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The Ar t o f Rela t ionsh ipswith Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD
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Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Join Forces t o Quel l Your Inner Cr i t i c
By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD
Most people know it even kid about it;
that they are their own worst enemy.
They are critical of themselves in ways
they would never be of others. And
when they stop long enough to pay
attention, they can also acknowledge
that they are the worse for all of that
self-chastising. The problem is that, too
often, they dont try to stop, or dontknow how.
Those who are masters at self-criticism
often create relationship problems with
it. Consider Nancy. She is a very nice
woman who had a caring boyfriend,
Steve. The problem is that she tends to
doubt herself a lot and often expects
that people will judge her for her mistakes or failings. Because of this, every time Steve
complimented her, she asked him why he would even say what he did or went on to
explain how he was wrong. At first, Steve was eager to prove that she really was
wonderful. But, after a few months, he grew so tired and frustrated by this that he began
to associate spending time with Nancy with being annoyed. Soon he began making
excuses to do things without her and eventually broke off the relationship.
If you, like Nancy, are your own worst enemy, its important that you learn to be your own
best friend. To accomplish this feat, you need both self-awareness and self-compassion.Self-awarenessoccurs at many levels. It means being in touch with your emotions
enough to recognize and label them. It means being aware of your traits, strengths, and
weaknesses. And it means understanding how your life experiences have affected, and
how they continue to affect, you.
Self-compassion is about approaching yourself in an accepting and caring way. While
Nancy might be self-aware, she is anything but compassionate toward herself. Instead,
she uses her knowledge about herself to be more critical. If she learned to practice self-
compassion, she would be more accepting of herself, loving the whole package of who
she is. She would also be more open to positive feedback. And if she found herself being
self-critical, she could practice being compassionate toward her struggle. Even if she
were uncomfortable with some of Steves compliments, she would choose to focus on
the fact that he sees her in a flattering way and perhaps even learn (with time) to see
herself that way, too.
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Lesl ie Bec ker -Phelps,Ph D
Dr. Becker-Phelps is a well-respected psychologist w
treats individuals and couples in her private practice
Basking Ridge, N.J. She is dedicated to helping
individuals understand themselves and what they ne
to do to become emotionally and psychologically
healthy.
Is also an expert in the following:
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Yesterday
K im
Some where in the Bible it states "Be thou humble and theLlord thy God shall
lead thee by the hand and give thee answer to thy prayers" That is a lie I tried to
believe for most of my life and it hasn't done me that much good. Some aspects
of humility and humiliation are very hard to tell apart. AT times I feel I have been
lead by the hand to a dark room and have had nothing but silence for answers.
When someone preaches be humble, thay should be required to keep the
promise and not leave it to God to keep because God may not want to keep the
promise. For me, I trying to unlearn some aspects of humility has been very
difficult. God needs to keep promises or not make them. There is no Godly
strength in humility.
3 Days Ago
t r ruc t i ve c harac ter i s t i c , l eading t o a l iena t ion ic
Judging oneself, or being strongly hard on one's self, is indeed a very self-
destrructive characteristic, leading to one's own alienation
4 Days Ago
Pats
this all sounds way too familiar to me. I will be 59 y.o. this summer an it is still
hard for me to accept a compliment gracefully. You do need to be able to do
this, not just for yourself but for those who are close and real with you, because
they put stock in giving compliments. I know that if you are one of us who see
themselves as living "close to the bone", it is sometimes just impossible when
someone who is less than sincere in their remarks, gives you a compliment. ok,
if it is in public and really doesn't cost you anything, go ahead, blindly accept it
with a polite, "why, thank you". Now, if it is someone who has your last realitynerve under their 2inch heel, and she lays one more phoney compliment on you,
sometimes you just have to give it a slight hue of the color of the truth. More
often than not, you would hear something like, "Hey, thanks. I got this for 3
bucks at the local =goodwill store".
Remember I did say that accepting compliments is a good thing to do, for
several reasons. It does share the positive light that others want, or are
supposed to want, to shine on you. And if you are sharing life with these
individuals, they are probably OK to take a compliment from and to accept one
from you. I can say that if you are even concerned about this, you are a good
person, trying to do even better. You should love yourself, even if you weren't
taught to do so. That was another time and in some ways another you. You
have lived, made some mistakes, had some success and you are wiser for all of
this. You have earned the right to be loved and treasured by others now. Love
yourself and share that love with the rest of the world. Let the world love you.
4 Days Ago
JGTooke
Buried anger brings self hate and if you have a trusting and submissive
personality you are doomed to a life of depression since no one except yourself
can understand how you feel , there is no one that can bring you out of this. If
there was one who can truley change how a person thinks he would be God and
God's answer to this is you have to bare your own cross or put up with the thorn
in your side.
l i z
John, either you need serious introspection or a divorce. Or both. I find my self
loathing tends to be exacerbated by my judgment of others. Loving yourself is a
Such compassionate self-awareness is a wonderfully effective antidote to self-criticism.
Although it takes time and effort to practice, you can help it along by choosing the right,
supportive partner one who sees all of you and loves you for who you are (accepting,
or even loving, the parts that you think are not so lovable). By looking to that person and
really practicing seeing yourself through his or her eyes, you just might find self-love
along with a loving relationship.
Are you your own worst enemy? How do you silence your inner critic? How has your
partner helped you? Share your thoughts in the comments below or join the discussion in
the Relationships and Copingcommunity.
Photo: Stockbyte
Posted by: Lesl ie Becker-Phelps, PhD at 8:59 am
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4 Days Ago
learned art for those of us who grew up under hideously punitive circumstances.
However, in my 50s now, I finally have a mate who adores me without a
pedestal. This has been remarkably healing for both of us. Love heals the giver
and receiver. The more you love yourself the less you despise others. The more
you despise yourself, the more you despise others and the world. Just because
the answer is simple doesn't make it easy. But always worth it!
4 Days Ago
Soapberryusa
That is the conundrum - a person's over idealizations, real limitations, and
unrealistic expectations. How are these to be factored in or out of a person's
view of their self-image? This seems to be an impediment to self-actualizations
or just plain old confusion about who you are. Further still maybe this is allwrapped up in brain chemistry.
4 Days Ago
yvonne
I have learned to say thank you when some one says something positive to me. I
also say STOP!!! when I think negative, I try to replace it with, you are a loving
and lovable person, I say this many times a day. I try to give myself positive
things. when I do something right, or remember things I need to do, I say good
Job. this was hard at first, but I am getting better.
4 Days Ago
John
How do you improve when your spouse reinforces all your negative self talk?
Last Week
Dr. Beck er-Phelps
Ginicowan: True self-compassion acknowledges failings, struggles, and
weaknesses. However, you do it with understanding and caring. This is not self-
justification because you still see the problem(s); and you might still decide you
need to change or make amends. It's just that you do it without self-loathing or
self-contempt. In contrast, self-criticism brings with it judgment or contempt;
leaving you to feel unnecessarily negative about yourself as a human being.
Last Week
Gin icowan
what if you feel you deserve the self criticism? Are you being compassionate or
self justifing?
Last Week
ca t h iI have found just noticing my judgements is my first step, I found out I judge
myself more than I realized. To see them is the first step.
Last Week
exce l len t
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