N O R T H A M E R I C A N E D I T I O N

WEDDING Special DECEMBER 14, 2007

4 The Indian EXPRESS

KIND of heart, keen of mindand sharp of wit, he flittedout of the pages of a

romance novel and into her life. Hisparents had called her aunt who hadcalled her parents to discuss analliance. Or, if you prefer, shestrolled boldly into his world andasked for his hand in matrimony. Orperhaps, it was vice-versa.Regardless of how they cametogether, they did so in hopes of alife-long friendship and romance.

They ride off happily into thesunset, Bollywood style, believingthat their love for each other willconquer all challenges that lifewould throw at them. For firstgeneration Indian women in the US,who had cross-cultural marriages,these challenges are considerable.According to a doctoral thesis byMonica Thiagarajan of WesternMichigan University this November,first generation Indian women in theUS, who marry outside their culture,encounter geographical dislocation,reactions from the larger South-Asian community and concernssurrounding language and raising achild in a cross-cultural atmosphere.

However, things are different forthe second and third generationIndian Americans who marryoutside their culture, or even race.According to the US CensusBureau, and the Bureau’s AmericanCommunity survey, there were754,855 married Asian Whitecouples as of 2005, up from 49,110in 1960. During this period, theAsian population in the US surgedfrom 902,000 to 12,879,000. Dr.Michael Rosenfeld, a sociologist atStanford University, acknowledgedthat population increase is a primaryfactor in the increased number ofinter-racial marriages. But hepointed out that even after onefactored in the population increase,the rise in inter-cultural and inter-racial marriages are not merely dueto an increase in the number ofimmigrants, but due to educationand economic development.

“It’s a society-wide phenomenonthat inter-racial marriages in the USare on the increase. Why? Becausethe balance of power between adultchildren and their parents is different

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Marriage is, after all, made in heavenAs the old generation makes way for the new, and the rules change, inter-racial marriages see an upward swing. Even parents play

affable hosts, as the new generation gets attuned with their American independence and individuality. SUJATA SRINIVASAN writes…MOHAMMED JAFFER/ SNAPSINDIA

N O R T H A M E R I C A N E D I T I O N

WEDDING Special DECEMBER 14, 2007

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from what it used to be,” Rosenfeld said, whenasked to comment on the growing trend ofinter-racial marriages in the Indian Americancommunity. “Young adults in their twenties aremore likely to be living away from their parentswhen they meet their potential mate. Thus,parents have less opportunity to object. Becausechildren are educated and feel they can supportthemselves, they choose love over family if theyhave to make a choice.” He further added thatmore and more parents choose to hold theirpeace and not voice their objections, so as notto lose their child.

In his book The Age of Independence,Rosenfeld argues that the independence ofyoung adults from their parents, which is animportant phenomenon in the US, leads to anincrease in inter-racial marriages. It’s becauseindependent young adults do not have toconsider the wishes of their parents in thesame way as was customary in the past.

There is a legal element, too, that hascontributed to inter-racial marriages over theyears. The wheels of law turned in the rightdirection in 1967 when the US Supreme Courtupheld human rights and romance in onesweeping, landmark ruling in the Loving vsVirginia case, where it overturned a Virginiastatute that banned marriage between whitesand non-whites.

Asians, in particular, who have a longhistory of close-knit ties with their families,make efforts to hold on to these relationshipseven when they make choices in favor of love.Dr Bandana Purkayastha, a sociologist at theUniversity of Connecticut and author of bookNegotiating Ethnicity: South Asian AmericansTraverse a Transnational World, wrote:“Overall, the experiences of the South AsianAmericans in their transnational family fieldsshow that both institution¾family andstate¾remain important for understandingcontemporary ethnicity in a globalized world.”

When asked to comment on the growingtrend of inter-cultural marriages, she said, “Itwas clear that more Indians and other SouthAsian Americans were going in for more pan-ethnic weddings. That is, they would be okaymarrying an Indian instead of looking

specifically for, for instance, a MaithiliBrahmin spouse with Bihari roots.” However,during the course of her research, she said, shefound a small proportion of weddings thatparents arranged with people from the samecaste/ village in India that maintained theethnic specificities.

Eventually, though, immigrants tend toembrace the most prized of all Americanvirtues -- independence. Dr David Popenoe,professor of sociology, emeritus, and co-director of The National Marriage Project atRutgers University, said, “Immigrants to theUS gradually adapt to our values, which aremore individualistic and secular comparedto their home countries. However, they dobring something of their own culturalbackground. For example, the most family-oriented group of people is Asians who havethe highest marriage rate and the lowestdivorce rate in America.”

He pointed out that overall, the generaldecline in the number of marriages in the USwas due to an increase in the number of co-habitations both before marriage and afterdivorce. According to the US Census Bureauand The National Marriage Project, in 2006,56.3 percent of men and 53 percent of womenin the US were married, down from 69.3percent and 65.9 percent respectively in 1960.

Given that no two individuals, IndianAmericans included, are alike, the inferencesdepend on which set of data one looks at.While research reveals that greaterassimilation of the immigrant Indiancommunity into mainstream American life hasresulted in more inter-racial marriages,research also shows that an increase in theIndian population in the US has resulted inmore people marrying within their community.“With the rapidly growing Indian-bornpopulation in the US, the opportunity to finda spouse within the community has increased,so the percentage of in-marriage hasincreased. I suspect that the rate of out-marriage for second and third generationIndians is much higher and growing overtime,” said Rosenfeld, who pointed out thataccording to the US Census Bureau and

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Marriage is, after all, made in heaven

N O R T H A M E R I C A N E D I T I O N

WEDDING Special DECEMBER 14, 2007

10 The Indian EXPRESS

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American Community Survey, 55 percent ofIndian-American men in 1970 were marriedto Indian women, compared to 87 percent in2005. Meanwhile, 66 percent of India-American women were married to Indian menin 1970, compared to 91 percent in 2005.

Wedding planners also report an increase inthe number of Indian weddings they helparrange. Shobha Shastry, founder and ownerof Massachusetts-based Alankar Event andWedding Planners, said she provides servicesfor 80 to 85 weddings for Indian American,Hindu and Muslim men and women each year.“More and more Indian people from the yo-unger generation want to get married,” she said.

Shastry has observed significant changes inthe nearly 10 years that she has been inbusiness. “Back in 1998/ 1999, we saw a lot ofIndians marrying Indians. As the years havegone by, Indian men are marrying Americanwomen and vice versa. In the last two to threeyears, parents have left most of the weddingplanning to their kids. However, around 70percent of the parents still pay for the wedding,”she pointed out, adding that while their childrenpreferred a small gathering of guests, parentswanted to invite all their friends and relatives.

After planning one’s wedding, the nextthing to do, of course, is to live happily everafter.

Steps in San Antonio, Texas-based JonAnderson, regional director of FamilyDynamics Institute, a Christian-basedmarriage guidance organization whose eight-week marriage enrichment course is designed

for couples planning on getting married.“One of the foundations of what we teach iscommitment, and that translates very well tothe Indian community in America becausethe element of commitment to marriage ishigher in Indian culture than in US culture,”he said, adding that participants of the courseconsisted of Indian Americans as well. “Ourcurriculum is based on universal concepts,”he observed.

Mary and Devendra Gothi of Orange,California, who have been married for 12 years,conduct the Institute’s sessions in that region.“The class gives each person an understandingof their partner’s needs and how to meet them.People don’t know when they get married thatthey need to ‘intentionalize’ taking care of eachother. So learning this provides a strongfoundation for their marriage. The importanceof honest, open communication is emphasizedand exercised each week,” said Devendra,originally from Mumbai, India. “We teachcouples how to protect their marriage by givingthem a chance to learn about each other andpractice what they have learned,” added Mary.

Devendra, 56, a chemical engineer, is thedirector of quality control for Avery DennisonOffice Products, while Mary, 52, is a clinicalpsychotherapist and consultant with ArbonneInternational. “I have more than 20 years ofexperience working in other countries, withpeople from many different culturalbackgrounds. I always encourage focus on thegood in each other and celebrating thedifferences. This especially applies to couples,”said Mary. “Since Deven and I are from verydifferent backgrounds, American/ Indian,

Christian/ Hindu, engineer/ psychotherapist,we have had to choose to see the good in eachother’s backgrounds. Because I have socompletely embraced his culture, from thefood to the clothing, his family says that I am

more Indian than he is and they love me forloving them so much.”

Despite our differences, perhaps deepdown, we are more alike than we realize. Asthey say, it’s a small world after all.

Marriage is, after all, made in heaven

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