intimacy within a marriage

8/14/2019 Intimacy Within a Marriage

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To understand the condition of intimacy within a marriage, we first need to understand

intimacy. A common dictionary definition is as follows: a close, familiar, and usually

affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group. To leave the

meaning of intimacy within these words neglects much of its complexity. Intimacy is as

much a noun with its experience, as a verb in its act. The most important terms to

describe intimacy are: close, togetherness, self-disclosure, affection,

experience, familiarity, personal, committed.

This list of words is broken down further by authors Howard and Charlotte

Clinebell in their 1970 work titled The Intimate Enemy. In this book ten different

dimensions of intimacy are listed. D.H Olson revisits this list in theAssessing Intimacy

put to print in 1981; however, Olson refines the list to seven: emotional, social,

intellectual, sexual, recreational, spiritual, and aesthetic intimacy. Through these

accepted categories of intimacy we see the vast nature of intimacy, a state of being that

reaches far beyond the normal understanding of sex.

Relationships that begin to enter the realm of intimacy face numerous changes,

both personal, and social. For the sake of this study, we will only consider sexual

intimacy within its proper environment, that beginning through marriage. The most

trying aspects of intimacy in any of these categories is the risk of openness. Sexual

intimacy is no doubt the epitome when it comes to emotional risk.

Through this act we completely expose ourselves, becoming utterly vulnerable

and at the mercy of our spouse. Sexual intimacy should only come after a foundation of

emotional intimacy where we find comfort and trust in emotional vulnerability. This

conditioning prepares the individuals to fully enter into an intimate marital embrace that


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two might become one. Even with such an outcome, marriages still face various

challenges at all levels of intimacy.

Socially we often have our old group of friends, which can create a stain on the

new relationship; guys night(s) out for example. Moreover, what is done with friends of

the opposite sex when this new relationship reaches an intimate bond? These can cause

great strain, as jealousy is often the resulting emotion from the spouse. In addition, men

seem to suffer more from guy-time, especially the first male of a group of friends who

finds himself in marriage. Personal longings are coupled to the groups guilt trips to keep

the old times.

In looking directly at marriage it is our culture that puts the greatest strain to the

beautiful union of two becoming one. Not only is the identity or definition of marriage

been changed to meet demands of the selfish, but also the necessity of marital

commitment is fading. Marriage by in large is no longer a gift from God, but something

we use as we feel fit.

Children are no longer a product of marriage; the acceptance of common law, and

the sexual revolution saw an end to this cultural norm. We have taken marital union,

once focused on societies means of sexual fulfillment, security to live out ones life and

to raise children, and turned it into personal wants of fulfillment. What was once self-

giving is now self-pleasing.

This transition easily explains the divorce rate, because once my needs are not

met, moving on is the next best thing. There is no reason to honestly seek counseling

should everything not be meeting my needs. There is no need to change for another, only

to remain until things begin to stifle personal wants. Homes become empty; and others


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raise our children, as both parents seek to fulfill their wants in the professional world.

Motherhood has become an archaic word that symbolizes male domination and the

slavery of women.

These unfortunate realities create a ground of unhealthy conflict where couples

desire themselves and not the needs of the two. More often then enough problems are

avoided only to result in the termination of the relationship. Without a healthy

understanding of marriage, conflict is often viewed as personal conflict, resulting in what

Gail Myers would describe as Win-lose strategies in her 1988 bookThe Dynamics of

Human Communication. This approach is individualistic, which tears apart the pseudo

union that the couple is representing.

However, in marriages that are truly committed, which the vast majority rests in

faithful households, conflict is seen as healthy, or something that aids the growth of the

union. A relationship without conflict is one that is destined to fail to meet the needs of

the two and often ends in termination of the union. Should one be a committed Catholic,

their involvement in their marriage is no less then that of their faith.

Marriage is a covenant; a promise not only to one another, but also to God. With

a sacramental blessing we need to seek resolve and fulfillment of the others needs,

trusting that through such we will be fulfilled. Selflessness has no home in a Christ-

centered marriage, for this union is about life and turns to the Creators witness to seek

direction.

In such a union, the love witnessed by Christ is the bulwark. Love is not a word

that is thrown around; it is a lifeline to one another and God. By His love He created the

world and saved it. Through our love we bring life into His creation.


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Here again out culture has perverted the beauty of love to something of Sodom

and Gomorrah. Men lay with men, and women with women, all in the name of love.

Lust has lost its sour taste as we have given away to the deception of the heart through

the ills of our minds. We have taken the most amazing emotion and laid it over the

actions of animals. Love is something to fight for. Love has driven mankind from the

dawn of his birth. Only now we erase its meaning and set for lust acts of pleasure in its

place.

This is not to say these unions do not work and last as they do. However, one

can pound a triangle into the circle hole should he try hard enough. The old saying,

because we can, does not make it the right choice, needs to be taken to heart here.

Listening is a key aspect of marriage. Being willing to give up your voice and

hear the pains and needs of your spouse is vital to growth. Listening here is a verb, as the

end result must be action upon that which is heard. Should we do nothing with the pains

of our spouse, then we offer nothing to the growth of our marriage. In addition to

listening we need not only to forgive, but also realize when we are wrong. These two

actions are vital to the health of a marriage. For both are self-giving, acts of personal

surrender to the covenant of life with one another.

InA World Waiting to be Born; Civility Rediscovered, Scott Peak puts it in simple

terms life is difficult, however, he says once we accept this fact things can become

easier. He shares that as the intoxication of marriage fades we are left to understand the

needs of sacrifice and sharing, something that is often difficult. Marriage needs to be

viewed beyond the emotion to the beauty and fulfillment of personal commitment.

Scott tells us we need to look beyond the idea that communication and sex solves


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everything, sometimes we need to agree to disagree; personal sacrifice for the health of

the marriage is part of the commitment. Falling in love is only part of our commitment

to our spouse; we need to be willing to fight for each other when we seem to stop falling

for each other. There is no quick fix plan, Scott tells us, but a road of personal openness

to each other and willingness to embrace struggle. Marriage is not prefect, but its truth is

worth the fight.

The characters ofAs Good as it Gets do not witness marital unity; however, they

do speak to the culture in which we live. We witness the perversion of love through the

development of Simon the gay artist. Thankfully the focus of the film is the development

of Melvin (Nicholas) and Carol (Hunt) into an intimate relationship.

This relationship is not found within the confines of marriage; however, it

portrays various forms of conflict, sacrifice, struggle, and both selfish and self-giving

acts. This relationship shows the journey one can experience should they truly commit

themselves to the goals of a monogamous relationship. The end result is a testament of

the health resulting from a willingness to confront not only the other person, but also

yourself.

Through Melvins desire for a relationship with Carol he is willing to accept his

condition of narcissism and clear compulsive tendencies to share in her needs. While at

the same time Carol stands up to Melvin, confronts and accepts his failings in order for

them to begin understanding each other.

Again in the words of Scott Peck, life is difficult and so is marriage. However,

our lives would not only be lonely without it, but we would not achieve personal growth

should we not have another set of eyes to view our life. Should we continue to reduce


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marriage to a selfish institution, we will only witness the downfall of our modern

civilization to that of anarchy. Marriage, that being in a Christian sense, brings out the

best in men, and witnesses to a world set apart by God.

intimacy within a marriage

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