffbeforestandingupandstretchingmyarmsovermy
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head.“IthinkIhavealongwaytogobeforetheuniversestartsdoingmeanyfavors.”Justthen,mycellphone
begantoring.IglanceddownatthescreenandwassurprisedtoseeanumberIrecognized.ItbelongedtoDaphne’s,oneoftheclothingstoresintheOakHillMall,whereI’dappliedbackin
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December.Amymusthavenoticedthe
startledsmileonmyface,becauseshelaughedandsaid,“Ormaybenot,”beforeprancingoutoftheroom.
***
Ihadmadeavowtobehonestabouteverythingandwitheveryone,nomatterhowdifficultitwas.
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AndthatmeantIhadtotalktomydad.Inperson.Itwasatwo-hourdriveto
thecorrectionalfacility,butMr.Rushassuredmethathedidn’tmindtakingme.Whenwearrived,aguard
pattedusbothdown,checkingthatweweren’tbringinginanythingillegal,thenwewerefreetoenterthe
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roomwheretheinmateswaited.Theroomwaslinedwithlong,rectangulartables.Thewearersoftheorangejumpsuitswereononeside,andtherestofuswereontheother.Imaynothaveseenmydad
inyears,butIknewhimtheminuteIsawhim.Mostlybecausehelookedsomuch
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likeme.Hishairwasblondandcurly,hisnosehadaslightupturn,andhisearsstuckoutjustalittlemorethanwasfashionable.Yep.Iwashisspittingimage,astheoldfolkssay.“Sonny.”Hisfacesplitinto
awide,boyishgrinwhenhesawme.“Wow.You’reagrown-up.Inmyhead,you’re
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stillthistall.”Heheldhishandjustabithigherthantheedgeofthetable.“Well,you’renottoofar
off,”Isaid.Ismiled,butthenerveswereeatingmealive.Thismanmightlookandsoundlikeme—Idefinitelygotmycharmfromhim,notMom—butIstilldidn’tknowhim.
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Hecouldhavebeenaliarlikeme,too.Hehadbeeninthepast.Dadlookedupandspotted
Mr.Rushstandingbehindme.“Hello,”hesaid.“Dad,thisisMr.Rush,”I
said.“He’smyfriendAmy’sdad.”“Oh,yeah.Irememberlittle
Amy.Andthat’swhereI
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calledyouonChristmas,right?AttheRushes’house?”Inodded.“Hi.I’mCollin,”Mr.Rush
said.“It’snicetomeetyou.”“You,too.”Dadhesitated.
“ThanksforbringingSonnyBunnyheretoseeme.Itakeithermotherrefused?She’salwaysbeenalittleonthedifficultside,ifyouknow
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whatImean.”Isatdowninthefolding
chairacrossfromDadandtookadeepbreath.Behindme,Mr.Rushclearedhisthroat.“I’mgoingtostepoutside
foraminute,”hesaid.“Giveyoutwoachancetotalk.”Whenhewasgone,Dad
turnedtome,confused.
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“What’sgoingon,SonnyBunny?”“Dad,I…Ineedtotalkto
youaboutMom.”Iletitallspilloutthen.
FromhershortdisappearanceswhenIwasyoungertohercompleteabandonmentnow.ItoldhimaboutstayingatAmy’sandhowkindtheRusheshad
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beentome.Itoldhimeverylittledetail,evenwhenithurtlikehelltosayaloud.BythetimeIwasdone,hisconfident,smiling,all-charmdemeanorhadfallenaway.Hisheadwasinhishands,
hisshouldersslumpedforward.Andhelookedlikeadifferentperson.Older.Haggard.Likesomeone
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who’dbeeninprisonforyears.“Fuck,”hesaid.“Goddamn
it.”“Dad?”“I’mso,sosorry,Sonny.”
AndIthoughthemighthavebeenonthevergeoftears.“Ihadnoidea.Yourmotherwasalwaysunreliable,butIdidn’tthinkshe’dever…”Hetook
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adeepbreathandlookedup,oureyesmeeting.“I’msorry.”“It’snotyourfault,”Isaid.“Yes,itis.I’myourfather.I
should’vebeenthere.Insteadofhere.”Therewasanoteofangerinhisvoicenow.ThisgrufftonethatIhadn’texpected.ItwassostartlingthatIscootedbackinmyseat
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alittle.“Ishould’vestayedintouchwithyou.”“Yousaidyoutriedtowrite
andcall.”“Ididn’ttryhardenough,”
headmitted.“ItoldmyselfI’ddoneeverythingIcould.I’magoodliarthatway.”“Yeah.Me,too.”“Ifiguredyou’dbefine
withyourmother.Shedidn’t
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wantmeinvolvedanyway,so…Butdamnit,ifIhadknownshe’ddothis,Iwould’ve…God,Icouldkillherforleavingyou.”“Maybedon’tsaythatwith
somanyguardsaround?”Isuggested.“Look,theimportantpartisthatyou’reherenow.”“Yeah.”Hereachedacross
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thetableandtookmyhandinhis,theangerinhisvoicefading.“I’mherenow.AndI’mnotgoinganywhere.”“Literally,”Ijoked.“Prison
andall.”Ipaused.“Sorry.Wasthatrude?I’vebeentoldIhaveabadhabitofundercuttingseriousmomentswithjokes.”ButDadwassmiling.“You
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getthatfromme.”“Ido?”“Oh,yeah,”hesaid.“It’s
gottenmeintotroubleafewtimes.Asforbeingstuckhere,though…Well,notformuchlonger.Ishouldbegettingoutinacoupleofmonths.”“Really?”Henodded.“And…Iknow
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youdon’treallyknowme,andIdon’tevenknowwhereI’llbelivingyet,andyou’llbegraduatingsoon,but…”Heclearedhisthroat.“ButIhopewecanspendmoretimetogetherthen.”“I’dlikethat,”Isaid.ButIwasn’tgettingmy
hopesupjustyet.Dadhadbeenoutofjailbefore.The
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questionwas,howlongwouldhestayout?Iwasn’treadytotrusthim
completely,butIwasreadytotry.Togivehimachanceandtolethimsurpriseme.NowthatheknewthetruthaboutMom,abouteverything,weatleasthadaplacetostart.Wetalkedforawhilelonger
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abouttheboringstuff:school,hobbies,etcetera.HeaskedaboutAmy,whomhevaguelyrememberedfrommychildhood,andheeveninquiredaboutmyromanticstatus.“Iactuallyjustwentthrough
abreakup,”IadmittedasthefamiliaracheofmissingRyderthrobbedinmychest
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again.“Oh,I’msorry,”hesaid,
squeezingmyhand.“Boysaretheworstandyoucan’ttrustanyofthem.Ishouldknow.”“Well,notinthiscase.In
thiscase,I’mtheonewhoshouldn’thavebeentrusted.”IwasgladthatMr.Rush
walkedinbeforemydad
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couldaskanymoreaboutthatsubject.Because—vowofhonestyandall—Iwouldhavehadtotellhimthetruth.“Sonny,”Mr.Rushsaid,
puttingahandonmyshoulder.“It’sabouttimetogo.”Dadstoodup.“Thankyou,”
hesaidtoMr.Rush.“Fortakingcareofmydaughter.”
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“There’snoneedtothankme,”Mr.Rushsaid.“WeloveSonny.We’regladtohaveher.”Theguardsignaledthatit
wastimeforustogo.IstoodupandhuggedDadoverthetable.Hisscentoverwhelmedme.Thesmellofgenericsoapand…him.Irememberedbeingthreeorfouryearsold,
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cryingafterI’dslammedmyfingerinthedoorasheheldmetohischest,rockingme,tellingmeitwouldbeokay.Fast-forwardfourteenyears,
andIwascryinginhisarmsagain.“Iloveyou,Sonny,”he
murmuredintomyhair.Heletmegoslowly,andI
wipedmyeyes,notsurewhat
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hadbroughtonthesuddentearsthistime.“Bye,Dad.”HewavedasMr.Rushled
meoutpasttheguards.Itwashardtowalkawayfromhim.Butwe’dgivethiswholefather-daughterthingarealtry.Andevenifitdidn’tworkout,ashardasthatwouldbe,IknewIwouldn’tbealonethistime.
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“Thankyou,”IsaidtoMr.Rushoncewewereinthecar.“Ofcourse,”hesaid.“I
don’tminddrivingyoutovisityourdad.”Ishookmyhead.Becausethatwasn’twhat
I’dbeenthankinghimfor.
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Meet me in the art roomat lunch.
IfrowneddownatthemessagefromAmy.Itwasn’tlikehertotextduringschoolhours.Why,thatwasbreakingtherules.SomethingAmyneverdid…unlessI
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madeher.Nonetheless,Imademy
waytowardtheartroominsteadofthecafeteria.IfiguredAmywantedtoshowmesomethingshe’dbeenworkingon—Iknewherartclasshadbeeninthemiddleofsomebigproject.AndIwaseagertotellhermygoodnews.I’dgottenane-mail
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fromDaphne’sthatmorning,lettingmeknowthatthey’dliketohireme.Apparently,Ihadwowedtheminmyinterview,andtheywantedmetostartimmediately.HopefullyIcouldholdonto
thisjobforawhile.Iwastiredofbeingpoor.ButwhenIwalkedintothe
artroom,Amywasn’tthe
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onlyonewaitingforme.“Ryder,”Isaid,startled.My
stomachwasalreadytwistingitselfintoknots.“Whatareyoudoinginhere?”“Hegotthesametextyou
did,”Amyexplained.“Ifiguredthatwasagoodwaytocommunicatewithyoutwo.Consideringtherecentpast.”
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Minorouchthere.“Butwhy?”Iasked.“I’mgoing,”Rydersaid,
movingtothedoor.Myheartsank.ButAmy—tomysurprise—blockedhim.“You’renot,”shesaid.
“You’restayinginhereuntilyoutwotalk.”Iblinkedather.“You’re…
trappingusinaclassroom?”
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“ItwastheonlywayIcouldthinkoftogetyoutwointhesameroom,”shesaid.Herboldnesswascompletelyunexpected.ShewasreallytakingthiswholeFierceAmythingseriously.“Noonewillbeinthisroomuntilafterlunch,soyouhavehalfanhour.Andyouhavealotoftalkingtodo.SoI’llbe
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outside.”Sheturnedandsteppedintothehallway,herhandontheknob.“Anddon’teventrytocomeout,”sheadded.“Iwon’tletyou.”Iwasstillstaring,myjaw
ontheground,assheclosedtheclassroomdoor.“Seemslikeyou’renotthe
onlymanipulativeoneinthisfriendship,”Rydermuttered
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asheslidintoaseat.Okay.Majorouch.“She’stryingtohelp,”I
said.Heshrugged,hisgaze
deliberatelypointedawayfromme.“Weshouldtalk,”Isaid.
“She’srightaboutthat.Evenifhermethodsarealittle…extreme.”
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“Ihavenothingtosay,Sonny.”Ifelthelplessbutpressed
on.“That’sfine,becauseIhaveplentytosay.”Iwalkedacrosstheroomandsatdownatthedeskacrossfromhis.Hedidn’thavetolookatme,hejustneededtolisten.“Iknowyouhateme,Ryder.Andyouhaveeveryreason
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to.ButImadeapromisetoAmy—andtomyself—thatI’dbehonestfromnowon.Andthatmeanstellingyouthetruth,too.”Itookadeepbreathand
claspedmyhandsinmylap,clutchingmyfingerssohardthatithurt.“SoIguessI’llstartatthe
beginning.Um…Itwasn’t
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…Inevermeantforanyofthistohappen.Thatfirstnight,whenyouIMedme—well,IMedAmy—Ididn’trealizeIwasonheraccount.We’dsentyouthatmeane-mail,andwebothfeltbadaboutit.SowhenIgotthatmessage,Ithoughtitwasforme.That’swhyIresponded.Andthenwetalkedallnight,
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andIdidn’tknowthatyouthoughtIwasAmyuntilyouloggedoff.Iwasgoingtotellyouimmediately,butyouwouldn’tletme.Itried,andyoujustcutmeoff—”“Soyou’reblamingthison
me?”Ryderasked,finallylookingatme.“No,”Isaidquickly.“No,
I’mnot.Becausewhat
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happenedafterthatisstillmyfault.”Iwentthroughthewhole
story,everylastdetail.Fromtheinstantmessageconversationstothestupid,convolutedplanI’ddraggedAmyinto,tothetextsandthekissing.Ispilledmygutsandlaidthemoutonthetablelikeanartproject.Andallthe
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while,Ryderstayedpainfullysilent.“Sothat’sit.That’showall
ofthishappened,”Isaid.“AndIknowit’sscrewedupandIknowIdidalotofbadthings,but…youshouldknowthetruth.”“Fine,”hesaid.“NowI
know.”Therewasalongpause.
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“Isthatallyou’regoingtosay?”Iasked.“Whatelsedoyouwantme
tosay,Sonny?”“Idon’tknow,”Isaid.
“Something.Anything.Imean,thiscan’tjustbeit.Acoupleofweeksago,youthoughtwehadafuturetogether.YousaidIwasincredible.”
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“Youweren’twhoIthoughtyouwere,”hesaid.“ButIwas!”Iwasonmyfeet,butI
didn’trememberstandingup.SomehowI’dbegunpacingbackandforthbetweenthedesks,myhandstwistinginmyhair.Ispuntofacehim,feelingdesperate,determinedtomakehimunderstand.
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“IwasexactlythegirlyouthoughtIwas,Ryder.IwasmorehonestwithyouthanIeverhavebeenwithanyone.EveninthetextsandtheIMs,Iwastellingyoumoreaboutmyselfthananyoneknew.Youjustdidn’tknowitwasme.ButeverythingItoldyou,aboutmymom…Ryder,you’rethereasonIcalledmy
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dad.Thereasonwemighthavearelationshipnow.I’veneverevenopeneduptoAmyaboutthat.Maybenoneofthatmeansanythingtoyou,butitmatterstome.”“Soyouwantmetoforgive
you?”hedemanded.Andthenhewasonhisfeet,too.“Youwantmetojustforgetallofthishappened?”
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“Ineversaidthat.”“Amymightbeabletoget
overeverythingyoudid,butI’mnotthatforgiving.”“Oh,believeme,Iknow.”“What’sthatsupposedto
mean?”Ithrewmyhandsintheair.
“Youknowwhat?I’mbeinghonesthere,soImightaswellbehonestaboutthis,too.
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I’mnottheonlyonewithproblems.”“Ihaveproblems?”“Haveyoucalledyourdad
yet,Ryder?”“Howdoesthathave
anythingtodowith—?”“Ithaseverythingtodowith
it,”Isaid.“WhenIfirstmetyou,youworshippedthegroundhewalkedon.You
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hatedyourmomfordraggingyouawayfromhim.Buttheminuteyoufoundouthewasn’tperfect,youflipped.Youthoughtyourmomwasasaintandyourdadwastheworsthumanwhoeverlived.”“Myparentshavenothingto
dowiththis,”hesaid.“Youputpeopleon
pedestals,Ryder.Youtell
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yourselfthatthey’reperfect.Youignorealloftheirflaws,untilonedaytheydisappointyoujustalittletoomuch,andthenyou’redone.Youcutthemoutandthinkthey’reworthless.”RyderandIweresoclose,
staringeachotherdown.Myheartwasbeatingsofast,andmybreathwasalittleragged.
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“Yourdadscrewedup,”Isaid,myvoicelowered.“Whathedidwasawful.Buthe’syourdadandhewantstobeapartofyourlife.You’relucky.Andyourmom—”“Stop,Sonny.”“She’snotperfecteither,”I
insisted.“Maybeshe’snotasselfishasyouthoughtshewaswhenyoufirstmoved
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here,butshemadesomemistakes,too.She’scoldandjudgmental.Andit’sokaytoseethat.Youcanlovepeopleandstillrealizethey’rescrewedup.”Ryderwassilentagain,and
stiffasaboard.Iswallowed,knowingI’d
crossedafewlines.Ihadn’tmeanttosayanyofthis.I’d
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beenholdingitback,knowingitwasn’tmyplacetogetinvolvedwithhisfamily.Butitwasn’tjusthisfamilyanymore.Now,Iwastheonewho’dfallenoffthatpedestal.“YoudiditwithAmy,too,
youknow.Youactedlikeshewassomesortofgoddess,evenwhenshewasrudeto
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you.Youignoredit.Youwereintotaldenial.Untilonedayyourealizedyoulikedmemoreand…andthenyouactedlikeshewastheworstpersonimaginable.”Ishookmyhead.“Andnowme.Thesamething.”Ilookeddownatmyfeet.
Staringupathimwastoomuch.Thosegreeneyeswere
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killingme,especiallywhenIcouldn’treadthematall.Avoiceinmyheadwasscreamingatmetostop.Toshutthehellup.ButIcouldn’tputthebrakesonnow.I’dcometoofar.“Youactlikepeopleare
eitherperfectorterrible,”Isaid.“Likethere’snothinginbetween.Butthereis.You
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mightthinkI’mterriblerightnow—maybeIam.Buttherewerethingsaboutmeyouliked.Thingsaboutmethat…”Iforcedmyselftolookbackup.“Thingsaboutmethatyouthoughtwereincredible.Thosethingsdon’tgoawayjustbecauseImessedup.”Westoodthere,staringat
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eachother,ourbodieslessthanafootapart,foralong,longtime.Myhandswereshaking,andIballedthemintofistsatmysides.Thiswasthelongest,mostpainfulsilenceofmylife.Finally,quietly,heasked,
“Areyoudone?”“No,”Imurmured.“Ihave
onemorehonestthingtotell
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you.”Itookadeepbreath.Theclassroomdooropened
andAmystuckherheadinside.“Sorrytointerrupt,”shesaid.“Butlunchisalmostover,so…”Thebellrang,rightoncue.WefollowedAmyoutinto
thehallway,justasahugecrowdofstudentsstampededtowardus.IturnedtoRyder,
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hopingtofinishwhatI’dbeenabouttosay,buthewasswallowedupbythecrowd.Ihadthesuddenurgetocry,
andIforceditaway.Forabrief,foolishsecond,I’dthoughtImightbeabletowinhimback.Butinstead,I’dlosthimagain.Amygrabbedmywristand
pulledmeintoalittlealcove,
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outofthepathofourrecentlyfedpeers.“How’ditgo?”sheasked.“Could’vegonebetter,”I
said.“Whatdidhesay?”“Notmuchofanything.”I
sighedandshookmyhead.“Ididn’tevenfinisheverythingIwantedtosay.”“Well,thenwe’vegotto
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makehimlistentoyou.Letyoufinish.”“How?”Iasked.“It’snot
likeyoucanlockusinaroomagain.Idon’tthinkhe’llfallforthattwice.”“You’reprobablyright,but
there’sgottobesomeway.”“Idon’tknowwhatitwould
be…unless…”Ipaused,anideadawningonme.
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“Uh-oh,”Amysaid.“That’syourschemingface.NowI’mscared.”“Don’tworry,”Isaid.“You
don’thavetobepartofitthistime.Itdoesn’teveninvolveanylies.AllIneedis…RememberthatboomboxWesleyhadwhenwewerelittle?Hewouldn’tstillhappentohavethat,would
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he?”
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Imaynothavebeenanoverlyromanticperson,butIdidhaveasoftspotforromanticcomedies.WhichmeantIalsohadasoftspotfortheclichéoftheGrandGesture.AndIwashopingRyderCrossdid,too.
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Theproblemwithgrandgestures,however,isthattheycanbereallyembarrassingforthegesturer.Butthen,maybethat’stherealgesture:showingthatyou’rewillingtomakeafoolofyourselfforanotherperson.ThesewerethethingsI
foundmyselfmusingoveras
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IstoodonRyder’sfrontlawnonaFridayafternoon,myhandstremblingasIhelda(surprisinglyheavy)boomboxovermyhead.Itwasblasting“OfLionsandRobots,”theGoatsVoteforMelonslovesongthatI’dbeguntoassociatewithRyder.Ifhismotherwasworried
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aboutwhattheneighborswouldthinkofmycar,thiswasgivingheraheartattack.Icouldseeherfaceinthelivingroomwindow,staringoutatmewithintensedisapproval.Itriedtoignorethatand
focusonlyonRyder’sbedroomwindow,which—sincehelivedinaone-story
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house—wasonlyafewfeetawayfrommyface.Iknewhewasinside.I’d
seenthecurtainsshift,sonowIstoodthere,holdingmybreath,anxiousandalittleterrifiedasIwaitedforhimtoopenthewindow.Buthedidmeonebetter.Hecameoutside.“Sonny?Whatareyou
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doing?”Iturnedandsawhim
headingdownthefrontsteps.“Gesturing,”Isaid,myheartracing.Ismiledandloweredtheboomboxalittle.Myarmswerekillingme.Slowly,hebegantowalk
towardme.“Youknow,Ilikeninetiesteenmovies,”hesaid.“JohnCusackholdinga
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boomboxoverhisheadisfromSayAnything,whichisaneightiesmovie.”“Yeah,well,youtryfinding
aniconic,grandromanticgesturethatisn’tlameinaninetiesteenmovie.AtleastIgotthesoundtrackright.”“GoatsVoteforMelons
grewonyou?”“Youwish.Ijusthappento
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likethisonesong.Andluckily,indorkyhipsterfashion,theyreleasedthisalbumoncassette.Weirdos.”Hestartedtosmile,butthen
hecaughthimself.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”heaskedagain.“Atschooltheotherday,in
theartroom,Ididn’tsayeverythingIneededto.”
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“Yousure?”heasked.“Yousaidquiteabit.”Icringed.“Imayhavegone
overboard.”“Well,youweren’tentirely
wrong.”Buthedidn’telaboratebeyondthat.“IsthattheflannelIgaveAmy?”Ilookeddownatthered
shirt.“Oh,yeah.Itis.She’snotreallyintogrunge—that
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wasallme—soshegavetome.”“Itlooksniceonyou,”he
said.“Thankyou.”Thesongon
theboomboxfadedaway,soIsetthearchaicmachinedowninthegrass.“Listen,Ryder,there’sonemorethingIneededto—”Thegaragedoorslidopen
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andMs.Tanner’scarbackedout,stoppinginthemiddleofthedriveway.Shehonkedthehornonce,thenstaredatusfromthedriver’s-sidewindow.“Areyougoing
somewhere?”IaskedRyder,surprised.“Theairport,”hesaid.“Oh.Whereareyou
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headed?”“DC.”MyfacesplitintoasmileI
couldn’tholdback.“You’revisitingyourdad?”“Yeah.Mom’snottoo
thrilledaboutit,but…Soyouhadsomethingyouwantedtosay,Sonny?”“Right.Yeah.”Itookadeep
breath.“IknowIsaidalotof
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thingstheotherday,aboutyourflaws.AndImeantit.You’repretentiousandstubbornandyoudrivemeinsanesometimes,but…Iloveyou.AndIjustneededyoutoknowthat.”There,I’dsaidit.Inow
wantedtothrowup.ButI’dsaidit.Ihadn’texpectedhimtosay
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itback.Ireallyhadn’t.Butforjustasecond,aswestoodthereinhisfrontyard,Ithoughthemight.Ithoughtmygrandgesture,myhonesty,mighthavewonhimover.Heopenedhismouth,but
beforeanywordscouldcomeout—“Ryder!”
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Webothturnedandsawhismotherleaningouttheopendriver’s-sidewindow.“We’vegottogo,”shesaid.“Yeah,”hesaid,looking
backatme.“I’vegottogo.”Hestartedtowalkaway,but
Ipanickedandgrabbedhisarmandnearlytrippedovertheboombox.“Wait,”Isaid.“Justwait.Can…canyou
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catchalaterflight?”“No,”hesaid.“Thatonly
worksinthemovies.”Iletgoofhisarm,feeling
defeatedalloveragain.“Sonny,I…”Hestopped
himself,thenshookhishead.“I’vegottogo,”herepeated.“Okay,”Isaid.IstayedwhereIwas,
watchingashewalkedaway.
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Heclimbedintothepassenger’sside,andhismomrolledupherwindow.SheactedasifIwasn’ttherenow,aheartbrokenteenagegirlwithanoldboomboxinthemiddleofherfrontlawn.Ifeltmybottomlipbeginto
tremble,andIchokedbackthelumpinmythroat.Ididn’twantanyone,but
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especiallyher,toseemecry.Istoodthere,tellingmyselfthatthiswasexactlywhatI’dexpected.ThatI’dhadnopreconceivednotionsofchanginghismindorconvincinghimtoforgiveme.ThatI’donlycomeheretotellhimhowIfelt,tofinishoffmyconfession.Butthatvowofhonesty
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meantIhadtobehonestwithmyself,too,andthetruthwas,partofmehadheldontohope.Somesmallpartofmehadthoughtthatthisbigromanticgestureanddeclaringmyloveforhimeighties-movie-stylewouldbeenough.Thatmaybeitwouldmakehimseethat,nomatterhowI’dscrewedup,I
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wasstillthegirlhe’dfallenfor.Twice.Buthismomwaspulling
outofthedrivewaynow,delicatelymaneuveringpastGert,andturningontothestreet.Chauffeuringhimofftoaplanethatwouldtakehimevenfartherfromme.It’sover,Ithought.Butthen—
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Maybeitwasjustmyimaginationorwishfulthinking,butIthoughtIsawRyderlookbackatmeastheydroveaway.
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Ididn’thearfromhim.Ididn’texpectto,butAmy
did.“Ithoughthewouldcall,”
shesaid.“Iwassurehewould.”“See,thisiswhyyouneed
someonelikemeinyour
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life,”Isaid.“Youaretoooptimisticforyourowngood,AmyRush.”Shesatdownnexttomeon
thebed.“Maybeafterspringbreak…Maybehe’sjustbusywithhisdadinDC.”Thatwaspossible.The
newscoveragedidmakeitseemliketheywereprettybusy.RyderandSenator
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Crosshadposedforphotoswithsomeforeigndiplomats,andGregJohnsonhaddoneawholestoryaboutit.SenatorCrossmightnot
haverepresentedourregion,butthathadn’tstoppedRyderfrombecomingabitofalocalcelebrity.Asmuchasseeinghimon
thescreenhadmademeache,
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ithadalsomademehappy.Inthephotos,Ryderlookedgenuinelypleasedtobetherewithhisdad.Ihopedthatmeanttheywereworkingthingsout.Amywrappedherarms
aroundmyshouldersandrestedherheadontopofmine.“Ifhecanforgivehisdad,maybehe’ll—”
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“Don’t,”Isaid.“Don’tgivemeareasontohope.Iscrewedup,Amy.Hehasnoreasontoforgiveme….ItoldhimIlovedhim,Amy.Andhedidn’tsayitback.”“He’sanidiot,”shesaid.“He’snot,butthankyou.”Asmuchasithadsuckedto
loseRyder,IknewIwasluckytohaveAmyback.
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KnowinghowmuchI’dhurtheroverthepastfewmonthsstillmademesick.Shewas,withoutquestion,themostimportantpersoninmylife.AndthemostselflessfriendIcouldhaveaskedfor.Iknewshedidn’tfullytrust
meyet,butwe’dfindourwaybackeventually.Andnomatterwhat,Iwouldnever,
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everletanything—aboy,alie,ormyowninsecurities—getbetweenusagain.“Thankyou,bytheway,”I
saidassheuntangledherselffromme.“Forlockingusinaroomtogetherandhelpingmefindtheboombox.I’mnotsureIeverwouldhavegottenhimtolistentomeifyouhadn’tdonethat.”
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“You’rewelcome,”shesaid.“Iwishithadmademoreofadifference.Ijustreallythoughtifheheardyouout…”“Itdidhelp,though,”I
assuredher.“Itwasn’tjustaboutgettinghimtoforgiveme.It’saboutbeinghonest.It’ssomethingI’mstillworkingon.”
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“IlikeHonestSonny.”“Good,becauseshe’shere
tostay.”Ifrowned.“Andhonestly?HonestSonnyisnotafanofthatpurplelipstickonyou.”“HonestSonnycangetover
it.”Igrinned.“Oh.FierceAmy
isfun,too.”Sheblushed,butshesmiled.
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IwasproudofAmy.Shewasstillshy,stillsweet,butshe’dstoppedlettingpeoplepushheraround.Evenme.Especiallyme.Amylookeddownatmy
phoneagain.“He’llcall,”shesaid.“Whatmakesyousosure?”
Iasked.“Idon’tknow.Ijustam.
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Youtwohadsomethingspecial,youknow?”“Yeah,Iknow,”Isaid.I
shookmyhead.“You’rebeingtooniceevenforyou.BringFierceAmyback.Hurry.”Shetossedherbrowncurls
overhershoulderandgrinned.“ThisisFierceAmy.AndIamfierceinmy
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assertionthathe’llcall.”Ilaughedandgottomyfeet
andextendedahandtoher.“Comeon,FierceAmy,”Isaid,pullingherup,too.“HonestSonnyishonestlystarving.”“Pizza?”Amyasked,
headingforthebedroomdoor.“Hellyes.”
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***
“Whoareyouwritingto?”Wesleyasked,lookingatthepiecesofpalebluestationeryIhadspreadacrossasectionofthediningroomtable.He’darrivedattheRushhouseonthefirstnightofspringbreakwithasuitcasefullofdirtylaundryandabiggrinonhisface.Asany
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collegestudentwould.Buttheweekwasnearlyover,andhe’dbeflyingbacktoNewYorkthenextday.AndI’dalreadyhandedhim
thelastofmypaymentstocoverGert’srepairs,thankstomynewjobatDaphne’s.Iwasnolongerindebttohim.Atleastnotfinancially.Thetruthwas,Iowedalot
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toWesleyandhisfamily.I’dneverbeabletopaythembackforeverythingthey’ddoneformeoverthesepastfewmonths.AndIknewthey’dneverletmeevenifIcould.“Mydad,”Isaid,shaking
outmyachingwrist.“We’vestartedwritingletterstoeachother.”
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Wesleysatdownacrossfrommewithhisbowlofcereal.Hisgrayeyesflickedoverthetable,countingthepagesI’dalreadyfilled.Iblushed.I’donlymeanttowritetwoorthree,butthisletterwasbeginningtoresembleanovel.“Whynottypeit?”he
asked.“Itwouldprobablybe
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faster.”“IthinkI’vehadmyfillof
technologyforawhile,”Iadmitted.Iputdownmypen,decidingtogivemywristabreak.ThiswasthemostI’dhandwritteninyears.“Besides.Thisfeelsmorepersonal.AndIthinkthat’swhatmydadandIneedrightnow.”
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Wesleysmiled.“Iamratherfondofhandwrittenletters.”“Youwriteletters?”“Iwroteacoupleinthe
past.You’reright.Theyaremorepersonal.”Hestaredoffforaminute,somethingwistfulinhissmile.Thenheshookhisheadandfocusedonmeagain.“Soeverything’sgoingallright
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withyouandyourdad?”“Yeah.It’snicetohavehim
backinmylife.Evenifithastobelikethis.Andhopefullyhe’llbeoutinafewmonthsand…wecangofromthere.”“Whataboutyourmom?
Haveyouheardfromher?”Ishookmyhead,and
Wesleyknewbetterthanto
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push.TalkingaboutMomwasstilltoohard.HalfthetimeIwasangryatherforleavingme,bitterandalmostgladIdidn’thavetolivewithheranymore.Theotherhalf,Iwasheartbroken,rejected.Shewasmymom,andIhadnocluewhereshewasorwhyshecouldn’tjuststayhome,staywithme.SometimesI
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blamedmyself.SometimesIwokeup,panickedfromanightmare,sureshewashurtordead.Maybeshewas.Ihadnowayofknowing.ButIwasn’talone.Ihadthe
Rushes,peoplewhoknewme,whohadseeneveryuglypartofme,andwholovedmeanyway.Maybeitwasn’tblood,butitwasfamily
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nonetheless.Andeventhoughitscared
metohopetoomuch,itwasstartingtolooklikeImighthavemydad,too.“So,”Wesleysaidafter
swallowinganotherbiteofcereal.“You’vegottocatchmeup.What’sbeengoingonwithyouandAmysinceJanuary?”
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Iraisedaneyebrow.“Wetalktoyouonthephoneeveryweek.”“Yes,butneitherofyoutell
meanythinginteresting,”hesaid,pointinganaccusatoryspoonatme.“AndwhileI’msureyourgradesandyournewjobarefascinating,Iwouldn’tmindsomethingjuicier.”
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Ilaughed.“Whatdidyouhaveinmind?”“Idon’tknow.”He
shruggedandchewedanotherbite.“Whathappenedwiththatguyyouweretellingmeabout?”Ididn’tneedamirrorto
knowthecolorhadjustdrainedfrommyface.LeaveittoWesleytoleaveone
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uncomfortablesubjectonlytolandonanother.“Nothing,”Imumbled,
pickingupmypenagainandhopinghe’dtakethehint.Hedidn’t.“That’sobviouslyalie,”he
said.“Ithoughtyouweretakingavowofhonesty?”Igroaned.“It’s…not
exactlyalie.Nothingis
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happeningwithusnow.”“Whynot?”Iputthepenbackdown
withgreatreluctance.“Fine,butyou’reonlygettingtheshortversion.”Itookadeepbreath,alltooawareoftheheavyacheinmychest.ItmadeitselfknowneverytimeIsomuchasthoughtofRyder.“Itturnsouthedid
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likeme,butIruinedit.Imessedthingsuptoomuch,andthere’snowayRyderisgoingtoforgivemenow.”Wesleywatchedmefora
minute,lookinglikehewastryingtocomeupwithsomethingtosay.Beforehecould,though,therewasabuzzingnoiseandmyphone,sittingonhissideofthetable,
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begantoplay“Konstantine”bySomethingCorporate.WhatcanIsay?I’dbeenfeelingratheremolately.Wesleyglanceddownatthe
screenandgrinned.“Youneverknow,”hesaid,slidingthephoneacrossthetabletome.“Hemightsurpriseyou.”Ilookeddownatthe
display,andIalmostdidn’t
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believethewords.RyderCrosswascallingme.“You’dbettergetthat,”
Wesleysaid,stillgrinning.Hestoodupandleftmealoneinthediningroomas,withshakinghands,Iclickedthebuttontoanswer.“H-Hello?”Ichokedout.“Hey,Sonny.”Itwashis
voice.Itwassoftand
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nervous,butitwashisvoice.Theweightinmychest
easedalittle.Ididn’tknowwhathewasgoingtosay.Hemightstillbemad,butifhewascallingme,itwasbecausehewantedtotalk.AndIhadbeensoscaredI’dnevertalktohimagain.ItfeltlikeI’dfinallygaspedforairafterholdingmybreathfor
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toolong.“Sonny?”hesaidagain
whenIdidn’tanswer.“This…thisisSonny,right?”“Yeah,”Isaid.Myvoice
crackedandIclearedmythroat.“Yeah.It’sreallymethistime.”
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ItwouldbealietosayIdidthisonmyown.Thetruthis,therehavebeenseveralamazingpeoplehelpingtoshepherdthisbookintoexistence,andIwanttotakeamomenttothankthem.Thankyoutomyeditor,
JodyCorbett,whoputso
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muchtimeandenergyintomakingthisstorythebestitcouldbe.Thankyoutomyagent,JoannaVolpe,whohadfaithinthisstoryevenwhenitwasjustahalf-formedideamentionedovercoffee.AndtothewholeNewLeafLiteraryandScholasticteams—therearenowordsforhowhappyandhonoredIamto
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workwithallofyou.SpecialthankstoPhoebe
North,wholovedthisstoryevenwhenIdidn’t.ToAmyLukavics,whoconstantlymakesmefeellikearockstar.AndtoLisaDesrochers,whomademelaughevenwhenIwasfeelingprettydown.I’msoproudtoknowallthreeofyoutalented,
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smart,amazingwomen.Thankstoeveryoneinmy
familyforbelievinginmewhilealsokeepingmegrounded.AndspecialthankstoMom,whoisalwaystherewhenIneedher,andDad,whoneverletsmedoubthowproudheis.I’mluckytohaveyouall.Andsincethisisabook
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largelyaboutfriendship,Iwouldberemissnottothankmyownbestfriends.ShanaHancock,it’shardtobelieveit’sbeenalmostnineyearssincethatdaywemetinhistoryclass.Wemaybeseveralstatesapart,butIadoreyoujustasmuchnowasIdidthen.GaelynGalbreath,you’retheAnnto
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myLeslie,mysoupsnake,andIcan’timaginemylifewithoutyouinit.Thankyoubothforalwaysbeingthereforme.Iloveyousomuch.
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KodyKeplingerwasbornandraisedinasmallKentuckytown.Duringhersenioryearofhighschool,shewroteherdebutnovel,TheDUFF,whichwasaYALSATopTenQuickPickforReluctantReadersandaRomanticTimesTopPick.Ithassince
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beenadaptedintoamajormotionpicture.KodyisalsotheauthorofShutOutandAMidsummer’sNightmare,aswellasthemiddle-gradenovelTheSwiftBoys&Me.Currently,KodylivesinNewYorkCity,wheresheteacheswritingworkshopsandcontinuestowritebooksforkidsandteens.Youcanfind
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moreaboutherandherbooksatwww.kodykeplinger.com.
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Copyright©2015byKodyKeplingerAllrightsreserved.PublishedbyScholasticPress,animprintofScholasticInc.,Publisherssince1920.SCHOLASTIC,SCHOLASTICPRESS,andassociatedlogosaretrademarksand/orregisteredtrademarksofScholasticInc.
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Thepublisherdoesnothaveanycontroloveranddoesnotassumeanyresponsibilityforauthororthird-partywebsitesortheircontent.Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentsareeithertheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously,andany
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resemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,businessestablishments,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataKeplinger,Kody,author.Lyingoutloud/KodyKeplinger.—Firstedition.
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pagescmSummary:HighschoolseniorSonnyArdmoreisanaccomplishedliar,whousesliestotryandcontrolherout-of-controllife,whichhasbeenfurthercomplicatedbythefactthatsheissecretlystayingeverynightinherbestfriendAmy’shousebecauseshehasbeenkickedoutby
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herownmother—butwhenshegetsintoanonlineconversationwiththestuck-upnewboyRyder,whohasacrushonAmy,shefindsherselfcaughtupinonelietoomany.ISBN978-0-545-83109-31.Truthfulnessandfalsehood—Juvenilefiction.2.Bestfriends—Juvenile
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fiction.3.Interpersonalrelations—Juvenilefiction.4.Dating(Socialcustoms)—Juvenilefiction.[1.Honesty—Fiction.2.Bestfriends—Fiction.3.Friendship—Fiction.4.Interpersonalrelations—Fiction.5.Dating(Socialcustoms)—Fiction.]I.Title.PZ7.K439Ly2015
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813.6—dc23[Fic]
2015000487Firstedition,May2015CoverdesignbyYaffaJaskollCoverphotograph©2015byMichaelFrostCoverphotos©Corbis:lockers(MikeKemp/Rubberball),floor
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(kati/imageBROKER)e-ISBN978-0-545-83111-6AllrightsreservedunderInternationalandPan-AmericanCopyrightConventions.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,transmitted,downloaded,decompiled,reverseengineered,orstoredinorintroducedintoany
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informationstorageandretrievalsystem,inanyformorbyanymeans,whetherelectronicormechanical,nowknownorhereafterinvented,withouttheexpresswrittenpermissionofthepublisher.Forinformationregardingpermission,writetoScholasticInc.,Attention:PermissionsDepartment,557
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Broadway,NewYork,NY10012.