JAKE AND AMIR

written by

Chill Dude 92

AddressPhoneE-mail

Act 1

INT. OFFICE - DAY

AMIR Standing on his chair, Jake is at his desk, The rest of the office is at their computers

AmirCan I have your attention please?

Everyone ignores him

JakeStop.

AMIR(to jake)

You dont even know what Im gonna say yet.

JAKEI think I do know, and I dont want you to say it.

AMIRJake and I are going out tonight, so if anyone needs me... tough shitzu! Cause these dogs are gonna be barkin tonight, if you know what I mean.

JAKE(whispering so only Amir can hear him)

Amir, be quiet.

AMIRWhaaat? I want everyone to know that were hanging out tonight.

JAKEI know, stop.

AMIR(in a whiny voice)

Its just that, its almost not even worth it if nobody knows.

JAKEI just dont want people to know were hanging out.

2.

AMIRWhy, were like a dynamic duo. Youre like my Art frickin Garfunkel.

JAKERight, so you think youre Paul Simon?

AMIRWho the shit is Paul Simon? Im Linda Marie Grossman. You know why?

JAKEI dont even know who that is.

AMIRCause I am Linda. I like to smoke Marie Jane.

Amir waits for jake to laugh, after it becomes clear that JAke wont laugh Amir mimes smoking a joint, Amir waits again for Jake to laugh

AMIR (CONTD)Marijuana.

JAKERight, I got it.

AMIRAnd thirdly, but certainly not leastly, I am a gross man.

JakeCool. So, in what way are you Linda?

AMIRThats all you have to say? You think Im a gross man and I have a problem with Marie Jane. How so? You think because I said it then it must be true? Dont just agree with everything I say, have your own thoughts for once. For once in your life, just have your own thoughts, and tell me how so!

JAKEI dont agree with everything you say, I just called you out for calling yourself Linda.

3.

AMIRLow hanging fruit.

JAKEAnd also its 11 in the morning, youre at work and you reek of pot and what I can only assume is human urine, which pretty much confirms that you are a gross man, and you might have a smoking problem.

AMIRThis is marijuana not cigarettes!

JAKEBut you still smoked it, right?

AMIR(stifling a laugh as he speaks)

Yeah, I frickin hot boxed the bus on the way to work this morning. The driver was piiiiissed. Which reminds me, on a scale of gone to blazed how stoned should I be for our date tonight?

JAKEDOUBLE date tonight. And none. You should be stone cold sober.

AMIRStoned, cold and sober. Got it.

JAKELook, whatever you do, man, just dont be yourself tonight, all right?

4.

Opening Title Plays

5.

Act 2

EXT. IN FRONT OF RESTARAUNT - NIGHT

Jake is pacing back and forth on the sidewalk holding his phone to his head, the phone is ringing

AmIR (phone) (phone)Yello!

JAKEAmir, where the hell are you? You were supposed to be here half an hour ago.

AMIR (PHONE)Dont worry, brotha, cause I am pre-gaming it right now, as we speak.

JAKEWhat do you mean youre pre-gaming it? The game started half an hour ago, and I specifically told you to be stone cold sober.

AMIR (PHONE)Ooooh, I think we had a bit of a breakdown in communication, because I though you said

JAKE/Amir (at the same Time) (at the same Time)

Stoned, cold and sober.

AMIR (PHONE)Yeah, exactly.

JakeHow does that make sense? How could you be stoned and sober at the same time?

AMIR (PHONE)You know I actually wondered that when I heard you say it, but at that point- at that point I was too gone to even speak.

6.

JAKEI seriously doubt that, because you pretty much annoyed me all day by asking me stupid questions. As you do every day.

AMIR (PHONE)Sorry about that dude, I was- Iwas totally gone.

JAkeI know, my point was, you obviously werent too gone to even speak, because you were speaking all day.

Cut to Int. Liquor store

Amir is pushing a shopping cart, his phone is pressed between his head and his shoulder

AMIRDo me a favor and shut up for just one second.

Jake (PHONE) (PHONE)Excuse me?

AMIRIm at the liquor store, trying to get the old 5 finger discount and this bitch at the register is eyeballing me. Hard.

Shot of the cashier glaring at amir

JAKE (PHONE)Dont steal anything.

AMIRShut the fudge up dude, or shes gonna hear you!

JAKE (PHONE)Just put everything back and Ill pay for your drinks when you get to the restaraunt.

AMIRNo can do, brotha! I gotta pre-game this bitch.

7.

JAKE (PHONE)Then just pay for it. You have a job, you have money, just pay for it.

AMIRYeah, but I dont have any ID.

JAKE (PHONE)Why do you not have an ID? Tell me why.

AmIRSo you know my cousin Leron, right?

Cut to a group of teens (scott, travis and Jody) walking through the liquor putting alcohol in a cart, cut back to amir

JAKE (PHONE)Stop. I dont wanna know.

AMIRSo me and Leron are at the river, right? Were just hangin out. Takin smokes, takin tokes. Just- just bein blokes, when we hear the cops coming. Shit goes ape. Now I dont want these pig fucks to ID me, so being the quick thinker that I am, I throw my wallet in the river.

JakE (PHONE) (PHONE)Dumb idea.

AMIRDont I know it. Anyway, as it turns out these pig fucks spent the big bucks on some... uhh...

JAKE (PHONE)It doesnt have to rhyme.

AMIROn some good stuff. They catch me, they run my face through the system, they ID me in less than a minute. So now Im looking around for James Franco, Gary Old Man, Serkis, anybody, cause shit is about to get APE. I push one of the pig fucks and me and leron, sorry, Leron and I, book it.

(MORE)

8.

AMIR (CONTD)Long story short theres a warrant out for my arrest, and my wallets up shits creek with my ID, my cash, my credit cards and no paddle.

JAKE (phoNE)Great, so theres a warrant out for your arrest.

AMIRShut up, dude, the cashier is gonna hear you! Shes looking at me.

JAKE (Phone)She probably heard you.

AMIRIm freaking out dude.

JAKE (PHONE)Just put everything back and come meet me at the restaraunt.

Shot of the teenagers running out of the store with a cart full of liquor, right in front of the cashier

CashierYou kids get back here!

AMIRNo frickin way dude, I gotta go!

Cut to jake INFRONT of the restaraunt

JAKEAmir, just come to the-

Sound of the phone being hung up on amirs end

Jake (CONTD)Damn it.

Cut to amir leaving his cart in the liquor store and running after the teenagers, runs past the cashier, the teenagers are running through the parking lot, travis is pushing the cart

AmIRPiece out you old bitch!

Amir runs through the parking lot towards the teenagers

9.

AMIR (CONTD)Get back here you little shit stains!

ScottWhat the hell is this dudes deal?

TravisI dont know, is he like undercover security?

JodyTheyre not supposed to chase you out of the store. Theyre just supposed to call the cops and watch you run away!

Amir gets close to the kids, he tackles travis, travis lets go of the cart and it continues to roll through the parking lot, Jody and Scott stop to help travis, amir is holding onto traviss leg, Travis wrestles free

TRAVIS(scared and angry)

What the hell is your problem?

Amir takes a second to compose himself

AmIRThat shit... was so... APE!

ScOTTWhat?

AMIRThat stunt you just pulled? That was legit Andy Serkis level ape shit, dudes!

Travis, scott and Jody look at EACHOTHER

AmIR (CONTD)Oh, Im sorry, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Amir Linda Blumenfeld, your new best friend.

JoDYPiss off weirdo.

AMIR(smugly)

Did I mention I can buy booze?

10.

ScOTTYeah, obviously, youre like 40 years old.

AMIRIll have you know Im 32.

SCOTTThat doesnt change the fact that youre a grown man and were high school students.

AMIRYou guys are in high school? I went to high school too! Thats insane! I was like the king of my high school!

Police sirens can be heard in the distance

TravISShit, we gotta get out of here.

AMIRDont worry I can drive.

TrAVISWheres your car?

AMIRI dont have a car, dumbass, I just meant I know how to drive. One of you give me your keys and Ill show you.

JODYWe dont have a car, retard. We were just gonna run away until some idiot tackled us.

AMIRYou should have freakin told me that, what am I a mind reader or some shit? I coulda ran distraction, slapped the old bag of bones, you know, really confuse the shit out of her, while you pups made off with the loot, by the time she comes back to her senses all she can remember is this pretty face looking her dead in the eye before she blacked the fudge out.

11.

Scot and travis start running the opposite directions of the sirens, scott is pushing the cart of booze, jody and amir soon follow

Cut to int. Restaraunt- night

4 person table, michelle and lauren on one side of the table, jake sits down across from michelle, jake makes a distressed face

MichelleDid you talk to Pat?

JaKEAmir, actually, Pat said he was too busy to come tonight.

MICHELLEOh. Did you talk to Amir?

JAKEYeah. Yeah yeah yeah. He said hes running a bit late.

The three of them sit there in silence

Jake (CONTD)What are the chances we turn this into a three way date?

Lauren coughs and makes a disapproving face

JAKE (CONTD)Right. Im gonna call Amir again. He can be kind of a retard sometimes.

LaurenYou shouldnt call people retards. Its not funny.

MICHELLEMy brothers retarded.

JAKEWhat a coincidence, so is my best friend.

MICHELLEThats not funny.

JAKERight. Im gonna call Amir one more time.

12.

Cut to amir, scott, jody and travis running down a sidewalk with a cart full of liquor

JoDYPiss of r-tard.

Amirs phone rings

AMIRHold that thought for just one second, I have to take this phone call, its my other best friend, Jake.

SCOTTYour friend sounds like an r-tard.

AMIRHe is. Totally. Hes like the definition of an r-tard.

Amir answers his phone

AMIR (CONTD)Whats up... r-tard!

Amir smiles with pride, puts his and in the air looking for approval from jody, scott and travis, jody, scott and travis ignore him, Cut to restaraunt, lauren and michelle look offended, jake has his hand over the speaker of the phone to stop amir from hearing what hes saying

JakeHe can use the word because hes an r-tard himself.

AmIR (PHONE) (PHONE)I HEARD that!

JAKEAre you comin bud? Tell them youre on your way.

AMIR (PHONE)Shit no, Im not coming. Tell those bitches they just got stood the frick up!

Michelle and lauren look disgusted

JAKEHah. Good one bud. Youre on speaker phone, by the way.

(MORE)

13.

JAKE (CONTD)They can hear everything youre saying... So shut up.

AMIR (PHONE)Is Lauren there? Can she hear me?

JaKELoud and clear.

LauREN(yelling into the phone)

Hey Amir, cant wait to meet you!

AMIR (PHONE)Hey, babe? Babe? Ive got bad news babe. Tonights a boys night. Tonight me and the boys are getting stoned, cold and sober. Shits gonna get ape tonight! You know what that means, babe?

LaurenYoure not coming?

AmiRYouve been stood up, bitch!

Cut to amir, travis, scott and jody running down the sidewalk

JodyAsk that bitch if she needs a tampon.

AMIRThats good. Hey Lauren, babe?

LaureN (PHONE) (PHONE)No, I dont need a tampon.

AMIRYou heard that? Thats my dog, Jody. Hes a young pup, but he has moxy to be sure. Hes like the funny one in the group.

JodyShut up r-tard.

AmirHe called you an r-tard and says you should shut up.

JODYI was talking to you r-tard.

14.

AMIRNever mind, babe, he was talking to me. Look I gotta go, Im running my balls off here. This pack is movin! TTYL, sweetheart!

Amir hangs up the phone and reaches for a high five, amir is clearly exhausted from all the running, his attempt for a high five is ignored

Cut to restaraunt, michelle and lauren look angry

JakESo were not like close friends. Were just coworkers.

Michelle and lauren both stand up from the table

JAKE (CONTD)So youre leaving? Youre just gonna leave me here? Wait. Dont leave, I have- I have other friends. Forget about Amir, I can call Pat, hell be here in 10 minutes. No, fuck Pat, Ill call Rosie. Youre gonna love Rosie, Rosie is the tits!

MichELLEI dont wanna meet any of your gross friends.

LAURENOr anyone whos the tits.

JAKEWhat if we just go find Amir... and kick his ass? Ill find out where he is, and we can go beat the shit out of him!

Lauren and michelle look interested

JAKE (CONTD)Then the three of us can go back to my place?

Lauren and michelle look disinterested

JAKE (CONTD)Well find Amir, kick his ass and take it from there!

15.

Fade to Black

16.

Act 3

EXT. SIDEWALK - NIGHT

Amir, jody, scott and travis are running down the sidewalk, scott is pushing the shopping cart, amir is lagging behind, amir is clearly out of breath.

AMIRYou guys go on without me.

Amir stops running, Everyone keeps running without him,

Amir starts running again, catches up to the group

AMIR (CONTD)(out of breath)

Youre right, no man left behind.

JoDYShut up, dude. Nobody wants you here.

Amir gains a second wind and regains his composure

AMIRYou remind me a lot of my friend Jake.

SCOTTThe r-tard you were on the phone with?

AMIR(to Jody)

Yeah, except obviously youre less of an r-tard. Hes a total r-tard.

The group keeps running in silence

AMIR (CONTD)Where are we going by the way?

JodyWere going to a house party.

AMIRThat is so sick! I am like the king of house parties!

(MORE)

17.

AMIR (CONTD)I remember in high school as my calling card I would break peoples lamps just so they would know Amir was here, it was like my calling card, it was my signature move. I broke like 15 lamps. That dude was piiissed. Then I never got invited to anymore house parties.

Amir waits for an approving response

AMIR (CONTD)Are there gonna be any lamps to break at this party?

travisIts at my house, r-tard. If you break one of my parents lamps Im gonna kick your ass.

travis punches amir in the side as they run, amir keels over in pain

AmiROw- ow- ow- ow! Why the frick did you do that? That frickin hurt. All in favor of ganging up and kicking this kids ass say aye!

Silence, everyone stops running as amir crawls around on the ground

AMIR (CONTD)I legit think you broke my spleen. Like legit.

Silence

AMIR (CONTD)(crying)You r-tard.

TravisShut up, pussy.

AMIRAnyone wanna throw their dog a bone? I gotta burn one right now to help ease the pain.

Silence

18.

AMIR (CONTD)Knick kanck paddy walk, throw a dog a bone! Come on! I thought we were bros, I thought we were dogs!

ScOTTWe dont even know you.

TrAVISYou tackled me in a parking lot and started following us.

AMIROh my god! I dont deserve this!

JodyIf you think were bros, what are our names?

AMIRJudas, Brutus and... Utus.

TrAVISWho the hell is Utus?

AMIRYou are! You know when Judas let Jesus die on the cross you know what he at least had the decency to do? At least Judas threw his dog a bone! Thats it, were not dogs anymore!

JODYOkay, cool.

Jody, Scott and travis walk away with the cart, amir sits on the sidewalk watching them walk away, eventually he gets up and chases after them

AMIRAhh, damn it! You called my bluff. Wait!

Amir runs up to the group and everyone stops

AMIR (CONTD)Ive taken a shit and now, like a dog I must eat my own shit. I want back in the pack. I wanna be the Jesus to your Judas. Its a dog eat dog shit world and Im ready to eat a dogshit sandwich. So what do you say, are we dogs?

19.

ScOTTNo.

AMIRThat is so Judas! And I love ya for it. I love you guys the way you are. I dont wanna change the group. I just wanna be a part of the dog pack!

TRAVISFine, if you shut up you can come to the party. Jesus Christ, are you a legit r-tard?

Cut to ext. Jake, Lauren and michelle sitting on a bench

JAKE-so theres no official diagnosis, but he definitely has the IQ of one.

Jakes phone rings, he pulls it out of his pocket to read a text message

JAKE (CONTD)So Amir just texted me, and he sent me the address of some house party that hes apparently at, although the house number is impossibly high. Ive gotta call Amir and figure out what the address is.

Jake starts punching in amirs number as he walks around the corner

Amir (PHONE) (PHONE)King R-Tard speaking.

JAKEAmir?

AMIR (PHONE)Yeah, sorry, the dogs want me to call myself King R-Tard from now on. Im sort of their leader. It sounds mean, but they say its a term of respect.

JAKEIts not.

20.

AMIR (pHONE)Well you dont know jack, so shut the fudge up, okay? Ow! Hold on, the dogs are throwing rocks at me, Ive gotta run down the street a little bit. Just to get out of range.

Cut to amir on the sidewalk, jody and scott are throwing rocks at him, amir starts to run down the street holding the phone to his ear

JAKE (PHONE)That sounds horrible.

AMIRDont worry their bark is worse than their bite.

Jody and scott stop throwing rocks

JAKE (pHONE)Soinds brutal, cause it sounds to me like their bite is throwing rocks at you.

AMIRWell jokes on you, cause they stopped.

JaKE (PHONE) (PHONE)Sounds like the jokes still on you, cause youre the only one whos been pelted with rocks tonight.

AmIROkay, whatever, what do you want?

JAKE (PHONE)That street address that you gave me is impossibly high.

AmIRWhy? What did I type?

JAKE (PHONE)You said, quote, Hey playa, whats Gucci in the hoochie-

AMIRIm gonna stop you right there, what does that mean?

21.

JAKEI dont know.

AMIR(indignantly)

Then whyd you say it?

JAKEI was quoting you!

AMIRRight, sorry, go on.

JAKEHey playa, whats Gucci in the hoochie? Just got the dirty deets on a sick partay, all hoes 16 and older, so dont worry, totally legal by the way I wasnt worried, and not legal. So you should be worried. Anyway, then you said, Address is 69 420 69 Maple Drive. Which is not a real address.

AMIROh, right, sorry, I meant 11. So give me the dirty deets how is the date going? Are we gettin laid tonight, brotha?

JAKE (PHONE)Are you serious? Obviously its going terrible. You called your date a bitch, an r-tard and you told her tonight was a boys night.

AMIRYeah! Im not gonna let some r-tard bitch come into my life and control everything. Seriously, since I started dating this r-tarded bitch when was the last time me and you hung out? Huh? Dog to dog, just me and you?

JAKE (PHONE)You havent even met her in person yet!

AMIRI know, and ses already trying to control my shit, telling me who I can and cant see!

22.

JAKE (phoNE)Well she thinks, youre an asshole.

AMIRIts called negging, dude! Have You heard of it? Trust me, she wants this dick.

JAKE (pHONE)She doesnt.

AMIRThen shes a legit lesbo, man!

JAKE (PHONE)Shes not a lesbo, youre just an asshole.

AMIRShes at least bi, dude!

JAKE (PHONE)Shes not bi.

AMIRHow do you know?

JAKE (PHONE)Because I asked them if they wanted to have a threeway, man!

AMIRAnd what did they say?

Cut back to jake

JAKEThey said no.

AMIR (pHONE)Shit dude, I think theyre legit lesbos! Are they hot?

JAkeYeah, dude!

AMIR (PHONE)Oh God! You shoulda told me you had smokin hot lesbos, man! You screwed the pooch on this one. You shoulda told me you had smokin hot lesbos!

23.

JakeI didnt frickin know dude!

Cut to amir with scott, travis and jody in the background

JodyKing R-tard, get off the phone!

ScoTTWeve gotta get to the party, R-Tard!

AmirShit dude, I gotta go, but if these lesbos start scissoring or some shit promise me youll take a picture for me! The address is 69 420 69 Maple street. Get here now!

Jake (PHONE) (PHONE)Why dont you come here?

AmIRCause Im on my way to a sick party! If I bail now Im gonna get so much shit from the dog pack at school tomorrow!

JAKE (PHONE)Youre 32 years old, you dont go to school.

AmirI knooow, dont remind me!

Jody and Scott start throwing rocks at amir

AmiR (CONTD)Shit, they started throwing rocks again, I gotta go!

Amir runs towards scott, Jody and travis

JodyHurry up!

AMIRGood news boys, I got legit smokin hot lesbos to come to the party!

Cut to jake, walking back towards lauren and michelle

MicheLLEDid you get the address?

24.

JAKEYou ladies didnt have too much fun without me did you?

Lauren and michelle look at EACHOTHER disgustedly

LAURENDid you find Amir?

JAKEYeah, hes at some stupid high school party, or hes on his way or something.

MiCHELLECool, lets go.

JAKEWe could do that... or the three of us could have our own party at my place.

Lauren and michelle are visibly annoyed

JAKE (CONTD)If you dont wanna have a threesome, then just say it! Stop being coy and just say it, Im a grown man, I can take it!

Lauren(annoyed)

Dude, we dont wanna have a threesome with you, okay?

JAKESo you admit that you wanna have a threesome, just not with me! What the frick! I buy you frickin dinner and now- now- now you wanna have a threesome with some other dude!

LAURENYou didnt buy us dinner, we walked out before we even ordered.

JAKEBut I was willing to, right? And thats what matters! I dont care about Amir, I just wanna hang out with you two. Okay?

(MORE)

25.

JAKE (CONTD)How do you think it makes me feel when I almost buy you two dinner, almost spend some real bank on you divas, and all you wanna talk about is my friend? And everytime any one of us mentions a threesome I look like an asshole. How do you think that makes me feel?

MICHELLEYoure the only one who keeps bringing up threesomes.

JAKECause Im worried that you two are legit lesbos! Im planting seeds, you know, subliminal messaging, at the end of the night you two are still lesbos, but you figure, what the frick, this dude, hes chill, hes earned it!... Im worried that Im gonna be driving you all over town and by the end of the night youre gonna be finger blasting each other while my bone stays dry as a- as a

LaurENAs a bone?

JAKEExactly!

MichELLEJust cause we dont we want to have a threesome with you, you assume were lesbians?

JAKEWhen you put it that way it sounds stupid, but youve legit been giving out gay vibes all night!

MICHELLEWere not lesbians, dude!

JAKEBi? Come on, you have to be bi, all girls are a little bit bi! You know you get a little a drunk and you start feeling some type of way.

LAURENYoure an asshole.

26.

JAKEHow am I an asshole? Everyone wants to have sex, Im just the first to admit it. If you guys dont wanna have a threesome Ill settle for twosome! A gruesome twosome! I swear to god Ive been beating my meat all month, I cant have another onesome! Im in a slump, alright? Im in a legit slump! I ran out of lube 3 weeks ago and Im raw, Im rare, Im rawer than rare! My dick looks like an uncooked slab of burger meet rolled into the shape of a hotdog, Im not even lying! So whatta you say, can we agree to a twosome? A twosome! A simple twosome! Just a real Adam and Eve type situation, a twosome!

Michelle walks up and gets close jake, puts her hand in his pocket, Jake makes a proud face, Michelle pulls jakes car keys out of his pocket, Michelle starts beating jake with her purse, jake crumples up on the ground, Lauren runs over and starts beating jake with her purse

MicheLLETell us where Amir is!

LAURENWheres Amir?

Jake raises his hand in the air to try and deflect the purses

JAKEAhh! Youre hurting me!... Did you take my keys?

MiCHELLETell us wear Amir is!

JAKEAhh! Hes at some high school party, 11 Maple drive! This isnt funny okay, if I were a girl and two guys were beating me this would be legit messed up! This IS messed up!

Michelle and lauren walk down the street with jakes keys, michelle hits the unlock button and jakes car flashes in the distance

27.

JakE (CONTD)Are you stealing my car? You cant steal my car, my dads gonna be so pissed at me if you steal my car!

LaurenWhy would your dad be pissed at you if we stole YOUR car?

JAKECause he paid for half of it, alright! My dad helped pay for my car!

MICHELLEYour dad paid for half your car?

JAkeNot technically half of it, you know how they say a car loses half its value when you drive it off the lot? Well he paid for the full car, but I drove it off the lot and cut the value in half! In a lot of ways you might say he paid for the full car, but when I go to resell it for half the price, Ill give him 50% of the cash! I guess technically at that point hell have paid for 75% of the car!

LaurenIt sounds like he paid for the full car, but when you go to resell it hell let you keep some of the money.

JAKETo put towards my next car... which he, in all fairness, will also pay for half of! Weve got a real give and take relationship! The point is if I let you take my car, hell be pissed at me, he might even cancel my credit cards!

Lauren and michelle start walking towards jakes car

JAKE (CONTD)At least let me ride in the trunk!

28.

Cut to shot of jake lying scrunched up in the trunk of his car, lauren and michelle are looking down on him from outside of the trunk, lauren slams the trunk shut, jake is lying scrunched up in the trunk of the car, we hear lauren and michelle enter the car, turn the car on and begin to drive, the camera is still on jake in the trunk of the car, the camera then cuts o amir sitting in the middle of a couch, between scott and jody, party music in the background, everyone is holding a beer, we see a pair of legs in skinny jeans walk across the screen in the foreground

AMIR9! That was a 9!

JodyThat was a guy.

AMIRI knooow, but he could definitely PULL a 9... is what I meant.

ScoTTWere not rating guys dude, youre supposed to rate the girls.

Shot of overweight, unattractive girl, jody starts pointing at her

JODYWhat about her?

AMIR(nervously)

Uhh... 4- no 3.

JODY10.

ScotTShes a 10 dude, shes a straight fox. You should go talk to her.

AMIR(nervously)

Thats what I meant, I meant 3 plus 4... which is like... its almost 10.

JODYShes in college.

AMIRNoice! A college chica! An older woman.

29.

JODYDude, youre like 40.

AMIR(nervously)

Im 32. Did I not already mention that? I just meant shes older than everyone else here. Which is actually pretty embarrassing for her. I should go talk to her.

Travis walk into the frame, Amir goes to hand travis his beer

Amir (CONTD)(confidently)

Hold my beer pussy, Im gonna go talk to that dime piece over there! Get myself a piece of college pussy!

Amir lets go of his beer (intending for travis to hold it), travis lets the beer fall to the floor, travis punches amir in the side, Jody and scott start laughing

TRAVISThats my older sister, asshole!

Amir is on the floor holding his side where travis punched him

AMIR(clearly in pain)

Aaaahhhh! I know you didnt mean to, but you actually punched me in my spleen again. I think its legit broken.

TRAVISTell your spleen to stop being such a pussy.

AMIR(clearly in pain)

Definitely.

Amirs phone starts ringing, amir pulls his phone out of his pocket with one hand, holding his side where he got punched with the other hand

AMIR (CONTD)(clearly in pain)

Hold that thought for just one second.

30.

Amir stands up and walks out to the BACKPORCH to answer his phone

AMIR (CONTD)(excited)

Where you at with those lesbos, brotha!

Cut to jake in the trunk

JAKEAmir, they locked me in the trunk of my car!

Cut to amir on porch

AMIROoh, sounds kinky!

Cut to jake in the trunk

JAKENah dude, they beat me up, locked me in the trunk and stole my car!

Cut to amir on porch

AMIR(nonchalantly)

Chicks, dude.

Cut to jake in the trunk

JAKENow theyre coming to kick your ass dude.

Cut to amir on porch

AMIR(concerned)

Hah. Yeah right.

Cut to jake in the trunk

JAKENo Im serious, you gotta help me out when they get here, you gotta get me out of the trunk. You still have my set of spare keys that you stole, right?

Cut to amir on porch

31.

AMIR(sarcastically)

No, I threw those in the river with my wallet!

Cut to jake in the trunk

JAKEShit! Why? You idiot!

Cut to Amir

AMIRChill dude! I was being sarcastic. Youve gotta relax, brotha.

Cut to jake

JAKEYou gotta hide when they get here, then just use the auto unlock button on the keys to pop the trunk.

Cut to amir

AMIRYeah, like Im scared of these two prissy biches!

Cut to jake

JAKEAmir, I swear to god theyre gonna beat the shit out of you. They beat the shit out of me, kidnapped me and stole my car!

Cut to amir, he has a terrified look on his face

AMIR(pretending not to be frightened)

No worries, brotha.

JAKE (PHONE)Youve gotta stop calling me brotha, by the way.

AMIR(pretending not to be frightened)

Alright, talk to you soon, brotha.

32.

Amir hangs up the phone and puts it in his pocket

Amir (CONTD)Crap crap crap crap crap

Amir continues to say CRAP as he runs back inside to the party, he runs up to travis

AMIR (CONTD)Shit is about to get APE. Do you have any weapons? A water gun... uhhh a nerf gun... a shot gun?

TrAVIS(confused)

I have a paintball gun in my room.

AMIRThatll have to make due.

Amir runs up stairs into a hallway, runs into a room that is clearly a girls room, starts tearing the room apart, destroying things

AMIR (CONTD)Where are you hiding you piece of shit?

Cut to downstairs, a shot of the stairs, lamps are being thrown down the stairs, cut to amir

AMIR (CONTD)Thats how you know King Amir was here.

Cut back DOWSTAIRS to travis, jody and scott

TRAVISThat r-tard is destroying all my stuff.

Travis, scott and jody start running towards the stairs, rumbling is heard, a dresser comes crashing down the stairs, the dresser slams against the front door, cut to upstairs, amir rushes out of a destroyed girls room, across the hall into traviss room, amir tears the room apart until he finds the PAINTBALL gun, amir runs downs the stairs, climbs over the dresser, runs into the middle of the party and starts shooting the ceiling with a PAINTBALL gun, people start screaming

33.

AMIRCan I have your attention please, shit is about to get APE, so everyone needs to get the hell out! Im talking Dawn of the Planet of the Apes type shit in here!

Everyone stands in silence

AmIR (CONTD)I said get the hell out!

Amir starts shooting into the party, everyone starts screaming and running out the BACKDOOR, amir keeps shooting until only travis and amir are left, traviss sister runs up the stairs, gets halfway up the stairs

Traviss sisterIm calling the cops!

Traviss sister runs up the rest of the stairs, amir is alone with travis

34.

Fade to black

35.

Act 4

INT. TRAVISS LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Amir and travis are standing in traviss living room, amir is holding a PAINTBALL gun, travis is visibly angry

AmirIt looks like its just you and me Utus. Ive gotta be honest, you were my least favorite of the dog pack, but it means a lot that you stayed.

Travis roars in rage and starts CHARGIN towards amir, amir screams and fear and begins to run away, after a few seconds he starts shooting travis with PAINTBALLS

AmiR (CONTD)You Goddamn Utus! Goddamn you, Utus!

TrAVIS(in pain)

Ow! Shit!

Travis runs up stairs, off screen

TrAVIS (CONTD)Get the hell out of my house!

Amir takes out his phone, calls jake, cut to jake in trunk

JakE(desprate)

Amir?

Cut to Amir in the living room

AmIRIve got good news in bad news.

Cut to jake

JakeWhats the good news?

Cut to amir

AMIRIve got a gun.

Cut to jake

36.

JAKE(terrified)

Shit! Whats the bad news?

Cut to amir

AMIRIts just a frickin crappy paintball gun.

Cut to jake

JaKEThank god.

Cut to amir

AMIRThanks god? I wanna be give these fem-nazis a piece of my mind! POW! Pa-POw! Dead!

Cut to travis and Traviss sister UPSTARIS in a destroyed bedroom looking terrified, traviss sister has a phone in her hand, cut to jake in the trunk

JAKEDude, dont try and fight them or anything, just wait for them to get out of the car, unlock the trunk, give me the keys, and we drive away.

Cut to amir

AMIRNo can do Grafunkel. They messed with the wrong dynamic duo. Im about to go full ape on these chicks! Ive been Caesar all night, you know, being all diplomatic and SHIT, but Im about to go full on Koba, ape shit!

Cut to jake

JAKEAmir, I appreciate you having my back but-

Cut to amir

37.

AMIR(indignantly)

Do you trust me?

Cut to jake

JAKENo.

Cut to amir

AMIRYou know what, I cant take this shit right now. I gotta pre-game. Knick knack patty wack, this dog needs to smoke a bone.

Cut to jake

JAKESo youre a dog now? Cause just a few seconds ago you were telling me how you had gone full ape. So are you a dog or are you an ape?

Cut to amir

AMIRIm BOTH, dude. Im an ape-dog, alright? Is that cool with you?

Cut to jake

JakeIts not cool with me, cause an ape-dog isnt a real thing.

Cut to amir

AmirYes it is, were dogs who go ape together. Me and you, were both ape-dogs.

Cut to jake

JakeThats not a thing!

Cut to Amir

AMIRHold on, let me google it.

38.

Amir takes his phone away from his ear and starts GOOGLING something, amir plays with his phone for about 15 seconds

Amir (CONTD)Shit dude, Im back, and ape-dog is a real thing! I googled it and a picture of an ape with a dogs head popped it. I neeeed one.

Amir stops to consider life with ape-dog

AMIR (CONTD)No. I dont need one, I am one.

Cut to jake

JakeI googled it too, dude.

AMIR (PHONE)When?

JAKE While you were googling. I googled it too, and I see the picture, and Im pretty sure its photoshopped.

Cut to amir

AMIRI dont know dude, it looks pretty legit on my end. Maybe were just looking at different pictures.

Cut to jake

JAKEYeah it does look pretty legit, but Im pretty sure its fake, because an ape-dog isnt a real thing.

Cut to amir

AMIRI didnt think it was real either, but you know science and SHIT these days. I legit think its legit.

Cut to jake

JAKEYoure so stupid. Thats youre only defense? Science and shit?

(MORE)

39.

JAKE (CONTD)An ape-dog isnt real, and we arent ape-dogs, because ape-dogs arent real.

Cut to amir

AMIRWow. So you think Im stupid?

Cut to jake

JAKEOf course! I wouldnt be trapped in this trunk if you had just shown up to our date on time, or shown up at all for that matter. Id be at home getting laid right now!

AMIR (PHONE)We both would, wouldnt we?

JAKEWell, I would. But youre so stupid... youre so stupid you didnt even blow a date. Youre so stupid you couldnt even show up to a date.

AMIR (pHONE)Youve felt this way for years, havent you?

JAKEYES! I tell you this every day! Every day you do something stupid, and every day I have to explain to you how the entire world works.

Cut to amir

AMIRWell, maybe if we arent ape-dogs, then theres no reason for me to let you out of the trunk. And save your life from those fem-nazis. Or maybe theyre not fem-nazis, maybe theyre just misunderstood, and the people they thought were their dogs called them r-tards and threw rocks at them and you were a bad friend... to THEM and you deserve to be locked in the trunk of your own stolen car!

40.

Cut to jake, jake rolls his eyes, JAKES sighs in exasperation

JAKEI was wrong buddy.

Cut to amir

AMIRHow so?

Cut to jake

JAKEIm looking at the picture of the ape-dog and... I think its legit. I think ape-dogs are real, and if ape-dogs are real then were ape-dogs together.

Cut to amir, amir wipes away tears from his eyes, on the verge of crying

AMIRThat means alot Garfunkel. It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. Not that Id know, cause Ive never made any.

JAKE (PHONE)And I meant every word of it, Linda Marie Grossman.

AMIR(angry)

Call me a gross man one more time and I push your car into the river with you still in the trunk, you piece of shit!

JAKE (PHONE)You just called yourself that this morning!

JAKES car pulls into the drive way, amir sees them through the front window

AMIRMake excuses later. Theyre here.

Michelle and lauren park the car, cut to jake on the phone in the trunk

JAKEAmir, unlock the trunk.

41.

Cut to amir

AMIRTalk to you soon, Grafunkel.

Amir hangs up the phone and crouches down, michelle and lauren approach the front door and knock, amir remains silent, makes his way towards the back porch, cut to michelle and lauren at the front door

LaurENAre you sure this is the right address? He said there was supposed to be a party here.

MicHELLEI dont know, go ask that pussy we have locked in the trunk.

Michelle hands lauren the car keys, lauren starts walking back towards the car, when lauren is a few feet from the car she unlocks the car, Jake bursts out, lauren is surprised but starts beating jake with her purse, lauren grabs jake and pulls his arm behind his back

Jake(holding back the pain)

Ahh, shit, youre hurting me.

Shot of amir creeping along the side of the house, amir pops out from around the side of the house into the front yard

AmirLet Garfunkel go, fem-nazi scum!

Lauren turns to face amir with jake as her human shield, amir opens fire on lauren and begins to pelt jake with PAINTBALLS

JAKE(in agonizing pain)

Ahh! Amir stop! Youre hitting me!

Amir stops firing but keeps the gun at the ready, michelle runs from the door until she is behind jakes car, amir opens fire but only hits jakes car

JAKE (CONTD)Amir stop! Youre ruining the resale!

Lauren twists jakes arm

42.

JAKE (CONTD)(in agonizing pain)

Ahh, youre hurting me, I think I legit need to go to the hospital! My dads gonna be pissed if he has to pay for the emergency room and pay to get my car repainted!

Lauren twist JAKES arm more, Jake lets out a shriek and breaks free, lauren hits him with her bag, jake runs towards amir, amir opens fire on lauren, lauren runs behind the car

JAKE (CONTD)Amir, stop shooting my car! Its over! Amir, you wanted to save me and now Im saved.

AmIRNo I didnt, I wanted to show these fem-nazis the good ol American way.

JAKEFine, you did that. And you guys wanted to kick Amirs ass, but you cant, so just go home, and give me back my keys.

Cut to lauren and michelle behind jakes car, they look at EACHOTHER wondering what they should do

MicheLLE(speaking so Jake and Amir cant hear her)

We could charge them and steal the gun.

LAUREN(speaking so Jake and Amir cant hear her)

I dont know, I feel like Im over it at this point.

MICHELLE(speaking so Jake and Amir cant hear her)

Yeah, me too.

LAUREN(yelling so Jake and Amir can hear her)

Were done for the night.

43.

MICHELLE(yelling so Jake and Amir can hear her)

We dont care anymore, were just gonna go home.

Jake and Amir look at each other confused

JakeDo you need a ride... back to my place? We can still hook up, I dont care that you kidnapped me and beat me, I promise.

MICHELLEHell no, loser, but we are taking your car though.

JAKE(desparate)

Shit! Amir, lock the door!

Amir locks the door, Lauren unlocks the door, Amir locks the door again, the two of them go back and forth for about 15 seconds

MICHELLEI can just call Uber.

LaurenWhatever.

Lauren lobs the car keys towards jake and they land in the grass, lauren and michelle walk to the end of the driveway and down the street, cut back to jake and amir standing on lawn

Jake(to Amir)

Checkmate, bitches!

Amir(screaming so Lauren and Michelle can hear him)

Checkmate, bitches! Try that shit on my boy again and see what happens! Some ape type shit! You better run!

JAKE(to Amir)

Shut up, dude!

44.

Jake picks up his keys off the ground and starts running towards his car, lauren and michelle start running back up the driveway

Jake (CONTD)Amir, get in!

Amir starts running towards the car with the PAINTBALL gun

JAKE (CONTD)Leave the gun.

Amir drops the gun and enters the passenger side of the car, jake locks the door and drives past lauren and michelle, lauren and michelle hit the car with their purses

JAKE (CONTD)Their ruining the resale!

Jake backs out of the driveway, leaves lauren and michelle behind, jake starts driving down the street, police lights can be seen at the opposite end of the street making their way towards Traviss house

AmirShit. five-o, five-o. Floor it.

JAKEHah.

AMIRIm serious dude, theres an actual warrant out for my arrest.

JAKEWhy?

AMIRRemember that time at the river, with my cousin Leron?

JakeGod, I thought you were joking.

AMIRNo way, dude, I would never joke about that shit.

Jake drives until the cops are out of sight

AMIR (CONTD)Thank God. Do you mind if this dog gets his bone?

45.

JAKEDont hotbox my car. Youre such an asshole. Why are you even smoking so much? I swear youre doing it just to be an inconsiderate asshole.

AMIRIm an asshole?

JAKEYou hotboxed a bus this morning, you came to work high and now you want to hot box my car. Youve smoked more weed today than you have in the rest of your life. Just shut up.

The two sit in silence as jake drives for 10 seconds

AMIRJake?

46.

Fade to black

47.

Act 5 (end tag)

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Jake is sitting at his desk working, amir walks over to his desk

AmirI thought about what you said last night.

JAKEAbout what?

AMIRThat I have a smoking problem.

JAKEYoure gonna give up weed?

AMIRFrick no!

Amir pulls out a VAPE pen, amir takes a huge puff, amir climbs on top of his desk and gets close to jakes face, blows a cloud of vapor in jakes face

AMIR (CONTD)I started vaping!

Jake coughs

JAKEYoure such an asshole! And you cant do that in here!

AMIRYes I can, last time I checked there was no law against vaping in doors!

JAKENo but there are laws against smoking weed indoors and outdoors.

AMIRNot if you have a weed card!

JAKEDo you? Because I thought you threw your wallet in the river.

48.

AMIRI dont have one YET!

JAKEYou dont have one yet, so its not even an issue of you misplacing your weed card, you just dont have one.

AMIRYet!

JAKESo my point still stands that you dont have one.

AMIRHonestly dude, I dont even see how its any of your business, why do you even care what I do with my body? Gay much?

JAKEI dont care what you do with your body, I care that youve come to work high for 2 days in a row and you just blew vapor in my face, just to be an asshole! And by the way, even you did have a weed card, and you are allowed to vape indoors, its definitely against company policy to smoke weed while at work!

Amir takes a long puff on his VAPE pen (about 10 seconds), Jake sits waiting for a response

JAKE (CONTD)Nothing? No response to that?

Amir climbs onto the desk and blows more vapor into jakes face.

49.

Roll credits