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TOO L M Z JA D D J E

THE MIT HUMOR MAGAZINE .

VOLUME ONE NUMBER ONE .

. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . '. . . . . . . . . Editors: .· . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Jon Adler . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Mad Editor .· Mike Agronin . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 5 Dollar Bill Editor .· . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Stu Atlow Biblical Editor .· . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Adam Bernard Consumer Editor .· Jim Berrettini Copy Editor .· . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bill Coderre Production Editor .· . . . . . . . . . . . .. Carla Freeman. . . . . . . . . . . .. Just Interested Editor .· " Tom Galloway Travel Editor ' .· John Juliano Hard Working Editor .· Christine Kuta. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Dreadful Editor .· Jim Leatham Other Editor .· . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Linda Lee Chinese Editor. .· . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Denise Letendre. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Lady Di Editor .· . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Alicia K Lloyd. . . . .. . . . . . . . .. Space Cadeditor .· Rick Nordstrom. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Editor Wood .· David Roberts. . . . . . . . . . . . .. Non Biblical Editor .· . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Dave Saslav . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Freshman Editor .· Ken Segel. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Constitutional Editor .· Jennifer Solomon Cross Editor .· Bill Spitzak . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Illusion Editor .· Steve Strassmann Rather Nervous Editor in Chief .

· WITH SPECIAL THANKS AND KICKBACKS TO: .· The Tech . . . . .. for their bountiful donation of wax and magic markers .· . . . .. Finboard . . . .. for enough money to buy aspirin & produce a magazine .· Link '. for nice thoughts and inspiration .· Bill Coderre for infinite patience in the production room .· . . . . . . . . . . .. Dining Service . . . . . . . . . . .. for all those funny things .

EDITORIALFall 1983

2

E

TOO L A D DIE MAGAZINE

We are Course 6 and we're oversubscribed. Come findout what a mistake choosing a major with us would be.

- Meet unfriendly and impersonal faculty members.- Discover the lack of options available in the rigid cur-

riculum due to the great number of required courses.- Learn about the ever-increasing competition in the

job markets.- Talk to students in the department and find out about

their overworked, pressurized, and non-stimulating exis-tances. (Do you know what it is like in those computerrooms?)

Asparagus, liver sandwiches, and carrot juice will beserved.

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Fall 1983VI-3

T o o L A D D I E M A G A z I E

ewsItemsAcademic Heads Make Switch

Cambridge - In an effort to integrate the twouniversity communities, Pre ident Paul Gray of

IT and Derek Bok of Harvard have agreed towap wive for a year. Said Bok, "We were looking

for a step towards increa ing contact between thetwo chools,' and Gray's comment were, "We feltwife wapping was the only truly meaningful way tobring public attention to Derek's and my great mu-tual regard." The wives could not be reached forcomment.

Detroit Dump DedicatedDetroit - James Watt was honored today at the

opening of the new James Watt Toxic Waste De-po itory in Detroit' industrial zone. Stated MayorHalibut Dingo (who played a key role in the nam-ing of the dump), "We felt there was no one moredeserving of the honor. Hell, why wait 'til he's deadto show how much we appreciate all he's done forour country? '

Trenton, NJ Given Death PenaltyWashington - Today, the u.s. Supreme court

upheld a lower court ruling which sentenced Tren-ton, J to death in the landmark case Trenton vs.Habitable Places. According to Supreme CourtJudge Sandy (Have a ice) Day O'Connor, "Itsmells bad, it's ugly and gray, and the food is aw-ful."

Asked for his reaction, House Speaker (Turnta~ble) Tip 0' eill said, "Fry the bastards! They don'thave a baseball team and they don't make beer, sowhat good are they? Put them in the electric chairand throwaway the key!"

Residents of the city expressed some concern, butindicated that they would move if forced to. Someresidents are planning a mass exodus to Cleveland.

Ham Spread Banned in BeantownBoston - In a resolution Friday, Boston City

Council declared Underwood Deviled Ham Spreadto be "the worke of a minde most shrewd anddarke, aye, the shrewdest and darkest the minde ofSatan himself." Following this resolution, severalBo ton housewives rifled through local supermar-kets on a wanton spree of destruction, upsettingcontainer of ham, spam, and cream of bean sproutsoup, and chanting, "Save our children, save oursouls, destroy the ham that Satan controls!"

Mayor Kevin Blight spoke in opposition to themotion, saying, "This i a radical infringement onthe first Amendment rights concerning religion andtrichina is. Besides, lots of my friends are Satanists,How can I face them?" When asked privately forfurther clarification, Blight could only respond,"drol ym si natoS."

OurConstitutionARTICLE I. ame and PurposeI. The name of this organization shall be Tool and Die. This is a funny name.2. The purpo e of this organization is to publish a humor andentertainment magazine of the same name for the benefit of the MITcommunity. It will be funny.ARTICLE II. Membership1. Membership in Tool and Die will be open to all members of theMIT community regardless of horneworld, species, race, creed, sex or religion.They must be funny, however.2. Associate membership is open to any life form that declares itself to be amember and is capable of pronouncing the name of this organizationcorrectly at least two out of three times. This requirement will be waived ifproof is obtained that such pronunciation is biologically impossible.3. A GRNDDBZ member must contribute to the production of three issuesand be voted membership at a regular meeting of the society. Theymust be really funny.4. Anyone who participates in the organization or production of anyof the first three issues is automatically eligible for GRNDDBZ membership.ARTICLE III. Meetings7. The ANNUAL BASH meeting will be held each year in the last week inApril.6. Regular meetings of Tool and Die will be held at intervals as provided for inthe bylaws of this organization.5. Regular meetings will be held no more often than is necessary for thesmooth operation of this organization.4. A funny joke must be told at the beginning of every regular meeting.3. A quorum for the conduct of business is 2/3 (two thirds) of themembers present and voting at that meeting.2. Voting rights are accorded to GRNDDBZ and a sociate membersmost of the time. At the Editor-in-chief's discretion, he can specify that onlyGRNDDBZ members may vote on a certain topic. The Editor-in-chiefwill at all times try to be a ice Guy about this.I. The Editor-in-chief of this organization or a henchman of hisselection will preside at all regular meetings of this organization.ARTICLE IV. Electionsl. Elections will be held at the ANNUAL BASH meeting each year for thefollowing positions: Editor-in-chief, Secretary, and Treasurer.2. A quorum for elections is the same as a quorum for a regular meeting.3. Voting will be done in a regular preferential system as provided inRobert's Rules of Order, except when it's not.4. This organization will never hold an election in the stale of NewJersey. As a matter of fact, no business at all will e er be conducted in NewJersey.5. Membership elections will also be held at the ANN..UAL BASH meeting.6. A 2/3rds majority is required to become a GRNDDBZ member ofTool and Die.ARTICLE V. Officers and Their DutiesI. The following are the offices of Tool and Die: Editor-in-chief, Secretary,Treasurer.2. The Editor-in-chief presides at all meetings and is responsible 'for thesmooth operation of this organization. He will also take personalresponsibility to make sure everything published by Tool and.Die is funny.3. The Secretary is responsible for preserving the minutes of allmeetings provided for in this constitution and for maintaining thecorre pondence of this organization.4. The Treasurer shall oversee the financial matters of Tool and Die and keepan accurate accounting of the finances of this organization.ARTICLE VI.There is no ARTICLE VI.ARTICLE VII. BylawsI. Any regular meeting of Tool and Die may adopt or amend Bylawsprovided that they (the bylaws) are not in conflict with this constitution.2. Given that a quorum is present, the changing of the Bylaws requiresthe approval of two thirds of the members present and voting at that meeting.ARTICLE VIII. This ConstitutionI. This con titution can be amended by a two thirds vote at any regularmeetings of Tool and Die.2. This constitution is not to be taken more eriously then necessary.ARTICLE IX. God ClauseTool and Die agrees to abide by the rules and regulations of the Association ofStudent Activitie , its Executive Committee, and the Finance Board.This constitution, amendments to it, and the by-laws of this organizationshall be subject to review by the ASA Executive Committee to insurethat they are in accordance with the aforementioned rule and regulations.ARTICLE X. Previous ClauseThey made us put it in our constitution.

Fall /9834

�

FIVE .POUND\AlAP Of GUMOISc.o~RE» BYE""" $ftllli of

(A"BcC!PC.e vlUER.A SEAT ONllIE,REp u ...e.

TOO L A D DIE M A G A Z I E

AddenduJD:New Student Activities

s a public service to MIT students, Tooland Die wa asked by the Dean's office to pub-Ii h the de criptions of a few student activitiesthat missed the publication deadline of theFreshman Handbook this year. Consideringhow much they're paying us, we don't mind itone bit. Here you are:

LSCSUXStale popcorn, flat coke, sticky floors. Too

loud. Out of focus. Too low. Out of focus.Scratchy prints. Sleepy projectionists. 3, 2,1. .. bleep! at the beginning of every film.Showing reels out of order. Sorry, no rootbeer. Bill Cosby lecture will be cancelled. 0Tab no orange, no straws, too. $1.50 for a bagof broken cookies. Ugly posters. Porno flicks?Only if we can buy off the dean's office thisyear. Long waits on line. 0 seats left. Pickup your own trash when you leave; we're notjanitors, you know! Sorry, no coke today. Nosmoking, violators will clean up 26-100 afterthe movie. The same cartoon three weekendsin a row. Asimov lecture will be cancelled. Wedon't care, we have a guaranteed monopoly.We needmore people to join. Come to our in-terrogation meeting if you dare.

Alpha Why OmegaHave you ever want to dig latrines, spoon-

feed senile cancer patients, or drown while try-ing to teach inner city cub scouts how toswim? Or maybe you want to suffer the hu-miliation of manning the Dance-a-then forLeprosy. Well, we don't, either. We just tell ev-eryone we're a bunch of goody-goodies whenin fact all we do is sit around and read comicbooks. Upon joining our "service fraternity",you immediately get master keys to all MITbuildings, guest privileges at Paul Gray's man-sion-on-the-Charles, and complete access tothe registrar' computer.

Rebate SocietyEver since a bookkeeping error alotted us

$100 of every student' tuition we decided todo nothing at all except divvy it up among ourmembers.

WMITWMIT (88.1) is our very own quadrophonic

FM dolby-encoded station. We regularly havelive interviews with fascinating people likeGeorge Lucas and Yuri Andropov, and twicea week a group like the Doobie Brothers orthe Stones will come over to our studios andjam for a while. We have plenty of openingsfor people who'd like to learn about being aDJ or a broadcast engineer. Too bad we canonly broadcast with an effective power of .012watts into the northeastern wall of AshdownHouse.

Born-again Frisbetarian Seekers CultSay hallelujah! ..... and 10, the Crosswinds

of the Evil Southern Blusterly did bedevil theStyle of the Catch." (Wham-o 6:00 1) If thisquotation makes you fall to your knees andweep for joy, you're probably already a mem-ber. We believe in the Divine 'Bee, the HolyDiscus, and the Second Coming of the Boo-merang. We believe that when you die, yoursoul goes up on the roof and you can't get itdown. Come on over, pick up an armful of lit-erature and a free T-shirt, and bask in thelight of Pure Knowledge of AerodynamicTruth.

Lutonian Students ClubPodemo Pnutky! Klaatu Barada Nikto!

Welcoming to club of many interesting homecountry is Lutonia pretty! We many interestingbeing sameness into one room at a time stu-dents to be culture shown. Being three typesactivities: Cultural, Social, and Educational.First being Cultural films, Cultural events, andCultural exhibitions. Then being Social films,Social events, and Social exhibitions. ThenEducational Films to be appreciated. All tomeet Lutonian women to marry. We celebratethe Holiday of the Sock and many fun timeswith traditional inhalation of the kretznkysmoke hallucinogens. Tsing-chan KrobnaruSaadeesh!

Fall 19836

T 0 o L A N D DIE M A G A Z I N E

New Student Activities(continued)

American Necrophile LeagueThe MIT chapter of the American Necro-

phile League is organized primarily to providea pleasant atmosphere for dead people (maleand female alike) to meet each other and havea good time together.It is only very recently that people in the

U.S. have been able to come to accept deadpeople as normal, with needs and desires justlike anyone else. For years, dead people havebeen harassed, refused employment, compelledto participate in horrible medical experiments,and in general, treated like meat. To counterthis oppression, in spite of the fact that nearlyhalf of the people on Earth are dead, it willtake a massive organizational effort to get ourpoint across. In the meantime, ANL is justtrying to buy a few large freezers.

ANL provides many services. Particularlyfor people at MIT, the most important is theLukewarm Line, a telephone sevice to providecounseling for people "going under", or justhelp them determine their own "rate of spoila-ge." ANL also provides a center for enhancingthe social life of dead people with dances, par-ties and other wild events. Live people are, ofcourse, completely welcome at all of our ac-tivities and meetings; we hope to encourageuninhibited communication between living anddead people and create an atmosphere of un-derstanding and awareness.

Dining Service Society"MIT Eats It!" is our motto. Our membersspend hours in a different MIT cafeteria everyweek, laughing at what we find molded ontothe trays. Sometimes we cry. You ought tocome to understand exactly why Commonsmeals turn out the way they do, and under-stand why there's no hope of improvementever. Besides, you don't have a choice ... you'vebeen charged for it already anyway.

Tool and DieWe need more people to help us copy mate-

"rial out of back issues of National Lampoonand pass it off as new material. Send a note toTool and Die Magazine, room W20-401 via in-terdepartmental mail.

Fall 19837

Have you ever ...

49. Used a calculator at least once a week for the past three months?50. Used a calculator at least once a day for the past three months?51. Know more than 5 meanings for IHTFP?52. Been contacted by the CAP?53. Read the Tech?5ot. Sifen'""ll Rl!g IlIty ril~vie (stir Wars doesn't cognt)?55. Seen a UA meeting?56. Hissed at smoking in an LSC In57. Eaten in Lobdell?

... •• rfellt\ o. ''''IIlIIII!~cce Lsse

taatinto at

resistance to airline food?of Lobdell food?

to you?n your professor)?

THE MIT PURITY TESTAnswer each question yes or no. The number of no answers is your percent of purity about MIT.

I.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10.II.12.

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•

- --- - >-

TOO L A D DIE M A G A Z I N E

AnnouncementsDepartJDent of Folderolial Engineering

OTTLEDAY DEBTOBER 30, 12:82 FM,UVE ROOM 8-666-B

OPE MEETI GLaboratory for effluvial cathartic meiosislunch eminar. Bring your own coffee.

TOOFLESDAY, DEBTOBER 31, 16: 14:5,PHO E BOOTH OUTSIDE 12-132SOME TWO-PHRASE FLUIDPROBLEMSHugh Meatcleaver, department ofmicroencephalic rheostatics. Hallucinogenser ed at 3:65.

SOMEDAY, FEPSUSTER 1,7:091, 393-66-8215

o - UMERICAL EWTO IANABOBS 0

TRESTODIOLYMPHOBIC POOSTLESUSI G DIMODAL SWAMP RODENTSProf. Lou Sneecap, department of Bleem.Bring your own catheter.

FESTERDAY, FEPSUSTER 7.49, 19 o'clock,OPAQUE ROOMTOPICS I TOPICAL PRESENTATIONA D ORAL COMMUNICATON VIASPEECHDr. Milquetoast N. Samovar. SubjectSeminar Series.

WIMPLEDAY, FEPSUSTER 2,WHE EVER, 166-5-007QTHE I FLUENCE OF SOUND ANDAIR VIBRATIO ON RADIAL KALEBOU DARY FLAVOR NYSTAGMICI STABILITYEurasmus Headcheese, PedantaryRe earch Intelligence Experts, Inc.

SAMEDAY, FEPSUSTER 2, NO ROOM,AT THE IARTIFICIAL SKIN CANCERMETHODOLOGY TECHNIQUESIrn A. aar, intrusive and destructiveevaluation laboratory. Ed Green memorialeminar eries.

FECAL is published evey ninth Ralphday of thefourth trimester except for weeks that beginwith the letter Q. We try to send it throughinterdepartmental mail to Folderolicengineering undergraduates and graduates, butwe usually get lost on the way to themailbox. They can be picked up in the stall onthe left, outside room 3-009. No, not thatone, to the left. No! The one with the plexiglassbracket. No, higher. There. That's it. Sendmoney and notices of samovars to FECAL,room 3-511, after 1:00 A M with unmarkedbills in a plain brown wrapper. To be sentFECA L, you must be listed in the socialregister of Outogaimie County. Please. don'tmake suggestions or comments.

Institute Announcements

• The Course 6 Social Hour has beencancelled, as nobody in Course 6 seems toknow what it means.

• Professor Samuel Knickerbocker ofPrinceton University will be giving a talkon "The Relevance of TheoreticalMathematics" from 4:30 p.m. to 4:35 p.m.on Tuesday in 2-189. Refreshments andinformal discussion will follow.

• The Society for Constructive Apathywill again not meet.

• Nominations for Omega Omega PiSigma, service fraternity for semi-talentedengineers, are now being accepted. ContactDr. Von Der Klutz at x3-8787.

Career DescriptionsLogicians do it mentally.Back strokers do it face up.Radio operators do it with frequency.Forgers fake it.Trapeze artists swing both ways.

Fall 198310

TOO 'L AND DIE MAGAZINE

All you have to dois fill in the wordson the cross-word grid,one letter toa square. Usethe clues forhelp.Across2) Word with at leastone vowel.3) Word ending in 'e'and beginningwith 'th.'6) Same as Idown.7) Plural of Idown.8) Word.to) Not Shown.

DownI) Nine letter word.3) Same as 7down.4) Commonlyused word.5) Place.7) Same as 7 down.9) Family name.10) First name.

CROSSWORDSfor beginners

1111_1111_1111•II 111111 __ 1111•II II IIII ililil II •II II IIII • II IIII • •II IIII

II II 111111111111111111• IIII •II II•II 11111111111111111111

- Jennifer Solomon

!.M JERRY fOULWEU.~ ANP rW~T To INFORM You OF ANl.NSIDI cos PLOT n> VNDERMINEOUR .:JUST. ANt> HoLY ',JAY OF 1..1FE:BAc.KWARP5 MASKEP

EANUT 8UTTER r~-.--.--.-~

Fall 198311

ood tes s:Concorde SSTand FMC Model 210CA

trlc•C Irs:

A special report

BRAND-NAME RATINGSEyebrow tweezers

Itching powder

Toupee adhesive

Snake foodCanned Squid

.38 caliber pistols andemergency first aid kits

ON

Plus a specialreport on thenew RegencyXl. portablemodel

Plastic totS for kids: which breakfast cereals offers the best

Wt'P{your husband doesn't want that second cup d coffee

Solar powered meat tenderizers -wath the money?

feet from the ground). If this is notused, we recommend using a compacttrampoline or high energy pogo stick(see our January and February, 1982

•• issues, respectively).AIR FPA~ Each of the 100 passenger seats is

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ com~rtably padded, providing pkntyof room. An unusual feature of the

throughout the cabin and sending any Concorde is the fold-down table oncarts in the aisle careening into the the seat- back in front of you. Thisrest rooms (and also into anyone can come in handy for dining on in-standing in the aisle). flight meals, trying to find that elusiver-::==============:;i tax shelter, reading Tool and Die, or

pursuing some other wholesomeAmerican activity.

Outside ventilation on the Con-corde is nonexistent, due in part tothe fact that our windows did not rolldown (although attempting to breathethe air at 50,000 feet would be asomewhat less than pleasant exper-ience, anyway). Heating and air-condi-tioning controls, on the other hand,were quite satisfactory.Convenience: Any gauge or control isvirtually imposs-ible to find in lessthan five minutes. Once found, they'reeasy to read, although the markings

~----------------I are rather confusing; the speedometer,for example, is marked in knots ratherthan miles per hour. Fortunately, con-version is simple with a slide rule (Forour report on slide rules, see our Feb-ruary, 1979 issue).

The Concorde's luggage storagearea is spacious, as befits a vehicle ofthis size, and easily accessible. On theother hand, for some unknown rea-son, the Concorde is not equippedwith a spare tire. This made changinga flat unnecessarily difficult.

The Concorde is remarkable diffi-cult to service, and do-it-yourselfersshould be warned accordingly. Theservice manual recommends a mainte-nance crew be used; we consider this acostly and unnecessary inconvenience.Other considerations: The pilots' safetybelts seem adequate, although there isnot much room for adjustment. Forthis reason, we recommend againstbuying the Concorde if you are fat orpregnant. The passenger belts are veryadjustable, although they lack ashoulder belt. Neither harness can se-cure a child safety seat.

Vision to the front and sides isclear, but vision to the rear is nonexis-

Concorde SST (conditionally acceptable)

The Concorde SST (SupersonicTran port), a 100 pa senger aircraft,wa introduced everal years ago amida flurry of controver y. It was sup-posedl the fir t of a new generationof plane , capable of flying from ewYork to London in a mere four hours.

Available in one model only, theConcorde' li t price runs into the mil-lion . This i far more than a similarlyequipped Sopwith Camel Mk III orGoodyear Blimp. The only availableoption hich we ordered, is a motor-ized entry lexit tairway.Engine and transmission: The Olym-pus-Roll Royce engine is unusuallyresponsive allowing for a top speed of1420 miles per hour (often referred toas "mach II )- excessive, we think,in view of the 55 mile per hour speedlimit.

Had the Concorde been equippedwith a transmis ion, we would havebeen more than happy to evaluate it;unfortunately, we were unable to lo-cate a transmission (we had enoughtrouble finding the unorthodox throt-tle control).

Fuel economy was downright inad-equate even for a vehicle in this class.This was offset somewhat, though, bythe huge fuel tank.Handling and braking: On the runway,the Concorde proved to be rather un-wieldy. In abrupt maneuvers and hardturns, the Concorde had a tendency tofall over on its wing. In flight, theConcorde lalom performance(through clouds placed one mileapart) was adequate, although the ve-hicle tended to veer wide. The 204-foot overall length of the Concordeseriously inhibited maneuverability.During our nuclear warhead avoid-ance test, the Concorde's handling wassatisfactory, if somewhat clumsy.

The Concorde's brake performancewas fair on the runway - control wagood, but stopping distances averagedon the order of two miles. Duringflight, the brakes proved ineffective.This could be dangerous, in our opin-ion.Comfort: During flight, the Con-corde's ride was smooth, but accelera-tion made the ride somewhat chop-pier. "G force ' pushed our engineersback into their seats, splattering food

Concorde's slalom performance was surprisingly adequate.

~--1 miie----4

The Concords's high exterior noise levelseriously damaged this piece of inspec-tion equipment.

Concords's dashboard was confusing.

Inside the Concorde, the noise levelwas high, noticeably noisier than theSopwith or the Blimp. Outside noiselevels were much worse, reaching ashigh as 115 dBA; our college-graduat-ed testers rated this "intolerable." Inaddition, engine noise increased con-siderably during acceleration, oftenaccompanied by a high-pitched whine.In this respect, we rate the ConcordeConditionally Acceptable, on the con-dition that anyone within 1000 feet ofthe Concorde wear either earmuffs orheavy-duty earplugs, and that anyonewithin the plane wear regular earplugs(For our reports on earmuffs and reg-ular and heavy-duty earplugs, see ourJanuary, 1982, March, 1982, and Au-gust, 1982 issues respectively).

The pilots' seats are well-shapedand provide good support. The driv-ing position takes some getting usedto, though, as the odd steering wheeland illogically-placed throttle are a bitconfusing. Access is through the samedoor as the passengers, a minor incon-venience. When boarding, it is advis-able to use the $371 boarding stairway(since the door is approximately 30

colliSIon VII,thflock of birds

oltitude:1O.0ao'

tant due to the lack of a rear windowand rear view mirror (a serious over-sight).

We were unable to perform anybumper tests, due to the fact that theConcorde's nose and tail are approxi-mately 50 feet above the ground. Wedid, however, note the lack of any sortof bumpers, and therefore assumedthat the vehicle would not performwell in a head-on collision.

Predicted repair incidence for theConcorde is much, much worse thanaverage for the first four years, basedon our experiences with the similarMcDonnell-Douglas DC-lO.

Our Concorde came with 731 sam-ple defects, none of them serious.There were several pieces of loosemetal on the wings, and the nosedrooped excessively.

FMC Model21OCA

(conditionally acceptable)

We were not exactly thrilled at thethought of testing the FMC Model210CA, but it was deemed necessaryfor our readers interested in buyingthis type of vehicle.

Our FMC, which we classified as a"steel-tracked, high-speed logging ve-hicle," carried a list price of $110,000,over 85 times more expensive than aSubaru 360. We rated the FMC "ri-diculously expensive."

The FMC is available in one modelonly; no options are available.Engine and transmission: Our FMCwas equipped with the standard 318-cubic-inch (5.2-liter) diesel six. Fueleconomy was outrageously low; accel-eration - if you could .call it that-was dismal (almost twice as slow as aSubaru 360), but it is faster than walk-ing. Just barely.Handling and braking: The FMC cor-nered quite smoothly (although onecan hardly expect any body roll at 20mph). The FMC's sheer size and slowsteering serious"ly hampered its ma-neuverability. During our tests, weflattened two bicycles and ran throughthe front window of a jewelry store.

We also tested the FMC's treestump avoidance ability by attemptingto maneuver it through seven strategi-cally placed tree stumps (to simulate atypical forest). Unfortunately, due to

the FMC's wide track and long overalllength, we ran over every singlestump. The brakes were satisfactory,although coming to a full stop from20 mph is no great feat.Comfort: The FMC does not seem tohave any sort of provision for the in-stallation of shock absorbers. Obvi-ously, this did not help the ride at all.During our full-load test (in which we'load the vehicle to its full capacity),each bump we encountered was trans-mitted directly to the cab, reducingour sound-level measuring equipmentto no more than a fistful of shattered,smoldering electronic circuit boards.

Remarkably, there was the sameamount of noise outside as there wasinside. One of our testers attributedthis to the lack of doors and glasswindows. The FMC's extremely highnoise level made it extremely impracti-cal for driving through hospital zonesand past libraries. During "accelera-tion," noise increased markedly. Itwas enough to short-circuit the hear-ing aid of one of our testers (Hequickly consulted our report on hear-ing aids in our July, 1"982 issue, ofcourse).

The "seat" in our FMC consisted oftwo sheets of metal, one to sit on, andone to lean against. As comfortable asthis sounds, it isn't the sort of seat

aip In' saveBONUS

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for. Don't greeb the refterns, or tristen over ho·piing. Strinerm precious bodily fluids. Oonster, ontlapjur snelling, sie halfen tbem fortb to die in abappy city.1WIerdIIOIis :TB or fid TB. Thuf lis consumption. Ablin sis

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• del. To couft, 10 couft greasend 10 wendis. RestiDpsychological core dump. Ourman, lIerm fllnnylittle white things. Brent, foft trestor eymun radrilor yustin. Webbis the restin goop, but snell onlyonicent quilp. Axint, redlio lensdrol luf prinsdaneplognl subney. Yoncey platb, if crupsage persall~

Noff den bl oovilt inOammatioD of the senior.Resrlna the goll budley. Epsteln-barr an overnqultino Trophin reck pre-medical snud. Voluen sit

• on a pencil and rotate. Axial lochest defrestin, re-pindill isb cabibble. Sofrent molge unther, Gys liein bed and feel lousy till it gocs away. 00 ec 00

ah ab, ting, tang, wanna WanDa wing waDg. Bur·• fume, fontil greeb the dondreb reys. Weft ogrent• vishnu. Trexil snod only if drelklings snaf.

A ....... SUaiII:No Nukes. Coust toys in the allic, simply gone

• fisbing. 8rofstien tubeway sterno, sodium peo-: tathol. Yourf the soxent in the second jout. Efrain• zUt tbe grop? No problem, just trest on the iou'al.• Our five year mission, to explore staDge new: world~, to seck OUI new civilizatjon~, to boldly '0• where no man bas gone bccfore. Hu,e hairy bau.: Sneeb borkly dur freiscon. Mur fredling? Sepst!• Conyorn sistronic greepzors. Ob my ,od I thiDk• the drugs are beginning to lake effect. Aethio lite: sorp but don't i,non drelp till at least three usters• baye drokcd. Reig sie nit auf.• s,o.-H_~:• Perquacky strum "Tbat'll teacb you to play• with matches". Brillig when the slitby toves do• gyre and gymbol wabejously. Vorpal blades snick·: er snacking frabjously. Great snark hunt? Freeb• the snaOing roumsted. This should Yertize aDy: weystrens. If not, rUDlike:bell.• ~ LeMto.y~:

Indications- streeb wufOe bur SDUX gleepzor.: Owsla dur 1/32 inch drill bit from zbignew's lum·• bar yard. Find pre-frontal inro bana ayri pre... Lo• insrurt drusk 111m temporal or orcipilal. PatieDt: willscreld grafulden, like a pitbed frol. If not,• .scrOpfin org abruis. Velcrumpent avoi tbe etber• ;buDny. Parsley, sage, tbyme, California uber aUes.: Rampant esoterica. Tbat's Dot fllnny, that's sick.• Everybody's got something to hide 'cept me aDd• my monkey.: lAproey:'. Aeieo destynti face off at center icc. Brulent: snerd tbat's Dot funny that's sick. I w~uldD't be• doing tbis if it weren't for the mODey. If YOllr pa·• tient is then cured, recb dur sh'ma ou paternoster: before its tomard durkee sneldor. Oese haim eloi,t eloi lama sabacb ani ...• s.r.u..DI8e8M: ~istelda dick cheese bit the fan not to mention• tbe ceiling. Snedly rolph IDorleDt cbuzar. Tofu• gred snaxis. Ent slopforn 0 ,rody to tbe mn. \I: n'ya pas du regIe quatre. Kennst du das? Tbat's• nice, I don't. Are we nOI men? Prcnnez Ie asbestos• bUll plug. Coderre if you tell anyone wbo did tbis: "II kill you.

········ .

• ~:± ...+......t=f1:i

Two Specialty Vehicles• ~ 0 ~

Excellent VeryGood Good Fair

Coocorde SST

FMC Model 210 CA

m Unable to evaluate. since we were unable to Iocote this particular leature (see lext)

you'd like to pend more than fiveminutes in; the FMC's seat has nolumbar support, thigh support, upperback support, lateral support, or ath-letic support.

In addition, during inclementweather, the lack of doors and a solidroof allows rain, snow, and the like toenter, ruining our best pinstripe suitsand penny-loafers. Terribly unsatisfac-tory!

The fact that the FMC has nodoors aids entry and exit. However,one must climb on the tire tread (verycarefully) to enter. This is not easy, es-pecially for people wearing high heelsor roller skates.

The back seat is essentially similarto the front. Occupants are forced toface rearward while leaning againstthe cab. This is further complicated bya trapezoidal bar structure which se-verely cuts off rear legroom. {Editor'snote: As this issue went to press, wewere informed by the manufacturersthat there is no back seat - what wehad been sitting on was a luggagerack.]

Although fresh air ventilation in theF C was sufficient, we were unableto find any heater or air conditioningcontrols.Convenience: There are no controls ordisplays in the FMC, which madekeeping track of such things as speedand fuel quite difficult.

Luggage can be loaded onto theFMC's fold-down rack. However, dur-ing cornering and uphill driving, lug-gage tends to falloff. When carryingluggage we recommend tying it to therack with a heavy-duty rope (for ourannual rope comparison see our Octo-ber, J982 issue).Other considerations: The FMC has

no seat belts (Don't say you weren'twarned). On the brighter side, thismeans that there are no belts to snapor retractors to bother with. However,we still rate the FMC ConditionallyAcceptable, on the condition that thedriver secure himself to the seat with a300-pound test rope (see our October,1982 issue).

Vision to the front is obstructed bytwo struts and an odd-shaped objectprotruding from the hood. This iscompounded by the silly-looking net-ting which replaces the glass. H owev-er, the high seating position permits agood view of traffic, and allows thedriver to look down upon ugly littleforeign cars as he reduces them toscrap metal.

In testing the FMC's bumper pro-tection, we determined that the FMCis built like a brick wall. During ourbumper tests, the FMC emerged un-scathed. Unfortunately, our bumper-basher (a device which we use to bashthe bumpers of our test vehicles) sus-tained over $9,500 worth of damage.So much for safety.

The manufacturer claims that theFMC Model 210CA can "scale a 60%grade." We weren't able to test this,but as far as CR is concerned, a 60%is still an "F."

The problems continue. The FMClacks many features found standard inother cars. For example, we could find

FMC's unusual tire arrangement madechanging a flat difficult.

no ashtray, cigarette lighter (althoughCR does not encourage smoking),armrest, coin tray, or horn. This lastitem should not have been omitted,and we suggest the mounting of aloud electric air horn on the hood(For a complete evaluation of loudelectric air horns, see our November,1980 issue).

Based on our experiences with ourFMC, we estimate its incidence of re-pair to be somewhat higher than theJannsen Diesel-Powered Hedge Trim-mer CL150, but somewhat lower thanthe Remco H20 Egg Shredder.

Our staff chalked up over 15,000sample defects on our FMC upon de-livery. Since this is the first vehicle ofthis type we have tested, we assumedthis to be average.Recommendations: .

Since these. two vehicles are not di-rectly comparable, they will be dis-cussed separately. The Concorde SSTperformed adequately in all areas ex-cept one. For this reason, we rated theConcorde Conditionally Acceptable.We recommend the Concorde be oper-ated only while wearing heavy dutyearmuffs or earplugs.

The FMC Model 21OCA, on theother hand, was a dismal performer.It, too, was rated Conditionally Ac-ceptable, on the condition that thedriver secure himself to the seat with a30G-pound test rope.

We would like to say that these ve-hicles are not our preferred choices.Unfortunately, they are the only vehi-cles in their classes (and the only oneswe. could get our hands on for free).So, if you're in the market for vehiclesof these types, the Concorde and theFMC are your only choices. Toughluck.

Consumers Report's Page 457