1. Boot device2. 20 GB3. Intel core i-2400, 1 GB ram4. Microsoft, 1 processor, 3.10 GHZ intel i5-24004. 1 GB ram5. 06. 14 and 157. Direct access memory controller8. 0x0000001F0-0x000001F79. 210. A C D11. Disk drive12. Virtual machine13. 121214. 615. 45

It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Bill Brasky, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly angered, Bill Brasky hit a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. She was clever though sometimes a little... annoying. Bill Brasky called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very nervous Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured him that most legless puppies yawn before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually indiscriminately turn red *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Bill Brasky? Because she had snuck out from Bill Brasky's with the iPad only five days prior. It was a electric little iPad... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. Leroy Jenkins sighed. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the iPad and she had to do it skillfully. She figured that if Bill Brasky took the deliciously practical 4-door, she had take at least six minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be abnormally screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by eleven dimwitted marmots that were lured by her iPad. Leroy Jenkins yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling angered, she randomly reached for her live hand grenade and carefully deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Segway rolling up. It was Bill Brasky.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Bill Brasky was out of the Segway and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the iPad into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind her whale. Leroy Jenkins was exasperated but at

least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins flamboyantly purred. With a deft push, Bill Brasky opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless zealous...zealot in a 'modded' Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured him. Bill Brasky took a seat not remotely close to where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Bill Brasky was distracted. Absolutely thrilled, Leroy Jenkins noticed a dimwitted look on Bill Brasky's face. Bill Brasky slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in her fingernail when Bill Brasky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the iPad right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on Bill Brasky's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bill Brasky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Bill Brasky carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.

Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been four nanoseconds. As if it really mattered Leroy Jenkins groped exotically in Bill Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Bill Brasky grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill Brasky,' she rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little insensitive, so Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at her or something. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bill Brasky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Bill Brasky. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Bill Brasky was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Bill Brasky had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Bill Brasky. Already weakened from his injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his iPad.

About two hours later, Bill Brasky awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and Bill Brasky did not know where he was. Deep in the mysterious foxy forest, Bill Brasky was scarcely lost. A few unfulfilled decades later, he remembered that his iPad was taken by the marmots. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged marmot emerged from the foxy forest. It was the alpha marmot. Bill Brasky opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the marmot sunk its teeth into Bill Brasky's shin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Bill Brasky's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than eight miles away, Leroy Jenkins was entombed by anguish over the loss of the iPad. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a deft thrust, she buried it deeply into her double chin. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Bill Brasky... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the iPad that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant marmots, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

LOLz!!1

*** L337 Story Generator v1.0*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present*** Forever pwning with earnest.