inside this issue 2015 tcf newsletter.pdf · my son is forever in my heart. he is with me every day...
TRANSCRIPT
VOLUME 24 , NO . 1 FEBRUARY 2015
Inside this issue:
Calendar and Contacts 2
Arlington Chapter 3
Fairfax Chapter 4
Leesburg Chapter 5
Prince William Chapter 6
Reston Chapter 7
Washington, DC Chapter 8
Resources 9
Our Children Remembered 10
The Valentines of Yesterday
In my lifetime I have received many Valentines. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, school friends, boyfriends, good friends, acquaintances and my husband have showered me over the years with lovely Valentines which I have so appreciated. The tradition of declaring friendship and love on Valentine’s Day is a very fond memory.
However, the sweetest Valentines I have ever received are from my son. From the first days in nursery school when my son made a hand plaque and a drawing on construction paper to the final Valentine in 2002, I have cherished these gifts of love from my only child. I have kept every Valentine my son ever made for me or bought for me. I have every Valentine gift he ever gave me. These are the treasures that remind me how special a parent’s love truly is. There is no love to compare with the unconditional love we give our children. I think my son knew that nobody in the world would love him as much as his mother did. Yet, he also knew that he would love his children in just this same way. This unconditional parent’s love that we give our children is the most precious love in life. It is always our hope that they, too, will find the joy of this love with their children.
When our child dies, we cling to our unconditional love as we feel the anguish of a final separation on this earthly plane and a tsunami of betrayal as the devastation of this incomprehensible loss sweeps over us. The pain is real. It is physical, emotional, psychological and forever embedded on our psyche.
Yet, without that unconditional love, there would be no pain. Who among us would trade the most infinitely rewarding love and the subsequent pain of loss for a life of lukewarm relationships?
And so, as Valentine’s Day once again comes into my life, I will look back at this love, at the good times, the wonderful handmade childhood Valentine cards and gifts and the carefully selected cards of adulthood that my son gave to me. His words, his love, his appreciation for all that we had shared as mother and child will be reflected in these treasures. There will be tears, certainly, but these are tempered with the many wonderful, sweet memories of my son and his life. It is these sweet memories which sustain me, give me hope, and bring me gratitude for all that was given to me. My son is forever in my heart. He is with me every day and every night, and especially, he is with me on Valentine’s Day.
~Annette Mennen Baldwin, TCF, Katy, TX In Memory of my son, Todd Mennen
Page 2 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC February 2015
Arlington Chapter Contact: Lois Copeland 301-520-0225 [email protected]
Please send “Love Gifts” to: Wayne Hubbard 23230 Linden Ct. Lexington Park, MD 20653
Trinity Presbyterian Church 5533 N.16th St Arlington, VA Second Thursdays 7:30 PM
Fairfax Chapter Contact: Carol Marino [email protected] Chapter Phone: (703) 622-3639
Please send “Love Gifts” to: Monica Clark 5444 Ladue Lane Fairfax, VA 22030 Attn: TCF
Old St. Mary’s Hall next to St. Mary’s Historic Church and Cemetery Fairfax Station Rd and Route 123 Fairfax, VA 22030 First Wednesdays 7:30 PM
Leesburg Chapter Contact: Bev or Bernie Elero (540) 882-9707
Please send “Love Gifts” to: Mrs. Anne Shattuck 224 Walnut Ridge Ln. Palmyra, VA 22963
St. James Episcopal Church Janney Parlor 14 Cornwall St NW Leesburg, VA First Wednesdays 7:30 PM
Prince William Chapter Contact: Jennifer Malloch [email protected] (571) 229-0768
Please send “Love Gifts” to: Melody Ridgeway 9366 Dahlia Ct. Manassas, VA 20110
Buckhall United Methodist Church, White building to the left of the church 10251 Moore Dr, Manassas, VA 20111 Third Wednesdays 7:30 PM
North County Gov Bld. Reston Police Station Bld. 12000 Bowman Towne Drive Reston, VA Second Saturdays 2:00 PM
TCF Reston (for no surviving children) Contact: Nancy Vollmer (VA) (703) 860-8587 Sharon Skarzynski (MD) (410) 757-5049
Washington, DC Chapter Contact: Jean Pierce (301) 538-4209 [email protected]
Please send “Love Gifts” to: Coralease Ruff 3314 Applegrove Ct. Oak Hill, VA 20171
The Howard University Carnegie Bldg. Room B 2395 Sixth Street, NW Washington, DC 20059 Third Wednesdays 7:00 PM
Newsletter Team Editor Janet Keeports [email protected] Database Manager Brenda Sullivan [email protected] Treasurer Wayne Hubbard 23230 Linden Ct. Lexington Park, MD 20653 [email protected] Reporters: Arlington Ron Byrd [email protected] Fairfax Katy Frank, [email protected] Washington, DC Veronica Stubbs, [email protected] Leesburg Bev Elero, [email protected] Prince William Selina Farmer-Williams [email protected] Reston Ilona Lantos, [email protected]
Regional Coordinator Kathy Collins [email protected] TCF National Headquarters PO Box 3696 Oak Brook IL 60522-3696 www.compassionatefriends.org (877) 969-0010
Arlington Website www.tcfarlington.org Webmaster: Lois Copeland [email protected] Fairfax Website www.tcffairfax.org
Leesburg Website www.tcfleesburg.org [email protected]
Prince William Website www.tcfprincewilliam.org [email protected]
Washington, DC Website www.tcfwashingtondc.org
Meetings February 2015
Wednesday, February 4, 2014
7:30 PM Fairfax
7:30 PM Leesburg
Saturday, February 14, 2014
2:00 PM Reston
Thursday, February 12, 2014
7:30 PM Arlington
Wednesday, February 18, 2014
7:30 PM Prince William
7:00 PM Washington, DC
Page 3 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC February 2015
Ode to Pamela Sue
After 37 years of being man and wife A brain tumor took our daughter’s life.
We then learned about three grief groups where Bereaved parents were allowed to mourn and care.
Arlington TCF, Burke-Springfield and Bethesda too
These Compassionate Friends showed us what to do. We co-led Arlington for almost a year
And then started Potomac with never a fear.
Meanwhile four of us founded a Brain Tumor Run Researching a cure where there was none.
The success of this race led us to share Our ideas with TCF’s directors in Portland fair.
So the WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE concept began Culminating every summer conference that TCF ran.
Thousands now walk together hand in hand To spread our legacy throughout the land.
As the years have gone by we continue to give Realizing to help is to heal and let us all live.
For once grief begins it never quite ends That’s why we cherish The Compassionate Friends.
~Written in memory of Pamela Sue Chaiken
January 17, 1964 to September 29, 1995 by Lionel and Sandra Chaiken
The Race for Hope DC, a 5K course in the nation’s capital, is a fun and inspiring way to join forces in the fight against brain tumors by raising funds for research. It is one of the largest fundraisers in the country benefiting the brain tumor community and the proceeds support National Brain Tumor Society and Accelerate Brain Cancer Cure. Through generous gifts from individuals and company sponsorships, the Race for Hope - DC has raised over $22.5 million in its history. Join thousands of runners and walkers supporting the brain tumor community on May 3, 2015, by participating in the 18th Annual Race for Hope - DC at Freedom Plaza in Washington, DC.
For more information and to register visit: http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/TR/TeamraiserEvents/RFH-DC?pg=entry&fr_id=2360
Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself; They remember your beauty when you feel ugly... your wholeness when you are broken… your innocence when you feel guilty… and your purpose when you are confused.
~African saying
Articles for submission in the newsletter are welcome and solicited and should be e-mailed to Ron Byrd at: [email protected].
Love Gifts
June Byrd, in honor of husband Ron Byrd’s birthday
Kay & Frank Gallagher, holiday blessings in honor of their grandchild Jackson Lee Gallagher
Sandra & Jay Mervis, in loving memory of grandson Rafi Martin
Lois & Jay Copeland, congratulations to Marchelle & Frank Wood on the birth of their grandson Cole
Buchanan
Lois & Jay Copeland, congratulations to Kate & Russell Orf and Sam & Patricia Morton on the birth of their daughter and grand daughter Juliana Paige
Lois & Jay Copeland, in loving memory of their son David Michael Copeland
David & Jessie Cowhig, in memory of their beloved son Patrick Cowhig
Ron & June Byrd, in loving memory of their daughter Erika Byrd
Katy & Kent Womack, in loving memory of their son Andrew J. Womack
Kayoko & Wayne Hubbard, in loving memory of their son Taylor Isao Hubbard
With love for all our children.
Page 4 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC February 2015
Reflections from the 2014 Candle Lighting
“The Candle Lighting program was wonderful. The songs and readings really hit the mark with us.”
~Dave and Cindy, Darren’s Parents
“Thank you for such a special and moving ceremony to honor those who we have lost.”
~Merry, Mikey’s Mom
“The Candle Lighting is a beautiful and treasured tradition for me now. It is important to take that
quiet, reflective time in that beautiful, historic church to reflect on Will’s life and what a gift he was to all of us. The candle is a small reminder that his light
shines on each and every day.”
~Louise, Will’s Mom
Thank you to Carol Marino for her outstanding organization and for creating this event for all the Fairfax TCF families. It is such a labor of love and the chapter truly appreciates all of her hard work.
Thank you also for to the volunteers who helped with the event. The event could not go on without your help.
Coping with Grief
Are you looking for literature or resources to help you with your grief? The Fairfax TCF library is quite extensive. Here are some books in the category of coping with grief that you might find helpful:
The Bereaved Parent (Schiff)
Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul (Canfield/Hansen)
Dear Parents – Letters to Bereaved Parents
Don’t Take My Grief Away – What to Do When You Lose a Loved One (Manning)
Don’t Waste Your Sorrows – Finding God’s Purpose in the Midst of Pain (Billheimer)
Gentle Closings – How to Say Goodbye to Someone You Love (Menten)
Good Grief (Westberg)
Help During Grief – Hope for the Hurting (Mark/Ammerman)
Holding Onto Love: Searching for Hope when a Child Dies (Collins)
How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies (Rando)
I Have No Intention of Saying Good-Bye (Fox)
Knowing Why Changes Nothing
Living Through Mourning (Schiff)
Living With an Empty Chair (Temes)
The Mourning Handbook (Fitzgerald)
On Grief and Grieving (Kubler-Ross/Kessler)
Parental Loss of a Child (Rando)
Parting is Not Goodbye
Roses in December (Heavilin)
So Will I Comfort You (Kander)
The Worst Loss – How Families Heal from the Death of a Child (Rosof)
Unspoken Grief
We Need Not Walk Alone
What Helped Me When My Loved One Died (Grollman)
When Bad Things Happen to Good People (Kushner)
When the Bough Breaks (Bernstein)
When Your Dreams Die (Heavilin)
Where Is God When It Hurts? (Yancey)
Why Are the Casseroles Always Tuna? The Lighter Side of Grief (Sims)
If you would like to submit an entry for the TCF Fairfax Page, please send it to the Fairfax editor by the 10th of each month.
Welcome to New Members
Caitlin Johnson of Chantilly, VA, sister of Benjamin Johnson
George Johnson of Sterling, VA,
father of Ben Johnson
Sincere Thanks for the Love Gifts
Thank you to all who donated at the 2014 Candle Lighting in December.
Page 5 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC February 2015
We Know About Love
I believe that bereaved parents know more about true love than others. We know the love for our child when they were in the womb before we even met them. We know about loving them when they are helpless infants with nothing to give back. We know what it is like to love our toddlers through the terrible two’s (if we are blessed enough to have them that long). We know about loving our child through potty training, temper tantrums, sickness, stubbornness and learning difficulties. We know about loving them through the difficult teenage years. Some of us know what it is like loving our children through rebellion, bad choices, rejection, through depression, mental illness, through alcohol and drug addiction and through physical illness and more. We have loved our children through it all, whether they have lived only in the womb or to adulthood. We know what it means to love our child so deeply within our hearts that we ache with love because they are no longer physically here. It is a love so deeply embedded within us and nobody but another bereaved parent could know the depth of this kind of love. Please, dear bereaved parents, do not let this kind of love be quenched and wasted by keeping it only within. For our precious children’s sake, open your hearts to love and give their love away to others and it will surely come back to you. On our son Brian’s grave marker we had this inscribed:
“For love is as strong as death…”
“Many waters cannot quench love, rivers cannot wash it away.” Song of Songs 8:6b,7a.
Much love to you all,
~Beverly Elero, TCF, Leesburg, VA In loving memory of our sons Brian Patrick and Brent Joseph
Love Letter to My Compassionate Friends
This is my love letter to you on Valentine’s Day. When Sarah died I thought my heart would never again feel anything except pain. I was so over-whelmed with grief. My thoughts and feelings were only on my own tragedy. And then I met you.
You shared your sorrow and your tears with me. I learned of your loss, your life, your children now gone. And my heart was broken for you — my weary heart, that I thought would never care about anyone else ever again.
When you shared the hurting, vulnerable, intimate core of yourself with me, my heart was revived. When you trusted me to know your precious child and your bruised love for this one who was the delight of your heart, my exhausted soul was encouraged. Your words comfort me. Your hugs strengthen me. Your tears quench my thirst.
As I see you heal, I know that I also become whole again. When I hear you laugh, I trust that lightness will one day return to my heart. Thank you for being my compassionate friend. I love you.
~Linda M., TCF, Medford, OR
A Love Song
The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes. But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend, please don’t keep me from hearing the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and fills my soul with love.
~Nancy Williams, TCF, New Jersey
“Grief over the death of a child is the hardest work that most of us will ever do. While we all wish for the pain to stop, we need to remember that we grieve intensely because we loved intensely. It is unrealistic to expect the grief to ever totally go away, because the love we have for our child will never go away. Our grief is an act of love and is nothing for which we should be ashamed.”
~Elaine Grier, Philip’s Mom, TCF, Atlanta, GA
“In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.”
~Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta
A Warm Welcome
Suzie Bartel, mother of Ryan
Suzanna and Kevin Demski, parents of Michael John
Diamante, Monica, and Preasha Ellis: father, grandmother and aunt of Devin Nicole Ellis
Bonnie and Colin Savage, mother and brother of Nick
A Very Special Thank You
Brother David Schlatter for his tender words and his moving and loving presentation of the Bells of Remembrance.
Elizabeth Pickett for her handmade heart ornaments in loving memory of her mother and her daughter, Callie.
Thank You for Your Love Gifts
Bev and Wright Horton, in loving memory of their son, James
Beth and Nils Jesperson, in loving memory of their son, Eirik
Betsy and Brad Quin, in loving memory of their son, Michael
Page 6 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC February 2015
Broken Heart Syndrome
One afternoon, I was channel surfing looking for something to watch, when I came across the Oprah Winfrey Channel. Oprah was interviewing a woman named Madonna Badger. On Christmas Day, 2011, Madonna’s 7 year old twins, a boy and a girl, her 9 year old daughter and her parents all died in a horrific house fire. She spoke of the unrelenting grief and sorrow she has suffered in the years since. I was riveted to the television screen as she recanted her story. As she talked, she coined a phrase that I had never heard of before to describe her pain, “Broken Heart Syndrome.” It is a temporary condition that is brought on by extreme stressful situations, such as the death of someone deeply loved.
I thought, finally there is a label for the intense pain and suffering that those who grieve feel! Broken Heart Syndrome is an identifiable condition brought on by stressful situations, such as the death of a loved one. Broken Heart Syndrome is also called takotsubo cardiomyopathy. Broken Heart Syndrome manifests as a temporary disruption of the heart’s normal pumping function or with even more forceful contractions, while the remainder of the heart functions normally. Symptoms can include chest pain and shortness of breath. It affects more women than men. It is attributed to a reaction to a surge of stress hormones.
After my daughter died, I suffered with intense bouts of pain on the outer left muscular wall of my upper torso. An EKG revealed no abnormalities. Seven years later, I still never know when this pain might reoccur. I have, however, connected my episodes with certain stressors, such as my child’s birth and death dates, holidays and special occasions. Although doctors are just now learning about this condition, the good news is that broken heart syndrome is treatable and the discomfort should
abate with time. If you think you might be suffering from broken heart syndrome, you should discuss it with your physician.
Let us all take care of our own hearts this Valentine’s Day.
~Janet Reyes, TCF, Alamo Area Chapter, TX
As Long As I Can
As long as I can, I will laugh with the bird, I will sing with flowers, I will play to the stars, for both of us. As long as I can, I will remember how many things on this earth were your joy. And I will live as well as you would want me to live, as long as I can.
~Sascha Wagner
Announcements
We are now accepting names for the 4th edition Memorial T-Shirt and 4th edition Memorial Sweatshirt.
For More information or to see what previous editions looked like please go to the Memorial T-Shirts for Children Gone Too Soon Facebook page by clicking on the following link: Memorial T-Shirts for Children Gone Too Soon
To add your child’s name you must send a private message to https://www.facebook.com/messages/295928887241790. Please indicate in the message whether you want your angel added to the 4th Edition Memorial T-Shirt, the 4th Edition Memorial Sweatshirt or both. Your Angel will be added to both unless otherwise specified. Names are being accepted until February 20th.
The 4th edition Memorial T-Shirts will be $20 each and come in a choice of Steel Blue and Jade Green, Sizes Small to 6XL.
The 4th edition Memorial Zipper Sweatshirt will be $40 each and come in a choice of Navy and Purple, Sizes Small to 5XL.
The 4th edition Memorial T-Shirt and 4th edition Memorial Sweatshirts will be on sale from February 23rd - March 23rd and delivered around April 7th.
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
~ Author Unknown
Page 7 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC February 2015
Alive on Canvas® –A New Way to Share the Memory of Your Loved One
What should families do with a deceased loved one’s personal belongings? This situation is hard to contemplate. Meaningful, memorable possessions usually end up stored in a basement or drawer, or displayed in a lifeless shadow box.
Now, there’s a poignant way for families to share and enjoy such cherished items. Artist Gina Klawitter creates life-like, celebratory keepsake portraits featuring her subjects’ personal clothing and belongings. From christening gowns to sports uniforms and play outfits, Gina artfully forms clothing and other items into custom collage paintings. She calls her unique collage art, Alive on Canvas®. Gina also offers a how-to book, Commemorate, Celebrate! for those who want to create their piece as a means of hands-on healing. (No art or craft skills required.)
“It’s like he’s there!” Barb exclaimed upon first seeing her art of son Zachary, featuring his beloved baseball T-shirt, cap, and related memorabilia. Nine years after his death, Barb and her husband sorted through boxes of Zachary’s belongings, reminisced, consorted, selected and worked with Gina as she composed and created his piece. Today, they relish in Zachary’s joyful collage; a “gift” that fosters renewed remembrance.
Aubrey’s Disney Princess tutu and well-worn shoes lay on mother Jeannie’s dresser. Aubrey had died in an accident six
months prior. Jeannie wanted to commemorate and celebrate Aubrey. She also wanted to preserve and enjoy – while minimizing – Aubrey’s room and possessions. Jeannie decided to have two art pieces created. Aubrey was happiest when dancing around the house, delighting in static hair. A merry collage of her tutu and dance shoes now decorates Aubrey’s repurposed bedroom. Art of the outfit worn on her last day of life – a happy day at the zoo – is proudly displayed in the living room.
A large part of Gina’s artistic development process is consulting with her clients. Some have a definite article of clothing in mind. Many have several items, photographs and related memories they’d like to use. Through a process of showing and telling, Gina helps identify and compose a story that captures the loved one’s essence. In person or by email, Gina shares the art with her client at different stages for feedback and confirmation.
Alive on Canvas® portrait collage is a lovely, tangible and expressive way for bereaved families to celebrate and memorialize a loved one. In addition, Gina co-founded Bereavement Artists – a non-profit directory of artists who specialize in custom bereavement work. From artful urns to radiant ash-embedded pendants, unique clothing art, collages, portraits and more, the purpose for the site is to connect anyone, anywhere, to a desired art form and artist that speaks to their taste, need, and budget.
For more information, visit: https://journeysthrugrief.wordpress.com/2014/11/07/alive-on-canvas-klawitter/
Quotes from The Compassionate Friends Facebook Page to Console
Our Grieving Hearts
If you mention my child’s name, I may cry. But if you don’t mention it, you will break my heart.
~Anonymous, October 24, 2014
When the links of life are broken and a child has to part, there is NOTHING that will ever heal a parent’s broken
heart.
~Unknown author, January 10, 2015
Our physical hearts are small but can hold unlimited joy, such as the joy we first experienced when we realized
we were going to be parents. The joy of planning for the birth, followed by our hopes and dreams for our
children. However, the heart so small can also hold much heartache. The pain and sorrow we experience when our child, grandchild or sibling dies makes our
heart feel as though it will burst and our arms ache as we long to hold them. May our hearts continue to heal as we
help each other along this journey.
~Karen Cantrell, TCF, Frankfort, KY, June 28, 2014
Page 8 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC February 2015
Facing February
Regardless of where we are in our grief journey I have found it helpful to share information on coping, especially as we prepare to endure another year without our loved ones. And so I turn to my favorite grief management consultant and bereaved parent, the late Darcie Sims. Darcie titles her article “Light in the January Gloom” but I believe her thoughts to be equally relevant for the month of February. Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself.
~Veronica Stubbs, DC TCF Darrin’s Mom, Jay and Sean’s Aunt
Light in the January Gloom
It’s January everywhere and for most of us, it is not the season of light. The season of light is past… lost in the mid-winter gloom of ice and snow. We managed to survive Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas and now we are left with the emptiness and dread of the gray snow months… snow no longer light and fluffy, but grown icy and black with the soot and the earth’s brown tinge. January is hardly the season of light for most of the world.
It is a time of reflection, of evaluating, of measuring ourselves against the yardsticks of progress. It is a time of planning, of making resolutions that will only be broken before they are even remembered and a time of wondering. It is a time of short days and longer nights… of icy winds and cold hands. It is a time when the light seems dim and distant and maybe just plain impossible.
WHEN IS IT GOING TO GET BETTER is the question we ask in January. When will IT stop hurting SO MUCH ? Surely there must be a better prize for surviving the holiday madness than this empty feeling that creeps into our very bones in January! There must be light somewhere… but where and when will it return to my life?
January is often the month of despair and yet it marks the beginning of a new year… a fresh start, a chance to do it better, or right, or less often, or more often or not at all. Surely it will get better THIS YEAR! Surely I won’t hurt THIS MUCH this year! We search for some sign of hope in this month of icicles…some sign of magic that will keep us going until the warmth of spring arrives.
In what seems to be the longest month of the year, there seems to be little light. But that is what I want to think about now. The SEASONS OF LIGHT.
The Seasons of Light began sometime shortly after you discovered breathing. From the moment you drew your first breath, light was a part of your life. Do you remember watching the stars at night while laying on your back in the backyard or at camp? Do you remember seeing the light in your parent’s eyes as you performed at your first piano recital or participated in the spelling bee?
Can you remember your first love… and your second and your third? Do you remember the moment you discovered your partner was going to be more than just a casual companion? Do you remember the GLOW OF ANTICIPATION when you discovered you were going to have a baby?
Light has always been a part of your life. Remember birthday candles? Do you remember the look on your child’s face when the candles were lit… or can you remember what you imagined that look would be?
The Seasons of Light… those moments when time stood still for a fraction of a second and are etched onto your soul; your first date, THE PROM, your wedding, your child’s first step, his first words, her first smile. The first communion, date, learning to drive, graduation, wedding…your first grandchild.
The Seasons of Light… when life was in order… when the magic worked and for a moment… a single moment, happiness simply filled your life with light. You remember them… even now, even as they bring tears of remembrance. Or perhaps all you have are tears of anticipation because there were so few moments of light. But ALL OF US HAVE some memories…even if they are only brief ones in our imagination. There are memories of those quiet, private moments when you DREAMED of the light.
But now… those lights have gone out. Our loved ones have DIED and the lights are gone… never to twinkle again on this plane. The world has grown dark and cold and every month seems to be January.
WHAT’S THE USE of going on when there are no more lights to be lit? How are you going to make it through the darkness if there are no lights left for you?
I wish I had the answer! I cannot even guess at the depth of the darkness that must be within you at times. But, I do know that darkness does not have to last forever — even though it seems as though it does.
Yes, the light went out and the Seasons of Light seem to have grown dim. But it must be light somewhere! No matter how shattered your life, how fragmented your dreams, there must be light somewhere. There must be hope somewhere!
Our loved ones have DIED. We did not lose them or the love we share. Practice thinking and then saying… my child, wife, husband, mother, father, brother, sister, friend, DIED. Not “I lost my _________.” OUR LOVED ONES ARE STILL AND ALWAYS WILL BE A PART OF US. WE CANNOT LOSE THEIR LOVE.
But sometimes, we think we do. Sometimes, we cannot remember the light. Sometimes, especially in the early months and even years of grief, all we can remember is the pain and horribleness of the death. Pain seems to overshadow everything. We will not erase that pain today… or ever. The pain of this darkness will always be with us, but it will change its intensity and its depth.
(continued on page 9)
Love Gifts
We gratefully appreciate and acknowledge gifts from:
Beverly Hill, in loving memory of her son, Kibwe Dorman
Benita Nelson-Tutt, in loving memory of her son, Herman Tutt, Jr.
Coralease Ruff, in loving memory of her daughter, Candice (Kandy) Ruff
Page 9 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC February 2015
Resources Survivors of Suicide www.survivorsofsuicide.com American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
www.afsp.org 888-333-2377 Parents of Murdered Children
www.pomc.com 888-818-7662 Haven of Northern Virginia
www.havenofnova.org 703-941-7000 CrisisLink
www.crisislink.org 703-527-4077 SHARE (pregnancy & infant loss support)
www.nationalshare.org 800-821-6819
MISS Foundation (pregnancy/infant loss support)
www.missfoundation.org. (national)
www.dcmissfoundation.org (local chapter)
Roberta Quick 703-728-8446 Washington Regional Transplant Community
www.beadonor.org 703-641-0100
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
800-273-8255 (TALK)
Other helpful websites:
www.griefnet.org
www.goodgrief.org
www.thebereavementjourney.com
www.griefwatch.com
www.journeyofhearts.org
www.bereavedparentsusa.org
www.healingheart.net
www.childrenofdome.com
www.spacebetweenbreaths.com
www.holdingontolove.com
www.griefhaven.com
www.centerforloss.com
(continued from page 8)
At first, all I could remember were the awful things. I kept track of all the things I didn’t have any more and mental lists of the things I would never know or experience. But, as I LIVED THROUGH those memories, I discovered, that slowly, gently, those memories faded and were replaced, in time, with memories of his smile, his giggle, his LIFE DAYS, not HIS DEATH DAYS.
I began to remember that our son (and my mom) LIVED… not just that they DIED! Their LIGHT HAD GIVEN BIRTH TO OUR HAPPINESS AND ONCE I ACKNOWLEDGED THE DARKNESS, THE LIGHT COULD BEGIN TO PEEK THROUGH! Now, when I remember Austin and Mom, It is with JOY, and WONDER, and GRATEFULNESS THAT THEY WERE A PART OF OUR LIVES AT ALL!
So in this season of COLD LIGHT…
Be PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. Do what you can and let it be enough. We live in a world of OUGHTS AND SHOULDS and suffer from GUILT because we cannot meet our own expectations. Be patient.
Be REALISTIC. It will hurt, but don’t try to block bad moments. Be ready for them. Let those hurting moments come, deal with them and let them go.
Be KIND AND GENTLE AND FORGIVING of yourself. Figure out what you SHOULD do, balance it against what you CAN DO and the compromise. FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR LIVING.
ASK FOR HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF PHYSICALLY. Eat right. Exercise. Jog your memory.
WORK AT LIFTING DEPRESSION. Take responsibility for self. We cannot wait for someone else to turn on the lights. We have to do that for ourselves. Think of things you enjoy and give yourself a treat.
LEARN TO LOOK FOR JOY IN THE MOMENT. Learn to celebrate what you do have… change the way you look at things. Get a pair of ROSE COLORED GLASSES.
FIND THE LIGHT THAT YOUR LOVED ONE BROUGHT TO YOUR LIFE.
Find the music of your loved one and listen to it… again and again, of only in your memory and tuck it away for the gloomy days.
LIVE THROUGH THE HURT SO THAT JOY CAN RETURN TO WARM YOUR HEART AND LIGHT YOUR LIFE.
So, build a bonfire and light it during this gloomy January and REMEMBER THE JOY THAT USED TO LIGHT YOUR HEART. Bask in the warmth of LOVE GIVEN AND RECEIVED.
LOOK FOR THE LIGHT…IT’S OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.
And may your January be kept warm with the light of your memories!
~Darcie Sims
Page 10 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC February 2015
Please contact your local chapter leadership about any errors or omissions.
Greg Snellings Feb 1 Kristen Snellings
Mallory Anne Fraser Feb 2 Carla & Mike Fraser
Kathryn Rose Freeman Feb 2 Peter & Joy Freeman
Kayleigh Plamondon Feb 2 Debbie Plamondon
Jordan Edward Riley Feb 3 Deborah Riley
Christian Norman Feb 4 Jodi Norman
Adam Powalski Feb 4 Rosemarie Powalski
Diane Bradish Feb 6 George Bradish
Alex Leonard Feb 6 Liz Kestler
Raphael (Rafi) Martin Feb 7 Sandee & Jay Mervis
Kevin Walker Feb 7 Lois Walker
Brenia Anyaibe Webster Feb 7 Stephetra Anyaibe
Alyssia Cage Feb 8 Carol Moran
Patrick Cowhig Feb 8 David & Jesse Cowhig
Kevin Patrick McGuinn Feb 8 Julia Ward
Richard Jackson Feb 9 Margaret & Gary Jackson
Geraldine “Gigi” Olivia Clark Feb 11 Jackie Clark
Conor Keegan Feb 11 Mary & Paul Keegan
Christopher Thomas Gasmon
Feb 12 Carla & Charles Vella
Jenna Erickson Feb 14 June & Jed Erickson
Becky Johns Feb 14 Sandy Johns
Lola Rapp Feb 15 Bill & Layla Rapp
Jennifer Coyne Feb 16 Julie & Burton Simonds
Elizabeth Rowland Feb 16 Deborah Rowland
Kammie Windham Feb 16 Roy & Susie Windham
Abigail Burroughs Feb 17 Frank Burroughs
Michael Alexander Zmidzinski
Feb 17 Andy Zmidzinski
Michael Zmidzinski Feb 17 Renee Youngs
Danny Hibbits Feb 18 John & Mary Hibbits
Ashley Renee Thompson
Feb 18 Sam & Robin Thompson
Laura Viney Feb 19 Janeen Meehan
Israel De La Cruz Feb 20 Dolores De La Cruz
Tony Franco Feb 20 Sara & John Franco
Kimberly Heather Adams
Feb 21 Kenneth & Susan Adams
Jackson Lee Gallagher Feb 21 Kay & Frank Gallagher
Stephanie Jean Fiorino Feb 22 Sue Ellen Wells
Maxwell Andrew DiPalma
Feb 23 Cindy & Bob DiPalma
Vanessa Pean Feb 23 Gail & Leslie Pean
Susan Klatte Feb 24 Debbie Horn & Brian Klatte
Kelly Elizabeth Baker Feb 25 Andrea & William Baker
Victoria Kimmel Feb 25 Helen Kimmel
“EJ” Hubert Eugene Dill Feb 26 Veronica Dill
Adam Steven Katz Feb 26 Linda & Howard Katz
Luke Golden Feb 27 Jennifer & Josh Golden
Jordan McLeod Johnson
Feb 27 Peggi & Jeff Johnson
Eric Johnson Feb 27 Janet Celly
Dominic Anthony Mason Feb 28 Debby & Jim Pugliese
Steven A. McGrath Feb 28 Frederick & Nancy Schultz
Page 11 The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC February 2015
Please contact your local chapter leadership about any errors or omissions.
Eunice Calcaterra Feb 2 Lynette & Dennis Calcaterra
Anthony Campola Feb 2 Jennifer Campola
Jessica Stein Feb 2 Gary & Doris Stein
Ashley Burlison Feb 3 Rudy & Terrye Richter
Theanros “Teddy” Ayalneh Ejigu
Feb 3 Ayalneh & Webishaw Ejigu
Leisa Reno Feb 3 John & Jane Trimble
Sekou T. Hamilton Feb 4 Ruby Hamilton
Jenna Erickson Feb 5 June & Jed Erickson
Kevin Boskey Feb 6 Kristie Michajlyszyn
Natalie Gehrki Feb 6 Kristina Gehrki
Andrew O’Brien Feb 8 Missy O’Brien
Sharon Cutlip Feb 9 Judyth Britt
Nicole Marie Megaloudis Feb 9 Gail & Thomas Rongen
John Henry Johnson III Feb 10 Neire & John Johnson
Conor Keegan Feb 11 Mary & Paul Keegan
Andres Callo Cajiao Feb 12 Ximena Cajiao
Bridget Braceland Feb 13 Laura Braceland
Jacob Barbour Feb 14 Nancy & Bob Barbour
Christopher Deane “Chris” Morton
Feb 15 Samuel & Patricia Morton Katherine Morton Orf
Colleen Chase Feb 17 Arthur & Patricia Chase
Josh Sanders-Wooley Feb 18 Erin Bevis-Carter
Taft J. Sellers Feb 18 Vickie Sellers
Jason Badra Feb 19 Diana Badra
Timothy Auton Feb 20 Sylvia Hanvey
Joshua Butler Feb 21 David Butler
Joel Culpepper Feb 22 Iris & Hurare Culpepper
Kristin Marie Harkness Feb 22 Linda & Tom Harkness
Michael Quin Feb 22 Betsy & Brad Quin
Andrew Even Bourland Feb 23 Colleen Bourland
Alexander Britton “Sandy” Hume
Feb 23 Clare Stoner Hume
Christine Marie McNabb Feb 23 Barbara & Gary Secen
Will Foreman Feb 24 Louise & Mark Foreman
Mary Margaret “Molly” Moriarty
Feb 24 Tim Moriarty & Mary Frances Moriarty
Susan Elizabeth Bell Feb 25 John & Mary Bell
Christopher Wesley Blok Feb 25 Rosemarie & Richard Blok
Darnell Gregory Gunter Feb 25 Olivia Gunter
David Alvin Maxfield Feb 26 Al & Joyce Maxfield
Jackie Bruhn Feb 27 Barbara Bruhn
John Silva Feb 27 Mary Reddy
Brenia Anyaibe Webster Feb 27 Stephetra Anyaibe
Aaron Bernstein Feb 28 Grace Curry
Katherine Marie “Katie” Galloway
Feb 28 Rich & Lori Galloway
Devin Rae Luff Feb 28 Janell Luff
The Compassionate Friends c/o Trinity Presbyterian Church 5533 North 16th Street Arlington, VA 22205
Address Service Requested
“There is no friendship, no love,
like that of the parent for the child.” ~Henry Ward Beecher
The Mission of The Compassionate Friends: When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better assist the grieving family.
February 2015