issue no. 19/4 october - december 2019 there are no...
TRANSCRIPT
S E Q U O I A C L U B
October - December 2019 1
Website: www.sosbsa.org.au Email: [email protected]
Facebook: SOSBSA Mail: P.O. Box 334
Springwood Qld 4127
This story is written based on my personal experience after the suicide of my husband in 2005:
The sun brightly peeks through the window shade in my bedroom. It must be late morning. I lie still. Getting get up requires more strength than I have. It’s been days, weeks, or months. My brain is foggy. With great effort, I pull myself out of bed and grab the crumpled clothes off the dusty floor and put them on. On autopilot, I head downstairs, snatch up my keys and purse and find my way to the car. It seems to have a built-in sensor and gets me to my destination.
I squint from the bright lights and put on my sunglasses. I walk past several people. I’m unrecognizable. I want it that way. My hat and glasses hide my identity. As I walk, I hope the reason I’m here emerges. Feeling dizzy, I stop. A grumbling sound roars and a sudden uncomfortable movement rattles my stomach. I grab a bottle of water and sip. It’s hunger, again. I deny it. No morsel of food has touched my mouth in days. Only deprivation satiates me.
I hear voices and remember the night my house was crowded with people.
Some I knew, others I didn’t. Their faces were plastered with strange looks and their voices sounded hypnotic. It seemed to be a masquerade party. I closed my eyes and imagined them away, but they were still there when I opened them. Shock vibrated within my bones.
Someone suddenly bumps me and my water spills. The memory fades. I continue to walk. I finally remember why I’m here. For chalk and an eraser. I find them and make my way to the cashier. I place the items on the belt. “$11.47 please.” I don’t move. A man yells, “Lady, I’m in a hurry.” I’m unable to focus. Again, “Lady, what’s your problem? Cashier, get this crazy lady moving.”
The cashier says, “Can you please pay? And sir, please calm down.” I fumble to find my credit card.
As I walk to my car, I hear a voice, “take my hand, I can help.” “No, I angrily respond. You can’t. No one can. No one understands. Didn’t you see how I was treated?”
The voice responds, “Don’t think that you can take an eraser and wipe away your pain and then rewrite what happened.” “You have suffered great tragedy, but I am here to help. You can take my hand and make me your friend, or you can make me your enemy. If I am your enemy, you will live with bitterness and anger and stay stuck in negativity. As your friend, I will help you understand your pain and sorrow. There is no time limit. Everyone processes his or her experience differently. If you trust the process you will heal. The choice is yours. You can’t deny me. I am “GRIEF.” My hand extends and I say, “I am ready. I can’t face my husband’s suicide alone. I need help.”
“Yes, but you must remember, there are no rewrites, only new beginnings.”
Issue No. 19/4 October - December 2019
Caring, Support, Awareness, Education
Telephone: 1300 767 022
There Are No Rewrites, Only New Beginnings - Robin Chodak July 21, 2019
2 October - December 2019
Hi everyone and welcome to the last newsletter for 2019. Christmas Social Get Together Our 2019 Christmas social get together is scheduled for Sunday 24th November. Details are on page 5. Hope to see you there. This newsletter This newsletter brings us to the Christmas season. Please know that this time of year is hard for all of us. The empty seat, the missing smile and hugs. The laughter and joy we feel forever tainted by our loss. We want you all to know you are not alone in this. Each year we provide advice / ideas on how to cope, this year is no different. I have also included an article from Robin Chodak titled “There are no rewrites only new beginnings”. While you may be too raw in your grief to see it now, we wish for you many new beginnings and I hope and pray that this Christmas period you are able to find some peace amongst your grief. Postvention Australia National Reference Group Please find the media release following the PVA meeting with the Federal Government. We are continuing to work toward developing a national strategy, more updates as they are available. Membership If you aren’t yet a financial member I’d like to encourage you to join us. Our association is run completely by volunteers and we don’t receive any on-going funding. We rely completely on our membership fees and donations to operate and provide support to those who need us. To vote or stand office you must be a financial member. Newsletters If any of you would like to share your own story of life after your loss, please write to us at [email protected]. We would love to hear from you, and share your story, so please make sure you include your permission to publish your story if that’s what you want.
Fundraising We are always looking for ways to raise funds, so if anyone has any ideas for fundraising please let us know. If you wish to make a donation or become a member, you can do so on our website at www.sosbsa.org.au under ‘about us’. All donations of $2 and over are tax deductible. Take care and be kind to yourself
Presidents Report - Cherrie Cran
S E Q U O I A C L U B
October - December 2019 3
STOP PRESS Members Needed
One of the things we have always prided ourselves on is that we do not require anyone who uses our service to pay in any way, we never actively encourage membership subscription, we have always left it optional. Now as then, we still understand if people do not wish to become a member, our service still remains free and accessible.
There is also the dreaded if ‘I become a member they will want to put me to work on the committee or something.’ Well fresh ideas are always welcome but membership has no strings attached.
This drive is about two things,
1. We have been lucky of the years in being able to access grants and donations to cover our
operating costs, we have also embraced the digital age to dramatically reduce our overheads
and making our fundraising efforts go further. We receive no government or recurrent funding,
so everything we do is paid for with membership dues and donations.
2. This year we turn twenty-one, yes quite an achievement. Over those years this little organisation
from Brisbane has helped directly and indirectly thousands of people from all walks of life, we
created a web presence which became a resource, we published numerous informational
booklets and fact sheets, we have held forums and peer support and help lines. We have given
“punching above our weight” a new meaning. To be taken more seriously and to expand our
reach we need a broader membership base to support us.
So please, help us to continue helping you, please consider becoming a member!!!
4 October - December 2019
Other S.O.S.B.S.A. Support Group Meetings
Disclaimer: Unless expressly stated, the views expressed in articles, poetry etc in this newsletter are not
necessarily the views of SOSBSA. Any articles, poems, quotes that are stated as ‘author unknown’ within this
newsletter are reproduced in good faith and do not intentionally contravene copyright laws.
Brisbane Support Group (473 Annerley Road Annerley)
Friday fortnightly at 7:30pm
October – 4, 18 November – 1, 15, 29
December – 13, 27
Contact: Cherrie 0423 567 055
Disclaimer: Unless expressly stated, the views expressed in articles, poetry etc in this newsletter are not
necessarily the views of SOSBSA. Any articles, poems, quotes that are stated as ‘author unknown’ within this
newsletter are reproduced in good faith and do not intentionally contravene copyright laws.
Membership
Pensioner / Student $20
Adult member $30
Family $50
Not-For-Profit Org. $50
Affiliate Business $100
You are now able to do this all online: www.sosbsa.org.au (About us tab/Membership)
or contact [email protected]
Memberships help pay for printing, copying, mailing and our telephone help line.
SOSBSA Phone
Volunteers WANTED
We are looking for expressions of interest regarding volunteering for our
1300 help line.
Training will be provided.
Contact [email protected]
or 1300 767 022 for more information.
Management Committee
President: Cherrie Cran
Vice President: Donna Cumming
Treasurer: Darrin Larney Secretary: Sinead McMullan
Members: Vacant
Cairns Support Group
Cairns Red Cross Wellbeing Centre Cnr Grove and Lake Street, Cairns Entrance off Grove Street.
2nd Tuesday of every month at 7:30pm.
Contact Fran: 4045 2955 or 0407 695 891
Bundaberg Support Group
Neighbourhood Centre 111 Targo Street, Bundaberg
2nd Wednesday of every month at 10:30 am
Contact Peter: 07 4155 1015
Tweed Support Group
Tweed Heads Bowls Club Cnr Wharf & Florence St Tweed Heads NSW 2485
1st Friday of every month at 6:00 pm
Contact Sharon: 0474 206 486
S O S B S A
October - December 2019 5
The PVA delegation meeting with His Excellency Governor-General David Hurley to brief on the critical need for
postvention
Shining a Light on those Bereaved by Suicide WORLD SUICIDE PREVENTION DAY 2019
CANBERRA: Australia’s ‘founding father’ of suicide prevention will today make an impassioned plea to the
Morrison government to recognise the most overlooked aspect of mental health – those 440,000 Australians
bereaved by suicide each year.
“The need to care for those who have lost a loved one or friend to suicide is critical,” said Alan Staines OAM, who
is the founder of both national peak bodies, Suicide Prevention Australia (SPA) and Postvention Australia
(PVA). Mr Staines, the pioneer in this field, has been working on the streets with the troubled and underprivileged
since he was a young Salvationist and has been one for over 80 years.
Now 87, the Salvation Army Envoy will lead a high-level delegation today to meet with senior advisers to the Prime
Minister and Health Minister Greg Hunt. The group of experts, survivors and First Nations representatives, will also
be meeting with His Excellency David Hurley at Government House to highlight the ‘Cinderella’ of mental health.
Postvention is the term used in supporting those bereaved by suicide. The number in Australia annually impacted
by suicide roughly equates to the population of Canberra. Studies show that 135 people are directly exposed to
varying levels of intense grief for each suicide death and close family members are at eight times higher risk of
suicide themselves than the general population during these heartbreaking episodes.
“Many people are falling through the cracks and are largely going unsupported,” said Alan Staines adding
“Postvention is prevention”.
Indirectly and often more directly, whole communities are affected. The same can be said about clubs, sporting
organisations, local communities and over-whelmingly about our First Nation peoples and communities.
“Behind these statistics are thousands of people, families bereaved by suicide coping with a traumatic, anguished
and debilitating grief – these people need our understanding and support,” said a member of the delegation, Dr
Diana Sands, Director of the Centre for Intense Grief.
The eminent person delegation from across Australia, will present the case for initial funding to support the critical
work of Postvention Australia, named the peak body for bereavement at the recent 6th Biennial Australian
Postvention Conference in June.
The visit and call to action to the Federal government comes on World Suicide Prevention Day which Alan Staines
and fellow campaigner Brad Farmer first launched together in 2004.
The Prime Minister has recently been quoted as saying: “This is a big job, a curse on our country but I’m sure
working together, we can break it.”
The delegation includes Indigenous mental health leader Adele Cox, Emeritus Professor Ian Webster AO, Dr Diana
Sands and Brad Farmer AM.
World Suicide Prevention Day 2019 - www.postventionaustralia.org – media statement
S O S B S A
6 October - December 2019
Support is available for anyone who may be distressed by phoning:
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 (www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au)
Lifeline 13 11 14 (www.lifeline.org.au)
Mensline 1300 789 978 (www.mensline.org.au)
Kids Helpline 1800 551 800 (www.kidshelpline.com.au)
FURTHER: Brad Farmer AM (Hon. Advocate & Comms) on 0413 031870 to arrange an interview or to receive
more information. Vision, images and interviews on request by arrangement:
[email protected] www.unitedrelations.com.au
QUICK FACTS ON SUICIDE BEREAVEMENT
In 2017, there was a total of 3128 deaths by suicide (12.7 per 100,000) in Australia, which is an increase from 2016
(2866 deaths, 11.8 per 100,000).
Suicide is the result of a convergence of risk factors including but not limited to genetic, psychological, social and
cultural risk factors, sometimes combined with experiences of trauma and loss. For every 1 suicide, more than 25
people make a suicide attempt. Even more concerning is the ripple effect of suicide loss on individuals, families,
friends and acquaintances with an average of 135 people affected by each individual suicide death.
Sadly, relatives and close friends of people who die by suicide also can become a high-risk group for suicide due to:
The psychological trauma of a suicide loss
Potential shared familial and environmental risk
Suicide contagion through the process of social modelling, and
The burden of stigma associated with this loss with suicide still criminalised in 25 countries
More than 108 million people are directly bereaved by suicide worldwide every year with the cumulative effect of
suicide adding to those numbers meaning that over a ten-year period more than 1080 million people are impacted by
suicide loss. This is one of the world’s most significant yet still generally unrecognised, preventative population
health issue with its ongoing cumulative affects a serious population health concern across the globe. In addition, the
‘ripple effect’ of suicide means that many others are impacted by each suicide death. This may be members of
sporting teams who have lost a team mate to suicide or those impacted by the death of a well-known celebrity. The
impact of suicide across communities, states and countries cannot be understated – this is one of the world’s most
serious and preventable population health issues.
S O S B S A
October - December 2019 7
Other Suicide Support Groups
If our support groups don’t meet your
needs – please check our website for a list of other support groups across Australia
Go to www.sosbsa.org.au
Hover over ‘Support Groups’ in the top bar Choose the appropriate sub-section.
Please note – this information is only as good as the
information we are provided – if you see errors please let us know at [email protected]
SOSBSA Facebook We now have more than 27,200
people who follow us on facebook.
Join in our online support group.
Search SOSBSA
Mourning Dove Pins
You can now purchase from us online with payments through paypal
www.sosbsa.org.au (‘Items for Sale’ tab)
or email us at [email protected]
S O S B S A
8 October - December 2019
“Holidays are time spent with loved ones” was imprinted on our psyche from a young age. Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives. They are part of the milestones we share with each other and they generally represent time spent with family. They bring meaning to certain days and we bring much meaning back to them. But since holidays are for being with those we love the most, how on earth can anyone be expected to cope with them when a loved one has died? For many people, this is the hardest part of grieving, when we miss our loved ones even more than usual. How can you celebrate togetherness when there is none? When you have lost someone special, your world loses its celebratory qualities. Holidays only magnify the loss. The sadness feels sadder and the loneliness goes deeper. The need for support may be the greatest during the holidays. Pretending you don’t hurt and or it is not a harder time of the year is just not the truth for you. If it wasn’t harder you probably wouldn’t be here. You can and will get through the holidays. Rather than avoiding the feelings of grief, lean into them. It is not the grief you want to avoid, it is the pain. Grief is the way out of the pain. Grief is our internal feelings and mourning is our external expressions.
There are a number of ways to incorporate your loved one and your loss into the holidays.
Ways to externalize the loss – give it a time and a place
A prayer before the Holiday dinner, about your loved one.
Light a candle for your loved one. Create an online tribute for them. Share a favorite story about your loved one. Have everyone tell a funny story about your
loved one. At your place of worship remember them in
a prayer. Chat online about them.
Ways to Cope
Have a Plan A/Plan B – Plan A is you go to the Thanksgiving, Christmas Day or Christmas Eve dinner with family and friends. If it doesn’t feel right, have your plan B ready. Plan B may be a movie you both liked or a photo album to look through or a special place you went to together. Many people
find that when they have Plan B in place, just knowing it is there is enough.
Cancel the Holiday all together. Yes, you can cancel the Holiday. If you are going through the motions and feeling nothing, cancel them. Take a year off. They will come around again. For others, staying involved with the Holidays is a symbol of life continuing. Let the Holiday routine give you a framework during these tough times.
Try the Holidays in a new way. Grief has a unique way of giving us the permission to really evaluate what parts of the Holidays you enjoy and what parts you don’t. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to handle the Holidays in grief. You have to decide what is right for you and do it. You have every right to change your mind, even a few times. Friends and family members may not have a clue how to help you through the Holidays and you may not either.
It is very natural to feel you may never enjoy the Holidays again. They will certainly never be the same as they were. However, in time, most people are able to find meaning again in the traditions as a new form of the Holiday Spirit grows inside of them. Even without grief, our friends and relatives often think they know how our Holidays should look, what “the family” should and shouldn’t do.
Do’s and Don’ts
Do be gentle with yourself and protect yourself.
Don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss.
Do allow time for the feelings.
Don’t keep feelings bottled up. If you have 500 tears to cry don’t stop at 250.
Do allow others to help. We all need help at certain times in our lives.
Don’t ask if you can help or should help a friend in grief. Just help. Find ways; invite them to group events or just out for coffee.
Do, in grief, pay extra attention to the children. Children are too often the forgotten grievers.
Grief & the Holidays, Dealing with the pain - Grief.com
S O S B S A
July - September 2019 9
In Memoriam If you would like an ‘in memoriam’, please send an anniversary record to us at [email protected].
.
QLD Helplines Standby Brisbane 07 3250 1856
Standby Response Service 0438 150 180 (24 hour mobile crisis response to suicide bereavement.)
Sunshine and Cooloola Coasts 0407 766 961
National Helplines LifeLine: 13 11 14 (24 hour)
Mensline: 1300 789 978 (24 hour) Suicide Callback Line: 1300 659 467 (24 hour)
National Hope Line: 1300 467 354 (24 hour bereavement support)
Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800 (24 hour)
SANE Helpline: 1800 18 SANE (M-F 9am-5pm)
For everyone whose anniversary of their loved one is during October to December: On this
anniversary of your loved one’s death, may you remember the best experiences you shared, the most
meaningful words that were spoken, the happiest moments you had together and the comfort that has given you the courage to go on.