1ELEVATE – INTRODUCTION

IntroductionTaking your relationship to the next level

Objectives

Establish clear goals and expectations for what each partner hopes to come away with from this program.

Understand how relationship emotions, thoughts, and behaviors influence, and are influenced by, the body’s physiological response system.

Identify the core principles and qualities of healthy couple relationships that an individual can apply to regulate his/her positive emotional, cognitive and behavioral practices.

Background Reading for Facilitator

NERMEM Chapter – National Extension Relationship and Marriage Education Model: Linking Research to Relationship and Marriage Education

Physiology of Love (ELEVATE – FS-1)

Helping Couples Practice Mindfulness (ELEVATE – FS-2)

Facilitator Materials

Flip chart or writing board and markersFacilitator information on poster board to share during introductions (optional)Ground rules written out on flipchart (leave room for additions to be made)Participant workbook materials (3 tip sheets; 1 worksheet)Video: 20/20 Love, Lust & Marriage (4:20 min.)Video: This Emotional Life – Facing our Fears, Brain Clip (1:46 min.)Timer for pulse countRelationship Wheel

Participant Workbook

Tip Sheet: The Heart-Brain Connection – p. 3-4Tip Sheet: Being a Mindful Couple – p. 5-6Tip Sheet: Tips for a Healthy Relationship – p. 7-8Worksheet: My Action Plan – p. 1-2

Session Overview at a Glance 60 Minutes

Welcome and overview (Slides 1 & 2) 6 MinutesIntroductions and ground rules (Slides 3 & 4) 12 MinutesExpectations and program goals (Slides 5-7) 14 MinutesPhysiology and healthy relationships (Slides 8-14) 22 MinutesElevate your love, not your heart rate (Slides 15 &16) 6 Minutes

2 ELEVATE – INTRODUCTION

WELCOME AND ICEBREAKER 4 MINUTES

1[Welcome participants to the ELEVATE program and review general logistics related to making participants feeling comfortable and welcomed (e.g., requests for room temperature change, location of restrooms, scheduled breaks, access to snacks/beverages as needed).]

[Introduce yourself to the group. Describe your affiliation and professional position, and share information you feel comfortable disclosing that will help couples connect with and trust you. If desired, include this information on a poster board or powerpoint (save as PDF and insert into presentation file).]

In a little bit, I will ask you to share a little bit about yourselves. But, first, let’s have some fun!

Activity (Line Up Icebreaker)

Break the group up into two or three small groups with no more than 8-10 couples per group.

Tell the group that the goal of this activity is to line up according to how long they have been together (according to when they started dating) – WITHOUT TALKING!

Once the participants have lined themselves up, proceed to discuss this activity while they are still standing.

Ask:

Who has been together for the longest period of time?

Who has been together for the shortest period of time?

Great! This workshop has something for all of you. If you have been together for a long time, or just a short time, there is always something new to learn about your relationship.

Let’s get started! First we will introduce ourselves and the ELEVATE program and follow that up with getting to know a little about you and your expectations for this workshop. You may all have a seat.

KEy POINT

Provide an opportunity for group connection and movement to start the day. Also, this will allow time for all participants to trickle in.

3ELEVATE – INTRODUCTION

OVERVIEW 2 MINUTES

2ELEVATE is based on years of research on couple and marital relationships that was summarized into one model by the National Extension Relationship and Marriage Education Network (NERMEN). This network includes researchers and educators within the Cooperative Extension System who work at land-grant universities and specialize in understanding and strengthening couple relationships. Members of NERMEN took all this research, as well as what they know about teaching adults, and created the Healthy Relationship and Marriage Education Training (HRMET), from which much of the materials we will review today were initially developed. This program also evolved from resources and the efforts of the Alabama Healthy Marriage and Relationship Education Initiative.

[Provide any additional information regarding the organization(s) hosting this program.]

This program was developed to share all of the knowledge generated from these efforts in a clear, practical, and usable way. Importantly, what we will cover in this program is educational in focus – it is not therapy! What this means is that we are not going to focus on “fixing” specific challenges or problems you have experienced – that’s therapy. Instead, we will reinforce some things you likely already do for your relationship and learn about and practice new skills that can further enrich the quality of your relationship. You can then use the skills we cover in the program to help you work through any challenges you may have experienced or are experiencing.

And, if you find that you might need some additional, more personalized, assistance after the program, I can help you identify counselors who are specifically trained to offer therapy.

[Prepare a list of referrals to have ready to share with participants if needed.]

KEy POINT

Provide a brief introduction about the program background and goals.

SPECIAL NOTE

To learn more about NERMEN and additional RME resources from the Cooperative Extension System, visit www.nermen.org

To learn more about HRMET and to view online training modules related to each of the concepts covered in ELEVATE, visit www.hrmet.org

To learn more about the Alabama Healthy Marriage and Relationship Education Initiative (AHMREI), visitwww.alabamamarriage.org

4 ELEVATE – INTRODUCTION

INTRODUCTIONS & GROUND RULES 12 MINUTES

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Before we get to know a little bit about each other, let’s first establish some ground rules to help everyone understand what to expect. I have listed a few rules that can be helpful.

[Refer to flip chart and include the following:] One person speaks at a time.Show respect to each other. “Vegas rule” – What’s said in here stays in here.Participation is voluntary.When not participating, be respectful to those who are.Everyone should have a chance to share.Before sharing something about your relationship, make

sure you are both ok with it.

Ask: What do you think of these rules?

With regards to the ground rule “Show respect to each other,” what do you believe is meant by ‘respect’?

What would you like to add? [Encourage participants to add rules that would help them feel comfortable.]

[After updating the list] Is everyone comfortable with this list? If not, let’s talk about which rule makes you uneasy.

[Allow discussion and come to a consensus on a final list.]

Our final list will be posted on the wall now to remind us of the rules that we agreed to. If at any time you feel a rule is not being followed, please let me know. [Post ground rules on wall where it can be visible to everyone throughout the program.]

[Advance to Slide 4] Now, let’s get to know each other.

Activity (Our Story)

Ask couples to discuss the last three bullets on Slide 4.

Consistent with the ground rules, encourage them to decide on what they would like to share with the group about themselves.

Ask each person to introduce their partner and share a response to one of the questions on Slide 4. Try to ensure each person speaks, not just one from each couple.

To stay on schedule, suggest limiting introductions to about 10 seconds/person.

KEy POINT

Allow participants to meet each other and set ground rules in order to foster trust and a sense of safety.

SPECIAL NOTE

Establishing ground rules and goals helps to empower the group and to allow each participant to understand the boundaries and expectations for class participation. Prior to the program, add suggested (or like) rules (in large print) to a flip chart that can be posted on a wall for all to see throughout the program.

5ELEVATE – INTRODUCTION

EXPECTATIONS 4 MINUTES

5Now that we know each other, I would like to know what you hope to get out of this program. Clear expectations are important in healthy relationships. So, we want to make sure that we start out the program with clear expectations of what you want to get out of this experience.

Ask: What do you hope to get out of this program?

Activity (Expectations)

Ask each person to write down one expectation on a sticky note.

Invite everyone to post their sticky note on a flip chart in the front of the room. This way, participants feel more comfortable sharing an expectation without having to disclose it with the larger group.

Ask a participant or the co-facilitator to read out-loud each sticky note as you write down the expectations on a separate flip chart that can be posted on the classroom wall. You may want to label this as “Expectations Checklist”.

As you address each topic throughout the program, check it off.

This is a great list! Throughout the program, I will check-off each topic as we cover it. By the end of the program, it’s my goal to meet each of your expectations (and more).

Also, as we move through the program, we will be asking you to prepare an action plan. In other words, we want you to leave the program with clear expectations of what you will take responsibility for doing to make your relationship stronger. On page 1-2 in your workbook is the form where you will be writing down your plans; but more on that later.

KEy POINT

Allow participants to clarify expectations for the program in order to ensure participants’ needs are understood and met.

WORKBOOK

My Action Plan, p. 1-2. Objective: encourage participants to document at least two new things (per module) they will try to do.

6 ELEVATE – INTRODUCTION

FROM RESARCH TO RELATIONSHIPS 10 MINUTES

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From this list of expectations, you have already identified some of the things that couples in healthy and long lasting relationships do. I have a video I would like to show you that reinforces some/many of these qualities, and highlights some additional things that that we will focus on in this program.

Video: 20/20 Love, Lust & Marriage

[Stay on Slide 6 while processing video.]

Ask: What makes relationships last?

[Points to reinforce:

There are things about your partner that will never change.

There are accommodations that need to be made in what we individually contribute to the relationship and what we do together for the relationship.

Love requires effort over time.]

[Advance to Slide 7] Today, it’s our goal to:

[Bullet 1] Help you understand how your individual and shared experiences – both past and present – influence how your body reacts to new experiences. We will talk shortly about how our body’s physiology is designed to direct how we think, feel, and act in relationships.

[Bullet 2] Afterwards, we will review and practice skills that you each can use every day to regulate your own body’s responses and actions. You, individually, have control over what you think, feel, and do in a relationship. We will find ways to build onto the good things you each bring to and do for your relationship.

[Bullet 3] Last, “it takes two to tango!” We will explore ways to enrich the experiences you share and create together in your relationship.

KEy POINT

Reinforce the effort required to make a relationship last and clarify program goals.

VIDEO

Love, Lust & Marriage – 20/20 (4:20 MINUTES)

Download from www.nermen.org/ELEVATE.php

To learn more about Dr. Gottman’s research highlighted in the above video clip, see:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=682v9ZG2NlE

7ELEVATE – INTRODUCTION

HEART-BRAIN CONNECTION 12 MINUTES

KEy POINT

The brain governs our emotional and behavioral response to what is going on around us.

VIDEO

Brain Clip (1:46 MINUTES)

Download from www.nermen.org/ELEVATE.php

Source: Gilbert, D. (Writer & Host), & Gazit, C. (Writer & Director), (2009). Episode 2: Facing our fears [television series episode]. In this emotional life. Boston: PBS & Vulcan Productions.

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As we get started, let’s first go over some very basic biology. Did you know that love is physiological? Yes! Let me show you what I mean.

As you can see here, the brain is organized into four main parts and each part regulates very specific bodily functions and/or responses. [Refer to Slide 8 for details]. The higher functioning parts of the brain (the two sections at the top of the diagram) are more malleable (flexible) allowing us to learn new information and skills. During the program we will rely on these parts of your brain to celebrate past experiences and create new memories, reinforce positive feelings, and strengthen skills to support your relationship. The lower functioning parts of the brain (the cerebellum and brainstem) are less capable of change. However, during this program we will also learn ways to regulate those lower functioning parts of the brain. But why does this matter?

[Advance to Slide 9] The brain and heart interact with each other to influence how we respond emotionally to what is going on around us. Those responses then direct how we behave and what we do.

Ask:

How many of you have watched a scary movie?

What did you experience emotionally during the last scary movie you saw?

How did your body respond? Did you withdraw, tighten up, cover your eyes, scream (all of the above)?

How is your emotional and physical reaction to a comedy different? Why?

When we feel scared and threatened or happy and joyful, our heart rate changes and sends signals to the brainstem. From there, the brain draws on past experiences to signal your body to react. This is often referred to as “fight or flight.” Let’s watch this video to learn a little bit more about this process [Advance to Slide 10].

Video: Brain clip.

8 ELEVATE – INTRODUCTION

AT THE HEART OF THE MATTER 6 MINUTES

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As you saw, the brain-heart connection flows bottom-up. It’s easier for lower brain areas to send signals up to higher brain areas (emotions influence thoughts). It is much harder for signals to flow down (being rational when emotional). Emotions affect our heart and our physiological state.

Ask: What does this mean for us and our relationships?[Point: Even the most rational, cognitive brain can fall victim to emotions.]

[Advance to Slide 12] Here’s what happens in the body. In a recent study, we see clearly what happens to the heart rate when we have different emotions. One group of participants was asked to focus for five minutes on something that makes them angry; another group of participants was asked to focus for five minutes on something or someone they have appreciation for. People may look the same on the outside, but just five minutes of feeling angry or frustrated leads to an irregular and erratic heart rate, while positive feelings and emotions lead to a smoother, calmer, more steady, and synchronized heart rate.

Emotions affect our heart rate; our heart rate affects our brain; and our brain directs our words and actions.

Put simply:

Angry heart = angry brain = angry actions

Caring heart = caring brain = caring actions

[Advance to Slide 13] And, something as simple as touch can trigger physiological responses within us to denote love or hate.

Ask: How do you feel when your partner holds your hand, hugs you, or touches you in a special and meaningful way?

The type of touch and interaction tells the brain how to respond subconsciously and hormones are triggered in 1000th of a second! The thinking part of the brain triggers in a second. While this is fast, it does not compare to the subconscious hormonal triggers. Touching each other also allows for our hearts to align – physiologically. We begin to mirror each other’s rhythm.

KEy POINT

Our heart rate stimulates the brain to respond in either caring or angry ways.

SPECIAL NOTE

Brain Research Citation:McCraty, R., Atkinson, M., Tiller, W., Rein, G., & Watkins, A. (1995).  The effects of emotions on short-term power spectrum analysis of Heart Rate Variability. American Journal of Cardiology, 76 (14), 1089-1093.

9ELEVATE – INTRODUCTION

HEART AND HEALTH 4 MINUTES

14Also, research has shown that emotions affect the immune system.

The graph on this slide has two lines illustrated, each representing a different group of people. Both groups were asked to think about a previous fight they had with their partner. Once they had the memory of the fight, one group was asked to focus on their anger and resentment for that person for five minutes. The bottom line (with circles) represents that group. In contrast, the top line (with squares) represents a group of people who were asked to focus instead on a “caring memory” of that person. The IgA concentration of each person in the group was tracked across a six hour period. IgA is one of the most common antibodies in the body, and antibodies are made by the immune system to fight bacteria, viruses and toxins. So, a higher level of IgA is good.

As you can see on the graph, both groups started off with similar immune system levels when they recalled a previous fight they had with their partner [point to first point on left]. After just five minutes of focusing on a caring or angry thought, we see a spike in their immune system.

Ask: But, what happened during the next six hours?

The immune system functioning of the caring group (top line) increased over a six hour period, whereas the immune system function of the anger group (bottom line) decreased by 30%. Thus, ruminating on negative emotions and thoughts makes our immune system worse. However, when we experience a negative emotion but shift our focus or reframe our thoughts to a positive memory, it changes our immune system for the better.

Thus, by regulating your emotions and your heart rate, you will not only help your relationship, but you will also boost your own health!

KEy POINT

Emotions affect the immune system.

10 ELEVATE – INTRODUCTION

ELEVATE yOUR LOVE 3 MINUTES

15In closing, during this program we will explore ways that you can regulate your emotions and create positive heart-brain connections that can lead to positive experiences in your relationship.

The slide shows seven core principles and practices that we will focus on during the program. These practices regulate a positive heart-brain connection and “elevate” our love for our partners. In your workbook, on page 7-8 is a tip sheet named Tips for a Healthy Relationship that provides a brief summary of each of these practices. These are also summarized on the relationship wheel [hold up and show]. Throughout the program we will refer back to this wheel.

As we explore each of these principles, we will practice exercises you can do on your own to keep your mind, heart, and emotions in-check. You can see a brief description of this on page 5-6 in your workbook. We will come back to this tip sheet later as we explore ways to manage your response to intense emotions in order to regulate your heart rate. Thus, it’s our goal to help you elevate your love for each other, and not elevate your heart rate.

KEy POINT

Provide participant a brief overview of what will be covered during the program.

WORKBOOK

Being a Mindful Couple, p 5-6. Objective: describe mindfulness and three examples for practicing it.

Tips for a Healthy Relationship, p. 7-8. Objective: provide an overview of the core skills taught in ELEVATE.

11ELEVATE – INTRODUCTION

PULSE CHECK 3 MINUTES

16To help you see this connection, you will be monitoring your heart rate throughout the program. On page 3 in your workbook, is a brief overview of the heart-brain connection that we covered. On the back (page 4) is a chart where you will be monitoring your heart rate.

Let’s take your first pulse now.

Activity (Take Your Pulse)

Have participants take their pulse for 15 seconds using one of the methods illustrated on Slide 16.

Use a timer and announce “start” and then “stop” (after 15 seconds pass) so that participants can focus on just counting their heart beats/pulses.

On page 4 in their workbook, have participants record pulse count (in the first row) and multiply that count by four to compute their heart rate per minute.

As we move through the program, you will have an opportunity to see how your heart rate changes. Feel free to write notes on this page in your workbook about how you are feeling at each time you take your pulse.

KEy POINT

Participants will practice taking their pulse in order to become self-aware of their physiological response throughout the program.

WORKBOOK

Heart-Brain Connection, p. 3-4. Objective: to review material presented and to track pulse, heart rate, and emotional state.

SPECIAL NOTE

This first pulse check will serve as a baseline from which to compare later pulse checks. Thus, it is important that everyone is able to find and document their pulse.

Before you start the timer, make sure that everyone has been able to locate their pulse. You will need to walk around and help those that need it. It is important to walk around. Some participants may not make their need for help known, so try to pay close attention. Helping participants find their pulse now will save time in later modules where pulse checks are taken.

12 ELEVATE – INTRODUCTION

NOTES

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