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  • 7/29/2019 Join Forces to Quell Your Inner Critic The Art of Relationships

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    orces to Quell Your Inner Critic The Art of Relationships

    /blogs.webmd.com/art-of-relationships/2012/03/join-forces-to-quell-your-inner-critic.html?ecd=wnl_sxr_040712[4/9/2012 11:13:12 AM]

    WebMD Home WebMD Community: Expert Blogs The Art of Relationships

    The Ar t o f Rela t ionsh ipswith Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

    There is an art to maintaining the intimate relationships in our lives. Read on to

    explore our experts' perspectives, and learn new techniques to improve your

    own relationship skills.

    Impor tan t :

    The opinions expressed in WebMD User-generated content areas like

    communities, review, ratings, or blogs are solely those of the User, who may or

    may not have... Expand

    Wednesday, March 28, 2012

    Join Forces t o Quel l Your Inner Cr i t i c

    By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

    Most people know it even kid about it;

    that they are their own worst enemy.

    They are critical of themselves in ways

    they would never be of others. And

    when they stop long enough to pay

    attention, they can also acknowledge

    that they are the worse for all of that

    self-chastising. The problem is that, too

    often, they dont try to stop, or dontknow how.

    Those who are masters at self-criticism

    often create relationship problems with

    it. Consider Nancy. She is a very nice

    woman who had a caring boyfriend,

    Steve. The problem is that she tends to

    doubt herself a lot and often expects

    that people will judge her for her mistakes or failings. Because of this, every time Steve

    complimented her, she asked him why he would even say what he did or went on to

    explain how he was wrong. At first, Steve was eager to prove that she really was

    wonderful. But, after a few months, he grew so tired and frustrated by this that he began

    to associate spending time with Nancy with being annoyed. Soon he began making

    excuses to do things without her and eventually broke off the relationship.

    If you, like Nancy, are your own worst enemy, its important that you learn to be your own

    best friend. To accomplish this feat, you need both self-awareness and self-compassion.Self-awarenessoccurs at many levels. It means being in touch with your emotions

    enough to recognize and label them. It means being aware of your traits, strengths, and

    weaknesses. And it means understanding how your life experiences have affected, and

    how they continue to affect, you.

    Self-compassion is about approaching yourself in an accepting and caring way. While

    Nancy might be self-aware, she is anything but compassionate toward herself. Instead,

    she uses her knowledge about herself to be more critical. If she learned to practice self-

    compassion, she would be more accepting of herself, loving the whole package of who

    she is. She would also be more open to positive feedback. And if she found herself being

    self-critical, she could practice being compassionate toward her struggle. Even if she

    were uncomfortable with some of Steves compliments, she would choose to focus on

    the fact that he sees her in a flattering way and perhaps even learn (with time) to see

    herself that way, too.

    WebMD Health

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    Lesl ie Bec ker -Phelps,Ph D

    Dr. Becker-Phelps is a well-respected psychologist w

    treats individuals and couples in her private practice

    Basking Ridge, N.J. She is dedicated to helping

    individuals understand themselves and what they ne

    to do to become emotionally and psychologically

    healthy.

    Is also an expert in the following:

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    Yesterday

    K im

    Some where in the Bible it states "Be thou humble and theLlord thy God shall

    lead thee by the hand and give thee answer to thy prayers" That is a lie I tried to

    believe for most of my life and it hasn't done me that much good. Some aspects

    of humility and humiliation are very hard to tell apart. AT times I feel I have been

    lead by the hand to a dark room and have had nothing but silence for answers.

    When someone preaches be humble, thay should be required to keep the

    promise and not leave it to God to keep because God may not want to keep the

    promise. For me, I trying to unlearn some aspects of humility has been very

    difficult. God needs to keep promises or not make them. There is no Godly

    strength in humility.

    3 Days Ago

    t r ruc t i ve c harac ter i s t i c , l eading t o a l iena t ion ic

    Judging oneself, or being strongly hard on one's self, is indeed a very self-

    destrructive characteristic, leading to one's own alienation

    4 Days Ago

    Pats

    this all sounds way too familiar to me. I will be 59 y.o. this summer an it is still

    hard for me to accept a compliment gracefully. You do need to be able to do

    this, not just for yourself but for those who are close and real with you, because

    they put stock in giving compliments. I know that if you are one of us who see

    themselves as living "close to the bone", it is sometimes just impossible when

    someone who is less than sincere in their remarks, gives you a compliment. ok,

    if it is in public and really doesn't cost you anything, go ahead, blindly accept it

    with a polite, "why, thank you". Now, if it is someone who has your last realitynerve under their 2inch heel, and she lays one more phoney compliment on you,

    sometimes you just have to give it a slight hue of the color of the truth. More

    often than not, you would hear something like, "Hey, thanks. I got this for 3

    bucks at the local =goodwill store".

    Remember I did say that accepting compliments is a good thing to do, for

    several reasons. It does share the positive light that others want, or are

    supposed to want, to shine on you. And if you are sharing life with these

    individuals, they are probably OK to take a compliment from and to accept one

    from you. I can say that if you are even concerned about this, you are a good

    person, trying to do even better. You should love yourself, even if you weren't

    taught to do so. That was another time and in some ways another you. You

    have lived, made some mistakes, had some success and you are wiser for all of

    this. You have earned the right to be loved and treasured by others now. Love

    yourself and share that love with the rest of the world. Let the world love you.

    4 Days Ago

    JGTooke

    Buried anger brings self hate and if you have a trusting and submissive

    personality you are doomed to a life of depression since no one except yourself

    can understand how you feel , there is no one that can bring you out of this. If

    there was one who can truley change how a person thinks he would be God and

    God's answer to this is you have to bare your own cross or put up with the thorn

    in your side.

    l i z

    John, either you need serious introspection or a divorce. Or both. I find my self

    loathing tends to be exacerbated by my judgment of others. Loving yourself is a

    Such compassionate self-awareness is a wonderfully effective antidote to self-criticism.

    Although it takes time and effort to practice, you can help it along by choosing the right,

    supportive partner one who sees all of you and loves you for who you are (accepting,

    or even loving, the parts that you think are not so lovable). By looking to that person and

    really practicing seeing yourself through his or her eyes, you just might find self-love

    along with a loving relationship.

    Are you your own worst enemy? How do you silence your inner critic? How has your

    partner helped you? Share your thoughts in the comments below or join the discussion in

    the Relationships and Copingcommunity.

    Photo: Stockbyte

    Posted by: Lesl ie Becker-Phelps, PhD at 8:59 am

    Link to this post

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    4 Days Ago

    learned art for those of us who grew up under hideously punitive circumstances.

    However, in my 50s now, I finally have a mate who adores me without a

    pedestal. This has been remarkably healing for both of us. Love heals the giver

    and receiver. The more you love yourself the less you despise others. The more

    you despise yourself, the more you despise others and the world. Just because

    the answer is simple doesn't make it easy. But always worth it!

    4 Days Ago

    Soapberryusa

    That is the conundrum - a person's over idealizations, real limitations, and

    unrealistic expectations. How are these to be factored in or out of a person's

    view of their self-image? This seems to be an impediment to self-actualizations

    or just plain old confusion about who you are. Further still maybe this is allwrapped up in brain chemistry.

    4 Days Ago

    yvonne

    I have learned to say thank you when some one says something positive to me. I

    also say STOP!!! when I think negative, I try to replace it with, you are a loving

    and lovable person, I say this many times a day. I try to give myself positive

    things. when I do something right, or remember things I need to do, I say good

    Job. this was hard at first, but I am getting better.

    4 Days Ago

    John

    How do you improve when your spouse reinforces all your negative self talk?

    Last Week

    Dr. Beck er-Phelps

    Ginicowan: True self-compassion acknowledges failings, struggles, and

    weaknesses. However, you do it with understanding and caring. This is not self-

    justification because you still see the problem(s); and you might still decide you

    need to change or make amends. It's just that you do it without self-loathing or

    self-contempt. In contrast, self-criticism brings with it judgment or contempt;

    leaving you to feel unnecessarily negative about yourself as a human being.

    Last Week

    Gin icowan

    what if you feel you deserve the self criticism? Are you being compassionate or

    self justifing?

    Last Week

    ca t h iI have found just noticing my judgements is my first step, I found out I judge

    myself more than I realized. To see them is the first step.

    Last Week

    exce l len t

    Please send info to me at [email protected]

    Leave a comment

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