in bad taste · in bad taste 12-17-01 blue 2. 1c continued: 1c archie (v.o.) (cont'd) but he...

IN BAD TASTE

based on the novellas:"Poison a la Carte" and "Murder is Corny"

by

REX STOUT

Teleplay by

WILLIAM RABKIN & LEE GOLDBERG

OFFICIAL WHITE DRAFTNovember 27, 2001PINK DRAFTDecember 4, 2001BLUE DRAFTDecember 7, 2001GREEN DRAFTDecember 15, 2001

JAFFE BRAUNSTEIN FILMS LTDNero Wolfe Production Services3585 St. Clair Avenue EastScarborough, ON M1K 1L8416-269-4888 Tel

IN BAD TASTE 12-17-01 BLUE 1.

FADE IN:

1 1INT. LEWIS HEWITT'S HOUSE - MONTAGE

- VARIOUS TANTALIZING SHOTS of BEAUTIFUL WOMEN fit theirperfect, young bodies into rich purple STOLAS. (The tunicworn by noble Roman matrons)

The stolas are slippery, they need help

They practice walking in them

They continue as we see a montage of sensual delights,alternating between...

1A 1AINT. HEWITT HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

FRITZ BRENNER and FELIX carefully preparing one elegant,visually delicious entree after another...pheasant, caviar,blini and sour cream, mussels.

1B 1BINT. BROWNSTONE - PLANT ROOMS - DAY

NERO WOLFE delicately and lovingly selecting orchids(phalaenopsis Aphrodite, to be exact), cutting them, andarranging them with exquisite care

1C 1CINT. HEWITT HOUSE - NIGHT

Nero Wolfe arrives presents them to LEWIS HEWITT

ARCHIE (V.O.)When Lewis Hewitt, themillionaire owner of even moreorchids than Nero Wolfe, askedWolfe to loan him Fritz Brennerto cook the annual dinner ofThe Ten for Aristology, a societydevoted to perfection in foodand drink, Wolfe not only allowedit, he agreed to attend himself.

(more)

CONTINUED


1C CONTINUED: 1C

ARCHIE (V.O.) (Cont'd)But he might have balked ifHewitt had mentioned one detail.

2 2INT. HEWITT HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

ARCHIE approaches a young lovely.

ARCHIEI'm Archie Goodwin and I'm afriend of the cook. Which oneof you will be my server?

Things are soon to begin. Fritz and Zoltan prepare the platesof blini and caviar. THREE KITCHEN HELPERS do various jobs.

The women, wearing loose-fitting STOLAS, are gathered aroundFELIX, the maitre d'hotel of Rustermans, being given theirassignments. FELIX uses a seating chart to show where eachguest is to be. Archie hovers on the sidelines with hisnotebook.

FELIXMiss Peggy Choate. You areassigned to Vincent Pyle. Here.

The girls make comments: Don't get too close. Uh-oh.

FELIXQuiet, please. Miss Iacono,your diner will be Nero Wolfe.

More noises, Felix continues as Archie stands in front ofNORA JARET, notebook out, pen poised.

ARCHIEMy reason for wanting your phonenumber is purely personal. It's your dimples.

NORAThey often make men swoon. Nora Jaret, without an H,Stanhope five, six, six, two,one. Now go away, I'm nervousenough about spilling the soup.

CONTINUED


2 CONTINUED: 2

Archie smiles and obediently moves to CAROL ANNIS who iswatching Fritz and Zoltan add the caviar to the blini plates.

ARCHIEI'm conducting a sociologicalexperiment, Miss--?

CAROLAnnis. Carol Annis.

ARCHIEI've been seized by an impulseto ask you for your phone number,and I'm no good at fightingimpulses. We'll have to humorit.

CAROLI have no sense of humor.

ARCHIEDifferent kind of humor butmaybe I can guess it. Socrates,one, oh-oh-oh-oh?

She turns away, seemingly fascinated by whatever Zoltan isdoing. A red-headed server, PEGGY CHOATE, tags Archie,clearly amused.

CONTINUED


2 CONTINUED: (2) 2

PEGGYYou like yourself, don't you?

Archie turns to her and flashes her his most winsome grin.

ARCHIECertainly. I string along withthe majority.

(to all the ladies:)We'll take a vote.How many of you like yourself,raise your hands?

A hand goes up, then two more, then all the rest.

ARCHIEOkay, that's settled. But nowthe real problem: I decided toask the most irresistiblybeautiful girl for her phonenumber, but I'm stalled. Youare all it. Beyond the wildestdreams of any poet.

PEGGYArchie, have your eyes examined. Sure, we're all beautiful, butnot in the same class as HelenIacono. Look at her.

CONTINUED

IN BAD TASTE 12-6-01 PINK 5.

2 CONTINUED: (3) 2

Archie does. HELEN has deep, dark eyes, dark velvet skin,and wavy, silky hair darker than either eyes or skin. She'smaking a point of ignoring him.

ARCHIEIt may be I am so dazzled bythe collective radiance that Iam blind to the glory of anysingle star. Say, maybe I am apoet after all. Perhaps if I'dbetter have all of your phonenumbers...

A WELL-DRESSED MAN enters and tugs on Archie's sleeve. Thisis LEWIS HEWITT.

HEWITTI hate to interrupt you at yourwork, Archie. But we're ready. Will you join us?

ARCHIELadies...

Archie smiles, gives the women a half-bow, and exits to:

3 3INT. HEWITT HOUSE - PANTRY - NIGHT

The Pantry is a long hallway between the dining room and thekitchen, lined with shelves and full of dishes.

ARCHIEYou realize, Mr. Hewitt, mixingWolfe, food and women is not agood idea.

HEWITTDon't be ridiculous.

ARCHIEI can't be responsible for hisconduct when the orgy begins. He will stamp out of the housethe first time one squeals.

HEWITTGood Lord. It's not like thatat all. The way Felix hasdrilled them all afternoon? Not only won't they squeal, butyou won't even see their facesunless you're impolite enoughto turn around and stare. It'sabout the food.

CONTINUED


3 CONTINUED: 3

As they exit, Fritz, Felix and Zoltan come into the pantry. Felix is about to have a heart attack.

FELIXI cannot endure.

FRITZCourage, mon vieux.

FELIXI cannot! I am the maitred'hotel of Rusterman's!

Zoltan growls, annoyed.

ZOLTANThey are women.

FELIXThey know nothing. Nothing. They cannot conceive of whatservice is.

ZOLTANIs not so bad. We will makethe plates of blini beforehandand then they carry them in. Wewill dish up the bowls of soupfor their little hands...

FELIXThey will have to carry thebowls. What if they spill thesoup.

(the men contemplate thehorror)

What is wrong with my waiters? Why must they be women. Whymust be they be actresses.

FRITZIt seems last year, they hiredreal waiters and they trippedon their stolas. It was adisaster.

FELIXAre they dining or looking?

FRITZI agree; it is not pure.

CONTINUED


3 CONTINUED: (2) 3

FELIXAnd Mr. Wolfe...he will...he...

He and Fritz shudder at the thought.

ZOLTANAhww, don't be such old women. You must take the good with thebad and enjoy.

FRITZThey are not true gourmets.

FELIXFritz. It is you who mustsuffer. They will not know. They will not taste.

FRITZI have been deceived.

4 4INT. HEWITT HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

A richly paneled room decorated with pictures of geese,pheasants, fruits, and other assorted edible objects. Thetablecloth is white as snow. The polished silver and thewineglasses glisten in the soft light. In the center of thetable is a low gilt bowl, two feet long, filled with clustersof orchids we saw cut by Nero Wolfe, who sits uncomfortablyin a chair, his fundament lapping over both sides. Archieenters with Hewitt. Nero Wolfe is listening to the lawyer,LEACROFT, expound the mysteries of corporate law.

ARCHIE (V.O.)Wolfe was miserable Not only was there no chair to accomodatehis fundament, he dislikes eatingwith strangers. But if he hadstayed home, there would havebeen no one to cook his dinner.

WOLFEI still do not understand, sir,why the heads of corporationsshould be immune to prosecution.

LEACROFTAh, but Mr. Wolfe.

(more)

CONTINUED


4 CONTINUED: 4

LEACROFT (Cont'd)There's a term of art for it -we say the government cannotpierce the corporate veil. Theonly justification the governmentcan use to strip away thelimitation on personal liabilityis if they are defrauding theminority shareholders. Takingtrips to the Bahamas and buyingski lodges or funding revolutionsin South America with theshareholders money. When theycan prove fraud, of course,they can go after the man'shouse. But if heads ofcorporations were not soprotected, who would take onthe enormous responsibility ofguiding a major corporation?

WOLFEPfui. They take it on so theymay rob and pillage in the nameof commerce.

LEACROFTDon't be foolish. They areresponsible to theshareholders...

WOLFEShareholders? Bah! Sharecroppers is more accurate. It is the corporation that takesthe share by stealing the soulsof its worshippers. And whatdo they worship, what do theysend their prayers to - a legalfiction. A piece of paper.

Archie and Hewitt take their seats among the TEN OTHERARISTOLOGISTS at the table.

HEWITT(intervening)

My compliments, Mr. Wolfe. Ihave never seen PhalaenopsisAphrodite better grown.

Wolfe acknowledges the compliment with a barely perceptiblenod. VINCENT PYLE, a theatrical producer who wears a dinnerjacket with a dark green tie to match. He eyes the orchidswith his head cocked and his mouth puckered.

CONTINUED


4 CONTINUED: (2) 4

PYLEI don't care for flowers withspots and streaks. They'remessy.

LEACROFTDon't be foolish, man. Theyare incredibly expensive.

HEWITTI would not attempt to breedthem. They are to regularblossoms as beluga is to salmonroe.

ADRIAN DART, a good-looking stage actor, laughs good-naturedly.

DARTI'm completely ignorant of thembut I love them. They are lustyand barbaric. Such flowers adorn the carriage of Queen Mabwhen troubles our dreams. Suchflowers drove Ophelia mad andmade Tatiana swoon for Bottom. Oh brave new world, that hassuch flowers in it.

WOLFEYou have managed to mangle four plays in one paragraph.

DARTI'm a mere player, Sir. I don'twrite the words, I speak them.

WOLFEThen let the rest be silence.

That's when the women make their entrance in their stolas,each girl carrying a plate -- with the blini already on it --and pose. Felix bustles around pouring Montrachet. Wolfe,reacting to the girls, glares at Archie, who tries his bestto look innocent.

WOLFEWhat is this flummery?

CONTINUED


4 CONTINUED: (3) 4

HEWITTWe went to ancient Greece notonly for our name but for otherprecedents. The goddess ofyouth was cupbearer to the Gods,so our custom is to be waitedon by maidens in appropriatedress.

WOLFE"Aristology" means the "scienceof dining, therefore yougentlemen are witlings. Diningis not a science, it is an art.

DARTThen as an actor, a man wholives to embody art, I agree. We must change our name. We'llappoint a committee right afterdessert -- but until then, letus indulge ourselves!

His fellow Aristologists join in a chorus of agreement. Theparade of women carrying plates of blini begins.

ARCHIE (V.O.)Wolfe had begun to boil. Ionly hoped that Fritz's bliniand caviar would keep him undercontrol.

Archie's attention is caught as a SERVER tilts her plate,and one of the blini slips onto the table. She starts toput it back on the plate with her fingers, but Felix hissesand quickly remedies the situation, adroitly using a fork. The rest of the plates are served.

4A 4ATIGHT ON A PLATE

And the blinis, sprinkled with chopped chives, piled withcaviar, and topped with sour cream. It's looks amazing.

And so begins our montage, no, our symphony, of fine dining...

WIPE TO:

4B 4BTHE SAME PLATE

Now empty, being taken away and replaced by a soup plate.

IN BAD TASTE 11-27-01 11


The girls are now taking the empty blini plates, replacingthem with soup bowls full of green turtle soup, which Zoltanladles from the sideboard. Felix watches carefully. As Pyletakes his last bite of blinis, and his plate is taken away,he complains loudly.

PYLEA new idea, putting sand incaviar. Are we chickens thatwe need grit?

EMIL KREIS, who is sitting beside Archie, speaks up:

KREISWhat does he know? He backedthree flops on Broadway thisseason.

And as they all begin to eat the soup,

We WIPE TO:

5A 5ATIGHT ON A SPECIAL DISH

It's flounder poached in a dry white wine, with the mussel-and-mushrooms sauce. It also looks wonderful.


We pan around the room, as each aristologist enjoys theculinary pleasure of each bite, savoring every morsel offish. The girls head back for the kitchen. Fritz has comein to bring more wine.

DARTSuperb!

HEWITTI must have the recipe!

Fritz reacts to that, leaves with dignity. The Aristologistsapplaud. Archie turns to Pyle, who is devouring his mealwith obvious delight.

ARCHIEAny sand?

Almost in response, Pyle suddenly drops his fork on his platewith a clatter, his head droops, and he clutches a hand tohis mouth.

CONTINUED


6 CONTINUED: 6

PYLEYou must excuse me. I'm sorry.

And with that, he rushes out. Archie and Wolfe share a look. Hewitt rises and follows him. There's a moment of awkwardsilence, then:

DARTWell, that's a damn shame, butstill - I'm going to finishthis.

Dart continues eating, and soon so do the others, includingWolfe, who nonetheless glowers.


Zoltan arranges the pheasants on a platter. Fritz appearsfrom the dining room to deal with the sauce for the pheasantsthickening on the stove. He tastes it, measures its readinessby dripping it from a spoon, and then adjusts the seasonings. A big deal.

ARCHIE (V.O.)Fritz is a true artist. Hedoesn't need applause. He doeshowever, require money. As the bookkeeper of the old brownstone on West 35th Street, I cancertify that keeping Fritz andhis kitchen costs Wolfe onlyslightly less than keeping hisplant rooms bulging with orchids.At first, Fritz refused to cookfor the Aristologist's banquet. He and Wolfe believe that morethan six at table spoils a meal. But when he read that the theyhad publicly denounced the useof horseradish on oysters, hereconsidered. When Hewitt gavehim carte blanche with the menu,he accepted. Occasionally, ithelps to be a millionaire.

ZOLTANThe sauce. It is smellingwonderful. Come. Girl. Smell.

Nora giggles and comes close and takes a sniff. Ah.

NORAOhh. That's better than frenchkissing. How do you make it?

CONTINUED

IN BAD TASTE 12-17-01 BLUE 12A.

7 CONTINUED: 7

Fritz conceals his horror, ever the gentleman.

FRITZThe pheasant is larded in porkstrips and soaked for twentyhours in a Tokay from the alps. with lemon, cloves, bay leaf,onion and celery. Then themarinade is reduced over a verylow flame, not even a simmer,very very slow, almost no heatuntil it turns a golden brown,which shines like a...

ZOLTANNo pepper?

FRITZPeppercorns.

NORACan I taste? Oh please,pleaseplease, Mr. Brenner.

(more)

CONTINUED


7 CONTINUED: (2) 7

NORA (Cont'd)Before the fusty oldAristologists get a chance,give a girl a taste.

Fritz sighs. He takes the small spoon and gives her a tasteof the sauce.

NORAOh. Oh. Oh my god. This isbetter than kissing, this isbetter than...are you married?

FRITZAh. It is time to present thenext course.

And we

WIPE TO:


Zoltan enters bearing an enormous silver platter. Felixlifts the cover off with a flourish, revealing gleamingpheasants. Fritz hovers modestly in the background. Thereare Ooo's and Ahhh's that die as Hewitt enters.

HEWITTVincent is in considerable pain,and a doctor has come. Thereis nothing we can do, so let usproceed.

Hewitt sits, but the life is definitely out of the party.

Felix and Zoltan go to dish up from the sideboard. Thegirls line up to get plates from them.

Fritz sighs and tries to maintain his calm. Seeing this,Wolfe's glower deepens.

ARCHIE(V.O.)The aristologists all resumedwith the pheasant, but the spiritwasn't the same. The annualdinner of the Ten for Aristologywas a flop.

WIPE TO:



Vincent Pyle still hasn't returned. The gentlemen arefinishing their croquettes and cheese. Hewitt gets up andleaves again. Wolfe follows.

CONTINUED


9 CONTINUED: 9

ARCHIE (V.O.)Hewitt left the banquet threemore times, and when he rosefrom his chair for the fourth,Wolfe went, too. I figured hewas at a rolling boil now, and wanted to glower at VincentPyle for spoiling Fritz's dinner.

10 10INT. HEWITT HOUSE - CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Wolfe lumbers down the corridor to an open doorway and peersinside.

WOLFE'S POV

Vincent Pyle lies on a bed, clearly near death, Hewitt and aDOCTOR at his side. The doctor looks grim.

Wolfe gestures and Louis Hewitt comes out.

WOLFEHas he said anything.

HEWITTHe keeps repeating "Jack in thePulpit."

WOLFEJack in the pulpit. Thewildflower?

HEWITTNo, no. It was that completeflop he backed last spring. Helost a small fortune.

WOLFEWhat does he complain of?

HEWITTThe money, of course.

WOLFEHis symptoms, sir.

HEWITTOh, well, it's food poisoning.Clearly. He vomited and fainted. His throat is very sore, hismouth is dry, but his skin iscool, and...

(more)

CONTINUED


10 CONTINUED: 10

HEWITT (Cont'd)(on Wolfe's look)

Oh. Wolfe. I'm sorry. I can'tbelieve that Fritz could beresponsible...I...I...

WOLFEPreposterous.

HEWITTBut what else could it be?

WOLFEPfui.

Wolfe pads away.

HEWITTWolfe, where are you going. What are you up to? This isjust...an unfortunate incident. What are you going to do in myhouse? Wolfe! Wolfe!

WIPE TO:

11 11OMITTED


The twelve maidens are scattered around on chairs and stoolsat tables and counters, eating. Archie is schmoozing. Awoman is busy at the sink. Zoltan is busy at therefrigerator, Fritz is pouring a glass of wine for himselfas Wolfe enters.

WOLFEFritz, I should have knownbetter. I beg your pardon.

FRITZBut it is not to pardon, onlyto regret.

CONTINUED


12 CONTINUED: 12

WOLFEI permitted Mr. Hewitt to cajoleyou.

FRITZThe man got sick and that is apity, but it was not my cooking,I assure you.

WOLFEYou needn't. I repeat that Iam culpable, but I won't dwellon that now. There is an aspectthat is exigent.

(to Archie)Archie, bring all of the womento me. They can stand - overthere.

Archie glances at the women, who are working on the leftovers.

ARCHIEThey're eating.

WOLFECollect them. And then getFelix with his chart.

Archie absorbs this, turns and calls out:

ARCHIELadies. Mr. Wolfe wants to seeyou.

The ladies respond - or don't. Archie gathers them.

ARCHIE (V.O.)For Wolfe to interrupt a man,or even a woman, at a meal wasunheard of. Boiling was noname for it now. Clearly, thepot was about to explode.

{END: ACT ONE}

WIPE TO:


Archie opens the door and sticks his head in. Felix ishanding out brandy and cigars. The gentlemen are departingfor the parlor. Archie gets Felix's attention, although,being a maitre d', Felix doesn't betray much.

CONTINUED


13 CONTINUED: 13

FELIXGentlemen. Brandy and cigarswill be served in the parlor.

Felix walks towards him.

CONTINUED


13 CONTINUED: (2) 13

ARCHIE (V.O.)When Wolfe's oldest friend,Marko Vukcic died, he left hisrestaurant, Rusterman's, to themembers of the staff in trust,with Wolfe as the trustee. Inthe exalted position of maitred'hotel, Felix knew how tocontrol his face and managed tobe both bland and commanding atonce. He was soon to be neither.


Wolfe is surrounded by female pulchritude. Felix hands himhis chart.

WOLFEI have gathered you for apurpose. My conclusions may beproven wrong, but I must act onthem in any case. I remind youthat the first course broughtto the table was caviar. Theportion served to Mr. VincentPyle contained arsenic. Mr.Pyle is upstairs, attended bydoctors, and will probably diewithin the hour.

There is an outburst. There are GASPS, EXCLAMATIONS ofsurprise - They are, after all, actresses - several clutchtheir throats, one slumps. Wolfe speaks softly.

WOLFEI am speaking.

(they quiet down)I speak not of facts, of course,but of conclusions formed byme.

NORAArsenic. Arsenic?!

PEGGYHow do you know?

WOLFEFrom the symptoms. A burningthroat, faintness, dry mouth.

(more)

CONTINUED


14 CONTINUED: 14

WOLFE (Cont'd)I concluded it was in the firstcourse, one, because of theamount of time it takes arsenicto act; and two, that Mr. Pylecomplained of sand in the caviar.

Fritz is now clearly affected, biting his lips, first thelower, then the upper.

FRITZI must assure you--

WOLFEI repeat: I need no assurancesfrom you, Fritz. Who preparedthe plates?

FRITZZoltan and I--

(points across the room:)At that table.

WOLFEThey were taken from that tableby the women?

ZOLTANI watch them Mr. Wolfe. And Isee nobody put any arsenic--

WOLFEOf course not.

(then, to the women:)Which one of you took that plateto Mr. Pyle?

No reply. No sound. No movement.

WOLFEPfui. If you didn't know hisname, you do now. The man wholeft during the fish course andwho is now dying. Who servedhim?

No reply. Archie fixes his eyes on the RED HEAD, PEGGYCHOATE.

ARCHIESpeak up, Red.

PEGGYI didn't!

CONTINUED



ARCHIEI heard Felix assign you tohim. And I looked right at youwhile you were serving him hissoup.

PEGGYBut I didn't take him that firstthing! He already had some!

WOLFEBut you were supposed to?

PEGGYYes. I took the plate from thetable there...

15 15INT. HEWITT HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

We watch Peggy start to go to Pyle; she sees that he has aplate already, and serve Wolfe instead, who is at Pyle'sright. In the b.g. Felix is mending the blini-gaffe.

PEGGY'S VOICEI started to serve him, saw healready had some, and thoughtI'd made a mistake. So I gavethe plate to you.


WOLFEIndeed. Who was assigned tome?

Helen Iacono speaks up:

HELENI was. Helen Iacono.

WOLFEDid you bring me the firstcourse?

HELENNo.

17 17INT. HEWITT HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

Helen sees Peggy serving Wolfe, so she gives her plate tosomeone else, MR. KREIS.

CONTINUED


17 CONTINUED: 17

HELENSince Peggy was serving you, Ithought I shouldn't make a fuss. So I gave mine to a man next tothe end.


MONTAGE:

WOLFEWho was assigned to him?

-A series of women pointing fingers first at the chart and then at another girl.

- Felix tracing the chart

- Archie writes names down in the book next to guest names.

- We hear in overlapping cues:

NORA (V.O.)Mr. Kreis was mine.

CAROL (V.O.)I was assigned to Leacraft.

LUCY (V.O.)When she gave her plate to Mr. Dart, I served Lewis Hewitt.

ARCHIE (V.O.)It was so simple. All Wolfeneeded was to get one girl toadmit she hadn't delivered hercaviar. But it turned into agame of ring a ring a rosy -although a better name would bepassing the buck.

END MONTAGE

Archie looks at a FERN FABER, a tall self-made blonde.

WOLFEAnd finally to you, Miss Faber. You were assigned to Mr. Hewitt,correct?

FERNI sure was.

CONTINUED


18 CONTINUED: 18

WOLFEBut you didn't serve him sincehe was served by

(consults Archie's list)Miss Morgan.

FERNI sure didn't.

WOLFEWhat did you do, Miss Faber?

FERNNothing. There wasn't any caviarleft when I got there.

WOLFENonsense. There were twelve ofyou, and there were twelve at table, and each received aportion. How can you say therewasn't any?

FERNBecause there wasn't. I wentto the john to fix my hair, andwhen I come back, Lucy's takingthe last one from the table. Iask Zoltan where mine is, hesays he don't know so I go tothe dining room and everybody'sgot some.

WOLFEHow long were you in there?

FERNMy God, I don't know, what doyou think - I timed it?

Wolfe takes in enough air to fill his middle and beginssurveys them all for a moment, not amiably.

WOLFEWhen I came here I thought itwould be a simple matter tolearn who had served the poisonedfood.

(more)

CONTINUED



WOLFE (Cont'd)But you -- and now I speak tothe poisoner -- you must haveextraordinary faith in yourattendant angel. For you tookgreat risks.

19 19INT. HEWITT HOUSE - KTCHEN/ PANTRY /DINING ROOM - NIGHT {FB}

As Wolfe lays out his SCENARIO, we SEE IT ENACTED... thoughonly from about WAIST-HIGH...we DO NOT SEE THE WOMAN'S FACE,just her actions as described:

WOLFE (V.O.)You took a plate from Zoltan'stable and on your way to thedining room you put arsenic inthe cream using a device, perhapsa paper spill. You served Mr.Pyle, came back immediately, toget a second plate, and gave itto one who had not been served.


The women are clearly unsettled by his chilling scenario.

WOLFEYou may be fleering at meinwardly, for it was a remarkablyadroit stratagem, but you can'tpossibly be impregnable.

(then, to the men:)Archie. You have the skill. Make sure none of these womenleave. Gentlemen, please.

As the ladies surround Archie to protest, Wolfe motions toFritz, Felix, and Zoltan, and walks out, the men followinghim.

21 21INT. HEWITT HOUSE - PANTRY - NIGHT

Wolfe leads the men to the dining room.

WOLFEMiss Faber is the only oneeliminated. She would not dareclaim not to have been in thedining room if in fact she was. Someone would have seen her.

(to Zoltan:)You say you watched as the plateswere taken.

(more)

CONTINUED


21 CONTINUED: 21

WOLFE (Cont'd)Which one came back and took asecond plate?

CONTINUED



ZOLTANI am thinking, Mr. Wolfe, butit doesn't help. I didn't lookat their faces, and they're alldressed alike.

WOLFEFritz?

FRITZI was at the range with theflounder.

WOLFEFelix. I have neglected youpurposely, to give you time toreflect. You were in the diningroom. I must look to you forthe fact itself. I must askyou to point her out.

FELIXI can't.

WOLFEPfui! You are trained to seeeverything.

FELIXTrue. I knew you would ask methis, but I cannot answer. Ican only explain.

WOLFEI have always found you worthyof trust, but it's possiblethat in your exalted position,maitre d'hotel at Rusterman's,you would rather dodge than getinvolved in a poisoning. Areyou dodging, Felix?

FELIXGood God, Mr. Wolfe. I aminvolved. I didn't see anything but that stupid girl, MarjorieQuinn - it was a terrible gaffe.

22 22INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

The server tilts her plate, losing her blini. Felix goes tothe rescue when he sees her try to put it back on with afinger and deftly puts it back on the plate with a fork.

CONTINUED


22 CONTINUED: 22

FELIX (V.O.)When I saw her start to put itback with her fingers, I had toact.


The three men look at Wolfe, who is shaking his head.

WOLFEIncredible. The wretch hasincredible luck.

Wolfe marches out.

24 24INT. HEWITT HOUSE - PARLOR ROOM - NIGHT

The men -- all but Hewitt, Shriver, and Pyle -- relax withbrandy and cigars as Wolfe enters.

KREISOh, there you are. Our customis to ask the chef to join uswith champagne, which isbarbarous but gay, but of course,under the circumstances...

WOLFEMr. Pyle is still alive?

KREISWe hope so, we sincerely hopeso.

DARTThere's been no word for anhour.

KREISI suppose I should go up.

(more)

CONTINUED


24 CONTINUED: 24

KREIS (Cont'd)It's so damned unpleasant.

Wolfe takes a seat, sinking into it heavily.

WOLFEI have discovered the artificethe culprit used, but not heridentity.

DARTThe artifice? What do you mean?

WOLFEI have been interviewing thewomen to find out who servedhim the caviar. I have asked Mr. Shriver, Mr. Hewitt, Mr.Goodwin and Mr. Brenner. I amstill at a loss to identifyher.

LEACROFTAren't you a bit premature? there may be no culprit. Anacute and severe gastricdisturbance.

WOLFENonsense. I am too provokedfor civility, sir. The symptomsare typical of arsenic and youheard Mr. Pyle complain of sand.

LEACROFTNot one of them would admitserving him the caviar?

WOLFEI am not a tyro of inquiry, Mr.Leacroft. I'll ravel it foryou later but now I want to geton.

He stands - a remarkable event.

WOLFEBy a remarkable combination ofcunning and luck she has so fareluded identification, so Iappeal to you, all of you.

(more)

CONTINUED



WOLFE (Cont'd)I ask you to close your eyesand recall the scene. Who servedVincent Pyle. Which one wasit?

Everyone closes their eyes. Adrian Dart, stands with hiseyes closed, his chin up, his arms folded, posing forconcentration, he takes a deep breath and holds it. Hiseyes flash open dramatically.

DARTIt's gone. I must have seenit, but it's gone. Utterly.

KREISI didn't see it. I simplydidn't.

All the men now voice their "I don't knows" and "I didn'tsee anythings." Wolfe puts his hands on the table and saysgrimly:

WOLFEThen I'm in for it. I am yourguest, gentlemen, and would notbe offensive, but I am to blamethat Fritz Brenner was enticedto this deplorable fiasco. IfMr. Pyle dies, as he surelywill--

That's when Hewitt and Shriver enter, followed by the familiarburly frame of SGT. PURLY STEBBINS.

HEWITTVincent Pyle is dead. Half anhour ago. Dr. Jameson calledthe police. He thinks that itis practically certain--

STEBBINS(interrupts:)

Hold it, I'll handle this, ifyou don't mind.

And on Wolfe's glower, we DISSOLVE TO:

25 25INT. POLICE STATION - BULLPEN - NIGHT

A COP guides two of SERVERS, still in their stolas down thehall, pass Felix, Fritz and Zoltan, who sit on a bench, seeno evil, hear no evil, say no evil. The three kitchen helpersalso wait. They all are preoccuppied.

CONTINUED


25 CONTINUED: 25

FELIXThis is a tragedy. When wordgets out...

ZOLTANIt cannot be a woman.

FRITZWhy not?

FELIX...You realize this...Therestaurant will suffer. Therestaurant will suffer.

FRITZWe must be strong. We must beclear and face our interogatorswith cool vision.

ZOLTANI don't believe one of thosegirls...I cannot. Arsenic. Incaviar.

FRITZShe must have had a great hatred.

ZOLTANBeluga!

FELIXA woman's hatred. A secretfestering no man can understand.

ZOLTANIt could not be the blonde. Perhaps the red head?

FELIXHow could she do this to therestaurant. Did she think?

ZOLTANShe is a woman.

FRITZWe might as well accept it.

A STOLA CLAD SERVER emerges from a room, guided by a POLICEOFFICER. Needless to say, the party provides a contrast tothe normal denizens of a late-night police station. TheSOUND OF SHOUTING makes everyone turn.

CONTINUED



CRAMER (V.O.)Quit twisting my words around!

26 26INT. POLICE STATION - CRAMER'S OFFICE - NIGHT

We are TIGHT ON INSPECTOR CRAMER, who is standing in frontof Wolfe, furious and roaring:

CRAMERI didn't charge you withcomplicity! I merely said you'reconcealing something, and whatthe hell is that to scrape yourneck? You always do!

Archie Goodwin and Purley Stebbins sit and watch their bosses.

WOLFEEveryone omits something, ifonly because to includeeverything is impossible. Maywe go home now or do you wishto show us the sunrise?

CRAMERYou witnessed the commission ofa murder and you didn't notify--

WOLFE(interrupts:)

It wasn't a murder until hedied.

CRAMERAll right, a felony. You notonly failed to report it, you--

WOLFE(interrupts:)

That a felony had been committedwas my conclusion, not a fact.

CRAMERThen why did you start aninvestigation, questioningsuspects--

WOLFE(interrupts:)

Merely to test my conclusion. I would have been a ninny toreport it before learning--

CONTINUED


26 CONTINUED: 26

CRAMER(interrupts:)

Damn it, will you let me finisha sentence? Just one?

WOLFECertainly. If it has import.

CRAMERYou knew Pyle was dying. Yousaid so.

WOLFEAlso my own conclusion. Thedoctors were still trying tosave him.

Cramer turns to look at Archie, sees nothing inspiring, turnsback to Wolfe.

CRAMERThose three men -- Fritz Brenner,Felix Courbet and Zoltan Mahany -we can forget Brenner but it'shard to believe the other twodon't know who served Pyle.

WOLFEIt is indeed. They are highlytrained men.

CRAMERThen I want to ask your opinionof a theory. In the trashcontainer in the kitchen, wefound a roll of ordinary whitepaper that had been rolled intoa tube, held with tape, smallerat one end. The laboratory hasfound particles of arsenicinside.

WOLFEAs I surmised, a paper spill.

CRAMERAnd the only two fingerprintson the spill were Zoltan's. Heclaims he saw it on the floor after the meal was started,picked it up, and threw it out.

(more)

CONTINUED



CRAMER (Cont'd)What's wrong with the theorythat Zoltan poisoned one of theportions and saw that it wastaken by a certain girl?

He gets up pacing.

CRAMERNo, no don't bother. I'll answerthat myself. Despite what youthink, other people in thistown are capable of reason. There are two things wrong withit. First, Zoltan claims thathe didn't know which guest anyof the girls were assigned to. But Felix knew and they couldhave been in collusion. Second,the girls all deny that Zoltanindicated which plate they wereto take, but you know how thatis. He could have done itwithout her knowing it. Supposethey meant to poison you and itwent to the wrong man?

WOLFEThat's not only untenable, it'segregious. Why then did onegirl come back and get a secondplate?

CRAMERShe was confused. Nervous. Dumb. And now she's too scaredto admit it.

WOLFEI suggested to Mr. Stebbinsthat the lab check the girls'pockets for traces of arsenic.

CRAMERThe lab did and they all cameout clean. So only Zoltan istied to the arsenic. And hecould have had help from Felix. You know these men, Wolfe.

WOLFEI know them, but I do not answerfor them.

(more)

CONTINUED



WOLFE (Cont'd)They may have a dozen murderson their souls, but they hadnothing to do with the death ofMr. Pyle and I shall unmask theconniving wretch who isresponsible. Have youestablished the order in whichthe plates were served?

CRAMERAll we got is contradictions. We got the last five, but thefirst seven - we can't pry itout of them.

Wolfe rises with difficulty from his chair.

WOLFEYou have your army. Put themto work on it. I am going home.

Archie opens the door for Wolfe and shoots a look at Cramer.

ARCHIEAlways a pleasure.

And on Cramer's scowl, we WIPE TO:

27 27EXT. BROWNSTONE - STOOP (STUDIO) - DAWN

An exhausted Wolfe, Archie and Fritz mount the stairs.

28 28INT. BROWNSTONE - ENTRY HALL - DAY

ARCHIEWell, it wasn't so bad. I hadRowcliffe stuttering in eightminutes flat.

FRITZShall I cook breakfast?

WOLFEYou will forget about breakfastuntil further notice. Archie. Take a note up to Theodore thatI will not appear at nine. Imay not come at four. Have allof them here at six o'clocktonight.

ARCHIEAll of whom?

(more)

CONTINUED


28 CONTINUED: 28

WOLFE (Cont'd)The women. Dealing with themsingly would be interminable.

Wolfe heads straight for the elevator, his back to Archie.

ARCHIEI have a suggestion: postponeoperations until your wires areconnected again. Or aspirin. Do you want some aspirin?

WOLFEI want them.

The DOORBELL RINGS. Archie goes to the window.

ARCHIEWell, here's one right now. Helen Iacono. She must haveread your mind. Shall we keepher until we gather the rest?

WOLFEConfound it. Bring her in.

He marches to his office. Archie goes to answer the door.

ARCHIEMiss Iacono.

HELENI want to see Nero Wolfe. Ihaven't had any sleep.

ARCHIEYou do look a might puffy. Areyou looking for a place to takea nap?

HELENI can't go home and I wouldn'tget any sleep if I did. Mymother will start in on me againabout being in show business.

(more)

CONTINUED



HELEN (Cont'd)She doesn't want me to be anactress. She didn't want me togo there last night, even if Iwas making fifty dollars justfor serving food to a bunch offinickers. She'll call my fatherand insist that he come homeand talk to me about what amistake I'm making being anactress.

ARCHIEMr. Wolfe doesn't give out careeradvice.

HELENI don't want career advice. I'm afraid.

{A&E: END ACT TWO}

WIPE TO:

29 29INT. BROWNSTONE - WOLFE'S OFFICE - LATER

Helen Iacono is seated in the red leather chair. From thelook on Wolfe's's face, she's been talking for a long time,and doesn't seem inclined to stop soon.

HELENI came because you're a detectiveand you're very clever and I'mafraid they'll find out somethingI did and if they do, I won'thave a career. So I decided totell you my secret and then ifyou'll help me I'll help you.

WOLFEI can't keep a secret if it's aguilty one. Is it a crime?

HELENNo.

WOLFEThen proceed, madam.

HELENI stabbed Vincent Pyle and gotblood on me.

CONTINUED

IN BAD TASTE 12-18-01 GREEN 34.

29 CONTINUED: 29

Archie stares. Wolfe waits for her to continue. And waits. Then, when it's apparent she's not going on:

WOLFEOrdinarily, Miss Iacono, stabbinga man is considered a crime.

HELENThat's why I wanted to tellyou.

WOLFEWhen and where did this happen?

HELENThree months ago in hispenthouse. Of course I knewabout him. Everybody does. But they were about to startcasting Jack in the Pulpit andI didn't know it was going tobe a flop. If a girl wants tohave a career she has to besociable.

30 30INT. PYLE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

They are barely in the door when Pyle makes a pass at her...and aggressive one. She tries to get away, but he pins heragainst his desk.

HELEN (V.O.)He turned into a beast. So Igrabbed a knife from the tableand stabbed him with it.

She stabs him in the shoulder. He staggers back, shocked,blood on his shirt and on her dress.

31 31INT. BROWNSTONE - OFFICE - DAY

HELENWhen I got home I tried to getthe blood out of my cardigan *but it left a stain. It cost46 dollars.

WOLFEBut Mr. Pyle recovered.

HELENOh, yes. I don't know if hebacks shows just so he can getgirls, but it might as well be.

(more)

CONTINUED


31 CONTINUED: 31

HELEN (Cont'd)I don't mean just taking themout, I mean the last ditch. Wesay that on Broadway. You knowwhat I mean?

WOLFEI can surmise.

HELENSometimes they say the laststitch. What if the policefind out about it?

WOLFEThe police are not simpletons. You wouldn't be arrested formurdering Mr. Pyle last night,let alone convicted, merelybecause you stabbed him in self-defense last January.

HELENBut if they find out right awaywho did it, that would end itand I'd be all right. Only I'mafraid they won't find out rightaway, but I think you could ifI helped you. I can't offer tohelp the police because they'dwonder why.

WOLFEI see. How do you propose tohelp me?

HELENWell, if you're right and onegirl went back twice, it mustbe one of the last five, right? Peggy Choate or Nora Jaret orCarol Annis or Lucy Morgan.

WOLFEOr you.

HELENNo, not me.

(more)

CONTINUED



HELEN (Cont'd)See, there's a lot of talk aboutthe girls he gets, but nobodyreally knows because he's alwaysvery careful about it. So Ican talk to those girls andfind out which one went to thelast ditch with him and thentell the police I saw her goingback to the kitchen for anotherplate.

(off their looks)And you didn't think a 20 year-old girl could help, did you? I saw your face when I said it.

WOLFEIt's possible you're oversimplifying the problem. Mr.Pyle was in agony, but he couldspeak. Why didn't he denouncehis poisoner? Surely when hesaw her serve him, he was puton his guard.

HELENBut he didn't see her. Shecame up behind him. And hedidn't know she wanted to killhim. Men don't know how a girlfeels. Look at me. Pyle thoughtI would give up my honor and myvirtue just to get a part inhis play, and it was a flop.

WOLFEMiss Iacono. We are dealingwith malign and crafty harpyand I will not be a party toyour peril.

HELENWhat?

WOLFEI don't think you should talkto these women alone. Let mepropose an alternative. Arrangefor Mr. Goodwin to see themwith you. In a group.

HELENLike a party?

CONTINUED



WOLFELike a party. He is a trainedinvestigator and knows how tobeguile.

CONTINUED



Helen looks at Archie, who does his best to look beguiling. Helen objects. Wolfe counters. They agree.

ARCHIE (V.O.)When Wolfe made it plain thathe would accept her as acolleague only if she acceptedhis alternative, Helen gave upand gave in.

She gets up to go:


Archie leads her out the front door, locking it behind her.

ARCHIE (V.O.)I was busy congratulating myselfthat I hadn't gotten her phonenumber. I don't say a girlmust have true nobility ofcharacter before I'll buy herlunch, but you have to draw theline somewhere.

He goes back to:

33 33INT. BROWNSTONE - WOLFE'S OFFICE - DAY

To find Wolfe sitting with his eyes closed and his fistsplanted on the chair arms. Is he dozing or thinking?

ARCHIEEven money.

WOLFEOn what?

ARCHIEOn her against the field. Itwas getting too hot for comfortand she decided that the bestway to duck it was to wish iton some dear friend.

Wolfe's eyes open.

WOLFEShe would, certainly.

(more)

CONTINUED


33 CONTINUED: 33

WOLFE (Cont'd)A woman whose conscience has nosting will stop at nothing. But why come to me?

ARCHIEFor a guess, she was afraid thecops would find out how she hadsaved her honor and virtue andtell her mother and father andher father would spank her.

That image is it for Wolfe. He rises and heads for the door,passing Archie.

WOLFEDo your feeble attempts toprovoke me amuse you?

ARCHIEEndlessly.

(V.O)Wolfe slept through two sessionswith the orchids. My ownattempts to nap were interruptedby calls from Helen to let meknow how she was getting onwith the party.

34 34INT. CAB - NIGHT

Archie, in fresh clothes but not quite refreshed himself,opens the door and lets Helen in.

ARCHIE (V.O.)Yes, I was now calling her Helen.I didn't feel like it, but inthe detective business, youhave to be sociable, of coursepreserving your honor and virtue.

HELENThis isn't going to work. Pylewas too careful. The only waywe'll find out is if one ofgirls opens up. But if one ofthem did that, she'd practicallybe confessing to murder.

CONTINUED


34 CONTINUED: 34

ARCHIENot if she doesn't realize whatshe's saying when she tells us.

HELENI can't do that. And neithercan you. I have a better idea.

ARCHIEI'm relieved.

HELENAfter tonight, you and I decidewhich one is the most likely,and I'll tell Wolfe I saw herbringing a second plate andWolfe will call the police, andthat will do it.

Helen beams. Archie leans back against the seat.

ARCHIE(V.O.)No, I didn't feel like callingher Helen. I would just assoon have been too far awayfrom her to call her at all.

35 35INT. NORA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Nora Jaret, Carol Annis, and Helen Iacono are scattered onthe couches around the room. Lucy Morgan is sprawled on thefloor. Archie perches precariously on a wobbly-legged chairwith a glass of milk, Peggy Choate comes up to him, shecarries two bottles of BUBBLE-PAGNE and glasses.

ARCHIE (V.O.)Nora Jaret's apartment was onthe fourth floor of an old walk-up near Amsterdam Avenue. Itwas furnished and had the kindof homeyness that places getwhen they're used by a lot ofdifferent people for fifty orsixty years. Our hostesseswere Peggy Choate, the redhead,and Nora Jaret with the dimples.

NORAI'm pretty beat for a bigmeeting. Or even a party.

(more)

CONTINUED


35 CONTINUED: 35

NORA (Cont'd)I spent the whole day at theDistrict Attorney's office.

PEGGYMe, too. After all, I wassupposed to have served Mr.Pyle.

HELENWell, you see I thought we couldease our minds if we could findout from Archie what Nero Wolfehas found out and what the policeare doing, so we could knowwhere we stand. I've gottenhim to loosen up a bit and itturns out, he's very nice andsympathetic.

PEGGYAs long as you came all the waydown here to tell us what thepolice are doing, we thoughtwe'd try to make it a littlefestive.

She thrusts a bottle at him. Archie studies the label.

ARCHIEBubble-Pagne. RegisteredTrademark.

PEGGYTen cents a bottle.

ARCHIEThanks, I'll stick with themilk.

Peggy shrugs and goes to fill the other glasses. Carol Anniswaves her off.

CAROLSo what do the police think?

ARCHIEThey think one of you here killedPyle because you were the lastfive to serve a plate.

LUCYI thought you were nice.

CONTINUED



NORAHow do you know what they think?

ARCHIEI'm not at liberty to say. *

CAROLI know what I think. I thinkit was Zoltan. He's a chef atRusterman's and Nero Wolfe isthe trustee there and so he'sthe boss there, and I thinkZoltan hated him and tried topoison him but he gave thepoisoned plate to the wronggirl.

ARCHIEI doubt very much if the police *would buy that. *

PEGGYWhat would they buy?

ARCHIEAnything that would fit. *

PEGGY *They think one of us served two *plates and poisoned Pyle.

LUCYThey're a bunch of dopes. Theyget an idea and then they haven'tgot room for another one.

PEGGYThere's no proof any of us wentback for another plate.

NORAOr even if she did, there's noproof it wasn't just a mistake.

ARCHIEThere is, but it's tricky. Look. Here's Felix's seatingchart. And here are twelvepieces of paper.

He unfolds the seating chart and produces 12 colored piecesof paper.

CONTINUED



HELEN(overly bright)

Oh. So we write the names ofthe girls on them?

ARCHIEWell, that's a great idea, Helen.

As they write...

ARCHIETry to move the girl pieces so *one of them either takes in two *plates at once or goes back for *a second plate but doesn't give *one to Pyle. It can't be done. *

NORAWhy not?

ARCHIEBecause if either of those things *happened, there wouldn't have *been one mix up - there wouldhave been two. *

PEGGYI don't believe it.

ARCHIEThen show me.

MONTAGE

As the five girls try to work out the puzzle. Archie hasset out the seating chart. Nora kneels facing him, Lucyprops herself on her elbows, Carol squats on side of Archie,Peggy on the other, while Helen stands behind them. Theirvoices and comments come and go and overlap....

ARCHIE(V.O.)My memory has had a long stifftraining under the strains andpressures Wolfe has put on it,but I wouldn't undertake toreport all the combinationsthey tried, even if I thoughtyou cared.

CONTINUED

IN BAD TASTE 12-18-01 GREEN 42A.


HELENPeggy served mine and I served *Nora's and Nora served Carol'sand Carol served Lucy's so thatmeans...that means...uhm...

LUCYWait, wait, she gave the secondone to that actor...no, Carolgot him...she gave it to Hewittbecause Fern didn't...no, Iserved him...she gives it toQuinn?

PEGGYI don't believe this.

NORAThat's what he's said. You can'tleave out Pyle. Nobody couldtake two plates in and not servePyle.

PEGGYI just don't believe it!

CAROLAnd when she realizes she's notsupposed to have a second platelike she just puts it downsomewhere...like right next toher guy.

It almost looks like a game of Twister. The girls try everypossible combination, their faces registering excitement,

then confusion and irritation,

And then finally defeat as none on their combinations provestheir point.

CONTINUED



Finally, one by one, the girls give up, until only PeggyChoate is left, frowning and biting her lip, propped firston one hand then the other. Then:

PEGGYNuts.

And she sweeps all the papers into a pile with her arm andwe END MONTAGE.

36 36INT. NORA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

As the girls go back to their seats, unsettled by thedemonstration.

CAROLIt's just a trick.

NORAI still don't believe that oneof us deliberately poisoned aman. Point at her! Point herout, I dare you to!

ARCHIEIf I could, I wouldn't bebothering the rest of you. *

There is a long beat. The girls look at each other anxiously.

ARCHIEAll right. One by one.

(to Carol)Did you know Pyle?

CAROLOf course. Everybody in showbusiness does. I met him at aparty. He came backstage atthe Coronet once.

ARCHIEMiss Morgan?

CONTINUED


36 CONTINUED: 36

LUCYYou call this helping us?

(on his look)I danced with him at the Flamingoonce. That was the closest Ihad ever been to him.

ARCHIEMiss Choate?

PEGGYI never had the honor. I justmoved from Montana.

ARCHIEMiss Jaret?

NORAOh sure. At Sardi's all thetime. But that's the only placeI ever saw the great Pyle and Iwasn't with him.

ARCHIEHelen?

HELENI never met him.

ARCHIESo you said. Well. If one ofyou poisoned Pyle, and I hateto say it but I don't see anyway out of that, one of you islying.

The girls exchange glances, now suspicious of each other.

LUCYArchie Goodwin, a girl's bestfriend.

CAROL *Now you've got us suspecting *each other. *

(more)

CONTINUED



ARCHIE (Cont'd)Look, if you don't want to tellthe cops about going to thelast ditch with Pyle, tell menow. If one of you saw a girlserve Pyle and don't want totell the cops, tell me now. I'll tell the cops I wormed it *out of you.

Nothing. Silence. Archie gets up.

ARCHIEThen let's go down to NeroWolfe's office. I don't say hecan sort this out just bysnapping his fingers, but hemight surprise you. *

NORAAll right. All right. This isgetting too damn painful. Comeon.

She gets up, followed by the other girls. But before he canget them out, a door in the back of the room swings open,revealing Purly Stebbins.

STEBBINSI'm surprised at you, Goodwin. These ladies need their sleep.

If Archie is surprised -- and he is -- he won't show it.

ARCHIEGreetings. And welcome. I'vebeen wondering why you didn'tjoin us instead of skulkingthere in the dark.

STEBBINSI'll bet you have.

(to the girls)You can relax, ladies.

(to Archie)You're under arrest forobstructing justice.

ARCHIENo cuffs?

STEBBINSClown if you want to.

(more)

CONTINUED



STEBBINS (Cont'd)Let's go.

ARCHIEIn a minute. We've got all night.Of course, Peggy and Nora knewthis hero was in there, but I'dlike to know who else did.

HELENI didn't.

CAROLOh stop pretending. It'scontemptible. Of course heknew.

(to Archie)You got us all up here to talkand got us all so we would talkwith a policeman listening.

HELENDon't be stupid. Why is hearresting Archie then.

CAROLIt's just an act.

HELENPeggy, Nora. You knew. Didhe?

NORANo. I promise you. I calledthe police station this afternoonafter you called. I thought...Ithought..

HELENWhy didn't you tell us?

PEGGYHe said not to. Mr. Stebbins.

They all start talking at once.

HELENWell, you better think abouteverything you said, becausehe's not your friend.

CONTINUED



PEGGYYou're the one who brought ArchieGoodwin up here. He's not ourfriend either.

NORAI can't believe this. I can'tbelieve this.

ARCHIEWell, Stebbins, you certainlyspoiled the party.

STEBBINSAnd you interfered with ahomicide investigation. Youtold them what the police thinkand what they are going to do. So you get to go downtown andexplain yourself.

Archie knows better than to fight. They head for the door.

37 37INT. POLICE STATION - BULLPEN - NIGHT

Purley and Archie come in. Archie stops.

ARCHIEI've been thinking about lawsand liberties and so on.

PURLEYI'm happy for you.

ARCHIEIf a man is arrested forobstructing justice, and itturns out he didn't obstructany justice, does that make thearrest false?

STEBBINSYou tried to get them to tellyou things instead of tellingthe police.

ARCHIEI guess I'll have to ask alawyer.

STEBBINSI heard you and I took notes,Goodwin.

CONTINUED


37 CONTINUED: 37

ARCHIENathaniel Parker would know.

STEBBINSYou haven't even got the excusethat Wolfe is representing aclient.

CONTINUED



ARCHIEWrong.

STEBBINSWho is she?

ARCHIEFritz Brenner. He's seeing redbecause food cooked by him waspoisoned.

STEBBINSAwww, cripes.

ARCHIEIt's convenient to have a clientliving right in the house. Youdo admit that a licenseddetective has a right toinvestigate on behalf of aclient?

STEBBINSI admit nothing.

ARCHIEThat's sensible. When you'reon the stand, being sued forfalse arrest, it would be badto have it thrown up to you,you could get hooked for a year'spay.

STEBBINSYou think I'm crawling, butyou're wrong. I know damn wellthat you're going to clam up. Lt. Rowcliffe is expecting you. It was him Nora Jaret calledand he sent me.

Archie nods, understanding Purely's situation.

ARCHIE (V.O.)He's a proud man, Purley is. And I wouldn't go so far as tosay he has nothing to be proudof.

(more)

CONTINUED



ARCHIE (Cont'd)(out loud)

One will get you five that Ican get him stuttering in tenminutes.

Stebbins stifles a smile

ARCHIE (V.O.)It only took me eight minutesto get Rowcliffe stuttering, apersonal best, so I got home at2 am.

WIPE TO:


Archie stifles yawns as he relates last night's occurrencesto Wolfe.

WOLFEWhat are you conclusions fromthis episode?

ARCHIEMy basic conclusion is I cameup with nothing.

WOLFEYou are saying it must be leftto the police? That I can exposeher only by a stroke of luck.

ARCHIERight. Or genius. I make noconclusions about genius.

WOLFEThen why the devil were yougoing to bring them to me atmidnight? Don't answer. Iknow. To badger me.

That's when Fritz comes in, a grave look on his face.

WOLFEWhat is it?

FRITZI am sorry to disturb you, sir,but the watercress we have beendelivered is at least a dayold.

CONTINUED


38 CONTINUED: 38

WOLFEAgain?

FRITZYes, sir.

Wolfe's eyes narrow in anger.

WOLFEI must see this abomination formyself.

He gets up. Fritz does not follow. Wolfe stops.

WOLFEWhat?

FRITZThere's another matter, sir.

WOLFEYes.

FRITZFelix and Zoltan would like anappointment with you after lunch,and I would like to be present.

WOLFEIs something wrong with therestaurant?

FRITZNo, sir. Concerning themisfortune of Tuesday evening.

WOLFEWhat about it?

FRITZIt would be better for them totell you. It is their concern.

Archie swivels for a view of Fritz's face. Wolfe studiesFritz for a long moment.

WOLFEWould half-past two beconvenient?

Fritz nods and leaves. The moment he's gone, Archie swivelsback to look at Wolfe.

CONTINUED



ARCHIEYou want me to go pry it out ofhim?

CONTINUED



WOLFENo.

ARCHIEBut suppose Felix and Zoltanhave been holding out on us?

WOLFEI assume we will learn that athalf-past two.

ARCHIESo this isn't urgent.

WOLFEIt may be. But while there isno one more obliging that Fritz,but also there is no one moreimmovable when he has taken astand. We shall not press him.

Archie settles back into his seat with a sigh and we WIPETO:

39 39INT. BROWNSTONE - HALLWAY - DAY

The doorbell is ringing. Fritz comes down the hall. He wearsa suit, not his usual uniform. He admits Feliz and Zoltan.They are all very nervous.

FRITZFelix. Zoltan.

FELIXWhat did he say?

FRITZHe asked if half past two wouldbe convenient.

ZOLTANNothing else?

FELIXYou will be quiet. Nothingelse?

FRITZNothing else.

FELIXI took a collection at therestaurant. The whole staffhas contributed.

(more)

CONTINUED


39 CONTINUED: 39

FELIX (Cont'd)In a proper ratio, of course. You can't expect a bus boy to...

FRITZI have...

ZOLTANNo. You cannot.

FELIXI told you to be quiet.

(to Fritz)You cannot.

FRITZIf that's how it must be.

They stare down the hall at the office door. Felix checksZoltan's cuffs and tie. Fritz checks Felix. Felix checksFritz. All right. They begin to march, full of trepidation,towards the door.


Felix is in the red chair, Zoltan in one of the yellow ones,and Fritz stands. Archie and Wolfe are at their desks.

FELIXFor the maitre d'hotel and oneof our chefs to assist at adinner where a guest is servedpoison, that is not pleasant. A few of our most desirablepatrons make jokes, but most donot, and some of them do notcome.

WOLFEConfound it, Felix. I haveavowed my responsibility. Areyou here for the gloomy pleasureof reproaching me?

FELIXNo, sir. Of course not.

ZOLTANOf course not.

FELIXWe wish to engage yourprofessional services.

(more)

CONTINUED


40 CONTINUED: 40

FELIX (Cont'd)We know it wouldn't be properto pay you from restaurant funds,since you are the trustee, sowe'll pay you with our own money. We appeal to you.

Zoltan stretches out a hand, arm's length.

ZOLTANWe appeal to you.

WOLFEPfui.

ZOLTANHe said "pfui".

FELIXI heard him. I have ears.

FRITZI wished to be present so Icould add my appeal to theirs. I offered to contribute, butthey said no.

WOLFEGentlemen. I said "pfui" notin disgust but astonishment. Iam solely to blame for thismess, and you offer to pay meto clean it up. Preposterous. You should know that I havealready bestirred myself. Archie?

ARCHIEYes, sir. At least you havebestirred me.

WOLFEYour coming is opportune. Beforelunch I concluded that the onlyway to manage the affair is toprovoke the wretch into betrayingherself. I have conceived aplan for which I need yourcooperation, Zoltan. Will yougive it? I appeal to you.

ZOLTANBut yes! But how?

CONTINUED



WOLFEThe plan requires that youtelephone five of those womenthis afternoon. You will beginwith Helen Iacono and ask herto meet you at Rusterman's. You will say that you saw herreturn for a second plate, butthat --

ZOLTANBut I didn't. I told --

FELIXTais-tois!

WOLFE-- because you...desire her,you do not wish to go to thepolice. The only requisite isthat she must be convinced thatif she refuses to meet you, youwill go at once to the police.

ZOLTANThen if she agrees, she isguilty?

WOLFENo. An innocent one may agree for several reasons, dependingon her temper. Let us rehearse.

{A&E: END ACT THREE}

AND WE SMASH CUT TO:

41 41INT. BROWNSTONE - WOLFE'S OFFICE/KITCHEN - LATER

Zoltan is on the phone at Archie's desk. Archie is listeningin the KITCHEN.

ZOLTAN(into phone:)

--I have stayed silent untilnow because I couldn't believeanyone as beautiful and charmingas you could be guilty of sucha crime.

ARCHIEHow can you be so cruel?

CONTINUED


41 CONTINUED: 41

ZOLTANBut now that the notoriety ishurting the restaurant, I haveto reveal what I saw. Of course,if we were to become friends,that would change everything.

ARCHIEOh, Zoltan.

We PULL BACK to REVEAL Wolfe on the extension at his desk. He hangs up.

WOLFEExemplary.

ZOLTANIs that good?

Archie entering from the kitchen, chimes in.

ARCHIEGood? I've never rated abovesatisfactory. Are you readyfor a real woman on the line?

Zoltan hesitates.

ZOLTANYes. I am ready to face them.

And on Archie, pivoting on his heels to return to the kitchen,we DISSOLVE TO:


As Zoltan speaks nervously into the phone. Archie listensat Wolfe's desk and takes notes.

ARCHIE (V.O.)Wolfe went up to the plant roomsand Zoltan began by callingHelen while I listened in onthe extension.

ZOLTAN(into phone:)

--of course, if we were to becomefriends, that would changeeverything. I could never betrayan intimate --

(then:)She hung up.

CONTINUED


42 CONTINUED: 42

Archie scratches a name off a list.

ARCHIENext up -- Lucy Morgan.

And as a flustered Zoltan starts to dial...In a series ofwipes we see Zoltan importune the women.

ARCHIE(V.O.)We offered the girls differentappointment times, just in caseone of the innocent ones decidedto meet Zoltan. We also toldCramer about the scheme, whichwas a good thing, because whenHelen Iacono hung up on us, sheimmediately called the districtattorney.

WIPE TO:

ARCHIE (V.O.)Lucy Morgan coaxed him along,butit was hard to tell why...

ZOLTANBut I did see you. It breaks myheart because I cannot pretendany longer it didn't happen...

LUCY (V.O.)Isn't there anything I can do?

ZOLTANMy feelings for you are so greatthat I...

LUCY (V.O.)Keep talking, handsome.

Zoltan smiles. Archie shakes his head at him.

WIPE TO:

ARCHIE (V.O.)Nora Jaret was equally charming.

ZOLTANI saw you take the secondplate...

CONTINUED



NORA (V.O.)You are a liar and four flushingham handed swine who can't thinkabout a girl without undressingher in his mind.

ZOLTANNo, I....

NORA (V.O.)I know why you had me tastethat sauce, because you wantedto get me to go to the lastditch!

She hangs up.

ZOLTANShe did not say she wouldn'tcome.

WIPE TO:

Zoltan is cooing into the phone.

ZOLTANMy petit fleur, my sweet redhead,I watched you all evening. Iknow you had good reason tocome back for the second plate. If you could just explain it tome...

PEGGY (O.S.)All right, all right. I'll bethere. 10:30.

She hangs up. Zoltan and Archie look at each other. That'sone.

WIPE TO:

Zoltan is on the phone with Carol Annis.

ZOLTANI do not want money, I will notbetray you for mere dollars. Ionly want you to be with me. As a man is with woman. I havedreamed of you since that night. Always sweet, always sad.

CAROL (V.O.)Where can I meet you?

CONTINUED



Zoltan and Archie exchange looks. That's two.

43 43INT. RUSTERMAN'S RESTAURANT - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Archie sits with Cramer at a small table in the corner. There's a metal case between them, with cords extending tothe earphones both men wear, and down into the wall. Wolfe,Stebbins, Fritz and Felix are also there. Cramer glances atthe clock on the wall. It's nearly eleven.

CRAMERPeggy Choate isn't coming.

ARCHIEWe have to hang on. You nevercan tell with a redhead.

Cramer glares at him, then draws a line in his notebook. Archie slides the book away from him and glances at it. Alist of names and times: Helen Iacono 9:30 pm. Peggy Choate10:15 pm. Carol Annis 11:00 pm. Lucy Morgan 11:45 pm. NoraJaret 12:30 am. Helen and Peggy have been crossed out. Archie slides the notebook back to Cramer.

ARCHIEIf I had to write it down, Iwould have made do with one"pm," but policemen are trainedto do things right.

CRAMERCan it.

WOLFEPreposterous!

CRAMERWho? Me or Goodwin?

Archie looks over to see Wolfe standing over a cutting board,staring down angrily. Fritz and Felix hover anxiously.

WOLFEThey have the temerity to sellthis horse fodder as watercress?

FELIXWhy is it so bitter.

FRITZIt was harvested after the flowerbuds appeared. See they arepinched off - here and here.

(more)

CONTINUED


43 CONTINUED: 43

FRITZ (Cont'd)If you wait, the leaves becometoo rank to be edible.

FELIXThe supplier should be banned.

WOLFEHe should be horsewhipped.

CLOCK WIPE TO:


44 44INT. RUSTERMAN'S RESTAURANT - KITCHEN - LATER

Now the clock reads 10:58.

ARCHIEShall I do a countdown?

STEBBINSYou'd clown in the hot seat.

That's when a SOUND comes from the EARPHONES. Wolfe seesArchie and Cramer react.

CRAMERShe's here.

INTERCUT WITH:

45 45INT. RUSTERMAN'S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Carol Annis enters the restaurant. Zoltan stands up and she walks over to his table. She's wearing a veil.

ARCHIE (V.O.)So it was Carol Annis with thecorn silk hair. But there wasstill no salt on her tail yet. She could claim she thought shewas being framed and came toget goods on Zoltan. It was upto him to get the goods on her.

ZOLTANGood evening.

She sits, ignoring the LARGE FLOWER ARRANGEMENT on the table.

ZOLTANWill you have a drink?

CAROLI don't want anything.

ZOLTANIt is more friendly if we eat. The spaghetti with anchovy sauceis excellent. I had some.

CAROLYou've already eaten?

Archie bites his lip, waiting to see if Zoltan can recover.

CONTINUED


45 CONTINUED: 45

ZOLTANBut I only taste. Come. Eat.

CAROLAll right.

Zoltan snaps his fingers and a WAITER scurries over.

ZOLTANHans, two spaghettis anchovyfor us.

45A 45AINT. RUSTERMAN'S RESTAURANT - KITCHEN - NIGHT

The waiter rushes into the kitchen, where Felix places twoorders of SPAGHETTI on a tray, then adds a dish of FRESHLY-GRATED PARMESAN.

CRAMERHow is he going to trap herinto admitting she's a killer?

ARCHIEHe'll find a way.

Cramer is skeptical, to say the least.

CRAMERHe's a cook. He's not you,Goodwin.

Hans heads back to the dining room, but before he reachesthe door, Wolfe grabs the Parmesan off the tray. Felix shrugsand motions to the waiter to go.

45B 45BINT. RUSTERMAN'S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

ZOLTANYou are more lovely with a veil,but the veil is good too. Itmakes me want to see behind it. Of course, I...

CAROLYou have seen behind it, Mr.Mahany.

ZOLTANAh. You know my name.

CAROLIt was in the paper.

CONTINUED


45B CONTINUED: 45B

ZOLTANI am not sorry that you knowit. I want you to know my name,but it will be nicer if youcall me Zoltan.

CAROLI might some day. It willdepend. I certainly won't callyou Zoltan if you go on thinkingwhat you said on the phone.

The waiter delivers the spaghettis. They fall dumb. Thenwhen he's gone

CAROL (Cont'd)You're mistaken, Mr. Mahany. You didn't see me go back foranother plate, because I didn't. I can't believe you would tella vicious lie about me likethat, so I just think you'remistaken.

ZOLTANI am not mistaken, my dear. That is useless, I know. Howcould I be mistaken, when thefirst moment I saw you I felt,but I will not try to tell youhow I felt. If any of the othershad come and taken another plate,I would have stopped her, butbefore you I was dumb.

CAROLI see. So you're sure.

ZOLTANI am, my dear. Very sure.

CAROLBut you haven't told the police? Or Nero Wolfe or Archie Goodwin?

ZOLTANI have told no one. How couldI? It's terrible for me to say you killed a man. If you weren'twearing that veil, I would lookinto your beautiful eyes and Iknow I would see suffering andsorrow.


45C 45CINT. RUSTERMAN'S RESTAURANT - KITCHEN - NIGHT

CRAMERHe's overdoing it.

ARCHIEHe's perfect. You ought totake notes.

45D 45DINT. RUSTERMAN'S RESTAURANT - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Carol doesn't even look up as the waiter puts the food onthe table.

CAROLThat's why I'm wearing the veil,Mr. Zoltan, because I know it'sin my eyes.

ZOLTANHe made you suffer.

CAROLHe ruined my life.

He covers her hands with his.

ZOLTANNo, my dear, your life is notruined. No matter what he did.

CAROL(withdrawing her hands)

I didn't think I'd ever let aman touch me again. But theway you...I'm glad you know Ikilled him because it will bebetter now that somebody knows. I had to kill him, had to, or Iwould have had to kill myself.

Archie nods. They've got her. But:

ZOLTANWait! Don't eat that! Thecheese, where is the...

(then:)Forgive me. The spaghetti withanchovy sauce is not servedwithout cheese. This is anoutrage. Unforgiveable. Wait. When I return, we can talk aboutour future.

CONTINUED


45D CONTINUED: 45D

Zoltan gets up and goes into the kitchen. Carol looks aroundto make sure no one's watching, then slips a CONE OF PAPERout of her dress and sprinkles the contents on Zoltan's plate. A hand reaches out and stops her.

CRAMERI'll take that.

Carol looks up to find Zoltan has returned... with Wolfe,Archie, Cramer, Fritz, Felix and Stebbins in tow. Cramer takes the paper spill out of her hand. Wolfe takes the stage.

CAROLYou tricked me.

WOLFEAnd you injured and humiliatedFritz Brenner, one of my mostvalued friends.

CAROLYou lie.

WOLFEAnd I wished him to witnessyour humiliation, contrived byme, in my presence.

CRAMERThat's enough of that.

WOLFEI admit the puerility of thereason.

CAROLThen you're no better than Pyle.

WOLFEYou may have been intolerablyprovoked by Mr. Pyle, but notby Zoltan. He presented himselfnot as a nemesis or a leech,but as a bewitched and befuddledchampion. He offered you hishomage and your counter offerwas death.

CAROLYou lie. And he lied. He saidhe saw me, but he didn't. Hecouldn't. He threatened me.

CONTINUED


45D CONTINUED: (2) 45D

WOLFEThen you haven't been told.

(he reveals the microphonein the flowers)

Your conversation was overheard.

CAROLYou lie.

WOLFEThis isn't the trap. It hasalready been sprung and you arecaught in it. My rancor isappeased. Of course, I wouldprefer...

CRAMERThat's enough. I didn't agreeto let you preach at her allnight. Bring her along,Sergeant.

They close on Carol.

FRITZMay I say something.

They look at him. Cramer nods.

FRITZMr. Wolfe said you injured me,and that is true. It is alsotrue I wanted him to find you. I can't speak for Felix and youtried to kill Zoltan and I can'tspeak for him, but I can speakfor myself. I forgive you.

CAROLYou lie.

So much for pathos. Stebbins leads her out. Wolfe and Archieshare a look and then follow.

46 46INT. BROWNSTONE - ENTRY HALL - NIGHT

The boys return home. They silently remove their outerwear. Fritz heads for the kitchen. Wolfe looks after him andfollows.

47 47INT. BROWNSTONE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Fritz stares at his kitchen. Wolfe comes into the kitchen. He goes to the cupboard and gets out a glass.

CONTINUED


47 CONTINUED: 47

He gets out a napkin. Fritz stirs. What is going on? Wolfepicks a bottle of red wine, which has a cork already pulledperched on the top. He takes the wine and pours a glass. Hesets it down in front of Fritz with grace. Fritz starts toget up. On Wolfe's glare he sits down. He goes to gethimself some beer while Fritz blinks at his wine. Wolfecomes and sits.

WOLFEThe sturgeon you bought yesterdayis good. I have a taste for itFume a la Muscovite.

(Fritz does not reply)But I am tired of bay leaf.

(Fritz does not react)What would you say to juniperberries.

FRITZIn sturgeon?

WOLFEFive. No six.

FRITZYou are mad.

WOLFEToo sweet?

FRITZWe could just pour maple syrupall over it.

WOLFEThere is no way to balance thesweetness.

FRITZLet me think.

Wolfe pours his beer. Fritz drinks his wine. They continuediscussing as we....

FADE OUT

{A&E: END HOUR}


48 48INT. BROWNSTONE - WOLFE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Archie is doing the book-keeping. Wolfe enters.

WOLFENot yet?

ARCHIENo. Sorry.

Wolfe paces anxiously, staring up at the clock, then lookingaway, scowling.

WOLFETime?

ARCHIEYou just glared at the clock.

WOLFEWhat is the time?

Archie sighs, glances at his watch.

ARCHIESix twenty-nine.

WOLFEOne minute.

He resumes his pacing. The clock lets out a small CHIME,indicating it's half past the hour.

ARCHIEOf course, I could be a coupleseconds slow.

Wolfe stops pacing. He storms from the room.

49 49INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Fritz prepares the rest of dinner.

WOLFEIt's late. Too late. It willbe five hours picked when wecook it.

FRITZMais, il y a rien a faire.

Wolfe waves him away, his despair beyond words. Fritzproffers two EGGPLANTS.

CONTINUED

IN BAD TASTE 12-6-01 PINK 66A.

49 CONTINUED: 49

FRITZI will stuff them.

CONTINUED



Wolfe gazes at him dolefully.

50 50INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Wolfe guides a forkful of stuffed eggplant to his lips. Itis, of course, good. It is not the same.

ARCHIE (V.O.)Normally Nero Wolfe comes theclosest to being human at dinner. The conversation can be anythingfrom women's shoes to theimportance of the new moon inBabylonian astrology. Buttonight there was only silence. The summer corn had not come.

Fritz sighs and leaves the room.

51 51INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

Fritz brings coffee. Archie sits at his desk. Wolfe twirlsthe globe. The DOORBELL RINGS. Archie gets up. Wolfegrowls.

WOLFESend it back.


Archie opens the door and is surprised to see Inspector Cramercarrying a carton. It's clearly marked: NERO WOLFE in bluepencil and is full of corn.

ARCHIEI'm sorry. We take deliveriesin the rear.

Cramer tramps past him, down the hall to the office.

53 53INT. BROWNSTONE - OFFICE - NIGHT

Cramer drops the box on Wolfe's desk.

CRAMERIf you were going to have thisfor dinner, I guess it's toolate.

WOLFEWhere did you get it?

CONTINUED


53 CONTINUED: 53

CRAMEROutside the service entrance atRusterman's restaurant. Insidewe found the body of a deadman.

54 54INT. STAIRS DELIVERY ENTRANCE (RUSTERMANS) - DAY (FLASHBACK)

A DEAD BODY lies on the stairs, an IRON PIPE next to thevictim's head. Corn is everywhere.

CRAMER (V.O.)Kenneth Faber, 28-years-old. His driver's license and eighty-some dollars in cash were stillin his wallet. He had been hitin the back of the head with apiece of iron pipe.

A POLICE PHOTOGRAPHER FLASHES the body, then turns to thesplattered carton of CORN.

CRAMER (V.O.)The station wagon he had comein was still parked outside andin the station wagon were ninecartons of corn, including yours.

55 55INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

Cramer takes out a knife, and cuts the cord, opens the flap,takes out an ear of corn, and holds it up.

CRAMERHe'd been delivering corn atthe restaurant the past fiveweeks and then coming here withyours, right?

WOLFEI don't know.

CRAMERThe hell you don't. Don't startwith me, Wolfe...

Cramer drops the ear of corn on the desk. Wolfe reaches forit.

ARCHIE(cutting in:)

Hold it, stay in the buggy.(more)

CONTINUED


55 CONTINUED: 55

ARCHIE (Cont'd)As you know, Mr. Wolfe is up inthe plant rooms from four tosix every day except Sunday. The corn usually comes beforesix, and either Fritz or Ireceive it; so Mr. Wolfe doesn'tknow Kenneth Faber, but I do.

Wolfe feels the ear, grips it from the middle, and then startsshucking it. Wolfe frowns at it.

WOLFEI thought so.

Wolfe puts it down, reaches for the carton.

WOLFEYou will help, Archie.

WIPE TO:

56 56INT. BROWNSTONE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

There are now THREE PILES of corn on the table in the kitchen. Two ears are too young, six are too old, and eight are justright. Fritz is appalled. Wolfe shakes his head. Crameris about to blow.

WOLFEThis is preposterous.

CRAMERStop stalling.

WOLFENo. Shall I expound it?

CRAMERIf you can.

WOLFESince you have questioned menat the restaurant, you knowthat the corn comes from a mannamed Duncan McLeod, who growsit on a farm north of here. Hehas been supplying it for fouryears, and he knows preciselywhat I require. It must benearly mature--

FRITZBut not quite.

CONTINUED


56 CONTINUED: 56

WOLFEAnd it must be picked not morethan three hours before itreaches me. Do you eat sweetcorn?

CRAMERYes. Stop stalling.

WOLFENo. Who cooks it?

CRAMERMy wife. I haven't got a Fritz.

WOLFEDoes she cook it in water?

CRAMERIs yours cooked in beer?

WOLFEMillions of American women, andsome men, commit that outrageevery summer day. They areturning a superb treat intomere provender.

CRAMERIs that so.

WOLFEShucked and boiled in water,sweet corn is edible andnutritious; roasted in the huskin the hottest possible ovenfor forty minutes, shucked atthe table, and buttered andsalted, nothing else, it isambrosia. No chef's ingenuityand imagination ever created afiner dish. American womenshould themselves be boiled inwater--

CRAMERMaybe you have all night, Wolfebut...

WOLFEMy point is that Mr. McLeodknows what I require and heknows how to choose it withoutopening the husk.

(more)

CONTINUED



WOLFE (Cont'd)He is supposed to be equallymeticulous with the supply forthe restaurant, but I doubt ifhe is.

(to Fritz)Dispose of this garbage.

He leaves.

CRAMERBalls.

Cramer and Archie follows Wolfe out. Fritz looks at thepile of good corn, debating.

57 57INT. BROWNSTONE - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Cramer is about to go into the office and then turns toArchie. Wolfe is sitting at his desk and can see them.

CRAMERWait a minute, Goodwin. Wherewere you at 5:15 this afternoon?

ARCHIEBall game with Saul Panzer.

CRAMERWhat happened in the ninthinning?

(waves him off:)To hell with it. You'd knowall right, you'd see to that. And you're the only one Panzerwould lie for.


Cramer plops down in the red leather chair.

ARCHIENot that I'm interested, butwhy do you care?

CRAMERThere was a notebook in Faber'spocket. One page had the namesof four men written in pencil. Max Maslow, Peter Jay, CarlHeydt and Archie Goodwin. Thefirst three names has checkmarksin front of them. The lastone, Archie Goodwin, did not.

(more)

CONTINUED


58 CONTINUED: 58

CRAMER (Cont'd)Will that do?

ARCHIEHeydt designs clothes for women. I don't know Maslow or Jay.

CRAMERHow long have you been intimatewith the farmer's daughter -Susan McLeod?

Archie is now thoroughly confused.

ARCHIEThere are several definitionsfor intimate. Which one?

CRAMERYou know damn well which one.

ARCHIEIf you mean the worst, or thevery best, depending on how youlook at it, nothing doing. She's a model and has points. But she's a lousy dancer.

CRAMERWhen did you find out thatKenneth Faber had shoved youout and taken Sue over?

ARCHIENuts.

(turns to Wolfe:)Your honor, I object to thequestion on the grounds that itis insulting, impertinent anddigusticulous. It assumes notonly that I am shovable, butalso that I can be shoved outof a place I have never been.

WOLFEObjection sustained. You willre-phrase the question, Mr.Cramer.

CRAMERThe hell I will. You got herher first modeling job. Youhelped her find an apartmentnot six blocks from here.

(more)

CONTINUED



CRAMER (Cont'd)What passed between you andFaber when he was here a weekago today?

ARCHIEThe corn. It passed from himto me.

CRAMEROkay. You got one minute toget a toothbrush.

Cramer gets up. So does Archie.

ARCHIENow listen, I can throw slidersin a pinch and do, but this isno pinch. It's close to bedtime.

CRAMERThe minute's up.

ARCHIENo. You have to make it good.

CRAMERFine. You're under arrest as amaterial witness. Move!

Cramer leads him out to:


Cramer lets Archie get his jacket. Wolfe follows them intothe hall, still carrying the corn.

ARCHIEIf you want me back tomorrow,you might give Mr. Parker aring.

WOLFEI shall. Mr. Cramer. Knowingyour considerable talents as Ido, I am sometimes dumbfoundedby your fatuity. You were sobent on baiting Mr. Goodwinthat you completely ignored thepoint I was at pains to make.

Wolfe waves the ear of corn at him.

CONTINUED


59 CONTINUED: 59

WOLFEWho picked the corn?

CRAMERThat's your point. Mine is whokilled Kenneth Faber. Move,Goodwin.

And out the door they go.

WOLFEPfui!

And on Wolfe's frustration, we:

60 60INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

Archie stares down at a thoroughly unappetizing plate ofbacon and eggs -- essentially congealed grease in a varietyof decorator colors. PURLEY STEBBINS grins at him, gesturesfor him to eat.

ARCHIE (V.O.)Cramer took me to his place, where we made a night of it.

STEBBINSWhatsa matter, Goodwin? Notgourmet enough for you?

ARCHIEEdible would have been enough.

Archie looks up as NATHANIEL PARKER comes in.

STEBBINSLooks like you're a free man.

He leaves. Parker closes the door.

PARKERArchie. Bail is set at twentythousand dollars.

ARCHIEQuite a compliment.

PARKERThey argued for 50. Theyactually think you may havekilled that man. A crime ofpassion inspired by that woman.

CONTINUED


60 CONTINUED: 60

ARCHIEWell, from what I gathered fromtheir questions, Susan made astatement. But they wouldn'tlet me see it.

PARKERI told the judge that that amountis justified only if they hadenough evidence to charge youwith murder. He agreed with me -and then let it stand.

ARCHIEBut they don't. They can't.

PARKERAs your counsel, I must adviseyou: prepared to be charged atany moment.

Parker opens the door and leads Archie into:

61 61INT. POLICE STATION - BULLPEN - DAY

PARKERAnd one more thing. Mr. Wolfetold me to send the bill toyou, not him.

ARCHIEThe bond for 20 thousand is notpeanuts, but I can't expect topass the buck.

PARKERHe said this is your affair,not his. He is not concerned.

ARCHIEHe's never even seen Faber orSusan.

That's when Archie spots DUNCAN MACLEOD, a hick dressed fortown, coming down the hall.

ARCHIEGood morning, Mr. McLeod.

MCLEODIt's not a good morning, it's abad one, a day lost and no oneto leave to see to things. Ihaven't done the milking.

CONTINUED


61 CONTINUED: 61

And he's goes down the hall.

ARCHIEMr. Wolfe wants to know whopicked the corn.

No answer.

{A&E: END ACT ONE}


Archie opens the door, but the chain bolt is on. Archiepushes the buzzer. Fritz opens the door for him.

FRITZArchie, you look terrible.

Archie sits.

ARCHIEExcuse my manners, Fritz. I'vehad a night.

(Fritz hovers)Is something stirring?

FRITZA woman to see you. Miss SusanMcLeod. She's in the office.

ARCHIEHas he talked with her?

FRITZNo. He would not.

Archie heads for the kitchen.

63 63INT. BROWNSTONE - KITCHEN - DAY

Wolfe is at the center table with a glass of beer in hishand, as Archie enters.

WOLFEHave you eaten?

Archie gets a glass from the cupboard, goes to therefrigerator, gets some milk, and takes a sip as:

CONTINUED


63 CONTINUED: 63

ARCHIEIf you could see the bacon andeggs they brought in for me andI paid two bucks for, let alonetaste it, you'd never be thesame. They think I killed Faber. For your information, I didn't.

WOLFEHave you slept?

ARCHIENo.

(pouring himself more milk)I understand I have a caller. May I take her to the frontroom? I'm not intimate enoughwith her to take her up to myroom.

WOLFEConfound it.

ARCHIEAs you told Parker, this is myaffair.

WOLFEHow much of what you told Mr.Cramer is flummery?

ARCHIENone. All straight. But he'son me and so is the DA and I'vegot to find out why.

WOLFEYou will see Miss McLeod in theoffice.

ARCHIEThe front room will do. It maybe an hour. Two hours. Youwould be away from your chair.

WOLFEYou may need the telephone. The office.

ARCHIE (V.O.)If I hadn't been pooped I wouldhave given that offer a littleattention.

CONTINUED



Archie takes another sip and we WIPE TO:


As Archie enters, still holding his half-empty glass of milk,Susan McLeod goes to him, tilting her head up to him, grippinghis arms. Archie has no choice but to kiss her - a longkiss.

ARCHIE (V.O.)If it hadn't been for the milkI would have used my arms forone of their basic functions. It wouldn't have been politefor me to quit, so I left it toher.

She steps back.

SUSAN(sits down:)

Archie, I don't know what you'regoing to do to me.

Archie crosses to his desk, sips his milk, and sits down.

ARCHIENeither do I.

SUSANIt just came out. You rememberyou explained it for me onenight about my just saying thingsand not having a checkingstation.

ARCHIEI said with ordinary people,when words start on their wayout they have to go through achecking station for an okay. You seem to have a looseconnection, as it often getsbypassed.

SUSANI'm just plain dumb. It justcame out about my going to meetyou there yesterday.

ARCHIEMeet me where?

CONTINUED


64 CONTINUED: 64

SUSANAt the delivery entrance atRusterman's.

65 65INT. STAIRS DELIVERY ENTRANCE (RUSTERMAN'S)- DAY (FLASHBACK)

Susan, checking her watch, enters the stairwell, out of breathfrom running.

SUSAN (V.O.)I said I was going to meet youthere at five o'clock and wewere going to have a talk withKenny. But I was late, I didn'tget there until a quarter pastfive, and you weren't there, soI left.

Susan doesn't leave. She stops cold, staring at somethingon the stairs.


ARCHIEAnd you said that to...?

SUSANSeveral people.

ARCHIEDetectives, cops...

SUSANUhuh. And it was in thestatement they had me sign.

ARCHIEIt's just possible that you aredumb. Didn't you realize theywould come to me?

SUSANWell, of course. And you woulddeny it, and you could probablyprove you were some where else,so it wouldn't matter.

ARCHIEOkay, you're not dumb. But ifgot there at a quarter pastfive, you did see Kenny. Didn'tyou?

In a whisper.

CONTINUED


66 CONTINUED: 66

SUSANYes.

67 67INT. STAIRS DELIVERY ENTRANCE (RUSTERMAN'S)- DAY (FLASHBACK)

Susan steps forward and sees Faber's dead body on the stairs.

SUSAN (V.O.)I ran away. I didn't stop tothink until I was several blocksaway how dumb that was.


ARCHIEWhy was it dumb?

SUSANI couldn't say I hadn't beenthere, because Felix and thedoorman saw me arrive.

ARCHIEWhat was it we wanted to talkto him about?

SUSANWe were going to talk to himabout what he told you, that Ithought I was pregnant and hewas responsible.

Archie goggles at her.

ARCHIEHe told me that? When?

SUSANYou know when. Last Tuesdaywhen he brought the corn.

ARCHIEKen Faber told you that he hadtold me that you thought youwere pregnant and he wasresponsible.

SUSANHe told me he told Carl, too --you know, Carl Heydt. And PeterJay and Max Maslow, too. Thatwas when I told him I wouldlike to kill him.

CONTINUED


68 CONTINUED: 68

ARCHIEAnd that's what you told the copswe wanted to talk to him about?

SUSANYes.

ARCHIEFor a frame, it's close toperfect, but I'm willing todoubt if you meant it.

SUSANDon't you see? It's my wordagainst yours. They told melast night you denied that wearranged to meet there.

ARCHIEBecause we didn't.

SUSANI thought you might change that. The way it is now, they thinkeither I'm lying or you're lying.

ARCHIEI haven't got an alibi. Notone that works.

SUSANBut if you tell them that youagreed to meet me but changedyour mind because...

ARCHIEShut up!

She gawks at him, then all of a sudden she breaks into tears,dropping her head and covering her face with her hands. Archie gets up, goes over to Wolfe's desk, gets the vase oforchids, removes the flowers, and goes back to her... gentlylifts her head up by the chin, and... DUMPS THE WATER OVERHER HEAD. And on her SQUEAL, we

WIPE TO:

69 69INT. BROWNSTONE - BATHROOM/DINING ROOM - LATER

Susan is drying her face with a towel. Archie watches her.

SUSANYou didn't have to do that.

CONTINUED


69 CONTINUED: 69

ARCHIEThe hell I didn't. Whether youmeant to or not, I am out on avery rickety limb.

SUSANBut Archie, you--

ARCHIEDid you kill Ken?

SUSANArchie. No!

ARCHIEThen I either wriggle off byselling the cops on you, whichis not my style, or I do a jobthat is my style. First I seeMr. Wolfe and tell him I'm takinga leave of absence, I hope ashort one, and then you starttelling me...

Wolfe comes into the dining room.

WOLFE(to Archie:)

"A job that is your style?"

ARCHIEI should have known.

(to Susan)He was at the peephole.

Wolfe's been on his feet too long and sits on the closestchair.

WOLFEMiss McLeod, I eavesdropped onyour conversation in the office,without Mr. Goodwin's knowledge. Do you wish to complain?

SUSANWhy?

WOLFEWhy did I listen?

WOLFE (Cont'd)To learn how much of a pickleMr Goodwin was in. And Ilearned.

(more)

CONTINUED



WOLFE (Cont'd)I have intruded because thesituation is intolerable. Youare either a poisonous cockatriceor a witling and you have broughtMr. Goodwin to a desperate pass. That is--

ARCHIE(breaking in:)

You said it's my affair.

WOLFE(ignoring him:)

It was your affair until itthreatened me.

(to Susan)I can't function properly, letalone comfortably, without ArchieGoodwin. I depend on him andthanks to you, he is in gravejeopardy.

(to Archie:)Archie. This will now be ourjoint affair. By your leave.

ARCHIERetroactive? Parker and mybail?

WOLFEVery well. Intimate or not,you have known Miss McLeod forthree years. Did she kill thatman?

ARCHIEYes and no.

WOLFEThat doesn't help.

ARCHIEYes. Chiefly because she camehere to ask me to change mystory and back hers up.

SUSANI didn't kill him.

ARCHIEThe 'no,' is less direct.

(more)

CONTINUED



ARCHIE (Cont'd)When a man gets a girl pregnant,her normal reaction is to makehim marry her, not kill him. What she wants most is a fatherfor the baby, and a dead one isno good.

SUSANThat's silly. I'm not pregnant. There's only one way a girl canget pregnant and it couldn'thave been that with me becauseit's never happened.

Wolfe looks at Archie.

WOLFEArchie?

ARCHIEUh. I believe her.

WOLFELet us return to the office.

As they go down the hall...

ARCHIE (V.O.)It's possible every man alive has a feeling down below thatan unmarried girl who knows shecan't be pregnant is less likelyto commit murder than one whocan't be sure.

WIPE TO:

70 70OMITTED

71 71INT. BROWNSTONE - WOLFE'S OFFICE - MONTAGE

ARCHIE (V.O.)But that didn't stop Wolfe fromquestioning her as if she was.

Various shots, alternating between: Archie filling page afterpage of his notebook... Wolfe pouring, and finishing, severalglasses of beer...Susan talking... and talking... and talking.

CONTINUED


71 CONTINUED: 71

ARCHIE (V.O.)On the other hand, it was hardto believe that a girl with somuch born come-on wasn't usingit. She'd dated 30 men sincewe last went dancing and 10 hadasked her to marry them.

SUSANWell, I had narrowed it down toMaslow and Heydt when I met KenFaber at a party at Peter Jay's. Kenny was really fast and sodetermined that I told him Imight marry him when I gave upmodeling provided he couldsupport a family.

72 72INT. BARN (FLASHBACK) - DAY

Susan comes into the barn, looking for a bridle. Ken iswaiting for her and surprises her.

SUSAN (V.O.)He asked me to get him a job onmy father's farm. I spend every weekend in the summer outthere and on the first weekendit was easy to see he thoughtthings would be different thanin town.

Faber puts his hands on Susan. All over Susan. She shovesFaber away.


SUSANHe accused me of letting othermen do to me what I wouldn'tlet him do. Then he told me hetold you and Carl and Peter andJay that I was pregnant by himand that if I denied it, no onewould believe me, and the onlything to do was get marriedright away.

WOLFE(to Susan:)

You know these men quite well.(more)

CONTINUED


73 CONTINUED: 73

WOLFE (Cont'd)If one of them, enraged beyondendurance by Mr. Faber's conduct,went there and killed him, whichone?

SUSANThey didn't.

WOLFENot 'they,' one of them. Which?

SUSANNone of them.

Wolfe wriggles a finger at her.

WOLFEThat's twaddle, Miss McLeod. You may be shocked that someoneclose to you committed murder,but you may not reject it. Imust see those three men. Willyou get them here this evening?

SUSANNo. I won't.

WOLFEMiss McLeod, I do not accusethem but my only possible pathto the murderer is the motiveand one of those men - orpossibly your father - may startme on it.

SUSANYou can't...you said identifyhim. How can you?

WOLFEPerhaps I can't. But I musttry. By your foolish subterfuge,there is only one way to satisfythe police that neither you norMr. Goodwin killed that man:demonstrate that someone elsedid.

SUSANOh. Oh. All right.

Archie takes Susan to the door of the office.

CONTINUED



ARCHIE (V.O.)Susan went home and Wolfe wentto his orchids. I went to eat. I tried to tell my brain to layoff until it caught up, but itkept buzzing around trying tofind a place to land.

WIPE TO:


Archie is reading the paper and finishing a breakfast ofcorn fritters.

ARCHIE (V.O.)It finally shut up when I startedin on Fritz's corn fritters,made from the unacceptable earsof corn. My next big plan wasbed, but fate had other plans.

We hear the DOORBELL RING, Archie rises and we CUT TO:


Wolfe glares up as Archie sticks his head in the door.

ARCHIEDuncan McLeod.

Wolfe GROWLS. Archie steps aside to let in McLeod, whomarches in to the room.

WOLFEGood afternoon, sir.

Wolfe motions to the red leather chair.

MCLEODNo need to sit. I've come toapologize. I didn't pick thecorn; Kenneth Faber did.

WOLFEWasn't that heedless? You knowwhat I require.

MCLEODI showed him how and thought heunderstood.

(more)

CONTINUED


75 CONTINUED: 75

MCLEOD (Cont'd)A man was coming with a bulldozerto work on a lot I'm clearing,and he could only come thatday, and I had to dynamite thestumps before he came.

WOLFEIt was vexacious, Mr. McLeod. Sit.

MCLEODNo need to sit.

(to Archie)I just want to know what thatyoung man told you about mydaughter.

WOLFEShe has told you what he said?

(he nods)She has also told Mr. Goodwinand me. She came here thismorning.

Now McLeod sits in the red chair.

MCLEODMy daughter Susan? Came here? What for?

WOLFEYou have it wrong side up. That tone is for us, not you.

MCLEODMy daughter...

WOLFEThe young man you permitted topick my corn has been murdered,and because of false statementsmade by your daughter to thepolice.

MCLEODMy daughter doesn't make falsestatements.

WOLFEAnyone lies when the alternativeis intolerable. I do not believeshe killed that man. Did you?

CONTINUED



MCLEODNo, but I would have if I hadknown what he was saying abouther. He was a bad man. Anevil man.

WOLFEUntil what hour, did you dynamitestumps yesterday?

MCLEODNearly dark. I was late withthe milking. I don't resentyou thinking I mighta killedKenny Faber cause I mighta. I'm an old fashioned man; arighteous man.

WOLFEAnd a righteous man may wink atmurder?

MCLEODI didn't say that. I don'twink at murder, but that don'tmean I have to want whoeverkilled Faber to suffer for it,do I?

WOLFEIf you knew who killed him, youwould not tell me or the police?

MCLEODI would not.

WOLFEThen good afternoon, sir.

MCLEODNo. Not until you tell me whymy daughter came here!

WOLFEConfound it, after sending meinedible corn you presume tomake demands on me? Go!

MCLEODI don't think it's right.

(getting up)I guess then you won't be wantingmore corn from me.

CONTINUED



WOLFEWhy not? From whom else wouldI acquire it? Mr. Goodwin can'tgo scouring the countrysidewith this imbroglio on our hands. I want corn this week. Tomorrow?

MCLEODI might. Yes, I guess so. Therestaurant, too?

WOLFEI'll tell them to expect it.


Archie ushers McLeod out the door, then goes into:


To find Wolfe leaning back, frowning at the ceiling.

WOLFEPfui. Call Felix and tell himto expect a delivery on Friday.

ARCHIEYes, sir. Good. The corn isprovided for. Everything'sjake.

WOLFEThere is good slang and badslang. That's bad slang. Howlong will it take you to type afull report of our conversationwith Miss McLeod, yours andmine, from the beginning?

ARCHIEAltogether, say four hours. Doyou want it to remember me by?

WOLFENo. It may be useful.

ARCHIEUseful how? As your employeeI'm supposed to do what I'mtold, and I often do, but thisis our joint affair.

(more)

CONTINUED


77 CONTINUED: 77

ARCHIE (Cont'd)(on Wolfe's look)

You said so, we're trying tosave you from the calamity oflosing me. Useful how?

WOLFEConfound it. I said it may beuseful. If I decide to use it. Can you suggest something thatmay be more useful?

ARCHIEOffhand, no.

WOLFEThen if choose to you type it,make two carbons.

And as Wolfe returns his gaze to the ceiling:

{A&E: END ACT TWO}


Archie lets the men in and helps them with their coats: CARLHEYDT, PETER JAY and MAX MASLOW.

ARCHIE (V.O.)By five past nine that eveningI had finished my typing andthe three men whose names hadcheckmarks in Kenneth Faber'snotebook were seated in theoffice.


Carl, older, medium and round with quick eyes that keep onthe move, gets seated in the red chair. Peter, the somethingbig in advertising who looks like he has the regulation ulcer,and Max, with a twisted smile and dangling string tie, takethe yellow chairs. Wolfe prepares to speak.

ARCHIE (V.O.)From the looks they were givingeach other they were not friends.

(out loud)Carl Heydt. Peter Jay. MaxMaslow.

The men nod at Wolfe in turn.

CONTINUED


79 CONTINUED: 79

WOLFEI think you gentlemen wouldprefer brevity and so would I. Miss McLeod is not our client;we are acting solely in our owninterest. But as it standsright now, we are satisfiedthat she didn't kill KennethFaber.

MASLOWDamn nice of you. So am I.

JAYYour own interest? What's that?

WOLFEBecause of statements made byMiss McLeod, Mr. Goodwin isunder heavy suspicion, and tolift the suspicion, we mustfind out where it belongs.

JAYSo that's your interest. Toget Goodwin out from under. What's ours?

WOLFEYour names were in Faber'snotebook. You are plainly markedby circumstance.

HEYDTIt's no news that we're targets. We've all seen the police.

MASLOWBut Sue as good as told me theonly reason she hadn't marriedGoodwin was that he hadn't askedher. He's the hero type. Hestarted her on the path of glory. Now you say she's set the policeon him. I don't believe it. The police are on his becausethey have a damn good reason.

WOLFEI must reserve what the policeknow but I would suggest youeliminate yourselves fromconsideration.

(more)

CONTINUED



WOLFE (Cont'd)All of you had an adequatemotive: Mr. Faber had eitherdebased or grossly slanderedthe woman you wanted to marry.

MASLOWWho fed you that? I admit Iwant to marry Miss McLeod, andas far as I know Carl Heydtstill does, but not my pal Pete. He's the pay-as-you-go type. Icouldn't exactly call him aCasanova --

Peter Jay jumps out of his chair, fists raised, glaring downat Maslow.

JAYStand up.

MASLOWAw shut up, Pete. I was just...

JAYStand up or I'll slap you outof the chair.

Archie could stop it if he wanted, but he's curious, andwatches as Maslow gets up, sidestepping. Jay has to turn toaim a fist at Maslow's jaw, and Maslow ducks and lands apunch on Jay's kidneys, then another. Jay crumbles, as Archierushes over to help steer him back to his chair.

WOLFEWill you have a brandy, Mr.Jay? Whisky? Coffee?

Jay shakes his head.

MASLOWI hope you didn't misunderstandme. I wasn't suggesting that Ithink he killed Faber. You allright, Pete?

Jay nods and lets out a belch.

WOLFEVery well. If you will nothelp, we can merely shift thesuspicion to Miss McLeod.

They start talking at once.

CONTINUED



MASLOWAmazing. What do you expect usto do - kick and scream?

HEYDTYou said you were satisfied shedidn't do it.

JAYWhat did he say?

WOLFEI doubt she'd be convicted; thepolice are not blockheads.

JAYWhat did he say?

WOLFEYou have told me nothingwhatever, but I do not believethat you have nothing to tell. Will you talk to me now or later,to the police, when that womanis in custody?

MASLOWYou're bluffing. I call. Comeon guys.

He gets up and goes to the door. The others follow. Archiegoes to the door and makes sure they go out.


HEYDTArchie. He doesn't mean it,does he?

ARCHIEIt's not just a question ofwhat he means; it's a questionof what I mean. Damn it, I'mshort on sleep, and I may soonbe short on life, liberty, andthe pursuit of happiness. Pleasant dreams.

He ushers Heydt out and bolts the door.


Archie comes in and sits at his desk.

CONTINUED


81 CONTINUED: 81

WOLFEDid you finish it?

Archie opens a drawer and hands Wolfe a sheaf of pages. Heleafs through it.

ARCHIE12 pages. Two carbons.

WOLFEYour notebook, please.

Archie gets his notebook and pen ready.

WOLFEThere will be two, one for youand one for me. First mine. Heading in caps, affidavit byNero Wolfe. I hereby deposethat the twelve foregoing pagesare a full and accurate etcetera. Add a space for my signatureand, below, the conventionalformula for notarizing and--

ARCHIEAll right, it wasn't just tokeep me off your neck. But I'm her hero now. And heroesmustn't wiggle. Besides, sheas good as told Maslow she'dmarry me if I asked her and shemakes more than you pay me. Sobefore I sign that affidavit....

(Wolfe growls)I agree. It's a goddamnnuisance. But will you say itis our joint affair to makesure that she doesn't go totrial?

WOLFEI would not say that I can makesure of anything whatever.

ARCHIECorrection, then. That youwill be concerned that shedoesn't go to trial?

Wolfe takes in air through his nose and lets it out throughhis mouth.

CONTINUED



WOLFEVery well. I'll be concerned. Will you bring the notary, MissPinelli, to my room at fiveminutes to nine in the morning?

ARCHIENo. She doesn't get to heroffice until nine-thirty.

WOLFEThen bring her at nine-forty toplant rooms.

Archie is stunned. He studies Wolfe.

ARCHIEYou want me to bring her to theplant rooms.

WOLFEYes.

ARCHIEAt 9:40.

WOLFEArchie, you've had no sleep forforty hours. Go to bed. Youcan type it in the morning.

WIPE TO:

82 82INT. BROWNSTONE - PLANT ROOMS - DAY

Wolfe and Archie sign the documents. MRS. PINELLI stampsthem.

ARCHIE (V.O.)Signing the affidavit didn'tcommit me to anything. Thequestion was - what then? Butit turned out I didn't have tomake up my mind, it justhappened.


Archie opens the door to let Cramer in.

ARCHIEGood morning.

CONTINUED


83 CONTINUED: 83

Cramer comes in and hands Archie a folded paper. Archieunfolds it.

ARCHIEWhat an honor. Anyone can bebanged by a bull or a dick. Ittakes me to be served by aninspector twice in one week.

CRAMER(grabbing it back)

I haven't served you. I justshowed it to you.

He marches down the hall into the office.


Archie comes in as Cramer is lowering himself onto the redchair. He slaps the warrant down on the desk.

CRAMERWhen I was here Tuesday night,you were dumfounded by myfatuity. All you cared aboutwas who picked your corn. Icame myself to see how you feelnow. I know what will happenif I serve this - Goodwin willclam up and a crowbar won't pryhim open. But he'll talk ifyou tell him to.

Wolfe pushes his chair back and rises, going straight forthe safe.

CRAMERWhere're you going?

Archie reaches the safe before Wolfe can open it. When Wolfegets there, it's clear that Archie will have to physicallystop him from taking the affidavit. They stare at each other. Then

WOLFEShe made the soup herself. Youowe her nothing.

Archie considers this and goes back to his desk and sits. Wolfe gets the papers and hands them to Cramer.

WOLFEI suggest that you look at theaffidavits first.

(more)

CONTINUED


84 CONTINUED: 84

WOLFE (Cont'd)The last two sheets.

Cramer does, then turns to the rest of the document.

ARCHIE (V.O.)Lieutenant Rowcliff or SergeantPurley Stebbins would have keptat us for an hour. Cramer didn'task a question, or even lookup.

WIPE TO:

Cramer sticks the affidavit in his inside breast pocket andhe picks up the phone on Archie's desk.

CRAMER(into phone)

Purley? Get Susan McLeod. Goyourself, take a man along. Ifshe balks, wrap her up and carryher.

Cramer gives Wolfe and Archie a long straight hard look,then grabs his hat off the stand and marches out.

85 85INT. STUDIO - FILM STUDIO/MAKE UP AREA - DAY

Susan is getting dooded up for a film shoot when TWO COPSburst in with Purley Stebbins and take Susan into custody.

86 86INT. POLICE STATION - BULLPEN - DAY

Susan is processed by Purley Stebbins, arrested as a materialwitness. She is bewildered and unhappy.


The DOORBELL RINGS. Archie opens the door. Carl Heydt, MaxMaslow, and Peter Jay stand in the doorway.

ARCHIE (V.O.)Of all the times I have feltlike putting vinegar in Wolfe'sbeer, I came closest that day. After throwing Susan to thewolves, he refused to admit heradmirers to the house.

(more)

CONTINUED


87 CONTINUED: 87

ARCHIE (V.O.) (Cont'd)(out loud)

Sorry boys, but he's very busyand can't be disturbed. Do youwant to disturb me instead?

MASLOWYou let us in, we'll handle thedisturbing.

ARCHIEYou were damn fools to think hewas bluffing.

JAYThen he did it?

ARCHIEWe did it. I share the glory.

HEYDTI can't believe you'd do a thinglike this -- to Sue -- when yousaid she didn't --

ARCHIEWe're handling this affairjointly. Of course, if you'vechanged your minds and want tohelp find Faber's killer, Icould spare a few hours.

MASLOWAll right, ask your questions.

He opens the door, they troop in.

ARCHIENo. I've decided on anothertack, because not only did Suelie to the police, she lied tome. She told the police we'darranged to meet at Rusterman'sand have it out with Faber. Wehadn't.

JAYSo you say.

ARCHIEDon't interrupt. She did arrangeto meet someone at five o'clockto have it out with Faber.

(more)

CONTINUED



ARCHIE (Cont'd)But she was late and missed him -She found the body instead.

JAYYeah, yeah, so you say.

ARCHIEShut up. She thought the manshe was going to meet killedFaber, and she couldn't namehim, so she named me.

JAYSo you s...

ARCHIEDon't say that again.

MASLOWLook, pal. Shut up. Go soakyour head. Who's lying - Sueor you?

ARCHIEFair question. Until noon today,the police thought I was. Andthey liked it fine, having meon a hook, they hated to see meflop off, so what we gave themhad to be good.

MASLOWWhat was it?

JAYYeah.

ARCHIENo, I prefer questions now.Like: Who met Sue there? Sayit was one of you, and of course,that is what I'm saying...

JAYWhy you...

ARCHIEShe would ask one of you tohelp, because you're the oneswith the little check marks inhis notebook. The question is -which one would she pick?

(more)

CONTINUED

IN BAD TASTE 11-27-01 WHITE 101


ARCHIE (Cont'd)(Heydt)

What about it, Carl? Was ityou?

HEYDTArchie, I...

ARCHIEJust a plain answer to a plainquestion. Which one would itbe?

HEYDTMaslow. He's tough.

ARCHIEWhat? Not Jay?

HEYDTMy God, no. She must know thatnobody can depend on him foranything.

JAYShut up!

Jay jumps up and swings at Heydt. Archie blocks him, andJay swings at him. Archie grabs his arm, whirls him, andshoves. Jay stumbles, but stays on his feet. Maslow grabsArchie from behind as Pete goes for Heydt again.

MASLOWHold it, hold it. Pete. He's the persona non grata.

(gets up)Let's give him the bum's rush. Care to help, Carl?

HEYDTNo, thanks, but I'll watch.

MASLOWIt'll be simpler if you justrelax, Goodwin.

Archie doubles over and whirls, coming up bumping Jay, thenslamming the edge of his hand on the side of Jay's neck. Jay crumples, but Maslow grabs Archie's left wrist and isgetting his shoulder in for the lock. Archie ducks down,sliding off his shoulder and bending his elbow into Maslow'sbelly.

CONTINUED



Maslow reaches for Archie's right wrist, but that opens himup and Archie rolls into him, brings his right arm around,and ends with his knee in Maslow's back. Archie unwinds hisarm and stands up and hustles all three of them out the door.

ARCHIEIf you want to play games youought to take lessons.

He closes the door. Wolfe emerges from the office.

WOLFEIt's time for lunch. You'dbetter wash up.

And he goes in, leaving Archie, who dusts himself off andfollows.

{A&E: END ACT THREE}

WIPE TO:

88 88INT. BROWNSTONE - DINING ROOM - DAY

As Archie enters the dining room, as Wolfe attacks hisappetizer.

WOLFEI hope you had no plans for thecar today. I've sent Saul Panzeron an errand.

ARCHIEInteresting.

WOLFEYes. And I gave him $100.

ARCHIEGood.

Beat. Wolfe says nothing. Archie says nothing.

ARCHIE (V.O.)If Wolfe saw fit to keep Saul'serrand private, he could eatwormy corn boiled in water beforeI'd ask him what it was.

Silence. Fritz comes in with the Shrimp Bordelaise.

WOLFEThis shrimp Bordelaise is withoutonions but has some garlic.

(more)

CONTINUED


88 CONTINUED: 88

WOLFE (Cont'd)I think an improvement, butFritz and I invite your opinion.

As Fritz serves him:

ARCHIEI'd be glad to.

(voice over)I was supposed to explode anddemand to know why Saul wassend on an errand instead ofme. Instead, I ate ShrimpBordelaise without onions butwith garlic and sided with Fritz.

89 89INT. BROWNSTONE - OFFICE - LATER

Archie ostentatiously reads his Gazette - the headline reads"SWEET CORN MURDER". The phone rings.

ARCHIENero Wolfe's office.

(to Wolfe)It's Saul.

WOLFEIf you please, Archie.

Archie grits his teeth and hangs up. He cracks his paper.

WOLFEYes. Satisfactory. Of course,you must accept the money. Very well.

He hangs up the phone. He looks at Archie.

WOLFESaul will be returning a portionof the expense money as he hadnone. I gave him sixty dollarsfor his six hours.

Archie doesn't look up.

ARCHIEHis daily minimum is eighty.

WOLFEHe wouldn't take it. He didn'twant to take anything sincethis is our personal affair,but I insisted.

CONTINUED


89 CONTINUED: 89

ARCHIEOur personal affair.

Wolfe glances at the clock. 3:55. He gets up.

ARCHIE (V.O.)Wolfe and I come as close totrusting each other two mencan, on matters of joint concern,but apparently this was no longerone of them. We were waiting,and I didn't know what for.

90 90INT. BROWNSTONE - PLANT ROOMS - DAY

Wolfe works on the orchids. Then he is struck by a thought. He brushes it off, goes back to work. But it won't go away.

WOLFEWhat time is it?


Fritz is mixing up a creme anglaise when he hears something. It is the SOUND of the ELEVATOR. He looks at the clock.


Archie hears the SOUND as well. He looks at the clock. 5:30. He checks it against his watch. 5:30.

93 93INT. BROWNSTONE - HALLWAY - DAY

Both Fritz and Archie emerge into the hall to observe thewonderment. The Elevator stops. Wolfe emerges - still inhis plant apron.

WOLFEHas it come?

ARCHIEWhat?

WOLFEThe corn. Has it come?

ARCHIENot unless Saul brought it.

WOLFEA possibility occurred to me. It is remote, but it would be--

That's when the doorbell RINGS.

CONTINUED


93 CONTINUED: 93

ARCHIEHere it is, good timing.

Wolfe gets to the door before Archie and opens it. A SKINNYMAN, DELBERT PALMER, with pants too big for him and wearinga bright green shirt, stands at the door holding the carton.

DELBERTNero Wolfe? Got your corn.

WOLFEDid you pick this?

DELBERTHell no, McLeod did.

WOLFEDid you pack it in the carton?

DELBERTNo, he did. Oh, I get it. You're a detective. You justask questions from habit, huh?

Wolfe ignores that. He bends down, lifts the carton by thecord, and heads for his office. Archie follows.

94 94INT. BROWNSTONE - WOLFE'S OFFICE -DAY

Wolfe sets the carton on his desk then turns to Archie as heenters.

WOLFEGet Mr. Cramer here withoutdelay

Archie goes to the phone and dials.

ARCHIEFor god's sake, being finickyabout food is all right up to apoint, but there's a limit.

Wolfe hands Archie a SHEET OF PAPER.

WOLFEAnd you might want to glance atthis while we're waiting.

And we WIPE TO:



Where Wolfe reads a book, ignoring the package that now sitson the red chair. Archie leads Cramer in.

CRAMERAll right. What's so damnedurgent.

Wolfe points at the package.

WOLFEIt is supposed to contain corn. Perhaps it does.

CRAMERYeah, so?

WOLFEBut it is conceivable that itcontains dynamite and acontraption that will detonateit when the cord is cut and theflaps raised...

CRAMERWhat is this, a gag?

WOLFEIt may be a bugaboo, but I'mnot crying wolf. I can tellyou nothing until we know what'sin the carton.

CRAMERThe hell you can't. Why do youthink it's dynamite?

WOLFEWill you please notify the properperson without delay?

Cramer hovers.

ARCHIEIf you touch it and it goes offwe can sue you for damages.

CRAMERYou couldn't pay me to touchit. I know too many people whowould have loved to pack it.

He grabs the phone.

CONTINUED


95 CONTINUED: 95

CRAMERClancy? Yeah. Get me the bombsquad?


The DOORBELL is ringing. Archie opens the door. It's theBOMB SQUAD guys, three of them, in uniform.

ARCHIERight this way.

They thunder in.


The BOMB SQUAD makes their arrangements. They isolate thebox. The lead guy pulls out a stethoscope.

BOMB SQUAD LEADERDo you want to clear the room,Inspector?

Cramer Wolfe and Archie exchange glances. Wolfe folds hishands over his fundament. He's not going anywhere.

CRAMERIt's probably nothing. Justcheck it first.

The Bomb Squad LEADER kneels by the chair, putting his earagainst the box and then the stethoscope. No ticking. Thenhe checks the string. His two ASSISTANTS get on either sideof the box and using prongs, they lift the lid of the boxgently until they feel resistance.

Both Archie and Cramer can't help themselves - they edge tothe door. Wolfe sighs.

The Bomb Squad assistants brings out wedges and slide themunder to prop the lid open. The Bomb Squad Leader usesmagnifying glasses and a flashlight to peer underneath therim of the cover.

He pulls back suddenly, the expression on his face tells itall. The assistants remove the wedges very carefully.

CRAMERBad news?

BOMB SQUAD LEADER(to Wolfe)

If you'd opened it, we wouldn'thave found all the pieces.

CONTINUED


97 CONTINUED: 97

WOLFEIt wouldn't have been me. Itwould have been Archie or Fritz,or both of them. And of coursemy house.

The assistants ease their fingers under the box and gentlylift it up.

ARCHIEThe guy who brought it in herecarried it by the cord.

The bomb squad members, moving as quickly and gently as theycan, ignore Archie and leave. Cramer turns to Wolfe. Wolfe,his lips tight, is breathing hard.

CRAMERYou didn't think it was dynamite. You knew it was. Now talk.

WOLFEThe possibility occurred to meand I came down, barely in time. Three minutes later... Pfui. That man is a blackguard.

Wolfe shakes his head, as if getting rid of a fly.

WOLFEThis morning I sent for SaulPanzer. When he came --

CRAMERWho put that dynamite in thatcarton?

WOLFEI'm telling you. When he cameI had him type out somethingand told him to take it to DuncanMcLeod's farm this afternoon. Archie. You have the copy.

Archie takes the paper from his pocket and hands it to Cramer.

ARCHIEMemorandum from Nero Wolfe toDuncan McLeod.

CONTINUED



CRAMER(reading:)

"I suggest you have in readinessacceptable answers to thefollowing questions if and whenthey are asked:

98 98INT. BARN - DAY (FLASHBACK)

As a grim-faced McLeod reads the letter...

CRAMER'S VOICE"When did Kenneth Faber tellyou that your daughter waspregnant and he was responsible?"

..tosses the letter aside, opens a crate with a crowbar and takes out STICKS OF DYNAMITE.

99 99INT. BROWNSTONE - OFFICE - NIGHT

Cramer scans the rest of the document, then looks at Wolfe.

CRAMERWhen did you figure this out?

WOLFEIt's a question ofinterpretation, not of knowledge.

CRAMERSo you decided to share yourinterpretation with him, insteadof me.

WOLFEI prefer to put it that I decidednot to decide.

Cramer snatches up the phone.

CRAMER(into phone)

Purley? Get the sheriff'soffice. Ask him to pick upDuncan McLeod and hold him formurder. And tell him to watchit -- he may be rough.

He hangs up and turns back to Wolfe and reads from the paperagain.

CRAMER"Question two:"


100 100INT. BARN - DAY (FLASHBACK)

AS McLeod arranges a LARGE PILE of dynamite and wires it alltogether.

CRAMER'S VOICE"Where did you get the piece ofpipe? Was it on your premises?"

101 101INT. WOLFE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

WOLFEAny man, sufficiently provoked,might plan to kill. However,few men would choose an ironbludgeon for a weapon and carryit through the streets. Certainly not Mr. Heydt, Mr.Maslow, or Mr. Jay. But acountryman might.

CRAMER"Question three:"

102 102INT. BARN - DAY

As McLeod attaches a DETONATOR to the dynamite.

CRAMER'S VOICE"Did you know that your daughtersaw you leaving the alley Tuesdayafternoon? Did you see her?"

103 103INT. WOLFE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

WOLFEYou read the affidavit. When Iasked Miss Mcleod which of thethree men might have killed Mr.Faber, how did she answer me?

CRAMERShe said 'they didn't.'

WOLFEShe stated it as a fact. Therewas only one way she could knowthey hadn't, with such certaintyin her voice and manner. Sheknew who had.

CONTINUED


103 CONTINUED: 103

Cramer crumples the paper in disgust. That's when the PHONERINGS. Archie answers it.

ARCHIENero Wo....Stebbins?

(handing it to Cramer)Stebbins.

CRAMERWhat? What?! All right. Allright.

(slams down the phone.)You and your goddamn luck.

104 104INT. BARN - DAY

As McLeod PRESSES the detonator.


CRAMERAbout an hour ago, Duncan McLeodsat or stood or lay on a pileof dynamite. They've got hishead and some other pieces.

Cramer waits for the news to sink in, then:

CRAMERYou knew all along it was McLeod,didn't you?

WOLFENot certain knowledge.

CRAMERYour goddamn luck. Any man whogot the breaks you get would godown on his knees and thankGod. You - you probably thankyourself. I suppose it's toomuch of a job for you to getdown on your knees...

WOLFEMr. Cramer. It was a reasonedconclusion. You had all thefacts that I did.

CRAMERThen how did you know?

WOLFEThe corn.

CONTINUED


105 CONTINUED: 105

CRAMERThe corn?

WOLFEMcLeod knows how extremelyparticular I am. I pay himwell, more than well. He toldme that he had Faber pick mycorn because he had to godynamite some rocks and stumps. He knew Faber couldn't possiblydo the job. So it must havebeen something far morecompelling than stumps and rocksfor him to risk losing such avaluable customer.

CRAMERAnd the only thing that couldpossibly be more important thanyour corn is murder.

WOLFEPrecisely.

Cramer just shakes his head and walks out. Wolfe looks atArchie, who is grinning back at him. Wolfe scowls.

WOLFEPfui.

And we FADE OUT.

THE END

in bad taste · in bad taste 12-17-01 blue 2. 1c continued: 1c archie (v.o.) (cont'd) but he...

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