Introduction

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Dealing with Messy RelationshipsWe were created to live in relationship with others. John Donne said, “No man is an island,” pointing to the interconnectedness we have with each other. And while we have a need and desire for relationships, we have a way of messing them up! We are sinners with a bent toward self-centeredness, but Christ calls us and empowers us to live differently. The study looks at six traits we can practice that can bring healing to our relationships and prevent further “messiness.”

Author:Ben Mandrell is the President and CEO of LifeWay Christian Resources . He lives in the Nashville area with his wife Lynley, and their four children: Ava, Max, Miles, and Jack .

Commentary Writers:Ronald “Dee” Vaughn wrote sessions 1-3 of Dealing with Messy Relationships. He is the Senior Pastor of St . Andrews Baptist Church in Columbia, South Carolina .

Various writers contributed to sessions 4-6 of Dealing with Messy Relationships.

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SESSION 1

Love

THE POINTLet love permeate every relationship.

LIFE CONNECTIONWe’ve probably all heard someone say, “I love him, but I don’t like him.” In that attitude, we treat love as some sort of concept we are required to embrace—especially with relatives—but there are no concrete, day-to-day expressions of love. Yet the starting point for any strong relationship is love, love that is expressed in both attitudes and actions. Jesus modeled this kind of love for us, and calls us to do the same.

THE PASSAGEJohn 15:9-14

THE SETTINGJohn 13-17 contains Jesus farewell discourse to His disciples on the night of His betrayal. In John 15:1-8, Jesus used the imagery of a vine and its branches to teach His followers that the Christian life requires us to be connected to Him. Though Jesus’ use of that word picture ends at verse 8, the underlying idea continues into verses 9-14—the crucial importance of remaining in Him.

Get into the Study

GUIDE: Invite group members to turn to page 3 of the Personal Study Guide (PSG) and review the titles of the six sessions of this study titled Dealing with Messy Relationships.

LEADER PACK: Display Item 8: Dealing with Messy Relationships poster and point out the session titles .

DISCUSS: Draw attention to the picture on PSG page 98 and ask Question 1: What foods do you like best straight out of the oven?

5 MINUTES

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John 15:9-10

9 “As the Father has loved me, I have also loved you. Remain in my love. 10 If you keep my commands you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love.

KEY WORD: Remain (v . 9)—A believer’s continual connection to Christ, like branches to a vine, is necessary for spiritual health and yields the fruit of love for others .

1 Verse 9. In the preceding passage, John 15:1-8, Jesus used the word picture of a vine and its branches to teach His followers that the Christian life cannot happen without a continual life-giving connection to Him. Though Jesus’ use of that word picture ends at verse 8, the underlying idea continues into verses 9-14—the crucial importance of remaining in Him.

The love believers are to demonstrate toward others is grounded in God’s love. In this passage, John described the connection between Jesus and believers as a loving relationship. The constancy of the relationship Jesus shares with the Father is the model for the relationship He wants to share with believers.

The meaning of love in the New Testament is rich and deep, like the sound of the many instruments of a symphony orchestra playing together to create beautiful music. The Gospel of John has an important part to play in giving us a complete understanding of love. 1. In the Gospel of John, love begins in God. In Christ,

God sent love to earth to show His glory and to save lost people.

2. John taught us Jesus is the supreme example of love. Jesus revealed the true meaning of love in what He taught, and He exemplified true love in the life He lived.

3. Love is the quality Christ commands of His followers in how they relate to one another and to the lost.

Both usages of the word loved in verse 9 are in a form that describes an action that has already been completed in the past. Jesus spoke of the Father’s love for Him in the past tense because their relationship had been complete from eternity. Jesus has always lived in perfect love with the Father. Jesus also spoke of His love for believers as a gift already given in its completeness. Jesus was so sure He would complete His saving work that He spoke of it as though it were already done.

GUIDE: Refer group members to “The Bible Meets Life” (PSG, p. 99). Note the illustration about stale bread and how easy it is to allow our relationships to grow stale . Stress that love is what keeps our relationships fresh .

GUIDE: Introduce The Point on PSG page 99: Let love permeate every relationship.

SAY Today we will study Jesus’ words about love from John 15 .

Study the BibleJohn 15:9-10

READ: Invite a group member to read John 15:9-10 .

SUMMARIZE: Refer to Bible Commentary 1 to provide background information for this passage:

• In John 15:1-8 Jesus teaches us the importance of remaining in Him.

• Love begins in God.

• Jesus is the supreme example of love.

• Jesus commands His followers to love one another and the lost.

15 MINUTES

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RECAP: Refer group members to the author’s illustration on PSG page 100 about his coffee maker that flashed the message: “YOUR TANK IS LOW .” Acknowledge humorously that it can be quite a crisis if the coffee isn’t ready when our group meets .

Note Ben’s quote: “I poured in so that something beautiful would pour out .”

GUIDE: Refer to PSG page 100 to explain that in John 15:

• Jesus made it very clear that we find an immense reservoir of love in God.

• We must drink deeply from the Father’s supply of love if we ever hope to pour His love into the lives of others.

• The quality of our relationships with other people will always be tied to the quality of our relationship with God.

GUIDE: Refer group members to the Key Word on PSG page 100 to provide further explanation about the word remain .

The central command of verse 9 is to remain in Christ’s love. Just as a branch draws life from the vine, the believer draws life from Christ. Remain is used in the New Testament to celebrate God’s faithfulness and the eternal truth of His Word. In this spiritually turbulent world, Christ invites us to find in Him a source of faithful love and enduring truth. Believers can remain in Christ’s love because Jesus doesn’t change. He remains the eternal Son of God, the Word who became flesh and brought God’s love to us.

Remain has the urgent sense of “you must remain in my love,” for there is no other way the Christian’s life can be faithful and fruitful. The absolute necessity of continual connection to Christ hearkens back to the image Jesus used earlier in this chapter of Himself as the vine and believers as branches. The strength of a loving relationship makes a more abundant life possible on a human level. How much more will an abiding relationship with Christ empower the believer to live more faithfully.

Though the believer’s abiding relationship with Christ is intensely personal, it is by no means private. Those who have experienced the love of Christ can and must express that love in their relationships with others. Love toward others is the truest evidence of abiding in Christ. Verse 10 teaches us how that love for others will be expressed.

Who we love and how we live are always connected. We experience this on the level of human friendships. When you love someone, you take seriously what the other person takes seriously and you choose your behavior accordingly. Professing to love someone but not guiding your life by that love would be an empty and meaningless claim.

Verse 10. In verse 10 Jesus drew the connection between love and obedience. Once again, Jesus used His relationship with the Father as a model for our relationship with Jesus as He spelled out more specifically the results of a relationship of constant, trusting love. Jesus and the Father share a perfect and eternal love. His abiding love for the Father led Jesus to obey the Father’s will completely. One of our clearest examples of the connection between Jesus’ love for the Father and His obedience to the Father’s will came in the garden of Gethsemane when Jesus agonized over the terrible cost of bringing salvation to a lost world. While pleading with God to give Him some

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THE POINT Let love permeate every relationship.

other way to fulfill His saving mission, Jesus surrendered His life to obey God’s plan, no matter what the cost (Matt. 26:36-46). In the same way, Jesus said the believer’s abiding relationship with Him will lead the believer to obey His commands—to trust Him enough to choose faithfulness to His mission no matter what the cost.

The word commands is plural in verse 10. Later, in verse 12, Jesus will speak of one central command, the command to love. The use of the plural here may help us understand another important truth about Jesus’ obedience to the Father and ours to Christ. While the cross was Jesus’ greatest moment of sacrificial obedience to God’s saving will, it was by no means the first or the only one. Every day Jesus lived, He poured out His life in obedience to God’s call. He obeyed God’s commands by reaching out to sinners, welcoming and blessing children, touching and healing broken lives, enduring the trick questions and selfish motives of religious leaders, telling stories that made God’s truth clear to

DIGGING DEEPER

Jesus’ Teaching About LoveIn Jesus’ life and teachings, the biblical concept of love reaches its highest pinnacle of significance . The Gospels use two Greek verbs for love, agapao and phileo, occurring 83 times; in John’s Gospel the verbs occur 49 times . This higher frequency of using verbs in the Gospels seems to stress the active element of love . Agapao expresses God’s unearned gift to man that finds its anchor in Jesus’ self-giving sacrifice of love on the cross .

Three emphases in Jesus’ teaching about love stand out as especially unique .

For All People—Jesus’ teaching expanded the reach of God’s love to include all people and taught that God had demonstrated His love for them by sending His only-begotten Son into the world for their salvation (John 3:16) .

For His Followers—Jesus taught about love through the love He demonstrated for the disciples . Jesus commanded the disciples to remain in His love by obeying His commands (15:9-10) . He explained that Christian love expresses itself in obedience to God’s commands; the one who truly loves Jesus will express that love by keeping His teachings (14:15,21,23) .

For Abiding—Jesus emphasized His desire for the disciples to abide in His love . Jesus stated this in the form of a direct command: “Remain in My love” (15:9) . Jesus tied remaining in His love with keeping His commands (v . 10) .Robert E. Jones, “Jesus’ Teaching About Love,” Biblical Illustrator, Spring 2015, 38-41.

SAY: Note the tight connection in verse 10 between love and obedience: “If you keep my commands you will remain in my love .”

RECAP: Refer group members to PSG pages 101-102. Emphasize the following:

• If we obey Christ, then we will feel the full force of His affection. Jesus will not love us more—we are already completely loved by God—but we will more deeply know and experience His love.

• Remaining in Jesus’ love is the key to successful and fulfilling relationships. His followers must adopt His values and follow His voice. When we ignore the Holy Spirit’s direction and go our own way, we are disobedient, and we sour our relationships.

SAY: We must stay close to the Lord and let nothing become more important than loving, trusting, and obeying Him .

GUIDE: Refer group members to Digging Deeper (PSG, p. 101): Jesus’ Teaching About Love.

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the minds of common people, even sitting down to eat with the ones the self-righteous rejected. Jesus obeyed the Father’s commands every day in every relationship. In the same way, believers may face some climactic moment of decision in which we pay a great price for great faithfulness; but we, like Jesus, will keep the commands in a daily walk with Him and in a variety of ways as we encounter people with all kinds of needs who need God’s love expressed in ways they can experience and understand.

John 15:11-12

11 “I have told you these things so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.12 “This is my command: Love one another as I have loved you.

Verse 11. The love the believer demonstrates towards others is to be an imitation of the love Jesus has toward him or her. Jesus took another step in describing a life of love. He had already taught us that the believer remains in a loving relationship with Jesus that is expressed as obedience to His commands. Now He added that He calls us to a life of loving obedience so that we may experience joy. Jesus does not call His followers to a life of duty and drudgery. He calls us to the only way of life that leads to genuine joy. This calling runs counter to our culture which often equates happiness with resisting and rejecting any costly commitment. Jesus’ teaching corrects this misunderstanding by helping us see that deep joy comes only through deep commitment. Jesus’ call might be compared to that of a music teacher who invites a young musician to become his or her student, then challenges the student to take on the daily discipline of study and practice. Only the student who obeys the teacher’s instructions will know the joy of mastering the instrument and playing the most challenging and beautiful music. Only the disciple who, out of love for Jesus, is obedient to His commands will experience the kind of joy Jesus knew already; He calls it my joy, the joy of bringing salvation to a lost world.

DISCUSS: Question 2 (PSG, p. 102): How would you describe the connection between love and obedience?

Alternate: When have you missed or forgotten the connection between love and obedience?

TRANSITION: In the next verses we will be reminded that our love for others must mirror Jesus’ love for us .

Study the BibleJohn 15:11-12

READ: Ask a group member to read John 15:11-12 .

GUIDE: Refer group members to PSG page 103 to the humorous statement about a person who claims to know Christ “but forgot to inform his face .” Ask for a show of hands from group members who have known this kind of person (no names please) .

Acknowledge that consistent scowls and grimaces on a Christian’s face don’t go with the joy Jesus talked about in verse 11 .

10 MINUTES

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THE POINT Let love permeate every relationship.

Prior to 15:11, the Greek word translated joy appears only twice in the Gospel of John (both in 3:29, “joy” and “greatly”). Beginning with this verse, Jesus used the word joy seven times before His arrest and crucifixion. The closer Jesus got to the cross, the more He spoke of the joy He experienced in doing God’s will and the more clearly He called us to follow Him in obeying God so that we might share the joy of living with spiritual purpose. The more faithfully we take up our crosses, through our obedience to Christ’s commands, the more His joy will be in us. As we abide in Christ and obey His commands, His joy, the joy of a life of spiritual significance, abides in us.

When will the believer’s joy be complete? When Jesus spoke these words to His disciples, the joy they experienced by obeying Christ’s commands to express their love for Him was real and life-changing. Their joy, however, would become more complete when they witnessed Jesus’ resurrection and saw another step in His saving work completed. Similarly, the joy that believers experience today by loving and obeying Christ is genuine, but is only a foretaste of the joy we will share when Christ returns and completes His saving work by taking us to heaven. Salvation is real the moment we trust Christ. We are made more like Christ as we grow through sanctification. Our salvation will come to completion when Christ returns. In the same way, Christian joy is real today, will grow as believers join Christ in His saving work, and will come to completion when we see Him face to face.

2 Verse 12. The many commands of verse 10, the many ways we obey and serve Christ as an expression of our abiding love for Him, are all rooted in one central command that Jesus gave in verse 12. He called it my command because it was His not only through the words He was about to speak, but through the life He lived among His followers. Jesus embodied the power of keeping this commandment and gave His followers an example of a life fully dedicated to answering its call. He asked nothing of His disciples that He had not already given them by serving them and, soon, by sacrificing His life for them. In giving His central commandment, Jesus restated the new commandment He gave in John 13:34, almost word for word: “Love one another as I have loved you.”

In making love for fellow Christians the central command to His followers, Jesus reminded us that the internal life of the church cannot be separated from its mission to the world. The church can be no more effective in fulfilling its mission than it is loving within its

SAY: Obeying Jesus is not a grim, teeth-clenching exercise . Living in Christ produces joy in the heart!

SUMMARIZE: Refer to Bible Commentary 2 on this page and page 104 to explain Jesus’ command:

• Jesus gave this command in word and deed by His example.

• He asked nothing of His disciples that He had not already done by serving them, and soon, by sacrificing His life for them.

• This is a restatement of the new command that Jesus gave in John 13:34.

• The love believers have for one another is clear evidence that they are Jesus’ disciples (John 13:35).

OPTIONAL ACTIVITY: Note the love of Jesus must never be bottled up . It must flow in and out of us . Stress that Jesus expects His followers to love others in the same way He has loved us . Write the statements below on a board or large sheet of paper:

• He gave. • He forgave. • He pardoned. • He was gracious, kind,

merciful, sacrificial, and intentional.

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SAY: When believers love one another as Jesus loves, others notice . Even cynics’ hard hearts can begin to soften when they encounter Jesus’ love through us .

DISCUSS: Question 3 (PSG, p. 104): What does it look like to love others in the same way Jesus has loved us?

Alternate: How have you experienced the joy of loving others as Christ loves you?

TRANSITION: Next we will see the love of Jesus that flows through us to others often does not work at our convenience . This kind of love sacrifices for others .

Study the BibleJohn 15:13-14

READ: Ask a group member to read John 15:13-14 .

SAY: Jesus set the price high, defining love by supreme sacrifice . The way to build a relationship is often through pain and suffering .

10 MINUTES

fellowship. As Jesus said in John 13:35, the love believers have for one another is the clearest evidence and most powerful witness that they are Jesus’ disciples.

Christians are called to love one another in the same way Jesus loves them. This means that a Christian loves not only those deserving of love, but all of those within the fellowship of believers, lovable or not. This command parallels Jesus call to a “perfect” love—a love for all people—that imitates God’s love for all humanity (Matt. 5:43-48). In the Synoptic Gospels, Jesus encapsulated both the love of God and the love for humanity that summarizes the law in His double command:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important command. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commands” (Matt. 22:37-40).

These commands (see Mark 12:28-34; Luke 10:25-28) are simple to understand and incredibly difficult to carry out. Only by abiding in Christ and depending on His presence and strength is obeying these commands possible.

John 15:13-14

13 No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command you.”

Verse 13. Jesus connected His sacrificial love for sinners with the costly love believers must have for one another. Knowing what His love for us would demand of Him and wanting us to understand what the command to love might require of us, Jesus gave in verse 13 a clear definition of the love He spoke of in verse 12. Love, in its deepest expression, said Jesus, is voluntarily laying down one’s life for one’s friends.

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THE POINT Let love permeate every relationship.

Jesus had already spoken of and demonstrated this kind of love. He had told His disciples He is the Good Shepherd who lays down His life for His sheep (John 10:11,15-18). The word for means on behalf of, in place of, or as a substitute for. The picture is that of a criminal who is about to be punished when, just as the blow is about to fall, a friend throws his body over the criminal and takes the punishment in the guilty one’s place. Knowing He soon would die on the cross, Jesus held up His own life as an example of the greatest sacrifice love can demand. Christ’s followers, then and now, must be prepared to lay down life itself.

3 For most Christians, laying down one’s life does not happen in one great act of sacrifice. Most often, loving others demands countless moments of small sacrifice, laying down position and status to serve others in the spirit of Jesus. The disciples saw this kind of love in action as Jesus laid down His garments and clothed Himself as a servant, taking up a towel and basin of water to wash their feet (13:1-17). Some Christians may lay down life itself in a moment of great sacrifice for Christ. Every Christian is called to lay down life by giving it away, one moment at a time, in listening, teaching, coaching, helping, witnessing, and serving the needs of others in Christ’s name.

4 Verse 14. Jesus’ calling us His friends is a powerful revelation of the relationship He offers us, but it is a truth that is easily misunderstood. Some are tempted to confuse the friendship Jesus offers with an irreverent familiarity with Jesus that makes Him “one of us.” A careful understanding of John’s use of this word will keep us away from this error. The Gospel of John first uses the word friend to describe the special honor bestowed on the man chosen to be best man of a bridegroom (3:29). Though honored to be chosen and blessed to share in the joy of the wedding, the best man is a servant who works hard to support the bridegroom and make the wedding as perfect as possible. He never sees himself as equally important as the bridegroom. John the Baptist used this word to describe his relationship to Jesus. John saw his ministry as being like the work of a best man. He was honored by being chosen to play a part in Jesus’ ministry, but John understood that his job was to serve Jesus humbly and point others to Him. Christians are blessed beyond measure that Jesus, through His saving work and His call to discipleship, has chosen us to be His friends, but this is not a friendship between equals. He remains the Lord. Our friendship with Him is found in our willingness to do what

GUIDE: Refer group members to PSG page 105 to emphasize that the way to build a relationship is often through pain and suffering .

RECAP: Refer to Bible Commentary 3 to share the following content:

• For most Christians, laying down one’s life does not happen in one great act of sacrifice. Most often, loving others demands countless moments of small sacrifice, laying down position and status to serve others in the spirit of Jesus.

• Some Christians may lay down life itself in a moment of great sacrifice for Christ. Every Christian is called to lay down life by giving it away, one moment at a time, in listening, teaching, coaching, helping, witnessing, and serving the needs of others in Christ’s name.

DISCUSS: Question 4 (PSG, p. 105): When have you experienced the power of sacrificial love?

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SUMMARIZE: Refer to Bible Commentary 4 on page 105 and this page to explain what it means to be Jesus’ friend:

• Jesus’ calling us His friends is a powerful revelation of the relationship He offers.

• This is not a friendship between equals. He remains the Lord.

• Our friendship with Him is found in our willingness to do what He commands, specifically to love one another in the way He has loved us.

• Friendship with Jesus is an inward experience, but that personal relationship must be expressed in a lifestyle of obedience to His call, a daily demonstration that what matters to Jesus matters to us as His followers.

DISCUSS: Question 5 (PSG, p. 106): What opportunities do you have to lay down your life for others?

Alternate: What does this passage tell us about God’s design for our group?

ENGAGE: Invite group members to complete the activity on PSG page 106. Encourage volunteers to share responses .

He commands, specifically to love one another in the way He has loved us. Like John the Baptist, Christians are to work, seeking no glory for ourselves, but pointing others to Christ and His invitation to find life in Him.

True friendship with Jesus leads to action. Jesus said that we are wise if we hear His teachings and put them into practice (Matt. 7:24-27). Calling Him “Lord” must be matched by doing God’s will (v. 21). Friendship with Jesus is an inward experience of His abiding love, but that personal relationship must be expressed in a lifestyle of obedience to His call, a daily demonstration that what matters to Jesus matters to us as His followers. We reveal true friendship with Jesus when we obey His command to love others. Salvation is through grace by faith in Christ alone. Our obedience to Christ doesn’t save us. However, our obedience to His commands demonstrates the genuineness of our faith. Our obedience to Jesus’ commands is our loving response to what He has done in achieving redemption for us. John captured the connection between our love for God and our obedience to His commands in his first letter:

“We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ and yet hates his brother or sister, he is a liar. For the person who does not love his brother or sister whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And we have this command from him: The one who loves God must also love his brother and sister” (1 John 4:19-21).

The world will know we are Christians—friends of Jesus abiding in His love and obedient to His call—by our love.

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THE POINT Let love permeate every relationship.

LIVE IT OUTHere are three ideas to boost your level of love in the lives of others:

> Give a small gift. Give an unexpected gift to someone who needs it. Attach this simple note: “Thank you for playing an important role in my life.”

> Reach out. Think of a relationship that has become stale, or even hostile. Make a phone call to see if you can revive or refresh that connection.

> Make a major sacrifice. Think of something that hinders your closest relationships—golf clubs, salon appointments, cable TV, a car payment, and so on. Then get rid of it!

Like the heels of the loaf of bread, our relationships can become stale, hard, and flat. Love requires continual refreshment to remain healthy.

ENGAGE

Complete the following sentences:

I struggle to love people when …

If I know I’ll be around someone hard to love, I usually …

Live It Out

GUIDE: Emphasize The Point: Let love permeate every relationship.

REVIEW: Live it Out (PSG, p. 107). (see text to the left) . Encourage each group member to follow through this week with at least one of the applications .

Wrap It UpGUIDE: Encourage group members to look for ways to express sacrificial love for someone this week .

PRAY: “Father, thank You for sending Jesus to show us Your great love by laying down His life for us .”

5 MINUTES

Free additional ideas for your group are available at BibleStudiesforLife .com/AdultExtra

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