By Clams Casino and Sheridan Whiteside

GAMBIER — According to anony-mous sources, a group of money-tot-ing babies has booked reggae group Rebelution for Sendoff, Kenyon’s biggest party of the year.

“Gaa gaa, goo goo, ga gaa. Ooooh! Ooooh oooh!” remarked the baby representative, concerning their pro-cess of selecting the band for Sendoff.

“I think he’s trying to say that they didn’t consult any students or campus

music organizations when they came to the decision to bring the least in-teresting or popular band in existence to campus,” said Dean of Academic Affairs Anne Dadino. “Of course, be-cause they have no concept of bud-geting, popular opinion, or current musical trends, it’s understandable.”

As with such well-attended events as ginger bread decorating, a trip to Magic Mountain, and bingo, the tod-dlers convened to decide which musi-cal group to hire for Sendoff.

“Arrrrrrrreeewoooo? Oooo? Aggga gggagg? Bluhgg,” explained the baby representative as a trickle of Gerber carrots dribbled down his face.

Rebelution is a reggae group that hails from the affluent suburb of Isla Vista in Santa Barbara and are known for their songs “Suffering,” “R Way,” and a cover of Bob Marley’s “Natural Mystic.”

Many students are pleased with the babies’ selection. “It’s all about the

struggle,” said Thompson Prouty ’12 of New Canaan, Connecticut. “Like when I go to Peirce at two on a Sat-urday hoping to grab a sandwich and it’s closed? The struggle. I relate.”

The babies were able to snag the innovative band thanks to their plen-tiful resources. According to sources close to the porcine self-selecting infants, “They’re very well-fed. In

Philander’s Most sPlendiferous source of news and GossiP. Vol. 3, issue 10 february 23, 2011

the kenyon collegiate 1

Rebelution Booked For Sendoff By Bewildered, Milk-Bloated Infants

By Barker D. Flugelhorn

GAMBIER — After six months of intensive shitpile-moving, con-struction workers finalized the com-pletion of several of the new North Campu s Apartments in a little over forty-eight hours this past Monday.

“What people don’t realize,” said construction foreman Vincent Malone, “is that the true challenge of building a residence is not the construction of the house itself, but rather answering the question, ‘How can we move this big pile of shit over to combine with that big pile of shit using as many tractors as possible? How many tractors is too many tractors for moving shit around? Should we import more shit to push, or is the shit we have right now good enough?’ These are the questions that keep us up at night.”

Construction on the new housing began at the beginning of the fall semester, and was broken down into two distinct stages.

Stage one, an intensive six-month process, consisted of pushing small piles of shit into each other to make bigger piles of shit, some-times across distances as great as fifty feet. Once these mega-shitpiles were formed, workers focused their efforts on splitting the newly-made large piles of shit back into their

constituent small piles of shit. From there, the small shitpiles were flat-tened, and the whole process started all over again.

“It was hard work, but I think that we pushed that shit around like nobody’s business,” said Larry Bucknel, a unionized shit-pusher and Gambier native. “We must have pushed this shit around the whole construction plot maybe 6000 times. And our quota was 4000, so we’re all very pleased.”

Stage two of the construction is what the workers jokingly refer to as “child’s play.” It takes approximately two days, and consists of everything else involved in building a residence, including laying the foundation; as-sembling the walls, ceilings, win-dows, doors, and general structure; and installing heating, electricity,

Continued on page 4.

Continued on page 4.

InsIde ThIs Issue

Guy In Bathroom StallTalking On Cell Phone

Cornel West Teaches Kenyon It’s Okay To Love

Antigone Cast Weaves Commemorative Tapestry From Shaved Beards

Phling 2012 Theme An-nounced: ‘Burger Blowout’

Malone explains the construction process.

The infants responsible for the decision.California reggae outfit Rebelution.

Construction Workers Push Shit Around For 6 MonthsThen Assemble North Campus Apartments In 2 Days

2please recycle issue before or after reading 2

By Luther Honeybucket

What’s that I hear? The chirpy-lur-py of the Spring Hornet? That must mean it’s high time for Ol’ Luther Honeybucket to throw off his mud cap and moss blanket and quit his hi-bernatin’. Can’t hardly believe ’twere a full sack o’ fortnights ago I dipped my noggin in the Kokosing til it got so soggy I fell plum asleep. And after a toe-grab o’ noontides jigging with my dream-pals Opossum and Ammo-nium, my ribby-bones are a-peakin’ and my gut-critter’s a-growlin’ for feed! Now if you’re a-wonderin’ how to plumpify your belly-lump, shut that toothy lice trap you call a lippy slit and ear up to these word-nuggets:

1. When that hog-mama Neptune’s spoonin’ the breast-milk of the Big Dipper, you know the Lady Skunks

be ripe for stewin’. But they ain’t gonna stew ’emselves! Best way to round ’em up is to make yerself as smelly as a chipmunk’s mating pile. Rub your ball pouch with coon dung and muskrat menses till it’s near to crawlin’ right back up yer butt hole. You’ll have those lady skunk’s droo-lin’ so much they won’t know what hit them! It’ll be yer club!

2. Once ye’ve got yourself a Lady Skunk, resist your pecker pangs and skin them girls clean. Mix ’em in a pot with slug sludge, daffodils and a nostril’s worth of black mold. Stir it over a flame til yer eyes is covered in gray bogey-skin. Peel it off and mix it in! Mmmm, my spittle-collector’s go-ing haywire just jawing about it!

3. Now that the fat crust is crack-ling, here comes the hardest part: kee-pin’ that gourd-humpin’ lamb-scoo-pin Bo Hunkiss and his kettle of cats from chomping yer vittles! The best way to stop those thieving whisker-mugs is to bury yer stew underground for a full year! When you pull it out, it won’t be hot, but gosh burn it, it’ll be safe! Come to reckon of it, last year’s batch is prime for excavatin’ now!

Well, all this scribing’s making me a mite dizzy. I’s gonna go grab my shovel and eat til Easter! As my Mee-Maw used to say, “Bone a Teat!”

Honeybucket’s Guide To Fancy Feastin’

By Billy Hughes

BEMIS MUSIC ROOM — Students in the Indonesian Gamelan Ensemble arrived in Bemis Music Room on Fri-day to find that their remaining gong had been stolen.

The group’s first gong became well-known on campus after it was taken during a midnight raid on Peirce Hall last October. Campus Safety and the music department con-ducted a rigorous investigation via sporadic e-mails, but they were ulti-mately unsuccessful.

“Last time around we tried to guilt the gong out of the burglar, but this time we’re going all out,” reported James Herseth, a member of Campus Safety. “I can tell you, whoever they are, they’re using some pretty sophis-ticated gong-acquisition technology.”

According to Herseth, the thief had no trouble entering the building.

“We found a slew of unused equip-ment on the floor,” Herseth elabo-rated, “ropes, harnesses, night-vision goggles, and a glass cutter. Of course, since this was a typical Kenyon build-ing, it turns out the thief was able to simply walk into the room through the open door, open the unlocked

cabinet, and abscond with the gong.”Security also confirmed that a note

was taped to the empty cabinet in scrawled handwriting, reading, “ME : Two Gongs. YOU: None.”

“What kind of soulless creature would do something like this to us, not once but twice?” commented Professor of Music Jack Spray. “I don’t understand how this could have happened again. We tried everything short of consistently locking the door after they took the last gong.”

Spray also received a cryptic letter from the assailant, taunting, “Never again will you hear the glorious ring of the gong. I am one step closer to controlling all the gongs in Knox County. I laugh at you and your at-tempts to foil me.”

“Everyone is on high alert right now,” said Herseth. “We’d talked about hanging one of those ‘do not enter’ ropes over the stairwell in Peirce last time this happened, and I think we’re going to have to go ahead and do that now. I can’t believe this is what it’s come to.”

Herseth added that he had typed up an e-mail asking the thief to turn him or herself in, but he had yet to send it.

By Dash Riprock

PEIRCE HALL — AVI’s recent ad-dition of Greek-strain yogurt to the fruit bar menu has been met with unparalleled enthusiasm by a signif-icant portion of the student body. “I can’t even believe it,” said Joanna Grouse ’13. “I mean, I was perfect-ly content with the regular yogurt. To think! What a child I was! I’d sooner cut off my left thumb than eat that scurf now!”

AVI staffers have noted a distinct trend amongst students eating the dish. “It’s pretty much all ladies,” reported employee Ray Huts. “My theory is it’s some kinda vitamin deficiency thing. Like it’s good for their ovaries. Or glands. Usually it’s

the glands.”Emotions around the yogurt area

have been known to run high. “I’ve never seen girls so crazy for any one food,” said Huts. “It’s like magic. Someone’s gotta harness this pow-er. If the science department doesn’t get on this, you can bet I’m gonna.”

Female students have been re-ported to stampede, shove, even riot when yogurt levels have gotten low.

“I know it sounds crazy, but I think this yogurt actually makes me a better person,” said Grouse. “I’m smarter, prettier, and don’t even get me started on my digestive activity! It’s out of this world!”

When asked to comment on the phenomenon, the entire male stu-dent body replied with confusion.

Gong Thief Strikes Again Greek Yogurt Offered In PeirceGirls Eat Lots Of Greek Yogurt

By Ichabod Townley

OLIN LIBRARY — Today at 1:00 p.m., Arnold Climpt ’13 reported that he was prepared to “bust ass” to complete his “metric shit-ton of work.”

Climpt proceeded to the third floor of the library, seeking out his favorite study spot. The spot in question, according to Climpt, is one of Olin’s best-kept secrets.

“Amid the hellish, oppressively beige labyrinth that is Olin Library,” Climpt said, “there is a hidden grot-to, a promised land of milk, honey and multiple electrical outlets.”

Climpt refused to disclose the location of his “secret garden,” but described its two overstuffed arm-chairs, which can be pulled together to form a sort of personal enclosed chaise lounge. “Studying there re-minds me of my days in the womb,” said Climpt. “So tranquil.”

However, Climpt’s dreams of studying in sublime comfort were shattered as he approached the cov-eted corner and discovered that an unknown student had abandoned a backpack, several notebooks and a laptop in his favorite spot.

“I was beyond outraged,” said Climpt, shaking with impotent fury.

“To think that someone had discov-ered the greatest study spot in the history of learning, and then had the nerve to leave their crap there? To deny another human soul its scratchy embrace? I was ready to take a shit on that laptop right then and there.”

Climpt sat down at a nearby table to observe the spot and wait for an opportunity to reclaim it.

The mysterious occupant, later identified as Charlotte Grope ’12, appeared at 2:32 p.m. “She sat down with a cup of Peirce coffee, turned on her computer, checked Facebook for fifteen minutes, got up, left, and didn’t take her shit with her!” Climpt reported. “I was in agony! But I’m not giving up. The encounter has only strength-ened my resolve. I have seen the face of the enemy, and it wears glasses.”

Grope recently returned to the spot to take a nap and could not be woken up to comment.

‘That’s My Fucking Spot!’ Claims Irate Sophomore

“Studying there re-minds me of my days in the womb.”

By Gunderson Threeply ROSSE HALL — Last Wednesday, much of the student body crowded into Rosse Hall with the expressed intent of seeing Jonathan Franzen speak about his fiction-writing ex-periences. However, one student, with blatant disregard for all the posters around campus announcing “An Evening With Jonathan Fran-zen,” came to Rosse for a decidedly different reason: to see nerd-rock icon Ben Folds.

An excited Nanette Bergman ’14 told Collegiate reporters last week that she was “super stoked that Ben Folds was coming to campus.” She said, “I just don’t understand why he’s coming to town under an as-sumed name, though — it was on the posters, like James Franco or something. Whatever. I just hope he plays ‘Rockin’ the Suburbs’! ”

Chelsea Hughes ’14, her room-mate, was one of the many people who attempted to explain to Berg-man that Folds and Franzen were not, in fact, the same person. “I left a copy of The Corrections on her bed for literally, like, a week,”

Hughes explained. “I pretty much did nothing but gush about how awesome Jonathan Franzen was for days on end, just to see if she’d make any sort of connection.”

Lee Reynolds ’12 sat next to Bergman at the event, and said,

“She just wouldn’t shut up about how much she loved Ben Folds. I finally asked her why she thought it was so goddamn important that I know this fact over and over again, and she looked at me like I’d started chanting Cantonese and spitting Reichsmarks.”

Bergman corroborated the story, stating, “this totally clueless guy asks me why I’m talking about Ben Folds so much, and I’m like ‘Hel-lo, that’s who we’re here to see?’ and then he’s all, ‘No, we’re here to see

Jonston Frazetta or whatever,’ and I’m like ‘could you be any more clueless?’ I mean, seriously!”

As the night wore on, Bergman’s excitement waned. “So Ben Folds gets up to the podium, and he just starts talking. And I figured that maybe this was just an introduction, like he’s going to talk about why he wrote ‘Brick’ or covered ‘Bitches Ain’t Shit,’ but he doesn’t. He just talks. For like an hour. About books. It was so boring!”

During the Q&A session, Berg-man reportedly asked Franzen why he decided to do a non-musical tour, and during the signing she demand-ed that he sign her copy of Songs for Silverman. Franzen attempted to explain that he didn’t know what she was talking about, but Bergman stormed off the stage before any ex-planation could be given.

“Overall, it was probably the worst concert I’ve been to in a long time,” Bergman said after the event. “But I should have known: those performing types are always jerks, walking around with their heads up their asses without any regard for their fans.”

By Charles Mosser

This past weekend, Brave Potato Pro-ductions presented an exciting and entertaining evening of one-act plays in the Black Box Theater. The five plays were funny and maybe a little sad in some parts. The performances were delightful and I am sure a few people played their roles especially well, bringing real depth to their char-acters. At one point, an actor probably did something that made the whole audience laugh. In a particularly ex-citing moment, an actor paused for emphasis, forcing the audience to re-ally pay attention, a phenomenon that

usually occurs at least once during a play. I bet the directors made some interesting choices, and despite some inevitable flaws, I am fairly certain the show was a success.

Unfortunately, I was unable to at-tend the Brave Potato One-Act Fes-tival on either of the evenings it was presented — on Friday, I got caught up in a pretty heated Foosball game, and Saturday I was baking snicker-doodles in the Mather kitchen. Nev-ertheless, it is my duty as a journalist to provide the public with a critique of this show, so I will offer you my impressions anyway.

According to Wikipedia, “A one-

act play is a play that has only one act, as distinct from plays that occur over several acts.” In a play, actors pretending to be people that they are not (“characters”) and say words (“lines”) to one another in front of an audience. These “lines” are writ-

collegiate@kenyon.edu 3

Brave Potato One-Acts Probably A Smashing Success

Continued on page 4.

Entertainment

By Diesel Jackson In recognizing the heritage of our craft, The Collegiate continues its re-view of the historical pieces, perfor-mances, and particular je ne sais quoi that have left their mark on the canon of world comedy. In this installment of our ongoing series, we reflect back on the postmodern genius offered by the posters for Kenyon’s stand-up comedy group Two Drink Minimum.

A popular debate in the world of comedy is a classic chicken-and-egg feud involving TDM and postmod-ern comedy. Which came first? In our opinion, it doesn’t quite matter. To say that TDM has left its mark on contemporary comedy is to say that Moby Dick annoyed Ahab. Indeed, the largely obscure stand-up comedy troupe has been pushing the limits of comedy ever since its conception, and the posters pinned up across Ken-yon’s campus advertising their shows were their first way of reaching out.

As comedy continues to become more irony and “meta”-centered, TDM’s posters can always be found at the front lines. An elephant blow-ing water onto a woman. A yellow-fin tuna. Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Three lamps of varying colors,

shapes, and sizes (one unlit). A smil-ing African baby. Seemingly unre-lated and, indeed, un-funny pictures take root in your brain and, like a si-lent and slow-moving cancer, emerge later to infect your body with humor. That the pictures make no sense seems to strike you always at your most vulnerable, leaving you speech-less, though not un-convulsing with laughter.

“Literally, absurd,” says Robin Williams of the posters. “A picture of a math exam with a circled F at the top. Put me on a stage and I can work with that for days!”

“Inspired,” added Jackie Chan — high praise considering that crit-ics largely agree that TDM’s posters have now passed Shanghai Noon on the list for the world’s funniest com-edy pieces.

Chris Rock was not available for comment at press time; however, sources report that when Rock passed a TDM poster taped to the front door of a Brooklyn Starbucks he stopped, nodded, and firmly grabbed his crotch before moving on.

Despite Setbacks, Two Drink Minimum Posters A Success

An honest mistake.

Student Doesn’t Understand Why Ben Folds Won’t Stop Talking About Books

An actor probably did something that made the whole audience laugh.

“Put me on stage and I can work with that for days!”

“Whatever. I just hope he plays ‘Rock-in’ the Suburbs’ ”!

plumbing, and ventilation. “It wasn’t too bad,” said Bucknel.

“I mean, the hard part is really not in the building of the house itself. I’m just glad we pushed enough shit around, or else we’d be in some se-rious trouble. I can install central heating with my eyes closed, but you try flattening down a mid-to-large pile of shit with just a backhoe thirty times in the same day. That’s the tough stuff.”

In the next six months even more North Campus Apartments will go up, and more shit will be pushed around than ever before, according to Vincent Malone. “For this job, we had lots of high-tech equipment, but we also still had a lot of guys on man-ual shit duty: digging holes to make more shit, filling in old shit holes with new shit. It’s an intensive, laborious process, and it really limited our abil-ity to move shit around.”

Despite the difficulties of his task, Malone expressed great excite-ment over the prospect of the con-struction to come in future months. “Shit-pushing technology is really entering its golden age right now,” he explained. “In a few months, we’ll have shit-pushing bulldozers that can push a pile of shit the size of an RV

for a mile and a half. It’ll really be a blessing to be living in a time when we have the opportunity to move that kind of shit around.”

By Pumpy Calico

GAMBIER — Sources indicate that many students fear that the competi-tive application process to live in the new apartments on the north side of campus, known as the “North Cam-pus Apartments,” will create an even further divide between north and south campus.

According to Geoff Rist ’12, the process “works to break down the sacred bonds of human broth-erhood. North and south, east and west, we’re all people, man. One love.”

Aiden Tuft ’12 however, dis-agrees. “I think I’m going to love living in the NCAs,” he said. “I’ll fi-nally be among students of my kind. And it’s still close enough to the rollicking downtown area without being too close to those unsightly south campus dorms with their rap music and such.”

Liza Swift ’12, who will be liv-ing in the “model apartment,” sees her preferential situation as a result of hard work. “I busted my ass for these grades, and I don’t deserve to be forced into the housing lottery with those bros from south cam-pus and their judiciary infractions,” Swift said. “Why don’t they just try

harder? Why don’t they just get a job?”

Several CAs have also expressed a strong preference for north cam-pus housing. Gina French ’12 de-scribed south campus as seeming “violent and kind of dangerous. I’ve heard that on weekends south campusers run through the halls and tear down wall decorations. I would never want to be a south CA. It’s not that I don’t want to help them. I just fear for my safety.”

The Office of Housing and Resi-dential Life has recently pioneered a new program called CA for Amer-ica, which places north campus CAs in south campus dorms for a month-long period. Trent Yarbough ’13, one of the program’s participants,

said, “The program was really en-lightening. It opened my eyes to how the other half of campus lives. Did you know that on the south quad there is such a lack of order that CAs can’t even enforce Quiet Hours? It just shocks you into real-izing how much you take for grant-ed.”

Housing and Residential Life is also considering a busing program which will bring students from the south quad north in golf carts to ex-perience cultural activities such as drawing classes in Colburn. “These kids need us,” said Haley Durbin, Head of Housing and Residential Life. “You don’t know how bad it can get down there. Just wait until Sendoff.”

Collegiate@kenyon.edu 4

CollegIaTe sTaff

Chad Kroeger . . . . . Sheridan WhitesideTony Scalzo . . . . . . . . Diesel JacksonBilly Corgan . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000Scott Stapp . . . . . . . . Charlie AdamsChad Urmston . . . . . . . . . Ed StrictlyAdam Levine . . . . . . . Granny HayesPatrick Monahan . . . Esteban SinclaireDaniel Powter . . . . . Dingo RockefellerMarc Roberge . . . . . . . . . Jean ShortzSteve Harwell . . Beauregard BeauregardDanny Carey . . . . . . . . Clams CasinoBrandon Boyd . . . . . Roy McKluskin’Dan Wilson . . . . . . . Helga G. PatakiFred Durst . . . Ruth “Thundercat” Bubis Jacoby Shaddix . . . Gunderson ThreeplyBradley Nowell . . . . . . . . Boat ThorpeChristopher Robinson . . . Elgin MarblesAdam Duritz . . . . Barker D. FluglehornBrad Arnold . . . . . Ming Shei HuarezAaron Lewis . . . . . . . Pumpy CalicoSonny Sandoval . . . . . . Billy HughesAmy Lee . . . . . . . . . Dash RiprockAdam Duritz . . . . Ichabod Townley

Consultant . . . . . . . . Carson Daly

Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO

Privileged Students Flee To North Campus SuburbsFrom ‘One-Acts,’ page 3.

ten by a playwright, according to my roommate, who took baby drama with bona-fide playwright Wendy MacLeod freshman year. A direc-tor, another important component of the theatrical milieu, tells the actors where to stand and how to say the lines. Plays are like movies, but they are acted out live in front of you, and your friends are the actors instead of celebrities. As a result, plays are usu-ally more boring than movies. On Saturday, I watched The Departed again, which is a very good film I hadn’t seen in a long time. I forgot how good it is.

Since there are no movie ver-sions of these one-acts (I checked Kenster and Netflix), I will have to use my imagination. I am look-ing at the advertising poster for this show (the one that was in all the Newscopes last week) and be-cause it has pictures, I feel like I can get a pretty good idea of what each play was about. “Saint Fran-cis Preaches to the Birds” appears to be a comedy, because it features someone in make-up and a frilly collar and a pointy fake nose, but the person looks kind of worried, so maybe it was a serious drama. “The Actor’s Nightmare” was prob-ably about another worried guy, which I guess makes sense, because it has the word “nightmare” in the title. “Light” featured a concerned-looking girl who I think I’ve seen in Peirce before. In the picture, she seems to be thinking about some-thing. You can tell she is a good actor by the way she has her hands clasped and her eyes a little squinty.

In my opinion, “East Coast Ode to Howard Jarvis” was the most confusing of all the plays presented. I do not know who Howard Jarvis is, but that may not even be rele-vant, because the play was actually about a girl. At least, I think it’s a girl in the picture, but she has short hair, so maybe she is supposed to be a man. Plays sometimes make girls play boys, except in Shakespeare’s time, when guys played the women too. Weird. Anyway, the girl/guy has her mouth open and is leaning on a table, so she/he is most likely arguing. Finally, “Pete and Joe at the Dew Drop Inn” was a very relat-able play, because it featured a pun, beer, and gazing up wonderingly into the heavens, three things that Kenyon students enjoy.

Overall, I bet the Brave Potato One-Acts were kind of like all Ken-yon productions: well attended by the friends of those in the cast, and way more entertaining if you’re drunk or high. The Departed is excellent no matter what.

From ‘Workers,’ page 1.From ‘Sendoff,’ page 1.

fact, most of the food on campus is directed towards their gaping, milk-dripping mouths.”

At other universities, such impor-tant decisions are made by rational members of the student body rather than a group of babies. However, Kenyon takes pride in having the na-tion’s only all-baby event-planning organization.

“I was expecting something origi-nal and fresh, like Nickelback or Creed, but this totally exceeded my expectations,” said Julie Nyswick ’13. “They’ve really outdone them-selves.”

The baby representative’s only fur-ther response was to burp loudly and grab wads of cash from the Office of the Registrar, stuffing them into his cherubic cheeks and gnawing them with his toothless gums.

Last week, we reported that the read-ing was chapter six. In fact, the read-ing was chapters seven through nine. We are sooo sorry, you guys. We were having a weird week.

Retractions

Affluent Kenyon students in flight.