if i leave here tomorrow: the city that stopped the cynic

8/7/2019 If I Leave Here Tomorrow: The City That Stopped The Cynic

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by KYLE HOVANEC

THE CITY

THAT STOPPED

THE CYNIC


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Troughout my lie I have been ortunate and lucky enough to have had wonderul peopleto help and guide my progress throughout my lie. Without these people, I would have nevermade it to where I am today.

o my mother and ather: I might not have always been pleasant and I may have given yousome grey hairs over the years but no matter what I did, I know that I never could havemade it where I am without your support and love. I dont say it enough how much I ap-

preciate your kindness, understanding and love. I am proud to be your son and no matterwhere I go and what I do in lie, I will always have you guys in my mind and heart.

o my siblings: We may not always see eye to eye and we might not have much in common,but to say that I appreciate you guys in my lie is an understatement. It has been a great

pleasure to see you grow up and mature beore my eyes. I will always remember the goodtimes we spent with each other and look orward to many more as we grow up. Tough not

bound by blood, you are my brothers and sisters, something I would never trade or anythingin the world.

o my high school riends: We dont see each other as much as we used to, and we all wentour separate ways but I know that whenever we see each other, its like we never even leeach other. You will always be my riends no matter where I go.

o my college riends: Never beore have I met a more crazy mix o people rom all over theworld, but its you guys who got me though my crazy and sometimes stressul college years.You guys are awesome, and will always be the source o my most cherished memories.

o Proessor Larry Riley: Tanks or introducing me to serious flm and encouraging me tocontinue my writing endeavors.

o Dr. David Sumner: I still remember the frst meeting we had beore I even was acceptedinto Ball State and the kind words o encouragement you told me. Youve been a great personto learn the art o magazine style writing rom and your knowledge and helpul commentswill be sorely missed upon leaving college.

o Mr. Jim Rose: For treating me like a proessional when everyone else treated me like achild. You gave me my frst experience in the proessional world, skills that have served me

very well. Many thanks.

o Mrs. Moses: Tank you or allowing me a writing and public speaking creative outletwhen I struggled in my other high school classes. You were the doorway to who I am now.

Finally, to Mr. Brad King: Never beore in my lie have I come across someone who I haveeared, hated, respected, and admired in the span o a single semester. You words o wisdomhave been invaluable in my academic career and beyond. Trough you I have learned thevalue o hard work and sacrifce, and the joys o a job well done. Trough you I have learnedthat its ok to ail, and to blaze trails rather than ollow them. Tank you or helping me in

college, in my uture career, and in lie. I will never orget the words you have told me andhope that we will still see each other many years aer the classroom.


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HE SNOW SLOWLY DRIFED DOWN as I walked to Studebaker WestComplex, an aging building located on the ar end o Ball State University,where I was in my sophomore year. I wasnt the wide-eyed, naive studentI once was, but I was not experienced enough to have a rm grasp o theworld.

I was going to see my girlriend who had just sent me a text. I need tosee you, its urgent! I had no idea why she would send me this text at 9 p.m.

on a Friday, a day she normally spent hanging out with her riends. I wasnever one to expect the worst, but the eeling that something wasnt rightswirled in my brain as I approached the building.

I opened the main door, and beore I could text her to nd out where shewas, I saw her sitting on a couch in the lobby. My heart sank; my stomachelt queasy. She sat on the couch looking at me with a hal-smile as her eyesglistened in the light. Her eyes were wet. She had been crying.

I sat down next to her, putting my arm around her. I mustered a weak

smile. Whatever she had to tell me, it wasnt going to be pleasant.Whats wrong? I asked as I gave her a hug. Why did you need to seeme?

Tose wet, glistening eyes looked at me. Her hal-smile transormed intoa rown. Her eyes began to tear up.

Kyle, she whispered, this isnt going to work out anymore.What do you mean? I asked, knowing exactly what she meant but reus-

ing to believe it.

Im breaking up with you.Why? I asked.


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I dont really know you at all, you know. Weve spent three months together,and weve never really done anything, you know? I dont think its just going towork anymore.

She sat there on that cold, January night, tears running down her ace, hervoice cracking between each word that hit me like a nail to the heart. Myheart was beating ast, my mind struggling to process the words she told me. Iunderstood what she was saying, but it wasnt sinking in that this was my rstgirlriend and she was breaking up with me.

Please dont hate me, Kyle. I couldnt live with you hating me, she said asshe hugged me, not letting go, her tears alling on my shoulder.

I dont think I could ever hate you, I said, not really knowing what I wanted

to say. Or should say.I walked out o her dorm, my stomach eeling like someone had just

punched me repeatedly.Tis was the beginning o the spring semester, just a ew days aer return-

ing rom winter break. Te winter months were already lled with inactivity,months o trying to stay warm during the reezing Indiana weather. One o theew highlights was hanging out with my girlriend, who no longer wanted tosee me.

My lie was stale, and the one person who had given my lie some excitementwas gone. My only incentive or getting up every morning was going to class,which increasingly elt like an exercise in meaningless distraction. Te classesthat had to do with my major were lled with repetitious activities, such asidentiying verbs and the dierences between newspapers and magazines. Teonly reason I went to class was or an attendance requirement, and I oen sleptthrough most o them.

Te breakup made me angry that so many o my riends were in happy,

healthy relationships. It elt like they were rubbing my single status in my ace,laughing that their relationships were working out and mine had allen apart.

I never told my riends how I truly elt, how they made me sick to my stom-ach, and how our weekly activities o watching movies and playing video gameshad become boring. I couldnt speak my mind. All I wanted was anything thatwould make me eel happy, even or a ew hours, or to make people laugh andorget that I was starting to turn into this negative person.

Te winter months passed. Te snow melted. Te weather warmed. Yet mymood did not improve. In many ways, it had worsened. Te more time I had tothink about the breakup, the angrier and more depressed I became. My mood


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had darkened so much that ew people could stand to spend time with me.On a rainy March aernoon, I came back rom class to see my riend Ryan in

my room watching recorded ootage on my V.

Whats up, man? What are you watching? I asked as I sat down next to him.My trip to okyo last winter, he said.Brightly lit buildings stood against the night sky as snowakes dried down

on the people who walked in the background. I stared back at the screen, as-cinated by the towering structures, the people, and the brightly colored lightsshining on the streets like a hybrid version o New York City and Las Vegas.

Tat place looks awesome. Id like to go there one day, I said as I continuedto watch the screen.

Why dont you come with me this summer? he said. Its not going to bethat expensive, and itd be a cool experience or you. I eel that you could prob-ably use a getaway anyway.

Te thought amused me or a second. I entertained the idea o traveling tothe other side o the world to explore one o the largest cities in the world. Iwas rom a suburb only an hour away rom Chicago, a city much smaller thanokyo, and yet Id barely explored it. I had no idea how a city worked. I thoughtone day I would travel the world, but as soon as these thoughts would develop,

Id push them away. I was too young and too poor to even think about thosedreams.

Now was dierent. Ryan did not make these oers lightly. He ran his liestrictly on logical thinking and planning. He never did anything without a plannor did make an oer without considering all the options. He was serious, so Ididnt want to say no and I hal-jokingly took him up on his proposal.

I tell you what, I said. Ill have a decision by the end o the semester. I Icant stand this place anymore, Ill go.

I gured I would orget and so would he. Te semester was going to getbetter soon, I thought, and things would be back to normal just in time to gohome or the summer. I was wrong.

On a rainy night in the middle o March, I sat in a bar with Ryan, drunk andseething with anger as he tried to talk me down.

Listen, its just a rumor I heard, Ryan said. It might not be true at all, prob-ably just some stupid rumor.

I cant believe it, I said in disbelie. Shu would never do that.

Shu was my riend, interested in the same geeky stu I was and hopelesslysingle. We would oen share each others grie. He was one o the ew maleriends I had that I could talk with about anything without ear o being judged


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or teased.I stormed out o the bar, drunk, and made my way to his dorm room

through the pouring rain. I needed to know the truth. I knocked on his door,

suppressing the urge to kick it down.Shu, open up, I yelled. We need to talk, now.Shu opened the door. I pushed past him.Sit down, I said. Weve got some things to discuss.Shu sat in his desk chair looking at me with surprise.I heard youre going out with her. Is this true? I asked.Shu looked around the room. He looked back at me and lowered his head.Yes.

I spit a stream o expletives at him. Not sentences, but random ragmentsand curse words.

I stood in Shus room. He continued to stare at the oor, not acknowledgingthat I was there. ears streamed down my ace and my hands shook uncontrol-lably. Shu, my riend, was dating my ex-girlriend.

How could you, man? Why would you do this to me? I shouted at him as Ipaced around the small dorm room.

Im sorry. I guess she liked me more. Tese things just happen, he said as

he nally looked me in the eye, his ace rm and his body tight with his handsslowly turning into sts. I want you to know that Im not going to ofciallydate her. Were going to take it slow and see how things turn out.

Bullshit! I already know you! I shouted. Youre going to get together nomatter what. Youve already made up your ucking mind. Its sad that just be-cause no one will go out with you, you eel the need to grasp on to the rst onethat comes your way.

Its not like that. She really likes me, he said.

Sure she ucking does! What a ucking coincidence; she told me the samegoddamn thing! Who else knows about this? I asked.

Well, everyone, but they didnt want me to tell you.Everyone knew but me. Tey didnt trust me enough to tell me. I elt my

heart ache, and my stomach churned and rolled over on itsel.You have to choose, man. Me or her, because I guarantee that i you choose

her you wont have a riend too, I said. Youre only getting one. Make up yourucking mind.

I dont want to lose any o you, he said.I stormed out o the room, slamming the door at 1 in the morning. I yelled

so loud that everyone could hear. I didnt care about anyone anymore. I was too


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hurt. My riends didnt care about how I elt, so I returned the avor.Word got out that I had exploded on Shu, and people started avoiding me.

My roommate, who couldnt stand the negativity, started to sleep at a riends

dorm and would hang out with the rest o my riends, who were happy andangst ree.

Instead o hanging out with my riends, I buried mysel in homework, notwanting to go back to my dorm where I would spend nights by mysel, lying inbed and making mysel crazy over decisions that I couldnt do over.

A ew days later, I got a text rom Ryan: Still thinking about Japan? Prices arecheap now and you can book with me and be on the same plane, dont wuss out

man, just do it.I read the text over and over. It was the perect romantic notion -- to get ar

away rom the people I couldnt stand and who couldnt stand me. I closed myphone, logged on my computer, and purchased a plane ticket that night with-out thinking. I wanted to get away. o clear my mind o all the stress, to thinkabout all the damage I had caused and relationships that I had ruined.

While the days got warmer, I buried mysel in homework and thoughts oJapan. Beore I knew it, the end o the semester came. As I packed my room,

my roommates stu was still conspicuously there. Nearly two months later, hestill did not want to be in the same room as me.

Aer I moved the last o the boxes out, I stood in the doorway. I looked atmy lonely room and made a silent pledge to mysel: I was going to okyo, andI was going to do some serious soul-searching. I was going to become a betterperson. I was going to make the next school year a good one.

I stared out the window o the 757 bound or okyo as the sun shone brightly

on a warm June morning, just ve weeks aer I had le my university. I satpatiently with Ryan next to me. As the plane began its ascent, I looked out thewindow and saw the ground and people become smaller until they were noth-ing more than specks.

My excitement died down, replaced with calm and quiet. A 13-hour trip wasahead o us, and I tried to pass the time by reading, playing video games, andmaking small talk with Ryan. As the hours went by my legs began to eel numb,almost like they were rusted together, unable to move. My mouth was dry. Te

bland meal combined with my now at soda warned me that I had been sittingor too long and it was time to get the blood owing through my legs again. Iwent to the bathroom and splashed water on my ace. I stared at my reection


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in the mirror, and a ragged and tired-looking individual looked back at me.Im leaving you behind, just so you know, I told my reection. Im going to

be happy here. Im going to orget about all the bad stu that happened to me

and Im going to learn to make next year better.I splashed more water on my ace and straightened my hair. I looked better,

not perect, but better than my ragged reection looked beore. For the rsttime in months, I smiled and laughed. It nally hit me. I was giddy once again.I was going to Japan, and I was going to have un.

Te plane landed at Narita International Airport at 6:54 p.m. Ryan and Istumbled o the plane, our legs eeling as i they were shriveled and useless. We

welcomed the chance to stretch our muscles beore joining the assembly line:collecting bags, going through customs, and making our way to the train sta-tion at the bottom o the airport.

okyo was still more than an hour away, so a train was the cheapest andastest way to get there. We boarded the train, lled with 30 passengers, andnoticed the eerie silence. Nobody was making a sound. Te only noise was theclanking o the train wheels. I would learn that Japan is a very private society, asociety that avoids conrontation or social interaction with strangers.

okyo is a varied and wild mix o old and new structures. Its not uncommonto see old bamboo houses and tool sheds next to tall, concrete buildings withashing neon signs or traditional ramen stands wedged in between McDon-alds. As we approached the city, even the tallest building in the countrysidewas dwared by the okyo structures. Te brightest lights were but dim ick-ers compared to the massive, ashing neon light shows on nearly every majorbuilding.

As the train slowly pulled into the station, my mind was on overload. For the

rst time I was ar away rom parental supervision, the guidance o educators,and the watchul eyes o my riends, who usually made sure I didnt do any-thing stupid. Tis was the rst time in my lie that I elt ree.

Man, you keep smiling and looking everywhere. Youre going to denitelylook like a tourist, Ryan said.

I dont care, man. Im here. Im actually here. I have so much energy. I eel sohappy. I just want to run o and scream, I said excitedly as we got o the train.

Tats when it struck me that we were in a oreign country. Te simple task

o nding another train proved to be a monumental challenge. People rushedaround in every direction, trying to make it to dierent trains, which wereconstantly leaving and arriving. And I was in the middle o it all with no idea


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where to go. I looked at Ryan, unsure i he understood my concern. Id neverseen so many people going in all directions at once.

Dont worry, Ryan said. Were meeting my brother rst beore we leave. He

knows where to go. All we have to do is nd a coee shop.My momentary happiness was immediately replaced by a larger horror: How

would I ever nd my way on my own? I couldnt read the signs, had no ideahow the trains ran, and couldnt even speak the language to ask or help i Ineeded it. My enthusiasm was curbed.

I I was going to explore and get the most out o my trip, it wasnt going tobe easy. I was going to have to go ar outside my comort zone, something Idnever done.

Aer wandering through the station a ew minutes longer, we nally oundour contact person: Ryans brother Chris. He was waiting or us in a smallcoee shop near the train stations exit. Tey were twins -- Chris was born justa ew seconds beore Ryan -- but seeing the two or the rst time was truly asight. I was looking at a mirror image o my riend in a country on the otherside o the world. It was an absurd situation in a chaotic place, and I had only

just gotten here.We headed to the metallic gates that separated the station rom the outside

world. On the side o the gate you passed through, there was a magnetic areaas well as a small crevice to insert a ticket. In order to ulll your payment, youeither had to insert your ticket rom the train or use a pass card by waving itover the magnetic strip. Tere was a constant ow o people traveling throughthe gates, almost machine-like in precision -- the kind o precision that couldeasily be disrupted by oreigners.

Ryan inserted his ticket and waited or the gate to open. Instead, another gatequickly closed in ront o him and a red warning light ashed. A polite-sound-

ing, computerized Japanese voice came rom the speaker telling him words Ididnt understand. Te tone was unmistakable, though. In the time it took ormy riend to umble through his pockets in search o more money, most o theline had already shied to the other gates, and a gate attendant approached myriend. My riend stood there in awe, understanding only bits and pieces owhat was said. Ryan looked at me, shrugging his shoulders. I laughed, thankulit hadnt happened to me.

Finally, another gate attendant came out, speaking English. He pointed to the

entrance o the station and told Ryan, You can just go. My riend, overjoyedthat he had somehow gotten out o that situation, walked past the gate and overto his brother. I paid the appropriate are and quickly ollowed behind him,


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eager to hear his take on the story.Why did they just let you go? I asked Ryan.Its easier, Chris said. Tey have oreigners come and do this all the time. It

just becomes easier to let you go than argue with you in a language you prob-ably dont understand. Japan is willing to sacrice cash or efciency. Its a verybad thing in Japan when things go against the norm.

We ound a taxi, and Chris told the driver to take us to a smaller districto okyo called Itabashi. As we le downtown, the skyscrapers were replacedwith small shops and three-story ofce buildings. Instead o a neon-drenchedmarketplace, traditional armer stalls were outside little shops. Te street thatour taxi drove down was barely large enough or the taxi. People would have

to stand to the side and wait or us to pass beore continuing on their way. Allalong the road were mom-and-pop drugstores, ramen stands, and small super-markets. Tis was a little section o Japan that time, technology, and progresshad orgotten. It was completely surreal. It seemed more like a drive through amovie set than a major okyo district.

I continued to stare out the window, watching the buildings slowly go past.Why so quiet, Kyle? Ryan asked.No reason. Just tired, you know? I replied.

In reality, I was mad at mysel. Mad that I was getting so worked up aboutnot being able to survive in Japan.

So much or having an adventure, I thought. I was convinced that the resto my trip would be played sae, traveling with Ryan or Chris, going where theywanted to go, always being with someone who knew their way.

Our taxi arrived at a small apartment nestled between an ofce building andbarber shop. Te building looked old, with stains like wrinkles on a ace that

has seen generations pass. We entered, climbed three ights o stairs, and ar-rived at the apartment where I would be staying or the next 2 1/2 weeks.

I hope you like tight spaces, man, and being really close to dudes, Ryansaid.

I had heard that Japanese apartments were small. Within a space o thelength o a normal bed was a shower and toilet. You didnt have to worry aboutslipping in the shower; there was no room to all down i you did. Outsidewas the kitchen and laundry area, both o which were a raction o the size

o a kitchen or laundry room in the U.S. A small table sat in the corner o thekitchen.

Do you guys eat there? I asked.


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No, its used more as an extra countertop, Chris said. Teres no room toeat in here. We usually eat in our rooms.

Te room Chris slept in was equally cramped. Fitting everything in such

a small space became a game o etris. A door opened on the ar end o theapartment, and Chris roommate, James, came out o the room. He yawned andlazily scratched his messy hair.

Welcome to ucking okyo, mate, he said. His British accent was particu-larly strong, and his appearance looked like he stepped out o a 70s-era punkrock poster with his arms covered in tattoos and piercings in his ear and nose.So are we going out yet, mate? Its our night o. We need to get ucked overproperly.

Yeah, well take my brother out and his riend too, Chris said. Tey justgot here, so we should celebrate.

Tats what I like to hear, mate, James said, a large grin on his ace as hegrabbed his coat.

We headed to the train station. Beore we reached our destination, though,James stopped.

Wait a second, we need to warm up beore the main event, James said.James and Chris went to the ront o the store, paid the cashier, and walked

out with a large, silver can.Whats this? I asked as I held the cold aluminum in my hand.Tis, said James, pointing at the can like some exotic scientic specimen,

is what the Japanese call biru, or as you Americans like to call it, beer.So are we going to, like, go inside somewhere and drink? I asked. James

started laughing.No, mate! Tats the great thing about this place; something you cant do in

the states, James said. You can drink here. You can drink it right here now

and nobody can do anything. Te police cant do shit. Its perectly legal.We hopped on a train, beers in hand, and took o. Chris told me it was a

gaijin bar, which is a bar or oreigners. Despite my initial enthusiasm, I wastired and hungry. And the beer was certainly not helping matters. I was readyto go to bed.

We arrived in the Ikebukero district. As we exited, my senses were assaultedwith light and sounds, crowds o people walking in every direction, and build-ings with bright signs advertising their businesses and wares. Music rom stores

ooded into the streets while shop employees stood on boxes with megaphonesshouting at customers to check out their store.

We walked down the busy streets, nally arriving at a little underground


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pub called the Hub. We ordered our drinks and some ood. Te conversationgrew louder, and the beer continued to ow. By the end o the night, as most othe people had le the bar and chairs were being stacked up, Ryan, Chris, and

James were still animated, but I sat in the corner, slowly sipping my beer, strug-gling to stay awake. At this point I didnt care, the music around me began toecho and I slowly began to dri o.

Chris shook me awake as James stood in the background laughing, con-vinced that I was a lightweight. It was time to go home. Ryan was staying withhis girlriend, which meant I was staying with Chris and James. As the three ous walked back to the apartment, I noticed how quiet and empty the city was.We were the only people on the sidewalks, and to me it elt like we were the

only people in the city.Its unny, Chris said. Tis place is so busy and so ull o people. It eels

weird to walk around like this late at night. It really makes you eel like you eelpowerul, like you own the city.

I thought about it or a second, entertaining the act that someone could ownokyo and laughed to mysel. I was suddenly amazed how easily getting stuckat the train station had ruined my rst night here. I came all the way to Japanto escape these eelings, but somehow they ollowed me. I elt sick. Why did

these things keep coming back to me?We made it back to the apartment, and Chris gave me a spare mattress. Be-

ore sleep, I went outside on their tiny balcony and stared o in the distance. Idecided that tomorrow, whatever happened, I would be adventurous.

I was going to leave the old me behind once and or all.

Te next morning, I awoke rereshed. Te sky was slightly overcast but clearenough to allow rays o sunshine to shine through. Despite being 6 a.m., people

opened shutters in ront o their shops and children shouted and laughed onthe streets below.

Shopkeepers swept their sidewalks as bicyclists peddled by. I got on mycomputer to let my parents know I had made it to Japan saely. I noticed that aew o my riends had commented on my Facebook wall. Tese were the samepeople that only a ew months beore were doing everything in their power toavoid me.

Its probably just a ormality, although it is a nice one. I probably wont hear

rom them again, I thought as I shut my computer down.Aer I took a shower and got dressed, Chris came up to me, looking slightly

tired but remarkably happy or someone who spent his entire night drinking.


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Hey dude, me and my girlriend were planning on going to the aquarium inEnoshima, near the shore. Want to come? he asked.

Sure I said. Ive never been to the ocean beore, and Ive only been to an

aquarium twice.We le that morning, and aer taking three trains, we arrived at Enoshima.

Te sunny, blue morning was replaced by gray skies with strong winds and atorrential downpour. Tis was normal weather or Chris and his girlriend,Akiko. Umbrellas rmly in their hands, they laughed as I struggled to hang onto mine. My imsy umbrella stood no chance as I struggled just to walk downthe street, and yet I was actually enjoying this. I was in a disaster movie as therain pelted me rom the side and palm leaves blew through the street.

For the rst time, Japan was un.

Enoshima was a small island, part o the city o Fujisawa an hour away romokyo. It was lled with beach houses. In the distance, Mount Fuji loomed.

Te aquarium was a modern-looking building that seemed completely outo place in a traditional beach town with bright yellow sur shops and ramenstands with palm trees on the side. It was large and curvy compared to the rigidrectangular structures that surrounded it. Behind the aquarium parking lot, the

ocean waves raged and repeatedly knocked down surers.I couldnt resist, I had to see the ocean up close. I started walking through

the parking lot and made my way to the beach area. Waves quickly startedcrashing around my ankles.

When I was younger, I was terried o the ocean. I was araid o being swal-lowed by it. Since I lived in Indiana, I never had to worry about getting sweptaway rom raging ocean waters, but the ear never le. As I got closer to theedge and the waves continued to get larger, my heart raced. My brain screamed

at me to turn back, get out beore the waves swallowed me whole, but my bodyremained rmly in place. My adrenaline was pumping; my heart elt like it wasgoing to explode. I was acing the ocean, letting the salty water spray over me.I looked up and saw surers continually getting knocked o their boards beorepopping up again. Tey reused to go down.

I must have looked like a ool to Chris and Akiko, but rom where I wasstanding, I couldnt help but smile -- no longer araid o silly things like oceans.

I returned to my new riends, and we made our way inside the aquarium. Its

main eature was the giant tank in the middle o the building, which houseda variety o sea lie. It was like a chunk o the ocean, suspended in a building.Soon, though, Akiko began tugging at Chris sleeve.


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Hungry? she said as she gave a pouty ace and pointed at the aquariumsrestaurant.

Well, I guess it means that its time or dinner, Chris said.

Te inside o the restaurant was all too amiliar with the sight o woodenchairs and tables as well as various tacky ocean items such as anchors and oarshung on the wall.

Wow, its just like home, I said.Yeah man, Japan loves America, Chris said. Something about it seems so

grandiose, so larger than lie that theyre constantly attracted to.Chris ordered and the ood arrived. But there was something strange about

it. As I began to dig in, I noticed something weird in my spaghetti, almost

worm-like and thick sticking out o the noodles.Um, Chris, whats sticking out o my spaghetti, this worm-like thing? I

asked as I poked at it.Chris and his girlriend began to laugh as I cautiously prodded at the dish.Its squid. Youre eating the tentacles o a squid right now. How do you eel

about that? asked Chris jokingly as I grasped the tentacle-lled arm in mychopsticks.

Im not sure I want to eat this, man. I mean, just look at it! It looks like

something not natural, I said as I played around with it some more.Dude, just try it. What do you have to lose? I you dont like it, you can just

spit it out. Live a little, said Chris as he chomped down on his own dish ospaghetti and squid.

Aer working up the courage to move the chopsticks to my mouth, I shovedthe piece in and began to chew uriously, allowing no time or the avor to sinkin. It elt like rubber. No matter how hard I chewed, I could not break it down.It bounced around in my mouth until I managed to swallow the piece, chased

by several gulps o water. Chris and his girlriend applauded, happy to see thatI was brave enough to eat something dierent.

I smiled and gave it a thumbs up. Te truth was that I hated it. It had noavor and elt like tire rubber. Yet there was some immense satisaction romeating something I would never usually try, being more daring than I was backhome. I would later be told that there is a Japanese myth that by trying newoods, a person gains an extra year to their lie. I elt like I had gained three.

Te train ride back was quiet, no one talking much about the day. My riends

nodded o as Chris head bobbed up and down and his girlriend slept on hisshoulder. I was not tired. I was ull o energy, wanting to do more than just goback to the apartment and sleep until tomorrow. I elt energized and happy.


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Happy. Something that I hadnt elt in a long time. Tis was a happiness Iveelt only a ew times beore. Te times that meant the most to me were gettingaccepted into college, meeting new riends, alling in love. Tese were eelings

we are lucky to experience a ew times in our lives.When we got back to the apartment, Chris and James were getting ready

or the work week. Tey would be busy until the late hours o the night. Tismeant I would either have to stay in the apartment all day or stay out until thelate hours. I knew Ryan would accompany me a ew days but or the most partI would be on my own.

For the rest o the week, I would be exploring okyo with only a guide bookand a basic understanding o Japanese.

Te next morning, I packed my bag with some cash, my train card, and theguidebook. I didnt have a cell phone that worked, so other than short bursts ona payphone, calling people would be out o the question.

I was ready to get lost in okyo. I was ready to nd mysel.I had no map. I had no guide. I had no itinerary or schedule. My starting

point would always be the Itabashi train station, each day traveling to a dier-ent district in okyo.

Te main train line that ran throughout okyo was the Yamanote Line,

which traveled around okyo in one large circle, making it easy to visit a newplace every day and reliably get back to Itabashi. Even i I missed a stop, allI would have to do was stay on the train until I was returned to my originaldestination.

I le that morning eeling excited, exhilarated by yesterdays adventure. Get-ting to each district by train was one story, but nding my way through eachdistrict was another. My own sense o direction was horrible, and without amap to guide me, I was utterly lost.

Tese thoughts lingered in my mind, but I pushed them aside.I boarded the train and was greeted with a ull car o Japanese businessmen

and uniormed school children. Te train was lled to near capacity. I couldmove just a ew inches rom my original position to grab hold o a handle. Iwas wedged between an older businessman reading a newspaper and a teenagegirl texting. Te eeling o being in between people, hardly able to move andconstantly rubbing up against them was unnerving. I was not used to beingclose to people.

Te train made its rst stop, with only a ew people getting out. As ve peoplele the car, eight more stued themselves in. Any space was completely taken.


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I shied uncomortably, accidentally backing into the teenage girl and shovingher against another girl. She threw me an irritated look.

Sorry, I said weakly, knowing that she probably didnt understand what I

was saying but not knowing what else I could say.I realized that i I was ever going to get o the train, I would have to be ag-

gressive. It was only logical that more people would get on the train i I waited.As soon as the train stopped, I pushed my way through the crowd toward theexit. People moved as best they could, but it was not enough to give me a clearpath. I kept on pushing, not hard enough to cause injury, but enough to makemy way through not only people on the train, but also moving past people get-ting on the train.

I stepped on to the platorm just as the doors shut and the train began tomove. It was only 9:45 a.m., and I had already done something I had neverdone beore. I had been aggressive and pushed mysel o a crowded train inJapan. I had taken action in my own hands or the rst time since that ateulnight when I conronted Shu. It elt good. It elt liberating.

I made my way past the station gate and up to the city. Te hot sun beatdown on me as I stood there, taking in my surroundings. An entire city lay inront o me like a pile o Legos waiting to be assembled. I took one last look at

the station and took my rst step toward nowhere.Ill just keep walking until I nd somewhere interesting, I told mysel.As I walked away rom the station and deeper into the maze o skyscrapers

and alleyways, I started smiling. Tese were the rst steps on my own adven-ture. I was Frodo leaving the Shire. I was Luke leaving atooine. Tis was myadventure.

I started to explore my surroundings. I popped in to a convenience shop,browsing the aisles and observing the dierent ood and drink items. I ended

up going in to bigger stores lled with clothing and electronics. Id always hatedshopping beore, never enjoying looking just to look. I had always known whatI wanted and spent only as much time in the store as I had to. Tis elt di-erent. It elt good to slow down or once, to just take it slow and take in thedetails. Te way ood was organized on shelves. Te way clothing stores arethemed or each section. Tese were small details I had spent my entire lieoverlooking. Upon noticing them, it was like seeing color or the rst time.

By aernoon, the sun was shining brightly in the sky. Te temperature had

risen; the humidity had climbed; the air had grown stuy. I needed a drink andsomething to eat.

I ound a restaurant called Matsuya, a ast-ood place that sold gyudon, or


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bee bowl. Ryan recommended it. It was ast and didnt require an extensiveknowledge o Japanese to order. Te process was simple. Go to the vendingmachine inside, nd your ood choice, insert your money, give the ticket to an

attendant, and get your meal. I hungrily dug into my bee bowl, which lled meup. Still, I hoped that my Japanese would eventually get good enough to orderrom a restaurant that required human interaction.

Te sun began to dip in the sky. Running out o buildings to explore, I mademy way toward the back alleys, where the bars and pubs were located. Tework day was ending and businessmen and other patrons were arriving, hap-pily shouting and laughing. I sat outside two bars next to each other, watchingthe people go in. My attention was drawn to a happy, young couple as they held

each others hand. Tey were both smiling, and they were both laughing. Itwas obvious they were in love. As they gently kissed each other on the lips andwalked hand in hand in to the bar, I ound mysel smiling. It was a cute sight tosee, and I elt happy or them.

It dawned on me that just a ew months beore I would have been angryupon seeing them. I would have hated the act that they were sharing theirlove with the world. Tis didnt bother me anymore. It was clear that they werehappy. Tey were enjoying their company, enjoying their lives and living in the

moment.It nally hit me that people ound happiness in dierent ways and with di-

erent people. In retrospect, I elt ashamed that I acted the way I did. I was sodesperate to hold on to a single shred o happiness that I was willing to ruinother peoples happiness to keep it.

Perhaps my happiness wasnt meant to be ound with my ex-girlriend, butnow it didnt matter. I didnt need a relationship with someone to justiy myhappiness, to give my lie purpose and meaning. I was the one who dictated

this in the end, and as I sat in ront o that bar watching people walk in andout, I never elt happier.

I made my way back to the train station to take the last train back to Itabashi.I sat on the train, keeping one eye on the destination marker and another onthe city as it traveled past my window. okyo was beginning to grow on me,and I elt absolutely giddy about where I would go tomorrow.

Chris and James were about to go to bed when I walked in to the apartment.Did you have a good time, dude? Chris asked.

Oh yeah, I replied. I just walked around, but I had a great time.

I checked my Facebook beore going to bed and ound a bunch o riends who


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once again commented on my wall.Maybe they do care? I thought.I noticed that Shus eed was updated or me, and I saw him talking to my ex

on her wall.I miss you! read the message, with a reply rom her reading, I miss you

too baby!Seeing this didnt ll me with anger or sadness. I wasnt hateul, jealous, or

even sad.Im glad youre happy, I whispered to her, knowing there was no way she

could hear me. Im happy too. I never thought Id say this, but I dont think Imiss you anymore.

Tat night I slept soundly.Each day, I would ollow the same morning routine: shower, dress, have

a quick and cheap meal, and be on my way to a new section o okyo. MyJapanese was beginning to improve. I was asking more questions and talk-ing to more people. I browsed dierent shops and stores. I explored whateverree public place was available. I had little cash with me, so buying things wasmostly out o the question. In place o spending money, I would take picturesand take ree iers in place o posters and souvenirs. Some days were spent

browsing Japanese bookstores. Others would be spent inside a camera shopor video game store. Parks and museums were great spots to explore, as theyoered many photo opportunities and landmarks to view. It got to the pointthat I didnt care where I went or what I did. I just wanted to soak up as mucho okyo as possible.

As the days turned into nights, I would end up outside exploring the back al-leys where the homeless and drunks stayed. Bars would open, and hosts wouldstand outside, rantically waving iers and trying to get you to go inside. I

would wander the streets, taking in the sights o neon signs and the loud mix ocity noises. I didnt want to drink when I was exploring. I wanted my senses tobe sharp so I could take in as much as possible. My meals would be quick, withconvenience shop sandwiches and green tea so I could eat on the go.

When my exploring was completed, I would return to the apartment, ex-hausted but satised. I was beginning to all in love with this city and all it hadto oer. Just knowing that every day I woke up would be spent nding some-thing new made me more excited than anything else I had done. I was living

on my own and or mysel. I was happy to be here; I was in love with the city. Ithad everything I needed.


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I discovered that, during the end o my nal week in okyo, Aenea, one o myriends rom Ball State, was coming to visit okyo or a ew days beore joiningher amily in aiwan. Ryan thought we should meet with her to celebrate the

end o our trip.We would be meeting up with our riend in Shibuya, one o the largest and

most amous districts in okyo, known or having the largest street crossing inthe world and some o the most well-known entertainment and ashion loca-tions in Japan. Our plans were simple: blow whatever money we had le andtry to have as much un as possible beore leaving.

I was admittedly nervous about seeing Aenea. Like my other riends, sheddistanced hersel rom me whenever possible. When we did run into each

other, she was always riendly and smiling, but I gradually saw less and less oher as the semester went on.

I was araid o what she thought o me. I had come to terms that I came oas less than pleasant to a lot o people. I wondered i the time away rom eachother would heal the bitterness between us. Te nervousness ate away at me asI boarded the train toward Shibuya, but it was too late to turn back.

I arrived and saw Ryan waiting outside the station. We started talking, and Ijoked about our idea to have un with our limited unds.

Tis sounds like a really bad plan, Ryan said.It probably is, but weve spent the entire trip being responsible. We can slack

o responsibility or one night, right? I said.Tis is so stupid, but whatever, might as well enjoy it, might not be coming

back here, said Ryan laughing.Te thought occurred to me a ew days beore, that there was a possibility I

might not come back to Japan. Tat thought was slowly becoming unaccept-able in my mind. Days o wandering and exploration made me eel more con-

nected to this city than any other place I had been. I wandered okyos mostbeautiul parks and seediest alleys. I knew all o okyos best places to visit andsome o its dirtiest secrets. I was too connected to this city to never come back.okyo was a part o me now. It had le an imprint that would never go away. Iwould come back someday.

Aenea ound us as she came out o the station exit. Dressed in trendy jeansand a blouse, Aenea had always been one o the most ashionable people in ourgroup o riends, and in one o the biggest ashion districts in okyo, she t in

well.Ryan, oh my god, how are you? asked Aenea as she gave him a hug.Te two o them talked as we entered the restaurant. I worried. Why hasnt


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she talked to me yet? I wondered. Guess I really made an impression.Aenea looked away rom Ryan and began to walk toward me. I roze, not

knowing what to do or say.

Hi Kyle, she said with a big smile. Hows okyo?Awesome, I said. I was still apprehensive.Sweet! she said. Its good to see you by the way. Its been awhile, hasnt it?oo long, I replied with a slight smile. She seemed riendly, but was she re-

ally happy to see me?Well, lets not wait here any longer. Im really hungry, and I know this place

thats really good, she said as she started to walk.Tere was no use worrying anymore. Whether she was being sincere toward

me or not didnt matter. Tis was the last night here, and as long as I was hav-ing un, I didnt really care.

We walked to a restaurant three blocks rom the train station. It was a nicerrestaurant than I was accustomed to. I welcomed the chance to eat ancy oodand drink expensive wine.

As the night wore on, we drank aster and talked more. We reminisced aboutour riends, all the stupid things we did in the past, and all the pleasant memo-ries that bound us together.

Do you remember when you guys threw Johnny in the ountain? Aeneaasked.

I ound mysel missing my riends. Tis made me realize just how much Idid with my riends, how much they made me laugh, how important they werein my lie.

Guilt washed over me. I remembered all the bad things I said to them overthe semester and how I went rom being so close to them to being hated bythem. I was having a good time on my own, but i I had no one to share it with,

no one to be happy with, what was the point?I knew that I had to make amends with the people at home. Tey werent

the problem; I was. I had let a situation spiral out o control, and instead ohandling it in a responsible way, I let my emotions get the best o me, chasingeveryone away in the process.

Te happiness that had permeated me during this trip was coming backagain. It wasnt because we were in a ancy restaurant, and it wasnt because othe ood and drink. It was the joy o being with riends. My ace glowed, and

my heart elt like it was going to leap out o my chest. I couldnt stop smiling. Iwas happy again.

We spent the rest o the night drinking until the early hours o the morning,


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when we went our separate ways. Once I got back to the apartment, I went onFacebook to check in on people and saw a slew o comments and well wishesrom the same people who were posting as soon as I arrived in okyo. It wasnt

a ormality or a save o ace; they really did care about me.I came here to orget about you guys. Why the hell did you still remember

me? I asked them, knowing they couldnt hear me but still wanting to ask outloud.

Im sorry. Im so sorry, I told them, beore driing o to sleep.

Te next morning was time to start the long journey home. It would take atleast two hours and two train transers to make our way to the airport. Just

thinking about leaving made me ill. How could I possibly leave this place? Just2 1/2 weeks here and I elt more comortable and more condent than I hadever elt at home. In just one week, I learned to live on my own in a way collegecouldnt teach me. In just one week, I had learned more about mysel than anyclass could teach.

Shame that you have to go back, huh? said Chris as I was packing my bags.You come here or a while and you start liking it so much you cant imagineleaving.

I learned a lot rom here, I said. It was a good point o my lie or me tocome here.

Tats what I like about okyo, Chris said. You always keep learning aboutit, and it never stops teaching you something that you need to know. Its notlike New York or L.A., where youre learning hard lessons and youre just tryingto survive.

Tis city has been a better teacher than most in my lie, I said.In the aernoon, I received a call rom Aenea. She wanted to meet up or

coee beore we le or home. Te Shibuya Starbucks was near the main trainstation and overlooked Shibuya Crossing. It was combined with a multimediastore, so while you sipped your coee, you could browse music and movies.Te top story had a ca area to sit down and talk while overlooking the streetcrossing below.

We met and talked about what wed miss most about okyo. It was small talk,pleasant but nothing serious. Aer we ran out o things to talk about and weresipping our coee in silence, Aenea nally asked the question I had been think-

ing about the entire night beore.Are you still mad at everyone?No, I said. Ive thought about it a lot, and I came to realize that I handled


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things the wrong way and ended up making it difcult on everyone else. I Ididnt come on this trip, I dont think I would have changed. I would have con-tinued to be bitter, and thats not the person I want to be. I want to be happy,

and I want my riends to be happy too.Aenea smiled. Im glad youre not mad anymore. We really cared about

you and didnt want to let you go. I would have been sad, and so would a lot oother people.

o tell you the truth, I said. I cant even remember some o the things Iwas even mad at to begin with.

We le the coee shop and stood in ront o the train station. I told Aeneagoodbye. Beore we le she did something that she hadnt done since we rst

met: she hugged me.So, she said, you think everything can go back to normal?I nished embracing her and smiled. Yeah, I think so.I think we all needed this trip. I think things are going to be better once we

go back, she said as she turned around and walked away, smiling back at me asshe le.

I watched Aenea disappear, knowing that when I saw her again, it would be

back at school. I wasnt araid o going back anymore. I wanted to go back. Iwanted to make things whole again.

I sat there, staring out at the buildings and the crowded streets below. Tesun was beginning to set, and the buildings were lighting up. For a vacationwith no set plans and no real goals, I elt accomplished. I elt that my problemswere suddenly lied. I had a clearer view o what I wanted and where I neededto be. Suddenly home didnt seem that bad. Running away would never solveanything. I would have to take control o my lie, my goals and my worth. I

would have to apologize to the ones I hurt, even i it meant them not acceptingthe apology.

Most importantly o all, I would have to nd a way to come back to Japan, tookyo.

I made my way to the subway, the last subway Id take or awhile. Beore en-tering the station, I turned and gazed at the skyline again. Te buildings, thosetall, neon-lit buildings, would orever be burnt in my mind. urning around, Ile behind the city o my dreams, the city o lights and chaos. Te city that put

my lie back on course.


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I I Leave Here omorrow by Te Invictus Writers is licensed under a CreativeCommons-Atrribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

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Caliornia, 94105, USA. Permissions beyond the scope o this license may beavailable at http://www.thedudeman.net.

Photo by Gene Jackson, available through the Creative Commons License. Seethe original picture: http://www.ickr.com/photos/bygenejackson/3182125940/.

if i leave here tomorrow: the city that stopped the cynic

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