jose chung's doomsday defense

8/8/2019 Jose Chung's Doomsday Defense

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M I L L E N N I U M

"JOSE CHUNGS DOOMSDAY DEFENSE"

Ep. # 2.09 [MLM-209 (5C09)]

Written by Darin Morgan

Directed by Darin Morgan

Edited by James Coblentz

[ Second Season ] [Complete Transcript]

U.S. Air Date: November 21, 1997

================================================================

=====

TEASER:

The Teaser is narrated by JOSE CHUNG, and illustrated with

a series of still photographs.

1st Photograph: An Indian couple holding an infant child.

With a beard.

JOSE (V.O.)

Once upon a time, two East Indian

immigrants gave birth to a baby boy,

whom they loved very dearly. Yet,

nevertheless, named "Juggernaut OnanGoopta". Other than the name, and,

uh, the beard, he was a normal boy,

who suffered all the usual

humiliations of a normal childhood.

2nd Photograph: Goopta's high school yearbook. With a

beard. While the other students have captions and witty

remarks under their photos, his is blank underneath except

for "Goopy".

JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)Upon graduating high school, he went

off to college with a dream of someday

becoming a famous neuroscientist. His

goal was to be the first to comprehend

how the biology of the brain gives

birth to the greatest mystery of life:

self-consciousness.


2/47

3rd Photograph: Goopta (wearing a surgical mask to hide the

beard) holding a model brain in class.

JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Unfortunately, his own brain could not

comprehend basic biology. He quickly

switched majors to philosophy; but

alas, while reading Kirkegaard's

"Sickness Unto Death", he became sick

and nearly died.

4th Photograph: Exterior of "Spotnitz Sanitarium"; then of

Goopta in a hospital bed with a typewriter on his lap.


During recovery -- though obviously

still suffering from dementia -- he

set forth on a new dream: to become awriter. And his first forays into

detective fiction proved so inept,

they were mistaken for brilliant

parodies; and finding immediate

publication in the highbrow literary

journal, "The Dark Mask."

5th Photograph: A ridiculously-drawn cover of said magazine;

then of Goopta among a group of men, one of whom is a young

Jose Chung.

JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)Alongside the work of a talented group

of young writers, one of whom would go

onto become the leading, literary

light of his generation, composing

profound stories in a style that made

Proust seem pallid.

6th Photograph: A middle-aged Jose Chung in retrospect.


(excitedly)

His loveable flamboyancy made him not

only a literary icon, but a cultural

one as well!

7th Photograph: Jose Chung posing with Neil Simon.


Why, he even made a cameo appearance


3/47

in an award-winning film at Cannes.

We see footage from the 1969 TV show, "H.R. Pufnstuf".

Jose is in a bizarre green mask (playing the character

Hoodoo). He hops on a round alien scooter/aircraft,

announcing maniacally: "Nobody ever comes out of there

alive! Ahahahaa!"


(chuckling)

But we're here to focus on Goopta.

After the demise of the magazine,

Goopta could not sell his work, and he

became destitute and suicidal.

8th Photograph: Goopta is working on a typewriter mounted on

the back of the toilet.


Out of pure desperation, he managed --

in a single, feverish night -- to

crank out a book that changed the

course of human history: "How to Be

Happy, Even When You Shouldn't." It

was quickly followed by the

bestsellers, "How to Manipulate People

by Your Apparent Friendliness", and

"How to Overcome Your Fears by Making

Others Fear You".

9th Photograph: Covers of the aforementioned self-help

books. Then a final one entitled "Selfosophy" that is

modeled after "Dianetics" by L. Ron Hubbard.


And upon the release of his

masterpiece, Goopta hit the lecture

hall circuit, always preaching to

standing room only, for he shrewdly

refrained from providing chairs.

10th Photograph: Goopta at a podium, followed by a series of

stills of Goopta gesticulating wildly.

GOOPTA (V.O.)

(Indian-accented English)

Every painful moment of your life,

casts a shadow across your mirror

biology. Until you exterminate these


4/47

dark memories, you will remain in a

negative groove. Thus, those who

cannot forget their past, are

condemned to repeat it."

11th Photograph: The same sanitarium, except with a sign

that says "Institute of Selfosophy"; then of students in

white lab coats wearing strange devices on their heads.

JOSE (V.O.)

Goopta then opened an institute to

help teach people how to become more

self-helpful. Patients -- who were

called "doctors", since the

term "patient" was unhealthy

associations -- learned how to shed

the darkness of their minds by

mastering therapies taught by theinstitute's staff, which to inspire a

sense of spiritual, empirical,

transmigrational, is modeled after the

U.S. Postal Service. The institute

proved to so popular, Selfosophy

branched out, and institutes popped up

throughout the nation. Then Goopta

announced a new evolution to

Selfosophy:

12th Photograph: Goopta in a safari outfit behind a backdrop

of billowing clouds.

GOOPTA (V.O.)

After wiping away its mind of

darkness, the self must then wipe away

the eternal soul. And since our souls

have existed for thousands of years

before the advent of Selfosophy, we

all have a great deal of wiping to do.

JOSE (V.O.)

The tax-exempt belief system, also

involved its own theology. But

I can't tell you what it is -- it's a

secret. When learning the theologies,

Selfosophists must undergo a sworn

blood oath ritual, which is also a

secret.

13th Photograph: An aged drawing that depicts demons in a


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meeting.


So this artist's depiction is purely

speculative, and surely way over the

top; in fact, forget you even saw it.

14th Photograph: A newspaper with the headline, "Selfosophy:

Religion or Rip-Off?"


In any case, all the secrecy and

profits drew criticism from some

quarters, but these critics were

quickly silenced.

15th Photograph: The same newspaper with the new headline,

"Selfosophy: An Uncoerced Retraction".


Either by libel suits, or what

Selfosophists call "Knock, Knock,

Zoom, Zoom" affirmations. There were

even some internal criticisms: if a

member continues his complaint, he is

deemed a "Ratfinkovich", and is

excommunicated from Selfosophy.

16th Photograph: An aging Goopta, with a backdrop of the

universe behind him.


In 1979, Onan Goopta molted his

earthly encumbrance to pursue his

Selfosophical research in another

dimension -- that means he died of

prostate cancer -- but the institution

he left behind has never been so

popular, as we head into the next

millennium. A happy, upbeat ending if

ever there was one. That is, it

was ...

INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT - DAY

JOSE CHUNG is seated at a table writing on a tablet,

interviewing a young man, JOSEPH P. RATFINKOVICH, who is

speaking animatedly. He has the earnest and hopelessly


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converted look of a religious nut.


... Until I reentered the story. And

it's about time! You see, while

conducting this research, I was

contacted by a recent Ratfinkovich,

who, in one of those coincidences

found only in real life and great

fiction, actually was named

Ratfinkovich: Joseph P. Ratfinkovich.

And he promised to reveal to me the

never-before, disclosed secret behind

Selfosophy ...

RATFINKOVICH

(pausing dramatically)

Goopta ... is God.

JOSE

That's it? To find out the ultimate

revelation of Selfosophy is that "It's

God!" -- a guy who invented the damned

thing -- is not really much of a

"Wow", is it?

RATFINKOVICH

Actually, the "Wow" can lead you to

near-spiritual happiness -- away from

despair, depression ...(with upturned nose)

And even flippancy.

JOSE

Please, I assure you that I regard

this subject with the utmost respect

and seriousness.

(solemnly)

You have my word as a writer.

We see Jose jot down, "Nutball".

RATFINKOVICH

(brightening)

That's why I chose you to confess to.

You see, besides Onan Goopta, of

course, you're my favorite writer.

JOSE


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(seemingly flattered)

Oh?

Jose adds a question mark to "Nutball?"

RATFINKOVICH

I have read everything youve everwritten, including, um, obviously,

your most recent short story.

(sheepishly)

Which is what got me into all this

trouble ...

JOSE

Tell me, obviously you still believe

in Selfosophy. Do you think it's fair

that you were excommunicated just for

reading a piece of forbidden fiction?

RATFINKOVICH

Selfosophy has the legal right to cut

me off from my beliefs, from my

friends ...

(faltering)

From everything.

JOSE

My first novel, which goes without

saying, was autobiographical. It was

about me and my closest friends, allwriters. The book came out to

universal praise; except by my

friends -- of all people. They

should've understood why I wrote about

us. They felt betrayed.

(sadly)

None of them ever talked to me again.

Well, I'm here to tell you that "So

Lonesome, You Could Die" is not a mere

phrase. I imagine you feel somewhat

like that right now.

The young man takes a deep breath, holds out his hands,

palms up, and smiles.

RATFINKOVICH

I have never been so happy in all of

my life.


8/47

We see that Ratfinkovich is crying, the fake smile still

plastered on his face. On the tablet, Jose adds an

exclamation mark so that it reads, "Nutball?!" Jose tries

to smile but ends up holding his head in despair.

ACT ONE:

INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT

Ratfinkovich's eyes are closed, his face still frozen in

the same stupid grin ... until a flash from a CRIME

PHOTOGRAPHER's camera tells us that the young man is dead.

DET. BOB GEIBELHOUSE is examining the body, while

DET. TWOHEY lounges in an easy chair reading a girlie

magazine, of which there is (no pun intended) a stack on

the table.

TWOHEY

Well, at least he died happy.

GEIBELHOUSE

Yeah, don't let the cadaver's spasm

fool you: electrocution ain't no

pleasure cruise.

TWOHEY

Maybe that's the connection with these

Playpen magazines.

(reading)"Mistress November's turn-ons: Guy

with a nice smile."

GEIBELHOUSE

Who'd buy so many copies of the same

issue of the same nudie mag?

(knowledgeably)

A pervert with a obsessive-compulsive

disorder, that's who. So imagine this

poor guy: he's down at the local

newsstand ...

BEGIN FLASHBACK.

EXT. LOCAL NEWSSTAND - DAY

In Geibelhouse's telling of the story, Ratfinkovich acts


9/47

out the detective's rendition, so we see him paying the

VENDOR for said stack of magazines.

GEIBELHOUSE (V.O.)

He's buying another dozen issues

'cause he can't help himself. And

who's there to witness this gross

display of indulgence?

REVEAL an attractive WOMYN (a.k.a. anti-porn, feminist

lesbian) pretending to read "New Age Woman Magazine",

staring laser-beams of hate/disgust at Ratfinkovich.

GEIBELHOUSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

An anti-porn, feminist lesbian. So

under false pretenses, she approaches

the guy ...

The APFL quickly puts away her magazine and approaches

Ratfinkovich, smiling seductively.


... Suggesting she give him a

"personal" layout.


The pair enter his apartment.


Once back here, she immediately gets

down to business.

The APFL turns on her heels and opens her raincoat,

revealing nothing but your basic black Victoria's Secret

catalog. Ratfinkovich brings up his hands and signals

timeout.

END FLASHBACK.

INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT (RESUME)

Twohey is signaling timeout to Geibelhouse, who is holding

open his trench coat, playing the role of the APFL.

TWOHEY


10/47

Timeout. I thought you said she was

an anti-porn, feminist lesbian.

GEIBELHOUSE

Yeah. She's one of those sexy, good-

looking kinds.

TWOHEY

Yikes.

GEIBELHOUSE

Exactly!

BEGIN FLASHBACK.


The APFL whips out a cattle prod and begins zapping

Ratfinkovich mercilessly, until he lands in the chair where

he dies.


And guess what she's got stashed under

her secrets? A cattle prod. She

starts zapping him; he starts

screaming "Stop! Stop!" But she

can't stop, she won't stop.

END FLASHBACK.


Geibelhouse is standing over the corpse, poking it with the

end of the rolled-up magazine as if it were the cattle

prod.

GEIBELHOUSE

She'll never stop 'til every pervert's

wiped off the face of the scum-sucking

planet!

TWOHEY

(admiringly)

What a woman.


11/47

FRANK (O.S.)

To know that profile reveals less

about the perp than it does about the

profiler ... That's what scares me.

FRANK BLACK enters and stares at the detectives gravely.

GEIBELHOUSE

Hey, Frank, I probably shouldn't have

called ya, but I got a hunch there's

something about this case that's

millenniumistic.

FRANK

This was done by someone the victim

was familiar with. He'll end up being

very similar to the victim in many

ways -- age, education, income.

FLASH of Ratfinkovich screaming.

FRANK (CONT'D)

This was a torture session; something

to gain information. Maybe a shady

business deal.

JOSE (O.S.)

(like a game show buzzer)

Ehh!

REVEAL Jose, his arm propped nonchalantly on a bookshelf.

JOSE (CONT'D)

Anyone else care to try "Crime Scene

Scenarios" for $500? Instead of

taking pictures of the victim's body,

you should photograph his bookshelves.

A person's desk says nothing about

their life, but the books say it all.

GEIBELHOUSE

(proving his point)

Oh, yeah? Not mine: I don't got no

books.

JOSE

Exactly.

GEIBELHOUSE


12/47

Don't disturb the crime scene.

Jose picks up a book. The cover reads: "Dance on the

Blood-Dimmed Tide by Onan Goopta".

JOSE

Rocket McGrane: a roving, forensic,

freelancing profiler. Wholly absurd

nonsense, written by the same man who

created Selfosophy.

GEIBELHOUSE

Yeah, I don't care who's on the book.

Who the hell are you?

FRANK

Jose Chung.

(to Jose)Back in high school, I read your book,

"A Lapful of Severed Tongues" about

ten times.

JOSE

(smiling)

Oh.

(then, bending close to Frank)

That's the worst book I ever wrote.

Frank Black rebuffed is not a sight we're accustomed to.

He gestures to the body.

FRANK

(moving on gracefully)

What is your involvement with the, uh,

victim?

Jose demeanor shifts. Head bowed, he answers shakily:

JOSE

I am responsible for his death.

I have been in town doing research for

my new book, which examines newly-

arising belief systems: the end of the

millennium.

GEIBELHOUSE

(to Frank)

What'd I tell ya?


13/47

JOSE

Playpen is running a segment, page

162. A short story that has offended

Selfosophists.

TWOHEY

(flipping through the magazine)

So that's what they put in these back

pages?

JOSE

Unable to halt distribution, they sent

out members to buy all the available

copies, so that the blasphemous story

could not be read by unsuspecting

masturbators.

FRANKHe didn't just buy the magazines, he

read the story. And he liked it.

Confession led to his excommunication.

He got in touch with you to talk about

Selfosophy's hierarchy.

JOSE

(impressed)

How in the world did you deduce all of

that?

FRANKI'm a roving, freelance, forensic

profiler.

JOSE

Oh ...

GEIBELHOUSE

I still ain't heard how this guy got

fried.

JOSE

After I left -- after arranging a

meeting for tonight -- I imagine that

Mr. Ratfinkovich received another

visitor ...

BEGIN FLASHBACK.


14/47


Ratfinkovich sits at his table and addresses someone who we

do not see yet.

RATFINKOVICH

Boy, am I glad to see you. I haven't

talked to anybody since they kicked me

out!

REVEAL ROLAND SMOOTH, a fellow Selfosophist, opens his

briefcase and brings out a strange device that resembles a

demented cassette player. Ratfinkovich looks at it

nervously.

RATFINKOVICH (CONT'D)

Don't you think it would be better ifwe talked on a more personal level?

END FLASHBACK.


GEIBELHOUSE

What does he pull out of the case?

JOSEAn Onan-o-Graph.

FRANK

Selfosophists claimed it's a self-

therapeutic device used to modify

emotional states. Basically, it's a

cassette player used to register the

user's emotional response to questions

asked on tape.

GEIBELHOUSE

That's a lie detector.

JOSE

With a cassette player!

BEGIN FLASHBACK.


15/47


We see the name of the cassette in the Onan-o-Graph: "How

to Repent and Move On". Ratfinkovich is wearing a headset

that also covers his eyes -- it is the same device that the

Selfosophists in the Teaser were wearing. Smooth watches

closely. We HEAR the ANNOUNCER's voice (who projects

authoritarianism, yet could sell lite beer) play on tape.

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE

Do you harbor any bitterness towards

Selfosophy?

RATFINKOVICH

No. I understand why they had to --

The machine BEEPS and repeats the last question.

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE

Do you harbor any bitterness towards

Selfosophy?

RATFINKOVICH

Yes. But only because --

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE

Take a moment to reflect on your

current state: Are you feeling

anxious? Confused? Nervous?

RATFINKOVICH

Very much so.

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE

So, obviously, this bitterness is not

making you feel any better. Now,

wouldn't it seem wiser not to feel

bitter?

RATFINKOVICH

(thinking)

Well ... yes! Yes, I guess it does.

Smooth nods approvingly.

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE

Have you shared this misguided

bitterness with any non-Selfosophists?


16/47

RATFINKOVICH

(quickly)

No, that's against the rules!

The machine BEEPS and repeats the question.

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE

Have you shared this bitterness with

any non-Selfosophists?

RATFINKOVICH

(suddenly)

Yes!

Smooth's smile disappears, anger washing over his features.

ANNOUNCER'S VOICEWas this non-Selfosophist a member of

the media?

Ratfinkovich lifts up the headset and sees Smooth's

expression.

RATFINKOVICH

Roland, you look like you're thinking

negative thoughts. Please don't be

dark.

ANNOUNCER'S VOICEWas this non-Selfosophist a member --

RATFINKOVICH

(breaking down)

It was Chung! It was Jose Chung! It --

Suddenly, the headset SHORT CIRCUITS, sending deadly shocks

into Ratfinkovich's head. Smooth immediately unplugs the

device, but it's too late. He studies the dead man for a

moment; then holds out his hands, palms up and smiles.

END FLASHBACK.


GEIBELHOUSE

Why does he do that thing with his


17/47

hands?

JOSE

Whenever he thinks a negative thought,

the gestures reminds Selfosophists to

think the complete opposite thought.

GEIBELHOUSE

So then what'd he do?

BEGIN FLASHBACK.


Smooth removes the Onan-o-Graph and shrugs in a kind of

"Oh, well!". Tucking the briefcase under his arm, Smoothgives the dead man a pat on the back and leaves.

END FLASHBACK.


FRANK

I'm sorry, but I seriously doubt that

this device would malfunction in this

way.

JOSE

I know they can't; I was merely being

fanciful.

GEIBELHOUSE

"Fanciful"? You mean you don't have

any proof as to what actually happened

here?

JOSE

Proof? I was making it up as I went

along.

Frank and Geibelhouse share annoyed looks.

GEIBELHOUSE

Frank, don't the Selfosophists got a

headquarters downtown?


18/47

FRANK

Yeah, you mind if I come along with you?

JOSE

Gents, be careful: these Selfosophists

can be very evasive. And persuasive.

GEIBELHOUSE

Yeah, well, we know how to question

someone to get what we want out of

them.

JOSE

So do they.

We end the scene on the dead man's grinning face and cut

to:

INT. SELFOSOPHIST'S HEADQUARTERS

A similarly grinning face -- very much alive but just as

annoying. This is ROBBINSKI, a weird, Brylcreemed

Selfosophist, who speaks and chuckles in a nasal, rapid-

fire fashion without coming up for air. Outfitted in an

ill-fitting dress shirt and tie, he just screams "creepy".

ROBBINSKI

... Heh-heh, that is a very perceptivepoint, Detective, but our therapeutic

techniques are patented for that very

reason. If a disgruntled ex-member

tries to make them public, we would

simply sue that person to the fullest

extent, but in full accordance with

the law. Heh-heh, furthermore, just

because your suspect might

"coincidentally" be a Selfosophist,

I don't think it's fair to place

Selfosophy itself under suspicion. In

fact, if you continue to do so, we may

have to regard this harassment as a

form of discrimination, and sue to the

fullest extent, but in full accordance

with the law.

Robbinski stands and comes around the desk, revealing a

pair of Boy Scout-influenced shorts.


19/47

ROBBINSKI (CONT'D)

But I'm positive it won't come to

that, since by very definition, a

Selfosophist is incapable of murder.

Selfosophy teaches how to rid oneself

of thoughts concerning others and

focus on what is most important:

yourself.

He points to a movie poster, "Mr. Ne'er Do Well", whose

star looks amazingly like David Duchovny with a gun and

stupid grin.

ROBBINSKI (CONT'D)

For example, you're familiar with the

films of Bobby Wingood? Bobby used to

be an out-of-work actor -- high ondrugs, beating up paparazzi because

they wouldn't take his picture -- then

he found Selfosophy and learned how to

reject rage and anger, and focus on

more meaningful emotions.

Robbinski steps up to another movie poster of a suave

Wingood in the movie "Operation Box Office".

ROBBINSKI (CONT'D)

Now he's rich and famous and dating

high-price fashion models. In fact,many of Hollywood's elite are

Selfosophists, so I ask you: how could

a religious order with ties to

Hollywood be involved in anything

immoral? But don't worry, detectives:

I think I have something that will

prove useful to you.

Robbinski picks up a Selfosophy book and hands it to

Geibelhouse.

ROBBINSKI (CONT'D)

Detective, you obviously possess many

unique skills, but I sense that your

negativity is holding you back. Are

you aware how often you use

negatively-associated words?

GEIBELHOUSE


20/47

(proving a point again)

Uh, no, I don't neither.

ROBBINSKI

And Mr. Black, your profound solemnity

is a sure sign of a noble nature, but

people are reluctant to open up to

dark, gloomy brooders.

FRANK

(flatly)

They are?

Robbinski hands a copy to Frank as well.

ROBBINSKI

Gentlemen, I can tell you'd do almost

anything to find this killer of yours,but what are you willing to do to find

yourselves?

INT. FRANK'S HOUSE - NIGHT

On the bed is the Selfosophy book. Panning up, we see

Frank reading Playpen magazine. Horizontally. The page is

open to Jose Chung's article.

JOSE (V.O.)

Every unhappy person is unhappy intheir own way. Happy people are all

alike, especially Selfosophists, whose

positive-thinking therapies make every

day a beautiful day ...

INT. SMOOTH'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

Smooth is sound asleep ... until the alarm BLARES, and an

annoying rock-and-roll tune plays loudly. He wakes up, and

smiles cheerfully.

SMOOTH

Yes!

We cut to the bathroom, where he is brushing his teeth. He

smiles at his reflection.

SMOOTH (CONT'D)


21/47

This is the 27,466th time I've had to

brush my teeth, and I never get tired

of it!

EXT. CAR

Smooth is stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic and is still

predictably grinning like an idiot.

SMOOTH

Oh, boy! A traffic jam!

(beeping his horn cheerfully)

And road construction to boot!

EXT. NEWSSTAND

Smooth closes the newspaper he was reading, his expression

faltering for a moment.

SMOOTH

Darn.

(smiling again)

It's not whether my team won or lost,

it's how they played the game!

The vendor looks at him questioningly, probably thinking,

"Nutball." Smooth spots the article in the Playpen

magazine and reads it.

JOSE (V.O.)

Nevertheless, a positive-thinking,

goal-oriented entrepreneur like

Napoleon, had his Waterloo ...

SMOOTH

(reading)

"Every unhappy person is unhappy in

their own way. Happy people are all

alike, especially Selfosophists."

Again, he tries to buck himself up.

SMOOTH (CONT'D)

Sometimes it's good to laugh at

yourself. Keeps you humble.

Then, throwing Selfosophy to the wind, Smooth shreds the


22/47

magazine in his hands, and starts whaling on the stack of

Playpens. The vendor simply tallies up every magazine he

destroys.

INT. SMOOTH'S APARTMENT

We see the Onan-o-Graph playing a tape called "How to

Subdue Your Homicidal Rage". Smooth is pacing, seething

underneath the headset.

ANNOUNCER

Since you can't control others, isn't

it more productive to control your own

feelings toward them?

SMOOTH

Chung ridiculed everything I holdsacred! With Selfosophy so close to

respectability, the damage could --

The Onan-o-Graph BEEPS.

ANNOUNCER

Since you can't control others, isn't

it more productive to control your own

feelings?

SMOOTH

He makes fun of the Onan-o-graph!

ANNOUNCER

(loudly)

NEG --

(then calmly)

Negative feelings directed at others

is never constructive; instead of

giving out hatred, why not give a

gift? Even if it's unappreciated,

you'll feel better about yourself,

won't you?

Smooth takes off the headset; then picks up a clown doll.

SMOOTH

Yeah! I'll send this writer a gift,

just to show him we can take a

joke ... Even if that joke is a sad,

spiteful, stupid piece of sh --


23/47

Annnd we cut to:


The phone RINGS and Frank picks it up. We intercut between

Frank's home and Jose's hotel room.

FRANK

Yeah?

JOSE

Mr. Black? This is Jose Chung.

I hope you don't mind my calling you,

but Det. Geibelhouse gave me your

phone number.

FRANK

No, not at all. Just reading your

story.

JOSE

Oh!

FRANK

It's ... amusing. Although I'm not

sure I'm comfortable with the tone.

JOSEI'll take that as an unqualified rave!

(beat)

Mr. Black, the reason I'm calling you

is that I received something in the

mail that I think you will find of

some interest.

REVEAL a box containing the clown doll with every

conceivable deadly weapon known to man sticking out of it.

ACT TWO:

INT. JOSE CHUNG'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

The impaled clown doll sits on a table between Jose and

Frank.

JOSE


24/47

Yet another pretty example of art

imitating the very life it condemns.

FRANK

You don't seem very disturbed by this.

JOSE

A writer wants his work to affect

people. You'd prefer the effects not

be death threats, but beggars cannot

be choosers. Beside, the antagonists

in my story sends many such threats

before acting upon them.

FRANK

Just because this person has

copycatted one element doesn't mean

he's going to follow the whole story.

JOSE

Well, let's hope he doesn't follow the

ending.

(then off Frank's blank look)

You, uh, didn't read the whole story,

did you?

FRANK

Well ...

JOSEThe Selfosophist psycho finally

confronts the writer, killing him.

The police give chase, but because he

keeps a positive attitude: "I can get away,

if I think I can get away", he gets away.

FRANK

That's very downbeat.

JOSE

Life is downbeat, Monsieur Noir.

We HEAR Frank's beeper, and he stands to leave.

FRANK

I've got another case, Mr. Chung, so

all I can really advise is --

JOSE


25/47

You know, your work is utterly

fascinating to me. Do you think it's

possible that I could tag along? Just

as an observer, of course.

FRANK

Is the only reason you're interested

in me because I'm involved with --

JOSE

The Millennium Group? I've become

aware of your mysterious little

group ... but I have no plans to

include them in my millennium book.

(crossing his fingers)

You have my word as a writer.

INT. PROFESSOR RANDI'S OFFICE - NIGHT

PETER WATTS, Geibelhouse and the police are going through

the office of PROFESSOR AMOS RANDI. Said occupant is

slumped facedown on his desk, dead.

GEIBELHOUSE

(to Watts)

You know, you can learn a lot about a

person from the books on their

shelves. Campus security told me this

guy taught comparative religions. Itwasn't until I saw these Nostradamus

books until I realized this case was

millenniumistic.

Watts stops his examination and slowly turns to look at

Geibelhouse. Frank ENTERS.

WATTS

Frank. Thank God you're here.

Someone's killed Amos Randi, the

Nostradamus scholar.

FRANK

I've consulted with him a few times.

WATTS

So did the Group. The police are

thinking disgruntled student; we think

otherwise.


26/47

FRANK

He may have been a student, but this

is not about grades.

Frank examines the body and finds a slip of paper in the

shirt collar.

FRANK (CONT'D)

(reading)

"Blood rains upon the first ignorant

tyrant; second falls with voice in

holy woods; third anti-Christ

destroyed to serve man."

WATTS

Lines from Nostradamus?

FRANK

Phrases from different quatrains all

jumbled up. This is from a book

somewhere in this room. It looks like

he's targeting people who are

Nostradamus' three anti-Christs.

WATTS

The first ignorant tyrant probably

meant the professor.

Geibelhouse finds the book and hands it to Frank, whomatches the torn page.

GEIBELHOUSE

This it?

FRANK

The page fits: this must be the

attacker's book.

JOSE

Then the killer can't be a student.

FRANK

How do you know?

JOSE

(pointing at the book)

Dog-eared pages; highlighted passages;

margin notations. This book has


27/47

actually been read -- it can't be a

student.

WATTS

Uh, Frank, can I consult with you for

a -- ?

They move out of earshot and then aside to Frank:

WATTS (C0NT'D)

Who is that rather peculiar man?

FRANK

That's the writer, Jose Chung. He's

here researching a book about the

millennium.

WATTSThe Millennium Group's not interested

in publicity.

FRANK

No, no, it's not about us: in fact,

he's working on a case that could be

of great interest to the group. This

Selfosophist was found --

WATTS

(alarmed)

Whoa, Selfosophy? No, no ...

FRANK

What is going on, Peter? Weve neverbacked away from anything. Weve evenfaced evil incarnate.

WATTS

Evil incarnate can't sue. All I'm

saying is be careful about what you

say around your writer friend.

Inside the room, Jose is holding court to the officers.

JOSE

So, imagine the writer-girlfriend

going off to college: discovering all

these bright ideas and brilliant

professors. The blue-collar boyfriend

tries to read some of her books; you


28/47


29/47

observer here.

JOSE

That was before I realized how similar

our jobs are. You see, based on some

vague details and notions, you try to

sketch out a person's past, in order

to imagine their future actions.

Detection, dramaturgy: it's all the

same.

FRANK

You can't erase blood.

With that, Frank steps back inside; puts on a pair of

gloves and begins to examine the body.

JOSE"Don't be dark," say Selfosophists.

How can you not be, when your job is,

too.

INT. JOSE CHUNG'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Jose balls up a piece of paper and throws it aimlessly

away.

JOSE (V.O.)

The agony and humiliation of being ahuman is in every line I've ever

written. And it's written in every

line in the face of Frederick Blork.


Frank is studying the Ratfinkovich file.


God, I love his face. Not in that

way -- no one could love his face that

way -- it's hideous! Yes, beauty is

not always found in the beautiful;

just as sanity is not always found in

the insane.

FRANK (V.O.)

There is nothing to connect


30/47

Ratfinkovich's assailant with Chung's

threatener, and yet, such a frustrated

reaction to his story suggests someone

unaccustomed to insubordination. His

profession might be dictatorial in

nature, complete control over his

underlings -- a management executive

or a foreman ...

INT. COFFEEHOUSE - DAY

Smooth is typing excitedly on his laptop using a screenplay

program.

FRANK (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Or maybe, a writer.

SMOOTH (V.O.)

"Newton: Mr. Chong is writing. He is

not to be disturbed by anyone.

McGrane: Anybody? Why, Im not justAnybody. I'm McGrane! Rocket McGrane!

And he punches Newton

right in the balls, knocking him out!"

(then, to himself)

Boy, my writing's really improved

since I got this new software!

"Dissolve to: Int. Rico Chong's

Office - Night."

INT. JOSE'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

The entire floor is littered with balled-up wads of paper.

Jose looks utterly abject.

SMOOTH (V.O.)

In his palatial office, the cocky hack

cranks out fiction, cackling with

snotty glee.

JOSE (V.O.)

This book will be the death of me.

I just can't write anymore. What

possessed me to be a writer anyway?

(pours a shot of whiskey)

What kind of a life is this? What

else can I do now, with no other


31/47

skills or ability? My life has

fizzled away. Only two options left:

suicide or become ... a television

weatherman.

Suddenly inspired, he picks up his pen and starts writing.


Like television weathermen, giving

information by simply looking out the

window, forensic profilers provide

little, if anything, of practical value.

Mr. Blork, however, not only intuits

specific details, but to better

comprehend a particular pathology,

he's willing to submit himself to that

very madness ...

INT. FRANK'S HOUSE

Frank puts on the headset and starts the Onan-o-Graph. The

cassette reads: "How to Not be Dark."

ANNOUNCER

... And utilizing these copyrighted

techniques will help brighten the

darkness of your mind. Let's try an

easy visualization therapy. Are you

ready?

FRANK

Yeah.

The machine BEEPS pleasantly.

ANNOUNCER

Good. Picture in your mind something

you've seen recently that disturbed

you. It can be a stain on your

favorite shirt, or a scratch on your

new car. Just close your eyes and try

to picture an unpleasant image.

Frank has an massive onslaught of horrific FLASHES: demons,

victims -- slashed and bloody -- bloated corpses, screaming

maniacs, more demons, a man on fire, a body hanging from a

tree, demons, demons, and more demons.


32/47

ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)

Have you pictured an image? Good.

Now picture a deflated beach ball.

Still reeling from the images, Frank gingerly removes the

headset and wipes his face wearily.

ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)

Inflate this beach ball with the

disturbing image. Now, push this dark

beach ball away from you; just push

that ball and watch it float away from

you. That's it: keep pushing that

unpleasantness away --

Frank shoves the headset crashing to the floor, halting the

ingratiating voice. The phone RINGS.

FRANK

Frank Black.

GEIBELHOUSE

(on phone)

Hey, Frank, it's Geibelhouse. I don't

mean to be downbeat here, but we got

another dead body.

ACT THREE:

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

The marquee reads: "Orson Welles Festival, Tonite, 'The

Third Man' ". Inside the ticket booth is a DEAD GIRL.

Geibelhouse is relaying the report to Frank.

GEIBELHOUSE

The ushers say it was her ex-

boyfriend. They tried to stop him,

but he escaped down a sewer drain and

disappeared.

FRANK

Was she a student of Dr. Randi's?

GEIBELHOUSE

Yeah, but she was an English Lit

major. She was reading Jose Chung's

book.


33/47

Geibelhouse shows Frank a set of photo booth pictures of

the dead girl with her boyfriend, who looks like the late

Frank Zappa with a straight perm.

GEIBELHOUSE (CONT'D)

That's the guy there. Well, you see

that just goes to show: happiness is

not a given. You have to maintain

your upbeatness.

FRANK

Have you been reading Selfosophy books?

GEIBELHOUSE

(defensively)

It's investigative research. Don't be

so dark.

Geibelhouse yanks the book out of Frank's hands and walks

away. Watts approaches.

WATTS

Well, we positively ID's the guy; now

we just have to --

(off of Frank's distracted look)

What's the matter?

FRANK

This Selfosophy thing ...

WATTS

Frank, you have got to straighten your

priorities. We have still got to

track down this killer before he

attacks his third targeted anti-Christ

as your profile.

FRANK

No, it was Chung's profile that

predicted this murder.

WATTS

Are you suggesting that we recruit

Jose Chung in the Millennium Group?

INT. JOSE'S HOTEL ROOM


34/47

Jose is propounding yet another theory on Frank.

JOSE

I've come up with a new profile: my

secret admirer is a writer.

FRANK

That conforms with my profile. How'd

you come up with that?

JOSE

He sent me another gift today.

He holds up a book entitled "The Hacked-Up Hack" by Onan

Goopta, and hands it to Frank.

JOSE (CONT'D)

Now read the inscription.

FRANK

(reading)

"Here's what a real writer does:

enlightens while he entertains. Plus,

the murder victim is a famous author,

hint, hint."

JOSE

Only the writer would say that. A

writer needs everybody to read and

love his work, even people he wants tokill.

FRANK

This was written by Onan Goopta?

JOSE

Ghost-written. And ghost-bought by

Selfosophists. On a regular basis,

they go into stores and buy multiple

copies of Goopta's books so that they

land on the best-seller's lists. It's

so brilliant! You know, I've been

thinking about creating my own army of

surplus buyers.

(gesturing hypnotically)

Frank, come join me ...

FRANK

Mr. Chung, the continuation of this


35/47

threat against you --

JOSE

Maybe he'll be there tonight.

FRANK

Be where tonight?

JOSE

Oh, I'm doing a signing at Bartleby's

Books.

FRANK

Mr. Chung, you're already courting

disaster by staying here. Making a

public appearance will --

JOSEMonsieur Noir, unlike profiling,

writing is a very depressing and

lonely profession. Any chance I have

to meet my readers is one I must take!

It gives me the will to go on.

INT. BOOKSTORE - NIGHT

It is stone-cold empty. Jose is sitting dejectedly at a

table, surrounded by stacks of his books. Frank sits

nearby.

JOSE

This is how it will all end: not with

floods, earthquakes, falling comets or

gigantic crabs roaming the earth. No,

doomsday will start simply out of

indifference.

Frank nods sympathetically.

JOSE (CONT'D)

I'm sorry, I'm a little bitter because

NOBODY CAME FOR ME TO SIGN MY FREAKING BOOKS!

Jose gets up and starts wandering through the desolate

store. Frank follows.

FRANK

Do you mind my asking: you're writing


36/47

a book, yet you don't believe any of

the prophecies?

JOSE

At the start of the nineties, they

predicted major breakthroughs for the

neurosciences: the "Decade of the

Brain". Instead, it was the decade

of ... body-piercing. Now why should

the millennium predictions be more

accurate?

FRANK

The religious component. Do you not

believe in God either?

JOSE

Oh, there are times when I've been adevout believer. And there are some

times I have been a staunch atheist,

and there've been times when I've been

both ... during the same course of the

same sexual act.

FRANK

(smiling)

Don't be dark. Personally, I think

this is a very significant time in

mankind's history.

JOSE

But that's what every man throughout

history has said about his time.

(gesturing around him)

These books -- so much significance --

but will they still exist a thousand

years from now? One, maybe two

writers will still be read. Do you

know the two?

FRANK

Shakespeare and ... Chung?

JOSE

(chuckling appreciatively)

No, thank you ... Shakespeare and

Goopta.

FRANK


37/47

Goopta?

JOSE

Selfosophists have gone to great

lengths to safeguard the eternal

circulation of his writing. They may

not be read by the end of the next

millennium, but they still will most

certainly exist literally.

FRANK

How will they preserve them for that

long?

JOSE

If I told you, I would have to kill you.

(shaking his head)

Oh, I wish that was a joke.

Jose throws an arm over Frank's shoulder as they walk out

of the store.

FRANK

I'm sorry I haven't read your books.

JOSE

Oh, I'm sorry I had to cut you and

your group out of my new book.

FRANKYou weren't going to write about us

anyway, and you cut us out?

JOSE

I just felt you weren't ...

millenniumistic enough.

Smooth emerges from an aisle, just missing the two men.

Smiling, he spots the Selfosophy display and begins filling

his arms with dozens of books.

INT. FRANK'S BEDROOM

Frank is in bed reading "The Hacked-Up Hack".

FRANK (V.O.)

(reading)

There was the 37th murder by the same


38/47

serial killer, but no one knew who he

was or why he killed. One thing's for

sure: he had tons of unresolved

personal problems. The victim was a

famous writer, but the cops didn't

have a clue why he'd been targeted.

The mood was very bleak, until ...

INT. FAMOUS WRITER'S HOTEL ROOM

Geibelhouse, Twohey and a few others are working the crime

scene. We cannot see the identity of the famous writer in

question since he is lying facedown at his desk, but it

appears to be Jose. A mysterious MAN in a blue trench coat

KICKS in the door and enters with a swagger. REVEAL ROCKET

MCGRANE (who looks amazingly like a bleached-blonde Frank

Black) and could out-creep Robbinski.

MCGRANE

Boys, boys, boys, lighten up: this is

a homicide, not a funeral. Hah-hah!

GEIBELHOUSE

(gravely)

McGrane, thank God you're here. We

got a real ugly case.

TWOHEY

(to McGrane)Wanna view the body?

MCGRANE

(holding up a hand)

Is there blood?

TWOHEY

His trachea was ripped out -- of

course there's blood.

MCGRANE

Then thanks, but no thanks. Whatever

goes in the peepers goes into the

neurobiology: I only look at things

that are pretty.

Speaking of which, McGrane turns to the pretty female crime

photographer.


39/47

MCGRANE (CONT'D)

Say, would you like to come back to my

apartment and take my portrait?

(winking)

Bring a wide-angle lens.

TWOHEY

But you just can't close your eyes to

the darkness, the bleak side of life.

McGrane drops to one knee and KARATE-PUNCHES Twohey in the

Crotch. He goes down like a rock.

TWOHEY (CONT'D)

Oooh ...

MCGRANE

I'm Rocket McGrane and I do whateverI want to maintain my upbeatness.

GEIBELHOUSE

Yeah, well, that's all well and good,

but we got a murder to solve.

MCGRANE

This case is a piece of cake with ice

cream on the side! Ha-ha!

GEIBELHOUSE

Are you going to use your specialprofiling powers?

MCGRANE

I don't need to! I know what killed

this writer: his own bad writing! He

wrote about downbeat stories about

depressed people doing dark things.

Who wants that? People don't want to

know how rotten mankind is: they want

to be enlightened while they're being

entertained. That's what real writers

do: to serve man.

INT. FRANK'S BEDROOM

Frank puts the book down and dials Watts' number.

FRANK


40/47

Peter, call Geibelhouse and meet me at

Chung's hotel room now. One of his

titles is "To Serve Man."

WATTS

(on phone)

I hope you're not going to tell me

it's a cookbook.

FRANK

It is the book the girl in the theater

was reading. Chung is the killer's

third anti-Christ.

TAG:

INT. JOSE'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Jose is typing at his desk. The phone rings and he rips

the cord out, then begins typing again. Suddenly, Smooth

kicks the door open. Jose looks up, unfazed in the least.

JOSE

Oh! Rocket McGrane, I presume.

SMOOTH

Writing more blasphemy about Selfosophy?

JOSEI'm trying to, but it's awfully noisy

in here.

SMOOTH

You know, you're exactly how

I imagined you.

JOSE

As I you! Although I didn't expect

such a flair for the dramatic.

SMOOTH

Cranky, miserable, sarcastically

bitter ...

JOSE

I'm always grouchy when facing

a deadline.


41/47

SMOOTH

Maybe that's because you call it a

"deadline". You might react more

positively if you called them a

"liveline", or "birthline".

JOSE

If you're here to kill me, fine. But

please refrain from murdering the

English language.

SMOOTH

Well, I'm pretty handy with the

language myself.

Smooth pulls out a gun and aims it at Jose.

SMOOTH (CONT'D)Maybe I'll create a new definition for

"deadline".

Jose rolls out the paper he was typing and sets it on the

table with a flourish.

JOSE

Too late! I'm done.

Smooth begins throwing his papers across the room.

SMOOTHAs if I'd allow you to publish our

secrets, to ridicule all our beliefs.

JOSE

It's not just your beliefs: I ridicule

a whole bunch of other beliefs.

SMOOTH

Why?! Why bring pain to people who

are trying to wipe away pain and find

true happiness?

JOSE

If I used your therapies to wipe away

my pains, I'd disappear! And if my

right to choose amusement wherever I

want -- if that were wiped away, too,

I'd die!


42/47


43/47

The young man is stunned, and sits on the edge of the bed.

JOSE (CONT'D)

So feel free to use your Onan-o-Graph

and your therapies, if that's what it

takes to make you happy. And I truly

mean that; good luck to you, buddy.

But please allow me to wallow in my

own misery in peace. And if I should

look up from my "downbeat abyss" and

find you a fool, that's no right of

you to commit upon me a foolish act.

Jose gets up and sits at his desk again.

SMOOTH

(shaking his head)No ... wrong is wrong, happy is happy,

death is --

Jose pulls out a gun, and points it at the Selfosophist.

JOSE

Inevitable. I believe McGrane would

call this "a diversionary tactic."

Frank kicks in the door to see Jose training his gun on the

young man.

FRANK

(sighing)

Who the hell is this?

JOSE

The Selfosophy psycho.

Suddenly, Smooth SHOOTS at Jose but misses, and runs out of

the room.

FRANK

Are you all right?

Jose nods and Frank pursues Smooth.

INT. STAIRWELL

Smooth runs up the stairs where he points his gun at Frank.


44/47

SMOOTH

Die, you dark bastard.

He pulls the trigger, but nothing happens. He smiles

cheerfully.

SMOOTH (CONT'D)

All right! My gun jammed!

Smooth throws his gun at Frank and continues running up the

stairs.


Jose is on his hands and knees, picking up his papers.

JOSE

Ohh ... maybe it'll read better all

jumbled up like this.

A tall, dark figure armed with a large axe stands in the

doorway. He approaches Jose and we see that it is the

Frank Zappa look-alike.

NOSTRADAMUS NUTBALL

A third anti-Christ man destroyed ...

to serve man!

JOSE

Hell's bells!

EXT. ROOF

Smooth emerges on the rooftop and runs to the edge, looking

over to see if he can make it across to an adjacent

building. Frank appears in the doorway and follows his

train of sight.

FRANK

Hey, don't try it! You'll never make it.

SMOOTH

Not with that negative attitude I won't!

Unfortunately, a positive attitude is no match for gravity,

and the moron falls to his death. We HEAR a car screech.


45/47

Frank looks over the edge: Geibelhouse gets out of his car

and looks at the dead body.

FRANK

Geibelhouse!

GEIBELHOUSE

(peering up)

That you, Frank? Who's this?

FRANK

The Selfosophy psycho! He tried to

get away!

GEIBELHOUSE

Lookin' real downbeat. Hey, Frank:

thanks for the tip. We caught the guy

coming out the front!

FRANK

What guy?

GEIBELHOUSE

The Nostradamus Nutball.

Frank thinks for a moment, then rushes back to Jose's room.


Watts is staring at a dying Jose, who is slumped on the

floor with a fatal head wound. Frank kneels next to him,

and has FLASHES of the Nostradamus Nutball striking him

with the axe.

WATTS

Frank.

JOSE

(weakly)

Fra -- Frank ...

FRANK

What?

JOSE

Don't ... you just love that mustache?

FRANK


46/47

Yeah, it's --

Frank looks up at a confused Watts; when he turns back,

Jose is dead.

INT. FRANK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Frank is in bed, reading Jose's posthumously released book

"Doomsday Defense".

JOSE (V.O.)

Well, all's well that ends well.

Though that's easy for Shakespeare to

say -- he'll be around for another

millennium. But what of our own

millennium? Will it all end well? No

one can know, but that of coursedoesn't stop anyone from guessing.

And the nature of those predictions

always revolve around the usual

suspects: salvation and/or self-

satisfaction. With that in mind,

I humbly add my own prophecy of what

the dawn of the new millennium shall

bring forth: one thousand more years

of the same, old crap.

With that, Frank shuts close the book and turns out the

lights.

END.

========================================================

Ten Thirteen Productions

in association with

20th Century Fox Television (R)

A News Corporation Company

Guest Starring

Charles Nelson Reilly (Jose Chung)

Terry OQuinn (Peter Watts)

Co-starring


47/47

Stephen J. Lang (Detective Bob Geiblehouse)

Patrick Fabian (Ratfinkovich)

Richard Steinmetz (Mr. Smooth)

Dan Zukovic (Robbinski)

Copyright (c) 1997

Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation

All Rights Reserved #5C09

Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation is the author of this

motion

picture for purposes of copyright and other laws.

The characters and names depicted in this photoplay are

fictitious. Any

similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely

coincidental.

Ownership of this motion picture is protected by copyright and

other

applicable laws, and any unauthorized duplication, distribution

or

exhibition of this motion picture could result in criminal

prosecution

as well as civil liability.

========================================================

Millennium

Copyright and TM, 1997FOX Broadcasting Company

========================================================

Last Updated: May 08, 2003

Webmaster: Brian A. Dixon

jose chung's doomsday defense

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