leadership development-3 ways to master difficult conversations
TRANSCRIPT
Leadership Development-3 Ways to
Master Difficult Conversations
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
As I have been recently facilitating a number of leadership development coaching sessions I’ve been speaking to a lot of leaders about ‘difficult’ conversations.
They are the conversations that: (a) You don’t know how or where to start
(b) You’re worried about the outcome
(c) You can’t quite find the words
(d) You feel you’ve ‘messed up’ in the past
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
So you hope that if you avoid the conversation, the problem might go away. (A clue: it won’t).
So ask yourself this:
What’s to be gained from having this conversation?
And
What could we potentially lose if we have this conversation?
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
This is clearly an area that a lot of us could get better at both at work and in our personal lives – which is why there are so many books written on this subject (Tough conversations; Crucial Conversations, Fierce conversations…. You name it, there’s a book!)
And I would say it’s a topic that comes up in some shape or form with most of the leaders and teams I work with and it’s been one of the most challenging areas of work for me personally.
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
Much as I hate to generalize or stereotype it’s something we Brits seem to be particularly poor at, for some reason.
When I work with other Europeans theyoften despair of our total inability to ‘sayit as it is’.
So why do we find it so difficult?
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
The most common reasons are:
A strong need to be liked (yep, that was mine!)
And/or
Fear of conflict (psychological or physical)
But where do those beliefs come from?
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
Often we’re brought up to believe:
I must be nice I must be supportive Don’t rock the boat Don’t make personal remarks
You’ll have your own script. And whilst these phrases might seem to serve us well some of the time, we have to ask:
‘In this situation, in what way is this belief serving me (or others) well?’
If the answer is ‘it’s not’ then there’s work to be done.
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
Here’s my story.
Wanting to be liked made me a great supportive coach.
But most leaders want to be challenged.
They want their thinking to be challenged, they want honest feedback about their impact and their blind spots; they want to be stretched to the edge of their comfort zone and beyond and they want somebody to ‘say it as it is’ to them with what is sometimes beautifully described as ‘fearless compassion’.
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
So to be a better coach I had to get over my desire to be liked and focus on the need to ‘speak my truth’ to serve my clients and their organizations in the best possible way.
At first it was hard.
I took a lot of deep breaths before speaking.
At times, I screwed up, misread a situation, got the wrong end of the stick or was too focused on my own ‘stuff’ rather than the person in front of me.
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
But I believe it was Woody Allen who said ‘if you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’renot doing anything very innovative’.
So I keep on going!!
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
And that is where preparation is the key to making a good start. Now, I’m not saying you should prepare a script but you do need to be clear on:
The purpose of the conversation The outcome you want as a result of the
conversation How long you need for the conversation What will happen after the conversation
(immediately after and in the longer term)
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
Once you’re clear on that, I’ve found that one of the best things to do is to practice saying out loud the things you have written down.
You can do that with a friend, a colleague or a coach.
Or you can simply practice saying it out loud when you are driving, doing the washing up (well, that works for me!) or anywhere else.
There’s something about saying the words over and over again a few times which helps us become more comfortable with what we need to say.
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
So you’ve done your preparation and it’s time for The Conversation…..
Remember, it’s a two way street.
So you’ve done your preparationand practiced out loud. The twoof you are in a room together
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
So start by:
Outlining your reasons for having the conversation
Explaining what is at stake
Sharing your thoughts and feelings on the issue (I think/I feel NOT you make me think/feel….)
Explaining that you are looking for a solution and mutual understanding
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
Then:
Ask for a response from the other person SHUT UP AND LISTEN! And allow some silence for
reflection Explore options to help you move forward Agree actions.
Like many things, the more we practice the easier these difficult conversations will become. But if we do nothing….. well, you know the answer to that!
Leadership Development-3 Ways to Master Difficult Conversations
So here are the three ways to master difficult conversations:
Understand your beliefs and where they come from (and decide if you need to ‘re-visit’ some of them if they are not serving you well)
Prepare Practice
Once you do this a few times, you’ll findconversations become less difficult andeasier to have ‘in the moment’.
For more information on how to Master Difficult Conversations please contact
www.lynnscottcoaching.co.uk