IIK0V 'E SCIENCE MAGAZINE FOR IDIOTS FEBRUARY 19:

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WHERE TH:

TOOL ND D E MA AZIN

THE MIT HUMOR MAGAZINESpring 1985

Published every term sometimesNumber 3

StaffAndrew mAcDonald '88Adam bErnard '86Steve sHerwood '87Mark jOhnson '88Louis sOloff '88Jennifer sOlomon '86Charles fOrsythe '87

Contributors

William hErlan '86uNknown '8?John jUliano '85

EDITORIALTool & Die Magazine recognizes a crippling deficien-cy in the existing ordinary magazine format. On the

inside of the magazine there is typically a cover sto-ry or editorial such as this one, which relates to thepicture on the cover. However, the reader cannot seethe cover while he is reading it! Having to switchback and forth between the two pages is an unneces-sary hassle. Well, the innovative forces at' Tool &Die have given rise to the format you see beforeyou. The cover is on page three and an inconsequen-tial substitute is on the front. We think that this for-mat will catch on in no time, and soon even Time'sMan of the Year will appear on page three. Just re-member you saw it here first.

Printed by the Charles River Publishing Co.

Thanks to:Ronald Becker and Carl LaCombe of The Tech for typesetting andhelping to cut out little circlesFinboard for financial assistance (you are going help pay for this,aren't you?)Anyone who reads this without falling asleep

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no pr-

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Love and Te hno 0ojgy

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TOO L AND DIE MA GAZINE

PHOTO ESSAYQuestion: What would youdo to improve MIT?

Cat:"

Interdepartmental mailbox: "Don't allow anymore visitors to MIT. They keep stuffing trash

A9 in me."

Fire Hose: "Banish Senior house. Those peo-ple worry me."

Escher Painting: "We need some better archi-tecture at MIT. How about an inside-outbathroom?"

Turbine engine: "Improve commons food.The Jell-o in Lobdell is really death."

Spring 19854

TOOL A N D DIE M A G A Z I N E

DON'T LET FIRE CLAIM YOUR LANDSCAPE!

SAFETY PINES®FIREPROOF TREES

Most trees will spontaneouslycombust at temperatures wellbelow what can occur ineven a small forest fire. SafetyPines® are specially treatedso that worries of losing yourfavorite greenery will be over.They are even available in awide variety of decorator col- A

8- //

ors.

Remember: Forest fires start in the home!

Dot-to-det puzzle

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Next Element DiscoveredThe 106th element was discovered last month in adiscarded aluminum can on Ames Street. Accordingto the exuberant scientists who are experimentingon the new element, the discoverer is unidentified,so it will be given the symbol Oh and be called theelement of Surprise.

Heathen Game Claims Another LifeAndy Jones, described by his parents and friends as"amiable but reclusive," and by his enemies as "aspineless rat," disappeared lastas a result of playing the gameons- and is believed dead. Arevealed: "he said he was goingto search for the lost treasure ofappeared in a puff of smoke."the game for it's pagan influencesaid that she had suspected her

week- apparentlyDungeons & Drag-fellow game playerto the astral planeAbernath, and dis-Mrs.Jones decriedon youngsters, andson was losing his

grip on reality when he started dismembering neigh-borhood virgins for sacrafice. His friends were alsodeeply disturbed by the occurrence, especially since"he forgot his magic battle-axe."

Hard Times for Local ManufacturerNot everyone is benefitting from the economic re-covery. Local magnate Alvin Smith claims that thecoathanger industry is suffering a glut which dwarfsthe problems of OPEC or the steel industry. Smithsays that he was expecting a sales boost from therecent trend in clothing sales, but the increases nev-er materialised due to an unforeseen cultural, shock.As Smith put it, "People just all of a suddenstopped hanging up their clothes!"Smith says that he has had to lay off 38 steel work-ers, 27 hanger-plastic engineers, ten sales represen-

News Briefstatives, and more than eight of the people "who

make the cardboard tubies for pants hangers." Mil-lions of hangers are wasting away in warehouses-"and all of the poor people in Ethiopia with noth-ing to hang their clothes on- it's terrible!" addedSmith. Depressed prices could spell danger for theindustry.

Flutie Upset Over PublicityDoug Flutie, quarterback for Boston College, statedin a private interview that he was upset over thelack of attention he has been getting from the newsmedia. "It's just not fair," he said, "I'm playing de-cent and they're ignoring me! I'm cute and I'mshort and they still won't pay any attention. Evenhaving some friends down the hall steal my helmetdidn't work. I'll never get drafted by a goodteam. . ." After some wining and complaining Flu-tie regained his composure and became philosophi-cal, saying "I guess I wouldn't be too good at Cokecommercials anyway,"

Nancy & Lucky ResignAs executive reshuffling continues, this week NancyReagan and the Reagan's dog Lucky jointly an-nounced their resignations. Mrs.Reagan said, "I'veworked with Ron ever since he was California gov-ernor and it's time fora change. There are no hardfeelings." She will continue to live at the WhiteHouse but plans to "vacation, and, also to combatteenage drug use by becoming an undercover nar-cotics officer." Rumors have been stoutly deniedthat Mr.Reagan is considering appointing AnneBurford as honorary First Lady. Lucky, the Rea-gan's black terrier, was unavailable for commentbut allegedly has decided that he can make moremoney on the lecture circuit.

Spring 19855

News Briefs News Briefs

TOO L A N D D I E M A G AY Z IN E

NATIONAL CRISISAccording to our double agents in the pentagon, Secretary of Defense Weinberger has just learned that he issupporting the contras in Nicaragua. We at Tool & Die feel that this is U.S. fascist imperialism, and inresponse, we are revolting and have appealed to the Nicaraguan government for financial support. If you areinterested in joining us, take the following test, and mail your results to us.

R.A.T.Revolutionary Aptitude Test

Answer the following questions and then scoreyourself to find your revolutionary aptitude. Betruthful--cheaters will be shot at dawn.1) I process my food with:

a) a French chefb) cooking utensilsc) a Vegematicd) an AK47 rifle

2) My favorite U.S.politician is:a) Lyndon LaRouche Jr.b) I don't like politiciansc) Alan Cranston

d) Jesse Jackson3) I would win a war with:

a) a neutron bombb) superior tacticsc) a little help from my friendsd) the best offense is a good defense

4) The best way to torture a peasant is:a) wear all plaids while questioning himb) make him read Tool & Die magazinec) use Chinese water tortured) use repeated fake executions

5) ERA stands for:a) Eastern Railways Associationb) Earned Run Averagec) Equal Rights Amendmentd) Execute Reagan's Aides

6) A woman's place-is in the:a) haremb) kitchenc) post officed) trenches

7) Ronald Reagan is:a) the greatest thing that ever happened to

the United Statesb) the name of the fortieth Chief Executive

of the United Statesc) the star of the Santa Fe Traild) a political anomaly caused by the misedu-

cation of the masses8) For Christmas I want a:

a) BMWb) cardigan sweaterc) plaid necktied) gas mask

9) I never leave home without my:a) American Express Gold Cardb) Briefcasec) Checkbookd) Machete

10) The worst betrayal in history was whena) Benedict Arnold went over to the Britishb) Matahari went to the Germansc) Herschel Walker signed with the USFLd) Kruschev recalled the missiles from Cuba

11) I love trees because they are a good place to:a) get lumberb) study wildlifec) use as a base in hide-and-seekd) set up a sniper base from which to attack

and harrow retreating fascist, imperialistgovernment forces.

12) Fidel Castro was a good man:a) until he was bornb) until he became a guerrillac) until he overthrew Cubad) is a good man, and always will be a good

man! Viva la Revolution!13) My favorite organization is:

a) C.I.A.b) N.R.A.c) F.D.A.d) I.R.A.

14) My favorite holiday is:a) Thanksgivingb) Christmasc) Easterd) May Day

15) If I were President, I would:a) outlaw Russiab) send men to Marsc) make Arbor day a national holidayd) mobilize the armed forces, declare mar-

tial law, and establish a Communist dicta-torship of the Proletariat.

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16) What should we do with the Soviets?a) Nuke 'em.b) Contain them.c) Negotiate with them.d) Join them.(If you can't beat 'em . ..

17) I go to college to:a) learn to make moneyb) become educatedc) partyd) avoid the draft and learn techniques for

overthrowing the Bourgeois State.

Word Associations:

18) Communist:a) atheistb) pinkoc) bad guyd) mother

19) Water:a) Singing in the Rainb) acid rainc) Purple Raind) yellow rain

20) Tanks:a) M-1, M60b) Sherman, Tigerc) you're welcomed) T-34

21) Bomb:a) bargaining chipb) explosive devicec) Attack of the Killer Tomatoesd) what I sent to Margaret Thatcher

22) Life:a) magazineb) board gamec) cereal that Mikey likesd) sacrifice for the cause

23) Revolution:a) 360 degreesb) approximately 6.28 radiansc) Prince and thed) overthrowing imperialist regimes through

popular uprising24) James Watt

a) corporate saviorb) irventor of the steam enginec) on second, and Who's on firstd) imperialist forest burner

25) Volkswagon:a) import stealing America's jobsb) German carc) Herbie the Love Bugd) People's Car

CIA TERRORIST MANUALRELEASED

The CIA terrorism guide is finalv available, and we willsend you a FREE COPY if you pass the R.A.T. This mar-vellous book is a must for all aspiring terrrorists and thirdworld revolutionaries. It is organized in a tutorial format,with chapters on guerilla tactics, salting farmland, batter-ing peasants into submission, propaganda, maintainingtroop loyalty, slaughtering livestock, burning and pillag-ing, rifle and grenade scare tactics, and a primer on for-eign customs and manners. In addition there is an appen-dix on distinguishing friend from foe. Also included in themanual are exercises with solutions in the back. Some ofthe tactics presented:

- Shoot all trees. They may be hiding enemy guerillas.- Remove the roof of one peasant's domicile. Shovel

manure from his livestock into his home.Mash theanimals into a paste and use this to cement the roofback on. This will set an example for others.

- Tell locals their shoes are untied.- Or, tell one there is a spot on his shirt, and thwap

him in the face when he looks to see.- If your boots are worn, resole them with peasants'

shirts. Look for peasants with clean shirts.- When burning villages, be sure to rescue any Ameri-

can flags that might be present. Don't allow them totouch the ground!

- Make the villagers wear ugly neckties.- For fun, have a hog swallow a hand grenade and

shoo it into it's owner's home.Although much of the material presented only applies toCentral American revolution, some can be adapted to do-mestic revolution as well. It is a cogent and thorough, ifpoorly written, introduction to terrorism.

After answering all of the questions, score your-self by giving yourself one point for each 'a', twofor each 'b', three for each 'c', and four for each'd'.Score:25-35

36-60

61-90

91-100

-- Loves status quo. Will be the firstagainst the wall when the revolutioncomes.

-- Too used to status quo to spend lifein foxholes. The only thing you wouldrevolt against would be red wine withfish.

-- The 9 to 5 revolutionary. Youwouldn't mind revolting if you couldwear deely-boppers and listen to thetop 40.

-- Viva! A true revolutionary! Brush upon your Spanish; you should be onthe first plane to Central America!

Spring 19857

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T 0 0 L AND DIE MAGAZINE

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TOOL AND DIE MA GA Z IN E

ASK DR. RALPHDear Dr. Ralph:My brother and I have a little question that wewould like answered. He says that the fastest mam-mal in the world is the cheetah. I say it is the ga-zelle. Who is right?

-Worried SickDear Worried:Neither of you is correct. The fastest mammal inthe world is the rabbit. It is also the world's loosest.But seriously, the rabbit is very fast. While no defi-nite figures can be given, it is widely held in the aca-demic that while being chased by Br'er Fox, Br'erRabbit once reached speeds approaching 125 mph.That's faster than a Goose Gossage fastball. Wow!

-Dr. Ralph

Dear Dr. Ralph:Yesterday afternoon my Wombat (family Vombati-dae), typically gregarious by nature, suddenly tookto sitting alone in the chieroscoro salle d'attente ofmy domicile, ruminating anant his physiognomy.The proportions of his infelicity and prostrationwere such that I almost ululated. His afflictioneminated from his duodenum, or in close proximityto his gastro-intestinal tract. I have been advised bya close acquaintance of mine that this conditioncould lead to severe internal hemorrhaging in thevicinity of the cardio-vascular purlieus. Do you con-cur?

-PerplexedDear Perplexed:Whaa?

-Dr. Ralph

Dear Dr. Ralph:I really want a pet giraffe but Mom won't let mehave one. She's so mean! She says I won't feed itbut I will too. She says she can't get one but I'msure she could. What do you think?

-Lisa ExasperatedDear Dr. Ralph:My daughter wants a pet giraffe. No matter what Isay I can't talk her out of it. Could it be that I'mbeing unreasonable? Anyway, I know she readsyour column so if you say no then she'll shut up.

-Mrs. ExasperatedDear Exasperated:C'mon, mom! Get the kid a giraffe.

-Dr. Ralph

Dear Readers:Do you and your dog seem to be drifting fartherapart as the years wear on? Are you not as close asyou were when he was a puppy? Or do you justwant to become closer? If the answer to any or allof these questions is yes then you need Dr.Ralph'spamphlet How to Talk to Your Dog. To order thismarvelous sixteen page publication simply send $5to Dr. Ralph's HTYD Book c/o this magazine.

Editor's note: Ralph Bos-witz is a noted animal loverand generally loves to giveadvice concerning animals.

4A Glossary of MIT-SpecificMedical Terms:1.Terminal Terminal - Condition common to com-puter 'science students; caused by staring at screensfor hours on end without distraction. Symptomsare: dilated eyeballs, flattened fingertips, and a ten-dency to make high-pitched beeping noises whenconfronted with certain social situations.

2.Lamb Curalysis - Disease which afflicts studentswho are forced to eat dining service food for ex-tended periods. If this condition goes uncheckedfor four years, the disease becomes permanent andis then referred to as iron-plated tastebuds syn-drome, wherein, the victim can no longer differenti-ate between such tastes as sugar and salt, veal androasted leather, or potatoes and chalk.

3.Elec-Chronic - Term describing a patient whospends too much time in VI-1 lab courses; victim isidentifiable by the mouth shaped like a characteris-tic voltage-transfer graph and by the oblong yellowtool box growing out of his side. Take care not totouch an elec-chronic, unless you've made sure heisgrounded first.

4.MIT Blood Poisoning - A condition arisingwhen the circulatory system is invaded by a largemetallic object which rotates about a lengthwiseaxis, entering in the back 4nd twisting its waythrough the body and out the belly. Commonly seenin students leaving Walker gym after 5.12 tests.Symptoms include a pale complexion and bags un-der the eyes as well as frequent visits to the CAP.5.Our-TA-Oh Sclerosis - Condition wherein victimtends to mumble a lot and in general make abso-lutely no sense whatsoever while talking incoherent-ly at groups of college-age students. Particularlydangerous when course lecturer suffers from samedisease, in which case each student in the recitationcould develop severe MIT blood poisoning.

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TOO L A N D D IE MA GA ZI N E

Household Hints with HankHank is an expert athome repairs so feel freeto write to him aboutany household prob-lems. This week hefields questions concern-ing carpeting.

Hey Hank,I want to carpet my liv-ing room, but I'm notsure what kind of carpetto use. I think a shagwould look nice, but thecolor escapes me. My walls are a pastel blue withfloral impressions- the moulding is white. Thedrapes are emerald with aquamarine lace. Our fur-niture is natural teak with Indian White upholstery.What carpet do you suggest?

-Curious in Newport, RIDear Curious,Brown's my favorite color. Doesn't show stains nei-ther.

Hey Hank,I was laying carpet with my son and accidentallystapled his arm to the floor. I've been bringing himfood and water for two days. What should I do?

-Clumsy in Eastwick, NJDear Clumsy,Be real careful. Most dime stores have staple re-movers- that should do the trick. Doc Smith saysyour boy might get Tightness or some disease soyou should have him checked. You can get thestains out of the carpet with baking soda or soap.

Hey Hank,I think I should replace my carpet because it's dirty.But it's so expensive. But it's also wearing out andlooks awful. But I know that if I replace it someonewill spill something on it and ruin it. So I guess Ishouldn't replace it. But it's so much work! But Iwant a new color anyway. So I should go ahead anddo it. Except that picking out carpet is a hassle.What should I do?

-Indecisive Confused Moron in Little Rock, ARDear Moron,Go shoot some bears and use the skins to coveryour carpet. Or use cheesecloth. It'll look fine.

Hey Hank,I read in a magazine that if your clothes catch onfire, you should roll yourself up in a rug. Unfortu-nately, all the rugs in my apartment are tackeddown. What am I going to do? Quick!

-Worried in Chicago, IL

2

20'

CD [I 9

Floor PlansHank c/o Tool & Dieroom 50-309

DESPINA'SNew Italian place

47A Mass. Ave.536-1577

We deliver.

Spring 198510

Dear Worried,Real men aren't afraid of fire.

Hey Hank,Like many of us, I have two lazy kids who leave thefront door wide open when they come and go. Thisis really annoying and stray animals wander in.When I came home and found a brush salesman inour den watching TV, I knew the time had come todo something- and then I got my brilliant idea. Ihave hinged our front door at the top instead of atthe sides. Now the door always closes, no matterwhat. Not only that, but when the kids leave toyson the front porch all I have to do is pull the doorway back and let it go- it sweeps all the junk rightoff.

-Genius in Somerville, MADear Genius,Thanks for the tip. I'll pass it along.

Dear Readers:I know some of you don't have a house yet to car-pet, so I thought I should give some helpful instruc-tions. Start by sinking some big logs at the cornersof the house. Make sure you use straight trees.Build the walls first and make 'em good and sturdy.The doors need hinges and you'll have to buy those.Doorknobs are a pretty cheap convenience, too.The chimney cannot be made of wood so be care-ful. Make the doors at least as tall as.you are. Theroof should be supported in the center and go up toa point (see figure). Don't forget windows. You cansend to the following address for free floor plans:

TOO L A N D D1.E M AG AZ IN E

TOOL AND DIE MAGAZINE

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

Phase III of the WritingRequirement

Do eithet A) or B):A) Write a 1500 page expository essay on each of the following three (3) items:

i) Describe the chemical composition of mangoes. List all places wheremangoes can be found, including regions of the world, supermarkets,fruit stands, and people's stomachs. (Name the people and give theiraddresses.)

ii) Write a computer program to run all industry in the United States.Include algorithms and flowcharts. Extra consideration given for im-plementation.

iii) Chronicle the history of western civilization from the time of the Ro-man Empire to the present day. Note especially the development ofcentral heating.

ORB) Write something humorous and send it to Tool & Die.

* Are you tired of failing thermodynamics?* Are you getting blown away by your 8.012 tests?* Wouldn't it be nice, for once, to be the smartest person in your 18.03 recitation?

Try the new Tool & Die

Smart BomboThis incredible device has been programmed by some of the finest minds in the

country for the ultimate destruction of fascist intellectual over-achievers. The bomb

hones in on polysyllabic words such as 'secant,' 'kinematics,' and 'electroencephalo-gram,' and delivers a destructive payload of one to three tons. Think about it--three

tons. That's enough to lower your class average by at least seven points. In indepen-dent tests, Smart Bombs have been proven more effective at raising the user's GPA

than any tutoring or self-study program on the market. So why not test-launch a

Smart Bomb today, and lower your grade curves for the rest of the year! You won't

be sorry.

Warning: Not for use while studying.

Spring 198511

TOOL AND DL E M A G A Z I N Eplan A one-way west plan B one-way east

plan D18-lane superhighway north-south

-r - F f I

I .

-4

Es-- a--n. " rIOPINION LINE: How do you think the

Amherst Alley should run?

r------------------------------- 1

ALLEY SURVEYI think that the most beneficial plan for theAmherst Alley is:

I Oplan A Elplan B Lplan C Eplan D

I my course ageI

Send to:I Alley SurveyI Tool & Die Magazine "magic box"L Rom 50309as seen on pg. 4Room 50-309

ClassifiedsI'll teach you how to read palms, tealeaves, oatmeal and tarot cards. Ma-dame Harry, rm 54-1712

Lost- yellow 3 speed Schwinn. Leftin front of Stud. Center.

Wanted- strong orphan with 42chest, 16 neck to test momentumcoat.Low IQ preferred. Call DraperLabs and ask for F. L. Akjacket.

Paul G. I have the pkg and a recentcopy of the Bogata times. Grt courtat I am.

Lost- 10 speed and my new Cryp-tonite lock. Reward for the lock. Noquestions asked. d14599

Garage Sale- 2-door w/ automaticopener. Spacious. Lease w/option tobuy. 20 Gray St. Cambridge

Position open for student to lick ad-hesive off of interdepartmental enve-lopes. Freshman preferred. x3-7110

Tutoring for Sanskrit. Low rates.Call Pavlos at d14702

Ave. Reward for the hackers whotook it if returned unharmed.

*UROP* available in course 16 de-veloping inexpensive aircraft designthrough extensive use of styrofoampacking material. Contact Prof.Wright at x3-2359

For sale- used bicycle parts.Cheap! All types.Visit our newstore.

Barber needed. No experience neces-sary. Enquire Lt. Ferguson, bldg

Lost- bicycle shop from Mass. E20.Chainsaw provided.

Spring 198512

two-way east-westplan C

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TOOL AND DIE MAGAZINE

Historical Corner: World War IIThe portion of Hitler's diary con-cerning a visit to MIT has routinelybeen dismissed by historians as aload of rubbish designed to boostsales. However, discovery of a pho-tograph showing Hitler on campushas shed new light on the story. It isnow believed that Hitler, disguisedcleverly as a French military envoy,actually did visit the Institute in thesummer of 1939 to see how we weredoing with arms research and to, ifpossible, sneak home some militarysecrets and a better recipe for pea-nut brittle.The diary states that after walkingthe Freedom Trail and visiting theCombat Zone (which he discoveredwas not a military training groundonly after seeing one of the shows,but wrote later that he was not dis-appointed), Hitler proceeded toMIT. Surprised and pleased by thehigh proportion of Jews working onprojects, he soon dismissed theAmerican research effort as hope- A

less. However, he became lost in thesubbasements below building six andwandered for three days, anguishingover the ingenious method of intrud-er detention. Finally emerging, hu-miliated but positive that the Ameri-cans posed no potential threat, hereturned to Germany on a U-boatprototype, and ordered the Blitzk-rieg for the following day. The U-boat had not been perfected, howev-er, and was forced to resurface every2.4 minutes for air; this caused Hit-ler to become ill and forced him tomiss several key appointments in Po-land, which could not be resche-duled since the country was overrunthe next day. These events are be-lieved to account for Hitler's inexpli-cable reluctance to use submarinesto their full effectiveness during thewar.The photograph shows Hitler inMcDermott court. A man is climb-ing the Green building, visible onthe left- possibly the first to do so.The presence of the Green buildingin a photo taken over twenty yearsbefore it was built has yet to be ex- This recently recovered photo shows Hitler visiting MIT to investi-plained. gate U.S. technology secrets.

Spring 198513

TOOL AND DIE MAGAZINE

Beginner JumbleUnscramble the following words and form the circledletters into a word that fits the given clue.

Clue: Seasoned Cucumber

Advanced Jumble

For those often minutesone a try:

2 _ _

3

you that can do the beginner's puzzle inor less, give this slightly more difficult

012

3T

--40 59- .6 VU R

5 Lu®(

Unscramble the circled letters to solve.

Clue: Everyone's favorite idiom. Sounds like 18thcentury Lithuanian folk dance.

016

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TOOL AND DIE MAGAZINE

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Spring 198516

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