leave me alone! ”
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Leave Me Alone! ”. Part 2: How can we improve relationships by avoiding power struggles?. Insights into the Psychological World of Emotionally Troubled Youth. Dr. Steve Parese Danbury, NC. Avoiding Power Struggles. - PowerPoint PPT PresentationTRANSCRIPT
Leave Me AlonLeave Me Alone!e!””
Dr. Steve Parese Danbury, NCInsights into the Psychological World of Emotionally Troubled YouthInsights into the Psychological World of Emotionally Troubled Youth
Part 2:Part 2:How can we How can we
improve improve relationships byrelationships by avoiding power avoiding power
struggles?struggles?
When triggered, troubled youth often draw helping adults into destructive power struggles by over-reacting to basic requests with anger, sarcasm, whining, or withdrawal.
When staff react in kind, we feed these battles of will and ultimately damage relationships.
Avoiding Power Avoiding Power StrugglesStruggles
Negative Negative BeliefsBeliefs
(about self and others)(about self and others)Stressful Problem
Strong Feelings
Impulsive Behavior
Conflict CycleConflict Cycle
Based on a model created by Nicholas Long, Ph.D.
Negative Consequenc
es
Negative Negative BeliefsBeliefs
Reinforced by consequencesReinforced by consequencesStress Increases
Feelings Intensify
Behavior Escalates
Consequences Worsen
Conflict CycleConflict Cycle
Based on a model created by Nicholas Long, Ph.D.
Negative Negative BeliefsBeliefs
Reinforced by consequencesReinforced by consequencesStress Peaks
Feelings Out of
Control! Behavior Explosive!
Consequences Severe!
Conflict CycleConflict Cycle
Based on a model created by Nicholas Long, Ph.D.
POW! BAM! SPLAT!
FULL BLOWN FULL BLOWN CRISIS!CRISIS!
LetLet’’s read about s read about AndyAndy’’s conflict with Mr. s conflict with Mr.
JohnsonJohnson
Despite our training, there may be times when we react personally rather than respond professionally to challenging youth. A deeper understanding of our anger traps can help us defend against emotional overreactions in difficult situations, allowing us to remain clear, calm, and focused instead.
Adult Anger TrapsAdult Anger Traps
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ANGER TRAP #1
STRESSSTRESSLeftover stress from other home or work problems
makes it easy to overreact angrily to a minor situation we might
otherwise be able to handle.
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ANGER TRAP #2EMBARRASSMEMBARRASSM
ENTENTWe feel helpless or
inadequate trying to manage a challenging situation, then turn our embarrassment to
anger.
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ANGER TRAP #3FEAR/FEAR/SHOCKSHOCK
We feel a natural shock or fear in response to a threatening situation, then turn anxiety into
anger.
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ANGER TRAP #4VALUES
VIOLATION
A core value is violated by an offensive
behavior, sparking feelings of deep indignation and righteous anger.
VALUES VALUES VIOLATIOVIOLATIO
NN
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ANGER TRAP #5
AUTHORITAUTHORITY Y
CHALLENGCHALLENGEE
We engage in an angry power struggle to establish control or dominance over a
defiant youth.
02/16/2011
Hot Spot SituationWrite about a specific
situation with a youth when your buttons were
pushed.
Describe the TRIGGER SITUATION only. Do not
write about what you did.
Troubled youth often have difficulty expressing
themselves without aggression, avoidance, etc.
One of the most powerful relationship-building tools is
also the most basic: LISTENING
Active Listening SkillsActive Listening Skills
Part 3:Part 3:How can we How can we
improve improve relationships by relationships by using listening using listening
skills with skills with troubled youth?troubled youth?
Dr. Steve Parese Danbury, NCInsights into the Psychological World of Emotionally Troubled YouthInsights into the Psychological World of Emotionally Troubled Youth
16
Attending+Decoding +Reflecting
ACTIVE LISTENING
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ATTENDINGListening Level 1
Good listening is more than just waiting your turn to talk.
Good listeners communicate concern and a willingness to help as much by what they DO than what they SAY.
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TABLE ACTIVITY:
In table groups:Complete the rating of
GOOD LISTENING versus
POOR LISTENINGHABITS
19
DECODINGListening Level 2
Much of our real meaning is communicated non-verbally or paraverbally. Good listeners learn to read between the lines and interpret what is NOT said.
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How is REAL MEANING communicated?Facial expressions & body language
Tone of voice/
inflection
Actual words chosen
55%
38%
7%
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What emotions can you decode?
•Angry•Helpless•Frustrate
d
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What emotions can you decode?
•Embarrassed•Defeated•Worried
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REFLECTINGListening Level 3
Reflective listening summarizes what we hear youth saying, including a guess at their feelings.
To use this technique, pay careful attention to both verbal and non-verbal messages, then briefly paraphrase what you’ve heard in your own words.
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Reflecting Feelings “I can’t believe that Tanisha posted that picture of me on
Facebook! Now EVERYBODY will think I’m a total slut! I’ll teach
her…”
Create a statement acknowledging Alicia’s feelings without trying to solve the problem.
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Reflecting Feelings “I can’t believe that Tanisha posted that picture of me on
Facebook! Now EVERYBODY will think I’m a total slut! I’ll teach
her…”
“I can see how __________ you areabout _________________________.”
26
Reflecting Feelings “I can’t believe that Tanisha posted that picture of me on
Facebook! Now EVERYBODY will think I’m a total slut! I’ll teach
her…”
“I can see how UPSET you areabout WHAT TANISHA’S DONE.”
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Reflecting Feelings
Create a statement acknowledging Danny’s feelings without trying to solve the problem.
“When my foster parents find out that I skipped school again today, they are going to totally lose it! They’ll probably tell Social Services to take me back. Whatever... I was getting tired of their crap anyway.”
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Reflecting Feelings
“It sounds like you are ____________ about __________________________.”
“When my foster parents find out that I skipped school again today, they are going to totally lose it! They’ll probably tell Social Services to take me back. Whatever... I was getting tired of their crap anyway.”
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Reflecting Feelings
“It sounds like you are NERVOUS about HOW YOUR FOSTER PARENTS WILL REACT.”
“When my foster parents find out that I skipped school again today, they are going to totally lose it! They’ll probably tell Social Services to take me back. Whatever... I was getting tired of their crap anyway.”
Key Point #4Key Point #4Key Point #4 At some level, youth in
crisis WANT to tell their stories to trusted adults, but seldom say exactly what they mean.
Good listeners prove they are trustworthy by truly paying attention, by decoding hidden meanings in body language and facial expressions, and by reflecting back to youth what they seem to be saying.
Dr. Steve Parese
THANK THANK YOU!YOU!Dr. Steve Parese
For more information about staff training this content, email me S
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