joker's basket

8/14/2019 Joker's Basket

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Volume 1

Take a whiff, take some laughs and be happy

A collection of jokes for sherry and giggles and maybe abuzz.

Compiled by Bernard Sinai

February 2008


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Table of Contents1.Unrecognizable Truth ....................................................................................................3

1.Key to Heaven ...............................................................................................................32.Queen of the Air ............................................................................................................4

3.The Fig Temptation .......................................................................................................4

4.Baked Surprise ..............................................................................................................55.Lie in my name .........................................................................................................56. 80 vs. 20 .......................................................................................................................6

7. Fly Hunter ....................................................................................................................7

8.Smell the Fork ...............................................................................................................79.Polish Divorce ...............................................................................................................8

10.Better Business Deal ...................................................................................................9

11.Noah from Milne Bay and His Big Canoe ..................................................................912.Lie Clock ...................................................................................................................10

13.Coast Clear ................................................................................................................10

14.Youre Next! .............................................................................................................10

15.Blind Help .................................................................................................................1016.Mirror Image .............................................................................................................11

17.Lone Confession .......................................................................................................11

18.Air Niugini Panic Time .............................................................................................1119.Political Review ........................................................................................................12

20.Forget DNAsmile ..................................................................................................12

21.The Wife Store ..........................................................................................................1322.Zachary and Math Class ............................................................................................14

23.Royal Thing ..............................................................................................................14

24.The Preachers Bike ..................................................................................................1525.Plug In Death ............................................................................................................16

26.4 Men and Their Sons ...............................................................................................1627.Fireman, More Hose .................................................................................................16

28.Kids Are Quick ....................................................................................................1729.A Priest Cannot Lie ...................................................................................................18

30.Magic Elevator ..........................................................................................................19

31.Bar Exchange ............................................................................................................1932. Detective Chen .........................................................................................................19

33. Death Wish ...............................................................................................................20

34. Escapees Delight .....................................................................................................2035. Technologically Advanced ......................................................................................20

36. Dirty League ............................................................................................................21

37. The Legend of Turner Brown ..................................................................................2138. First Year Med. Students. ........................................................................................22

39. Why we love children ..............................................................................................22

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1. UnrecognizableTruth

At the hospital a middle agedwoman had a heart attack andwas taken to the hospital. Whileon the operating table she had anear death experience. SeeingGod, she asked, "Is my timeup?" God said, "No, you haveanother 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live". Upon recovery,the woman decided to stay inthe hospital and have a facelift,

liposuction, and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come inand change her hair colour.Since she had so much moretime to live, she figured shemight as well make the most ofit. After her last operation, shewas released from the hospital.While crossing the street on herway home, she was killed by anambulance. Arriving in front of

God, she demanded, I thoughtyou said I had another 40 years?Why didn't you pull me out ofthe path of the ambulance?God replied, I didn't recognizeyou.

1. Key to Heaven

It was time for Father John'sSaturday evening bath andyoung sister MagdaleneEdwards had prepared the bathwater and towels just the waythe old nun had instructed.Sister Magdalene was alsoinstructed not to look at FatherJohn's nakedness if she could

help it, do whatever he told herto, and pray.

The next morning the old nunasked Sister Magdalene how theSaturday night bath had gone.Oh, sister, said the young nundreamily. I've been saved.

Saved? And how did that finething come about? asked theold nun.

Well, when Father John wassoaking in the tub, he asked meto wash him, and while I waswashing him he guided my handdown between his legs where hesaid the Lord keeps the Key toHeaven.

Did he now, said the old nunevenly.

Sister Magdalene continued,

And Father John said that if theKey to Heaven fit my lock, theportals of Heaven would beopened to me and I would beassured of salvation and eternalpeace and then Father Johnguided his Key of Heaven intomy lock.

Is that a fact, said the old nunmore evenly.

At first it hurt terribly, butFather John said the pathway tosalvation was often painful andthat the glory of God would soonswell my heart with ecstasy. Andit did, it felt so good beingsaved.

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They know you're one of usnow, the bartender replied.How? The bartender grinnedand slid another drink to him.When the fig leaf on the statue

is lifted, all the lights go out.

4. Baked Surprise

One day I met a sweetgentleman and fell in love.When it became apparent thatwe would marry, I made thesupreme sacrifice and gave upbeans. Some months later, onmy birthday, my car broke down

on the way home from work. Istopped at the diner restaurantand before I knew it, I hadconsumed three large orders ofbaked beans.

All the way home, I made surethat I released all the gas. Uponmy arrival, my husband seemedexcited to see me andexclaimed delightedly: "Darling I

have a surprise for dinnertonight." He then blindfolded meand led me to my chair at thedinner table. I took a seat andjust as he was about to removemy blindfold, the telephonerang.

He made me promise not totouch the blindfold until hereturned and went to answer the

call. The baked beans I hadconsumed were still affectingme and the pressure wasbecoming most unbearable, sowhile my husband was out ofthe room I seized theopportunity, shifted my weightto one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but itsmelled like a fertilizer truckrunning over a skunk in front ofa pulpwood mill. I took mynapkin from my lap and fanned

the air around me vigorously.Then, shifting to the othercheek, I ripped off three more.The stink was worse thancooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tunedto the conversation in the otherroom, I went on like this foranother few minutes. Thepleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephonefarewells signalled the end ofmy freedom, I quickly fannedthe air a few more times withmy napkin, placed it on my lapand folded my hands back on itfeeling very relieved andpleased with myself.

My face must have been thepicture of innocence when my

husband returned, apologizingfor taking so long. He asked meif I had peeked through theblindfold, and I assured him Ihad not.

At this point, he removed theblindfold, and twelve dinnerguests seated around the tablechorused: "Happy Birthday!"

Ugh, I fainted...

5. Lie in my name

Jack decided to go skiing withhis buddy, Bob. They loaded upJack's mini van and headednorth. After driving for a few

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hours, they ran into a terribleblizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farmand asked the attractive lady

who answered the door if theycould spend the night. "I realizeits terrible weather out thereand I have this huge house all tomyself, but I'm recentlywidowed," she explained. I'mafraid the neighbours will talk if Ilet you stay in my house.

Don't worry, Jack said. We'llbe happy to sleep in the barn.

And if the weather breaks, we'llbe gone at first light. The ladyagreed, and the two men foundtheir way to the barn andsettled in for the night. Comemorning, the weather hadcleared, and they got on theirway. They enjoyed a greatweekend of skiing. About ninemonths later, Jack got anunexpected letter from an

attorney.

It took him a few minutes tofigure it out, but he finallydetermined that it was from theattorney of that attractivewidow he had met on the skiweekend.

He dropped in on his friend Boband asked, Bob, do you

remember that good-lookingwidow from the farm we stayedat on our ski holiday up North?

Yes, I do.

Did you happen to get up in themiddle of the night, go up to thehouse and pay her a visit?

Yes, Bob said, a little

embarrassed about being foundout. I have to admit that I did.

And did you happen to use myname instead of telling her yourname?

Bob's face turned red and hesaid, Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'mafraid I did. Why do you ask?

She just died and left meeverything.

And you thought the endingwould be different, didn'tyou?)................ (Lie in myname and make me rich .....)

6. 80 vs. 20

It was the stir of the town whenan 80-year-old man married a20 year old girl. After a year shewent into the hospital to givebirth. The nurse came out tocongratulate the fellow saying,This is amazing. How do you doit at your age? He answered,You've got to keep that oldmotor running.

The following year she gavebirth again. The same nursesaid, You really are amazing.How do you do it? He againsaid, You've got to keep the oldmotor running. The same thinghappened the next year. Thenurse said, You must be quite a

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man. He responded, You'vegot to keep that old motorrunning.

The nurse then said, Well, you

had better change the oil. Thisone's black.

7. Fly Hunter

A woman walked into thekitchen to find her husbandstalking a round with a flyswatter.

What are you doing? sheasked.Hunting flies. He responded.

Oh, killing any? She asked.

Yep, three males, two females.he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How canyou tell?

He responded, Three were on abeer can, two were on thephone.

8. Smell the Fork

A blind man walks into arestaurant and sits down. Thewaiter, who is also the owner,walks up to the blind man andhands him a menu.

I'm sorry, sir, but I am blindand can't read the menu. Justbring me a dirty fork from aprevious customer. I'll smell it

and order from there.

A little confused, the ownerwalks over to the dirty dish pileand picks up a greasy fork. He

returns to the blind man's tableand hands it to him. The blindman puts the fork to his noseand takes in a deep breath. Ah,yes, that's what I'll have --meatloaf and mashedpotatoes.

Unbelievable, the owner thinksas he walks towards the kitchen.The cook happens to be the

owner's wife. He tells her whathad just happened.

The blind man eats his meal andleaves.

Several days later, the blindman returns and the ownermistakenly brings him a menuagain.

Sir, remember me? I'm theblind man.

I'm sorry, I didn't recognizeyou. I'll go get you a dirty fork.

The owner retrieves a dirty forkand brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, theblind man says, That smells

great. I'll take the macaroni andcheese with broccoli.

Walking away in disbelief, theowner thinks the blind man isscrewing around with him andtells his wife that the next timethe blind man

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comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week,

but this time the owner seeshim coming and runs to thekitchen.

He tells his wife, Mary, rub thisfork on your panties before Itake it to the blind man.

Mary complies and hands herhusband the fork. As the blindman walks in and sits down, the

owner is ready and waiting.

Good afternoon, sir, this time Iremembered you and I alreadyhave the fork ready for you.

The blind man puts the fork tohis nose, takes a deep whiff, andsays, Hey I didn't know thatMary worked here...

9. Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USAand married an American girl.Although his English speakingwas far from perfect, they gotalong very well until one day herushed into a lawyer's office andasked him if he could arrange a

divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting adivorce would depend on thecircumstances, and asked himthe following questions:Lawyer: "Have you anygrounds?"

Polish Man: "Yes, an acre andhalf and nice little home."Lawyer: "No, I mean what is thefoundation of this case?"Polish Man: "It made of

concrete."Lawyer: I don't think youunderstand. Do either of youhave a real grudge?Polish Man: No, we havecarport, and not need one.Lawyer: I mean. What are yourrelations like?Polish Man: All my relations stillin Poland.

Lawyer: Is there any infidelityin your marriage?Polish Man: We have hi-fidelitystereo and good DVD player.

Lawyer: Does your wife beatyou up?Polish Man: No, I always upbefore her.

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?

Polish Man: No, she white.

Lawyer: Why do you want thisdivorce?Polish Man: She going to killme.

Lawyer: What makes you thinkthat?Polish Man: I got proof.

Lawyer: What kind of proof?Polish Man: She going to poisonme. She buy a bottle atdrugstore and put on shelf inbathroom. I can read, and it say:Polish Remover

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10.Better BusinessDeal

Johnny wanted to screw a girl inhis office.....but she belonged to

someone else... One day Johnnygot so frustrated that he wentup to her and said I'll give you a1000 dollars if you let me screwyou....but the girl said NO.Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throwthe money on the floor, youbend down,I'll be finished by the time youpick it up. She thought for amoment and said that she wouldhave to consult herboyfriend.....so she called herboyfriend and told him the story.Her boyfriend says ask him for2000 dollars, pick up the moneyvery fast, he won't even be ableto get his pants down. So sheagrees and accepts theproposal.Half an hour goes by and theboyfriend is waiting for hisgirlfriend to call. Finally after 45minutes the boyfriend calls andasks what happened......She said THE BASTARD USEDCOINS!!!

11.Noah from MilneBay and His BigCanoe

This stoly is a long time BibleStoly. Maybe your SundaySchool teachers dey oledi tell itto you O no, But I want to Stolyit again?Long long time ago theNoah he was in the village andthe Lordi, he came down and tellit to the Noah. O Noah my

balada, tomorrow morning Iwant you to go into the big bushand make it my one big, bigcanoe". So that one you know itoledi, the next morning before

the kamkams (roosters) theycry, the Noah he carry his axeand he went uuuuuuu rightinside the big bush. He cut itone big tree and he start it tomake it the canoe. All thepeople they really laugh at himand they tell it to the Noah,"Hey Noah, you silly man, whogonna help it you pull this bigbig canoe to the sea". But the

Noah he just busy with his axe.Then he look up in the sky andhe take it his breath "huhuhu"and Noah he said, "all of us wedon't know only our Big Manthat one he knows it". When hefinish it the canoe, the lordi hecame down and tell it to theNoah. "Noah my man, now Iwant you go into the big bushand collect it all the animals two

by two, boysis and girlsis andload it all of them in the big bigcanoe". So the Noah he obey.When he finish it everything thelord tell it to him to do. That onebig rain he came down. He rainand rain and rain and big floodhe came up until the house hefinish, the coconut he finish andbig mountain he finish. All thepeople that one scared got them

and they said, "Ae,Sorry, honestthis one maybe oledi our call",and they swim to the Noah andhis big big canoe. They shoutand said, "Noah honest you ourman! Please open the door andwe come in! But the Noah hesaid, "Ae Solly, honest our Big

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Man he lock it the door and hecarry the key and he wentfalawei and me that onenothing". But the people theykeep on asking, asking so the

Noah he told them E, that's theone! Before I use to make it thecanoe and you use to make funof me, and every time I ling itthe belo and I useto tell it to youpeople tapwalolo (church)tapwalolo (church) and youpeople you never never listenand now how that one? Ae Sollyfor you, but it's Olait, you feelit!!!"

Now you know

12.Lie Clock

Hillary Clinton died and went toheaven. As she stood in front ofthe angel at the Pearly Gates,she saw a huge wall of clocksbehind him. She asked, "Whatare all those clocks?" St. Peteranswered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has aLie-Clock. Every time you lie,the hands on your clock willmove." "Oh," said Hillary, "whosclock is that?" "That's MotherTeresa's. The hands have nevermoved indicating that she nevertold a lie." "Whose clock isthat?" That's Abraham Lincoln's

clock. The hands have onlymoved twice, telling s that Abeonly told 2 lies in his entire life.

Hillary asked, Wheres Bill'sclock? Bill's clock is in myoffice. I'm using it as a ceilingfan.

13.Coast Clear

A married couple was asleepwhen the phone rang at 2 in themorning. The wife picked up the

phone, listened a moment andsaid, How should Iknow, that's 200 miles fromhere! and hung up. Thehusband said, Who was that?The wife said, I don't now;some woman wanting to know ifthe coast is clear.

14.Youre Next!

A blonde suspects her boyfriendof cheating on her, so she goesout and buys a gun. She goes tohis apartment unexpectedly andwhen she opensthe door she finds him in thearms of a redhead! Well, theblonde is really angry. Sheopens her purse to take out thegun, and as she does so, she is

overcome with grief. She takesthe gun and puts it to her head.The boyfriend yells, No, honey,don't do it. The blonde replies,Shut up, you're next!

15.Blind Help

Upon returning home from work,a blonde was shocked to findher house ransacked and

burglarized. She telephoned thepolice at once and reported thecrime. The police dispatcherbroadcast the call on thechannels, and a K-9 unitpatrolling nearby was the first torespond. As the K-9 officerapproached the house with his

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dog on a leash, the blonde ranout on the porch, shuddered atthe sight of the cop and his dog,then sat down on the steps.Putting her face in her hands,

she moaned, I come home tofind all my possessions stolen. Icall the police for help, and whatdo they do? They send me aBLIND policeman!

16.Mirror Image

Two blondes are walking downthe street. One notices acompact on the sidewalk and

leans down to pick it up. Sheopens it, looks in the mirror andsays, "Hmm, this person looksfamiliar." The second blondesays, "Here, let me see!" So thefirst blonde hands her thecompact. The second one looksin the mirror and says, Youdummy, it's me!

17.Lone Confession

Once, there was a man who wasupset by his past deeds that hedecided to visit a church andconfess all of his sins. When hearrived at the church, he walkedto the confession area andspoke to the pastor. "Father, Iam sinful."

"Yes son, just tell me what haveyou done, the Lord will forgiveyou. Father, I have a steadyrelationship with my girlfriend.Its been 3years and nothingserious ever happened betweenus. Yesterday, I visited her

house and nobody was at homeexcept for her sister. We werealone and I slept with her.Thats bad my boy. Fortunatelyyou realize your mistake.

Father, last week I went to heroffice to look for her, but nobodywas around except for one ofher colleagues, so I slept withher too. Thats not very goodof you.

"Father, last month, I went toher uncles house to look for her.Nobody was around except forher auntie, and I slept with her

too. Father...Father?" suddenlythis guy realized that there wasno response from the Father. Hewalked over and discovered thatthe Pastor was not there. So hebegan searching for him.Father? Where are you?

He searched high and low, andfinally he found him hidingunder the table behind the

piano. Father, why are youhiding here? Sorry son,suddenly I remembered there isnobody around here exceptme.

18.Air Niugini PanicTime

This is your captain speaking.On behalf of my crew, I'd like towelcome you aboard your AirNiugini flight to Rabaul andHoskins. We are currently flyingat a height of 10,000 feet,midway across the SolomonSea.

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If you look out of the windowson the starboard side of theaircraft, you will observe thatboth the starboard engines are

on fire. If you look out of thewindows on the port side, youwill observe that the port winghas fallen off. If you look down,you will see a little yellow liferaft with three people in itwaving at you. That's me, theco-pilot, and the flightattendant. This is a recording.

19.Political Review

Here is a funny joke about aSouth Indian boy on his first dayat school in the USA. It was thefirst day of school and a newstudent named ChandrashekharSubrahmanyam entered thefourth grade. The teacher said,"Let's begin by reviewing someAmerican History. Who said

Give me Liberty, or give meDeath? She saw a sea of blankfaces, except forChandrashekhar, who had hishand up: Patrick Henry, 1775he said. Very good!

Who said Government of thePeople, by the People, for thePeople, shall not perish from theEarth? Again, no response

except from Chandrashekhar.Abraham Lincoln, 1863 saidChandrashekhar. The teachersnapped at the class, Class,you should be ashamed.Chandrashekhar, who is new toour country, knows more aboutits history than you do. She

heard a loud whisper: F**k theIndians. Who said that? shedemanded. Chandrashekhar puthis hand up. General Custer,1862.

At that point, a student in theback said, "I'm gonna puke.Theteacher glares around and asks"All right! Who said that?"Again, Chandrashekhar says,"George Bush to the JapanesePrime Minister, 1991." Nowfurious, another student yells,"Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrashekhar jumps out ofhis chair waving his hand andshouts to the teacher, "BillClinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteriasomeone said You little shit. Ifyou say anything else, I'll killyou. Chandrashekhar

frantically yells at the top of hisvoice, Gary Condit to ChandraLevy, 2001.

The teacher fainted. And as theclass gathered around theteacher on the floor, someonesaid, Oh shit, we're fucked! andChandrashekhar quietlywhispered, George Bush, Iraq,2005.

20.Forget DNAsmile

Maria is a beautiful Samoan girlwho fell in love with Sione. Sheplanned to marry very soon. Shewas so happy about her

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wedding plans; she decided totell her papa. Papa told her,Maria, you'll have to findanother. Your Mother does notknow this, but Sione is your half-

brother, my son to anotherwoman". So Maria forgot abouther Sione, and soon planned tomarry Manu.

But after telling papa again, hesaid, Maria there's trouble still.You cannot marry Manu, mydarling. Please don't tell yourmother, but Manu is your half-brother too, my other son to

another woman. Maria had nochoice but to go to her mama.

Mama already knew and saidDon't worry darling, do whatmakes you happy. Marry Manuor marry Sione, because you arenot related to Papa.

21.The Wife Store

A store that sells wives has justopened in New York City, wherea man may go to choose a wife.Among the instructions at theentrance is a description of howthe store operates.

You may visit the store ONLYONCE! There are six floors andthe attributes of the women

increase as the shopper ascendsthe flights. There is, however, acatch. ....You may choose anywoman from a particular floor,or you may choose to go up afloor, but you cannot go backdown except to exit thebuilding!"

So, a man goes to the WifeStore to find a wife.

On the first floor the sign on the

door reads:Floor1- These women are drop-dead gorgeous, love the Lord,and are extremely hard working.

The second floor sign reads:Floor2- These women are drop-dead gorgeous, love the Lord,are extremely hard working andwill have your kids.

The third floor sign reads:Floor3- These women are drop-dead gorgeous, love the Lord,are extremely hard working, willhave your kids and take care ofall your needs.

Wow, he thinks, but feelscompelled to keep going.

He goes to the fourth floor and

the sign reads:Floor4- These women are drop-dead gorgeous, love the Lord,are extremely hard working, willhave your kids, take care of allyour needs, and have a strongromantic streak.

Oh, mercy me! he exclaims, Ican hardly stand it!

Still, he goes to the fifth floorand the sign reads:Floor5- These women are drop-dead gorgeous, love the Lord,are extremely hard working, willhave your kids, take care of allyour needs, have a strongromantic streak, and are

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exceptionally skilled to do handyman jobs around the house.

He is so tempted to stay, but hegoes to the sixth floor and the

sign reads:

Floor6- You are visitor number14,363,012 to this floor. Thereare no women on this floor. Thisfloor exists solely as proof thatmen are absolutely impossibleto please. Thank you forshopping at the Wife Store andplease do not attempt to comeagain! Watch your step as you

stumble out the buildingthrough the exit door, and havea nice day!

22.Zachary and MathClass

Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, wasdoing very badly in math. Hisparents had tried everything:tutors, mentors, flash cards, andspecial learning centres, inshort, everything they couldthink of to help his math! Finally,in a last ditch effort, they tookZachary down and enrolled himin the local Catholic school.

After the first day little Zacharycame home with a very seriouslook on his face. He didn't evenkiss his mother hello. Instead,he went straight to his room andstarted studying. Books andpapers were spread out all overthe room and little Zachary washard at work. His mother wasamazed. She called him down

to dinner. To her shock, theminute he was done, hemarched back to his roomwithout a word and in no time,he was back hitting the books as

hard as before.

This went on for some time dayafter day while the mother triedto understand what made all thedifference. Finally, little Zacharybrought home his report card.He quietly laid it on the table,went up to his room, and hit thebooks. With great trepidationhis Mom looked at it and to her

great surprise, little Zachary gotan "A" in math. She could nolonger hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said:"Son, what was it? Was it thenuns?" Little Zachary looked ather and shook his head, no."Well, then," she replied, "was itthe books, the discipline, thestructure, the uniforms? WHAT

was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her andsaid, "Well, on the first day ofschool, when I saw that guynailed to the plus sign, I knewthey werent fooling around.

23.Royal Thing

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walkdown the aisle, she found thather shoes were missing. Shewas forced to borrow hersisters, which were a bit on thesmall side.

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When the days festivities werefinally over, Charles and Camillaretired to their room, right nextdoor to the Queens and PrincePhillips.

As soon as Charles and Camillawere inside their room, Camillaflopped on the bed and said,Darling, please get these shoesoff, my feet are killing me.

The ever-obedient Prince ofWales attacked the right shoewith vigour, but it was stuckfast.

Harder! Camilla yelled.Harder!I'm trying, darling! The Princeyelled back.It's just so bloody tight!Come on! Give it all you'vegot! There was a big groanfrom the Prince, and thenCamilla exclaimed, "There!That's it! Oh that feels good! Ohthat feels SOOO good!"

In the bedroom next door, theQueen turned to Prince Phillipand said, "See, I told you, with aface like that she was still avirgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charleswas trying to pry off the leftshoe. "Oh, my God, darling! Thisone's even tighter!" exclaimed

the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned tothe Queen and said, "That's myboy. Once a Navy man, always aNavy man

24.The PreachersBike

Every Sunday, the townpreacher rides his bike to

church. This particular day, amember of the church noticedthat the preacher was walking.

He asked, "Where's your bike?"

The preacher said, "Someonestole it. It may have been oneof the members".

"Well, the member proceededto tell him, for next Sunday'ssermon, preach on the TenCommandments. When you getto Thou shalt not steal, reallystress on it and you'll get yourbike back.

The next week the samemember saw that the preacherwas riding his bike.

I see you have your bike back?Did you do what I told you aboutpreaching on the TenCommandments?

Yes replied the preacher.

Did you stress Thou shalt notsteal? he asked.

No the preacher answered.

What happened? asked themember.

"Well," said the preacher "whenI got to Thou shalt not commit

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adultery, I remembered where Ileft it

25.Plug In Death

There was once a certain bed inan ICU ward at a hospital, wherethe people who slept in it diedevery Sunday at 10.30am in themorning. The doctors andnurses could not come up with arational explanation except theunconvincing ones like the bed

had been cursed or mentallydisturbed undertaker hadclimbed five storeys of buildingup to the ward to steal thepatient. Death after deathoccurred until one day, a doctorsuggested that group of themhide in the ward on Sunday at10am and watch what happenedto the patient. All the staff wentabout their daily business and

the group of doctors and nurseshid in anticipation. At 10.30amsharp, the door opened. Thegroup held their breaths. Theywere all too shocked, when oldMcKenzie, the hospital cleaner,came in, took out the plug of thelife-support machine andplugged in a vacuum cleaner tovacuum the ward.

26.4 Men and TheirSons

Four men went golfing one day.Three of them headed to thefirst tee and the fourth went into

the clubhouse to take care ofthe bill. The three men startedtalking and bragging about theirsons.

The first man told the others,"My son is a home builder, andhe is so successful that he gavea friend a new home for free.Just gave it to him!"

The second man said, "My sonwas a car salesman, and now heowns a multi-line dealership.He's so successful that he gaveone of his friends a new

Mercedes, fully "loaded."

The third man said My son is astockbroker, and he's doing soincredibly well that he gave hisfriend an entire portfolio.

The fourth man joined them onthe tee after a few minutes oftaking care of business. The firstman mentioned, "We were just

talking about our sons. How isyours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well,my son is gay and go-go dancesin a gay bar."

The other three men grew silentas he continued, "I'm not totallythrilled about the dancing job,but he must be doing well. His

last three boyfriends gave him ahouse, a brand new Mercedes,and a stock portfolio.

27.Fireman, More Hose

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A FIREMAN came home fromwork one day and told his wife,You know, we a have awonderful system at the firestation: BELL 1 rings and we all

put on our jackets, BELL 2 ringsand we all slide down the pole,BELL 3 rings and we're on thefire truck ready to go.From now on when I say BELL 1,I want you to strip naked. WhenI say BELL 2, I want you to jumpin bed. And when I say BELL 3,we are going to make love allnight.

The next night he came homefrom work and yelled BELL 1!The wife promptly took all herclothes off. When he yelled"BELL 2! The wife jumped intobed. When he yelled "BELL 3!",they began making love. After afew minutes the wife yelled"BELL 4!"

What the fuck BELL 4? asked

the husband?ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, sheyelled, YOU'RE NOWHERE NEARTHE FIRE

28.Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map

and find North America.MARIA: Here it is.TEACHER: Correct. Now class,who discovered America?CLASS: Maria.TEACHER: Why are you late,Frank?

FRANK: Because of the sign.TEACHER: What sign?FRANK: The one that says,"School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: John, why are youdoing your math multiplicationon the floor?JOHN: You told me to do itwithout using tables.TEACHER: Glenn, how do youspell "crocodile?"GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"TEACHER: No, that's wrongGLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but

you asked me how I spell it.TEACHER: Donald, what is thechemical formula for water?DONALD: H I J K L M N O.TEACHER: What are you talkingabout?DONALD: Yesterday you said it'sH to O.TEACHER: Winnie, name one

important thing we have todaythat we didn't have ten yearsago.WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Goss, why do youalways get so dirty?GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer tothe ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a

sentence starting with "I."MILLIE: I is...TEACHER: No, Millie..... Alwayssay, "I am."MILLIE: All right... "I am theninth letter of the

alphabet."

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TEACHER: George Washingtonnot only chopped down hisfather's cherry tree, but alsoadmittedit. Now, Louie, do youknow why his father didn't

punish him?LOUIS: Because George still hadthe axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell mefrankly, do you say prayersbefore eating?SIMON: No sir, I don't have to,my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your

composition on "My Dog" isexactly the same as yourbrother's. Did you copy his?CLYDE: No, teacher, it's thesame dog.TEACHER: Harold, what do youcall a person who keeps ontalking when people are nolonger interested?HAROLD: A teacher

29.A Priest Cannot Lie

A distinguished looking younglady is on a flight returning fromSwitzerland. She finds herselfseated next to a priest and asksExcuse me father, may I ask afavour of you?

Well of course Miss, what can Ido for you? he replies.

Here's the dilemma, Ipurchased for myself, a superblysophisticated electronic hairremover. I paid a lot of money

for it. I really went well over thelimits set forth by Customs, andI fear they will confiscate it fromme. Could you perhaps secret itthrough Customs for me under

your robes?I certainly could my dear, only Imust warn you I really am notever able to lie...

You have such an honest facefather, surely they will never askany questions of you, and withthat she hands him the hairremover.

After landing they proceedthrough Customs and itbecomes the fathers turn inline.

Father, do you have anything todeclare? asks the Customsofficer.

From the top of my head to mywaist I have nothing to declare

my son.

Finding this answer a littlestrange the custom's officerproceeds to ask, And from thewaist to the floor, what do youhave to declare?

The father replies, I have amarvellous little instrumentdestined to be used on a

woman, but which has never yetbeen used...

Roaring with laughter theCustom's officer says, Go rightthrough father. Next!

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30.Magic Elevator

An Amish boy and his fatherwere visiting a mall. They wereamazed by almost everything

they saw, but especially by two,shiny silver walls that couldmove apart and then slide backtogether again.

The boy asked, What is this,Father? The father (neverhaving seen an elevator)responded, Son, I have neverseen anything like this in mylife, I don't know what it is.

While the boy and his fatherwere watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a wheel chairrolled up to the moving wallsand pressed a button. The wallsopened and the lady rolledbetween them into a smallroom. The walls closed and theboy and his father watched thesmall circular numbers above

the walls light up sequentially.They continued to watch until itreached the last number andthen the numbers began to lightin the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened upagain and a gorgeous,voluptuous 24-year-old blondewoman stepped out. The father,not taking his eyes off theyoung woman, said quietly tohis son... Go get your mother.

31.Bar Exchange

A shy guy goes into a bar andsees a beautiful woman sittingat the bar. After an hour of

gathering up his courage, hefinally goes over to her and askstentatively. Would you mind if Ichatted with you for a while?

To which she responds byyelling, at the top of her lungs,No, I won't sleep with youtonight!

Everyone in the bar is now

staring at them. Naturally, theguy is hopelesslyandcompletely embarrassed and heslinks back to his table. After afewminutes, the woman walksover to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him andsays, I'msorry if I embarrassed you. Yousee, I'm a journalist and I'vegotan assignment to study howpeople respond to embarrassing

situations.

To which he responds, at the topof his lungs, What do you meanK200?

32. Detective Chen

A man suspected his wife wasseeing another man, so he hired

the famous Chinese detective,Chen Lee, to watch her andreport any activities while hewas gone. A few days later hereceived his report: (read outloud)MOST HONORABLE SIR:

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YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCHHOUSE.HE COME TO THE HOUSE. I

WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVEHOUSE. I FOLLOW. HE AND SHEGO IN HOTEL, I CLIMB TREE. ILOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE.SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHESTRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE.SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITHME. I FALL FROM TREE. I NOTSEE.

33. Death Wish

An older man was married to ayounger woman. After severalyears of a very happy marriage,he had a heart attack. Thedoctor advised him that toprolong his life they should cutout sex. He and his wifediscussed the matter anddecided that he should sleep in

the family room downstairs tosave them both fromtemptation.

One night, after several weeks,he decided that life without sexwasn't worth living. So heheaded upstairs. He met hiswife on the staircase and said, Iam coming up to die.

She laughed and replied, I amcoming down to kill you!

34. Escapees Delight

A man escapes from prisonwhere he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to lookfor money and guns and finds ayoung couple in bed. He orders

the guy out of bed and ties himto a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed,he gets on top of her, kisses herneck, and then goes up into thebathroom. While he's in there,the husband tells the wife:Listen, this guy's an escapedconvict, look at his clothes! Heprobably spent lots of time in jail

and hasn't seen a woman inyears... I saw how he kissedyour neck. If he wants sex, don'tresist, don't complain. Dowhatever he tells you.Satisfy him no matter how muchhe nauseates you.This guy is probably dangerous.If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Bestrong, honey. I love you.

To which the wife responds: Hewasn't kissing my neck. He waswhispering in my ear. He toldme he was gay, thought youwere cute, and asked if we hadany Vaseline. I told him it was inthe bathroom. Be strong honey,I love you too!!

35. Technologically

Advanced

After digging to a depth of 100mlast year, Russian scientistsfound traces of copper wiringdating back 1000 years, andcame to the conclusion that

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their ancestors already had atelephone network onethousand years ago.

So as not be outdone, in the

weeks that followed, Americanscientists dug 200m andheadlines in the US newspapersread: US scientists have foundtraces of 2000 year old opticalfibres, and have concluded thattheir ancestors already hadadvanced high-tech digitaltelephone 1000 years earlierthan the Russians.

One week later, the Papua NewGuinea press reported thefollowing:

After digging as deep as 500m,PNG archaeologists have foundabsolutely nothing. Theyconcluded that 5000 years ago,their ancestors were alreadyusing mobile phones

36. Dirty League

A little old couple prepares to goto bed. They no sooner hit thepillows when the old man fartsand says, Seven Points. Hiswife rolls over and says, Whatin the world was that?

The old man replied, Its fart

rugby.A few minutes later his wife letsone go and says, Try andconversion - 7-all. After aboutfive minutes the old man letsanother one go and says,Penalty - 10 points to 7. Not tobe outdone, the wife rips out

another one and says, Penalty -10-all.

Five seconds go by and she letsout a little squeaker and says,

Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10.Now the pressure is on the oldman. He refuses to get beatenby a woman, so he strains realhard, but to no avail. Realising adefeat is totally unacceptable hegives it everything he's got, andaccidentally he craps in the bed.

The wife says, What the hellwas that?

The old man says, Half time,change sides.

37. The Legend ofTurner Brown

A small white guy goes into anelevator. When he gets in henotices a huge black dudestanding next to him. The bigblack dude looks down upon thesmall white guy and says: 7foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inchdick, 3 pound left ball, 3 poundright ball, Turner Brown

The white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up thesmall white guy and brings himto, slapping his face and shakinghim, and asks the small whiteguy: What's wrong?

The small white guy says:Excuse me, but what did yousay?

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The big black dude looks downand says:7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch

dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 poundright ball, my name is Turner

Brown

The small white guy says:Thank God! I thought you saidturn around

38. First Year Med.Students.

First-year students at Medical Sc

hool were receiving their firstanatomy class with a real deadhuman body. They all gatheredaround the surgery table withthe body covered with a whitesheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it isnecessary to have 2 importantqualities as a doctor.

The first is that you must not bedisgusted by anything involvingthe human body. "For anexample, the Professor pulledback the sheet, stuck his fingerin the butt of the corpse,withdrew it and stuck his fingerin his mouth."Go ahead and do the samething! He told his students.

The studentsfreaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually tookturns sticking a finger in the buttof the dead body and sucking onit. When everyone had finished,the Professor looked at themand told them,

"The second most importantquality is observation. I stuck inmy middle finger and sucked onmy index finger. Now learn topay attention."

39. Why we lovechildren

We love children for all sorts ofreasons, here are some of them.

A small boy is sent to bed by hisfather. Five minutes later: Da-aadWhat?Im thirsty. Can you bring somewater?No. You had your chance.Lights out.Five minutes later: Da-aaaadWHATIm thirsty. Can you bring adrink of water?I told you No. If you ask again,Ill have to spank you.

Five minutes later: Daaa-aaadwhen you come in tospank me, can you bring a drinkof water?

One summer during a violentstorm a mother was tucking herson into bed. She was about toturn off the light when he askedwith a tremor in his voice,Mommy will you sleep with me

tonight? The mother shruggedand gave him a reassuring hug.I cant dear she said. I haveto sleep in Daddys room. A longsilence was broken at last by hisshaky little voice: The bigsissy.

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A kindergarten pupil told histeacher hed a cat, but it wasdead. How do you know the catwas dead? she asked him.Because I pissed in its ear and

it didnt move, answered thechild innocently. You didWHAT!!! exclaimed the teacherin surprise.You know, explained the boy.I learned over and went Pssst!and it didnt move.

An exasperated mother whoseson was always getting intomischief finally asked him, How

do you expect to get intoHeaven? the boy thought itover and said, Well, Ill run inand out and keep slamming thedoor until St. Peter says, ForHeavens sake, Dylan, come inor stay out!

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