introduction to the responsibility process
TRANSCRIPT
Introduction to The Responsibility Process
Ari Tanninen Agile Coaching Circle
May 16th 2016
Exercise: Claiming wins
Image: flickr / BrianForbes Image: Wikimedia Commons / Túrelio
Image: pixabayImage: Wikimedia Commons / NeetiR
“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings you as
by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to
you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.”
— Lewis L. Dunnington
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In
our response lies our growth and our freedom.” — Viktor E. Frankl
“It's not what happens to us, but our response to
what happens to us that hurts us.” — Stephen R. Covey
Exercise: How to make it go away? (1/2)
1. Write down a problem or an upset.
2. Write down what needs to happen for the problem or upset to go away.
Image: Wikimedia Commons / United States Navy
The Responsibility Process
Denial
Lay Blame
Justify
Shame
Obligation
Responsibility
Quit
Upset orproblem
The Responsibility Process
• Mental states triggered automatically when we get upset
• Coping strategies / comfort zones to alleviate anxiety
• Key idea: push through them to get to true responsibility
• Based on 20+ years of studies by Bill McCarley and Christopher Avery
Exercise: How to make it go away? (2/2)1. Write down a problem or an upset.
2. Write down what needs to happen for the problem or upset to go away.
3. Which mindset were you in when you wrote down your problem or upset?
4. Rewrite step 2.
5. Is there a difference?
Step Symptoms Diagnosis(in your head)
Remedy(the way to feeling better)
Responsibility“I choose to” Feeling powerful Feeling ownership Results that matter
The problem may be an effect of a larger issue I am missing something from the big picture Somehow I contributed to the issue The problem is how my mind sees the problem
Face the pain Look for truth & root issue Solve the root issue for good
Quit"Whatever", cynical comments Denying you want it Feeling incomplete, longing No results
This is so painful I can’t take it I can’t do anything
Give up Disengage mentally
Obligation“We should”, “I must” Procrastination, resentment Minimal results
I have no choice I am trapped I have to but I don’t want to
Do the bare minimum and get it over with
Shame “I am so stupid” Feeling guilt
It’s my fault I deserve to beat myself up I can’t do anything
I need to change
Justify “That’s just how things are” Venting
The situation is responsible It is just that I have the problem I can’t control the situation I can’t do anything
Situation needs to change
Lay Blame “X is such a…” Venting
X is responsible I can’t do anything X needs to change
Denial “Problem? There is no problem!”
Exercise: Share from your own
experience
Relax! It’s only natural. You
are only human. We’re
wired that way.
Image: flickr / Ben Francis
Denial
Lay Blame
Justify
Shame
Obligation
Responsibility
QuitPower cycle
Control cycle
Control Cycle
What is right?What should I do?
Advice
This is bad!This is wrong!How do I get
back in control?
Evaluation
Choosingcontrol
I just have to follow these rules/checklist/policy to get back in
control!
Compliance
Power Cycle
Choosingpower
I am missing something. What is going on? How did I contribute to this? What do I feel and need? What
false belief or assumption I am holding?
Looking
Aha!
Clarity
I can deal with this!I want to deal with this!
Trust
Power and Control Cycles
Problem
Choosingpower
Looking
Clarity
Trust
Advice
Evaluation
Choosingcontrol
Compliance
Denial: refuse to acknowledge the problemQuit: give up when unable to handle anxiety of Shame or Obligation
Denial
Lay Blame
Justify
Shame
Obligation
Responsibility
QuitProblem
Choosingpower
Looking
Clarity
Trust
Advice
Evaluation
Choosingcontrol
Compliance
Why do we prefer the control cycle over the
power cycle?
Looking• Bear anxiety and have patience!
• Curiosity
• Observation
• Reflection
• For me: Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), SCARF (David Rock), meditation, The Leadership Gift program, sparring with friends…
Exercise: I should / I want
1. Take a paper and a pen.
2. On one side, write as many "I must/should" sentences as you can think of.
3. Turn the paper around. Freely choose those musts you want, and write them again in "I want/choose“ form.
4. How does it feel?
Three keys to Responsibility
• Intent to operate from responsibility when upset, and to refuse to operate from lay blame, justify, shame, or obligation
• Awareness of my mental states, myself, others, and my environment
• Confront myself and reality to see what is true
Some tools
• Claiming wins
• Journalling & regular reflection
• Catch it quicker game
• Observing others
• Invite trusted friends to remind you
• Practice groups Image: flickr / Andy Ciordia
Image: pixabay
Image: Wikimedia Commons / Adam Ward
Image: Wikimedia Commons
False responsibility
• = “accountability”
• = Shame
• = Obligation
• Indoctrinated by society
• Children & organizations
Image: flickr / Lee Carson
Denial
Lay Blame
Justify
Shame
Obligation
Responsibility
Quit
{{
“Stop making excuses and take responsibility!”
Mental states renounced by society
“No one likes a whiner!”
“Shame on you!”
“You must apologize!”
Mental states endorsed by society“How can you be so stupid!”
“If you don’t clean your room, mommy feels sad.”
“Give that cookie back to your brother!”
“Are you avoiding responsibility?”
“You should feel bad!”
“Man up!”
Self-apply only
• Responsibility process is easy to see in others but very difficult to see in yourself
• Demonstrate rather than impose
• Impose Responsibility and you will get Obligation
• One can only act from Responsibility if it’s their free choice
Self-apply out of free choice, only
• Demand responsibility of yourself and you will get Shame or Obligation
• Relax, you’re human, we are all built this way :)
• Self-compassion is key
A point about managing people
• Demand accountability and you get Obligation
• Tighten control and you get Obligation
“All leadership begins
with self-leadership.”
— Christopher Avery
“Responsibility is owning your power and ability to create,
choose, and attract your life.” — Christopher Avery
More info
Download a Responsibility Process poster in your language https://www.christopheravery.com/responsibility-process-poster
The Responsibility Process by Christopher Avery (7 min video) https://youtu.be/-T3IZ2ISxag
For individuals: The Leadership Gift training program http://the.leadershipgift.com
For corporations: Partnerwerks, Inc. https://www.partnerwerks.com