Love vs. Lust

Diffen › Science › Psychology

Love is an intense feeling of affection and care towards another person. It is a profound and caring attraction. On the other hand, lust is a strong desire of a sexual nature.

Comparison chart

Love Lust

Definition An intense feeling of deep affection.Any intense desire or craving for gratification; when contrasted with love, lust usually means sexual desire.

Symptoms

Faithfulness, loyalty, confidence. Willingness to make sacrifices for another. Working at settling differences. Able to compromise so that either both win or at least give the other person's opinion a chance.

Desire, passion, acquisitiveness, intense emotions.

Person to PersonCommitment to another. Genuine intentions. Think about other person's feelings before acting.

Enjoyment of a short-term, mutually pleasurable relationship.

Feels like

A deep affection, contentment, confidence. Partners communicate and negotiate appropriate expectations. Requires a lot of selflessness and polite assertiveness. You are loving your best friend.

Passion, joyousness, strong desire, intense and sometimes difficult feelings of need.

Result

Security, peace, a solid partnership which can provide the ideal atmosphere to raise confident, secure children.

Unsatisfied lust results in sexual frustration, increased religiosity and superstition, emotional rigidity. Lust satisfied in a mutually beneficial way results in pleasure, creativity, passion, zest for life.

Effect Contentment, stability. fire, drive, activeness.

InterdependencyPartnership. Can lead to codependency if not tempered with self-awareness and self-guidedness.

Often the first stage of love, and can lead to lasting friendships, romantic or otherwise. When not tempered with compassion and empathy, however, it can lead to emotionally damaging behavior.

Time Period It will deepen with the passage of time.Highly variable -- it may deepen or dissipate with the passage of time.

CommitmentThis feeling may continue throughout one's life.

Temporary commitment that lasts only long enough to fulfill desire.

Bottom LineLove is unconditional and the real deal.

Interested in only what can be done for self-pleasure; lust may develop into love, but it is lust until that time.

Tips to Identify the Difference Between Love and Lust

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff's Guide to Intuitive Healing: 5 Steps to Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Wellness

As a psychiatrist, I’ve seen how intense sexual attraction is notorious for obliterating common sense and intuition in the most sensible people. Why? Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the primal urge to procreate. Studies suggest that the brain in this phase is much like a brain on drugs. MRI scans illustrate that the same area lights up when an addict gets a fix of cocaine as when a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction. Also in the early stage of a relationship, when the sex hormones are raging, lust is fueled by idealization and projection--you see what you hope someone will be or need them to be--rather than seeing the real person, flaws and all.

In my book “Guide to Intuitive Healing” I discuss the difference between lust and love as well as techniques to enhance sexual wellness. Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy--it often dissipates when the “real person” surfaces. It’s the stage of wearing rose colored glasses when he or she “can do no wrong.” Being in love doesn’t exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other. Here are some signs to watch for to differentiate pure lust from love.

SIGNS OF LUST You’re totally focused on a person’s looks and body. You’re interested in having sex, but not in having conversations. You’d rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings. You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning. You are lovers, but not friends.

SIGNS OF LOVE You want to spend quality time together other than sex. You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing. You want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings, make each other happy. He or she motivates you to be a better person. You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.

Another challenge of sexual attraction is learning to stay centered and listen to your gut in the early stages of being with someone. This isn’t easy in the midst of hormones surging, but it’s essential to make healthy relationship decisions. Here are some tips to help you keep your presence of mind when you’re attracted to someone. This needn’t pull the plug on passion, but it’ll make you more aware so you don’t go looking for trouble.

FOUR NEGATIVE GUT FEELINGS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS (from Guide to Intuitive Healing )

Watch for:

A little voice in your gut says “danger” or “beware.” You have a sense of malaise, discomfort, or feeling drained after you’re together. Your attraction feels destructive or dark. You’re uncomfortable with how this person is treating you, but you’re afraid that if you mention it, you’ll push him or her away.

Over the years, I’ve spoken at women’s prisons and domestic violence centers. My talk, "How Listening to Your Gut Can Prevent Domestic Violence," focuses on showing women how to identify and act on their inner voice. The gut senses a potential for kindness and violence. Many women who'd been in abusive relationships admitted, "My gut initially told me something was wrong--but I ignored it." The pattern was consistent. They'd say, "I'd meet a man. At first he'd be charming, sexy, sweep me off my feet. The electricity between us was amazing. I'd write off the voice in my gut that said 'you better watch out' as fear of getting involved. When later the abuse began, I was already hooked." Some gut instincts though, are anything but subtle. On a first date, one woman landed in the hospital with an IV, retching from "psychosomatic" abdominal pain. But did that stop her from seeing the guy? No. From these women we gain a real-world lesson: no matter how irresistibly attractive someone appears, close attention to your gut will enable you to see beneath exteriors.

It’s so much nicer to be involved with someone your gut likes. Then you’re not always guarding against a basic suspicion or incompatibility. You must also give yourself permission to listen to your gut when it says, “This person is healthy for you. You are going to make each other happy.” To be happy, take a risk, but also pay attention to the warning signs I presented. This allows you to wisely go for the fulfilling relationships you deserve.

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About Judith Orloff Judith Orloff MD is a psychiatrist, intuitive healer, and NY Times bestselling author. Her latest national bestseller is The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life (Harmony Books, 2014). Dr. Orloff's other bestsellers are Emotional Freedom, Positive Energy, Guide to Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition, energy, and spirituality. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

Love or lust? Five surefire ways to tell the difference

Lee Hurley for Metro.co.ukThursday 11 Sep 2014 3:51 pm39

Yeah. This doesn’t happen (Picture: YouTube) Let’s get something clear – love at first sight doesn’t exist.If you find yourself making declarations of undying love five minutes after you’ve met someone for the first time, chances are your genitals have seized control of your vocal chords and are making you sound like a bit of an idiot when what you really meant to say was ‘I love having sex with you.’

It’s easily done.

Sex and sexual attraction are such a massive part of dating that its not surprising many of us get confused between what is love and what is lust.

I know I struggle with it at times, especially when I find the woman I’m with insanely hot.

Here are five surefire ways to tell if your heart or your genitals are in charge of the words that come out of your mouth.

Love doesn’t want to own, control or possess

It wants you to help, support and encourage.

It is the desire to see the person you care for grow into the best person they can possibly be, even if you know that this means it could take them away from you.

Lust, however, just wants to be sated constantly. It is a craving, a yearning, a desire or an obesession without the urge to see the other person develop.

Lust is selfish

It thinks only of itself. Even when you are thinking of the other person 24 hours a day and you find yourself up all night ruminating on their magnificence, the only reasons you are thinking of that person so much is because of what they can do for you.

Love takes time

Hm. Have rom coms been lying to us all these years? (Picture: Columbia TriStar)

How can you love someone you don’t know?I’ve met many women I’ve thought were amazing, solely because I was attracted to them, only to find out later that they had personalities that made me want to claw my ears off so I didn’t have to listen to another word that came out of their mouths.

Lust is obsessed with the physical

It is a narrow concept that doesn’t encompass the whole person, usually because you haven’t yet had the time to learn about the person fully.

Basically, you’d rather shag than have deep, meaningful conversations.

Love will urge you to find a balance between itself and lust

Lust, however, will want all of your attention and will encourage jealousy when its needs are not being met.

Lust is great. Let’s not pretend that’s not the case, but it’s not love, and the confusion between the two leads to all sorts of problems further down the road as you actually get to know someone.

However, luckily, most of us pass through lust to get to love and, if we’re lucky, the lust stays as the love develops.

Read more: http://metro.co.uk/2014/09/11/love-or-lust-five-surefire-ways-to-tell-the-difference-4858007/#ixzz3ePdICRmf

8 Signs You’re In Lust And Not In Love

Amanda Chatel @angrychatel 10.30.2013 Lifestyle

I’m preparing to move to Paris for about a year or so. One of the major things this involves is getting rid of stuff that I should have tossed forever ago, but just haven’t yet. While tossing clothes and shoes is emotional enough in its own right, what’s really killing me the most is my “box of yesterday.”

True to its name, my “box of yesterday” is a nightmare collection of things from past relationships. I say nightmare, because who saves receipts from Brooklyn Bowl because it has an ex-boyfriend’s name on it? This gal. Who thinks it’s necessary to keep shreds of a ripped T-shirt from a wrestling match after too many martinis? Me, obviously.

The project of weeding through these things and deciding which is reasonable to keep and which solidifies me as a straight-up lunatic has forced me to face a fact: My last relationship, if we can even call it that, wasn’t love at all. Of course, at the time I was convinced it was love, as we all tend to think in similar situations, but in reality it was nothing but lust tangled up with infatuation, and because of it I was the most unstable, crazy, jealous, human being I’ve ever been. Looking back now, I blush at who I was, and that I was capable of such insanity because of a man.

With those days officially in my past and locked there safely so I can no longer touch them, I can see more clearly than ever what I was experiencing. I was not in love with a guy whom we’ll call “C,” but in lust.

Here’s what I learned from it all. If you recognize yourself in any of this, I suggest you run like hell. Now.

1. There’s more fire and less stability

Love — real love — is about commitment and communication. These two important components lead to stability within a relationship. Of course, fire can be part of the equation, but when there’s lots of drama, chaos and more emotional gut blows than butterflies, you’re looking at a lustful situation.

2. You focus more on the outside than inside

I could stare at C for hours. I was so enamored with his beauty. To me, he was gorgeous from head to toe without a single flaw to be found. I was obsessed with his beauty, and relished in the fact that I got to be seen in public with him and got to “tap that” at the end of the night.

3. You prefer the fantasy

From the beginning, I knew C and I didn’t have a future. We were far too similar to have been able to conduct a grown-up relationship, and he was never going to want me the way I wanted him. With him, I acted younger than I was for far longer than I should have — the drinking, acting out, immaturity and irresponsibility were quadrupled when we were together. I didn’t want a “grown-up” life with him; I loved the days on end of debauchery that allowed me to escape from reality.

4. Why aren’t we having sex right now? 

Although I loved talking to C, because we did have so much in common, whenever we were together just hanging around or watching a movie, I’d always catch myself wondering, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?” I’m serious. I couldn’t give a damn about the ending to whatever movie was on, if it meant we were having sex instead.

5. You’re not friends

C and I were not friends. For a long time we called each other “best friend,” but the truth was I was in lust, and he was just waiting for something else, something, to use his words, better. Despite knowing that, the lust kept me coming back for more. 

6. Intimacy doesn’t exist

Although cuddling can be really satisfying and comforting when you’re in love, when you’re in lust a body against you just feels like dead weight. You’re also likely to ask yourself again, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?”

7. You experience intense neediness

If I didn’t get the attention I needed from C on a daily basis, I felt like my world was falling apart. Was he texting with someone else instead? Was he not home, as he said, but out with someone else? Having sex with someone else? Why isn’t he answering my calls? It was exhausting, to say the least.

8. The feeling is conditional

Anyone who’s been in love can attest to the fact that love is unconditional. Lust, however, is not. Lust is steeped in gratification without concern to anything else. I could easily sleep with someone other than C and not feel a twinge of regret, but if I were to do the same to the man I love, I’d never forgive myself. Lust has blurred boundaries as to what’s right; love kicks those blurred lines into place.

Is it just lust? Here’s the 5 best dating tips from bartenders to get you back in the game (And for more life hacks, follow Bustle on Youtube):