if you ask for a giraffe

8/4/2019 If You Ask for a Giraffe

1/21

If you ask for a giraffe

By

A. Hoffman

2011

A. Hoffman - All RightsReserved


2/21

Cast of Characters

FAY: wants to go home

AMIE / JOAN: FAYs friend

SUGAR & HONEY: two lovers

CHRIS & JESS: other friends of FAYs

NOX & LUX: seemingly two rockers

NOAH: brother of a famous guy

GUITAR MAN: seemingly a hobo with aguitar

GINNY: a girl who runs

INTERCOM VOICE:

Scene

The waiting room of a train station.

Time

Present.


3/21

ACT I

Scene 1

A waiting room of a train station. It is importantto keep in mind that the left exit off stage leads

to the railway, while the right exit leads towardsthe city.

A row of benches. In the first row, there are twogirls. Farther, a couple giggling and cuddling.FAY, one of the girls, checks the watch.

FAY:I mean, what is it with trains anyway?

AMIE:What do you mean?

FAY:Theyre tricky, you know?

AMIE:Because theyre always late?

FAY:Not always. Theres the catch.

AMIE:Ah. I guess so. I mean, if they were always late, wewould know that for sure and it would be as if theywere on time, right?

FAY:Yes, but not only that. You see, they make us thinktheyre this ... this robotic thing ... like they onlyhave one path to follow, one schedule to keep ...

AMIE:But?

FAY:But they dont. They rebel against their destiny. Theypretend theyre normal trains, but theyre not.

AMIE:Are you ok?

FAY:I just want to go home.


4/21

2.

AMIE:I know, Fay. I just ... dont like waiting alone.

FAY:Its ok, Amie. Im just tired.

(pause)

AMIE:You mean the graffiti.

FAY:What?

AMIE:The graffiti helps. It gives them personality. Insightinto their past and future.

FAY:Yeah, yeah. But theyre being replaced ...

AMIE:Like people.

FAY:The new ones replace the old.

AMIE:So instead of having a train with a personality, wehave this robotic fast machines with a direction.

FAY:I guess thats what we want, dont we?

AMIE:A direction in life.

FAY:In anything. We like to be told what to do, dont we?

INTERCOM VOICE:The following train, coming from direction north, goingsouth, stopping at the next closest six stations isarriving in line three.

AMIE:(stands up)

That must be my train.

FAY:Oh, good. Ok, then, goodbye.

They hug. AMIE exists left, FAY right.


5/21

3.

Scene 2

The couple in the back keeps hugging lovingly.

SUGAR:Our goat died last night and the neighbors ate it.

HONEY:Our goat died last night and the neighbors ate it?!

SUGAR:Our goat ...

The following dialogue must be played as if SUGARis telling his lover, HONEY, some great news. Theactors must use only the sentence above or piecesof it. It can be as long as one wishes and asimaginative, ending in them kissing and/orhugging.

Scene 3

FAY enters again, with CHRIS and JESS.

CHRIS:So youve been skipping school all day.

FAY:No big deal.

JESS:Id skip life all day if I could.

CHRIS:Man, Im jealous. I had horrible classes. And Im sohungry.

FAY:Oh, I have a sandwich.

CHRIS:You do?!

(FAY pulls out a sandwich from the bag,CHRIS starts eating)

JESS:Living sucks anyway, why bother with the details?

CHRIS:Because thats what we are.


6/21

4.

FAY:What?

CHRIS:Details. Were a bunch of details. Were never reallycomplete, you know?

JESS:Because death gets us before we do.

CHRIS:Nah, wed never be complete. Were made that way.

FAY:I just wonder if Im ever going to be home.

CHRIS:Ah, sorry.

JESS:Yeah, thanks for walking us to the station.

FAY:Well-

CHRIS:Im so thirsty.

FAY:Oh. I have some tea in my thermos bottle.

CHRIS:

Wow.(FAY gives CHRIS the bottle)

Thank you.(drinks)

Ah, its sugarless.

FAY:But I have some suger!

(FAY takes out some cafe sugar from herpocket)

JESS:How do you do that?

(FAY shrugs)


7/21

5.

Scene 4

The GUITAR MAN enters. He looks mostly like a hobowith a guitar. The couple spots him immediatelyand surrounds him. So does CHRIS, who walks to himmesmerized.

SUGAR:Our goat died last night and the neighbors ate it?

(like saying "can you play something forus?")

GUITAR MAN:Ah, sure, why not.

HONEY:Our goat.

GUITAR MAN:

So, something happy then?

JESS:Not too happy.

The GUITAR MAN plays a terribly sad song.Everybody sings along cheerfully, except thecouple, who enjoy it silently.

HONEY:Our goat died last night ...

SUGAR:

... and the neighbors ate it.(like asking if the GUITAR MAN knows acertain song)

GUITAR MAN:Oh, yeah, of course I know that one. But its so slow,we might fall asleep while -

SUGAR:Our goat died!

The GUITAR MAN starts playing a very fast-pacedrock song. Everybody acts as if its actually aslow, calming rhytm.

INTERCOM VOICE:The following train, coming from direction east,going north, stopping at the next closest threestations is arriving in line one.


8/21

6.

HONEY:Our goat died last.

SUGAR:Night and the neighbors!

HONEY:Ate it!

Scene 5

As HONEY and SUGAR exit left, LUX and NOX enterleft. They are dressed in heavily in black,together with boots and bracelets and make-up.

JESS:You come from a concert?

LUX:

Yeah, classical. Absolutely amazing.

CHRIS:Sorry?

NOX:Like what hes playing.

(points to the GUITAR MAN who isobviously playing something else)

FAY:Thats a folk song.

LUX:Are you sure?

FAY:Of course Im sure, I-

Suddenly, the lights go out. Somebody screams.When the lights go on again, FAY, CHRIS and JESSlook troubled.

NOX:Youre what?

FAY:Sure ... what just happened?

LUX:What happened?


9/21

7.

JESS:The lights went out.

NOX:No, they didnt.

CHRIS:Yes, they did.

LUX:How can you be sure?

CHRIS:Well, I know it. Jess knows it. Fay knows it. Theguitar man knows it too, right?

(the GUITAR MAN just shrugs)Whatever. It happened. We all felt it. And heard it.

NOX:

Heard what?

LUX:We didnt hear anything.

JESS:Well, then youre deaf.

FAY:And blind.

NOX:Thats not a nice thing to say to someone you just met.

CHRIS:Being deaf or blind is a reality, not an opinion orinsult.

LUX:You sure?

CHRIS:Of course Im sure!

NOX:Then how do you explain this?

CHRIS tries to speak, but he fails. He looksdesperately around, as if he suddenly becameblind.

JESS:Give him something!


10/21

8.

FAY searches in the bag and finds a pair ofsccissors. She hands it to CHRIS.

CHRIS:Ah, thank god you had these pair of glasses with you.

LUX: (laughing)Now you believe us?

CHRIS:I dont believe anything.

NOX:Sure, sure. Thats what you say.

LUX:But you believe everything.

NOX:All of you.

LUX:We could convince you a toaster is a piano.

NOX:As if we havent done that before.

JESS:You havent.

LUX:

I wouldnt be so sure if I were you.

JESS:Well, youre not, lucky.

NOX:We certainly are, lucky, that is.

LUX:And were leaving.

JESS:Thank God.

NOX AND LUX:Bye, bye!

CHRIS:What was that?


11/21

9.

GUITAR MAN:I dont know man, I just like music.

FAY:(looking through her bag)

This thing is ...

JESS:What?

FAY:(pulls out a big question mark)

It was just striving to get out.

JESS:Oookay.

INTERCOM VOICE:The following train, coming from direction south,

going north, stopping at the next closest fivestations is arriving in line two.

CHRIS:Were off.

FAY:Oh, thank God.

JESS:Yeah. Thank Him. Its not like were doing all theeffort of getting on the train.

CHRIS:Jess, come on. Bye, Fay.

FAY:Bye. Finally. Going home.

GUITAR MAN:You are?

FAY:I certainly hope so.

GUITAR MAN:Oh man, I wish I had a home.

FAY:Yeah.

They exit right.


12/21

10.

Scene 6

For a moment, the stage is empty. Then NOAH, ahandsome young man, enters left, carrying a lot ofluggage. He looks around, then takes a seat. Rightreenters FAY, talking on the phone.

FAY:(whispering)

Oh my god it is him! ... Of course I believed you, Jess... I mean, yeah, no, just ... what were the odds? Ok,Im, Im gonna ask him ... Ill make it. No shyness.Ok, bye.

(approaches NOAH)Um, Hi ...

NOAH:Hi.

(awkward silence)

FAY:CanIHaveYourAutograph?

NOAH:Im sorry?

FAY:Can I have your autograph ... please?

NOAH:Oh. No.

FAY:No?

NOAH:No ... I mean, yes. Yes, you can have my autograph. Butits not my autograph youre looking for.

FAY:Its not?

NOAH:I dont think so.

FAY:Is this another joke?

NOAH:I wish. It might be. Maybe my parents found it funny toraise identical twins in such a different manner. Maybeit was a social experiment.


13/21

11.

FAY:Im sorry?

NOAH:Its my brother.

FAY: Who?

NOAH:My brother. Youre looking for my brother. Everybodyslooking for my brother. Not me. By brother.

FAY:You mean, youre not ... him?

NOAH:No, Im just Noah.

FAY:Oh.

NOAH:(on the verge of crying)

I hate that! I just hate that!

FAY:What?

NOAH:That look! That look of disappointment! On everyonesface ... Im not my brother, I tell them, and they just

... go silent ... as if Im nothing, nothing, nothing

...

FAY:Hey, calm down.

NOAH:How can I calm down!? Im never going to have a life! Ijust want to arrange flowers. I like flowers. I loveflowers. They dont love my brother better. They likeME. He doesnt take care of them. He gets so many ...he just gives them to me. But I cant sell flowers,because everybody thinks Im my brother.

FAY:You have a flower shop?

NOAH:I have a beautiful flower shop! Just beautiful! Butits all useless now.


14/21

12.

FAY:You could hang at the entrance a sign saying "Im notmy brother."

NOAH:Oh. I never thought about that.

FAY:Yeah.

NOAH:People would still ask.

FAY:Then you could hang: "Hi, Im Noah. Im nice if youdont ask about my famous brother."

NOAH:Oh. Ok. Thanks. I guess.

FAY:Yeah. Well, Ill be going then.

NOAH:No, wait... please. Im waiting for someone. I dontwanna wait alone. It shouldnt take long.

FAY:Oh, ok.

(silence)(starts whistling)

Scene 7

A little girl enters and starts running from oneside of the train station to another, sometimeswith sprints. She goes unnoticed for a while, butfinally, FAY and NOAH see her.

NOAH:Why are you running, darling?

GINNY:Im training.

FAY:Oh, youre going to a contest?

GINNY:No.


15/21


16/21

14.

NOAH:Fire?

FAY:A fright?

GINNY:No! A train!(stops, breathing heavily)

FAY:Oh. Why didnt you just say that.

GINNY:It was on the tip of my tongue.

NOAH:Well, you dont need to run to catch the train.

GINNY:No? I thought ... but ... why?

NOAH:The train just stops.

GINNY:What do you mean, stops?

NOAH:It stops so you can get on it.

GINNY:

But whats the catch in catching a train that stops foryou?

NOAH:Getting somewhere, I suppose?

GINNY:Why would you want to get somewhere if its so easy?

NOAH:Well, you need money for a ticket too.

GINNY:I do? ... but I thought nobody owned trains.

FAY:Apparently somebody does.

GINNY:I just wanna kick everything.


17/21

15.

NOAH:I know the feeling.

GINNY:Im going to go play with my puppy and forget all ofthis now.

NOAH:I wish I had a puppy too.

GINNY:No, cut that. Im going to go play with my puppy andforget all of this now, but when Im going to grow upIm going to be unconsciously influenced by this littlechitchat we had here and I will be drawn to money forsolving all my problems and Ill have trust issues withmy mother and a phobia of trains.

NOAH:

Sounds like a plan.

GINNY:Im glad you had this chance to make a change in mylife and used it for the worst! Bye, bye!

(exists, cheery)

FAY:That sure was weird.

INTERCOM VOICE:The following train, coming from direction south, goingnorth, stopping at the next closest six stations is

arriving in line one.

FAY:Is this yours?

NOAH:No, but it might be my friends.

Scene 8

AMIE enters, but now she acts as if she is another person and goes by the name of JOAN. She and NOAHhug, then they start unpacking his luggage. Insidethere are trees, flowers and such.

FAY:You know each other? ... What is this?

JOAN:Our garden.


18/21

16.

FAY:But this is a train station, Amie! And why did you comeback anyway?

JOAN:Youre talking to me?

FAY:Who else?

JOAN:Well, I dont know. I dont judge people just likethat. You could have an invisible microphone or friend.

FAY:But I dont, Amie.

JOAN:Im not Amie.

FAY:Yeah, right.

JOAN:How many things have to happen to you until you learn?

FAY:But I just walked you to the train a while ago.

JOAN:No, you didnt. And what are you doing in my gardenanyway?

FAY:Im not in your garden! This is a train station!

NOAH:It sure looks like a garden.

FAY:And you are Amie, my friend!

JOAN:I can be your friend if you like.

NOAH:We can all be friends.

JOAN:But I cant be Amie.


19/21

17.

FAY:(to herself)

Ok, everybody is gone crazy today. This is all a badfarce. Its a big, stupid farce. Im going to walk outof it.

(walks towards the right exit)

JOAN:No goodbyes?

FAY:No goodbyes.

Scene 9

As FAY tries to exit, NOX and LUX enter, stoppingher.

NOX:Where are you going?

FAY:Home! Im going home.

FAY has her back at the stage and cannot see thatCHRIS and JESS enter with a table and set it, northat JOAN and NOAH are bringing chairs and HONEYand SUGAR cups of tea and the pot.

LUX:But you are home.

FAY:

Oh, right. Youre all part of this ... thing.

NOX:Were all part of this "thing".

LUX:Called life.

NOX:Very troubling, that is.

LUX:And confusing.

NOX AND LUX:We know.

FAY:I actually mean this thing thats happening to everyonearound me and makes them crazy.


20/21

18.

NOX:Yes, life.

FAY:No, this stupid show here!

LUX: What show?

FAY:Ever since I came to the train station, I just wanted...

(tries to get out, but they dont lether)

... to go home!

NOX:You are home.

FAY:My home is not a train station.

LUX:We know.

NOX:Home is home.

LUX:Where your friends are.

FAY:

Isnt that sweet.

NOX:And this is your home, look.

FAY turns around. Everything is ready, they areall waiting for her, smiling.

LUX:Ready for the five oclock tea.

NOX:Your favourite.

FAY:It is?

LUX:Of course.


21/21

19.

FAY walks, mesmerized, to the table, where shesits with everyone. LUX and NOX look satisfiedover the bunch of happy faces.

FAY:What is it with trains, anyway?

Curtain falls.

THE END

if you ask for a giraffe

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