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Kiersten Essenpreis

OPINION

Is There Life After Work?By ERIN CALLAN

Publi shed: March 9, 2013

SANIBEL, Fla.

AT an office party in 2005, one of my

colleagues asked my then husband

what I did on weekends. She knew me

as someone with great intensity and

energy. Does she kayak, go rock

climbing and then run a half

marathon? she joked. No, he

answered simply, she sleeps. And

that was true. When I wasnt catching

up on work, I spent myweekends

recharging my batteries for the

coming week. Work always came

first, before my family, friends and marriage which ended just a

few years later.

In recent weeks I have been following with interest the escalating debate about work-lifebalance and the varying positions of Facebooks Sheryl Sandberg, Marissa Mayer of Yahoo

and the academicAnne-Marie Slaughter, among others. Since I resigned my position as

chief financial officer of Lehman Brothers in 2008, amid mounting chaos and a cloud of

public humiliation only months before the company went bankrupt, I have had ample

time to reflect on the decisions I made in balancing (or failing to balance) my job with the

rest of my life. The fact that I call it the rest of my life gives you an indication where

work stood in the pecking order.

I dont have children, so it might seem that my story lacks relevance to the work-life

balance debate. Like everyone, though, I did have relationships a spouse, friends and

family and none of them got the best version of me. They got what was left over.

I didnt start out with the goal of devoting all of myself to my job. It crept in over time.Each year that went by, slight modifications became the new normal. First I spent a half-

hour on Sunday organizing my e-mail, to-do list and calendar to make Monday morning

easier. Then I was working a few hours on Sunday, then all day. My boundaries slipped

away until work was all that was left.

Inevitably, when I left my job, it devastated me. I couldnt just rally and move on. I did

not know how to value who I was versus what I did. What I did was who I was.

I have spent several years now living a different version of my life, where I try to apply

my energy to my new husband, Anthony, and the people whom I love and care about.

But I cant make up for lost time. Most important, although I now have stepchildren, I

missed having a child of my own. I am 47 years old, and Anthony and I have been trying

in vitro fertilization for several years. We are still hoping.

Sometimes young women tell me they admire what Ive done. As they see it, I worked

hard for 20 years and can now spend the next 20 focused on other things. But that is not

balance. I do not wish that for anyone. Even at the best times in my career, I w as never

deluded into thinking I had achieved any sort of rational allocation between my life at

Dwindling

Deficit Disorder

When t o Say No

to the Keystone

XL

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1 . OPINION

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A vers ion of this op-ed appeared in print on March 10, 2013, on page SR9 of the New York edition with the headline: Is

There Life A fter Work?.

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Lehma n Brother s Holdings Inc

work and my life outside.

I have often wondered whether I would have been asked to be C.F.O. if I had not worked

the way that I did. Until recently, I thought my singular focus on my career was the most

powerful ingredient in my success. But I am beginning to realize that I sold myself short.

I was talented, intelligent and energetic. It didnt have to be so extreme. Besides, there

were diminishing returns to that kind of labor.

I didnt have to be on my BlackBerry from my first moment in the morning to my last

moment at night. I didnt have to eat the majority of my meals at my desk. I didnt have

to fly overnight to a meeting in Europe on my birthday. I now believe that I could havemade it to a similar place with at least some better version of a personal life. Not without

sacrifice I dont think I could have had it all but with somewhat more harmony.

I have also wondered where I would be today if Lehman Brothers hadnt collapsed. In

2007, I did start to have my doubts about the way I was living my life. Or not really living

it. But I felt locked in to my career. I had just been asked to be C.F.O. I had a

responsibility. Without the crisis, I may never have been strong enough to step away.

Perhaps I needed what felt at the time like some of the worst experiences in my life to

come to a place where I could be grateful for the life I had. I had to learn to begin to

appreciate what was left.

At the end of the day, that is the best guidance I can give. Whatever valuable advice I

have about managing a career, I am only now learning how to manage a life.

Erin Callan is the former chief financial officer of Lehman Brothers.

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