joey and maria

8/3/2019 Joey and Maria

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JOEY AND MARIA

A play by Julian Remigaard (1974)


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CHARACTERS

Joey

a man

Maria

a woman

Narrator

a man

Dad

a dad

Jimmy

a friend

MaitreD

an older man


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ACT I

SCENE ONE

(The stage is completely empty, save for an ancient man in a white suit, clutching a cane in one hand, his coat

in the other. This is our NARRATOR. He is backlit by a soft, yellow bulb.)

NARRATOR

This here is the tale of Joey and Maria, two spitfires that would make ol Beelzebub blush. Joey with a

six-pack as hard as a diamond, Maria with a butt so plump you could balance an entire Encyclopedia

Britannica set on it. This is their story. The story of two lovers. A story of secret kisses and cupids near

misses. A story so old I forgot when it was told. Now, permit this old bag of bones to get out of the way

and let the story creep along.

(Narrator takes a considerable amount of time to hobble offstage. The curtains open to reveal

JOEY and friend JIMMY in JIMMYS bedroom. Both are naked and slathering their hair with pomade.They stand in front of JIMMYS closet doors, both of which are entirely mirrored.)

JIMMY

So Joey, I hear youre takin Maria Big Butt out on a date tonight.

JOEY

Yeah, Im takin her on a date, alright. A date to Hotel Joey.

JIMMY

Whend you get a hotel, Joey?

JOEY

(Stops combing his hair, looks at JIMMY.)

By that I mean shell be bobbin on this thing all night.

(Gestures toward flaccid penis.)

JIMMY

You are so lucky. I cant even get Rhonda to let me pop it in the back door.

JOEY

Thats the Joey Special!

(Both laugh and high five, lights fade out.)


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SCENE TWO

(MARIA is cooking spaghetti in the kitchen. She is at an old stove. Seated at the table in the corner is her

geriatric father. Both are lit from above.)

MARIA

Heres your Pasta Puttanesca, Papa.

DAD

Mamma mia, Maria, you so good to your father. You makin your old Papa so proud.

MARIA

Ti amo, Papa, I love you more than life.

(DAD crosses himself, then lifts a forkful of spaghetti to his mouth. Both freeze as the narrator is suddenly

present in the corner. He inhales deeply, smiles, then rubs his stomach.)

NARRATOR

If I wasnt so full, Id probably go up and sneak a little bite. Why did I eat so much Chinese food before I

started narrating this play? Oh well, thats for God to know and me to find out once I reach those pearly

gates. (starts to cry) Forgive these tears. I just know Ill be going on my merry way out of this life soon. Im a

silly, crying old fool. My baby is waiting for me in Heaven. (sing-songy voice) But Ill be there in a minute,

darling. Wait for me. Now back to the spaghetti.

(DAD and MARIA resume their conversation.)

DAD

I love-a my Maria so much. My sweet-a baby Maria.

MARIA

Tu amor, Papi. You old, silly Bapparizzi. Theres more Pasta Puttenesca where that came from. But if youll

excuse me, I have a date to get ready for.

DAD

He a nice boy, Maria? He a good boy? Papi wishes he could meet him but my heart. I so weak, Maria.

MARIA

I dont know enough about him, Papi. But I have a feeling hes a good boy.


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SCENE THREE

(JOEY is honking his car outside, waiting for Maria to come to him. He is psyching himself up in the

mirror.)

JOEY

Ohhhh yeeeeah. Who wants it? You want it? Oh yeah, girl. She wants a piece of Joey. (JOEY honks the horn

twice while continuing his psych-up in the mirror) And what she wants she can get. (He starts screaming)

Cause Joey has it! (He reaches into an imaginary dashboard and grabs for a pill bottle. He gingerly takes one

out and swallows it.) Mrs. Joey Foncoolo, Mrs. Joey Foncoolo, Mrs. Joey Foncoolo. (He repeats until he sees

her come out the door. He breathes deeply as opens the door.)

JOEY

Hows doin hon? You look like a one hundred percent doll face. Can Joey get a kiss?

MARIA

(Fake talking to herself.)

Look, he asks for a kiss before shes barely in the door. I told you he was good for nothin.

JOEY

Whos good for nothin? Joey?

MARIA

I only know of one other person in the car besides me.

JOEY

Besides you?

MARIA

Me.

JOEY

But it was you who was talkin.

MARIA

Look at him, thinks he knows whats what before the doors even shut.

JOEY

You talkin to me when you talkin like that?

MARIA

Hes askin if Im talkin to him. My mother always said the Foncoolos were not worth a damn.


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JOEY

Well, we all know your mothers in hell. Rottin with Hitler and John Wayne Gacy. And Jimmy the Rat. All

the boys know where your mother is.

MARIAIf I didnt just have a manicure, Id be punching a hole in your face.

JOEY

Why dont you use that hole inyourface to suck my dick?

MARIA

If I had a dime for every time one of you Bronx boys told me to suck your dick, Id be addin a new wing

to Yankee Stadium.

JOEYMama Mia, I thought Id go on a date with a girl I could talk to. This is what you give me, Lord?

MARIA

Our Lord God isnt listening to you. You think he cares about a Mortadelle gettin his dick sucked? Hes

listenin to African children about their hunger. He aint listenin to you, Joey.

JOEY

I dont believe God is listenin to shit.

(MARIA crosses herself.)

MARIA

And Im sure the African children dont think hes listenin either. We gonna move this 1988 piece of shit

anytime soon or do I have to start eating the loaf of bread I brought in my purse?

JOEY

What broad brings bread in her bag? Ay Mama Mia, Lord, why with this girl?

(Hold for laughter.)


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SCENE FOUR

(JOEY and MARIA are at a restaurant waiting for a table. A fun-loving MAITRE D enters the scene and

looks at the couple.)

MAITRE D

Joey! (Kisses Joey on both cheeks)We dont see you no more. Where you hide? (Wink) and why you hiide?

(slyly.)

MARIA

Whats he talkin about? Im starvin, Joey.

JOEY

Okay Maria. Calm down.(To MAITRE D.) She gets a little patzo in the garbanzo beans when shes hungry.

MAITRE D

Say no more, Joseph. I know how that is. This ol garbanzo gets a little patzo also. I tell you about it later.

(Sensitively.) Lets get you to a table. I so sorry, Maria. (Verges on tears.)

(JOEY rustles his hair then confidently puts his arm around MARIA, leading her like a gentleman to their

table. Joey pulls out her seat and puts a napkin on her lap. Then kisses her hand and whispers something into

her ear that we never hear. MARIA smirks and shakes her head.)

MARIA

Joey, is it a wine night?

(JOEY snaps his fingers and a bottle is placed on the table. The waiter bows to them. Breadsticks come.

JOEY playfully pretends one is his penis and MARIA laughs. She puts one in her mouth provocatively.

Other patrons who catch them laugh with them and reminisce on young love. A couple near them begin to

talk. A spotlight shines on their table.)

MAN

Thats a very cute Italian couple.

WOMAN

You can tell by their eyes theyve been together a long time.

MAN

Look how she loves him.

(The suddenly inspired MAN stands up and starts to sing a classic Italian song. The spotlight shines solely on


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him. The MAN sings for a full minute while JOEY and MARIA have fun, talk and play with bread. The

MAITRE D dances alone. The lights darken and two spotlights appear. One trained on JOEY and MARIA

and one on the singing patron. The lights begin to flicker. The lyrics of the song being sung start to feel

darker and more ominous. They have taken a dark turn. Like in Willy Wonka in that chocolate tunnel.)

MAN(Singing.)

The light fades fast in our fathers house. In tongues he controls both man and mouse. The darkness you saw is sure not done.

The king of flies wants his son.

(The lights come back on. Glaringly so. Everyone freezes as a male POST OFFICE CLERK runs onto the

stage.)

POST OFFICE CLERK

Oh Maria, its so bad. Your father. He croak like a frog an hour ago. Oh Maria, he was calling for you. The

whole neighborhood heard it. (Looking up towards the ceiling.) I have to be a messenger for this too,Lord!?

(The POST OFFICE CLERK switches to Italian and falls to his knees crying. JOEY gets up. He walks to

MARIAS seat and lifts her up like a bride in his arms. He carries her to the front of the stage and then exits

left. The POST OFFICE CLERK continues to cry on the floor and the lights finally fade to an

all-encompassing black.)


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ACT II

SCENE ONE

(JOEYS Apartment. JOEY, still carrying MARIA as a bride, lays her down onto his couch. She is still in

shock. JOEY goes into the corner of the room and brings a volcano-weed smoking device over to where

MARIA lays. He lights it and smoke plumes out.)

JOEY

Here, take this. It will make you feel better.

MARIA

Joey, I cant....Im....

(Too weak to say anything MARIA hugs herself and begins to shiver.)

JOEY

Open your mouth, Maria.

(MARIA, too stunned to do anything but obey, opens. JOEY takes a gigantic hit of marijuana into his mouth

and then blows the smoke into MARIAS. MARIA closes her eyes, relishing the taste. Then she breathes it in

deeply and exhales.)

JOEY

One more, baby.

(MARIA opens her mouth again without a word and waits while JOEY blows another stunner into it.)

MARIA

My father, Joey. My papi.

JOEY

This is happy weed, Maria. Give it time for you to not feel a thing.

MARIA

My heart is aching, Joey. I feel my heart. Im so sad I cant breath.

JOEY

Thats why I say give it time. Let me read to you.


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MARIA

No book can help me, Joey. I cant breath anymore.

(JOEY takes down a book off his shelf and begins to read. MARIA takes a deep breath and relaxes into her

position on the couch.)

JOEY

In the desert

I saw a creature, naked, bestial,

Who, squatting upon the ground,

Held his heart in his hands,

And ate of it.

I said, "Is it good, friend?"

"It is bitter -- bitter," he answered;

"But I like it

Because it is bitter,And because it is my heart.

MARIA

He liked it because it was hisheart. Joey, this marijuana is making me feel crazy.

JOEY

How crazy?

MARIA

It makes me want to dance, Joey. I havent danced in a long time.

(MARIA springs up off the couch and starts to slowly dance.)

JOEY

(Speaking to no one.)

Can I marry her, Lord? Will she take me?

(MARIA cant hear JOEY. The functions of her body are only working towards her dancing.)

JOEY

Can she love me for me? Is it what we were meant for?

(A break in the music causes MARIA to stop dancing.)

MARIA

My daddy would have wanted me to dance. (In a loud song-voice.) He would have wanted me to sing!


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JOEY

Is the world better with us together?

MARIA

(Singing.)

Better....together....better....forever.

JOEY

Were we meant as two?

MARIA

(Continuing to sing.)

Better together...with love thats forever.....

JOEY

Am I not me without her?

MARIA

The things that matter....are better... together....

JOEY

It makes me sick to think like this.

(MARIA stops singing and looks at JOEY)

MARIALets make love, Joey.

JOEY

I cant right now.

MARIA

Why not?

JOEY

Dont ask me why.

MARIA

No, you have to tell me.

JOEY

I cant because...


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MARIA

Because...

JOEY

Because I havent had sex in a month and Im afraid itll be over too fast.

MARIA

Oh, Joey. You could make a girl cry. I havent had sex in so long I bet there are cobwebs in there. (Points to

vagina.) I dont even know what to expect.

JOEY

I could come right now just talking about having sex.

MARIA

Then lets come, Joey. Id rather you blow your load with me than over there.

JOEY

Okay then lets....go...to...bed.

(JOEY mocks like he is having an orgasm. MARIA puts her hands to her face in shock.)

JOEY

And the best actor award goes to...Joey Foncoolo!

MARIA(Laughing hysterically.)

I thought you really blew a load!

(JOEY and MARIA freeze while laughing and the NARRATOR walks slowly onto the stage.)

NARRATOR

God made me a narrator and God made these two lovers. God took away my wife and then gave me a

boner. God made the rain and then blessed the sunshine. My life isnt for me now and its not my fault. I did

it all and conquered all I saw. (Slow.) Now bless this mess until my heart stops beating in my chest.


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SCENE TWO

(The stage is completely dark. We only hear the voices of JOEY and MARIA.)

MARIA

Is it in now, Joey?

JOEY

Yeah, its in.

MARIA

Okay, good. I think I feel it.

JOEY

I know I feel it.

MARIA

Lets give them something to talk about, Joey.

JOEY

All we can do is try, Maria. I think I know what theyll talk about.

(The curtain falls.)

joey and maria

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