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u l Y , Happy Fourth!

LIFE LOOKS BETTER WHEN YOU DO: DESIGNER SURGERY AND THE RIGHT TO I,OOK GOOD

Would you rather be ugly in a democracy or beautiful in a dictatorship?Don t t p re tend to th ink abou t i t . . . t he answer rs wr i t t en a l l ove r you r f ace .Thatrs why werre ce lebrat ing Ju ly 4th in the most pat r io t ic way - by g iv ingLady Liberty a fulI-bodied grine-l ipectomy. Take off a few pounds of deadweight and add some cosmetic touch-ups and suddenly o1d LL isnrt as oLd asshe used to be! But forget about the 7-4-86 unveil ing - the only cosmeticrevelation that the people really want to know about is whatrs goJ-ng onunder Mj-chael Jacksonrs surg ica l mask. The s imul taneous debut of Michael rsnew face and album wil l be as important and as patriot ic as anystatue-cleanup because MJrs unveil ing demonstrates that even a poor youngblack man from Gary, Indiana can enjoy the greatest freedom of al l - TheRight to Look Good!

The Right to Look Good was not buil t into the Bil l of Rights but thenagain they d idnr t know about nose- jobs and eye- l i f ts back then. The Rightto Look Good is one of our new rrtrade-inrf r ights - given to us by themult inational cartels while some of the o1d rights were slowly taken away.

Continued on page 6

FROM th6 Ed.itorSuppor ters of the r rVote by Phone in 198811coal - i t ion say lobbying ef for ts are beingstonewal led by congress ional leaders supposedlybacked by e lect ronic mai l serv ices. Despi tesurvey evidence which proves that voting would t-increlse by 572, opponents of 9OO-nurnber voting maintain that the massivephone use would create a national security problem.ind Speaking of the 1988 Prexy Pick - AP and Gal1up surveys verif ied anIacco-ca v. Ueberroth batt le for the Top Spot. That was no surprise toreaders of the A&R Report who remember our January predict ion that the nextman in the Oval Of f ice would have a last name star t ing wi th a vowel . (seei sh 44 , r rHo ! ' r Many Po l l s does i t t ake to Pu t i n A P res iden t?u )Whatrs The Average aen Reader Like? She or he is an upbeat individualcoping in a downbeat wor ld - a doer , not a sayer - who reads 2.3 magazines aweei< ind recently rewrote a resume. She or he takes it as i t comesi isinterested in safe sex; and wants an A&R t-shirt. To those who took thetime to answer our 1986 Survey - Thanks (and donrt forget to check outpp . 3 -4 th i s i sh fo r more o f Lhe resu l t s ) . And fo r t hose o f you d idn ' trespona, We know who you are and werre sure you had a good reason.

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"Nudg" ls BacltFrom the same PeoPIewfto Urought You kidson milk cartonsherers the adul tvers ion for Dad'Yeahr Pass me abrew, PaI . Sure, Youcan scratch, butp l e a s e d o n r t s n i f f 'i t last - the maleexperienceen-caPsulated in one

easy to oPenconta iner . Nounmanageablefo ld-outs , no v ideosto rewind. Justscratch, chug andIeave the rest inthe hands of onan'Coming soon - kamasutra diagrams onyour weedwacker!(surgery cont inued f rom Page 1)

(see ish 22 r rThe Const i tu t ional F lea Market : Trading in OId Rights for Thellew privacytt) . this swapping of human rights for consumptive r ights wastr iggerea by ' the nat ional - s t indard izat ion of beauty establ ished ear ly intn i i -century by the onslaught of mass communicat ions. Wi th the nat ional andinternat ion l t a is t r iUut ion-of rnagazines, movies and te lev is ion t ransrn iss ion,we are constantly reminded that is a people - whether black or white; r ichor poor; male or female - we must f ight for the r ight to be as beautiful asour cu l tura l icons.With a lobbying effort init ial ly fueled by the under-regulated over-marketedcosmetic cartels, w€ have been persuaded during the past 50 years to usecancerous dyes, caustic hair removers and other chemical slop in order tofo11ow the ldvert ising maxim that our noblest goal on this planet is tocorrect nature I s rrmistakesrr .But in the last 15 years, three forces have tr iggered the fuII bloomedapprec iat ion of our newest Const i tu t ional r ight . The f i rs t in th is t r i - -par tre juvenat ion was the mid. -sevent ies des igner-denimizat ion of the USA. The*.3=-*arket ing of th is popul is t fashion s ty le a l lowed the text i le industryto cross the bridge between designer duds and knockoffs.But what good is wearing the same jeans as Brooke Shields i f your assdoesn't rnitch? Welcome to the world of breast augmentation and sucti-onIipectony! Breakthroughs in cl inical cosmetic cutlery have created a neweri in nlaical merchandising and the LgTg bulld.ozing of federal advert isingregulat ions has a l l but sanct ioned these fu tur is t ic scalpel dens. Now,Suiaay supplements and late-night commercials promote drive-in breastimplants and ear modi f icat ions.anh Uoy it came just, in t ine as aging b-boomers f inal ly cleared aII thatcoke oif *re rnirroi and saw the scarey reflection await ing them underneath.y ikes - Mama to ld me thererd be days l ike th is - But Mama never to ld me I rdend up looking l ike Marna. How about some hair color and a l i t t1ern inoplasty? Need a smal ler nose, Iarger breasts , or less body fa t - you

c.n g-et i t al l with 9 percent f inancing! Our fascination with currentcinema special effects has f inal ly turned inwards - we are the creatureswith the exploding bodies and faces - the reconstructed l iving dead. Butyou do look mahvelous do1l ing, and in a wor ld of d is in tegrat ingietationships ruled by sex organs and measured by physicalappearance that ts a f reedorn you wi l l never have to g ive up!