K N I F E B R E A T H .

ELEANOR HAZARD

i knew i was a ghost when the lights won. when i fell into a coffee shop and said, if i could have a pasture, and th barista said, it's lonely here. when arrows wouldn't point in my direction, or anywhere i'd evr said i'd one day like to visit. i made small marks along my wholesome reputation for a long time aftr that. i lived in sunday aftrnoons, and wouldn't go. i asked questions of th fire in my house, and when i realized i was floating, i held on. my body is a wire fishing hook i made to look like bone. eithr no one notices, or they're polite. in th middle of my hauntings, i get sick with curiosity and fever. i wondr what it would be like to meet you again. if i didn’t know you, would you want me to be tall. we should tie ourselves to us, catch some fish. i want me witnessing yr grip. i want a bottle of

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th city that we live inside. th kind of house where i can find a knife to sell me courage. maybe in the summr. i will need some time to learn to be a bettr fog. if you see me while i'm opening, be gentle. i'm just frightened of how human you could prove to be.

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i have very little knowledge of anything that happened before i learned th meaning of impossible i constructed bird eggs as a child held evrything close to my face i grew up unevn, and was fine until a schism peered between th building cracks and asked why i was fine

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they warned me of th moon tax its loveless history and it slinks along th guttrs of our houses evn now with its nest of vermin how it took th might of all our favorite words to bring it down in '82 does it keep reminding you of autumn posture sometimes i throw my hopeful body at reflections of th moon against th ocean or looking at th sky up thru th lake i'll feel it in my ear th moon will nevr be yr friend i hear in its refrain th neighbrs notice nothing out of sorts

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spittle bubbles thru th cracks along its zipped-up mouth which, as you know is occupied voices full of ancient dirt to make me shivr make me turn my head and say to it i know it vanishes into th boy i used to be and it's soaking in th violence of th moonlight evn now

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one thing i managed to learn from th forest / i live like i'm worthy of land / each valley mark on my face / an omen from when we were kids / it wasn't possible to memorize entire houses / now i can look at pictures of trees / no mattr how innocent or rained upon / and forget what it was i was trying to say / i can rest my head upon / th beauty inherent in that

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even as ink circled over th park hair scratching th apartmnt th way i numbered anything with electronic candy i haven't excited my knees or questioned my childhood kite in a very long time

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look outside little deer wandering round th parking lot looking at yr advrtisementss and speaking in their inside voices asking, do we need this in their cleanest whisprs go outside with them but don’t join them this is important

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if i evr quit smoking i want you to see i can be heavy as jazz like th canyon would tell you would you know th color of my eyes before i go or are you too bright to stop reflecting back at you a nowhere question where i think of you th same way i haven't evr stopped petting my dog even once in my life

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did you know about yr mothr's voice. how it follows you. how it touches surfaces around yr trap without repeating. in a sense, like th turmoil of bats you sometimes see at night, and sometimes don't see. th shrunkn spitting embr of yr cigarette is taken with yr mothr's voice. it sings across th sky of yr nearby face, in passages of smoke. hear it tell you all about th presents it wanted you to have, and nevr could've given you. hear it travel there. yr mothr's voice is a silvry tune inside a bottlecap. tells you th angles at which yr tall, and also th angles at which yr not tall. it sits at th bottom of a cup full of liquid as you sleep, and keeps talking. you wake up and nevr quite recall th sound of bubbles. wait until yr somewhere yr supposed to be and think of how yr mothr's voice can crack th

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giant egg inside yr chest. th one that holds yr voice when yr not using it. think of how th pieces would unfold, and finally stretch their limbs. how th animals escape. think of how evrything would change about th moon's relationship with you. and yr mothr's voice, a quilted tide, all th while relaying to you all th diffrent ways that you can cry. remember th cool of th burrow at th heart of something cinnamon, that watched you sleep that way for several years. be prepared to accomplish absolutely nothing.

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instead of drying patiently a branch burns all alone i magnify and memorize th memory of me th purr of days spent as a foggy rivr rock and of th birthmark on my hip envy is th eggshell on th long walk home i can't see any thorns but even so instead of just degrading a dog intends to jump despite disease so i explore th powr to kiss anything at any given wish i hope from where you are th sun will still be yelling yes

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th ice is almost nowhere else you feel it blot th air six months from now but there is time you can lean against th night a year from now you'll find an x-ray of yrself inside a photograph of someone else you'll realize that yr evn smallr than you thought you were you'll think about th numbr zero for th length of an entire movie five years from now you'll unearth an open bottle full of bright lines somewhere in yr kitchen if someone asks you'll say it's nothing you'll keep looking at it sixteen years from now

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you'll be a full time villain or at least you'll be strongly considering it it's art, you'll say sneaking around town with yr sack full of bombs th kind that are round and have fuses and dream about mtns you don't own a dog evn if you think you own a dog thirty years from now you still won't own a dog nothing about this will change you'll learn something significant from wading out into th water way too far til it touches evry part of you that's made of glass come stick yr toes

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into th softness of th earth and think nothing of necessity don't worry don't raise yr voice th quaking in yr truth is just th future there nevr was an entrance to th alley just keep walking and th tide will come around again th sun still sets on evrything that happens even if you know

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i've always thought i'd be at ease if i could only find a way inside yr stomach. from here i see th fire, and know that it contains traces of th inside of a light bulb. i move furthr past th glowing's excess skin, but you don't wanna hear that. you want details. evryone is playing violin inside th embr sounds. think ólafur arnalds, but as th greatest fcking cave along my mtn sky. is that what ppl do now. take pictures out of wedlock. muddying. i've burned myself before, and th paprs loved it. evryone's waiting. saving their scissors til th last second. i'm sitting now, my private screening at th firelight. it's amazing just how whole i feel from hugging my knees like they're forevr. i feed th fire with evrything i won that night at th slots. you remembr. it's just

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that awful third eye. makes evrything look like th world doesn't mattr in th grand scheme of existence. i nevr rly used it like you wanted. but y'know, it burns so fcking bright.

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someone is keeping yr handwriting with them. in a locket pining somewhere in their sockets. in a tree they've laughed upon. an audio recording of th way in which you write th word 'monkey', foaming right b'side their bed. they wanna touch th way you hold yr pen. and camp inside yr fingers. yr brush stroke is a cool cool willow. yr signature is comfortable at some point.

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heard sightings of powrful flowrs by th highway. would you like to come with me. we don't have to look north if you don't wanna. Papa says i'm brave, but he hasn't seen my hands yet. that trick with th wine glasses just feels empty now. i think i'd like it very much if we had music with us. th sound of a bell in th presence of a powrful flowr. maybe that's th kick we need to get us thru our twenties. with all our arms and legs attached. i know we promised each othr to nevr say 'let's be practical' again, and i hope that still stands. it's a long long way across th watr if we wanna make it there b'fore th sun goes out.

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i wanna be ok. i want you to be ok. when our skulls are feeling dusty undrground, will we remembr. will we remembr hands, and how they speak. when we say that only hours on the moon know exactly how we feel, what do we mean. when i say that nothing evr feels ok, i think i mean that i feel like nothing evr feels ok. we're all made of water, constantly crying inside our parts, where no one can see. stay with me, and maybe we'll see. maybe th tiniest drop will shattr th planet beneath us. maybe we can help ourselves to smile by looking at birds and not rly trusting them. maybe we'll break th intrnet with only our eyes. one day our names will scratch th surface of th sun. th ground is coming on a little strong these days.

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i’m feeling so much slower than all th things that've happened to me. i don’t remember evry fire. i make lists of all my making lists. i’m listening to jazz just for th heat from twenty years ago. all th diffrent jars that i could die in while i’m on th bus, and i think of how they’ll dig me up. they’ll prop me on th intrcom, all dust and woodn smells. my skull will yowl, these are all th things that i’ve forgotten. and th only sound will be my ancient dinnrbreaths.

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a list of arithmetic

1. i am standing on th smallest portion of an avalanche. if i yell a name loud enough to be heard in th ripples of a water glass in someone's loneliness, would it be yrs.

2. what is th exact angle at which i should tilt my head to be able to look in th mirror and stop seeing paper. empty, wholesome, monstrous unlined paper.

3. me, plus th ppl that i pass by in tunnels, plus th feeling of a galaxy standing just above my head at all times, plus heat through open doorway, plus th rest of my natural life equals what.

4. a constantly increasing number of wolf tracks in th snow every time i turn a corner. if you know th answr to any of these questions, pls. bury it in feathers you’ve shared, and don’t let me see. i’m so very bad at math, but i am trying.

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there a zippr nudged up in th evening a house along th hill that we don't know about a diffrent reply on th lake when th smoke caught video we were rush hour kinda and don't know when but we heard answers greatr than th ribs what we left all across th whole damn undrside of ann arbor now we're dressed too old to be yestrday too full of vitamins here to keep on jumping ovrboard

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couldn’t tell if th car had tried to inch further. couldn’t tell if th fear in th bushes had gone. we knew th answer but we had no way to prove that things were true. that all th lights we kept up at night were gonna be somebody someday, in th future that we didn’t wanna think about. we couldn’t tell what wrecked us all awake. wondered if th leaves had finally started crawling back to us. according to th pines, it was a box night. a night to leap together. face first into apricot pits. we rubbed our hands

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against each othr in anticipation. already salting th blood of whatevr it was we couldn’t understand. we lit a fire out of us. even scared, we sharpened things. but it was just th sound of light that frightened us. th yawning of anothr day. it was time to move our lovely trash to th border of th forest. it was time to go to work. and none of us questioned it. we still don’t. we just make mouthing at each othr as we sit in old traffic. and trusting we’ll be fed on some unspecified occasion.

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that time we found an unspeakable evil in th rift behind th dumpstr we touched it on purpose aftr waiting there in silence for a while we couldn't talk about it but we took it home hungry and lost its interest in th pipes inside th walls had grown quite thick you fed it pieces of my voice well, it's just sitting there you said

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i didn't mind outside, a howl came thru th open window i heard numbrs in it i slept like an owl that night in a jar atop my shelf til th morning broke and evryone was gone just explicit stains crept throughout th house i still wondr what happened to us i want you to know

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a list of evry time i thought i saw you in a public place. 1. i sometimes think i’m th only one who knows th crickets undr movie theatr seats. making landmarks in th orphan popcorn. 2. caught you wandering th bar’s other side. thought i was close to yr hand. watchman nevr told me i was drunk. 3. we acted out th desert on th telephone. or, i stuttered in th parking lot, and didn’t find you. 4. yr boots are holy in th apple store. 5 - 321. th ways in which i’m wrong, and how i shove them up my mouth. 322. nxt time i see you i’ll be wrong then too.

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there's a certain sultriness in staying cognizant three hours past a self-imposed bedtime today i'm feeling guilty licking buttr off my fingrs far too slowly standing here in suffocating cornrs of a locked room i know th north is out there and it wants me i tie myself to th mythology of practical thoughts and let myself be dragged

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it's strange but evry time i fold up into traffic or say something like fire ppl stare implying they smell all th matches i keep in my ghost in th rumors of my favorite gown th impossible gendr i keep in my possible heart thriving so voraciously on love and th wood of speckled bird eggs is vowing to bring colors of wine to th rashes of yarn in my deadly dark forest with something for you in th brittle alley birdsong and scratches of erasing th somewhere of a man who wears a colored hat standing just outside my house i wear my mask of small talk and i feel like january but i am getting bettr it's all just circuitry

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i made myself into a mtn, aftr i had cut myself on yet anothr envelope, and gotten weary. or rather i should say, i was swallowed up by something with a cave as i locked my bedroom door for th one millionth time. this is a recording of my skin as it declined th invitations i was sent with a primeval snap. these are all th pictures of th sign along my cliff that said I DARE YOU. i hung it up by being horrible in secret spaces. i covered it with muttrs made entirely of tape soon aftr that. i would show you all th shadows of th gallows i was building, but i'm lying. i wouldn't show you that. i'll only tell you that th only thing i learned from thinking constantly of swamps is th fact that it's impossible to prove th sky is not a heavy

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thing. i want to show my parents where i keep my peak now. i'm learning to enunciate. there are days when i am resting my gigantic mtn bottom on a world that's made entirely of trash. and i'm th only temple visible for miles and miles. i am very plain, but i am large, and also i'm unstoppable. i smile, and th ground shakes. it gets me through th day.

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a list of questions about zen 1. it's inside me // on th outside 2. what if i wrote it a poem forevr // despite evrything 3. am i still allowed a sunny exclamation // if its oval head is calm enough 3. how can i express a life of venice // without screaming always 3. all this // night 3. i'm still undrstanding th flowrs // despite

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evrything 3. how desperate do i have to be // to keep my legs so tightly folded 3. th part of my me that is part nowhere // is also loved right 3. so far my name is still some kindling of violence // i'm trying what i can 3. i can kiss quietly too // despite evrything

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i breathe in th yard of th universe i breathe in kitchen talk i breathe about th ocean and how young we are nickels on th table when you call th enrgy i let out of th bath when i can learn to breathe of other things too

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lately i'm veiling my hands undrground for th morning just to venture what'll come for me in spring out of all th ancient scars who've yet to wear me i'll be somewhere close making claws of myself in th dirt garden wanting for something to prove like th jagged rock of language sat out somewhere in th undryard so no one believes when i stuttr here and my hide in th ground just a little i slowly occur to myself th nxt time i dig up my hands i'll be filthy inches covred in ditches to th arm bones i'll make myself move like a dog pack but up til then my fingrs sunk in crevices of crud and i'll be th holy outdoors gimme something i can operate unwashed and i won't even mind

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just so yr aware, i tried to call you but i didn't. i left it undr anthills. an instant classic. a closed piece of paper. like, you know how dizzy th car gets inside. i haven't fixed anything for months. which should maybe be a question mark. if you want, you can meet on top of air. or make a key for it. which is to say i'd like that. a running ovrboard combined with a kind of keeping on. not just upset in a knife way. i wanna get back to that. whatevr keeping you electric when it's dark out now and then. and always always torches out there, just around th block. let's make it official. i still haven't unpacked.

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i start counting when i think of you. i find myself imagining th sharpness of our canines togethr there's th weathr of a window that is barely out of reach i like to think yr laughing at th ocean when i lack th strength walking on th seashore of th quilt you want to be if only i could write my own owl pellets i surrendered th page of th evening to you when i realized i gave you a cup and you drank til it filled and only evr aftr i realized we're so many woodlands from three years ago and nothing has changed

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in my head nothing obvious will keep us from th ovrpass in my head i am just outside my head we drew circles out of fire in th autumn once in my head th satin in th cliffs th only othr hourglass in town and th raspberry of you in my head we still remind ourselves we can be untouched at any time so evry night th intrsections learning more and more about th way we care and landlocked photographs evn on th days when i'm such 'ugly in a crumbling of deer parts' evn when you appetite and walking evrywhere to see how long it takes until we fail in my head evn on th intrnet and i can be th dusk of my computr screen and you can be possessed by all th distance how we became lions or made out of dinosaur bones something that limps in a beautiful way

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i only want to study all th messes that we are th music of yr name as it exists between my baby gears in my head a terrifying sinkhole because all of this is true and outside is th same familiar sunday i can only love when i'm unconscious

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there's something diffrent about yr hair. 1. did you cut it 2. have you been listening to jazz 3. no i suppose not 4. this time of day yr always wary of th motives of yr eyes 5. now you tilt yr head piano sounds are falling out onto th floor th rest of th week will be worry

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i'm sure 5. notice how th color is a slightly larger bird than what it was red where it used to be starlight blue gold where it used to be th touching of familiar lips 6. imagine its reaction to th fire in th vents 7. place one hand on th impossible gendr in yr possible heart and calm yrself 8. wear hats a football helmet

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until yr comfortable at sea drown yrself in luxury and fabric 9. soon you'll feel th changes taking hold drink lots of water and don't let them touch 10. they'll only call you witch because they can't admit they love you so

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have you evr tried eating in a straight line. jabbing forks directly at th sun. a horizon on yr buttr knife. place yr food into a room you made. clear a plate to rest yr head upon. i mean, once i caught a table. cradled it all th way home. it ended up sunk into all my electricity. so i can't even imagine. maybe leave a carving of yrself at th restaurant. write something sensual on all th napkins, have a little fun with it. 'my body will die in th end evn if i stop eating paint.' 'i like th honesty you put inside this watr glass.' 'are you hiring.' maybe be available in case of any phone calls aftr hours.

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have you evr engraved yr very own city on a collar that loved someone else's neck summr brings out th indent in my voice an unevn spread lights up th valley propr did you know there's always time for laughing in th kitchen somewhere it's medicinal to lingr where we're not supposed to cry i'm writing out all of my questions for you and planning my favorite kind of fire i'm falsifying lists now of evrything i think has nevr met th sea that i hope one day you'll ovrhear and nevr fully undrstand

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when i'm old, i'm going to only speak in jazz let insects rest their feet against my skin live that long, and nothing rly mattrs except love you start to hear th undrground, i bet start losing definitions for th words that life is built upon and then finding whatevr i want to replace them trepidation, that means love, i'll say and melancholy, that's love too hellaciousness is love i'll drift around th room in armored jubilation having already forgotten about gravity i'll shout into a saxophone, you are love i'll probly label all my bones it's love, i'll whispr to th pines whatevr god you think about at night is probly love that mangy thing that bites along th block is probly love this fork in my hand is love th skycaps are love evrything new has just at this very moment become love

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i'll share all my findings with one of evrything i'll nevr leave my lawn again neighbrs shake their heads and eithr smile at me, or frown none of them will undrstand jazz

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tonight yr yearning in th bottom of yr cup a shimmr of an aunt you were fond of who you can't quite remembr like maybe find something that isn't normally orange and then gently show it how you feel like it's ok to be an idiot who just thinks th rain is beautiful in th middle of an endless parking lot with evryone you trust or cry beside a rivr named ólafur arnalds because yr happy tonight you put on yr tendr layers and go out into th world to be a dear you'll probly still want to kill a fly at some point

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but some things take more time in a tunnel off th main road in th diner with th little floating lights that you can eat in th shadow of an antelope that might have been for just a second as you press against th window of th car you see that evrything is just a circle sat inside a bigger, more imperfect circle you write it somewhere on yr skin keep going far enough you'll know when you are home again

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th highway is as faded as a photo of th breathing of a bird it hates sacrificing any kind of quiet thing it knows you now by name i think it imagines you by touch a running tally of th bones that it has broken would destroy us in a fortnight it doesn't realize that it isn't evn sry

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