inadmissible evidence - dramatic publishing

A PLAY IN TWO ACTS

Inadmissible Evidence

BY

JOH'N OSBORNE

.<~

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

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INADMISSIBLE EVIDENCE

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(INADMISSIBLE EVIDENCE)


CAST

The cast from the playas produced at the BelascoTheatre, New York.

BILL MAITLAND Nicol Williamson

HUDSON......•....•.........• .Peter Sallis

JONES Ted van Griethuysen

SHIRLEY Jeanne HeppleJOY Lois DaineMRS. GARNSEY Madeleine SherwoodJANE MAITLAND Jill Townsend

LIZ...................•...• Valerie French


ACT ONE

SCENE: The location where a dream takesplace. A site of helplessness, ofoppression and polemic. . The structure of thisparticular dream is the bones and dead objects of a solicitor's office. It has a desk,files, papers, dust, books, leather armchairs, a large, Victorian coat stand, andthe skeleton of an outer office with clerks,girls and a telephonist. Downstage is aprisoneris dock. At back, high above th~

outer office, hangs the Royal Coatof Arms.In front of this are the green benches ofone of the High Courts of Justice.)

AT RISE OF CURTAIN: The prisoner ofthis dream, BILL MAITLAND, stands in thedock. One of Her Majesty's JUDGES sitsat the bench. From C, a CLERK of theCourt reads the indictment. Before thisthere has been an air of floating inertiabefore the three actors come to some sortof life out of the blur of dream.)

CLERKWilliam Henry Maitland, you are accused of havingunlawfully and wickedly published and made known,and caused to be procured and made.known, a wicked,bawdy and scandalous object. Intending----

BILLObject?

5



JUDGE

Act I

Proceed, proceed.

CLERKObject. Intending to vitiate and corrupt the moralsof the liege subjects of our Lady the Queen, to debauch and poison the minds of divers of the liegesubjects of our Lady and to raise and create in themlustful desires, and to bring the liege subjects intoa state of wickedness, lewdness and debauchery.How do you plead? Guilty or Not Guilty?

BILLNot guilty.

(Pause)

CLERKPlace your right hand on the book and repeat afterme: I swear by Almighty God----

BILLI swear . . . My Lord, I wish to affirm.

JUDGEVery well.

CLERKDo you swear and affirm?

BILLI swear and affirm

(Pause)I hereby swear and affirm. Affirm. On my . . .Honor? By my belief. My belief in. . . in . . .the technological revolution, the pressing, growing,pressing, urgent need for more and more scientists,and luore scientists, for more and rnore schools and"


Act I fuadmissible Evidence

universities and universities and schools, the themeof change, realistic decisions based on a highly developed and professional study of society by peoplewho really know their subject, the overdue needforus to adapt ourselves to different conditions, thetheme and challenge of such rapid change, change,rapid change.

(Flails. The JUDGE looks at himreassuringly and he picks up again)

In the inevitability of automation and the ever-increasing need, need, oh, need, for the stable tiesof modern family life, rethinking, reliving, makingway for the motor car, forty million by nineteen; ina forward-looking, outward-looking, program controlled machine tool line reassessment. With, yes,with faculties of memory and judgment far beyondthe capacity of any human grief, being. Or anygroup of humans who has ever lived. -

(Pause)

JUDGEYes?

BILLIn the facts, above all the fact, inescapable. Anna,my wife, Hudson, I mean my managing clerk, Hudson,Joy, the telephonist, the enrichment of our standardof living, I've lost my prescription, Jane, my fatheris too old to be here, thank God, the NationalResearch, Research Development Council, the Taylor Report, the Nayler Report, failure report, anda projected budget of five hundred thousand million,millions for this purpose, the practical dangers ofpre-marital in the commanding heights of our declining objects.

JUDGEObjects?


Inadmissible Evidence Act I

BILLObject~? I think so, My Lord. I think that i s whatI meant to be saying.

(Continuing)Facing up realistically, the issues that are important, really, central, social change, basic, burningissues.

JUDGEI think that is evident.

BILLI wish I could see more clearly.

JUDGEVery well.

(Pause)

CLERKMy Lord, I have been retained by the defendant.However, after long discussion with myself and mylearned colleagues, he has expressed his intentionof conducting his own case.

JUDGEI see. You have tried to dissuade him from thiscourse?

CLERKWe have, My Lord. He is quite adamant.

JUDGEMr. Maitland, you must be fully aware of the implication of your decision?

BILLYes.


Act I Inadmissible Evidence

JUDGEIt is my duty to warn you of the difficulties that maybe involved in discarding the services of learnedcounsel..

BILLI see that. Except I wish I could.

JUDGEAnd to warn you against taking an irrevocable decision which will almost certainly . . .

BILLBut It m incapable of making decisions.

JUDGEInvolve you in onerous difficulties. Even though, asa practicing solicitor of, I believe, some standingand experience, you are no doubt better equipped toconduct yourself than would ordinarily be the case.

(BILL smiles)I put it to you now, once and for all: Do you persistin this decision?

BILL(Looks at CLERK)

I do, My Lord.

JUDGEVery well.

(Pause)Proceed.

BILLI beg your .pardon ?

JUDGECarryon, Mr. Maitland.


Me, My Lord?


BILL

Act I

JUDGEYes. You, Mr. Maitland.

BILLBut what about them?

JUDGEAre you--or are you not conducting your own case?

BILLBut them? What about them?

JUDGEMr. Jones will, I believe, lead for the prosecution.

CLERKThat is correct, My Lord.

JUDGECome then. Do let us get on.

BILLHe was supposed to be defending me.

JUDGEMr. Maitland. Have we not, just a few momentsago, .established that you had dismissed Mr. Jones?

(CLERK goes out UR)

BILLYes.

JUDGEAnd that you have elected to conduct your ownde-


Act I

fense?


BILLWell, it is. I did. But then it shouldn't be me.

JUDGEShouldn't be you?

BILLNo.

JUDGEWhat shouldn't be you?

BILLWell, if it is. Why isn't he starting off then?

JUDGEStarting off?

BILLYes.

(Pause)

JUDGEYou have ~eady started off.

(BILL ponders)

BILLBut--he should have startea off first. In the veryfirst place.

(Pause)

JUDGEThat is true. However. 1> • you have done soinsteadc



BILLBut what about the . . . last word.

JUDGEThat is my ruling. It is possible that it may bereversed or re-interpreted at another time elsewhere.

BILL(Bafflement; trying to focus)

I ought to: have: the last word.

JUDGENo doubt, we shall see in the event.

BILLWhat event? rm here, aren~t I?

JUDGEYou must be aware, with your training and background, that the law can often be very flexible inthese matters.

BILLAs Your Lordship pleases. As you say, it probablymakes very little difference.

JUDGEDemonstrably.

BILLBefore 1----

JUDGEYes:

BILLMay I have a glass of water?



(The JUDGE motions to the CLERK, whohas entered from DR, who obliges. BILLtries to study his face)

BILLMy Lord--which one is Mr. Jones?

JUDGEThere.

(He indicates the CLERK a little impatiently. The CLERK hands BILL the glass ofwater. After drink CLERK goes out U R. )

BILLPlease forgive me. I have rather a headache. Perhaps that's why I'm here now. I had too much todr4lk last night, that's just the simple truth of it.Well, when I say that, I mean not much more thanI usually have. Most nights. But that's--well, Ido drink quite a lot. Quite a lot? Dh, anyway, I'mwhat you'd call a serious drinker. That's to say,I just don't mess aboutonce I get going--when I do.When I do? I nearly always do. I candrink a wholebottle· of whisky. Can't be any good for the heart,can it? It must be a strain, pumping all that fireand damned rigor and everything all out again?Still, I'm pretty strong. I must be. Otherwise, Icouldn't take it. That is, if I can take it. I can't,Itmsorry, I can't find my pills. I always have threeor so in my ticket pocket. So sorry.

(Pause)Just a moment. The glands or whatever these lumpsare in my neck feel as if they were trying to battertheir way out. Just here, trying to force their wayout. Like broken marbles, real big gob stoppers.With chipped edges. I must have left them in myovercoat pocket. Do you think the constable couldget my overcoat or look in the left-hand pocket? Or



the inside? It shouldn't take a moment. Only. Itt sa bit like a gimlet, too. Right up behind the eyeballs. And that and the marbles, too.

(Pause)I know that none of this is very interesting to you,but the fact is I could do a lot better, a lot better,that is, acquit myself, acquit myself better. Yes.Well, they don't seem to be there, my pills. Ortablets or whatever you call them. What's the difference? Only: I really do need three of them atleast. And nothing else will do the job properly.Then, if I keep my head upright and don't move itabout too much, and talk fairly slowly, if you canbear with me, with your Lordship's indulgence, Ican make some sort of start.

JUDGEPlease.

BILLAnd see what comes to me. In the event. Now: Iwish I could open my eyes. My eyelids. They'relike oysters. However, this is my concern and notyours. It 11 think of something.

(He presses his eyeballs)My name is William Henry Maitland. I am thirtynine years old, practicing solicitor and commissioner for oaths at 34, Fleet Chambers, E. C. 3. I haveworked in the service of the law--if you can callbeing a solicitor, working in the service of the law--for nearly twenty-five years. In fact, I startedwork in this very office, this court, since I was atleast fifteen.. Perhaps earlier. That--

(Points to Judge's seat)--is myoId boss's chair. You see, I took his positionover from hiln.. My managing clerk, old Hudson,he was vlorking for the old man even then.. Not that



he was much older than me. He just always seemedolder. Anyway, he works for me now. I don't evenknow why I took up the law. I don't think there wasany reason at all much. I can't think of any now,and I couldn't think of any then. Perhaps I did thinkI might land up on the bench even. Or with learnedcounsel. Mr. Jones. No, but I never seriouslythought of myself being brilliant enough to sit in thatcompany, with those men, among any of them withtheir fresh complexions from their playing fieldsand all that, with their ringing, effortless voiceproduction and their quiet chambers, and tailorsand mess bills and Oxford Colleges and going to theopera God knows where and the 400, whatever I usedto think that was. I can't remember at the time. Ihave always been tolerably bright.

JUDGEAlways been?

BILLBright. Only tolerably bright, My Lord. But, tostart with, and potentially and finally, that is to say,irredeemably mediocre. Even at fifteen, when Istarted out in my profession. Dh, no, before that.Before that. Mark. I knew that in order to becomeeven a small market-place solicitor, as distincteven from a first-rate managing clerk with a big,substantial firm, I should have to study very hardindeed for my, oh, for my Law Society examinationsall the while I was picking up probate and conveyancing, running out for jugs of tea, packets of fags forthe other clerks or calling in at the chemist for thetelephonist.

JUDGETelephonist.



BILLI'm afraid there's always one like that, My Lord.Mine is called Joy. The one who works for me now,that is. This one was called Jill.

JUDGEIs anything the matter?

BILLI seem to have lost my drift, My Lord. What's mywife doing here? Well, she would be here, of course.No, it's Sheila, it's my ex-wife. I didn't even knowwhere she was. How did she know? They all seemto find out about these things. They find out. I'msure myoId man's there, but I can't see him. Ip.ope not. He'll hate this. I seem to have lost mydrift., My Lord.

JUDGE(Kindly)

Mediocrity?

BILLWell: it might perhaps be misleading to you andeveryone to dwell on it too much. I merely wantedto draw your attention.

JUDGEThere is time enough, Mr. Maitland.

BILLI have always had a certain facility, it's true. Butlittle else. A fairly quick mind, not profound, a bitflashy, I should say, indeed, you would say, not eventhat, a little more than perky. They said I had aquick minda A quick mind, they said, was useful,not that I had it, but helpful, as Your Lordship will



know, in a profession where time doesn't mean athing to anyone except some poor bloody agonizedclient wh~ wants to know whether hets -going to getthe house he wants, an overdraft, or a divorce,eighteen months or a fine. However, however, MyLord. I seem to retain very little. Very little indeed, hardly anything at all, in fact. Which is disturbing. Because I donit see how I can carryon mywork even--well, I am carrying on with it, but Imust be getting less and less any good at it. Evenmy work, that i s almost the least of it, which isprobably, no doubt, one of the reasons I find myselfhere, in the dark dock arraigned before you. I amalmost forty years old, and Iknow I have never madea decision which I didn't either regret, or suspectwas just plain commonplace or shifty or scampedand indulgent or mildly stupid or undistinguished.As you must see. As for why I am here, I have toconfess this: I have to confess that: . that I havedepended almost entirely on other people's efforts.Anything else would have been impossible for me,and I always knew in my own heart that only it wasthat kept me alive and functioning at all, let alonemaking decisions or being quick-minded and all thatnonsense about me.... And then, then I have always been afraid of being found out.

JUDGEFound out?

BILLYes ..

JUDGEFound out about what?

BILLI'm sorry, My Lord. I donit understand. I have



always been quite certain that this is where I shouldend up, here. I've seen it too many times, with youthere and counsel over there. There. And there.Down to the cells. Off to the Scrubs, hand over yourwatch and your money, take all your clothes off,have a bath, get examined, take all your clothes offin the cold, and the door shut behind you. I shouldlike to stand down if I may. I am not feeling verywell. I never hoped or wished for anything morethan to have the good fortune of friendship and theexcitement and comfort of love, and the love ofwomen in particular. I made a set at both of themin my own way. With the first, with friendship, Ihardly succeeded at all. Not really. No. Not atall. With the second, with love, I succeeded, I succeeded in inflicting, quite certainly inflicting, morepain than pleasure. I am not equal to any of it. ButI can't escape it, I can't forget it. And I can'tbeginagain. You see?

(A torpid moan escapes him)

(Fade. The light remains on BILLo TheJUDGE and the CLERK leisurely take offtheir wigs and robes, coming into the officearea, hanging them on the upstage end ofthe coat stand. The JUDGE, who is HUDSON, the managing clerk, speaks to theCLERK, who is called JONES. During this,BILL remains still. The actor has to indicate the painful struggle into consciousnesswithout, at the same time, making the physical metaphor too explicit: the difficultyof breathing, the violent inner effort tothrow off the burden, the fishy, palpitatingstruggle of the heart being landed into wakefulness. The gasping will takes over. Thedream, the prison of embryonic helpless-


Act I Inadmissible Evidence Page 1

ness, for the moment recedes, but not altogether.. The focus fades on BILL, whemerges slowly out of it. Presently, hemakes his way out of it, into the outer office[which is behind a scrim], then through itinto his own office)

HUDSON(To JONES)

Parky this morning..

JONESYes.

HUDSONWhat's the matter then? Late night?

JONESNo, not specially.

HUDSONHowts that girl of yours?

JONESOkay.

HUDSONStill getting martied?

JONESSuppose so. Got to get these finals out of the .·wayfirst. Hardly see her except on Sundays.

(SHffiLEY, the secretary, comes in withpost and hands it to HUDSON)

SHffiLEYThere's yours ..


Inasmissible Evidence Act I

HUDSONThank you, Shirley. And how are you today?

SHmLEYLooking forward to Friday night, thank you.

JONESIs mine there?

SHIRLEYWhy don't you try looking for it?

(Goes out)

HUDSONWhat's up with her?

JONESDunno. Packing it in, she says.

HUDSONWhat, again?

JONESI think she means it this time.

(BILL comes into outer office fairly briskly)

BILLMorning, all!

JONESBetter start getting it sorted out myself then.

BILL(Coming in)

Sorry I'm late.


inadmissible evidence - dramatic publishing

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