Inland Valley Times Friday, February 8, 2002 3<,

Kids are special regardless of strengths, weaknessesAs parents, many of us

have been sold a lineby psychologists and

other children's experts. Wehave been taught that howev-er uncoordinated, untalentedor disinterested a child maybe, there is something outthere that he or she excels at,and we need to find it in orderfor that child to be a wholeperson who will be able tofunction normally in life.

Many of us have swallowedthis philosophy and haveembarked upon a desperatequest to find our child's niche.From a young age we maypush our children into sports,art, dance, music lessons andother activities in frenzied pur-suit of this evasive yet magicalkey to success.

I think we're making a bigmistake.

At 9 years old, Jasmine hasexperienced varying degreesof success in such areas as bal-let, piano, tap, basketball, iceskating and taekwondo.However, she hasn't excelledin anything. In addition,she has attention deficitdisorder and has' struggledacademically.

"I was at my wit's end," hermom, Sandy, told me. "Wetried it all. I found things sheloves and she does well, butshe's not at the top."

VeronicaJames

dren to worthwhile interestsand activities and encourag-ing them to do their best and

. excel whenever possible.However, we need to be care-ful about the messages we aresending them, and even themessages we are believingourselves.

If we're not careful, our chil-dren may come to believe thatthey are not acceptable, lov-able or worthy people untilthey find something that theycan do better than most otherpeople. Subconsciously, wemay begin to believe this phi-losophy ourselves and react toour children based on theirperformance, We may beapproving, positive anddemonstrative of our lovewhen they win or achieve, andbecome disapproving, nega-tive and distant when they loseor fail. .

. We live in a highly competi-tive society. We may say thatwe don't want to push our kidstoo much or that we don'tvalue competition and win-ning.

"They don't have to be starathletes, straight-A students oraward-winning artists," wemay say. But aren't those thekinds of achievements westrive for and celebrate?

I remember when my oldestdaughter began playing soc-

cer. At the time, I thought Iwas a fairly nonchalant parent,especially concerninq sports.But I really surprised myself ..Once the game began, there Iwas, along with my husband,cheering her up and down thefield, yelling: "Go, Teresa! Getthe ball! Kick it! Go!"

Teresa couldn't have caredless. She didn't seem to knowwho was winning the gamemost of the time. Meanwhile,my husband and I, along withthe rest of the parents, wereacutely aware of the score atall times.

Some parents have theirkids so busy with activities that·the kids don't have time toplay in the grass, gaze at thesky or just be kids. Often thesechildren are expected to per-

.form up to their parents' highexpectations, and often theydo. They may be straight-Astudents, soccer stars oraccomplished pianists. But, sowhat? Does that make thembetter and more valuablepeople? Does that make themkinder, more loving, generousand honest?

On the contrary, successfulchildren sometimes developarrogance, self-centerednessand feelings of superiority.Since society rewards theirachievements, their parentsmay take on similar attitudes

(lOSE TO HOMEveronicajomes@mindspring.(om

When Jasmine was 7,Sandy enrolled her in a balletclass that she loved. After amonth and a half, she hadmade several new friends andwas doing well in class.However, her instructorsdecided that she hadn't pro-gressed enough and kickedher out of class.

..She didn't understand, n

Sandy said ... She still wantedto do ballet. She loved it andfelt successful. She was con-fused and thought she haddone something wrong."

Sandy felt better after talk-ing with Jasmine's godfather,who said that academic andextracurricular success wereoverrated.

He told Sandy that it reallydoesn't matter as long asJasmine grows up to be a car-ingperson.

Of course there is nothingwrong with exposing our chil-

and believe that they are bet-ter parents or that they areresponsible for their children'snatural talents.

While parents C9Il takecredit for helping childrendevelop their gifts, they needto remember that they did notbestow specific talents uponthem.

Yes, we live in a competi-tive society. But when our kidsare adults, no one is evergoing to want to see their ele-mentary school transcripts,probably not their high schooltranscripts and maybe noteven their college transcripts,much less their trophy collec-tions.

Maybe We should startrewarding acts of kindness,generosity and character traitsthat will actually make ourchildren better people andmore useful citizens. Perhapswe need to encourage ourchildren to go against thegrain and be less focused onthemselves and their achieve-ments and more focused onothers.

As a parent, I have learnedthat if you are waiting for yourchild to find that niche ofexcellence, you probably havenot fully accepted your childand maybe you aren't lovinghim or her unconditionally.

Let's give our kids a break.

Let's love them for who theyare and not for what theyachieve. In fact, let's love thembefore they find their niche oreven if they never find it. If weare more loving toward ourchildren, consciously or sub-consciously, when they dowell, they are going to seeright through us and questionour love and acceptance ofthem. They may even under-achieve or rebel in order to testour love.

I'm not denouncing acade-mic excellence or extracurricu-lar success. But, I do disap-prove of society's overempha-sis on them, and I believe weneed to be careful not toequate a child's self-worth withachievement.

Maybe our children willnever succeed academically,athletically or artistically.Maybethey will excel at beinga good friend, being honest,kind, compassionate or forgiv-ing. And then again, maybethey won't. Nevertheless, theyare still our children and theyare special people who shouldbe loved regardless of their tal-ents, strengths, weaknesses orfailures.

• VERONICA JAMES writes aboutfamily issues for Inland ValleyTimes. Her columns appear onTuesdays and Fridays.