Loser’s Quest

By Matthew Page

Helpful hint: READ QUICKLY

Instructions

• In Losers Quest, you play as Loser. You have many choices to chose from in your problems. But read quickly.

You are a loser. You are an employee for your loser job somewhere in the vicinity of Free USA. One day, in your loser job, in your loser building, two big guys come in with really big guns screaming for everyone to get down on the floor.

Remember, they have really big guns.

You have 3 choices.A. Get down on the floor.B. Tackle them.C. Wha…?

• But you don’t have another pancake. Oh well, that’s too bad for you.

• You just don’t get it, do you? The guys aim their guns at you, and blow your head off. You are definitely, but not 100%, dead. You stumble around before collapsing. Nobody misses you. Besides, you weren’t your mom’s favorite child anyways.

YOU DEADStart Over

Let me out of here (press Esc)!

You decide to follow their orders and hit the floor. The guy next to you decides to do something heroic, and gets his guts blasted out. But as he has his breakfast blown out, something gold comes out of his body, something in the shape of, of, of a key. Yeah.

What do you do?

Get the gold thing.Tackle one of the guys.

How heroic of you. Stupid, but heroic. The guy next to you does the same thing and gets his breakfast blasted. But he was your boss, so it doesn’t really bother you too much. You tackle the guy and grab his gun. The gunman turns and faces you, holds up his gun, and…

WHAT THE !@*$&*# DO YOU DO!?!YOU CANA. SHOOT HIM!!!B. what?

You dive for the gold, key-like, thing. When you get to it, you wipe away the half-dissolved pot roast that the guy had for lunch, off of the thing. Oh, it’s only a little piece of pancake. The guys aim their guns at you.

What do you do?A. You could make some use out of that pancake.B. What?

With all your might, you heave the pancake at the criminals. It slaps right onto the face of one of the gunmen. That pancake must have been about 40 years past it’s expiration date, because it starts dissolving his face. His friend runs over to help him, but then he notices his shoes are untied.

What, heroic Pancakeman, do you do?A. Tackle him!B. Throw another pancake at him.

You remember that you used to play with your BBGuns all the time. You also remember how you sent one of your friends to the E.R. that’s when you changed your identity. Ahhh, the memories…

Yeah, those were the good times…A. YO! WAKE UP!B. What was your old name again?

Nice moves, daydreamer. The guy grabs you, flings some pancake onto you, and you die.

YOU ARE DEAD YOUR OLD NAME WAS JASON

You shoot the guy, BANG, BANG, Bazooooowwww. Not so sure what that was for. Anyways, you blow his head off, and he crashes out the window. You hear many footsteps coming up the stairs.

What do you do?A. Jump out the window.B. Hide.C. Fire multiple rounds at the door.

You fire all the bullets you have at the door. Many bodies fall into the room. They’re all from the SWAT. Policemen come into the room, turn and face you, and fire all of their rounds at you. You are no longer in one piece.

MANY OF YOU ARE DEAD

press Esc.

You hide under a desk. A group of people come bursting through the door. They seem to be holding tools. “We’re here to fix a leaky sink, can anyone show us where that is?” says one of the men. So they were just plumbers. Ha. I guess you just beat the game. Unless, of course, you would like to jump out the window. Would you like to do that? Well, just for the record, I think I’ll have the ground collapse and you will fall out the window. Bye-bye.

A. Just jump out anyways.

You are falling from the building… …yep… sooooo….. ..yeah… not much too say, I suppose. I

mean, how much can you really do when you’re falling from a 2-floor building?

You CAN do

A. Grab onto something.B. Count the floors as you fall.

Let’s see here, 1, 2. SPLAT! You smear all over the sidewalk. A sweeper eventually comes and sucks you up. You are eventually turned into fertilizer.

YOU ARE FERTILIZER

Start Overpress Esc.

You reach out to grab something, but you fell nothing. Suddenly, out of all logic, you grab an umbrella. What do you do with this umbrella?

A. USE IT OF COURSE!B. But the Myth busters proved it wouldn’t help.

Man, even the dumbest people in the world woulda opened the umbrella. I’m sorry, but you are dead. Please make sure your tables are up and your seatbelts are buckled for landing. Thank you for flying Matways and enjoy your visit in South Korea.

Have a nice day.

YOU ARE DEADStart OverPress Esc.

You open your umbrella and float down to safety. Man, why didn’t I think of that? Anyways, you land and notice a bunch of people with machine guns running toward you. There is also a car next to you.

…ooooh, it’s a Ferrari…

A. Get in the FerrariB. Run on foot.

You hop on into this baby and start the engines. You were so focused on the Ferrari that you just realized that a group of people with machine guns are coming towards you. You floor it.

Unfortunately, you suck at driving and run over about twenty people, drive through 3 stores, before finally driving into a gas station and exploding into a giant fireball. Man, you really suck at driving. Your parents feel bad about the Ferrari and take no notice of your death.

YOU ARE DEAD (in a cool way)

You decide to make a run for it. You run faster than you ever have and run right into a group of policemen. The people with machine guns are then killed by a car that blew up for no apparent reason. A man walks up to you and congratulates you for winning a million dollars and then dies of a heart attack. Wow. You actually won. Congrats.

WINNER!