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by Jacky hefezjackyh@caxton.co.zaphotographs sally chance

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ost fathers will say that they often help out with the kids – they take them to school in the morning, go to sport and other activities and (gasp!) even sometimes babysit on a Saturday morning. But this is not enough. Considering that it takes two people to make a baby, it’s only fair to say that raising that child should be a 50-50 effort. Understandably, it’s traditionally been the father who worked full-time, with the mom staying at home and raising the kids. But how often is that the scenario these days?

More likely, both parents are working full-time – with Mom leaving the baby in the hopefully capable hands of a crèche or day mother as soon as possible – to keep the wolves from the door. So shouldn’t this lead to a similar division of childcare responsibilities? So often, you hear women complain that they changed their lives after getting married, giving up their independence and social life in order to focus on their husbands and eventually, children, while their husbands’ lifestyles are still the same as when they were single. They still go out for a beer after work, play golf on Saturdays and consider Sundays their day off. It’s normal to change your priorities when you start a family, so why is it that women have to bear the brunt of these changes while men just keep living ‘the good life’? Things have definitely improved since the days when motherhood wasn’t a choice, it was the only choice. We live in enlightened times, yet many mothers feel like they’re still the sole providers when it comes to taking care

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are you as a dad simply ‘helping out’ with the kids or actually doing your share? We look at the changing role of fatherhood.

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of the kids. Whether that’s by necessity or choice, it’s only fair and proper to give fathers the opportunity to start shouldering some of the weight – for the sake of both moms and dads. Make no mistake, if dads started to do this, it would be a good thing. Conventionally, dads are either the ‘cool’ parents who spoil every-one rotten, or the scary disciplina-rians – who doesn’t remember the terror felt upon hearing the words, “Just wait until your father comes home!”? So wouldn’t it be nice to have dads become as much of the nurturers as moms? Doing this will help dads discover a whole new dimension to their relationships with their kids. It’s hard work, but boy, are the results worth it! We spoke to psychologist Dr Cecile Gericke about ways to integrate fathers into a more equal parenting role. Here are some ideas on how you as a dad can have greater involvement in parenting from day one of the journey:

Keeping the footholdWhen little ones get older, it becomes more and more difficult to spend ‘family’ time with them – just ask the parents of most teenagers! But you can stay involved in your children’s lives and do your bit in the caregiving department by helping with their homework. In the evenings, make sure everything has been done before they go to bed and sign any forms they may have to take back to school the next day. You can also help your kids to prepare school lunches and set out clothes for the next day. If you and your partner divide these activities, it’ll give both of you some rest time and will help you to appreciate each other more. Create a family tradition where you and the kids make a Saturday breakfast, and let Mom sleep in for the day. Take the children with you to do weekend chores, such as returning rented DVDs or buying bread and milk, even if it’s a nightmare coping with the kids. Imagine what your partner goes

tiny totsa good start is to attend prenatal classes with your wife. “this is an amazing way to start your relationship with your child, as well as strengthen your relationship with your wife. remember that from the start, having a child involves more changes for the mother than the father. you need to assure your partner that, even though you won’t be going through the physical side of the pregnancy, you are a team,” advises gericke. if you establish equal involvement now, it will be easier to fully contribute as a parent in the future. she adds that dads should attend the births of their children. “there’s a slight chance that it might put you off sex and make you think twice about having another kid, but 99.9% of the time it’ll lead to more appreciation and involvement in parenting, and make you feel closer to both mother and child.” another way to contribute is to take paternity leave to help look after your older children and the household while the new mom is in hospital. if she had a c-section, she’ll be recuperating – remember that this is a major operation she has had to deal with on top of having a baby – and she will be unable to drive and do heavy chores for quite some time.

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through when she has to do it! “If your partner works and is always the one who has to put in leave to take the children to the dentist or other similar appointments, why don’t you do so too?” suggests Gericke. “It’s only fair that you give up leave, rather than her having to make job sacrifices all the time.” Other chores and errands you can do with the children include working in the garden, getting takeaways and washing the car. “This is an excellent way to teach your children first-hand about what being a real man is all about,” Gericke says. “Not only do you get to spend quality time with your children and do your part in taking care of them, it’s also an excellent opportunity to debunk stereotypes and raise more aware children.”

stop being the bad guyThe traditional role of fathers being disciplinarians has already changed a lot, thanks to the fact that women are far more likely to dispense discipline swiftly when they are with the children and conflict arises. Add to that the fact that working dads often feel guilty for not spending much time with their kids and then try to make up for it by indulging them, and dads just can’t seem to win – they’re either too strict or too lax. If you get more involved in the day-to-day lives of your children, this can easily be changed. Your relationship with them will be normalised and your parental role will become as complex and rewarding as their mother’s. These are just some ideas to help you become more involved in your kids’ lives. It’s important to also sit down with the mother of your children and ask her how she would like you to help. Remember that it’s an equal partnership – if you contribute to half the childcare, you’re not doing her any favours yet; you’re simply pulling your weight. Women have a lot on their plates and juggling the responsibilities of motherhood, work, family and personal time is not easy. It’s only fair that you do your share. And although it’s hard work sometimes, the fact that

homecoming scream“When it’s time for a new mom and baby to come home, dad can play an important role in making the situation as comfortable as possible,” says gericke. to prevent older children from feeling threatened by the new arrival, find ways to involve them. “have a ‘Welcome home!’ party, make a banner with the older kids and ask them how they think everyone can work together to make it as easy as possible for the family to handle the changed circumstances.” Bathing the baby is a nice task for dad to do. Work constraints mean it’s not often practical to assign caregiving tasks on a 50-50 basis, but bath time is after office hours. gericke says that dad might initially feel scared of accidentally hurting the baby, but once you’ve handled your little one a few times, you’ll feel right at home. dad can also help with night-time feeds using either expressed breast milk or formula. gericke stresses: “the fact that you’ll be spending a lot of time with your baby will familiarise you with him, which leads to less nerves. your baby will also get used to dad being a nurturer from the start.”

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“Bonding with your child is a process during which his trust

in you has to be built.”

your children will grow so much closer to you will be invaluable.

readers’ storiesm�che��e c�etsee �s m�rr�e�� t� abr� ���� they h��e � s��, X���er (1). she s�ys: “Early on in my pregnancy, I realised how important it was for my husband to be involved – to take part in becoming a parent and then when my son was born, to feel like a dad from day one. In those first few months, my husband was part of pretty much every single breastfeed and nappy change, making top-up feeds, tag-team winding and rocking a colicky baby – even after a full day at work. As I was concentrating on taking care of my son, he was focusing on taking care of his new family. Abri understood that bonding with your child is not really a magical, instant connection but a process during which your child’s trust in you has to be built through patience,

nurture and love – ‘face time’, as he refers to it. It’s easier for Mom, because ‘face time’ occurs naturally with breastfeeding. We had decided before our son was born that bath time would be their exclusive time together – a consistent event that Xavier could associate and enjoy with his dad.”

l����� V��k �s m�rr�e�� t� J�cques ���� they h��e tw� ch����re�, a���e���e (3) ���� J�e� (1). l����� s�ys:“About a year after Jacques and I got married, I left my job as a PA to help him with his landscaping business. About a year later I fell pregnant and apart from helping out here and there in the business, I’ve been a full-time housewife and mother since. We have a maid who comes in once or twice a week, but other than that I’m responsible for every aspect of the household and caring for the kids. I prefer this – raising my children myself

and spending every second with them is worth more than having an extra salary. (But I do sometimes get cabin fever!) Jacques leaves early in the morning and comes home between six and seven at night, so he helps put the kids to bed and reads them their bedtime Bible story. On weekends, we try to get the kids out of the house at least once, either by going to breakfast or lunch at a restaurant where there’s a play area. Jacques will also help with the more ‘masculine’ chores at home, like mowing the lawn and fixing things. When he takes leave at the end of the year, he spends quality time with the kids – during the year he works five to six days a week, so this is difficult. Because Jacques is running his own business and a nursery, he probably doesn’t spend as much time with the kids as he would like, but they do have a good relationship. He does what he can. As he’s the sole breadwinner, it’s the best we can do right now.” �&�

superwoman syndromesome woman go into ‘superwoman’ mode and try to do everything themselves. “these women are usually unaware of the fact that they’re not giving the new father a chance to show and practise his parenting skills.” traditionally, raising children has not been a big part for the male in the relationship, so that already makes fathers feel intimidated when it comes to looking after the baby. “if mom then makes dad feel that she doesn’t trust him to take responsibility for some of the work, it can easily destroy his confidence and cause him to remove himself from all childcare activities.”

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