Life is Beautiful The

Musical“This is a simple story… but not an easy one to tell.”

~ OVERTURE ~Toward the end of the overture, we hear a voice-over from an adult GIOSUE.

Adult Giosue This is a simple story… but not an easy one to tell. Like a fable, there is sorrow… and, like a fable, it is full of happiness and wonder.

Music changes, and transitions into:

~ SCENE ONE ~In the neighbouring countryside of Arezzo, Tuscany, 1939.

It is a bright, autumn day in Tuscany, on the outskirts of Arezzo. RENZO is driving his friend GUIDO OREFICE to the city, where they are to live in a small house owned by GUIDO’s rich uncle PIETRO OREFICE. RENZO is a poet, and he recites a poem while driving, as GUIDO sits with his legs over the side of the open-topped car and his hat over his face, pretending to listen.

Renzo (Reciting poem) I sing what I see,Nothing gets by me.“Here I am!” said I to chaos, “I am your slave!”And he: “good.”“For what?” said I.

Supertitles: Arezzo, Italy1939

Renzo (Still reciting poem)Free in the end, I am!What good is a caress when bliss this man came to possess?Here I am, ready. (Supertitles fade out)The trains are gone, the brakes are gone, and I can resist no more.Go, sweet Bacchus! Take me!(Realises that the car’s brakes have failed)The brakes are gone! (Shakes GUIDO in urgency) The brakes are gone!

Guido All right, I heard you. (Resumes his original position and makes himself comfortable again)

Renzo No, the brakes! They’re really gone!

Guido (Grudgingly sits up) Weren’t you reciting a poem?

Renzo (Really beginning to panic) They don’t work! You try – hit the brakes! (GUIDO’s leg reaches awkwardly over toward the pedals, and the car lurches forward, propelling them to an even faster rate) Don’t touch that one!

Guido I thought you wanted me to hit the brakes?

Renzo The brakes! Not the accelerator! (RENZO kicks GUIDO to move his legs)

Guido Hey!

Renzo What are we going to do? We’re going to crash!

SONG about spontaneity and summing up Guido

(Music continues underneath, as a crowd forms for the King’s motorcade)

Crowd Members The king should be here soon.Wait a minute! (points to GUIDO and RENZO in car, coming toward them) There he is!

Renzo (Indicating the crowd) It’s full of people down there! I can’t drive through them!

Guido Leave it to me!

Crowd Official Places, everyone! (crowd moves to make way for the ‘motorcade’)

Guido We have no brakes! (The crowd don’t hear him, as they start cheering, throwing confetti and waving Italian flags) We have no brakes! (GUIDO waves his arms around to signal the crowd) Move! Move! (GUIDO suddenly realises that his gestures have emulated a fascist salute, and he decides to hold the pose until they safely pass the crowd)(The crowd bunch together to watch GUIDO and RENZO, now offstage, drive off. Another official, riding a bicycle, arrives from same direction as GUIDO and RENZO arrived.)

Another Official Quickly! Places everyone! (Crowd turn to face him) The king is coming!(Music ends. Blackout.)

~ SCENE TWO a) ~Outside a farmhouse, on the outskirts of Arezzo

(GUIDO and RENZO have finally come to rest, outside a farmhouse. They are both underneath the car, attempting to fix the brakes. At the front of the farmhouse there is a water pump, a few baskets with eggs and flowers, and a girl milks a cow, watching them curiously. There is a second story farmhouse window, with some loose hay beneath and a bunch of long sticks lay nearby.)

Renzo (GUIDO’s legs are squirming oddly, and we hear a loud metallic sound.) What are you doing? Go away, take a hike. With your help, we won’t get to Arezzo until next week.

Guido (Evidently hasn’t been listening) Ha! I’ve found a screw! What do you think of that? (He is greeted with silence from RENZO.) What else do you need?

Renzo Nothing. I just need ten minutes alone to fix this.

Guido All right, I’ll leave you alone. (pauses slightly) Do you want the other screw from before?

Renzo No, I don’t want more screws. I want to be left alone.

Guido (Gets up from under the car, and brushes off his trousers) Do I throw out the other screw if I find it?

Renzo Forget the wretched screws! I just want ten minutes. Alone!

Guido I’m going to washing my hands.

Renzo Great. Good for you. See you later.

(Guido pumps the handle and when it doesn’t work, he washes his hands in the bucket adjacent. GUIDO notices the GIRL, who has been watching him.)

Guido Ciao! Pretty girl! How’s it going? (indicating the flowers in the basket) Why look at all this wonderful stuff! Who put it all here, mamma?

Girl No, the landlady did.

Guido The landlady! They’re beautiful! Is it a market? I’d like to buy some. How much are they? Where is your mamma? (The GIRL watches him in apprehensive silence) How rude I’ve been. What’s your name?

Girl Eleonora.

Guido Pleased to meet you. I’m Principe Guido. (removes hat and bows)

Eleonora (incredulously) You’re a prince?

Guido (pretending to be offended) I’m a prince, I am! This whole place is mine! Here starts the prince’s principate. I shall call this place “Addis Ababa”. I’ll change everything! Out go the cows, in come the camels! Out go the chickens, in come the ostriches!

Eleonora Ostriches and Camels?

Guido Even a few hippopotamus, but now I must go, for I have an appointment with my princess. (begins to walk off)

Eleonora When?

Guido Now! (A scream is heard, and the second story window flies open. Out of it falls DORA, and as GUIDO moves to catch her, she falls on top of him, face to face, on the hay.) Buon Giorno, Principessa!

Dora (still on top of him) Oh god! How frightening! I almost killed myself. Did I hurt you?

Guido I don’t think I’ve ever been better!

(Dora hastily removes herself from his arms, but is still lying in the hay.)

Guido Do you always leave the house like this?

Dora I wanted to burn that wasp’s nest, but I got stung. (She shows him her lower thigh, where she has been stung.)

Guido A wasp stung you? There? Please, allow me. (GUIDO leans over and sucks on the sting, and spits it out on the hay) Hold still, Principessa. (He sucks the sting again, and promptly spits it out) A wasp’s poison is very dangerous. (He repeats the action) You have to wash it out. (He repeats the action again) Lie down Principessa, I’ll need at least half an hour.

Dora (Before he can suck at the sting again) No, thank you.

(DORA stands, and GUIDO follows suit)

Guido Did you, er… get stung anywhere else?

Dora No, that’s all right, thank you.

Guido But what a place this is! It’s beautiful! Pigeons fly, and women fall from the sky. I’m moving here!

Eleonora He’s a prince! He wants to fill the place with camels and ostriches!

Guido Exactly. (removes his hat and bows) Principe Guido, at your service, Principessa. (We hear RENZO’s car horn) I’m coming! Good-bye then, both of you.

Dora How can I thank you?

Guido There’s no need. (He spots the eggs) Although, if you really want to thank me, I’ll pinch some eggs to make a nice frittata for my esquire.

Dora Take all that you want. They’re all yours.

Guido Grazie! I’ll take one, two… six. All right? (GUIDO takes six eggs from the basket, and places them in his jacket pockets) I’ll make

such a wonderful frittata! Good-bye Eleonora! My regards, Principessa. Arrivederci!

(He uses a stick lying near the basket to make his hat fly upward, and then land back upon his head. He struts back to the car, using the long stick as a walking stick, like a man about town.)

Guido Here I am, my Nuvolari! Tonight’s special: frittata! Ha! Camels and Ostriches everywhere here! (GUIDO gets in, and RENZO starts up the car)

Renzo Guido, what are you talking about now?

Guido Faster, driver, faster! It’ll be dark, soon!

(Lights go down on farmhouse, and stage lights become darker to indicate dusk/night.) The set changes as they drive to:

~ SCENE TWO b) ~Outside Pietro’s storage house

Renzo Where is this house, anyway?

Guido Just turn right, we’re almost there. (RENZO turns the steering wheel right)

Renzo Your uncle had better not be sleeping with us.

Guido Of course not, he’s lived in the hotel for 30 years! He’s the head Maître there. He’s just lending us the house, because he usually just uses it for storage. He told me he’d clean up most of the clutter for us. I hope he still keeps his horse.

Renzo A horse? Here in the city?

Guido My uncle named him “Robin Hood”. It’s still a horse, though. Here it is, my uncle’s house, and inside is my uncle!

(Renzo stops the engine and they both get out of the car.)

Guido (Shouting, as though to PIETRO inside) Hello, dear uncle! Here we are! (to RENZO) Hurry, it’s late. Here we are, the car just broke down!

(They are both about to walk in the door, when three men flee the house, pushing them over. They escape, but GUIDO senses trouble inside.)

Guido Uncle! (They run inside, as lights come up inside the house. PIETRO, a greying man of about 55, has fallen over.) Uncle! But what… w-what happened here?

Pietro (under his breath) Barbarians…

Guido Who were they? (GUIDO and RENZO help him up from the floor)

Pietro (dismissively) Barbarians.

Guido Why didn’t you call for help?

Pietro Silence is the most powerful call. Is this your poet friend?

Renzo Yes, my name’s Renzo. I’m also an upholsterer.

Pietro Good, good. Well, here you are. I used it as an old storehouse full of odds and ends – some of it is still here. (indicates a few odd looking items in the small room) It’s an old passion.

Renzo Mamma mia, who uses stuff like this?

Pietro (Not listening, and suddenly businesslike) You can stay as long as you want, Guido, but only if you keep your end of the deal. It’s not easy to be a waiter! That’s the bed. Legend has it the great Garibaldi slept there. Nothing is more necessary than the unnecessary, remember that. (under his breath) Barbarians… The town hall is situated on Via Sestani, to the right after the

colonnade. The bathroom (indicates offstage bathroom) is lavishly appointed for your comfort, and equipped with the wonderful invention of Monsieur Bidet. (GUIDO and RENZO gawk at the offstage bidet) The kitchen is in there (indicates offstage again, but in a different direction to the bathroom). There are a few books here, among which “The Life of Petrarch”. And this (indicates the bicycle) is your velocipede. (PIETRO notices GUIDO and RENZO’s confused expressions) Commonly called a bike. You use it to go places. Learn how to use it. I have to get back to the hotel. (Throws GUIDO a key) There’s only one key, so don’t lose it! Remember not to tell anyone that we’re Jewish. We’ll both be fired if you do. (Suddenly charming, like a Maître) It’s so good to see you again, Guido. (Horse neighs is the far distance) I’m coming Robin Hood! (PIETRO exits and we hear another neigh)

Renzo What an uncle!

(Blackout)

~ SCENE THREE ~The city streets of Arezzo/Via Sestani

(We see part of Via Sestani, one of the main streets in Arezzo. On one side of stage, there is the upholstering workshop, in darkness, [this can be the farmhouse used in scene 2a, converted to look more city-like] On the other side of the stage, is the permit office, run by the local authorities. It also lies in darkness. As the lights come up on the rest of the stage, we see townsfolk, adults and children, some on bicycles, some on foot, walking up and down the busy street. Between the two buildings enter GUIDO and RENZO, on the bicycle their uncle indicated they should use. GUIDO sits on the seat, and steers twitchily, while RENZO sits on the front basket, blocking his view. As they ride up and down the street, the townsfolk jump out of their way, taken aback by their inability to control the bike.)

Renzo (Apologising as the townspeople dodge them) Scusi! Scusi! We’re really sorry! Guido! Stop this thing before we hurt someone and let me control it!

Guido I’ve told you a thousand times: You drive the cars, I drive the velocipedes! Capische? That’s how our relationship works.

Renzo But you don’t know how to use the brakes!

Guido The best velocipedists never use brakes. Watch this.

(GUIDO puts a foot to the ground to stop the bicycle, and RENZO is thrown off the bike and into the street wall of the upholstering workshop. While he recovers from the pain of the crash, GUIDO dismounts rather cleanly outside the workshop, and leans the bike against the outside wall.)

Guido Didn’t I tell you? Forget the country – cities are fantastic! You can do anything you want to. You want to dance? Dance! You want to yell? Yell!

(RENZO jumps out onto the street again, and proceeds to throws his arms about wildly, yelling.)

Guido (Stopping him, as the surrounding townsfolk stare) What do you think you’re doing? Are you crazy? You can’t act like you do in the country!

Renzo But… (GUIDO places a hand over his mouth and sings)

SONG – Cities(Music continues underneath as GUIDO and RENZO enter the

upholstering workshop [lights up on workshop]. There is a counter on which rests a fashionable men’s hat; an armchair that is yet to be upholstered; and a sofa. On the sofa, two boys of about ten years play noisily. ORESTE is waiting for them at the counter.)

Oreste There you are, Renzo.

Guido There he is.

Renzo (Looking between GUIDO and ORESTE) Here I am!

Oreste Oh, Renzo, if only you stopped thinking about poetry, you might arrive to work on time!

Guido That’s exactly right, Oreste. That’s what I tell him too, all the time.

(The two boys start shoving each other and laughing noisier than ever)

Oreste (At the boys) Settle down, you two!

(The two boys sit bolt upright, now silent.)

Guido (Noticing the fashionable hat) What a nice hat! (replaces it with the one on his head, and tries it on) How does it look on me? (models it)

Oreste (switching the hats back) It looks very nice, but it’s mine.

(the boys start playing again, mischievously)

Renzo So when do I start working?

Oreste You’re already late! Go on! Get that armchair and take it into the workshop.

Renzo (points to the armchair) That one?

Oreste That one. But be careful!

(RENZO begins to lift the armchair offstage, and as ORESTE is otherwise occupied, GUIDO switches his hat with ORESTE’s.)

Guido Great. I’m going to the town hall, I want to set up a bookstore, and I’ll need a permit.

Oreste Well, you had better behave yourself. (replaces the hats with the ones of their real owner) Watch what you say. These are tough times!

Guido They’re tough times?

Oreste No, but I mean tough, tough times.

Guido Really? (in a low voice) Why, what are your political views?

(The boys are play fighting noisily on the sofa once more.)

Oreste Benito! Adolf! Be quiet! (The boys sit silently once more) I’m terribly sorry, what did you say?

Guido I said… er… that tough times are my favourite times. (laughs nervously) Ciao!

(RENZO is having obvious trouble lifting the chair offstage.)

Oreste (at RENZO) Be careful! You’ll break one of the legs! (Rushes to help him lift the armchair)

Guido (seizes the opportunity and switches his hat with ORESTE’s) Ciao! (He runs out of the workshop with the hat on his head, and begins to wheel his bike over toward the permit office/town hall.)

(RENZO and ORESTE have moved the armchair offstage, and now that they are offstage, the lights dim on the workshop)

(sings once more)

SONG – Cities (cont’d)

(GUIDO enters the town hall)

(Lights back up on workshop as ORESTE enters. The two boys are still playing noisily.)

Oreste Benito! You’re going to get a smack! (notices his hat has been switched) Hey!

(Lights down on workshop as music ends, and lights up on permit office, which contains merely a wooden desk, a rug, a tired looking secretary, and a very large Mussolini poster on the far wall.)

Secretary I would need to facilitate an enormously long-winded bureaucratic process to allow someone like you to open a bookstore.

Guido Why? Does it really take such a long time?

Secretary Years.

Guido Then we’d better get moving and open a file now!

Secretary First you have to apply for a file, and our head of department has to approve it by signature.

Guido Fine. (slaps his hands lightly by his sides, and realises that his eggs from yesterday are still in his pockets. Withdraws them, and keeps them in his hands) Mamma mia, I almost scrambled my eggs. I’ve had them in there since yesterday, and forgot all about them. Thank God they didn’t break! (to the SECRETARY) All right, take note: “I, the undersigned, Guido Orefice, am applying to open…

Secretary (raising her voice in annoyance of his persistence) He can’t sign it now!

(Signor Rodolfo, the woman’s superior, enters to see what the source of the argument is. He has a jacket and a hat in his arms.)

Rodolfo What’s going on?

Guido (to Rodolfo) I just need your signature to open a bookstore.

Rodolfo Is this man being a pest to you, Signora?

Secretary Signor Rodolfo, I told him, and I told him again, but he won’t listen.

Guido (pleading to Rodolfo) Just one signature!

Rodolfo No, I can’t. Signora, you may go now. (SECRETARY exits)

Guido All I need is one signature.

Rodolfo My substitute will be here in an hour. Ask him then!

Guido It’s just a signature.

Rodolfo We close at one here!

Guido (Points to a clock) It’s ten to one.

Rodolfo File a complaint then, you pathetic little insect!

(RODOLFO walks angrily to the door, but GUIDO trips him over by pulling on the rug with his foot. RODOLFO drops his hat and coat. GUIDO places the eggs in the hat, so that he can help RODOLFO to his feet.)

Guido (feigning accident) What a fall! Are you hurt? Let me help you up. (Offers his hand)

Rodolfo Don’t touch me! (Stands)

Guido Come on, it’s not as if I did it on purpose.

Rodolfo You can forget about your bookshop! (RODOLFO puts his jacket

on, and takes the hat to put on his head)

Guido No! The…

(We hear a squelching sound as egg begins to drip down RODOLFO’s face)

Guido …eggs!

(Music begins, and GUIDO runs for the door to make a hasty exit, as RODOLFO tries to wipe egg from his eyes)

Rodolfo You scoundrel!

(GUIDO runs outside and mounts his bicycle to flee.)

Rodolfo I’ll kill you!

(GUIDO takes the corner in between the two buildings too quickly, and overbalances, toppling over a bystander – a teacher, taking her young students on an excursion. This is of course, DORA. GUIDO falls on top of her, and does a push up so as to see who he has toppled into.)

Guido Buon Giorno, Principessa! (the school children laugh and point at them)

Rodolfo (Storms outside, livid, and looks around for GUIDO while continuing to wipe his face) Where is he?

Guido I wonder if we’ll ever meet each other standing up?

Rodolfo I’ll strangle that little wretch!

Guido Please excuse me, Principessa, but I’d better run. Arrivederci! (He quickly mounts the bicycle and exits the stage)

(Music ends. Blackout.)

~ SCENE FOUR ~The Hotel Restaurant

(GUIDO is standing in his waiter’s outfit with his bowtie undone, and ALFREDO sits at a table, examining his actions, and making sure he is ready to work at the restaurant.)

Alfredo Chicken.

Guido (sings)

SONG – Waiter’s Routine

IT’S SERVED WHOLE ON THE PLATE,WITH THE BOTTOM FACING DOWN,“WILL YOU CUT IT FOR ME NOW?”

“WHY OF COURSE, I LIVE TO SERVE!”I’LL CUT ALONG THE BOTTOM OF THE BREASTBONE,

THEN I’LL STICK THE BLADE UNDER THE WING,AND RIP OFF BOTH THE DRUMSTICKS,

YES OFF GO THE WINGS AND LEGS AND BREASTS AND SKIN.

Alfredo (Claps slowly) Bravo. Lobster.

Guido Piece of cake uncle.IT’S SERVED WHOLE ON THE PLATE,WITH THE BOTTOM FACING DOWN,“WILL YOU CUT IT FOR ME NOW?”

“WHY OF COURSE, I LIVE TO SERVE!”I’LL CUT ALONG THE BOTTOM OF THE BREASTBONE…

Alfredo Breastbone?

Guido Uh, wait.

THE LOBSTER IS A CRUSTACEAN,SO OFF GOES THE CRUST…

Alfredo Crust?

(reassuringly) OF THE CRUSTACEAN,THEN I’LL CUT OFF THE ANTENNAE,

AND RIP OFF THE CLAWS AND EYEBALLS,YES OUT GO CLAWS AND EYEBALLS AND THE LOBSTER.

Alfredo And the lobster? There’d be nothing left.

Guido We’re all out of lobster, but the chicken is delicious!

(Music plays a chord.)

Guido I don’t remember how to do lobster.

Alfredo You serve just as it is, the way it comes out of the kitchen. You don’t need to do anything with it!

Guido See, that’s too easy. That’s why I didn’t remember. I must have skipped over the easy ones.

Alfredo (grimaces) Never mind. Continue.

Guido Deportment! (Stands to attention) Stand by! (imitates guests) “Waiter! Come here!” Yes! (makes a few steps as if to go to an invisible guest, making a noise for each step) Ta, ta, ta. Return! (returns to his original position) Ta, ta, ta. “Waiter?” Yes! Ta, ta, ta. Return to place! Ta, ta, ta. “Come here!” Ta, ta, ta. Return! Ta, ta, ta. “Waiter!” Ta, ta, ta. Of course! Ta, ta, ta. Why do these people keep calling me? There must be other waiters around here, right?

(ALFREDO puts his head in his hands.)

Guido Uh, moving on… Bowing! Now that, is a skill I’ve been practising. You bow down, (he bows a little) further, (bows a little lower) like this, at a 45 degree angle, like a champagne bottle. I can go lower, if you want. (bows lower) 50, 55… 90 degrees – a right angle. How far am I supposed to go? I suppose I could go 180 degrees if I had to. (He bows to 180 degrees at the waist.)

Alfredo (gets up and tilts GUIDO back to standing) Think of a sunflower – they bow to the sun. If you see a sunflower that is too bowed down… (he forces his hand on GUIDO’s back, pushing him into a bow) it means they’re dead! (slaps GUIDO on the back) You’re serving, but you’re not a servant. God is a server in the highest. He serves men, but He is not a servant to men. (Starts to fix GUIDO’s bowtie)

Guido There’s a button missing.

Alfredo There’s not meant to be a button there! Stupido!

(Blackout)

~ SCENE FIVE ~Via Sestani

(We see the familiar sight of the town hall and the upholsterer’s shop. Various townspeople are walking about, taking care of their daily business.)

Guido (offstage) Why are you running? Slow down!

Renzo I’m late for work again!

(RENZO and GUIDO enter, and as GUIDO walks near the town hall building, a worker, also near the building, yells the familiar cry…)

Worker Mary, the key!

(A key drops down from the second story window, and drops on the floor. GUIDO ducks to avoid it, and the WORKER picks the key up, and enters through a door in the alleyway.)

Guido (to himself) Every morning, she throws that key!

Renzo (turns around) Come on!

Guido Why do I always have to come with you to your work? (notices that DORA and her mother AGNESE have entered together. Meanwhile, RODOLFO enters in a car that looks exactly the same as RENZO’s.) Look! There’s that teacher I was telling you about. Isn’t she pretty? Come on, I’ll introduce you.

Renzo I really need to go to work!

Guido (seeing RODOLFO, GUIDO jumps behind RENZO) Holy smokes! Stay still!

Renzo What is it?

Guido Don’t move! The one in the car – he’s the jerk the eggs fell on. He’ll kill me if he sees me.

(RODOLFO stops near DORA and ANGESE and talks to them.)

Guido What’s he doing?

Renzo Talking.

Guido What’s he saying?

Renzo But how do I know?

Guido Now what’s he doing?

Renzo He’s saying goodbye.

Guido See, you did know what they were saying!

(RODOLFO drives off)

Renzo Hey! He has a car exactly like mine!

(DORA and her mother begin to walk down the street, toward GUIDO and RENZO.)

Guido Hang on, stay still, Renzo. (whispering) Little longer, little longer…

(Just as DORA and AGNESE are almost parallel with RENZO, GUIDO jumps out to greet them.)

Guido Buon Giorno, Principessa!

Agnese Dio mio!

Dora It’s you again. You’re always surprising me. How do you do it?

Guido (to RENZO) This is the princess who fell out of the sky and into my arms!

Agnese (disapprovingly) Ah! So this is the one who was trying to suck wasp poison out of your thigh?

Dora Yes. We keep meeting like this. (to GUIDO) You have this habit for suddenly appearing, out of nowhere, wherever I go.

Guido Well, I could change all that. We could make plans to meet. Tonight at 8 o’clock?

Dora (laughs mildly) No, it’s nicer this way.

Agnese Let’s go, Dora, you’ll be late to teach your class at “Francesco Petrarca”. (Begins to whisk DORA away)

Dora I hope we meet again… suddenly!

Guido Arrivederci, Principessa! (RENZO and GUIDO wait until they exit. GUIDO suddenly becomes excitable) Did you see her? I told you she was pretty! Ha! She said she loves it when I suddenly appear!

(blackout)

~ SCENE SIX ~The Hotel Restaurant

(DOCTOR LESSING is waiting patiently at a table looking thoughtful, and as GUIDO enters with his meal, GUIDO is nodding, smiling from ear to ear. LESSING can hardly believe it.)

Lessing (shaking his head) No… I don’t believe it!

Guido (stops at the table and bends over unnaturally close to LESSING) Darkness.

Lessing You’re a genius! I tell you, a genius! (GUIDO places the meal on the table)

Guido That one was quite clever, I must say. “The more there is of it, the more difficult it is to see it.” The solution: darkness! It’s a good one. Did you make it up yourself?

Lessing I wish I had. But you still solved it in five minutes – it took me eight days! “Darkness”…

Guido You like riddles, do you, Doctor Lessing?

Lessing Like? Like?! But what an understatement!

SONG – Riddles

Lessing Listen to this one, Guido…

Guido If I may, Doctor Lessing, it’s my turn. My pop told me this when I was a little boy:

(sings)

SONG – Riddles (cont’d)THE DWARVES AND SNOW WHITE

SIT DOWN FOR A BITEHOW FAST CAN YOU GUESS

WHAT SHE SERVES HER GUESTS NEXT?

Lessing Schneeweißchen und die sieben Zwergen setzen sie sich, um zu essen... It sounds refined. I want to solve it right now. (returns to table to write the riddle down)

Guido Perhaps you should eat first…

Lessing I don’t want to. It’s too late now, anyway.

Guido But… salmon, salad and white wine – it’s very light.

Lessing (paying no attention as he writes down the riddle) The dwarves… and Snow White…

(Another smarmy-looking waiter enters the room)

Waiter Guido! (GUIDO leaves LESSING to talk with the WAITER.) Is the kitchen closed?

Guido It has been for a while now. Everybody’s gone. Why?

Waiter A gentleman from the Ministry in Rome is here. He wants to know if you’re still serving.

Guido (shakes head) The kitchen’s closed.

Waiter (shrugs) Oh, well that’s a shame – he would have given you a really good tip.

Guido The kitchen is now open!

Waiter (smiles wryly) I’ll let him know. (exits in the direction of the reception)

(a stout official with a briefcase sits down at the unoccupied table.

He is laden with travel items, and a sash in the colours of the Italian flag rests on his coat, which he has placed on his chair.)

Guido (to LESSING) Doctor, are you sure you’re not eating anything?

(LESSING waves his hand and shakes his head. GUIDO moves to serve the OFFICIAL)

Guido Good evening.

Official (apologetically) I know the kitchen is closed, but perhaps a cold dish? Anything you can find.

Guido No, no! You needn’t compromise. Take your pick, it’s all delicious.

Official Something light.

Guido (sings)

SONG – Waiter’s Routine (reprise)

WELL WE’VE GOT MEAT ON THE BONE,OR A NICE BIG HEAVY STEAK,

PERHAPS SOME PORK CRACKLING, LAMB KIDNEYSA HEARTY OFFAL STEW?

Otherwise, there’s fish.

Official Fish! Fish, thank you.

Guido WE HAVE A GREAT BIG SLAB OF FATTY HALIBUT,OR SOME MACKEREL STUFFED WITH SAUSAGE,

WITH CREAM SAUCE AND GREASED WITH BUTTER,ELSE OTHERWISE YOU COULD HAVE FRESH LEAN SALMON.

Official The salmon sounds nice.

Guido And your side dish?

Official (exasperated) There’s a side dish too?

Guido Naturally.WE HAVE SOME MUSHROOMS…

Official Great! Mushrooms!

Guido …WHICH ARE VERY VERY VERY VERY FRIED,

Official Good grief…

Guido OR PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER,BRAZED POTATOES WITH FOUR CHEESE SAUCE?

Official (stands up) Please! I’ll have a small salad – light vinaigrette dressing. If not, then nothing.

Guido A light salad? What a pity. Those very very fried mushrooms were out of this world. So, a small salad, lean salmon, and a glass of white wine.

Official Perfetto. As soon as you can.

Guido Certainly.

(GUIDO takes the serving platter from LESSING’s table, who doesn’t notice because he is engrossed in the riddle, and serves it to the official. The official looks disbelievingly at his watch, and then again at GUIDO, unable to comprehend the speed at which the food was served. LESSING then packs up his notepad, picks up his coat and hat, and moves to leave.)

Lessing “How fast can you guess what she serves her guests next?”

Guido Right.

Lessing Snow White eating with the dwarves… (LESSING exits)

Official What did he say? Snow White? Is he drunk?

Guido Oh no, it’s a riddle. “Seven seconds”.

Official “Seven seconds”?

Guido That’s the solution. If there are seven dwarves dining with Snow White, and she serves them seconds, it makes “seven seconds”. (OFFICIAL raises an eyebrow) Doctor Lessing is a physician, but he’s obsessed with riddles.

(OFFICIAL shrugs, and begins to eat his meal)

Official Now, the “Francesco Petrarca” school. Do you know of it?

Guido “Francesco Petrarca”? The elementary school? A… a friend of mine works there. It’s not far away from here, actually. Why?

Official Good – it means I can sleep for another half hour tomorrow morning.

Guido Are they expecting you? At the school?

Official Tomorrow morning at eight thirty.

Guido Really? (looks at the sash on the chair thoughtfully) I’ll leave you to your meal. Buon Appetito!

(As the OFFICIAL eats his meal, GUIDO attempts to remove the sash from the chair. The OFFICIAL is leaning back on it, but when he leans over to eat more from his fork, he leaves his sash unguarded. GUIDO silently inches the sash up the chair until he has it entirely in his hand.)

(fade out)

~ SCENE SEVEN ~Francesco Petrarca

(We see a classroom, with two long tables of children sitting attentively. The Headmistress of the school addresses them while four teachers stand behind her, among them is DORA. Behind the teachers, in the middle of the room, is a large teacher’s desk, and beside it are two stone tablets. One bears the inscription “FACISTA PERFETTO”, the other, “IL IMPERO ITALIANO”. In the background a large poster of Mussolini stares down on them all.)

Headmistress A moment of silent attention children. The Inspector from Rome will be here shortly. Now, we want to make a good impression, don’t we? So listen very carefully and attentively to what he tells you, in absolute silence. He is going to talk about some very important things about our beautiful country.

(A caretaker runs into the room, puffing heavily.)

Caretaker The inspector! The inspector… he’s here!

Headmistress Already? He’s very early. Silence, children.

(There is deathly silence as we hear loud footsteps from outside. GUIDO enters triumphantly, posing as the inspector, and wearing the sash he stole at the hotel restaurant the night before.)

Headmistress (to the children) On your feet!

(the children methodically and promptly stand, startling GUIDO)

Guido (Marches straight over to DORA with his arms open wide, who cannot believe her eyes but attempts to restrain her facial expression) Buon Giorno, Pricipessa.

Headmistress Good morning, inspector, but with all due respect, I am the principal here. These are some of our teachers.

Guido (feigning embarrassment) Ah yes, of course. (HEADMISTRESS leads

Headmistress I suppose you will want to question these fine teachers. (She

gestures for him to question them)

Guido (to TEACHER 1) For… For how many years have you been teaching in this district?

Teacher 1 Sixteen.

Guido (nods to HEADMISTRESS) Huh. (moves along to question TEACHER 2) Did you read the comprehensive government bulletin regarding personal hygiene in schools?

Teacher 2 Of course.

Guido (almost stunned, since he is obviously making this up as he goes along) Are you sure?

Teacher 2 Certainly.

Guido (turns to HEADMISTRESS again) I’m not so sure. (moves along the line again to question TEACHER 3) Are you er… are you up to date with the ongoing school curriculum program approved by the Ministry this year?

Teacher 3 Yes.

Guido (moves promptly along to the next teacher, DORA) Are you free on Sunday?

Dora What?

Guido (suddenly more informal) No, but I mean, Sunday is the festival of Saint Mary, and well, I was wondering if you were doing anything…

Dora (whispering) I’m going to the theatre.

Guido Ah, the opera. What are you seeing?

Dora I… I can’t remember.

Guido Oh, they’re playing that one. It’s a classic, you’ll love it.

(HEADMISTRESS clears her throat very loudly)

Guido Great. Well, now I think I must thank you and say my goodbyes, because I have to go to…

Headmistress (interrupting him) We know. (She now addresses the children) Children, the inspector has kindly taken time from his busy schedule to come all the way from Rome to talk to us all about the Manifesto of Race, signed by all the leading scientists in the country. He will demonstrate, and we’re very honoured for it, that our race is a superior race – the best of them all. Take your seats, children! (all the students sit down quietly) Go ahead, Inspector.

Guido (laughs nervously) Right, well… our race…

Headmistress … is superior, inspector.

Guido Exactly! Wow, you’re a fast learner. Yes, we’re the superior race… (turns to the children) Right, well, as you know, I’ve just come from Rome, right this minute, to come and tell you, in order that you’ll know, children, because you need to know, children, that our race is completely superior to… to everyone else’s races. The other races, I mean. (slowly moves behind the teacher’s table) Right, so, I was chosen – I was specifically chosen by racist Italian scientists – for the purpose of demonstrating to all of you just how superior our race is. Why did they pick me, children? (he jumps with two feet onto the desk, as the others watch in stunned silence) Do I really have to tell you? Where would you find anyone as… as superior as me? Where would you find anyone as superior as me? (he pauses to illustrate the point through silence) Rightly so, there is silence; I’m an original “superior race”, purest Aryan. Let’s start with something that you would think “what’s so

great about that”; the ear. Just look at my ear. Look at the perfection of this ear. The left auricle, designed for optimal acoustic production, with a pendant little bell rounding out the bottom. Check this out! Cartilage with flexibility! (he flicks the bottom of his ears in demonstration, and the children begin to copy him) Yes, try it out! Teachers too! (The teachers obey by flicking their ears along with everyone else, and a teacher begins to compare his ear with that of the HEADMISTRESS, who sharply but silently reprimands the teacher.) Bendy, aren’t they? Find two ears that are more superior than mine and I’ll eat my jacket! Races exist, children, you bet they do. They dream about ears like these in France!

SONG – The Superior Race

I’VE BEEN AROUND THE WORLD AND SEEN,THE RACES TIME AND AGAIN,BLACKS OR JEWS OR IN BETWEEN,COMPARED TO YOU AND ME I RATE THEM NONE OUT OF TEN!

‘CAUSE WE’RE THE PUREST ARYAN,WE’RE A BLONDE HAIRED BLUE EYED TEAM,MADE AT GOD’S DISCRETION,GENETICALLY SUPREME!

I’M TALKING STRONGER, FASTER, BETTER,AS HANDSOME AS THEY COME,A STUNNING NATURAL FIGURE,IS WHAT WE HAVE BECOME!

IF BEAUTY IS AS THEY SAY,BEHOLD OUR RACE AND SHOUT “HOORAY!”BECAUSE IT’S A OKAY….TO KNOW THAT YOU BELONG TO THE SUPERIOR RACE!

~ SCENE EIGHT ~Pietro’s Storage House

(both GUIDO and RENZO are lying in the same bed, oweing to the fact that there is only one bed.)

Renzo I’ll have to take the car back to my dad, he’s counting on it.

Guido Take it back in a month or so.

Renzo No, I’ve got to give it back soon. You want to know why?

Guido Why?

(GUIDO turns to RENZO but finds him fast asleep.)

Guido Renzo? Hey, Renzo! (he shakes RENZO awake)

Renzo What? What time is it?

Guido What’s going on? Were you sleeping?

Renzo Of course I was sleeping!

Guido But how does that work? You fell asleep while you were talking to me.

Renzo It’s not that hard, you know.

Guido How did you do that?

Renzo Schopenhauer.

Guido Schopen-who?

Renzo Schopenhauer says that with willpower, one can achieve anything. “I am what I want to be.” Right now I want to sleep, so I was saying to myself: “I’m sleeping, sleeping…” and I fell asleep.

Guido Really? And it’s so simple, too. I’ll try it.

(RENZO turns over in another attempt to get to sleep.)

Guido (closes his eyes and moves his hands in a mesmerizing fashion to mimic hypnotic movement) “I’m sleeping, sleeping, sleeping…”

Renzo Don’t move your hands. You’re not a juggler. It’s a matter of thought, it’s serious, and it takes time. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. (he rolls over to go back to sleep)

Guido Fine. Pretty amazing, though. (he thinks that RENZO has gone back to sleep, so he leans over him, and makes his hypnotic hand movements over him) Wake up. Wake up, wake up, wake up. Wake up, wake up…

Renzo (wakes up and turns to face GUIDO) What is it now? What on earth are you doing to me with those hands while I’m sleeping?

Guido Works like a charm!

Renzo What works?

Guido Schopenhauer! As soon as I started to say “wake up, wake up…” Bam! You woke up. This theory is incredible. How does it work?

Renzo You were yelling in my ear! That’s why I woke up.

Guido So I should say it a bit quieter, then.

Renzo Don’t say anything at all! Do us all a favour!

Guido Ah, I’m not supposed to say it.

Renzo It’s very profound, you have to think it. Now get some sleep and keep your hands to yourself.

~ SCENE NINE ~The Opera House

(The opera is playing, and during the scene change, as the music starts, patrons of the opera take their seats among the audience, and among them are RODOLFO, AGNESE and DORA. They sit together.)

SONG – The Operatic Song

(GUIDO is late, but he enters and takes his seat next to another theatregoer. As the aria continues, his gaze becomes fixed on DORA, and his head is angled to the side. After a while, the theatregoer beside him turns around to face him, believing GUIDO is staring at her.)

Guido (Points to the ear facing the stage) I can only hear out of this ear.

(The theatregoer nods politely and goes back to watching the opera, as GUIDO’s gaze is firmly fixed on DORA.)

Guido (whispering) Turn and look at me, Principessa. Go on, I’m down here. Look at me, look at me… turn around… look at me… (he begins to use his hypnotic hands as the aria is nearing the finish) look at me, look at me, look at me…

(DORA begins to turn toward him, or so GUIDO thinks, until the theatregoer turns around to see him with his hands over her face.)

Guido Er…

Theatregoer (smiles seductively) I like a man with wandering hands.

(GUIDO looks absolutely scared witless, and promptly exits the theatre, to the disappointment of the theatregoer. The aria ends, and the curtain closes.)

~ SCENE NINE ~The Opera House Foyer

(Patrons of the opera are leaving the theatre, and entering the foyer. DORA and RODOLFO enter together, while AGNESE trails somewhat behind them, talking to a friend.)

Dora Why don’t we get an ice cream? Chocolate – how about it?

Rodolfo Alright, but we’ll have to make it really quick.

Dora Why?

Rodolfo Oh, I forgot to tell you. We have to be at the Prefect’s at eight. We were invited to dinner.

Dora Where?

Rodolfo With the Prefect.

Dora (looks up to the roof) Oh Lord, please have pity on me. Say it isn’t true. Another dinner with the Prefect?

Rodolfo Your mother is coming with us, too.

Dora Jackpot.

Rodolfo Alright, we won’t go to dinner. We’ll just stop by the Prefect for coffee, later.

Dora Can you hear me? I’m not going.

Rodolfo Fine, I’ll tell him we’re not going. It’ll just be me and you, tonight.

(An older man with glasses stops RODOLFO. He is the PREFECT.)

Prefect Good evening, Rodolfo.

Rodolfo Good evening, Signor Prefect.

Prefect (nods his head in acknowledgement of DORA) Miss. So, I’ll see you later at my house then? I’ll expect you at eight. You wouldn’t want to disappoint me now, would you?

Dora Well actually…

Rodolfo We’ll be there at eight o’clock, sharp. (DORA rolls her eyes coldly, but smiles anyway as the PREFECT leaves their presence. She kicks RODOLFO angrily in the shins.)

(GUIDO enters with RENZO from the opposite side of stage. Due to the number of people exiting the theatre, they cannot see DORA and RODOLFO.)

Guido She has to be here somewhere…

(They bump into ORESTE and his wife near the cloakroom counter, who were also at the opera.)

Oreste Oh, you’re here too, are you? Good evening. (ORESTE’s wife smiles at them) Now, you be on time tomorrow, Renzo, got it? Did you take that runner out of your car? It’s silk, so don’t ruin it. Be very careful.

(GUIDO notices ORESTE’s hat, the one he had admired, resting on the cloakroom counter.)

Oreste (turning to GUIDO) So, what an opera, eh!

Guido Bellissimo! (GUIDO points off stage, in the direction of the theatre.) Say, er… was that one of your curtains? (while ORESTE and his wife turn to look at the curtains offstage, GUIDO switches

ORESTE’s hat with his and runs off with RENZO.)

Oreste Hmm… no, I think it must be one of my colleagues’… (He goes to pick up his hat, and finds that GUIDO has switched them.) He took my hat again!

(DORA and RODOLFO are about to go outside, but we can hear rain as others open up umbrellas around them. They do not have an umbrella. As GUIDO and RENZO are running away from ORESTE, they notice DORA and RODOLFO, and listen to their conversation from a safe distance.)

Rodolfo Let’s go.

Dora Can’t you see it’s raining? Go and get the car, please.

Rodolfo But it’s just around the corner.

(DORA gives him an icy glare.)

Rodolfo Alright, you wait here. I’ll pull up right here and toot the horn.

(RODOLFO exits with his jacket pulled up high, shielding him from the rain.)

Guido (turning to RENZO) Quick, give me the key.

(RENZO presents him with a key)

Guido Not the house key, the car key! Quick!

Renzo (fumbles for the key) The car key? Are you crazy? You don’t know how to drive! I drive the cars, you drive the velocipedes, remember?

Guido (wrestles the key from RENZO) Just keep him busy as long as you can. I’ll see you later tonight! (GUIDO runs offstage)

Renzo (running after him) But inside the car there’s the silk… drive slowly! (RENZO exits)

(DORA is still waiting for her car, and moments later, GUIDO arrives in RENZO’s car. He toots the horn, and DORA promptly jumps in, unaware that RODOLFO is not driving. As the car drives off, the crowd of theatregoers disperse offstage.)

Dora (keeping her eyes on the straight ahead) The least you could have done is come and get me with your umbrella. You’re just plain rude, that’s what you are. Look at me, I’m a mess! Plus, dinner at the Prefect’s always makes me so nervous! (she hiccups loudly) I knew it. Now I’ve got the hiccups. (she hiccups again) You know I always get them when I’m made to do something I don’t want to. (she hiccups once more) Don’t you know how little it takes to make me happy? Just a nice chocolate ice cream would have been enough. (she hiccups again) Even two! You can afford them! (she hiccups again) A nice walk together, and whatever happens, happens. Instead, you… you… (she turns to face GUIDO for the first time, and GUIDO turns to face her. Upon realising that her driver is GUIDO and not RODOLFO, she screams loudly.)

Guido Buon Giorno, Principessa!

Dora This is incredible; you owe me a very good explanation.

Guido No, I think you’re the one who owes me the explanation! I stop under a roof and you fall out the sky and into my arms. I fall off my bicycle and end up in your arms again. Coincidence? I don’t think so! Then I do a simple inspection at a school and there you are, yet again! You won’t leave me alone; you’ve really got quite a crush on me, haven’t you? (DORA smiles gently) Well, I wouldn’t blame you, but… Alright, at this point, you win. I give in. Where shall we go, Principessa? To the sea? Do you like the sea?

Dora Yes, yes, I love the sea, but you really must take me back to the

theatre. They’re waiting for me there. Take me back, please.

(GUIDO stares intently through the windscreen.)

Dora What’s happening?

Guido Principessa, do you know how to turn on the windscreen wipers?

Dora (DORA looks ahead and screams.) Stop! Hit the brakes!

(GUIDO screeches the car to a halt, and when the car stops, the fabric roof of the car unclips from the windshield, and the steering wheel falls off.)

Guido It’s broken!

Dora When did you learn to drive?

Guido About ten minutes ago!

Dora Oh, I thought it was a lot less than that.

Guido The roof won’t close!

Dora The door won’t open!

Guido We’re stuck! Don’t worry, Principessa, we’ll get out of here, I’ll take care of it. (He hands DORA a pillow that has been upholstered from the back seat, and she puts it over her head) The most important thing is that you don’t get wet. Take it. We’ll get out of here, now. I’ll take care of everything. (He climbs over the windshield and onto the bonnet. He jumps off the car and opens the door from the outside, which works perfectly.) There. Step right out. Oh look, there’s a huge puddle, you’ll get your feet wet. Wait! (He grabs the silk rug from the back of the car and throws it out to unroll it. It covers the length of the stage.) There you go, Principessa.

Dora Where are we?

Guido We’ve already been here.

Dora Me and you? When?

Guido Don’t you remember? It was a night when it was pouring rain, and I made an umbrella for you out of a pillow! It was a beautiful night. I put the steering wheel on my shoulder, we danced a waltz, and when we stopped, you kissed me.

Dora We danced?

SONG – The One Where They Fall In Love(As the song ends, the car and the runner disappear and the scene changes to…)

~ SCENE TEN ~Via Sestani

Dora You remind me of my late father. He had the ability to make me do anything, even if it seemed silly. He was the only one who understood me; he knew how to talk to me. I was like putty in his hand. I could always find a way of saying “yes” to him. Always, always yes. I’ve never been the same, since. That person has been locked away long ago.

Guido But there is a way to open up this world of “yes”, isn’t there?

Dora It’s easier than you might think. All you need is the right key.

Guido And where exactly is this key?

Dora Oh, heaven knows. (She looks up at the sky and puts out a hand) It’s clearing up.

Guido So, you were saying… this key that always makes you say “yes” is up there, somewhere in heaven?

Dora (She considers him for a moment) Yes.

Guido Well, why don’t I give it a try? If the Virgin Mary, up there in heaven, tosses it down to me… you never know with these things. (In a louder, more booming voice) Mary, the key! (As usual, a key falls from the window above, and GUIDO catches it.) Is this it?

(DORA gapes at him with her mouth open slightly, amazed.)

Guido So how about that chocolate ice cream? Let’s get it right now.

Dora No, not now, I really have to go home.

Guido Then when?

Dora I don’t know.

Guido Are we going to let heaven decide that too?

Dora No, leave the poor Virgin Mary alone. Don’t bother her over an ice cream!

(DOCTOR LESSING enters, talking to a friend.)

Guido I’m afraid it’s too important. We can’t decide when to have it, so I’ll have to ask her.

(LESSING notices GUIDO, and begins to walk toward them.)

Guido (looking up at the sky) Mary, please send someone to find out when we can have a chocolate ice cream!

Lessing (To GUIDO) Seven seconds!

(LESSING promptly exits with his friend, as DORA stares in disbelief.)

Guido Well, are you coming?

Dora Look, my house is just there. (she points offstage) Another time, I promise.

Guido You know, I’ve been past your house thousands of times, and I always asked myself: “I wonder who lives there?” It’s like I knew it would be you, all along. I think I’ll open my store just here, so I can be near to your house.

Dora The bookstore?

Guido (smiling) That way I’ll see you every day, Principessa.

Dora Principessa. You’re always calling me princess. Are you a prince, then?

Guido You should ask Eleonora that. Only she knows.

Dora What did you tell the poor child?

Guido That I’d fill the countryside with ostriches and camels. Oh, and I also told her I had an appointment with a princess. Seconds later, like fate, you fell from the sky and into my life.

Dora Well, good-bye then. You’ve been so nice to me, but now all I want is a hot bath and some rest.

Guido Oh, I almost forgot to tell you… (he pauses, solemnly)

Dora Go ahead.

Guido You can’t imagine how much I want you to let me love you, and for you to love me. But I’d never tell anyone that, especially not you. They’d have to torture me to make me say it.

Dora Say what?

Guido That I want to kiss you again. But not just once; many, many times. But I’d never tell you that. I’d have to be crazy to tell you I’d even make love to you, now, right here, for the rest of my life.

(A sweet silence hangs between them)

Dora You’d better run, or you’ll get wet. It’s going to rain again.

Guido (tipping his hat) Principessa.

Dora You’re soaked through.

Guido My suit is no big deal. But it’s the hat that bothers me.

(ORESTE enters on his bicycle, wearing GUIDO’s hat and rests his bicycle on the wall just past GUIDO and DORA.)

Guido I need a dry hat, but where would I find one?

Dora Wait, I know! How did it go?

(ORESTE begins to approach them)

Dora (In a lower voice, looking up at the sky) Mary, please send someone to give my friend a dry hat.

(ORESTE silently removes his hat from GUIDO’s head, and thumps his own back on GUIDO. DORA is once again stunned that it actually worked.)

Guido Well, good night, Principessa.

(GUIDO leaves her in stunned silence, and exits in the opposite direction)

SONG, POSSIBLY – Something about Feeling Alive

(AGNESE enters)

Agnese And where have you been, so late at night? Rodolfo and I have been looking for you everywhere.

Dora Rodolfo wanted to go to the Prefect’s. And I refused.

Agnese I know. I was there, waiting for you. Then Rodolfo came and said you’d disappeared. What a fine mess you’ve made. The Prefect was very angry with us.

Dora Good. I’m glad. I’m glad the Prefect is angry with us all.

Agnese Dora, bite your tongue. You know how important it is for Rodolfo to maintain a healthy relationship with the Prefect. It’s important for all of us. I will not have dishonour in my family, and I will not be sourly looked upon by the authorities because of your antics.

Dora I’m sorry you had to suffer that.

Agnese (merely glares in response.) So who took you home?

Dora What do you mean?

Agnese I’m quite sure you didn’t walk home in the rain.

Dora I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Agnese Did another man take you home?

(DORA doesn’t respond)

Agnese Well?

Dora I won’t tell you.

Agnese Answer me!

Dora (hiccups softly) I don’t want to tell you.

Agnese You don’t want to tell me because another man did take you home. You’ve been with another man without telling me or Rodolfo. You tart!

Dora Mother!

Agnese Look at you, and your guilty conscience. What would your father say?

Dora Father would want me to be happy.

Agnese And I will make sure that you are happy, married to Rodolfo, and a respectable member of society.

Dora Oh what joy!

Agnese You accepted his marriage proposal, and you will marry him, or I will swear on your dear father’s grave that I will disown you and never speak to you again.

~ SCENE ELEVEN ~Via Sestani

(The next night, RENZO and GUIDO are dressed in waiter tuxedos, on their way to the Grand Hotel, chatting excitedly.)

Renzo So why am I helping out at the hotel tonight? Someone’s engagement party, did you say?

Guido Don’t you know who is getting married?

Renzo No, who?

Guido Didn’t I tell you? The jerk the eggs fell on!

(they both laugh hysterically)

Renzo Who’s he marrying?

Guido I don’t know, but she hasn’t even shown up yet! Everyone’s waiting for her!

(they both laugh hysterically again as another WAITER enters)

Waiter Guido! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!

Guido Why? What’s happened?

Waiter Your uncle!

Guido My uncle?

Waiter The horse!

Guido The horse? My uncle’s a horse?

Renzo Your uncle’s horse!

Waiter Come quick!

(they race toward the Hotel, but are stopped as PIETRO enters with his horse Robin Hood. Robin Hood has been painted green, and the words “Achtung Cavallo Ebreo” written in large, painted black capital letters.)

Guido But what… is that Robin Hood? What did they write on him? Achtung, Jewish Horse.

Pietro The usual barbarians. Vandals, that’s what they are. It’s sad, this nonsense and stupidity. “Jewish Horse”!

Guido I didn’t even know your horse was Jewish. Did you have him circumcised?

Pietro You might laugh, but this a threat. They want us to disappear, Guido. Disappear from existence.

Guido Oh, don’t get upset, Uncle. They just did it because…

Pietro No, Guido. They didn’t do it because, they did it because. It’ll happen to you too, soon.

Guido To me? What could possibly happen to me? The worst they can do is strip me naked, paint me green and write “Achtung, Jewish Waiter”. (he laughs, but RENZO remains tight lipped.) The authorities don’t even know that I’m Jewish. Let’s go, I’ll clean him up in the morning. (GUIDO leads PIETRO in the off-stage direction of the hotel, as the hotel begins to form on-stage, and RENZO and

the WAITER follow).

~ SCENE TWELVE ~The Grand Hotel Restaurant

(DORA and AGNESE enter the restaurant hall, where the engagement party is being held. RODOLFO is already there. Instead of small little tables, there is one large elongated table.)

Agnese I’m angry that you took so long to get ready. You’ve made us late.

(DORA hiccups)

Agnese Are you alright?

Dora I’m fine.

Agnese There, that’s a good girl. (indicating the hall) See what lovely parties you mother throws for you when you do the right thing?

(DORA hiccups again.)

(GUIDO enters with RENZO and they spot DORA.)

Renzo Hey, look there in front of you!

Guido Dora…

Renzo What are you going to do?

Guido Wait here, I’ll surprise her.

(GUIDO makes a bee-line for DORA and AGNESE as RENZO stands back to watch. Before he gets there, however, RODOLFO cuts him off.)

Rodolfo (to DORA) Oh, you’re finally here. I was beginning to worry. They’re about to serve the meal, so we’d better sit down.

(GUIDO, noticing RODOLFO, covers his face by holding a large pot full of tall flowers in front of it. DOCTOR LESSING enters from the other side of the stage.)

Lessing Guido!

(GUIDO spins around and walks over to LESSING as the guests take their seats at the table.)

Guido Doctor Lessing! Why, are you here for the party, too?

Lessing Oh no, I’m merely checking out of the hotel. I just saw you then.

Guido Where are you going?

Lessing I received an urgent telegram, which said that I must return to Berlin immediately. What are the flowers for?

Guido Er… for you, for your departure.

Lessing (laughs) I’ll just take one. I’ll give it to my wife. “Guido’s flower”. I truly enjoyed my stay here with you, Guido. You’re the most ingenious waiter I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.

Guido And you’re the guest with the most culture I’ve ever served.

Lessing Thank you, Guido. Goodbye then. (starts to walk offstage) Ah, by the way:

IF YOU SAY MY NAME,I AM NO LONGER THERE.WHO AM I?

(LESSING exits)

Guido (pauses for a moment) Silence! Of course! If you say the word, it’s not there anymore: “Silence”.

(now that the guests have sat down, a soldier friend of RODOLFO puts his hands over RODOLFO’s eyes. The HEADMISTRESS is also

on the table with them.)

Soldier Peekaboo, guess who?

Rodolfo Get your hands off me!

Soldier (removes his hands) Hey, it’s just me! Have you gone cuckoo or something? (he sees DORA) Ah! We finally meet, Dora. (He kisses DORA’s hand, to her disgust.) Rodolfo never introduced us. (to RODOLFO) You were scared to, weren’t you? Sly old dog!

(RODOLFO laughs politely)

Soldier (whispering loudly in his ear, so the others on the table can still hear) Now you won’t need to come with us to the brothel anymore! (taps him on the shoulders) Happiness and best wishes to you all. Sly old dog!

(SOLDIER leaves to take a seat on the other side of the table)

Agnese What a… lively fellow!

(DORA glares at her.)

Agnese Don’t say a word.

Headmistress Anyway, as I was saying, listen to this problem they give to children in Germany. Third grade, elementary school. I remember it so clearly because it shocked me. Shocked me to the core. “A lunatic costs the State four marks per day. A cripple, four marks fifty; an epileptic three marks fifty. Considering that the average would be four marks per day, and there are three hundred thousand patients, how much money would the State save if these individuals were eliminated?”

Dora (in horror) I don’t believe it!

Headmistress That’s exactly what I said, Dora. I didn’t believe that an seven year old child could solve a mathematical question of this calibre. It’s a highly complex calculation, with ratios, percentages… you need algebra to complete those equations, and that’s high school material for us.

(DORA remains mortified)

Rodolfo What? No, all it takes is some multiplication. How many of these cripples did you say there were? Three hundred thousand?

Headmistress Si!

Rodolfo Three hundred thousand times four. If we killed them all we’d save one million two hundred thousand marks a day. Simple, isn’t it?

Headmistress Well yes, bravo.

(DORA glares once again at AGNESE)

Headmistress But you’re an adult; they make seven year old children do this in Germany! And I’m not talking about Berlin; in the outskirts, imagine that! They truly are a superior race!

(GUIDO, holding a plate of food, trips over at the table, spilling the platter.)

Guido Oh! I sincerely apologise. Everything’s fine, my fault, I’ll pick it up.

(DORA notices GUIDO, but since RODOLFO is talking to his mother, and AGNESE is talking to the HEADMISTRESS, he goes unnoticed by the others. GUIDO dives down to clean up the mess under the table.)

Guido Please accept my apologies.

(DORA, seeing her chance, dives down under the table to be with GUIDO.)

Guido Principessa? You’re here, too?

Dora Buon Giorno, Principe.

Guido Principe?

Dora Principe Guido.

(DORA crawls over to him)

Guido Ah.

(DORA kisses him, passionately and desperately.)

Dora Principe Guido, take me away.

SONG – Take Me Away(DORA slide back up into her chair, and GUIDO exits with the platter.)

Agnese (to DORA) Do you see how time flies when you’re having fun?

(Music begins and the guests get up to dance.)

Rodolfo (getting up) Well? Are you coming?

ENGAGEMENT DANCE(The guests applaud, as they form a semi-circle around RODOLFO and DORA.)

Rodolfo Thank you, thank you. Just a few words; you know it already, and you’ve known it for several years. Dora and I grew up on the same street, we went to school together, we had the same friends… we’ve always been together. Dora is the woman of my life, and I am the man of her life. So, we’ve decided to be married within the year. You’re all officially invited on April the ninth to the Basilica of Santa Maria del Pellegrino, and then we’ll celebrate together till dawn, right here, just as happy as we are now.

Guest Kiss her!

(After repeated calls for RODOLFO to kiss DORA, he gives her a light peck on the cheek, to DORA’s obvious discomfort.)

Agnese If you could all once again take your seats, the cake is about to be served.

(the guests all take their seats)

Agnese (Whispering) Why didn’t you just kiss him and put on a good show? People will talk.

Dora I did all that was asked of me.

(The cake is served whole on the table)

Rodolfo “Buon Giorno Principessa”!

Dora What did you say?

Rodolfo “Buon Giorno Principessa”; it’s here, on the cake.

(Suddenly, GUIDO enters, on his uncle’s horse, Robin Hood.)

SONG – Take Me Away (reprise)Rodolfo Wait! You’re the jerk with the eggs!

Agnese You’re the monster who sucked a sting out of my daughter’s thigh!

(Guests gasp)

(RODOLFO attempts to climb over the table, but falls over the cake and onto the floor)

Agnese Dora, I will make you regret this for the rest of your life.

Dora & Guido (sung) AWAY!

(Robin Hood takes them offstage, as the guests make after them, leaving only RODOLFO on the floor, and AGNESE.)

Agnese You’re going to pay for that, Dora.

END OF ACT I