lenny and bobby

8/9/2019 Lenny and Bobby

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Lenny and Bobby

An excerpt from the novel in progress, Lenny and Bobby

Riley Hamilton

I got a story to tell.

The Notorious B.I.G.


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Chapter 1

Bobby and I are standing back to back and then Mom measures the lengths of our

legs with a ruler. My legs are hands down longer than Bobbys, giving me the natural

running advantage.

Lenny wins again, Mom says, and gives my back a slap.

Of course he would. Do you think my legs are going to get longer than his in a

month? Hes older than me. I dont really understand why we do this leg measuring, Bobby

says.

Yeah, we know you dont, Bobby, Dad yell s from the kitchen.

My mom and I laugh and then she gives me a low-five.

Bobby is the worst brother I could ever have. Dad and Mom favor him because he is

the fat, pink baby of the family. Dad goes, Whats the baby doing? at least five times a

day. Bobby hates it because he is twelve and sometimes he has friends over when he is

being referred to as a baby.

I do jumping jacks and calf stretches in the living room while Dad and Mom prepare

a pizza in the kitchen.Whats the baby up to? Dad asks.

Babys in his room, playing with other babies, Mom says.

Bobby slams his door shut. I run to his door and stand outside knocking on it. Dad

asks what Bobby wants on his pizza.

What topping does Baby want on his pizza? I say. Theres some mumbling from

inside the room.

I dont know. Ask your brother what he wants, Mom says.

No, Mom, I was asking him. Just then. That was me asking.

What did he say? she says.

Nothing yet, I say, then knock again on Bobbys door. What does Mr. Baby want to

eat? Unlock your door.The door unlocks and then its open, with Bobbys pink face in the crack. Lenny, can

you please leave me alone?

No. What are you doing in there? Mom wants to know what you are doing in there

and also what you want on your pizza.

Im hanging out with my fri ends. Tell her I dont care. Whatever everyone else is

having. Hes about to shut the door and I hear one of his friends in the room ask him

something.

Bobby says, Yeah, I dont know. He doesnt have very many friends. Then the door

is shut again.

I have plenty of friends. I recently made a really great friend in my Life Management

Systems class. It was a Monday and we were supposed to be presenting some type of made

up product to the class. I thought about the hilarity of selecting a novelty urinal cake as the

product. Everyone got into groups of two, then the teacher found another kid who hadnt

been selected either and he put the two of us together.

Uri nal cakes, I said to my new partner.

I should have selected my product as a life-saving device because he almost died

laughing. We had fifteen minutes to come up with a sales pitch that we would present as a


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little skit in front of the class. My partners name was Willy. So of course he became Willy

the Silly to me. We picked a number from the teachers desk to determine the order. We

were fifth in line.

Four boring presentations later, it was our turn. We had it all worked out. Willy, the

customer, sat at the teachers desk and I stood in front of it, trying to sell him urinal cakes.

We made a makeshift ball of tape as a urinal cake and I sold the shit out of it to Willy.

Mr. Will y, I said, Whats your least favorite thing about using a urinal?

Well , Lenny. Theres not much I do like about it.

Willy had excellent timing.

Well , Will y. Do you ever sometimes stink when you go to the restroom? This got

some snickers from our classmates.

Yes, I do, actually. I sometimes stink real ly bad when Im in the restroom.

Then I have the cake for you. The urinalcake. See, our urinal cakes emit a strong

deodorant into the air while they are being used. This deodorant whisks up from the cake

and attaches to your body, providing a delicious smell for those who have forgotten to apply

any underarm protection during the day.

When I had finished this, Willy and I had a least four people laughing. I felt like I

was already in Heaven with my grandparents. Willy finished it off by saying, Thanks forcuring my stink, Mr. Lenny, and then we both bowed. My teacher was silent after the

presentation, but I think he secretly loved it. Willy became my best friend.

Dinner at my house is always a spectacular extravaganza. Every night we order only

the best pizzas from all over town. Monday night is Crusty Louies night. Tuesday nights are

reserved for Wacky Louies. Wednesday through Friday we eat Pizza Hut. We dont really eat

on the weekends. Sometimes we go into the pizza shops to eat. My favorite is Crusty

Louies because they have the biggest meatballs you could ever eat. Sometimes Mom wont

let us eat anything for breakfast or lunch so that we could save up our appetites for CrustyLouies meatballs.

Willy sometimes asks questions at the lunch table about my eating habits.

Why dont you have any money for food or a packed lunch? he asked one day.

Im actually saving my appetite for dinner tonight.

What are you having for dinner?

Crusty Louies. They have real ly big meatballs.

Would you like some of my applesauce or anything? He pushed it towards me.

Thats okay. I better save it up.

Sure enough, when dinner came around, the food tasted about ten times better

because I had forgone the Willy applesauce.

At night is when I usually scare my baby brother. My favorite thing to do is pretend

to be a ghost. I wear all black and put a pillowcase over my head. Then I typically slither on

my stomach across the hallway. On either side of our living room is a hallway with two

rooms on each side. Bobby and I are on one side and then my parents bedroom and the

guest room are on the other. The hallway on our side is where the belly-slithering takes

place. Once I make the moves towards Bobbys room I usually use a Q-tip with the cotton

ripped off to get into his room. He had started locking his door so that I cant get in at night.


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It takes about ten minutes but once I have his bedroom door unlocked its all about me.

Tonight, I got right in.

His bedroom is Star Wars-themed topped off with a glow-in-the-dark Millennium

Falcon on his ceiling. It used to be my Millennium Falcon. I lay very quiet on the floor for a

few minutes before I slither under his bed. This is the fun part. I had spent some of the

afternoon screaming in my bathroom to make my voice hoarse. The more hoarse the voice,

the scarier the moans. Bobby requires some special moves based on his sleeping positions

and tonight he is in the face-down/arms-tucked-in position. This means that I start out by

pushing up against his mattress from the bottom at different parts. It moves him around

and gets his adrenaline pumping. He is still snoring up above despite all of my pushing.

Bobby, I say in a scary voice. You are a bad brother. I wait and then moan my

hoarse moan again. Dad and Mom like Lenny so much better.

I hear a rustling up in the sheets. It is usually my intense moaning that wakes him

up the best. There is still some rhythmic, infantile breathing up above.

I peek my head out from under his bed to read the alarm clock by his bedside. I

start hitting his mattress harder. Bobby, you are not welcome in this house.

The bed creaks.

Lenny, get out from under my bed. Mom and Dad asked you not to do thisanymore.

I quickly get out from under his bed and run to the door, leaving it wide open. Mom

and Dad cant stop me from scaring my little brother. Get out of this house, I moan as I

leave his room. Ive never seen him more scared. I leap back into my bed and have the

dream where Im in Heaven with my grandparents again.

When we dont have leftover pizza to eat my mom makes pancakes.

Thanks for waking me in the middle of the night again, Lenny. It was real ly

terrifying, Bobby says.

If it was so sarcastically terri fying than why did you scream like crazy last night? Iask.

Bobby, stop being mean to your brother, Mom says.

You told him he couldnt scare me anymore though at night. He comes under my

bed, Mom, at night. He knocks on my mattress from underneath. Its the weirdest, stupidest

thing ever.

I look at Dad. He whispers something to Mom in her ear.

He loves to scare people though, Mom whispers back, too loudly.

Tell them about this weekend. Dad says.

No, you said you would, Mom says. Dad has something hed like to tell you boys.

Thanks, Shirley, Dad begins, slamming his hand down on the table, causing our

plates and glasses to shake. Well children, your Mom and I are going out of town this

weekend. To Japan.

What? Bobby and I say in unison, jinxing each other.

Eat your pancakes! Mom says.

Mom really hates when we dont want to eat her famous pancakes in front of her. I

shove a bunch of pancakes into my mouth.

Why are you going to Japan? I ask.

Your mother and I are taking a little vacation. Mom has a cousin in Japan and she

has invited us to stay there.


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Who is babysitting? I ask, trying to swallow the pancakes at the same time.

Well , we thought that because youve been so good Lenny, maybe you could watch

Bobby for the weekend.

Besides, this trip is requiri ng us to pinch some extra babysitting pennies. Dad gives

Moms side a squeeze and then they kiss.

No, Mom and Dad. Lenny is not babysitting me. Its not a good idea.

Mom and Dad just said I was babysitting you. Babies need babysitters. Im not sure

what part of this youre not getting, I say and kick Bobby under the table in his shin.

We are leaving this weekend and you boys will be good, Dad says. You may think

this sounds great, Lenny, but you are responsible for your brother. He will be taken care of.

Its not going to be a picnic.

Yeah, Dad, Im sure its going to be super terri ble. I roll my eyes so they know Im

being sarcastic and then I kick Bobby again. I grab the syrup from the middle of the table

and pour a king-sized amount over the remains of my pancakes.

to be continued in 2014

lenny and bobby

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