lecture 6 assertiveness (1) 2

Prepared by : Sujatha Balakrishna

Definition of Assertiveness

An honest, direct, and appropriate expression of one's feelings, thoughts,

and beliefs.

Prepared by : Sujatha Balakrishna2

Assertiveness

What is assertiveness?

• Developing self-confidence - having a positive attitude towards yourself and others

• Being honest with yourself and with others - respecting yourself and others

• Able to express yourself clearly and to communicate with others effectively.

• Having the ability to say directly what it is your want, your need or feel, but not at the expense of other people.

• Being able to behave in a rational and adult way, and being able to negotiate and reach workable compromises.


Test Your Assertiveness Can you express negative

feelings about other people and their behaviors without using abusive language?

Are you able to exercise and express your strengths?

Can you easily recognize and compliment other people’s achievements?


Test Your Assertiveness Do you have the confidence to ask

for what is rightfully yours? Can you accept criticism without

being defensive? Do you feel comfortable accepting

compliments? Are you able to stand up for your

rights?


Test Your Assertiveness Are you able to refuse

unreasonable requests from friends, family, or co-workers?

Can you comfortably start and carry on a conversation with others?

Do you ask for assistance when you need it ?

A “yes” response to the questions indicates an assertive approach.


Why Assertiveness Is Important? Effective communication

brings about the achievement of individual and/or shared goals.

Assertiveness increases your ability to reach these goals while maintaining your rights and dignity.


Assertive Rights

There are some basic individual rights we hope to achieve by being assertive.

The right to:

• To make mistakes

• To consider ones own needs as important as the needs of others

• To refuse requests without feeling guilty

• To express ourselves as long as we do not violate the rights of others

• To judge one’s own behaviour, thoughts and emotions and to take responsibility for the consequences


What’s Keeping You From Being Assertive?

Fear of ruining relationships if you speak your mind.

Lack confidence in your ability.


Have You Ever Felt… … guilty about saying “no”?

… that others regard you as a pushover?

… that it’s better to be well liked than well respected?

… that outbursts of anger are appropriate?

… that intimidation is the only way you can get what you want?


Sound Familiar? If any of these things sound

like you, it means you are probably exhibiting non-assertive behavior.

Realize that you are not alone. Non-assertive behavior is very common in the workplace.


What Assertiveness Is Respect for yourself and

others. Honestly expressing your

thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

Effectively influencing, listening, and negotiating with others.


What Assertiveness Is Not It is important to remember

that assertiveness is not aggressiveness or selfishness.

Being assertive does not involve humiliating or abusing other people and their rights.

Being assertive does not mean violating the rights of others or gaining at the expense of some one else’s loss.


Contrast to…


Aggressiveness Is Inappropriately expressing your

thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way that violates other people’s rights.

Achieving your goal by not allowing others the freedom to choose.

Completely disrespecting others whether it be in an active or passive method.


Are You Aggressive? Do you become abusive,

whether it be verbal or physical, when criticizing others?

Do you purposely make others feel like they are incompetent or unimportant?

Do you make unreasonable demands of other people?A “yes” answer to any of the questions may indicate aggressive behavior.


Are You Aggressive? Do you boast or exaggerate

your achievements? Do you ignore the rights and

feelings of other people? Do you aim to get your way

at all costs? Do you often dominate

conversations with others?


Contrast to..• Passive behaviour

- Lack of self-confidence

- People who behave passively too often find it difficult to express themselves and end up complying with the wishes of others


Acting (Passively) Unassertiveness Is

Acting in an indirect or passive manner.

Permitting others to take advantage of you by violating your rights.

Thinking that you and your needs are inferior to others and their needs.


Are You Unassertive (Passive)? Do you feel guilty standing up

for your rights or expressing your feelings?

Are you unable to recognize and acknowledge your strengths?

Are you uncomfortable with starting or carrying on a conversation?

Do you rarely stand up for yourself?


Are You Unassertive? Do you have trouble saying “no”

to people? Are you unable to ask other

people to perform reasonable requests for you?

Do you feel that you let other people take advantage of you?

A “yes” answer to any of the questions may indicate unassertive behavior.


Why be assertive??

• Helps to boost our self confidence

• Feel good, get satisfaction, justice done

What is required from us to be assertive?• Positive self image

• Belief - that we can act effectively


Situations call for assertive behaviour

• Ask someone in a “no smoking” area to put out their cigarette

• Returning unsatisfactory purchase to shop

• Asking for a pay rise, day off or promotion

• Asking a colleague with whom you share an office to conduct private conversations elsewhere or to stop whistling

• Admitting that you have forgotten someone’s name or failed to complete a task

• Re-opening discussion with someone with whom you have quarrelled


A Passive PersonPassive people

usually: Speak softly and hesitantly. Use fillers like “uh” and

“um.” Avoid eye contact. Allow other people in their

personal space.


An Aggressive Person

Raise their voices when they lose control.

Shout and use accusatory language like “You should” and “You must.”

Stare people down and may invade other people’s personal space physically.

Infringes on others’ rights, using fear and intimidation to get what he or she wants.Aggressive people often:


An Assertive Person

Assertive people usually:

Asserts his or her own rights in a positive, open, honest, and self-confident manner.

Speak calmly and confidently. Notify other people of their feelings

with statements starting with “I think” and “I feel.”

Maintain eye contact, have good posture and are poised and in control.


How to behave assertively..How to behave assertively..1) Body language

- Body language is important in learning to work with assertiveness as it gives a way of reinforcing what we are saying and the way we are behaving.

- The chart gives some examples of the differences between Assertive, Aggressive and Passive Body Language.


How to behave assertively..Assertive Aggressive Passive

Posture Upright/straight Leaning forward Shrinking

Head Firm not rigid Chin jutting out Head down

Eyes

Direct not staring, good

and regular eye contact

Strongly focused staring,

glaring eye contact

Glancing away,

little eye contact

FaceExpression fits

the wordsSet/firm

Smiling even

when upset

Voice

Well modulated

to fit content

Loud/emphatic

Hesitant/soft, trailing off at ends

of words or sentences

Arms/handsRelaxed,

moving easily,

controlled

Extreme/sharp gestures,

fingers pointing

Aimless, still

Movement/

walking

Measured pace suitable to

action

Slow and heavy or

deliberate, hard

Slow and hesitant


How to behave assertively..2) Broken language

- Children use this technique very effectively

- It can be used to make sure that you are listened to and that your message is received.

- With this technique the message has to be repeated until it can no longer be ignored or dismissed.

- Some of the same words are used over and over again in different sentences to reinforce the message and to prevent others from diverting from the central message.

-E.g. ‘We won’t be able to complete by 15th. I understand it causes you problems, but the hard facts are it won’t be possible to complete all the work by 15th. However, we can promise to finish key areas if you tell us your needs, and we will reschedule the rest. What we can’t do is complete everything by 15th.’


How to behave assertively..

3) Fogging

- Technique of agreeing with someone when they are criticising - When someone is behaving aggressively they tend to expect disagreement and they forge ahead with their argument without listening. - Used to slow them down by an unexpected response - It is a way of sidestepping the issue while still retaining your point of view and integrity by agreeing with some part of what they say. -It can reduce the temperature in a potentially explosive situation.

For example, if someone said, ‘Well, that was a pretty stupid way to behave in a meeting’, A fogging reply might be, ‘Yes, I can see that you think it was a pretty stupid way to behave’,


How to behave assertively..

4) Negative feelings assertion

- used to tell someone what is happening and how you feel about it in a constructive way.

E.g. “Each time you arrive at the meeting unprepared, it means we have to recap for your benefit only. I feel irritated about this. In future I would ask you to prepare in advance.”


Nine Types Of Assertive Response Disagree in both a passive and

active manner depending on the situation.

Let other people understand more about you – let them share your thoughts and experiences.

Always ask for answers when you have questions regarding any issues even when it is with a person of authority.


Nine Types Of Assertive Response Be reasonable when you are in a

discussion with others without letting them dominate the interaction.

Always look directly into the eyes of the person you are talking to.

Say “no” to any requests you are uncomfortable with or feel is unreasonable.


Nine Types Of Assertive Response Accept compliments graciously

without feeling embarrassed or the need to depreciate yourself.

Insist on being treated fairly and justly – never let others take advantage of you.

Be friendly and sincere with the people you would like to know better; give them a chance to get to know you.


Are You Assertive at the Workplace?Then you do your job well

while maintaining your rights and fulfilling your responsibilities.

Don’t worry if you don’t fit into this category yet … There’s still hope!


Developing to Your Full Assertive Potential Inside everyone,

there’s an assertive person trying

to get out.

What’s keeping you back?

Prepared by : Sujatha Balakrishna36

How to communicate assertively!• Your perspective of the situation :

- what is the issue of the situation

e.g. “I have noticed that the common areas are frequently messy and dirty.”

• Your feelings about the situation

- describe how the situation make you feel without blaming others

e.g. “I feel frustrated because I do feel that I am the only one who is doing

my part of the cleaning”

• Your wants regarding the situation or outcome

- own your request for a resolution by using “I” instead of “you”

e.g. “ I would like to reconsider the agreement and come up with a plan that we all can work out regarding the cleanliness of our apartment.”


Letting Other People Know How You Feel While remaining cool

and collected, try to explain your point of view.

Use terms like “I feel” and “I think” rather than “It should be” or “It must.”


Assertiveness is More

Than Courage


Use good communication to Use good communication to

transmit your requests and transmit your requests and feelings.feelings.

Don’t Go Down the Passive or Aggressive Road

PassivePassive AssertiveAssertive AggressiveAggressive


Reminder

Assertiveness =

Personal Authority + Confidence in Your

Skills+ Sense of Purpose + Commitment to

Goals


A good way to enforce what you’ve learned is to role-play.

“The Play’s the Thing…”

Practice and feedback are essential to discovering strengths and weaknesses, as is having a chance to try out your skills.

lecture 6 assertiveness (1) 2

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