if i told you my life story, would you stay for dessert?

7/28/2019 If I Told You My Life Story, Would You Stay For Dessert?

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RefreshRefreshRefreshI am aliveMy heart is beating andMy lungs are inhaling and

ExhalingAnd my mind is creating andI am alive.I will not waste away.My body feels tired butI refuse to wasteAway.I want to pour bucketsOf cold water on my

Head and peel the fog fromMy eyesThat veils my vision likeKudzu and I want toBe alive becauseIAmAlive.

Unnecessary Haiku 4/75For being large curd,

This cottage cheese is pretty

Minuscule to me.


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Unnecessary Haiku 5/75

What is the right way?

Brushing your teeth before or

After you floss them?


My mouth is frothing

Maple seedlings and my throat

Is filled with dried leaves.


White-out is good for

Words on paper but not forFeelings in your heart


I always sleep well

After eating two crunchwraps

From that Taco Bell.


Do you think that cats

Weigh themselves when their humans

Are asleep at night?


How does someone eat

A whole entire supreme

Pizza to themselves?


5/24


I mistook my pack

Of Zoloft for my cell phone

And called 9-1-1.

Getting HIV Was The Last Thing On My Mind

You are a butterfly pinned

To a corkboard, wings splayed

Between pieces of shattered

Glass that once covered

Your fragile body. Your

Vulnerability makes you even

More attractive and I

Find myself cutting my

Fingers to pick through

The shards and gather you in my

Bloody fingertips.

Jesus Doesn't Trim His FingernailsI met Jesus at eight p.m. on

A Wednesday night some

Years ago at a

Restaurant Id later never visit


6/24

Again. He played bass

Guitar with his head

Down in the corner by the

Arcade golf game while

Sipping rum and coke. He wore

Homemade metal rings on

His fingers and played his

Favorite Death Cab For Cutie songs

On the jukebox for a dollar a

Pop. We discussed what Brothers On A

Hotel Bed" meant to him and what his

Philosophy on life wasthat everything

Would be okay, no matter what;

That it is what itIs and everything happens

For a reason.

Everything

Happens

For

A

Reason;

Even meeting Jesus at a hole-in-The-wall restaurant on that Wednesday

In May.


Do you want to guide

Me? Or will you be the one

To guide me straight home?


I placed my lips on

The curve of your clavicle


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As we fell asleep.


It's impossible

To guide others when you don't

Even know the way.


Writing is taking

A deep breath from the real word

For just a second.


Let your flesh and mine

Become one with each other

Underneath the grass.


Viscosity was

In her voice when she told me

She'd gotten cancer.


What is the point of

Only having one bookend

When you must have two?


The skeleton crew

Arrived as I scrambled toFall asleep in peace.


My two eyes are two


8/24

Different sizes when I

Truly am smiling.


You only exist

In the way you portray yourBeing to the world.


There are unknown plants

Inhabiting my backyard.

Invaders from space.


I sneezed while I peed

And it was actually

Uncomfortable.


Our cat does not like

When Skrillex drops the bass at

Volume seventeen.


Every time I

Vacuum, I dismiss the spot

Where my grandpa died.

Ginger

One time I went to a fancy


9/24

Cupcakery and bought two

Five-dollar pastries for the hell of

Wasting money and licked

Off the frosting and left

The cake portions scattered like

Voluptuous warts and the crumbs

Like ants infesting the cold, metal

Tables for the redhead behind the

Counter to clean up. She

Gave me a look that said, "This is

Not part of my job description"

As I sucked buttercream

Off of my thumb as I

Filled out a comment cardThat said, "The icing on Marsh's

Cakes is better than this," clambered

Out of my chair, and let the

Bells on the door say goodbye

For me.


My skin is peeling

Into continents just like

Pangaea once did.


Safe and sound we are

Entangled in false structures

Waiting for rescue.


10/24

Things I Learned/Experienced In Jail

Have your bunkies back and they will have yours. This means offering up

your leftover square pizza and vanilla pudding to her before offering it to

anyone from any other cell.

Jail makes even the most uncreative person into the most resourcefulperson on the planet. Turn an empty Jolly Rancher bag into a peanut buttersandwich baggie; turn Irish Spring soap and shampoo into laundrydetergent.

Being soft-hearted gets you nowhere except sitting alone at TV time whileeveryone else plays spades or in your cell with your nose in a borrowedbook about AIDS with peculiar blood stains on the pages or doing a wordsearch entitled Types of Apples in your cell mates commissary leisurebook with a safety pen. Comforting.

Be prepared to trade mint sticks and ramen noodles for Cactus Annies off-brand nacho cheese tortilla chips and windowsill pickles so your bunkie canmake her midnight snack with leftover chopped bologna and week-oldcheez wiz. Betty Chopper.

Toothpaste spots on the cinderblock walls are the marks of the rulebreakers. They also look like ejaculate stains. Just another reason youshould keep your mouth shut while you sleep; you dont want someoneshair blanket in your face.

Blue and black tally marks are proof of time served or maybe they are to

give future cell occupants hope of getting out. Inmates scrawl their JohnHancocks on the walls as if to say they are proud to have been in cell F601.They say its bad luck to leave your mark on the wall or a book unread-ifyou do, youre surely coming back to see them again.

Coffee is gold there and fresh tomatoes are a hot commodity and a piece ofhard candy and a carton of Prairie Farms milk can get you farther than youthink.

No matter what the nurse in charge says, you are not allowed to havedouble mats on your bunk, especially if you have one of the nicer, newer

Tempurpedic-like ones with the built in pillows. Otherwise, its on the floor in

a boat with your head by the toilet. Sleeping next to a stranger while theyshit out four days worth of food isnt thrilling.

The toilet is used as a trash can, by the way. It is the most powerfulvacuum-like thing you could ever imagine. Everything is discarded therefrom feminine products to apple cores. Dont flush your butt cheeks downthe toilet, they said. Dont get a sucker stick stuck up your butt, they


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said.

This isnt Lockup Raw.


Spit wads flying in

The back seat as we're driving;

Settle down there, kids.


Experiencing

You was like the first time I

Rode on a coaster.


You are barbecue

Chips forgotten underneath

The kitchen table.


I drink water fromRed Solo Cups instead of

Using real glasses.


I spell out all the

Words I'm saying like I am

Typing them all out.



12/24

Let's run off to the

Art museum and try to

Understand ourselves.


To buy ChipotleOr to not buy Chipotle?

That is the question.


I really dont mind

If we sit and stare at each

Other and just smile.


I am a dragon

You are also a dragon

Maybe we're soulmates.


Getting along with

You is like pulling popcorn

Kernels from my teeth.


Let's talk about the

Lives of bees and how you areWay out of my league.


Most people are stale


13/24

Boxed doughnuts but I want to

Be a fresh doughnut.


The sound of freckles

On skin is the sound of rainDrops on empty lakes.


Cheetos are not chips

And the word orange is a

Color and a fruit.


Getting an Xbox

Achievement for the price of

Your frozen yogurt.


Maternity clothes

Are often more attractive

Than regular clothes.


Let's have a food fight.

I call the pan of pasta

Sauce, if you don't mind.


My deodorant

Makes my armpits smell shower


14/24

Fresh throughout the day.

Sixteen Dollars

The guy sitting next to me in the lobby at Great Clips is staring at me

out of the corner of his eye and, according to the customer wait list,

his name is Frank. Maybe he knows my name is Jennifer. Maybe he

doesnt. I hope he doesnt. Maybe he is too busy staring at me out of

his peripheral vision. What a creep.

"FRANK," announces the next-available stylist as she eagle-eyes theroom for her client, despite the fact that Frank is the only male in thesmall waiting area. He looks wary as he studies the lady chirping hisname. I cant blame him, as she doesnt seem like the person Id trust

with my hair to a pair of clearance scissors from Sallys Beauty Supply.

Upon entering Great Clips, this same scissors-wielding woman eyedme up and down to the tune of Sugar Rays Fly" as she took myname in the registry and told me my wait would be about fifteenminutes. After giving me the once-over, noticing my expandedstomach and realizing it wasnt from eating too much fast food, shesmirked and turned around without another word. Being eight monthspregnant, I figured she would have had a little more empathy for a

fellow maternal figure. I guess the difference between us was not thecolor of our skin. The difference was that she had a wedding ringplastered to her finger and my ring finger was bare.

Franks eyes are no longer focused on methank goodnessas he istaken under the wing of the stylist with the unknown name.

There are two girls on the list named Meg and Annie with a stuck-upmom who bought them bagels and Starbucks to appease them asthey wait for their chlorine treatments. Easy on Annie, shessensitive," Mother chides. Eye rolls from the pregnant hair stylist areshot her way as the mom leaves the girls sipping and munching to getStarbucks for herself and it is my turn.


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A womans curvy figure approaches and her nametag reads Lindsey."I am relieved that I have been spared from the wrath of the pregnantbeautician. Lindsey begins the usual polite conversation-starters asshe leads me back to her booththe booth next to the one Frank hasoccupied with his now-nearly-shaved head. He peers at me through

the gap in the triangle-shaped partition and I pretend not to notice.

I explain to my warm-demeanored stylist that I simply want the backof my neck cleaned up and re-shaped. I also tell her I want my hairthinned out. Lindsey nods her head in understandingor what I tookas her understanding meas I feel her attempt to wet my hair withthe spray bottle and begin to clip the back. I explain that my hair islike that of a dogwaterproof coat and allwhich makes her gigglenervously, drawing Franks attention as he leaves the booth next to

me with money in hand. I feel comfort wash over me as I watchLindsey work on my hair in the mirror and as I watch Frank leave thebuilding.

As Lindsey has me place my head face-down so she can finish up theback of my head, I hear the pregnant hair-Nazi call Meg and Annieback to the sinks for their hair treatments. She is careful to abide bythe mothers wishes as I hear her call for someone to cover Anniestwiggy legs with spare smocks so she doesnt freeze her poor self to

death." My turn to roll my eyes.

A quick blow-dry and look at the back of my head with a mirror and Itell Lindsey she has done a wonderful job through gritted teeth. GreatClips can only do so much, and I wasnt going to make a scene aboutsomething she couldnt fix. She makes sure to begin the usual politeconversation-enders as she leads me to the register, commenting onhow cute my pair of Vans with the Hello Kitty pattern are. I give her ahalf-smile as she rings me up and I grab out sixteen dollarstwelve

dollars for the cut, plus four dollar tipand allow the bells on the doorto say goodbye for me.

Upon entering the car, my grandmother gushes about my haircut,telling me how adorable I lookas if adorable" is an appropriate termfor a 22-year-oldand asks me how I feel. I reply that sixteen dollars


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wasnt worth the experience.


Kittens are cute but

Not when you are stuck cleaning

Out the litterbox.


What are the chances

That we did not receive post

On a normal day?


Maybe we're icebergs

Or maybe we're tree roots or

Maybe we're humans.


I think frogs are cute

Except when they die in your

Pool from the chlorine.


My ears are my lungs,

For without them I could not

Take a single breath.



17/24

Why can my legs not

Just shave themselves? This is the

Year twenty-thirteen.


All that's on TVAre shows about the Amish

Moving to cities.


How many haikus

Is too many haikus for

One person to write?


Let me just hold you

And mold my body to yours

As we fall asleep.


Who even uses

A stapler to hold up their

iPad anyway?


18/24

Oliviah

Im sitting.Im sitting on a couch

That has been sitting in

This basement since before

I was born.

If there were Xbox

Achievements for couches, this

Couch would have an

Achievement for lasting fiveGenerations.

Im letting my trichotillomania

Get the best of me

As I watch Juno" and compare

It to the situation Im


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Currently in. I pick at my

Eyelashes when Im nervous

And the part of the movie

Where she gives birth makes

Me too nervous to even

Watch anymore.

So Im sitting;

Im sitting on the antique

Couch, picking at my eyelashes,

To keep myself calm while

Avoiding the fact that the generation

Inside me will find herself

On a different couch than this one.


Even backups need

A backup who may also

Need their own backup.


The satisfaction

Of fully popping a zitThe very first try.


I hate the smell that

Gas stoves emit when they start

Preheating to bake.



20/24

Give me a pizza

And it will feed me for an

Entire day or more.


Did you get luckyFrom staying up all night or

Is that just a myth?


Pitch Perfect is too

About music. You are such

A friggin' liar.


Brie, Gouda, Muenster,

Feta, Goat, Bleu, Parmesan,

American cheese.


Why do you have a

Picture of me as a five-

Year-old on your wall?


Private school does not

Fix teenage rebellion.

Bottom line. The end.

Perspective From The Back Of A Moving Vehicle


21/24

Nineteen firefighters in a taxi cab listening to rap music while two kids

throw grapes over houses and catch them on the other side while two

girls reenact old go-gurt commercials on the trampoline.

I'll Faint Before I Pay For Water

I almost passed out today

While standing in line at Target so I

Laid my head down on the register

And the cashier told me to go

Get some water from

Starbucks

But my vision was too blurry

To find 50 cents in my pocket

To buy any.


Who cooks red beans and

Rice at eight o'clock at night?

Thats correct, I do.


Can we just listenTo Sigur Ros and pretend

The world is okay?


Water constitutes

The majority of our

Bodies and our lives.


I used to call the

Radio station so I

Could be live on air.


22/24


Was that your stomach

Making noise or was that the

Trash truck down the street?


Cottage cheese is now

Considered a substitute

For eating meat. Nice.


The river is dry

And the land is wet and thats

A predicament.


I buy Jones soda

For the bottles, not the drink.

That makes lots of sense.


You know what I hate?

Internet Explorer and

unburned marshmallows.


Can you explain why

One plus one does not always

Come to equal two?


23/24


The price of gas is

Fluctuating like the moods

Of a teenage girl.

Potassium

My cousin yawns like my grandpa and scratches her head like my

grandma but that is probably because they raised her for the majority

of her life.

I cant really think of any quirks I may have inherited from my parents.

Maybe its because Im not blood-related.

Maybe its because Im unique.

Maybe its because I dont want to imitate people who can remember

the first time I ever shaved my legs and got razor-burn so bad that I

couldnt walk but they cant remember the fact that I have never liked

bananas.

Even my cousin remembers I dont like bananas.

I Read It On The Internet So It Must Be True [About The

Author]

I am a litigation partner with aLaw firm in Chicago.I am a female body-builder.

I am a map of the New England area


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Of the United States.

I am a fat, bulbous

Man with a diastema and I

Gained 40 pounds and went

To Disney World.

I mask myself as Big Bird when

I go to the beach.

I am a realtor for Century 21 in

San Diego and I am a culinary

Professional in Phoenix.

In my spare time, I am

A medal-winning diver in

Great Britain.

Google said so.

if i told you my life story, would you stay for dessert?

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