2015 Statewide Parental Involvement Conference

December 10 - 12, 2015

PRESENTERS: Fred Martinez and Donna Heiser (Educational Consultants – Region 18 ESC)

TITLE of PRESENTATION: Do You Want to Control Your Children or Do You Want Their Cooperation?

DESCRIPTION: The focus of this session is to help parents communicate with their children in a more positive and respectful manner with principles that will enrich parenting skills. OBJECTIVES: In this session the participants will learn:

• How to communicate with your child in a positive and respectful manner by using the “Ask Don’t Tell” (REFLECT ACTIVITY – Feeling/Thinking/Doing)

• How to identify the commonly used “Five Barriers” to communication and replace them with the “Five Builders” (REFLECT/ACTIVITY)

• Helpful hints for “Empowering” vs “Enabling” ( EXAMPLES/DISCUSSION) • Why it is better to use “Encouragement” vs “Praise” (EXAMPLES/DISCUSSION) • RESOURCES

Quote: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” Frederick Douglas

Resource Credits:

• Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way by Jane Nelsen, Ed. D, M.F.T. and Lynn Lott, M.A., M.F.T.

• BOOK: Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World by H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen, Ed. D, M.F.T.

• www.positivediscipline.com • Amy McCready – Founder of “Positive Parenting Solutions”

Resource Credits: • BOOK – Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World by H.

Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen, Ed. D, M.F.T. • DEVELOPING CAPABLE PEOPLE PROGRAM: H. Stephen Glenn • www.empoweringpeople.com

FIVE BARRIERS:

• ASSUMING -- in ways that limit their abilities • RESCUING or EXPLANING - discouraging problem

solving and keeping them from experiencing natural consequences

• DIRECTING – form of nagging and conveying to the person that they can’t think for himself/herself that leads to passive aggressive behaviors

• EXPECTING -- too much too soon and judging them for what they are not capable of doing

• USING ADULTISMS -- occurs any time an adult forgets what it is like to be a child and uses the language of disrespect (i.e., “Why can’t you ever? How come you never? When will you ever grow up? Surely you realize!”

FIVE BUILDERS:

There are five (5) distinct builders to counteract the barriers:

• CHECKING – for understanding or how much they know • EXPLORING – their plans first before you jump in and rescue

them • INVITING – encourage kids by treating them as assets…not

objects • CELEBRATING – always look for improvement…not

perfection • RESPECT – always use the language of respect and honor

ACTIVITY 2: Review the Barriers and Builders in depth and determine the areas that “YOU” need improvement. (If not comfortable use your neighbor as examples.) How does this look in a classroom? BARRIER 1: ASSUMING in WAYS THAT LIMIT Key Points:

BARRIER 1: ASSUMING Key Points

• We all require making assumptions about people without background

information. • Assuming wrongly always leads to anger and frustration. • Unhealthy assumptions is when we assume:

how they will think how they will respond what they can or can’t do WHY do we do this? We do it out of expediency as it saves time vs checking Example: Helen Keller and Ann Sullivan

• It is better to assume nothing than to assume the wrong thing. • Example: Think of how you would feel if someone said, “I did not tell

you about ___________ because it you always get upset. • Example: You always ________ or You never __________

\

BUILDER 1: CHECKING (WHY?) Key Points:

• By checking it allows one to learn how much understanding people have

and how capable they are. • Active checking aids us in helping our students develop their perceptions

and discover their capabilities. • When we take time to check, we are saying that we respect the fact that

the person is capable of making their own decision or how they feel about something.

• Rule of thumb is to always take time (= patience) and respectful dialogue vs. assuming.

• Checking is the logical alternative to assuming, and it works to advantage in all relationships, not merely those involving parents and children.

• Example: When a kid comes to complain about another student or sibling ask “Are you looking for blame or are you looking for a solution? Then help them with exploring a solution. “Exploring”

BARRIER 2: RESCUING or EXPLANING

Key Points:

• Too often parents or teachers step in prematurely to take care of something for children that they have not yet learned to deal with for themselves instead of allowing them go through experience.

• Or, we step in and provide an explanation for them instead of helping them discover the meaning of an event for themselves.

• People are too quick to take care of things for others are called RESCUERS and/or ENABLERS

• Avoid Examples: “This is what happened.” “This is what you had better do to fix it.” These statements imply “SHUT UP DUMMY you can’t figure things out for yourself.”

• Do you think such statements encourage children to know they are capable and significant? Of course not!

• Adults must teach life skills that would enable them to be successful. Examples: (Finances/home chores/cooking & preparing meals etc.)

• When do we rescue someone? After we have explored that they have exhausted their resources and abilities. Even then we use these as teaching moments through the EIAG (problem-solving) process.

BUILDER 2: EXPLORING

Key Points: • Helping a child explore will develop a child’s confidence by naturally

being engaged in problem solving. • It is destructive to expect a child to see what we see rather than exploring

what they see from their own perspective and understanding. • When we try to help someone with a problem, relationship, challenge,

concern or a setback, ask following examples of reflective/exploring questions: “What is your understanding of what happened?” “What might have caused that to happen?” “What could you do next time so this will not happen again?” “Are you going to let his challenge hold you back?” “What can you think of to repair this relationship?” “How is what you are doing going to do help you resolve this challenge?” “Are you making a friend or pushing a friend away?” “What type of impression are you making on people when ______? “How may I help you without me solving the problem for you?”

• OUR PATIENCE in exploring conveys this message: I see within you the capabilities to master situations and gain understanding. And rather than preempt you with my impatience, I will take the time to allow you to discover your own problems solving abilities or solutions to the situation/problem.

BARRIER 3: DIRECTING

Key Points:

• Directing is another behavior born out of expediency. • It is much easier to step in and tell children to do things our way than to

invite their participation and contributions and accept that they might do things differently.

• QUOTE: You include (empower) them from in the planning or problem solving process, they become your partner. If you exclude them, they become your judge or you don’t get the buy in.

• Think of a school setting…What happens when you are directed on how to run the school or deal with an issue or concerns that comes up vs encouraging you or inviting you to be part of the solution.

BUILDER 3: ENCOURAGING/INVITING

Key Points:

• Obviously when people are encouraged or encouraged to contribute, they are generally willing, cooperative, and responsive.

• Children feel encouraged when we seen them: As assets rather than objects When we regard mistakes as opportunities to learn rather

than as failures When we invite participation and contributions vs directing

and demanding compliance • EXAMPLE: Try saying this: “We are at the end of class, so anything

you can do to help put the room in order for the next class will be greatly appreciated.”

• Handout (Review the difference between praising and encouragement.)

BARRIER 4: EXPECTING TOO MUCH TOO SOON Key Points:

• Having high expectations is good but; so long as they treated with the

attitude of possibilities and opportunities are viewed as learning experiences especially when they screw up. (The attitude of patience and optimism is a must.)

• They are not to point out children’s inadequacies or make them conditions for acceptance.

• Doing this will discourage and cause destructive experiences. • The barrier of expecting too much too soon is rooted in lack of respect for

the growth process and impatience with children’s shortcomings. • Do not judge a child from their lack of experiences and/or lack of

opportunities to learn a skill.

BUILDER 4: CELEBRATING Key Points:

• When we are quick to celebrate any movement in the right direction we

get more results. • When complimenting someone, leave out the BUT… it counter acts your

compliment. • Ask yourself…. “Are you looking for perfection or are you looking for

improvement?” • When we focus on the negative instead of the positive, what does that

convey to our students? (They stop trying: Their perception is….Why bother if anything they do will not please you.)

• When we set high expectations for someone and then point out their deficiencies, we discourage them and destroy their spirit.

• Someone with a hurting spirit looses hope! • We all need to celebrate our own incremental successes as we go through

life as well as our students.

BARRIER 5: USING ADULTISMS Key Points:

Examples

• A Spousism is committed when one spouse requires another spouse to think, understand, see, and do things exactly as he or she does. “You knew what I wanted!” “You should have known what I wanted!” “If you really cared I would not have to tell you!”

• A Supervisorism occurs when a supervisor holds subordinates accountable for having all the supervisor’s expert knowledge: “Surely you realize…”You know what we were expecting…”

• A Teacherism happens in the classroom when educators master’s or Phd.

assume that students comprehend the information then may ask for an opinion, “Why is that important?” and then only allow only one right answer.

• Adultisms occurs any time an adult forgets what is like to be a child and then expects, demand, and requires of the child, who never has been an adult, to think, act, understand, see, and do things as an adult.

• The above statements sets up unrealistic expectations.

• Language of adultisms:

WHY CAN’T YOU EVER? HOW COME YOU NEVER? SURELY YOU REALIZE? HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? (50X) WHEN WILL YOU EVER GROW UP? WHY CAN’T YOU CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM? (Adult forgot to be what its like be a child)

BUILDER 5: RESPECT Key Points

• The language of respect is:

>What is your understanding of… >Let me be sure I understand… >Under what circumstances would you need to check with me? GIVING STUDENTS CHOICES with RESPECT: >What would work best for you...Choice 1_____or Choice 2 _____ >Feel free to Choice 1_____ or Choice 2 _____ >What would make you feel more comfortable Choice 1_____ or Choice 2 _____

• Children cannot expect to gain wisdom as long as they are afraid to have the experience if we have to analyze the situation for them.

• To avoid adultisms we must refrain from using all the other barriers. • Always be aware of your “Paraverbals.” (Not what you say but how

you say it.

ACTIVITY 3. – Putting It All Together: Read and discuss/reflect how you might change your statements to help make the child feel capable. SITUATION: Suppose a four-year old child becomes stuck when her tricycle wheel runs off the sidewalk. The following BARRIER statements are examples of how an adult would make the child feel that they are incapable. DIRECTING: “Don’t just sit there and cry. Get off and push the tricycle back on the sidewalk.” Directing children through each step instead of exploring how a task can be accomplished sends the message that children are incapable of doing the task on their own without specific directions. EXPLAINING: “That’s what happens when you don’t watch where you are going. Get off and push your tricycle back onto the sidewalk.” Explaining what happened and how to fix it, instead of helping children examine and analyze their own problems, is neglecting the opportunity to foster the perception that the children are capable. RESCUING: “Don’t cry, honey. I’ll fix it for you.” If we rush in and save our children, we are telling them they are incapable of taking care of their lives. By allowing them to take the consequences of their actions, we are telling them they are capable of handling both the behavior and consequences. ASSUMING: “Be sure you don’t let your wheel come off the edge of the sidewalk, because your bike will get stuck.” This remark reflects a combination of barriers. Assuming that the child will not stay away from the edge of the sidewalk led to a form of directing. And directing involved an attempt to rescue the child in advance. Assuming keeps us from letting the child ride down the sidewalk and discover the problem. These barriers create an extremely frustrating experience for children. USING ADULTISMS: “You knew you were supposed to keep the handlebars straight. How come you never keep your eyes on the sidewalk? Why can’t you ever do it right? Surely you realize what will happen if you don’t! When will you ever listen?” Children feel personally attacked by adultisms, because this types of remarks implies “Well, I should have known you weren’t big enough to ride by yourself yet.” In short, by attacking the person and failing to point to the problem instead of exploring the problem, adults make children feel worthless incapable. BUILDER: Appropriate response would be: “Whoops! Honey, what do you think would happen if you got off your tricycle and backed it up? Initially that question may seem very similar to explaining or directing, but there is a difference. The final answer must come from Linda after she pauses to answer the question. She may think of an appropriate answer to find out what to do next time. This is helping her to EXPLORE a solution.

ACTIVITY 4: Continue to Review the next KEY POINT comments:

1. The components in all the barriers and builders are either negative or positive attitudes. 2. The attitudes in barriers are always disrespectful and demeaning. 3. The tone in our voices (how you say it) will determine how a child will feel capable or incapable. (Paraverbals include tone/level of sound) ACTIVITY 5: – ZINGERS and ZAPPERS – BARRIERS: Ask for a volunteer to role play a child to experience the barrage of barrier statements. The volunteer will sit in a chair and other volunteers will make barrier statements with much anger, frustration, and/or resentment in a loud tone of voice. 1. “HOW MANY TIME DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?” 2. “WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GROW UP?” 3. “IT NEVER FAILS….YOU NEVER DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO!” 4. “WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER/SISTER?” 5. “DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING?” 6. “CAN’T YOU FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF?” 7. “YOU NEVER CAN LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES….WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” 8. “YOU NEVER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING!” 9.. “NEXT TIME I WILL JUST DO IT MYSELF….THIS WAY YOU WILL SAVE ME THE FRUSTRATION FOR HAVING TO CLEAN UP YOUR MISTAKES!” 10. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” 11. “I GUESS I CAN’T EXPECT ANYTHING GOOD FROM YOU!”

14. “I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE LET YOU TRY IT!” 15. BIG SIGH, DEEP BREATH, SHOULDERE SHURG and say……WHY ME LORD! Why are you punishing me LORD ACTIVITY 6: Discuss and Reflect Summary Statements

The consequences of using the BARRIER behaviors undermine a child’s:

• Self-confidence • Closeness and trust with the teacher/parent/any adult • Respect for the teacher/parent/any adult • Initiative to try more challenging tasks • Keeps students from trying (WHY TRY?) • Initiative to complete their work or stay on task

Negative Perceptions and Behaviors Created by BARRIERS:

• Resentment—“This is not fair and I can’t trust adults.” • Revenge—“They are winning now, but I’ll get even.” • Creates a learned helplessness mentality • Adults view people/children as OBJECTS (Done to – Excessive control,

directing, lecturing, demanding, and punishing) • Adults view people/children as RECEPIENTS (Done for – Excessive

rescuing, permissiveness, explaining, indulging, and overprotection • Passive Aggressive behaviors –Will do the least or minimum amount of

work just to agitate the adult or just to push your (teacher/parent) buttons • Rebellion—“I’ll do just the opposite to prove I don’t have to do it their

(parent/teacher) way.” • Retreating Behaviors:

Sneakiness—“I won’t get caught next time.” Perception of an unhealthy self-esteem—“I am a bad, stupid,

and/or evil person.”

ACTIVITY 7: RESOLUTION FROM GUIDED CLOSURE: RRR Process Reflect/Record/Share Step 1: “The most important thing I have learned in this session is: ____________ __________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________.” RRS Step 2: “The reason or reasons this is particularly important tom me at this moment is: _______________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________.” RRS Step 3: “As a result of going through this session, the first specific thing I will DO is: _______________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________.” RRS

Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen

HELPFUL HINTS FOR EMPOWERING VS. ENABLING by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen 

 We have become vividly aware of how skilled most of us are in using enabling responses with our children, and how unskilled we are in using empowering responses.  Our definition of enabling is, ʺGetting between young people and life experiences to minimize the consequences of their choices.ʺ Enabling responses include:  

1. DOING TOO MUCH FOR THEM: Doing things for kids that they could do for themselves, (bailing them out after bawling them out). “I can’t believe you have procrastinated again. What will ever become of you? Okay, I’ll do it this time, but next time you’ll just have to suffer the consequences.” 

 2. GIVING THEM TOO MUCH: Buying everything they want, cell phones, 

cars, insurance, clothes you can’t afford, CDs, junk food. “Honey, I thought you would do your homework after I bought you a car, a cell phone, clothes I can’t afford, and gave you a big allowance.” 

 3. BRIBING AND/OR REWARDING. “You can have a new CD, allowance, 

cell phone, if you do your homework.”  

4. OVERPROTECTING : What to wear, when to wear coats so they won’t get cold (as if they are too stupid to know or to learn on their own), picking their friends, extreme fear of danger. “Honey, you hurry and do as much as you can now while I pick out your clothes, and warm up the car so you won’t be cold when I drive you to school.” 

 5. HOVERING: Doing their laundry, waking them up in the morning, 

making their lunches, driving them places when they could walk or ride a bike, excusing them from helping the family because they have homework. “I just don’t understand. I excused you from chores, I woke you up early, I drove you everywhere so you would have more time, I made your lunches. How could this be?”  

 

Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen

6. LYING FOR THEM:  Excuses to the teacher, writing notes when they just slept in, I won’t tell Dad/Mom.  “Okay, I’ll write a note to the teacher that you were sick this morning, but you’ll need to be sure and catch up.” 

 7. PUNISHING/CONTROLLING: Grounding, taking away privileges, 

creating your agenda for them. “Well then, you are grounded and you lose all your privileges, no car, no TV, no friends, until it is done.”  

 8. WHAT AND HOW LECTURES:  Telling them what happened, what 

caused it to happen, how they should feel, and what they should do about it. “Well, no wonder. I saw you wasting your time on the boob tube and spending too much time with your friends and sleeping in. You should feel ashamed of yourself. You’d better shape up or you’ll be shipping out to live on the streets like a bum.” 

 9. HOW, WHAT, AND WHY CAN’T YOU LECTURES: “How many times 

have I told you to get your homework done early?” “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”  “Why can’t you be more responsible?” “What will become of you?” 

 10. BLAMING AND SHAMING: “How could you ever do such a thing?”  

“How come you always forget and never get your homework done?” “I can’t believe you would be so lazy.” 

 11. LIVING IN DENIAL: “My child could never do such a thing.” Being 

oblivious to the cultural mores regarding sex and drugs. Believing things are dangerous without educating yourself. “Well, honey, I’m sure you don’t really need to do homework. It is a stupid thing for teachers to expect. You are smart enough to do just fine without it.” 

 12. RESCUING/FIXING: Buying new things to replace what a child loses, 

hiring lawyers, staying up late to help with (or doing) last minute homework. “I’ll hurry and do it for you while you get dressed and eat your breakfast. Sorry I won’t be able to fix bacon, eggs, and waffles. I’m sure you’ll do your homework tomorrow.” 

 Our definition of empowering is turning over control to your kids so they have power over their own lives.  The following suggestions are possibilities that can be used in response to the neglected homework challenge:  

Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen

1. SHOW FAITH: ʺI have faith in you. I trust you to figure out what you need. I know that when itʹs important to you, youʹll know what to do.ʺ  2. RESPECT PRIVACY: ʺI respect your privacy and want you to know Iʹm available if you want to discuss this with me.ʺ  3. EXPRESS YOUR LIMITS:  Share what you think, how you feel, and what you want without lecturing, moralizing, insisting on agreement, or demanding that anyone give you what you want.  “Iʹm not willing to go to school to bail you out. When your teacher calls, Iʹll hand the phone to you or tell her sheʹll need to discuss it with you.ʺ A respectful attitude and tone of voice is essential.  4. LISTEN WITHOUT FIXING, DISCOUNTING, OR JUDGING: ʺI would like to hear what this means for you.ʺ  5. CONTROL YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR: ʺIʹm willing to take you to the library when we come to an agreement in advance for a convenient time, but Iʹm not willing to get involved at the last minute.ʺ ʺIf you need my help with your homework, please let me know in advance.ʺ  6. DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT. “I’m available to help with homework between 7:00 and 8:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I won’t be available to help with last minute projects. If you’d like, I can teach you time management skills or show you how to set up a routine.”  7.  FOLLOW THROUGH WITH KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS. “I can see you are stressed about waiting until that last minute. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I’ll be available Tuesdays and Thursdays from 7:00 to 8:00.”  8. LETTING GO OF THEIR ISSUES WITHOUT ABANDONING THEM: ʺI hope youʹll go to college, but Iʹm not sure itʹs important to you.  I’m happy to talk about your thoughts or plans about college anytime you like.ʺ  9. AGREEMENT NOT RULES: ʺCould we sit down and see if we can work on a plan regarding homework that we both can live with? Let’s put that on the agenda for the family meeting so we can work on an agreement.”  10. LOVE AND ENCOURAGE: ʺI love you just the way you are and respect you to choose what is right for you.ʺ  

Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen

11. ASK FOR HELP: ʺI need your help. Can you explain to me why it isnʹt important to you to do your homework?ʺ  12. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS: Share your truth by using the ʺI feel ______ because _______  and I wish ______ʺ process without expecting anyone else to feel the same or grant your wish. This is a great model for children to acknowledge their feelings and wishes without expectations. ʺI feel upset when you donʹt do your homework because I value education so much, and think it could be very beneficial to you in your life and I really wish you would do it.”  13. JOINT PROBLEM‐SOLVING: ʺWhat is your picture of what is going on regarding your homework? Would you be willing to hear my concerns? Could we brainstorm together on some possible solutions?ʺ  14. RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION: ʺIʹm feeling too upset to talk about this right now. Letʹs put it on the agenda for the family meeting so we can talk about it when Iʹm not so emotional.ʺ  15. INFORMATION VS. ORDERS: ʺI notice you spend a lot of time watching television and talking on the phone during the time you have set aside for homework.ʺ ʺI notice you often leave your homework until the last minute and then feel discouraged about getting it done.ʺ  16. ENCOURAGE LEARNING FROM MISTAKES: “I can see that you feel bad about getting that poor grade. I have faith in you to learn from this and figure out what you need to do to get the grade you would like.”  As you look at the list of enabling responses and the list of empowering responses can you see how easy it could be to role‐play based on your own experience with all the enabling behaviors? Do you, on the other hand, feel a lack of experience and skills in the empowering responses?  

COMMENTS: These empowering statements and actions may not seem as powerful as they are to parents who are used to the short‐range outcomes of controlling, rescuing or abandoning. The difficult part for parents is that turning power over to children often leads to mistakes and failure. It is only when we understand that learning from mistakes and failure is an important part of a successful life process will we also understand the importance of using these empowering statements and actions. 

Research by Carol Dweck, Ph.D. a professor at Columbia University, has now proven what Adler taught years ago. Praise is not good for children. Praise can create “approval junkies” instead of children with enhanced self-esteem. Dweck has also found that praise can hamper risk taking. Children who were praised for being smart when they accomplished a task chose easier tasks in the future. They didn’t want to risk making mistakes. On the other hand, children who were “encouraged” for their efforts were willing to choose more challenging tasks when given a choice.

All of the Positive Discipline books teach the value of encouragement instead of praise. Following is an excerpt from Positive Discipline on the difference between praise and encouragement.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN PRAISE AND ENCOURAGEMENT1

Praise Encouragement Dictionary Definition

1. To express favorable judgment of 2. To glorify, especially by attribution of perfection 3. An expression of approval

1.To inspire with courage 2. To spur on: stimulate

Addresses

The doer; “Good Girl.”

The deed; “Good job.”

Recognizes

Only complete, perfect product; “You did it right.”

Effort and improvement: “You gave it your best.” Or, “How do you feel about what you accomplished?”

Attitude

Patronizing, manipulative: “I like the way Suzie is sitting.”

Respectful, appreciative: “Who can show me how we should be sitting now?”

“I” message

Judgmental: “I like the way you did that.”

Self-directing: “I appreciate your cooperation.”

Used most often with

Children: “You’re such a good girl.”

Adults: “Thanks for helping.”

Examples

“I’m proud of you for getting an A” (Robs person of ownership of own achievement.)

“That A reflects your hard work.” (Recognizes ownership and responsibility for effort.)

Invites

Children to change for others. “Approval junkies”

Children to change for themselves. “Inner direction.”

Locus of control

External: “What do others think?”

Internal: “What do I think?”

Teaches

What to think. Dependence on the evaluation of others.

How to think. Self –evaluation.

Goal

Conformity. “You did it right.”

Understanding. “What do you think/learn/feel?”

Effect on sense of worth

Feel worthwhile when others approve

Feel worthwhile without the approval of others

Long-term effect

Dependence of others

Self-confidence, self-reliance.

1 From Positive Discipline in the Classroom Teacher’s Guide, by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott, www.empoweringpeople.com

As a parent, I find it nearly impossible not to lavish praise on my kid. I mean, he does something kind, considerate, empathetic, helpful – and “you’re such a good boy/sweet boy/smart boy” just flies out of my mouth! I wrestle with “good job” on a daily basis. But there is more and more parenting wisdom that points us away from over-praising our children in hopes that they will have an easier time grappling with failure, perfectionism and the like. We reached out to Amy McCready, author and oft-featured parenting expert to give us some tips on how to cork our own over-praising tendencies and give our kids a solid sense of self-worth without needing to hear how great they are all the time. — Sam Kurtzman-Counter, Exec VP of TMC

By Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions

“I’m so proud of you!” “You are such a good boy!” “You’re so smart!” “You were awesome!” “You are such an amazing artist!”

Admit it, you have uttered statements like these to your child. It’s good parenting, right? You’re showing your approval and it makes your child feel good. When they feel better about themselves, they’re more confident and they’ll grow up to be independent, successful adults… or so the thinking goes.

Actually, while parents who praise their children have all the right intentions, the underlying result from the praise is a child who begins to need, crave and even depend on praise for their motivation, and the “praise junkie” habit is formed.

The praise junkie is a person (kid or grown up) who needs consistent affirmation from others to feel confident in his or her own ability or choices. Younger praise junkies may seek approval from parents and teachers. “Do you like my painting, Daddy?” “Was that a good shot?”

As kids get older, the praise junkie will turn to the peer group for approval, which is not what most parents hope for.

Praise junkie kids eventually become high maintenance employees -– needing ongoing awards, “at-a-boys” and recognition to affirm that he or she is doing a good job. Fortune 500 companies grapple with how to motivate praise-seeking employees. Ron Alsop, author of “The Trophy Kids Grow Up,” says that “Millennials (born after 1980) seek loads of attention and guidance from employers. An annual or even semiannual evaluation isn’t enough. They want to know how they’re doing weekly, even daily.”

What can you do to avoid raising a praise junkie? Here are three key steps:

1. Shift the focus from external to internal motivation.

When your child says,”Do you like my painting, Mommy?” Respond with, “Well, it’s more important how YOU feel about it. What do YOU like about your painting?”

Instead of letting “I’m so proud of you” roll off your tongue, instead say, “You must be so proud of YOURSELF!”

It’s fine that they know you’re proud of them, but it’s more important that they be proud of themselves. We want to instill in them the internal pride and motivation to take on new challenges, to work hard and to make their own decisions even if it is counter to the pressure of the peer group.

It may feel awkward at first when parents say, “You must be proud of yourself,” but you’ll notice your child beam with pride – from the inside!

2. Focus on the process versus the “end product.”

Pay less attention to the end product -– the ‘A’ on the science test, the goal she scored, the “amazing” painting — and focus on the process it took to get that.

For example: Instead of saying, “Wow you got an ‘A’ in science!” -– say, “Wow, you must have put in a lot of hard work and study time.” (Again, it’s great to get A’s, but how will your son feel if he works like crazy, but brings home a ‘C’ in Spanish? Should he feel bad about that if he did his very best?)

Parents should focus on the process -– the hard work and perseverance, especially when things get tough. Encouraging those qualities can help all kids to feel good on the inside -– not dependent on others for approval.

3. Avoid Labels – positive or negative.

Most parents know that negative labels are discouraging to kids. However, to avoid raising praise junkies, parents should also avoid positive labels. Labels like smart, pretty and athletic are external labels that put unnecessary pressure on kids to always live up to those labels.

Dr. Carol Dweck’s Columbia University research on the impact of praise concluded that when kids were labeled as “smart,” they felt the pressure to protect their “smart” label. In her study, the children in the “smart” control group were less likely to take on challenging problems for fear they would compromise their “smart” label. On the flip side, students who were encouraged for their hard work were willing to take on more challenging tasks and even enjoyed trying to come up with new solutions.

It’s best to stay away from labels all together. When you’re tempted to use a label, think about the qualities or traits that make up that label and encourage that in your child. For example: “That’s what I call perseverance!”

Parents should also avoid the over-used “good boy” or “good girl.” Instead, focus on the specific behaviors that you value. “I really appreciate the way you offered to help without being asked. That made my job a lot easier.” Or, if the behavior wasn’t appropriate, talk specifically about that behavior instead of labeling the child as “bad” or “naughty.”

All parents want kids to be capable, confident and motivated. However, praising kids too much can have the opposite effect. A good rule for parents to live by is to treat praise like candy – a small amount is fine, but a steady diet can be toxic.

Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and the author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time… Amy reaches a worldwide audience with her online parenting course, articles, speeches, live webinars, and media appearances, including The TODAY Show, Rachael Ray, MSNBC, Fox & Friends, ABC News, Sirius XM Radio, and is a regular parenting contributor for the TODAY Mom Blog (where this advice previously appeared). For more strategies to get kids to listen without nagging, reminding or yelling, follow Positive Parenting Solutions on Facebook.

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Posted in: Emotions, Expert Advice, Learn, Modern Parenting - See more at: http://www.themotherco.com/2011/08/how-to-avoid-raising-a-praise-junkie/#sthash.3NuacVzO.dpuf