“INDIA 2020 : Exodus to utopia” by Harish Kumar and Arjun Sharma

Preface

Welcome, dear reader, to a developed India.

It is the year 2021 now; as well it should be, for last year was 2020. Ah, 2020 -- the most glorious year in Indian history since 2019. But 2020 is not significant merely for fulfilling its duty of following its predecessor without murmur or tumult. It is also the year in which India transformed smoothly and suddenly into a developed nation. Our fortunes changed, our outlook broadened, our opportunities multiplied, our genitals remained embarrassingly moderately-sized. And all in such a short interval. It is to the credit of our rulers, bureaucrats and lawgivers that we could make this leap so quickly and painlessly. May they live forever in peace.

In accordance with the dictums issued by former president A P J Abdul Kalam ("We should transform India into a developed nation by 2020"), several efforts were directed towards implementing policies and projects of development. However, since these required hard work and investment, they were soon abandoned by the nation in favour of the deceptively simple move of simply declaring ourselves developed. This, successive governments iterated philosophically, was in accordance with the Vedantic doctrine " यद्भा�वं� तद्भावंतित " ('Yadbhaavam tadbhavati') -- As you think, so shall be the result. Once this routine task was out of the way, officials could concentrate on more important tasks like the grand celebrations commemorating our incredible transmigration from a country that struggled everyday to feed about 300 million of its people to a prosperous nation where no one suffered or went a-wanting. And a change in our stance towards issues as a consequence of development. For instance, in developed India, we no longer suffer from poverty. It is merely an improper distribution of wealth. We do not have starvation or famines; they are merely an improper distribution of food. We do not have uneducated people anymore; you guessed it, improper distribution of institutionalised stupidity.

This book attempts to document our enviable journey from a country almost embarrassed to ask for its rights to one which is still embarrassed but is now developed. We look at:

1. The grand opening ceremony of Developed India -- a night of celebrations, speeches and performances at New Delhi's Negru stadium. Organised under the able, iron-fisted guidance of Hon. Minister Suresh Kalmi, this ceremony will be remembered as long as people remember their money and the fact that it somehow disappeared.2. Changes and improvements in various sectors of national life as a consequence of development.3. A look back at 2020 and where we are now.

This book is like no other you have held in your hands (or elsewhere) in that, as noted in 3 above, we cast our eyes back over the past year and learn some important lessons about development. We also look back at the last decade, which was the road to development. We look further back at past decades to see how they affected the epochal events of 2020. So...yeah, this book is like quite a few others you have held. But we have better pictures in this one and fewer ads. Featured are important newspaper and magazine articles, editorials from the same, random historical facts and quotes from major national and world leaders. In effect, this tome is a comprehensive compendium to today's India. To paraphrase Dev Kant Barooah, "in here is India, India is in here."

It is hoped by the authors and aggregators of articles and columns that this book will prove a helpful compendium to modern, developed India. We, the undersigned, wish you well on this journey of exploration and enlightenment.

Signed,

AuthorsHarish Kumar NArjun Sharma

Non-authorsNarendra HirwaniSantosh SivanYograj YadavJaved AkhtarTeesta SetalwadArkavati Roy, who continues to pity the nation

PosthumousJ N DixitC N AnnaduraiCow Kasturi

Special mentionGagan Narayan, ace shooter and aerostat owner

With best wishes and compliments, and an envelope with Rs 25 in it, fromA N KrishnaraoT R SubbaraoRayasam Bheemasena RaoP V Narasimha Raoand other Raos

Actual, sponsored foreword

I love these guys! I think what they’ve done with this book is an astounding, impressive attempt to raise the bar on historical research and contemporary Indian writing. I can confidently assert that this, their magnum opus, is a seminal work in the annals of modern Indian non-fiction literature. The attention to detail, the painstaking research, the bold iconoclastic words (see the sections on Gagan Narayan), all speak highly of the authors’ calibre. The commentary on the state of the Indian nation at this, our finest hour as a developed country, is compelling. Perhaps I can offer no higher praise than to say that, after “Deconstruction : an analytical approach to simplifying the complex structure and narrative of the Indian people” (Manikant Rajgopal, 1986, University Press, Rs. 125) and “The Indian Constitution” (Bhimrao Ramji Ambedkar et al., 1949, Govt. of India press, Rs. 27 and 8 annas), this is the best work in the field of all-round writing that you are likely to come across. In other words, oh wow.

Let us cast a look at what they have accomplished within the pages of this hallowed tome. Our focus is drawn, right away, to their fearlessness. No words are minced, no vowels are incinerated, no syllables are smashed to bits in their ardour to call a spade a spade. Their documenting of some of India’s most memorable scams and the shameful stories behind them speaks of the candour and courage that underlies this work.

Another aspect of this work is how perfectly they have captured the zeitgeist. Relevant, context-based text ads placed strategically on several pages are testament to this. Nothing says Generation Next like a well-placed text ad. Frequent links to the Phasebook and Twitter pages of popular personalities are another welcome feature of the book. Say I’m reading about former prime minister Inder Kumar Gujral. What do I do if I want to find out what he has tweeted about the latest Bigg Boss episode? What if I want to poke former singer Ila Arjun (although I don’t ever want to)? The authors help us out there with these links. The language used is a bit old world, though. I mean, they could have inserted a few you knows, a couple of wannas, a bunch of shits and a whole lot of likes. I talked to them about this. They were like “That’s a good idea but we don’t write like that.” So I was like “Dude, that’s how everyone talks.” So they were like “Uh huh, but we don’t do that.” So I was like whatever. See?

I can only wish the authors and this book well. I hope, nay, I know, it will scale unimaginable heights in terms of success and popularity. You don’t come across books of sheer genius this easily, so when you do, you want everyone to read it. Go on, everybody buy it. It’s available at every store in the country, bookseller or not. Such is its amazing impact. The writers’ dumbfounding skill, fantastic attention to detail and non-dogmatic analysis cast a spell on you like no other before and -- oh, that’s a bit too much? Oh, you mean the ‘every store in the country’ thing. Yeah, I was going for slight hyperbole. What do you mean I don’t have to type everything I say? Come on, you paid me to write this foreword. Yeah ok, just ask the printer not to print these last bits, then. What do you mean that’s ridiculous?! You’re ridiculous! Your mothers are ridiculous. I can’t do this anymore, I -- oh, you’ll pay me more? All right, then.

Pooja Shankar,#303/18, Thanikachalam road,T. Nagar, Madras - 600 017

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CONTENTS

Quite A Short Road To A Developed Nation

SECTION I : POLITICS

SECTION II : FILM

SECTION III : MILITARY, INTERNAL SECURITY AND FOREIGN POLICY

SECTION IV : SPORT

SECTION V : TECHNOLOGY

SECTION VI : TELEVISION

SECTION VII : RELIGION

SECTION VIII : BUSINESS

SECTION IX : EDUCATION

APPENDIX I

APPENDIX II : The Times of the Deccan Tribunal Chronicled Guardian

APPENDIX III : The life and times of great persons

APPENDIX IV : SCAMpering

APPENDIX V : Rigorous proof of the Dalmia-Yunus-Cristoff theory

SECTION I - POLITICS

Excerpt from The Latest Hindu Express (“Journalism with courage and tea”)June 17th, 2017S Gurumooruthi / Francis Gautiors

Compress introduces constitutional amendmentIndia to become developed from Jan 1, 2020

The Indian Nepotist Compress has introduced the 125th amendment to the constitution yesterday for the landmark purpose of transforming India into a developed republic. The amendment will come into effect from the 1st day of 2020. The move met with unanimous approval in Parliament yesterday as almost every member of the joint session voted affirmatively to introduce the amendment. The lone exception was senior Left party member A B Vardhan, who voted against the government as a matter of habit. The preamble of the Constitution was modified to include the word “developed” along with all the other characteristics described. A minor printer’s error initially constituted India into a sovereign, socialist, secular, democratic, “Developed Repubic.” This error was swiftly corrected and the printers were shot.

The amendment, another in a long line of similar amendments introduced by the Compress, has brought great cheer to MPs everywhere, including Suresh Kalmi, as it had changed everybody’s lives for the better without any work required of MPs. Following closely on the heels of this move, the finance ministry also raised the annual per-capita income of all Indian citizens by $35. The random figure was arrived at after closely observing the price tag of Kapil Simbal’s tablet computer.

Opposition leader and BJ president Nirmal Gadadhari hailed this amendment as phenomenally important. When reminded by party colleague and bridge partner Arjun Jayatley that his role was to oppose the government, he quickly changed tacks and unleashed a barrage of invectives against the government and condemned the move as votebank politics. He also promised, on a completely unrelated and unnecessary note, to go on a diet.

Compress party spokeswoman and newest member of the asteroid belt Jayanti Nagarajan (appearing on several news channels at once owing to her girth) thanked the party high command profusely for the nation’s progress. 47-year old Youth Icon Rahul Grocer and party president-for-life Mrs. Sona Grocer were held responsible for this stupendous achievement. Compress Party workers subsequently demonstrated outside 10, Janpath, and demanded that Sona Grocer be declared a developed woman. Dr. Madanmohan Singh, prime minister, maintained a stoic, dignified and exasperating silence amidst all the hoopla and hullabaloo.

News in brief

ASI not man-made -- Compress

In a short statement, the Compress party today said that the Archaeological Society of India was not man-made but a natural formation found in the Indian Ocean. The stunning revelation comes as part of an affidavit submitted by the party to the Supreme Court. With this, the ASI has been declared a World Heritage Organisation. However, the opposition has said this hurts the feeling of millions of ASI faithfuls, as well as employees, and plans to launch a massive stir against the declaration. Already, L K Advaiti is said to be thinking of constructing a grand temple for the ASI.

Foreigner visits India

In a self-sponsored visit, a foreigner yesterday landed on Indian soil for purposes of tourism, reports Reuters. The foreigner arrived in Mumbai after a strenuous flight from Buenos Aires and will reportedly take some rest before going back. He also plans to take in some of the sights India has to offer, in a few hours. The foreigner is said to be white and has been well-received by the public as well as the government.

Sana Mirza wins historic set

In a stunning development, India’s reigning tennis queen, Sana Mirza, has won a set in her ongoing match against top seed Elena Lukhovtsova of Belarus. This is Mirza’s first set victory in five years, and her third overall. Mirza reportedly took two hours off from the game to celebrate and has only just resumed playing. However, analysts now say that, true to form, she will lose the game in spectacular style, continuing her unchallenged losing streak beginning in 2001. She will be felicitated by the president upon her (speedy) return from the tournament.

Nationalistic Conference co-opts Chaudhary Charan Singh in massive campaign; loses

Ahead of a crucial by-election in Jammu and Kashmir, the Nationalistic Conference co-opted Chaudhary Charan Singh in a massive campaign. The party said Charan Singh was a symbol of Kashmiriyat, confusing voters of both Kashmir and Haryana. As a result, the party suffered a crushing defeat in the polls. In an unintended consequence of the campaign, the BNLD of Haryana also lost their by-election the following week, thus bringing cross-co-opting to an end.

Exercises: (All questions carry two marks each.)

I) By whom was Chaudhary Charan Singh co-opted?

II) Which song would Dr. Singh sing if Dr. Singh could sing songs?

III) The foreigner was _______. (hint: Don’t be a racist).

IV) Who was the highest scorer in the high-scoring drawn test match of 1997 between India and Sri Lanka? How many casualties were reported during the telecast of the match? Name the commentator involved.

V) The volume of Sonic Nigam’s lungs is 300 cubic metres. With one breath, while singing a romantic Kannada song, Sonic takes in 150 cubic metres while, due to an unfortunate need to exhale, he also expunges ‘x’ cubic metres. At any given time, he must necessarily have ‘y’ cubic metres in his lungs. Find ‘x’ and ‘y’. Assume the value of B to be 8.26 (π = 3.14).

VI) Which is the most patriotic month of the year? Are you patriotic?

Shivaji Sena launches own nationTimes of the Deccan Tribunal Chronicled Guardian -- Jan 23, 2014

On the occasion of its chief’s 88th birthday, the Shivaji Sena has launched its own nation today. Named Matoshri, the new republic will be functional from today and extend as far and wide as the geographical boundaries of chief Bal Tharke’s residence. The world’s newest country has declared that only Marathas, specifically members of the extended Tharke family, would be allowed to reside within its vast expanses.

The world's youngest country boasts of impressive infrastructure that includes walls, doors, security guards, television sets, telephones, computers and refrigerators, apart from a fireplace to burn books according to the whims and fancies of the Tharke household (particularly the male members). Hinduism would be the state religion and followers of all other religions have been ordered to wear distinguishing emblems or signs on their persons. The tiger has been adopted the national animal of Matoshri while Marathi will be the official, and only, language. Chatrapati Shivaji’s image will be the national emblem while ‘Dhagala lagli kala’ will be the national song.

Restrictions have already been put in place in Matoshri regarding books and ideas. Any references to Chatrapati Shivaji Maharaj and his family and friends will have to be personally approved by Shivaji himself, in whose absence Bal Tharke would be the consenting authority. Maharashtra Navanirmana Sena chief Raj Tharke has been appointed home minister and will also hold the portfolio of RiotsMinister. Youngest member of the Tharke political clan, Aditya Tharke, has been appointed minister of culture and propaganda and will personally oversee a regular burning of books and films in the front yard of Matoshri. In anticipation of frequent fires breaking out in the nation, a fire brigade has been established to handle emergencies.

Communications systems in Matoshri have been upgraded to the highest level possible so that Bal Tharke’s communiques via Saamna and habitual dares to the police department can be effectively communicated across the household. A proposed railway system to operate within Matoshri is also on the table. It will employ only Marathas and Biharis found either in the train or writing the railway exams will be beaten severely.

Culture minister Aditya Tharke has already unveiled Matoshri’s foreign policy with respect to Bihar, Uttar Pradesh and South India. Specifically, the policy states in no uncertain terms that there will be no foreign policy with respect to these entities. Matoshri’s burgeoning economy does demand a massive influx of workforce from these areas and neighbouring (or surrounding, as analysts say) Maharashtra and measures are on to contain these labourers in well-defined areas within the compound of Matoshri. To be called ‘ghettos,’ these areas will provide living areas for the workers and also function as the sites for the book-burning programmes of the youngest Tharke.

Surrounding Maharashtra and neighbouring India have reacted with surprise at the emergence of Matoshri. Maharashtra chief minister SomeOrTheOther Chavan has constituted a group of ministers to study the problem and submit recommendations within six months, after which his government is expected to be headed by another person chosen by the high command. Indian patriot Dr. Subramanian Swaminathan has meanwhile filed a petition in the Supreme Court challenging the constitutional validity of Matoshri, striking at the very roots of the emergent sovereign republic.

Supreme Court dissolves nationTimes of the Deccan Tribunal Chronicled Guardian -- Jan 24, 2014

Amidst a session convened primarily to pronounce yet another judgement on live-in relationships, pre-marital sex and homosexuality, the Supreme Court entertained a petition filed by serial petitioner Dr. Subramanian Swaminathan and quickly struck down the newly constituted nation of Matoshri. The apex court, in between deciding on the fine line between pornography and erotica, took two minutes out of its busy schedule to dispose of the Marathi country. The judgement is expected to be disappointing to the Shivaji Sena.

SECTION II – FILM

From The ChinduDec 12, 2018

Kamalkanth Hausan to play 100 roles in a film

Noted actor and senior citizen Kamalkanth Hausan today announced his intention to play a record 100 roles in his upcoming movie “Shathaavathaaram”. The film, to be released next year, will be India’s most expensive film to date, with a massive budget of about Rs. 10 crore per role going to Hausan alone. Hausan, 64, is said to have taken on the onerous task of rendering hundred different characters solely to set an unbreakable world record for maximum roles in a film. To be directed by noted Hausan puppet Ravikumaran, the film will also be the longest ever made in the world, containing one hundred songs (at the rate of one per character) and one hundred fight sequences. The film also boasts of the world’s largest cast of women in a film, with one hundred women being roped in to play the mothers of all the characters because, as Mr. Ravikumaran tersely said, “Mother sentiment”. However, there will only be one female protagonist, to be played collectively by aged former beauty Wageeda Reguman and some makeup.

“Cinema is the only true democracy in the world now” said Hausan, ignoring his near-fascist overlordship of the film as also the complete dominance of star-children in the industry. “This film is like an election. I am like Dr. Singh. Wageeda Reguman is like Caesar’s wife. The technicians are like those fellows who verify your name in the voters’ list. Not very useful.”

When this random analogy was not well-received by newspersons, Hausan switched to describing all the characters in the film. “The film is about chaos theory” he said, pronouncing ‘chaos’ in his own distinctive way. “It starts in 3000 B.C., in the pre-Vedic period, and goes all the way to 3000 A.D, which is the post-Vedic period. On the way, we meet a lot of characters who do various things which have several impacts on different people. All loose ends are conveniently tied up at the end by the appearance of a giant tsunami. However, this time, instead of NaCl, we have switched salts to KCl. Since bananas have lots of potassium and monkeys like bananas, and Vanaras in the Ramayana were monkeys, we are tying a very complex knot which brings together the (supposed) building of the Ram Sethu by monkeys, banana shortage in India and tsunamis helping monkeys overcome that potassium deficiency.”

When it was pointed out to him by alert newspersons that this plot sounded very similar to his previous magnum opus, Dasaavathaaram, Hausan dismissed all such speculation. “Nonsense! Dasaavathaaram contained only human characters played by me. This time, I also play doors, windows, stones and a complete aircraft. I also play babies and animals. For example, one of the characters, Jagadanandakaaraka, has a baby boy, which is played by me. Imagine me as an infant.”

When reporters did imagine this and suffer from severe shock, Hausan reassured all present that scenes with full-frontal baby nudity would be shot aesthetically, putting fans in mind of his aesthetic nudity in 2001’s “Aalavandhan”. He also rubbished suggestions that doors, windows and other non-living objects could be better played by doors, windows and other non-living objects themselves. “I appreciate realism in film, but somewhere, we have to draw the line. Artistic license is important, if you want the film to sell commercially. Also, we have chosen one hundred random foreign countries as foreign locations for this film. Visa applications are presently being processed for all one hundred characters to be played by me.”

When reporters pointed out that just one visa per country was sufficient since he alone would be playing all those characters, Hausan cryptically muttered “I'm in the undezhrrbuhhlleee of the aizhczhaft” and left the conference.

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SECTION IV – SPORT

From Forbes Magazine’s ‘List of Most Powerful People Who Have Retired’April 25, 2013

“Master Past-er” -- Sachin Trendulkar retiresAn era draws to a close

April 24th, 2013, will always be remembered henceforth as a sad day for Indian cricket. A great master has taken his final bow and we will likely never see the likes of him again on the battlefield. Sachin Ramesh Trendulkar, who ruled the cricketing world and a billion hearts unchallenged for over two decades, has bid adieu to his beloved game and cricket is the poorer for it. He strode over those 22 yards like a colossus and left an indelible impression on the hearts and minds of billions of cricket-lovers across the globe. In all his 500+ one-day matches, 200+ test matches and few dozen Twenty-20 matches, he has shouldered the expectations of countless fans and rarely disappointed them. Since it is well nigh impossible to fill his shoes, his legions of followers are now left with the question: “After Sachin, who?”.

Everyone has a favourite Sachin moment. Some remember him bravely standing up to Waqar and Wasim at their devastating best way back in 1989 while, for others, his complete demolition of the Australian attack in Sharjah in 1998 remain etched in their minds. Connoisseurs reflect on his perfect technique while playing the tests against England in 1990 while fans reminisce about his sublime form against Pakistan in the historic 1999 test series. Whether it is the 2003 World Cup match against Pakistan, where he destroyed Shoaib Akhtar, or the 2008 Australian tri-series finals, or his more recent last match in Mumbai (where he scored an aggressive 28 in 30 balls), the memories are countless and always cherished. The curtains have now been drawn on a remarkable career and the gloom across the cricketing world is palpable.

“I have decided to retire from all forms of the game, including book cricket” said the Master Blaster. “I have served the game and the nation and am satisfied with whatever I have achieved. I will now concentrate on my personal life, as well as on Vinod Kambley. That man needs some discipline.” Sachin, who was flanked at this press conference by his wife, children, Dr. Madanmohan Singh and a host of other celebrities from the cricketing world (the sheer number of people on stage for the announcement confused journalists about who was announcing retirement and from what), said he hoped fans would understand his decision. “It was a tough decision” said the Mumbai Marauder “but I knew it was time to call it a day. I have never hesitated to call a day a day, and today is a day.” Teary-eyed journalists, with lumps in their throats, asked Sachin what his one regret was, in his illustrious career, to which the ace batsman replied “Captaincy. And not scoring a quadruple century. In Twenty-20. Yeah.”

“If there is anyone who could have done that, it would definitely have been Sachin” said former Indian captain and batting legend Sunil Gavaskar who was also on stage. “The man is a genius and it is a pity T20 doesn’t have more overs to allow him to score 400 runs. I will miss watching him walk out onto the field at the start of every Indian innings.”

“I will also miss Mammad Azharuddin” cryptically finished Mr. Gavaskar.

Former all-rounder and Audi car winner Ravi Shastri quickly totalled up the runs Sachin had scored in his career and said “Over 39600 runs have been scored by Sachin Trendulkar. He is a tall man.

Taller than me. He pushed the pedal on the accelerator quite early in his career and, uh, the results are there for all to see. India will not party any more.” Shastri then embarked on an unrehearsed rendition of “Sultans of swing”, said to be Sachin’s favourite song. For health reasons, Dr. Singh was escorted to safety during the rendition. Famous Sri Lankan Ranjith Fernando said ‘Sachin ees a good man’ and volunteered to play the highlights of the famous high-scoring drawn test match between India and Sri Lanka from 1997, featuring his commentary. He was interrupted on the third day’s play by Sachin Trendulkar, who announced his plans to set up a cricketing academy where boys from middle and lower income groups could train. Sachin was then interrupted back by Fernando, who resumed his commentary after the third day’s lunch break, before being forcibly taken away.

Fans on the street are understandably devastated at the news. Most people were too shocked and distressed to put their sorrow in words. “What the hell, man?” exclaimed noted teenager Vineet ‘Raz’ Rajan. “What the hell?!” he continued, displaying a keen lack of vocabulary. His words were echoed by fellow youngster Madhavi Bhagwat. “What the hell, man?! Sachin united the country like nobody else. Now, we will have to wait for somebody to fast in Jantar Mantar. And those things only happen once a month. Monthly unity suuuuucks!” Meanwhile, fellow cricketers have also expressed grief at Sachin’s retirement. Ace wicketkeeper Ajay Ratra recalled his days in the same dressing room as Sachin Trendulkar. “He had an Indian flag inside his kit bag. That shows his patriotism. He cut a cake that was shaped like our national flag. That doesn’t show his patriotism. But he led India to victory many many times. That shows his patriotism again. Best of three wins!” Father-of-the-simile Navjot Singh Sandhu also recalled his days in the dressing room with Sachin, days which Sachin himself recalled as being intensely creepy. “Guruuuuuuu!!! He is a behemoth, a leviathan, a Goliath, a big David, a gargantuan presence, a massive Lilliputian in the annals of cricketing history. No one can replace him. He will be sorely missed by fans. Like we miss mangoes in the winter. Or airhostesses on a cruise ship. Chak de phaTTe!!!” Krish Srikkanth, who also shared what seems to be a giant dressing room with Sachin, recalled the great man’s fearlessness even on his first tour. “I knew right away that....what do you call....Sachin was going to score more than 39600 runs at a brisk rate. All these Tony Greig, Jayasuriya, Lara, Inzamam, what do you call...New Zealand, all these are nothing compared to him.” A brief search for more contemporary players led journalists to Arjuna Ranatunga, Sourav Gangopadhyay and Rahul Drawvid. Arjuna Ranatunga, preferring to recall bad moments, mused about the 1996 World Cup semifinal at Calcutta (now Kolkata, earlier Kali Ghat) where “after Sachin, the innings went collapsed” [sic]. Sourav Gangopadhyay said Sachin’s contribution to cricket is unquestionable and unparalleled, before taking off his shirt and waving it around for no reason whatsoever. He also recalled an ad that he had shot with Sachin, saying it was more satisfying than sharing the cricketing pitch (or dressing room) with the little master. Rahul Drawvid patiently constructed a long-winded, technically unassailable sentence to praise Sachin but was ignored by fans of consciousness. As icing on the cake, Sachin himself recalled his days in the dressing room and promised to write a tell-all book about those days, making Praveen Amre quake in fear.

Ex-greats like Tony Greig, Geoffrey Boycott, Richie Benaud, Bill Lawry, Steve Waugh, Michael Holding, Sir Vivian Richards, Sir Garfield Sobers, Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath, Allan Donald, Muttiah Muralitharan, Lasith Malinga, Aminul Islam, Ashraful Hasan, Maurice Odumbe, Steven Tikolo, Martin Crowe, Mark Greatbatch, Heath Streak, the Flower brothers, all expressed surprise, disappointment and regret at Sachin’s decision but respected it nevertheless. India’s greatest all-rounder Kapil Dev shed tears about the decision and hoped Sachin would reconsider it. Speed fiends Venkatesh Prasad and Anil Kumble wished Sachin well in all his future endeavours and invited him to the housewarming ceremony of Javagal Srinath’s house in Bangalore (Srinath was unavailable for comment). The late Sir Donald Bradman and the equally late Hansie Cronje also praised Sachin immensely. Meanwhile, historian, educationist and spectacle-wearer Ramamohana Guha has already started working on “One corner of a dressing room”, his unauthorised biography

of Sachin Trendulkar. He has received a grant of Rs 401 from the government for this purpose.

Whatever may be the case, an era has drawn to a close. We will all now have to get used to cricket without Sachin Trendulkar. And that, mark these words, will be hard. Very hard.

Goodbye, Sachin, and thank you for the music.

SECTION V – TECHNOLOGY

From The Old Hindu Express (“Journalism with a hesitation and senility quite common with age”)April 1, 2014

Handheld supercomputer unveiled

Astounding the world and announcing the arrival of India on the global technological stage, Union Minister of Technology, Communications, Information, Commerce, Human resources and fisheries Kapil Simbal yesterday unveiled the world’s first handheld supercomputer, to collective gasps of awe and asthma. Showcased mistakenly at the Auto India Expo held at New Delhi’s Pragati Maidan, the indigenously developed HandyComp is the first and only supercomputer in the world that is available for less than millions of dollars and can be comfortably placed in pockets. Priced at an affordable $35, it is said to possess an incredible array of features, including the ability to divide numbers by zero, something that has baffled and confounded mathematicians and computer scientists since the dawn of the human era (of course, computer scientists didn’t exist back then, but you know what we meant there). The HandyComp runs an operating system developed in-house in the houses of Kapil Simbal and former commerce minister and present Union-Minister-of-Things-Currently-Not-Within-the-Ambit-of-Simbal’s-Ministries Komal Natha and can, in addition to dividing by zero, also perform amazing tasks such as the successful playback of MP3 songs and the storage of data (upto 125 MB) within its person. The HandyComp is also backward-compatible with floppy disks, tape drives and the abacus, thus making it the most complete backward-compatible computing device ever made. The announcement has thrilled technology enthusiasts, and owners of magnetic tapes and floppy disks, everywhere.

“This is superb news!” exclaimed avid gadget buff Ram Ghanashyam Vaidyanathan. “India has always been a software powerhouse, but we have never ventured beyond the services industry and gone into developing our own software products. Now, in one fell swoop, we have leaped to the forefront of innovation. I can comfortably play cassettes, read floppy disks and divide by zero, all with the same device!”

“It’s one small computer for Simbal, one giant leap for mankind” continued Vaidyanathan, unnecessarily paraphrasing Neil Armstrong.

The secret behind the stunning power of the HandyComp, the operating system, is considered a technological triumph, say its developers. Shunning suggestions to adopt Linux or other open-source operating systems, Simbal and Nath took it upon themselves to create an OS of jaw-dropping power, even they had no prior coding experience. Called the Jwalalal Negru Operating System (JNOS), the OS was coded feverishly by Simbal and Nath in two weeks straight and released to the open source community, who did not warm to this unexpected release. Hacker group Anonymous, who unnecessarily hacked the computers of the Indian ministers even after the code was made public, claim that entire swathes of code are copied verbatim from cutting-edge operating systems such as Minix and Windows ME. Simbal and Nath have defended this, saying they have improved on those systems by combining their best features, commenting out random lines and scattering useful print statements throughout the code. Naming the operating system after India’s first prime minister, Pandit Jwalalal Negru, was merely their way of saying thanks, said the minister/developer duo.

The HandyComp has warmed the cockles of tech-enthusiasts’ hearts. “I had never thought the day would come when I could divide numbers by zero” said an emotional Paul Thampy of Kottayam, Kerala. “I was tired of hearing people say you could not divide by zero. Why, I used to cry. Now, my prayers have been answered.”

“This opens up infinite possibilities” added Thampy.

The cheap and indigenous supercomputer is expected to draw large crowds at fair price shops, where it will be exclusively sold as per a new distribution model. Anyone in possession of a ration card is entitled to one litre of kerosene and one HandyComp supercomputer, say the new rules. Priced at an unbelievably cheap $35 (which, at a fixed exchange rate of 50 Indian rupees to the US dollar, converts to 1750 INR), the HandyComps are expected to sell like hotcakes, if hotcakes could be sold in fair price shops. However, not everyone is willing to buy into the hype.

“The technological miracle here is not the ability to divide by zero” says noted tech critic and database specialist Kalyanasundaram Gurmukh. “The real miracle here is that the device is working at all. I heard that they had copied lots of code and randomly commented out bits of it -- I was shocked! I didn’t even expect it to start up. However, I hear all government offices will have to adopt it now and it will compulsorily be used in future satellite launches. I would advise all early adopters to be a bit late in adopting this one. I see behind the sheen and gloss and predict a catastrophe.”

“I hope the government wakes up to this reality fast” he concluded.

Such naysayers aside, the HandyComp is being largely hailed as India’s claim to a position amongst the ranks of great technological powers. This will end the supercomputer apartheid that India has faced for so long, says noted end-of-apartheids proclaimer Mangal Valgrind Sood. “This is a pro-poor supercomputer. Historically, supercomputers have been pro-rich and the claims of one-sixth of humanity to cheap, affordable supercomputers have been ignored. This will surely go a long way in reducing the disparity between the supercomputer haves and the supercomputer have-nots.”

The HandyComps are expected to go on sale for the general public next week.

SECTION IX – EDUCATION

From “Local University Press”December 15, 2015Printed pages: 12 (glossy, with a matte finish)Price: Rs. 82

Local University to establish first foreign campus

Belgaum-based “Local University” has decided to establish its first foreign campus in Boston, Massachusetts, aiming to rival local giants such as Harvard University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) in providing world-class education at affordable prices but with an Indian ethos. This makes it the first technical university from Karnataka to establish a campus overseas. Local University, LU to its faithful, has always been at the forefront of technical education in Karnataka and hopes to spread its wings in the coastal state of Massachusetts in the USA. LU seeks to take to foreign shores its best practices and inculcate its values in American, and international, students. LU vice-chancellor Lalkrishna Urs (also LU to his faithful) said this move echoed the university’s motto to “think local, act global and establish various campuses”.

The Boston campus will offer bachelor’s and master’s degrees in electrical, mechanical, computer science and sericulture engineering. To imbibe discipline in students, the university has decided to make the minimum percentage of attendance in classes 85%. The use of mobile phones inside LU’s campus will be banned, so that students may concentrate on their studies (this is also why LU does not offer a telecommunications engineering course). In order that students have respect for the local culture, local language classes will be compulsorily conducted. Students can choose to learn the local language (English) in either a Boston accent or a regular human accent. In addition, in the final semester of both bachelor’s and master’s degree courses, students will have to study the Constitution of India and write a lengthy treatise on the matter. Optional reverse engineering courses will also be taught to Chinese students. The syllabi of all the courses will be revised every three years, as per the guidelines of the Karnataka government.

Examinations will be conducted in a strict, no-nonsense fashion, said LU vice-chancellor LU. ‘Flying squads’ of invigilators will be flown in from Belgaum to book malpractices in exam halls. The pattern of the examinations will be the highly successful ‘5 out of 8’ model followed by LU. In this model, students have to answer 5 out of 8 questions in the question paper, in the maximum stipulated time of 180 minutes. This written examination will be preceded by a tough practical test of the students’ knowledge. In these practical tests, students will be expected to memorise everything they are supposed to know and write all of it down on two sheets of paper. Even at the master’s degree level, if the student is writing his/her own operating system as a thesis, he/she is expected to write down the complete code of the system correctly (spelling mistakes are not tolerated) on the given sheets, before he/she is given access to a computer to run the code. Similarly, mechanical engineering students will have to draw pictures of lathes, milling machines and other giant equipment to an exacting degree of correctness while electrical/electronics engineering students are expected to draw circuits and other neat diagrams. This, says (vice-chancellor) LU, will ensure that students know their subjects thoroughly and do not wreak havoc in the laboratory once they are in control of expensive pieces of machinery. Subsequent to a practical demonstration of their knowledge, students will have to sit for a ‘viva voce’, a virtual inquisition conducted by one LU professor and one invited guest professor. Here, the professorial duo will grill the students on all possible dimensions of their subject and the student will have to blurt out whatever is known to them about the matter. Then, the professors will take the fingerprints of the student. Marks obtained by the students will be sent to the students’ parents, as also to LU headquarters in Belgaum. If

students are unhappy with the marks they have obtained, they may apply for ‘revaluation’ of their answer sheets by paying $400, $250 of which will be returned to them if they obtain 6 marks or more in the revaluation. This random pricing will help in encouraging students to apply for revaluation, as well as keep the professors on their toes, in addition to boosting the US economy and LU’s revenues.

(Vice chancellor) LU says he has high hopes for the prospects of LU in the USA. “We hope to wean away talent that is going waste at expensive places like MIT, Stanford and Caltech by giving them excellent education at affordable prices, with an Indian ethos. Our university is going to give those universities a run for their money. Fence-sitters need not worry about job placements at our university. We have already tied up with over 300 companies in Boston (Massachusetts) and Buffalo (New York), rather than Bangalore (India) and Belgaum (Karnataka). Also, our research facilities are excellent. We are located very close to places like MIT; so if you want to conduct research, you can observe them and inculcate their best practices. Our professors will spend some time every week in their labs, as part of a study tour, as observers. We will then use the same results but at a lower cost, and with Indian ethos.”

The LU campus is coming up along the Charles river in Boston and is expected to begin operations in a month. Admissions will begin next week.

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