[Here are the collected stories of the Crab clan hero, Hida Ishigaki. They are taken from his journal.]

My First L5R deck was a Crab deck, obsidian edition. So when I got into L5R rpg of course my first char was a Crab. I consumed source material on my clan at a voracious pace. With the exception of the very first book of the shadowlands I have read every sourcebook cover to cover that has anything to do with the Crab clan or the Shadowlands. Hida Ishigaki is my Crab. I shall now recount some of his tales.

I got picked out as an Emerald Magistrate. Guess the Crab's affinity for Water does mean I'm good at spotting clues… Oh wait, testimony is the only real evidence.Huh. Oh well, must be so I can spot tainted fuckers or something. I show up for my first day on the job in my battered ass O-Yori. Tetsubo slung over my shoulder. Can't beat the classic look, screw all that crustacean shit.They looked at me like I just crawled out of a midden. Hey, I cut my beard and everything too! (Well, okay lopped it off with my tanto but still...!)

There's an Isawa Water tensai, her pet Shiba, a Kitsuki of fucking course, and one of those Mantis twats.Yeah, yeah, the Mantis are our ‘cousins.’ I don't buy it. Osano-Wo was a fucking Crab, you minor clan, money-grubbing, peasant-weapon-swinging pissants do not get to call him your Ancestor. His blood flows in my veins.Literally. I can trace a direct paternal line all the way back to Hida himself, not just one of the Samurai that took his name.

The Shugenja proceeds to cough up some blood during the meet and greet. Dafuk? She gives a weak smile, explains she's been sick since birth. I have to admit, I’m impressed by her ability to endure and keeping a proper face on even when she's clearly suffering. Tough girl. The fact that Benten was kind to her doesn't hurt either...

First job is pretty straightforward, Bandits need to be handled. Gotcha, now I know why they picked me, of all people, for such a prestigious post. I'll spare you all the boring details. It went as you'd expect. I drew lots of attention and shrugged off their pathetic ‘attacks’ with my armor and the strong Earth that all Crabs are blessedwith, while the rest of the party took them down. The Mantis helped a little bit, I guess.

The Shugenja though, didn't hurt anyone. Not one offensive spell. She tried to hide it, but I saw her wiping away her tears after the fight was over.

Huh. Quite the softie.

We head back into town, and I decide to reward myself with some good sake...

Wake up, my head is fuzzy.

Wait…. What?

I've never gotten so drunk I don't remember the night before. My liver is made of high grade Kaiu Steel for fuck’s sake. I roll over, head pounding. I get to stare at the disheveled Tensai... Damn she's cute. And she has a nice rack peeking out of her torn kimonOHNO.

Screaming ensues. Yoriki with Yari swarm into the room, and I'm under arrest.

The Kitsuki scrambles to look for evidence. Mantits starts asking around town, seeing if anyone saw anything.

Shiba sharpens his sword.

I keep my damn trap shut. Mantits comes back. Everyone he spoke to saw me and the Shugenja leave together. No one saw or heard anything after that, not even where we went.

"People didn't see shit, people didn't hear shit. I say it was Ninjas!" proudly states the Mantis.

Flawless logic from that wannabe Samurai there. Kistuki examines the Sake bottle I was drinking from last night. He says he found proof that it was spiked. Probably by a Ninja. Kitsuki’s are pretty smart, so he's probably not wrong.

“You were framed as rapist by a Ninja.”

Shiba continues to sharpen his sword.

“I was framed as a rapist by a Ninja!” I stated, again.

Shiba puts his damn sword away. Well, now that that's settled...

"Ahem. We're going to need some testimony on this, maybe someone confessing to drugging you. Otherwise as things stand..."

Fuck my life. We begin the Ninja hunt. Decide to start with the waitresses. Grill those half people. Grill 'em good.

First round of questions reveal that one of them has the hots for the proprietor's son. I stare blankly. Kitsuki thinks he knows what happened. Bring her back for round two. Kitsuki lets her have it. Spins this batshit insanestory about how she spiked my Sake for a guy, who promised he would smooth things over with the proprietor so she could marry the boy she liked.

That is the most far fetched-

She breaks down in tears, admitting it. I decide I want to go back to the wall where things make sense. Go find Water tit- tensai. Well this is awkward. But that's why I'm here. Apologize profusely for this whole mess. She gives me a smile that doesn't seem very sincere to me. Says it's not my fault so she doesn't blame me. I believe her. Tell her it's still okay to be pissed about this whole thing. We only cleared my name. Still no idea who was behind it, or why. There's that smile again.

Our intrepid band engages in some more investigations, trials, and questions. I help by keeping my yap shut and punching things that try to run away when they get cornered. Heading to bath house one evening, I notice there’s a dead body on the bridge...

Well that's not supposed to be there.

“Hey, peasant, go to the inn and get the Kitsuki would ya?”

I take a look without moving the dude. Big slice from shoulder to hip, almost cut him clean in two. Learned a thing or two about anatomy and all that from a Kuni friend back home. I realize this guy was cut from behind. When the rest of the party gets there I shoo off all the lookie-loos. Mention that it looks like the guy was cut from behind. Kitsuki confirms this.

Not at all hard to find his killer. The dead guy was courting the city Governor's daughter.

So was the Kakita that was in town.

We confront said Kakita. He admits to the whole thing. But insists it was a fair duel.

Bullshi-

Shiba cuts me off. Oh right. Testimony. This Kakita is fairly high ranked himself. Our word versus his leaves thematter unresolved.

The Shiba then says it.

“That is bullshit, and you are a murderer!”

Welp, it's on now. Shiba vs Kakita Iaijutsu duel at high noon.

“Why the hell did you stop me? I could have taken him.”

I get some incredulous stares for that one.

“Well, if the duel proves that the Kakita was a murderer then he would be executed right? Or at least forced to commit sudoku?”

“Well, yeah.”

“So then the duel is to the death, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I've just learned The Mountain Does not Move! I could have taken him.”

More incredulous stares.

I pout as I watch the Shiba and the Kakita stare at each other for way too long. Shugenja girl is doing her damndest not to fidget. Should I put an arm around her? Better not.

Steel gets drawn, flashes in the noon sun.

Turns out the Shiba's connection to the Void was stronger.

A wild Monkey appears.

We've made our way north, now in the lands of the Phoenix. Shugenja informs us that her father is the lord a coastal castle, suggest we stay there for a bit before continuing on. Warm castle? Futons? Baths? Sake? Yes please.

Meet and greet with her family. Her father the nastiest case of resting bitch face I've ever seen. And I'm friends with a Kuni that never washes off his face paint. Mom is normal enough. Seems a model Rokugani wife. I can see where our shugenja learned her manners. Younger brother, not yet enrolled at a School. Older brother, Earth Tensai, like their father. The pleasantries drag on for fucking ever. Damn near everyone in our party is fidgeting a bit by now. Me and the Shiba are the only ones keeping still, but my legs have gone to sleep.Shugenja starts to shake a bit during the meet n' greet. Dad switches bitchface from passive to active. My Sensei would kill to able to give look of disapproval like that. She swallows. Hard. Several Times.

Finally he waves his hand in dismissal. As we're following the servants to the rooms he's giving us, I notice her lips are bright red. She doesn't use makeup. I stop, grab her shoulder and wipe her lip.

Blood.

She was having another coughing fit, but instead of letting it come up like normal she choked it back as best she could, then swallowed the blood.

I look her dead in the eyes.

"Why?"

By now, all of us know how to brew up her medicinal tea when she has her fits. I'm the only one who gives no fucks about propriety and holds her up when we're in public though. There's that damn smile again.

"Oh, it wouldn't be good manners is all"

Except she's coughed at plenty of times when it wouldn't be good manners. I want to press for more, but the Shiba is glaring hard enough to light my beard on fire so I let it drop.

That night shit gets real.

I hear something that snaps me awake. Even after all this time away from the Wall, I still sleep in my armor with a powdered Wakizashi in my hands. But this time it's not Oni. It's flaming arrows. Coming from the sea. Or, more specifically, the boats floating in the sea. The Green and Gold boats.

Looks like the Mantis have decided to have yet another go at the Phoenix. Well that shit's gonna be awkward later. Grab my Tetsubo, run down to the gate. Mantis Pirates are already swarming all over. We've got a real war on our hands. I do what Crabs do and rush to the thickest part of the fighting. The Crab are always in the vanguard of a multi-clan force, after all.

Draw a line in the dirt with my Tetsubo. Mantis come to a screeching halt, trying to figure out why there's a damn Crab in this Phoenix castle.

They rush forward.

I was born to do this. I've trained for this. I've fought on the wall against swarming hordes of chittering things and rotting corpses. Nothing can stand before my fury. The line holds.

The Monkey comes to join me.

BAM.

I'm on the ground spitting up my own blood and teeth. The Monkey drags me clear as the Mantis swarm about.Water Tensai uses her magic to knit my wounds closed. Not a scratch on me when I return to battle. Again, dominate the shit out of this battle. Where I walk, Mantis bodies litter my path.

Monkey comes to help again.

WHAM.

aaaaaaaaaand I'm down again.

“Go away monkey you're bad luck.”

“Don't you want me to get you clear?”

“Get the fuck away from me you goddamn jinx!”

I drag myself into a corner, prop myself up into a cool sitting pose resting on my tetsubo. At least I look good. Somehow the others hold out and night ends with the Mantis being driven off.

Come the morning.

Daddy dearest is in fine form, accusing us all of being spies sent ahead of the Mantis force. Because, you know, there's a Mantis in our group. And Emerald Magistrates do that kind of thing. And apparently his own Daughter. And the Crab who almost died, twice. (You stay outside a ten foot radius of me at all times Monkey. You hear me?)

The Kitsuki and the Shiba try, as gently as possible to point these things out to our irate host. ‘Spare me your trivial facts, plebs. I rule this castle and I've already decided what happened!’ (I might be paraphrasing him a bitthere.)

Our little Shugenja starts coughing again. She can't hold it back this time, it's a pretty bad attack. After everything that happened last night I'm not surprised. I'm moving to catch her already.

Her father is faster.

SLAP.

“How dare you shame me like that, child!”

Mom stares on impassively. Younger brother on the verge of tears. Older brother hides behind his fan.

We're all pissed. That's our little flower, our hana-chan. The gentlest, most kindhearted person we know. She's saved all our lives countless times with her magic, she has never once inflicted a single wound on anyone or anything, she endures a life of constant pain without a word of complaint.

Now I know why she thinks so little of herself. Now I know why her smile never really reaches her eyes. I'm a hair's breadth from becoming a murderer. I think the rest of our group will cover for me.

She lays her hand on my arm. She knows what I'm thinking. She shakes her head.

I restrain myself.

Apparently his bout of child abuse has settled him down, like a drunkard getting his first swig of Shochu in a week. He let’s the matter drop.

Our Shugenja does a tea ceremony for all of us that night. I really didn't want to, since I'm pretty sure I always spin the bowl too much...or not enough, and because I really didn't like the idea of having her sit there and serve me tea after everything she's been through. But then I realized that being an Honorable person was just how she coped. So I went along with it. By the Fortunes that shit is bitter. Why the hell is it so bitter? It's supposed to be calming, right?

I do feel calmer though. Huh.

Never been much for propriety, so I just tell her I want to speak to her alone that night. She's taken aback. A maiden shouldn't be unaccompanied with a man after all. But she said yes anyway.

Deep breath.

"So, you know how Crabs revere Strength, right? Because Hida was the Strongest of the Kami?But he still lost in the first round of the tournament the Kami held. That's because there's all kinds of Strength, and he just didn't realize it at that time. Strength isn't just hitting things hard, or talking a crushing blow and cushioning it with you Earth and your armor. A reed is strong, because it yields to the hurricane and never gets uprooted."

She gives me the weirdest look.

"Uh, yeah. So anyway I'm trying to say that I think you're Strong. Really Strong. To be honest, I'm in awe. And maybe a little jealous."

She tilts her head and blinks.

"And I want to say, you're beautiful. Benten surely blessed you when you were born. And you strong..."

Fucking smooth there you dipshit. Just spit it out.

“I... I love you. I know I don't really have any property or anything...but I can trace a direct line back to Hida himself! I mean, my family split off from the main family back in the 8th century so like, half the clan would haveto die before I would ever get even close to being the Hida family daimyo…”

Dare to look up.

She's crying. Ya blew it, you fucktard. She throws her arms around me.

...what?

She hugs me tightly. I dare to hope…

"You have been so kind to me, I always thought it was just pity. Where have you been hiding this philosopher until now?"

"Don't give me so much credit, I'm still the same idiot I've always been. I just see that having been born and raised a warrior it's not all that amazing that I'm good at it. You, on the other hand…”

"Have been born and raised to be a Shugenja, in the Clan that is best known for their Shugenja."

"Yeah but..."

"Please, no more compliments tonight. My heart cannot take it. Because I must turn you down. My father would never approve."

Contemplate murder for the second time that day.

She's right about him though. And considering how she is an Honorable and dutiful Child she will do as her Father bids. Well, she's got other family members. Let's go see her mom.

Find her mother engaging in some Ikebana. I realize I only know that word because of the time I've spent traveling with our Shugenja. Sit down politely and wait to be acknowledged. Think about what I'm here to talk about, decide to go full dogeza. Mother pauses when I do that. Then goes back to her arrangements.

arranging.intensifiesarranging.intensifiesarranging.intensifiesarranging.intensifiesarranging.intensifies

I see, she's testing me. This family is fucking big on discipline. Fine. I'm going to show here that Crab's reputation for being louts is due to how we cut loose when we're off duty. When we're on duty however, not even the Lion can match our discipline.

She gets up, leaves the room.

Comes back.

Sets down more flowers where I can see them out of the corner of my eye. Damn did she uproot her whole garden? Settle in muscles, we're going to be here a while. She decides to open the door to the garden. I can here some water trickling, followed by a TOK.

The water trickles.TOKThe water trickles.TOKSurprise, the water trickles.TOKThe water continues to trickle...TOK

As my bladder starts to protest, I can see exactly how much flower arranging she intends to do. Damn, this bitch is merciless. The Shiba shared some techniques with me to help quiet my mind. I use them to bolster my formidable stamina.

Finally a "May I help you?" from mom.

My spine cracks as I straighten up. Holy fuck I never would have guessed just holding still could hurt so much. Now to use subtle innuendo and wordplay to dance around this sensitive topic while still conveying my point. I've seen the Kitsuki do that plenty of times in court.

“I wanna marry your daughter.”

Nailed it.

"Whatever for?"

I had plenty of time to guess how she would respond, and had readied several responses of my own. ‘Whatever for?’ was not one I was prepared for.

"What do you mean, whatever for? Isn't it obvious?"

Her mother hid her face with the sleeve of her kimono. It was a nice kimono, fine red silk with gold threads weaving in intricate pattern I couldn't even begin to trace out in my head. I wonder when it was that I started to notice other people's kimono's and feel embarrassed by my simple grey cotton one.

"There is no need to be coy, Ishigaki-san. My daughter is ill. She is frail. Why would a Crab, of all people, want to marry someone like that?”

Oh this shit again. Fine. Explain what Strength really means to mom. Her eyes, poking up over that sleeve go wider with each word. They threaten to engulf her whole head. By the time I'm finished I am talking to one gianteyeball. Given how disciplined this family is, it dawns on me just how shocking the depth of Crab philosophy is to the rest of Rokugan. I'm kind of pissed off that this is so surprising. Pretty sure I didn't let that show.,,

"So, anyway, I was thinking you might help me to convince your husband about this…”

She snaps back to normal in an instant, and her gaze frosts over. I've never felt the cold really, a gift from my Ancestor Osano-Wo, but I had to suppress a shiver at that chilly stare.

"That will not be possible."

Mother sighs. A surprisingly heavy one.

"My husband has many duties as the lord of this castle. He is also a candidate for the next Master of Earth. As such alliances must be made, and favors exchanged.”

Favors. He thinks of his daughter as a favor to be traded. I know that's how it works in Rokugan, but it's actually a bit rarer in Crab lands than you'd think. Most families let their kids find a spouse on their own, though

if you're not married by the time you're 25 the family will step in and find you a spouse. It's because we've got ahigh attrition rate. We need lots of babies and couples who love each other a lot have lots of babies, it's as simple as that. We Crabs are a practical bunch, after all.

Dejected I take my leave. Well now what? Her younger brother isn't even in school yet, and her older brother looked like a daddy's boy.

"I believe I can help you."

HOLYSHITFUCKWHAT

Old instincts kick in as I whirl to beat the shit out of whatever the hell managed to sneak that close to me. I check myself just in time to avoid killing her older brother. He stares calmly at my fist that's almost touching his nose.

He smiles.

"It's true what they say: 'When you wake a Crab, use a stick.’"

I cough, straighten up, and regain my composure.

"As I was saying, I believe I can help you. You need only point out how little my father truly stands to gain from arranging a marriage for my sister."

“Huh?”

He smiles at my look of confusion.

"She has likely kept it hidden from you, the depths of her illness. The truth is my sister is unlikely to reach retirement age. Or even thirty. For that matter, her illness means that the rigors of childbirth... no, even carryinga child in her womb would most likely prove fatal."

The way he said all that with the smile still on his face creeped me the fuck out.

"So, as she is no good for continuing a line, she would at best be relegated to marrying an old man with grown children. A plaything, if you will.”

Contemplate murder again.

"Oh, I do hope you're not put off by all this! I realize that she's not worth much, but you would still be marrying up! You only need sequester her for a year or so while having a concubine bear your children, no one would ever know."

Kissada-sama grant me the strength to persevere through this visit, that I do not commit double homicide and shame my Ancestors. At this point I wouldn't be surprised if the dad, older brother or both were maho-tsukai. Actually, kinda hopping at least one of them is. I manage to choke out a thank you to her brother for his ‘helpfuladvice.’

I head for the Kitsuki's room. Mantis is there. Great. So is the Jinx.

I spill my guts. Tell them everything I just went through. I need to know what the proper thing to do in this situation is, and I'm so far outside of what I consider normal I have no clue anymore.

Do I win the approval of my prospective father in law by reducing the woman I want to be my wife to useless goods?Do I grab her and elope?

Do I set this madhouse on fire and purge the Empire of the insanity that dwells within?!

The Mantis, with a roaring passion that filled the room, told me to give up on her and try for someone else.The Monkey told me to elope, promised he'd cover for us.The Kitsuki asked me what she thought we should do.

...

"...I've... got to go do something real quick."

Find Naomi, she’s practicing her Calligraphy. I sit down and relay the stories of how I spoke with her family. She looks up at me with those sad eyes…

"I didn't want you to find out. But what my Brother says is true. I know how important a large family is to a Crab,but I will likely not be able to give you even a single child."

"Wait, is that why you turned me down?"

"Not just that, no. I must still respect my fath..."

"Bullshit you do."

I'd had it.

"That man treats you worse than an eta! He shames himself, his house, your sensei and you by failing to recognize your talents. You're a fucking Tensai! And I don't believe for one second that you couldn't have children. Water is the element of Healing, and Crabs all have a strong Earth! Our kids would be strong enough to live even if your illness makes it difficult! And I've got a friend who's a Kuni, he's always bitching to me about how every year they have to provide some new bit of lore or magical research in a big family meeting. I'm sure he'd love to work on some fortifying Earth magic to help!

I. Love. You.”

Her father's face went from pink, to crimson, to purple by the time she was done telling him her decision. It wasthe most satisfying thing I'd ever seen. No way I could keep the grin off my face as I watched a man I had come to detest more than any Oni have an aneurysm.

I thought I couldn't get any happier. Then her father exploded in rage. He didn't say anything. He was too furious to speak. He just ran over to the little shrine at the far end of the room.

And grabbed the katana that was there.

And ripped it free of its sheath.

And pointed it at me.

I almost had an orgasm.

I picked up my blade and strolled out into the garden, accepting his foolhardy challenge. I had just enough Iaijutsu training that I could get my sword out in an instant if I needed it. My Kenjutsu technique was barely adequate for my Sensei to teach me the secret of Two Pincers, One Mind.

But he was a Shugenja. An overly proud shugenja, but a Shugenja nonetheless. The look Naomi gave me as we took our stances is the only thing that saved his life.

But I got my wife.

It's tradition that the Husband goes on a year long pilgrimage after getting married, to contemplate his new life. The husband's mother takes the new wife and teaches her everything there is to know about running a household. I don't have a mother anymore. Once there seven of us: Mom, Dad, my four siblings and me. But our clan's never ending war took it's due from my family. I was the only one left.

Naomi was in tears when I finished telling her this. Naomi's mother maintained her face though, and nodded in understanding.

“I shall fill in for your departed mother then, and teach my daughter what she needs to know. Do you manage any land?”

“Sort of...?”

Mother-in-law gave me a smile that I had learned meant 'the fuck does that mean?'

“We did have a Jade mine, but it played out years ago.”

“Ah, I see…”

I didn't elaborate on what that meant. The jade in the earth keeps it pure, safe from the taint. Many times, whenthe creatures of the shadowlands slip past the wall, they do so by burrowing through the tainted earth of an exhausted Jade mine.

Such a thing was the main reason I was the last living member of my family. I was fortunate enough to be left for dead, by the swarm. Though I still bear a scar across my face in the shape of an X. The lines intersect just above my nose and between my eyes. Most people flinch instinctively when they first see my face.

So off I went, pilgriming away. Really had no clue what the hell I was supposed to be doing, so I just went to a few random temples. Did hit up the main temples of Osano-Wo, Kissada, and Yakamo though.

Always makes me feel good about how many divinities once walked Ningen-do as Crabs.

The colors of the Crab clan are blue, grey and black. After a year of temples and monks and praying my balls had gone through all three. Upon my return to my only slightly dilapidated home my new wife attempted to giveme the standard Rokugani greeting. No, just the first two. Naomi is a good girl after all.

“Welcome Ho- EEEEEEEK”

I scooped her up, tossed her over my shoulder and headed inside. The Kitsuki looked up from the tea he was sipping.

“Ah, Ishigaki. We've got a…”

“Nope. Busy.”

Time passes.

Not as much time as could have passed, given my endurance, nor as much time as my balls wanted to have passed. But I wasn't about to kill my wife on our first time together. Though there was extra time spent cuddling. I was a full foot taller than her, and wide enough she could use me as a futon. Once I came back out blinding my party with afterglow they let me know what our next assignment would be.

Serial Killer.

Off we go, in the ass end of fall trying to reach the city before the winter snows catch us. We get inside on the

day of the first snowfall. Of course by the time we're there the last victim found had already been cremated andthe scene cleaned up, so there was no way for the Kitsuki to get any leads using the usual methods.

Interview time.

I sat in and glowered whenever the Kitsuki tapped his fan on his right knee. I made a decent bad magistrate with my messed up face. No one ever seemed to see or hear anything out of the ordinary, just find a body one day. Often in various states of decomposition, such that it was hard to know what had even killed them. Only the sheer volume of mysterious deaths led the local magistrate to conclude a serial killer was at work. Deducing that this was above his paygrade, he sent for the Emerald Magistrates.

The local magistrate would have fallen over himself fawning over us, were it possible for something that round to fall over anything. So I guess he rolled over himself fawning over us. While I contemplated the fact that thereexisted a human being shorter than me but twice as wide as me, with all the grace and speed of a drunken silkworm, the Kitsuki tried to figure out what, if anything, Blob-san could do to assist us.

Being the genius that he was Kitsuki deduced that was provide extra bodies in the form of Yoriki should we need them. The Monkey and the Mantis, meanwhile, were down in the seedier parts of town. Apparently the Mantis, like all his kind, was a merchant pretending to be a Samurai and knew how to deal with such people. The Monkey went along to bring the wrath of the Fortunes down on the Mantis, where it belonged. Our Water Tensai attempted to provide clarity at several of the crime scenes, only to find the local Kami had been chased off by something or other. So she tried some more specific spells. But something interfered with her magic.

So know we know that someone, either skilled at magic or with a Nemuranai of some sort, was killing people, and showed no signs of stopping any time soon. Winter had just begun, so no one was going anywhere for several months.

Thus, The hunt is on.

Unfortunately, nothing was forthcoming from the underbelly of the city. The Mantis was convinced that someone from that side of the world knew something, he just wasn't sure who. I proposed a game of who talks first, but the Kitsuki was of the mind that a massive disruption to the underworld would create too much chaos, making it harder to find the one we came for. So we all sat around scratching our collective heads until the next body showed up.

On an impulse, I did something I hadn't in awhile. I prodded the corpse with a finger of jade. The body smoldered, smoke tinged with the old scent of burning taint wafted through the room. Everyone's face had gone just little bit paler as they stared at me…

Looks like I get to take center stage again. Hooray...

Step one, get all the Jade. All of it. No way to get Kuni Crystal. Fortunately we're able to scrounge enough Jade such that I don't think we need to go hunting obsidian. Proposing that would have gone over like a fart in front of the Emperor.

“Alright, you two. Send the Mantis and the Monkey on patrol. Your mission is to discreetly touch this small bits of jade to people's skin. Our killer is either using a tainted weapon, or is a maho. Or both. Or is an Oni. Whichever it is, if they've gotten spoiled because no one know anything about unclean subjects like the taint, we might just get lucky and catch them this way.”

Pfft, yeah right. This is a stupidly long shot, but I've got nothing better right now.

“Naomi you know how to check for spiritual imbalance and kansen, right?”

“I'm not very good with Earth kami, but I do know the theory. I'll try.”

“Kitsuki, Shiba, you're going to get the Yoriki ready. Grind up this jade for powder, show the Yoriki how to powder their yari, we might need them after all.”

“Uh, neither of us have ever done this before.”

“Fuck. Okay Shiba you go with Naomi, I'll stay here with Kitsuki and show you all how it's done. If you find something come back and get us. One last thing. No one goes anywhere alone. Not even to take a shit. Keep an eye on your buddy at all times. Yes, all times. And when the groups come back into contact everyone holds up a piece of jade to bare skin. No exceptions. Shapeshifters and skin stealers are a bitch and a half to deal with.”

I got them moving before they could ask me to clarify what I meant by skin stealers.

Ah yes, the other reason to make a Crab an Emerald Magistrate. Knowledge of maho and the shadowlands is taboo, so most Rokugani are woefully misinformed. Misinformed though they were, the Yoriki still knew that Jade powder could only mean one thing. I did my best impersonation of my old Gunso and told them that if anyone of them spoke of what was going on they would all answer to me. The Yoriki decided to be more afraid of the Crab in front of them then the hypothetical Oni they may have to face and obeyed.

Good.

I was still holding out hope our quarry didn't know we we had found out it was tainted. Everyone gathered at the magistrates as the sun began to set. The Mantis and Monkey had no luck, as I expected. Naomi, on the other hand, found several places that were out of whack. (She had used some elaborate and formal language Ican't really remember, but out of whack got the point across). We dug up a map of the city and had her mark them down. The Kitsuki realized something. Many of those places were at or very near where bodies had beenfound.

Mind like a steel trap. Never forgets anything.

He deduced that the places where Naomi found the disturbances must be where the actual murders had been committed. He studied the map for a time. I think I can guess where our killer will strike next. There's a pattern here. Good, good. Stake out time!

In the middle of the night. All of us hidden in alleyways and rooftops. Monkey playing the drunken samurai bumbling about and singing off key. Left the Yoriki behind. Too many people. Still hoping our quarry doesn't know.

Then we see her.

My mother.

Surprised hiss from Naomi next to me.

“What's my mother doing here?”

Look at her.

“You see your mother?”

“Yes, right there don't you see her?”

“No. I see my mother.”

“But your mother is dead…”

“Yes.”

“What does that mean?”

“We should have brought the Yoriki...”

I knew what that was. It was an Oni that preyed on lone travelers, eating their hearts. No matter who looks at it,it looks like their mother. Worse than that, that damned thing had the power of Invulnerability; it could only be harmed by magic or the three sacred substances. Jade powder was only good for two or three strikes before it was all worn off. We had enough powder for each of us, save Naomi, to coat a single weapon.

I don't think we could kill it with only that much.

It's already upon the monkey, who has no idea what's going on. Too late now. I tell Naomi to tell everyone else to powder their weapons and follow my lead.

And then I charged at the beast.

If the Monkey was taken aback by a screaming Crab beating his mother with a tetsubo covered in Jade powderhe recovered quickly enough. The fact that I had thrown aside any thought of my own safety, something I almost never did, was apparent to everyone there. They all quickly powdered their weapons. The Oni, enraged, tore into me.

It was not braggadocio when I say that I could take twice the beating an average samurai could. Add to that myarmor, the teachings of the HIda Bushi School, and my own resistance to pain and I am a very difficult person to injure.

I was barely standing after the Oni's assault.

Naomi. Small, frail Naomi ran up to my side in arms reach of the Oni, to heal me. The Oni saw that and knew right away who it had to kill first. Thank the fortunes the Shiba was faster. The Mantis sank both kama into it; the Monkey's grandfather scolded the Oni.

The damn thing was barely slowed.

I placed myself between it and Naomi. Continuing on my with my foolishness I attacked with reckless fury again. Two solid blows echoed through the snow filled alley. And my jade was spent. The Oni seeing me in it's way chose to remove me first. As I hoped it would do. I steeled myself and made ready to meet my Ancestors.

I looked up from where I lay, surprised I was still alive, even awake. My body, however, would not move.The Mantis and Monkey attacked again, but their fear held them back from committing fully. The Kitsuki knew what was at stake, but his skill with a katana was worse even than mine. And so his blade failed to land.

Our Jade was almost gone.

The Shiba took a breath, and fell into a stance as though he were preparing to attack a straw target in a dojo. Again, life poured into my limbs as Naomi begged the Kami to save me. My mind was blank, my body moved on instinct. With the speed of no thought I did the only thing I could. I wrapped my arms around the Oni.

The beast was taken off guard. I knew it could break my grip with ease, but still I held on. The Shiba took full advantage. Swimming deep in the void, he struck with a blade that was still fully powdered. The Oni sagged in my arms and almost took me to the ground with it.

They all sagged with relief as the Oni fell. I had kept its attention on me, for the most part, so I alone was wounded. But they had all strained themselves to their limits in that battle.

But it wasn't over.

“Naomi! we need pure water to cleanse this oni blood off, now!Get to the temples, wake up everyone. We need salt, Shugenja, monks.”

I may have been going a bit overboard, but better safe than sorry. Evil is a physical thing. It seeps into our world from deep within the shadowlands, where the 9th Kami fell. It corrupts everything it touches. Twisting once good people into mockeries of their former selves. It can linger on long after the original source is gone. Seeping into wood, even stone. The Wall is constantly under construction, because sometimes the bricks themselves become tainted and must be replaced. A tainted building could taint it's inhabitants. Such a thing would be very slow, especially with only a single Oni as the source of the taint this far from the Shadowlands, but it could happen. The Crab have methods to reduce the risk of such things occurring, and contingency plansshould the worst come to pass. The rest of Rokugan does not trouble itself with such unclean things.

Excessive countermeasures it is then.

I supervised the Eta as they boxed up the Oni's corpse. We took it outside the city walls and burned it downwind from the city. As I watched the smoke drift away I remembered the story of Oni no Satsujinki with a shudder. I then had Naomi check myself and all the Eta for taint. I was glad none were infected, if only becauseI didn't want to have to behead one in front of her. Head back to meet up with everyone.

Something is nagging at me…

Run through everything I know about Yamauba again. Invulnerable. Looks like your mother; good at infiltrating the Empire. Prays on lone travelers and children.

Eats hearts...

Shit.

“Kitsuki-san, was there any mention of the victims missing their hearts?”

“No, the reports were sparse on gory details. All they said was that the bodies were decomposed. Our last victim, however still had theirs.”

“And no children have been killed?”

“By the Fortunes no!”

“We're not done yet.”

Sea of blank faces.

“Yamauba, that's what that Oni we fought are called. They're cowards. It's true they're invulnerable, but they attack from ambush, they prey on children. And they eat hearts. They don't drain chi and leave a withered husk like we've been finding, and they aren't as dangerous in combat as the one we faced.”

The Monkey was the one to ask what all that meant.

“When an Oni summoned, it must be given a Name. It must be a Name owned by the summoner, or surrendered voluntarily by someone else. The Oni then subsists on the chi of the person whose Name it bears.It grows stronger, gains new powers. We have to find the Maho-Tsukai that summoned it.”

Now the Mantis spoke up.

“How in the hell are we even supposed to do that? Wait for them to do something else? They're just going to

lay low and slip out once winter is over!”

“No, there is a way. As I said, the Oni drains the chi of the person whose name it holds. It sickens them, taints them even. At the very least, their spirit would be so disrupted that they would have extreme mood swings. Andthat Oni had grown very strong. We need only find someone who has taken ill.”

The Mantis went back to his seedy fellows, asking after anyone with a sudden turn of ill health. The Kistuki, now with the job of babysitting our Jinx, did the same with the higher placed members of society Some monks take mercy too far. They are willing to hide the tainted, give them tea of Jade Petals. They think it is possible torestore the spiritual balance of a tainted person the way they would fix any other imbalance. I told Naomi this, and asked her to check all the temples. The Shiba went with her. She was kind, he could be firm.

I wandered the streets. I checked out teahouses, restaurants, inns, bathhouses and brothels. Every place I could think of to find a Witch Hunter. I was taking another long shot, hoping against hope that someone more suited to this task may be in the City. While I was well versed in the creatures and dangers of the Shadowlands, I knew only enough about Maho to recognize it when I see it. I had already exhausted my knowledge on the subject, and it was only due to my familiarity with Oni that I knew even that much.

Of course, I was also deliberately moving alone, and being visible. The Tsukai would know their Oni was dead. Being the Crab, it would naturally make me the biggest threat. A Crab must be strong, so that all of Rokugan can take shelter behind them. I knew my Duty.

I failed to find anyone who could help, and the Tsukai, wherever they were, did not take my bait. The Kitsuki learned nothing. Naomi found no temples hiding our quarry.

The Mantis though came through. Though he adamantly refuse to disclose how he came by this information, the boss of the city’s only gang had indeed taken ill. The Kitsuki tapped his fan to his lips at that. Of course, wehad no idea where the boss was.

But Blob-san did indeed know of a restaurant the gang used as a front. So we gathered the Yoriki, stormed intothe place, and played who talks first. The Shiba took the head of the winner with a quick, smooth cut. The losers were taken back to Magistrates to await a less pleasant end.

Naomi ran outside to throw up. We had always done our best to shield her from the harsher truths about keeping the Emperor's laws, but we were just too pressed for time to do so now. There was no telling what a cornered Tsukai might do, we had to catch him as quickly as possible.

Racing through the streets we made it to the Inn run by the gang where the boss was hiding. I stormed throughthe rice paper door on the outside, tetsubo in hand, not even bothering to open it

The silence was deafening

There was dust on the floor. Only a few tracks in and out. Hear a rattling wheeze from in the back.

“I am here.”

Okay, he's inviting us in? What's he planning? With the Yoriki surrounding the place we moved in. A wasted husk that might have once been human layed on a futon. I'd seen zombies that looked healthier.

“Please, please kill me.”

A bony hand attached to an arm so emaciated it was practically skeletal raised up, beseeching us to end it.

“Summoning an Oni is never a good idea. I guess you see that now.”

“I did not.”

“Why lie at this point.”

“I did not.”

The Kitsuki stepped in.

“Ishigaki-san. You said an Oni must be given a name, but you suggested it does not have to the name of it's summoner, correct?”

“Yeah, if someone can be tricked into giving up their name willingly, or if you own the Name your giving.”

“Own...?”

“Uh-huh. Yeah, a Lord owns the lives of their Samurai, so they could give an Oni the name of one of their vassals, or if a Tsukai saved the life of another person…”

“Like, say, a corrupt magistrate not executing a criminal he caught in exchange for a cut? Would that work?”

...

Motherfucker.

We raced back to the Magistrates.

And walked into hell.

While we were gone Blob-san had taken it upon himself to do his job and execute all the gang members we captured. Now the courtyard was full of porcelain masks. We venerate our Ancestors with every thought and deed. Our souls are born into this world, we live, learn and die. Emma-O then sends our souls to another realmto shed any negative Karma before we are reborn. If we do it right, we're reborn into a higher social caste, and if we get that right, we get to dwell in Yomi, becoming one of the blessed Ancestors ourselves.

Undeath flies in the face of both those things. Cheating Karma, and turning your own Ancestors into abominations. There is nothing more abhorrent. Should you touch dead flesh, and then perish unclean, you willreborn as an Eta. To fight the undead, you must risk your very place in the Celestial Order.

And so it was little surprise that I, and I alone, was unmoved by this ghastly scene. Fortunately, zombies are slow, shambling and weak. They are difficult to put down for good; you must destroy their head or remove theirmask. They feel no pain, hunger, thirst, or fatigue. A severed hand will drag itself with its fingertips and try to grasp and claw. And as I said, they are terrifying to all right thinking Rokugani. As an obstacle, they are a fine choice.

The Yoriki were useless, half of them couldn't even keep a grip on their Yari. Some ran, others were too frightened even to do that. More than a few soiled themselves. My companions were little better off.

I could see the white knuckle grip of the Shiba, trying and failing to draw courage from his Grandfather's soul. The Monkey and the Kitsuki stared with mouths open. Blades forgotten in their sayas. Naomi's legs gave out.A sheen of sweat glistened on the Mantis' brow as he readied his Kama. For once I couldn't bring myself to mock him.

I felt no fear; fear is a sin after all. The magistrate's office had a wall running all around it, with an opening in the front for a gate. Just past the gate was the courtyard. One of the zombies had fallen into the koi pond. I took my place in the center of the open gate, and I readied a Kata taught by the Hida bushi school. I would not be moved, no enemy would pass me. I would become a wall myself.

The grim tide surged at me.

I was surrounded instantly, the rotting things clawing and scrabbling, trying to find purchase on my armor. Theycould not. I paused just long enough to wonder at my serene calm, before I methodically began to raise my Tetsubo and strike. The masks which gave them life acting as targets. Through sheer weight of numbers, the undead were able to get past my armor, but the wounds were little more than shallow scrapes. I knew I would win eventually, even if I had to this all alone. It was only a matter of time.

But then my allies rallied themselves and joined me.

Then something amazing happened.

A torrent of water rushed past me, bowling over a half dozen zombies and tearing great chunks off of them. MyHana-chan, who had never so much as spoken a cross word in all the time I'd known her, was standing there with a scroll in her hand and a snarl on her face. It would seem spitting in the face of the Celestial Order was where she drew the line.

That served to prod even the Yoriki that renamed into motion. Eyes wide with fear, tears and snot running down their faces, they nonetheless took up their Yari and charged. Impaling the zombies on the points of their lances two or three Yoriki would push a zombie to the ground while another or one of my companions stepped in to finish it.

We cleared out the courtyard.

Inside we found Blobtsukai-san. And we saw what he had been buying time to do. Many Tsukai, upon summoning an Oni, get a fairly random result. Often a thing that has yet to ever walk in Ningen-do. The oni then takes it's name and grows in power until the one whose name it bears is consumed. But a Tsukai with knowledge or skill can call forth an Oni that already exists, getting exactly what they want. Blobtsukai-san had called forth a replacement for the Yamauba we killed.

It was an Oni no Tsubaru spawn. How fitting.

“Now take my name demon, and slay these people that want to harm me!”

Oni no Blobtsukai-san teleported over to us. We took too long getting here. Now we were staring down anotherinvulnerable Oni, this one a true monster that would swallow us whole, damning our very souls to an eternity oftorment in it's sizeable gut. I waved the others to step back, and struck it with my Tetsubo. No effect, of course. It reached out with it's massive claws to seize me.

I let it.

I then took the finger of jade I always wore around my neck, held it between my fingers, and punched the Oni. Driving the jade right into it's eye. I did it again. Oni no Tsubaru spawn are too fat to move around on their own.They teleport themselves. They must be able to see where they are going.

As all eyes stared at this turn, the Monkey ran up behind the slightly less fat fuck and put an end to him once and for all. As we were in the magistrate's office, all the jade powder we had prepared was readily available. It took some time, with us darting in and out of the things reach, but being blinded it could not catch us, nor run away.

Two Oni in one day. Not a bad day's work.

Of course there were still questions that needed to be answered. How long had Blobtsukai-san been a Maho-Tsukai? Where did he get such knowledge in the first place? Why the hell would he call for people to come investigate his own crimes? And why were all the bodies dessicated? Even if the Yamauba had gained the power to drain chi, that would have taken time. It would have eaten hearts until then, or perhaps even

continued to do so.

As we sat around a tea pot, mulling over these questions, a memory stirred. There was another time when we ’solved’ a case without getting all the answers. We never did find the Ninja that tricked the teahouse girl into drugging me, nor find out why the hell they would even do that to begin with.

The Mantis snorted, insisting that there were bound to be times where things like that happened. The Monkey, more politely, agreed that I was overthinking things. Naomi just blushed at the memory.

Meanwhile the Kitsuki was practically chewing on the end of his fan, and staring at nothing. I knew his mannerisms enough that I could spot when he was thinking, and he was thinking as hard as I'd ever seen right now.

In the end, we did find two scrolls bearing maho on them. One for the ritual to summon an Oni, and the other for calling forth the undead. Nothing to explain the unnatural desiccation.

We reluctantly concluded that Blobtsukai-san called for Emerald Magistrates as an alibi, a way to preemptively clear himself of any suspicion in this matter. Long ago, when he was still a Yoriki himself, he had caught the man who would become boss of the gang. Blobtsukai-san made the boss an offer. I let you go, you give me intel on the gangs. And so the corrupt Yoriki rose to prominence with the help of his inside man. He became the magistrate, and used the powers of his office to remove the former leaders of the gang, placing his pawn incharge. He then cracked down on all the rival gangs, until only one gang ruled all the vice in the city. And that one gang paid him tribute.

The Kitsuki retired to go over all the old reports and paperwork, double and triple checking everything. He enlisted the Mantis, Monkey, and Shiba to assist conducting interviews with everyone even tangentially related to any of Blobtsukai-san's cases, hunting for the discrepancy that may point to the truth.

I, meanwhile, took my wife on a picnic. Bundling her up in extra layers to keep her warm, we rode out of town aways to sit and be alone together. She fed me slices of cucumber, served me tea, and snuggled up in my lap while playing a konto. It was just too perfect, too adorable, too soothing after everything we had just been through. I couldn't resist, and neither could she. The blood of the Fortune of Fire and Thunder in my veins kept me warm, and my body kept her warm as we made love in the snow. She felt the chill just enough that her nipples could cut steel. We snuggled up under a mountain of blankets and and our kimono's and slept.

I awoke to something being out of place.

I was surprised that my first instinct was no longer 'grab weapon and smash' but rather 'Is Naomi okay?' She was, sleeping soundly. She would stay that way for a while. She had confessed to me that she loved the fact I was able to push her to the limits of her endurance, but also attentive enough that I never pushed her past those limits. As the fog of sleep lifted off of me, I realized what had woken me.

Voices.

There were people nearby. I slid myself slowly on top of Naomi, just in case someone had the bright idea to stab into our little makeshift tent, and listened.

“Damn looks like they ate all the food already.”

“Shit. Slim pickings this winter.”

“We could take the horse, at least. Eat it, if we have to.”

“Where the hell did they go, anyway?”

Bandits.

Great. I guess it's just too much to ask for a nice quite fuck with the wife while everyone else is off doing work. Of course, just because life away from the wall had softened my rougher edges, I was still a Crab. I was never far from a weapon. As I expected, the sight of a 6ft+ man, covered in scars, with long wild hair erupting from the snow and brandishing a tetsubo took them by surprise.

Oh, and I was still stark naked.

I could tell by the looks on their faces that I had won. I began to teach them what happens when you come even a little bit close to threatening my wife. At first, they were overconfident. Emasculated, but overconfident. Then they struck my bare flesh, and saw that a true descendant of Hida can take a blow just fine even without their armor.

“Holy shit that guy never said anything about this!”

Ok, grabbing you now. As the rest run off I pull the mouthy one in real close. (I'm still naked, by the way)

“What did you just say?”

He spilled his guts. Wasn't much, but a dude (no name given, of course) had told this little band of thieves roughly where we would be, and that we would be easy prey. I made him describe the man as best he could. Three times, just to check for discrepancies, as the Kitsuki would. Satisfied, I spilled his guts. Hey, he's a bandit after all. We were just going to execute him anyway.

Glancing back over my shoulder to make sure Naomi was still sleeping (she was), I nudged the bodies away with my tetsubo and kicked fresh snow over the bloodstains. Didn't want her to wake up to that mess. I got dressed, made a nice pot of warm tea, and woke Naomi. Thank the Fortunes she was still groggy and not paying attention. I gave her some tea to warm her up, helped her get dressed so her obi wouldn't be tied in the front (Only whores do that) and got her away from that place as fast as possible without raising her suspicions.

The Kitsuki was excited upon our return.

He had something. A small thing but he was sure it was important. A stranger no one seemed to know had been seen having tea with Blobtsukai-san a few times before the murders began. I pulled him into another room and, after swearing him to secrecy, told him what happened on our little picnic, and what I learned.

I could hear the click from his head as pieces snapped into place. He called a meeting, gathering us all up.He summed up everything we knew about our hidden manipulator, managing to gloss over how exactly he got the info I gave him, and then laid it out in plain Rokugani.

“We have someone, likely a Ninja and probably a Maho-Tsukai who has hated us since we first came together and is trying to manipulate events to kill us! Not only that, but he's probably connected in some way to our superiors!”

“How do you figure that last bit?”

“Because otherwise there would be no point to what happened here in this city. Any group of magistrates might have been sent. He made sure, it was us.”

The Mantis is less than thrilled at this idea.

“Which one of you pissed of the Ninja Blood Sorcerer then? If he had it for us from the day we met, he must have a hate on for one of you from before we met!”

“Sure it's not you he was after?”

“Or course not!”

Try though we might, none of us can think of any enemies that old who could do this. But the Kitsuki is right about him being connected to our superiors in some way.

Time to start mapping out relationships. Stuck in the city we as we were, we were forced to rely on letters and the daring fools that would take letters long distance to begin laying the groundwork for our investigation. Otherwise the time was quite peaceful. I discovered my sweet Hana-Chan had quite a voracious appetite, much to my delight. Perhaps those long years of being starved for true love by her family contributed to this.

In the middle of winter, the Kitsuki's sensei showed up. I walked into our new headquarters, the former magistrates offices, one day to see him doing a full dogeza before a white haired old man and getting a fairly nasty tongue lashing. The words ‘your ancestors are weeping’ were used.

Nope. Not touching that.

I went to the kitchen to get some rice balls. When Kitsuki stumbled in, I proffered one and asked what the hell that was all about. Did he get pissed we were snooping on our superiors?

“No, he dosen't know about that so could you keep it down?”

“Then what…”

“He's upset with my Kenjutsu.”

“Hah?”

“He left from the Dragon lands about the same time you got back from your pilgrimage. He knows nothing about what happened in this city yet. But it would seem everyone thinks my Kenjutsu is horrible, and that as a magistrate I should be able to defend myself better. But am I really that bad?”

“Ummm. You're worse than me.”

“Well, it looks like you all will have to take over the investigation. I'm going to be getting some ‘special training’ from Sensei.”

“...that sounds…”

“Don’t. Even. Say. It.”

I chuckled as I left.

Time passed.

Sensei was pretty damn rough. I happened upon Kisuki-san in the bath once, and he was covered in welts andbruises. If I didn't know any better I'd swear he was learning Mountain Does not Move. Apparently Sensei's ‘Special Training’ boiled down to ‘Beat my student until he learns to get out of the way.’

“You sure this guy isn't a Crab? Because these training methods seem familiar.”

The monkey snickered at this.

“Maybe an Oni stole Kitsuki-san's sensei's skin!”

Kitsuki bolts upright.

“Ishigaki-san, You did say something about skin stealers, yes?”

“Um... yeah. Bog hags are the most common type but some shadowlands creatures can flay a person and wear their skin as a disguise…”

“Would they still be vulnerable to jade?”

“Yeah, the skin gets tainted after being worn for long enough, so the Jade will still burn.”

Later that night…

“You tainted bastard!”

Screaming.

WHAM

“The fuck are you doing.”

I exchange a glance with Naomi. What the actual fuck is going on. We rush to see what's happening. Kitsuki, Mantis and Sensei are there. Sensei is on the ground, clutching his abdomen. Sensei's face is green. Kitsuki and Mantis are looking confused.

“Explain this shit.”

Kitsuki-san, considering how strange it is that someone would set out on a journey so far and so close to Winter, and factoring in our faceless nemesis with ties to our superiors, came to suspect his own sensei. So a test of Jade was in order.

“Alright, so far I can see where you're coming from. But why is his face green?”

Knowing that Sensei was also a Kitsuki, Kitsuki-san felt there was no hope of being able to do this discreetly. Sensei's eyes see all.

“So... why is his face green.”

Kitsuki-san and Mantis asked Sensei to come to the room being used as a dojo. They waited just behind the door. When sensei opened the door, Mantis used the element of surprise to throw jade powder at sensei. Thensensei screamed, so Kitsuki hit him with a bokken.

“Of course I screamed you colossal dunce! You threw a powdered mineral into my eyes!”

It's true that Kitsuki-san did make logical leaps and conclusion jumps from time to time. But he was usually right, or very close to it.

This time though…

This time…

Naomi tended to Sensei's injury as I helped him to his feet. As we were already touching, I went ahead and pulled him in close. Conspiratorial whispering intensifies.

“Look at it this way, you know and I know a real battle isn't like a Kenjutsu match in a dojo, right? Why don't you just write this off as him trying some real life trick to make up for his lack of skill?”

Sensei, clearly displeased by my arm around his shoulder, considered.

“Fine. take your hand off me.”

Whew. The rest of that winter passed without incident. Kitsuki-san's swordsmanship noticeably improved.

As the first weeks of spring roll in, Monkey gets a letter from back home. Good news everyone! You're getting married!

“Congratulations, Monkey! I'm sure you'll make a fine little housewife!”

Monkey sits there with a thousand yard stare.

“I'm sure you'll make a fine little housewife.”

Monkey sits there with a thousand yard stare. I poke him.

“Monkey.”

Poke.

“Monkey.”

Another poke.

“You're a woman, monkey.”

Monkey sits there with thousand yard stare.

“Okay, so I'm just...going...to take...this letter... out of your hands here…”

“Where are we going now?”

We pack up our things, acquire a palanquin for Naomi so the journey is easier on her and head back to the Monkey's home. Eventually, with enough needling from everyone else, the Monkey admits he hates his fiance. Considering how my married life has been going, I find that a bit silly. I set to work telling him how great it is.

“No, you don't understand! She hated me first! She doesn't want to get married to me, and is making my life hell so I'll call it off!”

“Uh. So why don't you?”

“How else am I going to find a wife? My family owns one, one rice paddy!”

“Hey at least you're holding is producing, all I've got is a hole in the ground. Look, you're worrying about nothing. Just relax and let the love master teach you everything you need to know to melt a woman's heart!”

“And after she kicks you in the junk for following a Crab's advice, you could turn to me.”

Kitsuki-san seems to have recovered from sensei's ‘lessons’ if he's joining in the banter again.

“I am far more eloquent, after all.”

That night. Eating dinner. Naomi asks to speak with me.

“Yeah?”

“So... um. I'm late.”

“Late? for what?”

“No, Ishigaki-kun. I'm. LATE. By about two months…”

“Are… are you...”

Being at a loss for words is not a new experience for me. Being so happy I can't speak properly however, is. I once bragged about how great a samurai I would become at the School, and so my Sensei gave me a nice heavy log to carry on my back as I ran around said school. After all, this is nothing to a great Samurai. I ran until my head went light and my knees turned to jelly.

This was the same feeling, only it was very pleasant. I looked up at Naomi with the biggest, dopiest grin I've ever worn. Not sure when I sat down, but I must have because my ass was firmly planted on the ground.

“C'mere you.”

Snag.

“Kyah!”

Cuddle.

“Ishigaki-kun everyone is staring!”

“Let them. They're just jealous I have the best wife in Rokugan, and now I'm going to be a father!”

Surprise from the rest of the party, since I said it loud enough for them to hear. Congratulations intensify.Naomi is worried about what her brother said.

“Hey! Hey. You're going to be okay. Kuni-san is working on some things right now, and we're bound by the red string of fate now. In this life and the next, I will love you. My strength is your strength; your strength is my strength.”

She smiles, allowing herself to be reassured.

We reach the Monkey house. The Monkey family is a about what you would expect from some Toku bushi.His dad looks, dresses, and even speaks like a farmer. Only the wakizashi tucked into his obi gives away any sign of his status. His mother, at first glance, seemed a serene housewife. But the callouses on her hand and the faint scar on her chin spoke of a time when she was a Samurai-ko, before her marriage. From the way she moved I could tell she continued to practice her Kata daily.

Now to meet the fiance. Let's see what all this fuss is about. And she gives a polite greeting. Very formal, perfect etiquette. Already wearing a kimono in the Monkey clan's colors, so I've no clue which clan she came from. Give the monkey a quizzical look. He's gone pale and is sweating bullets. Introductions get passed around.

“...and this is Hida Naomi…”

I suddenly feel on edge

“...Ishigaki-san's wife.”

...and the feeling is gone.

Dinner time. Plain ass rice. One tiny fish, mostly bones. Three slices of cucumber.

I contemplate how rude it would be to add some of my travel rations to my plate. As is often the case when contemplating matters of etiquette, if I want to do it I probably shouldn't.

Dinner conversation. I can engage in polite small talk without embarrassing everyone around me now. Play dumb and keep with the small talk whenever anyone tries to get me to speak of weightier things. Fiance has some questions for me though. And Naomi. She want's to know all about married life, how we met, who arranged our marriage. Very much interested in the business side of things. You know, the part we skipped over because we were genuinely in love.

Monkey's parents smiled at that confession and shared a glance. Fiance covered her mouth with her hand anddidn't speak to either me or Naomi the rest of the night. In the morning we learn we're going to the castle of theMonkey's lord. This is, it turns out, a big to do. Lots of strings were pulled, many favors exchanged to get this Monkey engaged.

To a Shinjo woman.

Despite her family being known for producing bushi, there were no callouses on her hands. Her skin was quite creamy, so she clearly spent little time outdoors. I was surprised to learn a pampered Hime-san could come out of the Unicorn clan.

After entering the castle, we bathed to wash the dust from the road off. Then met back up for tea. Naomi was blushing all the way to the tips of her ears when she came back from the baths. She saw me look, gave a little not now head shake.

Hime-san is sitting next to the Monkey. He's staring at his food. Whenever a serving girl comes over to add a new dish, I get that weird sense of danger. It always leaves as quickly as it came, but I can tell I'm not the only one who feels it. The serving girls are almost rude in their haste to leave the table.

Okay… I think I see what's going on here.

That night. Me and Naomi.

“So what was it that had you blushing so bad?”

“She's just... well…”

Naomi was not one to speak ill of others. I gave her shoulder a squeeze to encourage her to let her feelings out.

“She's so...rude.”

How scathing.

“She kept questioning about what it was ‘really’ like being married to you! She called you a brute! She insinuated that I must be miserable having to... to... you know. Stuff. Bed.”

Naomi mumbles some more, and blushes..

Yeah, stuff. Bed. We're a pair of kinky degenerates after all. But if she keeps being that adorable I may have to do some more bed stuff with her.

“I had to leave before I slapped her!”

Whoa.

Naomi was serious. She saw my surprise

“Well, she was speaking badly of you. I did not like that.”

That's it, switch flipped. Bed. Stuff. Now. Naomi yelps.

“What about…”

“They're just going to have to learn to deal with it. This is happening.”

Naomi giggles.

“You are so bad!”

A new day dawns.

Sitting down with everyone I lay out what I think is happening.

“Hime-san has it in her head that marriages are never happy affairs. And she's making it clear that if she isn't happy, you don't get to be happy. She seems to think that sex is the only thing that makes you happy, which is why she gives that discreet aura of menace off whenever a woman gets near you.”

“And how in the hell do you even know that?”

Shiba is the one to cover for me.

“It makes sense given what she's done so far.”

The shock value of him speaking up alone is enough to quell any further questions.

“So what do we do?”

“What do you mean we? This is your problem Monkey.”

“Wait no guys, c’mon help me out here! You gotta do something! Anything!”

“Look, just convince her she's wrong.”

“How?!”

“Holy shit do I have to draw you a map? She thinks sex is only fun for men, that's why she's so pissed. She sees herself being treated like a brood mare. So woo her. Or give some great sex! Either way, convince her you see her as more than an more than a incubator for your children!”

Naomi blushes.

That night four adult men and one adult woman were crouched in the bushes of the palace garden.

“I cannot believe we are doing this.”

“Shh, Naomi. You want them to hear us?”

We watched from our hiding spot as Monkey tried to court Hime-san.

“Why won't you believe me? I'm telling you I don't think of you that way!”

He had just spoken plainly. It was going as well as you would imagine.

“Hah! Your lord arranged this marriage, then spent years giving you prestigious posts you don't even deserve to keep my family from realizing how bad an idea this is!”

Ouch.

“Or are you really trying to suggest that you love me? This is only the third time we've met!”

Oof.

“Of course I do not love you! I don't even know you! But we can respect one another, can't we?”

“You speak of respect? You expect me to stay in that hovel and watch over your rice paddy while you go out drinking in the arms of Geisha every night! You expect me to sit at home and get fat with child while you claim credit for your friends hard work to glorify your own name!”

Yamate! Yamate Hime-san! He's already dead!

“For that matter, everyone just expects it of me to bear children! No one ever bothered to ask if I even WANT children, let alone what it takes to make one! And you have the brazen GALL to speak to me of Respect!”

“It..it's okay if you don't want kids. I won't force you or anything…”

“Oh how gracious of you! And you will announce this to everyone at the ceremony then? So that others know not to press the issue with gossip and barbed questions?”

Hime-san would know all about barbed questions, clearly. I actually felt sorry for the bad luck Monkey. Caught between his duty to his lord and this vindictive woman. Angry at the world and lashing out at the nearest target.Naomi tugged on my sleeve. With a nod of her head she suggested we leave. And so we did.

As we sat around the teapot the Mantis voiced the question in all our heads

“Why are we trying to help the Monkey with his relationship woes, again? Aren't there bandits or something we could be killing?”

Now that he says that, it has been a while since we've been in a fight. Perhaps I should check my riceball for Ninjas. Naomi looked around.

“Have we not shared triumph and tragedy together? Are we not joined by a common bond or duty and of friendship? Of course we should help him with his woes; he is our friend.”

“And? How do you propose we do that, exactly?”

I didn't find any Ninjas in my riceball. I found the lack of riceball Ninjas deeply suspicious. I examined another riceball, just to be sure. That's when I realized Naomi had been staring at me.

“What?”

I swiped a hand at my beard, in case some rice had fallen into it.

“Ishigaki-kun, do you really not see?”

“See what.. Ninjas?”

“Nin.. No. I am not going to ask. The root of the problem is that Hime-san is under the impression that becausecertain things are expected of her, they could not make her happy. It is simply the apparent lack of choice she takes issue with.”

The Monkey threw himself down before Naomi.

“Oh great Naomi-sama! Please! This one begs you to speak to Hime-san! Convince her of your wisdom, I beg of you!”

Well that was the most absurd thing I'll see all day. Naomi looked at me. I looked at her. Everyone looked at her.

Naomi sighed.

Three days later, the Monkey was married.

They aren't head over heels in love like me and my Hana-Chan. But the Monkey is not suicidal. They have a more... traditional marriage then we do. I don't pry about children To this day, Naomi has never shared with me what exactly she said to change Hime-san's mind so drastically.

Wake up. Naomi snuggled in against my chest. My stomach feels a bit wet…

Oh no did she cough up blood in her sleep again?

Lift her gently. It's white…

...wait.

Look at Naomi's breasts. Huh. Making milk already. Naomi's eyes open up, half lidded and groggy.

“Isegakiku? Wha..?”

“Oh, it's nothing. “

Wipe wipe.

“You may want to wipe your chest before you get dressed.”

She looks down. Gives an embarrassed squeak. I go and get us breakfast, bring it back to the room. As I'm walking back I realize we've got a situation on our hands. Soon enough she's going to start to show. We're going to have to take some time off soon. And get her back to my home.

Bring all this up as we eat.

“Where is your home Ishigaki-kun?”

“It's just a small house, tucked away in the foothills north of the wall. There was a village once, Ishigaki Mura, when the mine was still operational. It's abandoned know though.”

Naomi arches an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I took my adult name from the village. So?”

She giggled at my defensiveness.

“It's a good name, Ishigaki-kun. Suits you perfectly.”

We speak with our superior, and explain the situation. He nods. Of course we must return to my home and prepare for the birth of our first child. Send a letter off ahead of us, I've no idea what shape the house is even in after being unused all this time. Wrangle my construction cr... brave friends to come along. Get another palanquin. Off we go, to my perfectly safe and secure and sunshiny home. Nothing could go wrong a week's ride from the Wall, right?

We are met at the border to the Crab lands by a dour looking patrol. Their officer dismounts. Chu-i by her sashimono. Looks me up and down. Her nose wrinkles up like she smelled something bad. My beard is trimmed. My hair washed. My armor is clean, polished, and dent-free. Realize what her problem is.

I’ve become a geisha.

She looks over the others. They squirm a bit. They really didn't like the idea of donning their armor while on theroad. An armored Samurai going anywhere is almost a declaration of war. But not here. Wearing your armor is a matter of course. She sniffs dismissively. Looks in the Palanquin. Hushed questions. Answers even I can't hear. She come back, handing me back the papers. There's a genuine smile on her face now.Yells to her men.

“This man came home with a pregnant wife!”

Cheers. I can only imagine how red Naomi must be in there. But a birth is a joyous occasion. Whole villages will take a day off to celebrate a single child being born. She's going to get lot's of attention, whether she wantsit or not. We get as much of an escort as the Patrols can spare, which isn't much. But it's enough. If there was anyone or anything contemplating attacking us, our honor guard dissuaded them from doing so.

At last we see it. My home. The village is gone, just a few skeletal frames fallen down and rotting. The hill where the mine entrance was is off in the distance. I can see the large boulder in front of it. The ropes and the sutra are still in place. Nothing will come up from that hole again, at least.

My house is so plain it's almost comical. A simple walkway around a rectangle of building. All very classic and easy to imagine. A ‘garden’ out back with some hardy grass, an empty pond, and one big rock. I used to punchthat rock to toughen up my hands for Jujitsu. My friends managed to keep neutral faces. Naomi, however, was peering about from within her palanquin with great interest.

I rattled up to the entrance. To my great relief I see that the house, despite me not living in it for so long, is not a ramshackle dump. Spot a pair of sandals already in the foyer. The right one is showing wear all along the left side.

I know whose sandal that is.

“Toshiro get out here you bastard!”

The party jumps.

Step.Thumpdrag.Step.Thumpdrag.Step.Thumpdrag.

Kuni Toshiro, my friend from long ago, comes to stand in the doorway of my house. He is a true Crab. We understand one another so deeply we do not even need to speak out loud to communicate with one another.His right leg is twisted at an odd angle, giving him a club foot. An old wound earned on the Wall. I was there when it happened, and I'm amazed he still has any leg at all. He is wearing his face paint, or course. He never

takes it off. He says it is polite. Considering his face is more scared than mine, he's probably right.

We stare at one another just long enough for my comrades to wonder if there is going to be fight before we break out laughing. I knew why he didn't come out to greet us, and he knew I knew. We planned a joke to play on my friends without even seeing each others faces.

“Everyone, this is Kuni Toshiro-san. My best friend. Come on in.”

I help Naomi out of the palanquin. Toshiro thumpdrags himself over.

“So this is the woman who stole your heart eh?”

He peers up at me.

“You do look much more...alive than last I saw you.”

We retire for the evening, with warm food, fine Crab sake (warm milk for Naomi) and Toshiro entertains us all with stories from the Wall. Lighthearted things about daily life and social mishaps, not stories of the darkness that waits just beyond the firelight.

I wake up.

No. It's nothing. There is nothing there to disturb my sleep. Yet I am disturbed. I slip out of Naomi's arms, tuck her in gently, and don my armor. I take my tetsubo in hand and walk around my home. I crack open doors and peek in on my friends. None of them are in armor. None of them stir.

I know why I cannot sleep.

I step outside onto the walkway. Toshiro is there. He looks at me, giving a half smirk half laugh. Just a hint of mockery. I know what he means. The wall is not far from here. The shadowlands lies just beyond. I have brought people born and raised in Rokugan to the very gates of Hell, where nothing is as they think it should be. That lack of understanding could kill them. It could kill my beloved wife, and our unborn child. Of course I am restless.

As we walk our patrol, Toshiro opens a few doors. He looks at the sutra he has placed there. I know this spell. It is a ward. Should a thing with the taint try to cross those barriers they will burst into flames. I have seen him use it many, many times. I nod my thanks.

We finish our patrol and he produces a small bottle of sake. Yes, it time for me to get off duty and back to sleep.We drink. I return to my wife.

Naomi asked to be taken around the area, she wished to see all of her new home.

“There's just some fallen buildings and an old mine.”

“That large rock, yes?”

“Yeah.”

“That was a seal, Ishigaki.”

“Crap.”

I can hear the others ears prick up. Okay, grand tour for everyone. I take them to the "village" I point out where the inn was, for Samurai on their way to or from the wall. The small the hill on which I stood, daring the other

children to come knock me off. None of them could.

I took them to the mine. I told Naomi to stay well back, just in case. And I told them of the night my family died. The night I got the scar on my face. The night I couldn't protect the people who entrusted their lives to me. The night Ishigaki Mura ceased to exist. It was hardly an uncommon story among the Crab. Many have suffered loss in my Clan. It's one reason I never brought it up.

Naomi, of course, was in tears. The others seemed to be taken aback as well. And there is the other reason I never brought it up. Such is part of life for a Crab, such is nigh unthinkable for one outside our Clan. I told themthe Kuni who placed that seal assured me that nothing would able to use the mine again. That so long as that boulder stood the mine was safe, and the taint would spread no farther. Toshiro echoed that. My friends took a few steps back anyway.

Good.

They're learning.

Naomi was well along when I spotted a goblin. The summer’s heat was just starting to give way to fall when a furtive shadow ducked down into the rotting remains of a house. I moved quickly, then softened my tread. Keeping my breathing even I moved up. The thing heard me, it lept from it's hiding spot and tried to run.

I chased it down and killed it. One tiny little goblin. Naked save for the mud and shit caked on to it's body.

But the tanto it carried was sharp.

I thought of Naomi, belly heavy with child. Her illness was making this last part difficult. She had little strength, and didn't move around much on her own. I went back to get the others. I wanted to do a thorough search of the area. Toshiro stayed behind to watch over her. His Earth magic had been a great help to ease her burdens.And he had managed to improve upon her medicine. Naomi insisted it was my love that made her illness seemless severe.

As we hunted I wondered what good my love had done. Despite my earlier words, she was now clearly unwell.The things her brother said to me came back to haunt me.

“HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIII!”

The Mantis had found something. Goblin tracks. The Kitsuki was already studying them.

“A half dozen, trying to avoid notice. They're moving away, and there aren't many.”

“So, why not just let them go.”

The Mantis, of course. Showing just how far from their parent Clan they have fallen.

I held up the tanto.

“One little Goblin can do a lot of damage if it sneaks into the right place.”

Mantis shrugs.

“This is your home, we'll do what you think is best.”

“We pursue.”

The goblins are quick, but we manage to overtake them. The fight is short, and brutal. Goblins do not fare well in open combat. We return to my home, we bath and Toshiro tosses some salt and purifies us. I hold my wife. A

bone deep fear like I've never felt before weighing down on my limbs.

I'm sitting on the walkway, overlooking the garden. Naomi is in the room behind me, bundled up under a pile of blankets. The door is open because the crisp autumn air helps her to breath easier. Toshiro is there. He has asked the fire Kami to keep her warm. Despite earth being his element, he has an understanding with the fire Kami as well. I know that the Kami of fire are excitable and can get easily carried away, but Toshiro handles them well. Had it been anyone other than him, I would have insisted on more mundane means of warming her, lest her blankets burst into flame.

The thought darkens my mood. I hear a grunt over my shoulder. Toshiro is scowling at me. Naomi stirs fitfully. It is both a blessing and a curse to have people so close to you they can read your mind. I breath deeply, tryingout the meditation techniques Shiba-san taught me before he was recalled by his Clan. Something about Yojimbo being Yojimbo, not magistrates.

Yes, Naomi was no longer a Phoenix. She was a Crab. Therefore she was no longer Shiba-san's concern. I smelled her father's hand at work. I said a silent prayer to whatever fortune might be listening that Shiba-san be spared any further malice from that man. No, not you dirty kansen fucks. Shoo. I didn't really know if there were any Kansen around. I doubted it, as I'm sure Toshiro had done his best to make my inhospitable to them. But still, better safe than sorry.

A low rumble reached my ears. I looked up. No clouds. The Kitsuki came outside.

“You hear that, Ishigaki-san”

“Hai.”

Toshiro looked up.

“Horses?”

“Must be.”

We walked around the outside of the house until we spotted the dust cloud. “Ten... no... Twelve.”

I had always thought myself observant, but the Kistuki was on a whole different level. When we first met we were equals. Now I was in awe of the clarity of his vision, so refined by his School. The came up to us, horses whipped into a lather.

One fell from his saddle and bled on my lawn.

The rest of the group were little better off. All bore heavy wounds. Some looked fatal. Toshiro looked at them indismay. I knew his ability with the water kami was very basic. Toshiro was a simple shugenja. He destroyed theenemies of our Clan with fire and Jade. He could not help all these wounded Crab. The leader slid, almost fell of her horse.

“Please. My men…”

I caught her before she could hit the ground. It was the Chu-i from before. I closed my eyes.

Chikusho.Chikusho.Chikusho.Chikusho.Chikusho.Chikusho.

I knew what I had to do. She would never forgive me for turning these people away, or for offering only bandages and water.

“Follow me, carry anyone who can't walk.”

I took them to my wife. Naomi looked up from where she sat as we came around the corner. Her face was flush. I sat next to her and placed my forehead to hers.

Fever.

Chikusho.

The Kistuki had gathered everyone. Wounds that still bleed were dressed, water was given. Toshiro knelt beside Naomi. He could not save all those Crabs, but he could help ease the burden she was placing on herself. The wounded were brought before Naomi. The man who fell first.

But he was already gone.

Naomi choked back her tears as she shook her head. Of the twelve riders that came, two perished. The rest were saved.

And my wife lost consciousness from the strain.

Chikusho.

I'm beating my fist into my old punching rock.

I'm doing this because I am furious, and I need an outlet for this rage. Ten of my kinsmen, all of them on death's door saved.But it may have cost the life of my wife and soon to be born child.

I am angry at these Crabs that came here.I am angry at Toshiro, for not being able to save them himself, or for not being able to help Naomi more.I am angry at myself for allowing this.I am angry at Naomi because her kind heart would allow no other outcome.

But some part of me retains enough sense to know that is not fair. Not to any of those people. And so I punish myself for my inappropriate anger. My friends seem nervous. I have never lost my composure so severely in front of them. In fact, most of the times I did ‘lose my face’ it was an act to scare someone into being more cooperative.

This time I am genuinely out of control, and they know it.

I see Toshiro speak to them. The look a little relieved and go back inside. I cannot hear his words. All I can hear is the blood roaring in my ears as my heart pounds. I lose my balance as my fist slips off the rock. I fall face first in the dirt. Toshiro sits down next to me. I can see his clubbed foot.

“You done now?”

“I think so.”

“Good. Sit up. Baka.”

I do. He takes my bleeding hands and begins to pray. The water kami feel different from when Naomi does it. She gives a slow, gentle, inexorable feeling of life itself filling you. Toshiro's Kami are more like being bent overand having life rammed into you whether you are ready or not. It hurts, even as you are being healed. I think