lacrimosa transcript ifc 25.00

8/18/2019 Lacrimosa Transcript IFC 25.00'

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Lacrimosa

Conor Garrett, BBC Northern Ireland for BBC Radio 4


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Synopsis:

Since he was a teenager, 26-year-old Proinsias O'Coinn has been trying to find a piece of art - apoem, a painting, anything - that could make him cry. He's come close - like when Jean Grey killsProfessor X in X-Men 3 - or when listening to Adele sing 'One and Only'. But it's like the sneeze

that comes tantalisingly close but never quite happens. This is his quest to find out why. In areflection that looks inside as well as outside, to his own doubts and to the Ireland of hisupbringing, Proinsias faces up to a very personal explanation as to why tears have eluded him sofar.

Producer: Conor Garrett, BBC Northern Ireland

Broadcast:

BBC Radio 4 - 17th August, 2015

BBC Radio Ulster – 29th November 2015

Proinsias:

I feel under a bit of pressure to be honest, and I really hope that I shed at least one tear.That’s all I want. I don’t even necessarily feel I have to break down and ball but one tear, ifI feel one tear coming down my cheek, that’s enough.

(Music)

Proinsias (Voice Over:)

My name is Proinsias O’Coinn. I’m 26 years old and for most of those 26 years I’vethought that there is something wrong with me.

Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been trying to find a song, a film, a poem or any piece ofart that could make me cry. The Lion King? Nothing. Weepy Adele songs? Nope. XFactor sob stories? Not a chance.

I’m almost a bit embarrassed to say this but the closest I’ve come to shedding a tear wasat X-Men 3. Yyou know that bit when Jean Grey kills Professor X.

“…Don’t let it control you.”

Aww I was gutted – but I didn’t cry. It’s weird it’s the sheer joy at these moments that thiscould be it. This could be the time that I cry, that actually stops the tears ever coming. It’slike the sneeze that comes tantalizingly close but you just never get it.

So I’m on a mission to find a piece of art that will push me over the edge and allow me to

cry. But what if start crying? Will I stop?

(Film Clip)


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Proinsias (VO):

You see in my head, if I’m able to find a piece of art that can make me cry then I’ll be fullyable to appreciate and engage with it like everyone else.

I’m at the Emotions Lab’ at Queen’s University Belfast. A psychologist called Dr. GaryMcKeown has wired me up to all sorts of sensors and gadgets and he’s making me watcha clip from the well-known weepy film, ‘The Champ’.

Proinsias:

Yeah that didn’t do it.

Dr. Gary McKeown:

No I didn’t suspect it would. The lab is not an environment that’s not conducive to crying.We’ve got lots of sensors here. We’ve got an artificial situation where I’m sitting you downin front of a TV getting you to watch just a clip of a film. And really that’s a problem for us.It’s hard to get people to come and sit down and say right ok off you go cry for me now.Because there’s so much social context, who the person is, personal relevance, individualdifferences aspects – all these factors create an environment that in which people wouldbe more or less likely to cry.

(Music)

Proinsias:

Hello…hello Father Cathal. Can you hear me?

Proinsias (VO):

Ok so there’s a bit more to this story than I’ve told you so far.

Proinsias:

Hello Fr Cathal, this is Proinsias here I was calling last week I think I missed your….

Proinsias (VO):

I live in Belfast these days but I grew up in a very catholic conservative part of the worldcalled South Armagh. And up until the age of 15 or 16, I would go to mass every Sunday.Sometimes my Dad would give a reading and I’d sit off to the side with my mum, threebrothers and two sisters. After communion I’d go back to my seat and say the Hail Mary inIrish, French and English. And I’d ask God or Mary to take this away from me.

People say we all have our crosses to bear and I thought that this was mine.

Proinsias:


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So part of the reason why, I think, I haven’t been able to cry was because I...I’m...becauseI…

(Music)

Proinsias (VO):

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I physically can’t cry. I’ve cried at funerals. I criedwhen I was young if my brothers didn’t pass the ball to me. In fact, I was probably a bit ofa yap when I was a child. But since the age of about 15 or 16, I realised that I couldcontrol my tears. I no longer wanted people to see me cry if I could help it.

I know now that this is completely wrong but at the time I think I was thinking that cryingmade you look weak. Real men don’t cry and all that nonsense. And I think that stuckwith me at some level ever since.

I remember one of the last times I cried was when my mum called me to tell me that myaunt had died...which was just over 2 years ago now. My aunt took her own life and I hadnever experienced anything like it. As soon as I hung off the phone I burst into tears. Icouldn’t control it. I just sobbed.

So it’s not that I can’t cry. It’s more that I can’t cry at what I now want to cry at. So filmsand songs and TV programmes, poems...

Poet Michael Longley:

Evening Star (In Memory of Catherine Mercer)

The day we buried your two years and two monthsSo many crocuses and snowdrops came out for youI tried to isolate from those galaxies one flower: A snowdrop appeared in the sky at dayligone

The evening star, the star in Sappho’s epigram Which brings back everything that shiny daybreakScatters, which brings the sheep and brings the goat And brings the wean back home to her mammy.

Proinsias (VO):

I always loved poetry in school. And over the years I found that writing my own poetryhelped me to actually clear my head, settle my thoughts. So to me it made sense to speakto a poet. This is Michael Longley.

Michael Longley:

I remember when I stood in front of Van Gogh’s painting of a simple cane chair - and I’dbeen looking at it in the school library art books for some years - and when I actually stood

in front of it, I was moved to tears. I realised just how much emotion he had locked into hispicture of this very mundane object. Now, it’s kind of mysterious isn’t it?

Proinsias:


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What was it that triggered that emotion in you? So you had seen the painting before in abook but how did you feel at the time? What was it that..?

Michael Longley:

Well it was partly like meeting an old friend.

David: I’m David.

Micheal: I’m Micheal.

Yvonne: I’m Yvonne.

David: 10, 12 years we’ve known each other.

Micheal: We love him to pieces. Love him to bits.

David: He’s a character like. He’s full of it sometimes but (laughs) no, you couldn’t askfor a better friend. He’s unbelievably loyal.

Micheal: In my opinion I don’t think he’d be able to find a painting...I’d say it’s more likelyto be something like a...

Yvonne: It doesn’t have to be a painting. No - but when you say a piece of art it canbe...TV or…

Micheal: Sorry - I meant like - I don’t think he’ll find a...unless it’s something he can reallyconnect with I’d say he’ll struggle.

Yvonne: But then what about...like if you find a story - do you know like his own story. Ifyou can relate to something - if you can really relate to something - it’s more likely to makeyou cry than anything else.

(Music)

Proinsias (VO): I’ve struggled with where the big reveal should go in this doc’. Should Icontinue being vague for a bit longer? No. I’m done with all that bullshit. All thatnonsense. I know exactly what I want to say but I just don’t know how to say it.

Right. I like women...but...I also like men. There was probably a better way of putting thatbut there you go. So what? I can hear people saying. What’s the big deal? I’ve spentmost of my late teens onwards trying to put on this front of being strong and tough. And Iactively went out of my way to avoid doing anything that people might remotely associatewith being gay. I thought that crying might increase peoples’ suspicions that I was.

In an ideal world I wouldn’t have to tell anyone that I like both men and women. In an ideal

world no-one would care what gender people are attracted to. But we don’t live in an idealworld as we all know.(Telephone fx)


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I went on a surfing holiday to Spain at the start of October and got really sick on the lastday when I was flying home which was a Sunday. I ended up in hospital on the Fridaynight and it turned out that I had appendicitis. And I got my appendix out on the Saturday.

A few weeks later I got a phone-call from the surgeon’s secretary asking me to come in.

And the surgeon told me that they found a malignant tumour in my appendix.

This hit me like a ton of bricks.

(Telephone fx)

Nurse: Hello.

Proinsias: Hello. I’ve been waiting for blood test results that were taken last week. I wastold to call back at the end of this week.

Nurse: Right OK hold on a sec’...

Proinsias: Thanks

Proinsias (VO): Now I’m no doctor and I’ve no evidence for this and no -one has backedme on my theory as to why I got the tumour. But I honestly believe it was because ofstress.

I’ve always had this secret in the back of my head, playing on everything I did, everything Isaid, making sure nobody ever found out, I didn’t slip up. And to me it’s been the biggestbattle of my life. A battle I’ve fought on my own for 26 years because I was too afraid totalk about it, too afraid to tell anyone. But I’m not afraid anymore.

Right OK - that’s a bit of a lie. I am still afraid but it’s a different kind of fear now. Where itwas once, what if people find out, what if I do something to give the game away, what ifpeople suss me out? It’s now, what are my friends and family going to say when I tellthem. Are they going to stop speaking to me? Are they not going to want to see meagain? Those are the questions I’m now asking myself.

(Music)

David: As long as you feel better now for it then it doesn’t make any difference to us.

Yvonne: You just know the way I feel about it. Because I just think it’s awful that weweren’t…we weren’t able to be there for you beforehand. And that you had to keep it inwhenever you’ve such...like you’ve the best friends in the whole world. And it kills me tothink that we couldn’t be there for you when you felt like that.

Nurse: Em...1,2,3,4 - oh yeah, no they’re back and they’re fine.

Proinsias: They’re back and they’re fine. OK. That’s great. Thanks very much for that.

Nurse: OK. Bye.

Proinsias: OK bye-bye-bye.


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Proinsias: So, just after getting the last set of blood tests that I had to get done. And asyou just heard there they came back all clear which is brilliant. Brilliant news. That’s theend of the scans and the blood-tests for now anyhow. I think I might have to get reviewedevery year now for the next while but…no that’s…that’s brilliant. It’s kind of the end of thatchapter and this is the start of the next chapter.

(Music)

Proinsias: Do you think it’s important that I do find this piece of art or at this stage does it just not matter anymore?

Yvonne: Now that you are a different person. And you can actually just be yourselfwithout holding back on anything, you will see things different. You’ll be more emotional.You will. You’ll just…because you’re not hiding anything.

Proinsias: To me not being able to cry is the effect of me not accepting myself. And...I

think… it’s time that… I allowed myself to cry.

Pianist Michael McHale:

I broke up with a girlfriend of a long time and it’s one of the few times I felt on stage myselfwelling up. And it was playing this piece…

Proinsias (VO):

This is the professional concert pianist, Michael McHale. We’re sat down in front of agrand piano and I’ve asked him to play me a piece of music which he thinks might moveme to tears. To be honest I don’t really know very much about classical music but Michaeltells me there’s a piece by Schubert that could do the trick.


And there’s always for me an incredible intimacy about Schubert’s music and I think thispiece captures it as well as any other.

(Music)

Proinsias (VO):

I’ve two friends who are a couple and they have an old vinyl player in their house that theygot out of a charity shop somewhere. And sometimes they turn on the record player in theevening after work and slow dance with each other. And as soppy as it sounds, that’swhat I want.

Dr Gary McKeown:


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So let me get up the questionnaire here…where was it? So Proinsias, this is a standardpersonality questionnaire called The Five Factor Personality Questionnaire and basicallyonly one of these factors relates to the likely hood to cry in males and that’s emotionalstability or neuroticism - kind of goes by both of those names - and you’re somewhere inthe middle.

Proinsias :

I’m about to watch a film now called ‘This Is My Father’ and it has the tag line, a rich tale ofone man’s search for his family’s roots. I’ve never heard of this film, never heard of it inmy life but my friend Jenny, she actually specifically bought it off the internet because shesaid that it was the only film that has ever made her cry and that I have to give it a go. Sothat’s what I’m going to do.

Dr Gary McKeown:

So it sounds like you have actively chosen to learn emotion regulation strategies. Perhapswith our art if you are truly being moved the artist has managed to puncture through thosecontrol mechanisms that you have. But if you have been really working hard to developstrategies to avoid that then you are spotting contexts ahead of time and taking steps toavoid those contexts so it doesn’t surprise me at all you have probably developed quite askill set.

(Film Clip:)

‘The sins of this congregation are carnal ! The word of God will not be denied.’

‘I put a curse on you. If you slice your finger until one day you end up chopping your ownhead off…’

Proinsias (VO):

(Laughs) I …I don’t know if Jenny was taking the mickey out of me but this film is… hilarious. It’s so embarrassing. It’s so twee. It’s unbelievable and I can’t see how Jennyfinds this so emotional.

Dr Gary McKeown:

Now if your social strategising to avoid these situations doesn’t just turn off overnight it’snot a black and white situation. So I think you’d probably have your work cut out for you toturn that off over night.

(Film Clip )

‘Look daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings…’

Proinsias (VO):


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You probably recognise this. It’s a clip from Frank Capra 1946 film, It’s A Wonderful Lifethe critic Mike Catto, tells me it’s one of the classic tear jerkers of all time.

Film Critic Mike Catto:

I was staggered to find out that you’d never seen it. Your education starts here. If youwant to do weather if can move you to tears of not you need to sit down and watch, ‘It’s aWonderful Life.’

Proinsias (VO):

Slightly disappointed ...it wasn’t particularly sad. If people think that that’s one of the mostemotional films and the most likely film to make me cry, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Train s tat ion fx

Proinsias: Return to Dublin please. No I’m coming back tomorrow morning. Thank you.

Proinsias (VO):

I’m on my way to the national gallery of Ireland. I’ve been told there’s a painting the rethat’s been known to make grown men cry.

Gallery worker Valarie Hugh takes me to see the painting, Ecce Homo by Titian.

Valarie Hugh:

It has worked for other people, yes.

Proinsias:

Has it yeah, why so?

Valarie Hugh:

Because it’s such a strong powerful image. It’s the one in the corner.

(Music)

Proinsias (VO):

I’m standing in front of the canvas. And although it’s very small, the painting itself, theimage is so powerful.

It depicts the figure of Christ at the time of his crucifixion.

He’s covered in blood. He looks defeated. Lost. Broken. And he’s in tears.

Proinsias:


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It is quite upsetting - he just looks like a normal man. You know why did he have to gothrough all this pain. He’s suffered like we’ve all suffered to varying degrees and aboutdifferent things and we all have our own hardships and...

I don’t think I’m going to cry but the frustrating thing and the most annoying thing is that,

his father, God, allowed him to go through that. What kind of God would allow his son tosuffer so much or anybody to suffer so much? That’s why I’ve so many questions and I’mnever going to get the answer to them. I don’t think anybody is to be honest but it doesn’tmean we can’t ask questions.

Proinsias (VO):

I remember being told when I was a child that if there is a lone star out at night you couldmake a wish and it would come true. And up until the age of about 23 or 24 I used tomake a wish every time I saw a lone star. I would wish that I wasn’t attracted to men. Butthat’s changed. For the last few years, I’ve wished that society would accept me for who I

am. And I still make that wish.

Proinsias (VO):

I’m sitting down now with tea with Fr Lee Cathal. He’s a missionary that I’ve only actuallymet once before. When we did meet he told me I was a searcher like him. And from thatday I’ve felt like we’ve had some sort of connection or bond. If anyone can provide mewith the answers I need, it’s him.

Proinsias:

Do you think when I get to the gates of Heaven, if I’m lucky enough to get there, thatbecause of who I am and my orientation, that there’s less of a chance of me beingwelcomed in.

Fr Cathal:

I couldn’t see that in a million years Proinsias. You’re echoing a thousand voices outsideand inside the Church. The Church at the moment as I would see it, I’m no greattheologian or anything like that but I try keep my finger on the pulse of things. It’s goingthrough its on rediscovery of itself too. Let’s put it personally to you. The church or let’s

say God accepts you and welcomes you and loves you because of who and what you are.Not because of what you should be. I hope that means something to you.

Proinsias:

That means…that means a lot to me. And that means a lot to me… and I had to bite mylip there because I’m getting a bit…but then there’s that side of me that just says, why canthe Catholic Church not teach that? That I’m fine the way I am. There’s nothing wrongwith me. Whereas my whole life I thought I was a freak and I was abnormal and there wasnobody else like me. And now that I’m in a position where I do, it sounds a bit mushy butlove myself for who I am. I feel I can talk about this. But I also need to be honest in

saying that I still am angry at the Church.(Music)Proinsias (VO):


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People now know and it’s strange. Since I’ve told people I kind of feel like I’m doingeverything for the first time. Like listening to music, watching films, even eating anddrinking the most simple and basic things we all do every day. They no longer are taintedbecause I no longer have this knot in my stomach, this weight on my shoulders that hashindered me my whole life.


It’s pretty well accepted now by most scholars and musicologists that Schubert wasbisexual and had a lot of difficult things in his personal life to deal with especially at thattime.

Proinsias:

You nearly had me. (Laughs)

That’s the closest I’ve been to crying in a very long time. And I don’t know whether that itwas I was going to cry out of happiness or sadness. I don’t know. Is that something thatis in that piece do you think, is there hope and…a mixture of hope and tragedy?


Well there is because you’ve just identified it. That’s the beauty of music. There’s everything… there’s everything in it but the most important thing is what you find in it. Andif you find hope in it then there is hope in it and that’s… how perfect is that? That’s whatart is all about.

Proinsias (VO):

I’ve tested films, listening to songs, reading poetry, looking at visual art. I now feel that if Iam to cry at piece of art it will happen in a natural environment.

(Music)

Proinsias (VO):

So tonight I am kind of coming to this end of this journey.

I’m on my way now to…(Fades)

*End of 25’ excerpt*

lacrimosa transcript ifc 25.00

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