10 things three people in Heaven taught me about

living a happy life on Earth

-- or --

TGIT!!

Professor Sheri BridgesLast Lecture

Wake Forest UniversityFebruary 13, 2008

Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

• Of marshmallows . . . – A “tenderheart” who cries at TV ads is

going to talk about losing loved ones????

• Memories . . .– Remembrances of them are with me

still

• And legacies– Lessons they taught me changed my

yesterday, my today and my tomorrow•A gift that makes me happy, not sad

The first angel

• My fiance, Chris Dippel– a.k.a. Honey Baby, HB, The HB– Big man w/big appetite for life

– From New Orleans•Rex, King of Mystic Krewe of Comus

– Died in 2001, one month before our wedding date

Angel #2

• Julia Nicolazzo Bridges, my mother– High-spirited, 1st-generation

American

– Teller of truth w/a capital “T”

– Giver of Italian hugs and kisses

– Died in May 2007, just before Mother’s Day

The third angel

• My father, James Bridges– Semi-soft-spoken southerner

– Veteran, patriot, inventor, fixer of broken things

– Died in June 2007, just before Father’s Day, 34 days after mother

– Parents divorced >20 years•Relationship: from chemistry to combustion

What the angels had in common

• An approach to life– They didn’t have everything they

wanted, but they wanted everything they had

– They smelled the roses, saw the glass as half full, and counted their blessings

They TGITed: Thank(ed) God and goodness it’s today!

How did they do it?

• The answer is simple (but not easy!)

• It takes practice

• It will work (if you want it to)

• It comes with a “money-back guarantee”!

#1 Attend a happy hour every day . . . and go by yourself

• “I just can’t get that monster out of my mind.” ~ Movie heroine– Thoughts, worries, concerns plague us– We can’t clear our heads– Stress is a constant companion

• Mind your Ps and Qs (peace and quiet) – Find, make, take time for being

How?

• Identify your ideal way of relaxing– A way of taking a mental health break

• Plan, protect, practice till it’s routine – Could you go a day w/out brushing your

teeth? Don’t go w/out p + q time!

• What did the angels do?– Walked around garden; took coffee

break at 4 p.m.; lunched outside w/birds and bees

# 2 Just say “no”

• Avoid the disease to please– When opting out is never an option

• It’s a matter of mathematics– Subtract from, don’t add to, your to-do

list– Keep the yes-to-stress ratio low

• In the words of Meville’s Bartleby the Scrivener, say “I would prefer not to”

How?

• Know – and respect – your limits– Draw a line in the sand

• Learn to say “no” in several languages– Non, ne, nein, ni, nyet . . . ?

• What did the angels do?– They said “no,” without apology or

explanation

#3 Don’t wait for milestones; find magic in moments

• Refrain from wishing your life away– Can’t wait for weekend, break, graduation

• Psychologist William James’ view – We’ve been there, done that so many

times, we don’t notice ordinary events of daily life

• According to Baba Ram Dass– Learn to savor each second, Be Here Now

How?

• Don’t look back w/regret or forward w/fear, but around w/awareness– a la James Thurber

• Remember: Yesterday’s a memory, tomorrow’s a mystery, today’s a gift– Which is why it’s called the present

• What did the angels do?– Made pizza from scratch, took karaoke

machine to chemo, cooed over tomato plants

#4 Quit complaining

• Griping, grumbling, groaning as a habit– Unhappiness → complaints, or vice versa?

• Constructive vs. destructive complaints– Complaints as means to achieve needed

change, or complaints for sake of complaining

• Ask yourself: Do I see a rosebush w/thorns or a thorn bush w/roses?

How?

• Ask if complaining will make a difference– Change what you don’t like or change

your attitude. ~ Maya Angelou

• Try purple bracelet experiment: switch from one wrist to other w/each gripe– KC pastor tired of parishioners’ criticism

• What did the angels do?– Not a single whimper over kidney stones

or broken bones

#5 Close your eyes + visualize peacefulness

• Go “Far from the madding crowd”– Stray from strife . . . and stress of

everyday life ~ Thomas Gray

• “ . . . keep your head when all about

you Are losing theirs ~ Kipling • Let “the force be with you” ~ Star

Wars

How?

• Escape to personal oasis in your mind– Remember a calming memory or

thought

• Listen for “the sound while a butterfly’s eating – such quietness” ~ Takahama Kyoshi

• What did the angels do?– Brought Zen-like approach to fishing,

cooking, fixing!

#6 Laugh loudly and often

• Laughter (is) the Best Medicine– Reduces stress hormones, relieves

pain, promotes relaxation, produces endorphins

• Lighten up! It is a laughing matter.

• Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can. ~ Elsa Maxwell

How?

• Look for humor in situations- “Joe, I’ve decided to make you the plant manager,” the boss told his employee. “Gee, thanks,” Joe gushed. “What do I have to do?” “Just water them every day,” the boss replied.

• What did the angels do?–Giggled when scammed, howled at obscene phone caller, guffawed at movies

#7 Fire it up!

• We have intense workouts; what about intense playouts?– Extreme, consuming, exquisite fun

• Engage in passionate pursuits– Don’t love what you do? Then be sure

to find time to do what you love!

• Don’t be afraid to make joyful noises– Remember squeals of excitement on

the playground?

How?

• Send a signal to yourself, others that it’s time for FUN– Turn up the music, buy balloons . . . .

• Abandon all inhibitions, ye who enter here (with apologies to Dante)– Give yourself permission to go “crazy”

• What did the angels do?– Danced in the living room, lit fireworks

on birthdays, sang (loudly!) to Frank Sinatra

# 8 Look down, not up

• Reference point affects our satisfaction – Sister’s allowance $10/week, yours is $5???

• Framing situation as a loss produces more extreme reaction than framing as a gain– I get less than she does vs. without the

money my parents give me, I’d have zilch!

• Beware to whom you compare– Fact: you have less than some, more than

most

How?

• Recognize envy as a “deadly” sin– Clouds thoughts, precludes hope of

serenity, shrivels the heart, no fun at all ~ Joseph Epstein

• Use internal, not external, mile marker– You vs. your goals, not you vs. Joneses

• What did the angels do?– They didn’t make comparisons!

#9 Keep track of rocks + pebbles, let sand slip thru

your fingers

• What’s on first?– Top priorities in life are . . .

•Family, Faith, Health, Lifestyle, Vocation matters, Money, Achieving Success, Friendship, Leisure Pursuits, Influence

(Bharna Group)

• It’s all a matter of perspective– Today the “catastrophe” seems HUGE,

but will you remember it/will it matter a year from now, or even next week?

How?

• Consciously save room for dessert– Favorite people, pastimes, projects,

pursuits

• Learn to forgive, forget and laugh– Don’t brood; see your life as an

anthology of humor not horror

• What did the angels do?– Exactly as they pleased!!

#10 Always remember who you are and what you

represent• When I say skunk, what comes to mind?

– Black + white, smelly are strong, immediate

• For brands, associations are expectations – All Harleys are loud and rumbly

• You’re a brand– What can others count on you to do/be;

what can you count on yourself to do/be

How?

• Put pen to paper– Who am I? Who do I want to be?

• Build and protect your reputation– Consistency is neither foolish nor the

hobgoblin of little minds!

• What did the angels do?– They were consistently unique!

P.S. Another angel

• Tallulah Morrow (LuLu), my best friend– Beautiful, happy, fun, serene Southern belle

– 24K gold heart, big blue eyes, colorful clothes

– Everyone thought we were sisters . . .and in our hearts we were!

– Died suddenly of medical mistake in February 2008, five days after Last Lecture

#11 Give thanks

• It’s our heritage– “The Pilgrims made seven times more

graves than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.”

~ H. U. Westermayer

• They had abundant appreciation for abundant blessings – Family, friends, faith, freedom, food,

health, home, love, LIFE

How?

• Develop an attitude of gratitude– Be aware

•Notice when things are going well (and search for the silver lining when they aren’t)

– Be appreciative•Say out loud, “If this isn’t nice, what is?” ~ Kurt Vonnegut’s Uncle Alex

• What did the angels do?– Appreciated everyone and everything!

#12 Give back

• Do not only well, but also do good– “Care and share.”

~ Earl Woods, Tiger’s father

• Recognize the benefits of helping others – Ayn Rand, avid proponent of self-

interest, says helping others can give us reason, purpose, self-esteem

How?

• Find a “care”– A person, place, policy, program

• Make a donation– Of your time, expertise, ear, heart,

hand, shoulder, $

• What did the angels do?– Opened their doors, hearts, wallets

to others in need

Almost-last words of last lecture

• I asked: How will I get along without you, Mother?

• She replied: Honey, you’ll just have to figure it out for yourself

• But I didn’t; my angels had it all figured out for me

Remember: This is no dress rehearsal

• Say “I want to do it”

• Say “I can do it”

• Say “I will do it”

• Just do it! (with thanks to Nike)– Use a checklist every day

Last words of last lecture

Goodbye, my angels.

Hello, happiness!