letters from my mum

8/11/2019 Letters From My Mum

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Letters from my Mum

By Bridgette Burton

Victoria: My Mum died when I was 12. It was cancer and she knew for a long

time that she would die. I knew that she was really concerned about what I

would do without her. How much I would miss her.

I was just reaching that time when a girl needed to have a woman around, a

woman that she loved and trusted. I hadnt hit the rebellion phase with my

mum. I never did.

So, she died and on my thirteenth birthday an envelope arrived in the mail. It

was a letter from her. She said she loved me, and missed me and that she had

written a letter for each of my birthdays until I was 25. That Dad had them all

and would mail them.

I was thrilled. I was over the moon. Imagine realizing that someone had

done that for you. I immediately wanted to read them all at once and learn

secret things about being older! I imagined the things she would reveal in the

18 year old letter, things about sex.

Mainly though I imagined hearing my mothers voice again. Each year. I

imagined it with a longing so strong that I immediately burst into tears.

There was one other letter too. For my wedding day.

My Mum had been pretty traditional. And very religious. She and Dad. And

me too, I suppose. I was too. We went to Church on Sunday. We said Grace.

My Mum really believed. I think thats what helped her a lot during her

illness. She felt like she was going to join God and shed see us again.


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That 13 year old letter was exactly what I wanted . I missed her so badly

then, every day. It was the most amazing gift. She wished me happy birthday

and just talked about regular things, hoped that I was helping out. Then she

talked about the things the hoped for me in the year to come.

The birthday letters ranged from encouraging me to be a good student, to

talking about my period, or boys. They were comforting and motherly and I

looked forward to them. I re-read them. I wanted to be the girl that she

wrote me as, in the letters. The letters were inspiring.

I excelled at school. She wanted that, she encouraged me to be a good

student. To be a strong and independent and smart young woman. And also

to stay strong in my faith.

I stopped going to church at 16. Her letters were always so encouraging, but

they were heavy on the religious stuff. I hadnt wanted to stay. I had talked it

out with Dad and he hadnt liked it. But he let it be my choice. I couldnt talk it

out with Mum.

I got into Architecture at Uni and it was a world that was exciting and

challenging and its where I fell in love for the first time. When I got my

Mums 18thbirthday letter she talked about boys I would see, and being

strong about virginity.

She is clearly no longer a virgin

It was the first year that I read the letter and felt that she didnt understand

me. How could she? I started to worry about what she would expect of me, in

those letters.


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I had a number of relationships at Uni. I had my heart broken. I played it safe,

I played it unsafe. I did not preserve my virginity. And, I slept with women. I

fell in love with women.

My Mums letters talked about the kind of man I should look for. They talked

about career aspirations I would never have. They talked about how much

she loved me. They talked about my relationship with God. She called me

Vicky and I went by Tory now. And I started to hate the letters.

They werent her. But they were the closest thing I had to her. I wanted to get

them. I didnt want to get them. My birthday would come and I would start to

get anxious. I was letting down a dead person. She was writing to some other

daughter. The one who had been in her head. The one I couldnt compete

with.

I read the last birthday letter when I turned 25. I had been so tense that

week. I read it, and I was relieved. Relieved that there was only one more to

go. It was a terrible feeling. At the end of the letter my Mum wrote See you

on your wedding day.

I asked Dad to send me the wedding letter immediately. My poor old Dad. He

said, She loved you thats why she did it. She never wanted to let you go.

It struck me then that maybe she never left any letters for him. The man that

she had loved for 25 years.

I lay in bed with Kerry that night, with my arms wrapped around her. We

joked that this was the night before our wedding. After she fell asleep I lay

there and felt sick. It would be my Mums last letter. The last time I would

hear her voice, the last time she would say things to me that might not have


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been said before. And she would say all the wrong things. And it wasnt her

fault or mine.

I wished that she had not sent the letters. Any of them. I wished that she had

died and that I had been able to mourn her like a regular person.

The next day the mail came and the letter did not. Or the next day. I spoke to

Dad and he swore he sent it. But it never arrived.

I cried and cried.

I like to think that something. Spiritual or cosmic happened to that wedding

letter. I like to think that Mum knew the last letter should not get to me.

I like to think that was her last message to me.

letters from my mum

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