The Voice of Oppressed Student Raven - okay... we made that up .

Friday, April 1, 1989 . . l when the grass was greener, the beer was sweeter and life was good

Downey stages coup UW cowers as martial law imposed

by Missy Make events, Downey replaced the UW Police been named Propaganda Minister. Asked Misprint sti?R with an elite group of “shock troopers,” for comment, Redmond muttered some-

dressed in black coveralls and hoods. The

P thing about trolls coming to get him and

resident James Downey has seized troopers moved quickly and arrested known ran off to hide under a bridge. sole power and declared martial law campus radical David Eby in connection Needless Hell having been rendered at UW following the disappearance with the fire. Downer has subsequently

of incoming President DavidJohnson amid uninhabitable (moreso) by the fire, Downey

ordered that all “radicals and WPIRGers” has annexed Fed Hall to serve as his HQ. the outbreak of a mysterious fire It is rumoured that a bunker is which gutted Needless Hell. being built underneath the former

Johnson, former Principal of night club. McGill, was scheduled to take over Federation President-eiect from Downey in June. Johnson Christine Cheng says she is not came March

to visit campus Thursday, worried by the devetopments. Wav- 11. Witnesses say he was ing a piece of paper in the air, she

met by individuals wearing black stated, coveralls and hoods. They “in-

“1 have spoken with Mr. Downey, and we have reached an

vited” him to attend an Iron Ring agreement. There will be no fur- Ceremony event. Johnson has not ther expansion. I believe there is been seen since. Misprint sources peace in our time.” suggest he is currently being held captive

Meanwhile, there are reports in secret tunnels under-

neath that large numbers of Downey’s

the campus, and is being force-fed Brubaker’s food.

shock troops are gathering on the borders of the campus. Misprint

Two weeks later a fire broke has attained a copy of a secret docu- out in Needless Hell. Firefighters D were unable to stop the blaze, as

owney’s forces staging on the border of the campus, ment entitled Unbtnigof Waterloo

their trucks were blocked by hordes preparing for the push on Connestoga Mall. Muster Plan which seems to lay out plans for the annexation of all North

of cheering co-op students. Insisting that the disappearance and

Waterloo. Observers speculate that be rounded up for “security reasons.” an invasion may be imminent.

fire were proof that “subversives and so- c’ialists are undermining this campus,”

Also part of the emergency decree, When asked to explain the strange Downey has disbatided the UW Senate happenings, Downey replied, “Harris

Downey proclaimed a state of emergency. and Board of Governors, naming himself wants amalgamation? I’ll show him amal- In order to “better investigate” the “suspi- sole authority for “the duration of the cri- gamation! One city! One university! One cious circumstances” surrounding the Sk.” Caxe~e editor Chris Redmond has President!! !”

Blades back, casualites soar Judy Bubnig is taking no prisoners

by Avy Dtbed Mbpfn t staff

I n the week immediately following the elimination of the ban on rollerblades at the University of Waterloo, over 20

students have died and authorities are still identifying [counting] bodies.

“This was possibly the worst decision we have ever made,” said Eline Coolster, head of parking services at the university. “We knew we were right to maintain the ban, and now I guess we can only say ‘We told you so.“’

The first victim, Brian McArthur, was run over by 13 different skaters only 10 seconds after the Health and Safety com- mittee struck the ban from the official traffic policy. He survived, but has since

become a radical anti-rollerblading activ- ist. “They’re hell on wheels,” he main- tains, “there is no possible way to operate these deadly vehicles safely. You might as well give a child a lit stick of dynamite as give a UW student a pair of what I like to call ‘death blades [on wheels].“’

Another anti-rollerblading activist took matters into her own hands as she climbed to the top of the Dana Porter Library with a high-powered rifle. Screaming, “All rollerbladers must pay, and then the bikers should pay too !” she took potshots at pass- ing skaters.

Fortunately, the only victim was the boar in front of Modern Languages, who is listed in critical condition at Grand River Hospital. Professor Judy Bubnig has been charged with attempted murder and pos-

session of an unlicenced firearm. The Health and Safety board has called

an emergency meeting for next month in which they will begin discussions on possi- bly opening up the. flow examining the possibility of inviting submissions of sev- eral subcomittees on the topic of re-evalu- ating the ban for possible re-implementa- tion.

“We’ve got a rush on it,” said head of the Health and Safety board Jim Weatherspoon, “We should have this thing on the table for Fall 2003.”

Students throughout campus have begun demonstrations to insist that the ban be put back into place. WPIRG has been leading the charge, suggesting that students take a car to school, rather than rollerblade.

News: Imprint lays the smackdown ................................ 2 Features: iMac - your kind of cult ................................ 5 Science & Technology: Dihydrogen oxide conspiracy uncovered . . . . . . . . 6 Sports: Imprint staffer kidnapped by curling team . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7

8 Arts: Forgettably gdod ...........................................

Apathy... oh never mind Imprint strikes back It’s so quiet. It’s kind of creepy.” ::::.:Jp:J::.:. ,,:,:-‘.-.A.. .: :__ Ez:: _.. .. eve onen- ” He refused to elabo-

search their files and dis-

some concern, “I don’t really care,” said Schnieder, “1 . . .” ,

Profs have not been com- plaining about reduced attend-

byArthurShoebddge Misprint staff

ance at lectures, but some have attributed this to classes who were not motivated to leave after their previous lec- turcs had ended. “I’m not really worried,”

;he ladder. Lit me tell you, 7Ze

Couches at the SLC have been fully rebel at a 19% tuition hike. “As long as they occupied by students for the past three keep paying tuition, UW is open for busi- days straight as they sit and sit. Turnkey ness,” said chair Mike Harrit, “Brubaker’s

they don’t do anything, they just sit there. company, Coca-Cola.”

UW Administration presents an evening of

Wholesome Fun! UW students don’t need those nasty, drug-infested raves to have fun! We the UW Administration want to offer students an evening of good, clean, alternative entertainment, featuring . . .

DJ Katherine Scot with

Lawrence Whelk and his Polka Orchestra

Chaperones will be provided. Proper attire expected. Girls’ skirts will be measured at the door to ensure they are of suitable and modest length.

No drugs, no weapons, no attitude. Also no smoking, no drinking, no slow dancing, no kissing, no cursing, no spitting, no yelling,

no dirty jokes, no body yiercings no catcoos, no wierd haircuts,

no chewing gum, no hoods. rw xx - cvcr!. and absolutely no fun! ! ! ! ! ! !

byHughS.Yurdady Mlspdnt dish/t

T he most vicious organization on campus just got that much more vicious.

After years of faithfully and timidly returning the $4.10 Imprint fee to illiter- ate bastards on campus, the potters at the wheel of student consciousness in Room 1116 of the SLC have hired what is being known as the Imprint Revenge Squad. “It’s magnificent,” cackled outgoing Edi- tor In Chief Kieran Green. “If you get your $4.10 back, I suggest you sleep with one

sumed scared) (“calculate this I [ blam blam blam]“), the IRS moved on to finish off the Iron Wan+. Af- ter finding a severed Tool head

EL) dissolved the rior exec and burned any re-

mainingcopies of the paper. The IRS’ new objective is to fmd and eliminate any sub- versive troglodytes attempting to obtain their Imprint refund. After breaking through many security codes, this reporter was able to gain access to the IRS’ hit list. Unfortunately, I thought I might have heard footsteps, so I blindly ran like a fool until I wound up in what seemed to be a very hot tunnel. I emerged from an oven in the Brubacher’s kitchen safe and sound, but alas, the paper had been burned during the trip.

Indeed, I suggest you sleep with one eye opwerihuieurh....ghack, . . . . khuurg . . . .

Tories plan %nal solu- tion” to OAC bulge

by FUIPMer only common-sense.” extra sgnxid to Mkprfnt “This is great for all co-op students,”

said Bruce Lumbnut. “Most co-op stu-

A fter months and months of consul- dents barely make more that $40,000 a tation amongst themselves, the year. The feared influx of students will not new-est government group-think be an issue any longer <chuckle>.” New

initiative has been dictated: “Common- job postings have been inciuded in the sense reveals that it is only common-sense next round of continuous phase, stating

“We’re just fucking lucky that university students don’t give a shit or someone might

notice and protest or something.”

to eliminate QAC.” Minister of simply: “We’ve heard UW students are the Edumacation John-stoned added, “no, least empathic students around. We will <sigh>, not the academic year. We’re kill- test your ability to care 1~:~s co the limits. ing the fucking students, okay? Get it? The students have to go, permanently. It’s continued to page 3

MISPRINT, Thursday, April 1, 1989 MISPRINT M3

No more Hwy. 7 byHotlipsHooMgan M/spn’nt sti

E nvironmentalists across Ontario are calling it the most respectable, but

overwhelmingly confusing, deci- sion ever made by a government organization. The Ministry of Transportation (MTO) has de- cided to abandon all plans to build the new highway 7 between Kitchener and Guelph. CL S u c h thought-

frankly, most environmental groups fear this is a sick and twisted joke - a cruel and sadis- tic hoax that plays on their emo- tions. “I think the MT0 is on crack,” said Billy Bob Green, from the Kitchener Oh-SoGreen Com- mittee. “We were just kidding, we really want Highway 7, Now what do we protest against?”

The MT0 has gone so far as to announce that the existing Highway 7 will be removed and a

“beauti- ful walk-

less and unsustain- able de- velop-

“I think the MT0 $fatl is on crack.” put in it’s

place. ment is ri- diculous,”

costs, feasibility

said Mark Scottie, a spokesper-

The decision is rocking the

son for the MT0 and employee

environmental community. Quite

of McSmack Build-Before-We- Think Engineers. “We’ve sim- ply got to save our precious and irreplaceable wetlands - we’ve got to think of the birds, dammit!” With this statement, Scottie’s eyes filled with tears and he ran out of the room.

and convenience are non-issues according to the MTO.

We can expect this new plan

Careful statistical analysis by

to begin when hell freezes over.

the MT0 has shown that it will take commuters approximately 7 hours, 4 minutes and 2.3 seconds to walk between the two city boundaries. Environmentalists are calling this inconvenient and unsustainable,

Admin out on their asses

by RexRush Ml3pKht staff

L ast Thursday administra- tion officials announced that Needles Hall was of-

ficially out of space. The solu- tion: portables. Beginning next term, portables will appear on the front lawn of the building. The first department to move onto the lawn will be Co-op. “Let’s face it. We’re lowest on the pole com- pared to administration and the

Registrar, so they’re turfing us out first.” Despite the negative impact portables are sure to have on employers, it’s the only alter- native until enough money is found in the ever-shrinking tui- tion pot to pay for a new building. Students Advising Co-op Com- missioner Paul ‘Short Curly- Haired Funny-Looking Guy” Schreiber is loudly advocating for a SAC portable, to be placed di- rectly in front of the front doors of Needles Hall.

Ryan Chen-Wing gets misquoted again

continued from page 2

We may want you for a special duty.” The postings have in- cluded a hazard pay clause and a firearm training workshop. They have also stated they are an equal opportunity employer. The Min- ister of Love stated he had “heard that those little fuckers are pretty slimy, most carry guns and knives to school and some of our clean- ers, urn, employees will die. But with weak computer skills what else could they expect? Them’s the breaks.”

Mike Harrass was quoted say- ing that, “We decided to elimi- nate OACers to save money. We’re just fucking lucky that uni- versity students don’t give a shit or someone might notice and pro- rest or something.”

Students have seen but a trickle of smoke emit from the smokestack at PlantOps but the

Greenmen assure Misprint that it will be ready to perform its duty.

I was quoted saying, “I don’t give a shit about those fucking kids, or my fucking tuition, in fact I don’t give a shit about anything, kill me now, dammit. I’m tired of writing these fucking stories that no one fucking reads.”

Ryan Chen-Wing said in an interview with Lois Amono, K-W CD undCussel~ “Yes, I can do an interview with you now.” He added “I don’t like them [but, the deaths are great and by the way I like it when you change the connotation of my quotes by writ- ing extensively in parentheses].”

Robin Stewart, VP Edumacation commented, “I have something to say on this issue, it’s related to my portfolio, quote me?

Stay tuned for round two: Project Soylent Green.

byaTrainedMonkey VPtnfemd spt?cid ti Msprint

0 ok ook ook eek ook arh arh aaaaahhheeek ook eeeeee

oook aahaahaah oo oo ook ack thpth! All the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players:

They have their exits and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts,

His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,

Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms.

And then the whining school- boy, with his satchel

And shining morning face, creeping like a snai1

Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,

Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad

Made to his mistress’ eye- brow. Then a soldier,

Full of strange oaths and bearded like the bard,

Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,

Seeking the bubble reputa- tion

Even in the cannon’s mouth, And then the justice,

In fair round belly with good capon lined,

With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,

Full of wise saws and mod- ern instances;

And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts

Into the lean and slipper’d

pan taloon, With spectacles on nose and

pouch on side, His youthful hose, well

saved, a world too wide For his shrunk shank; and

his big manly voice, Turning again toward child-

ish treble, pipes And whistles in his sound.

Last scene of all, That ends this strange event-

ful history, Is secdnd childishness and

mere oblivion, Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans

taste, sans everything. Oooook! Eek eek eek aahh

arrrrr oo oo eeeeeeeeaaaaakkk hoo hoo hoot eeep screech oohooh ook ook awrack thpth haahaaah sckreee! Ook ook

I am Canadian.

You are invited.to join in UW’s first

ATOP barnraising!

Unfortunately, UW does not have the financial resources to build the extra buildings and facilities necessary to cope with the expan- sion planned under ATOP. So, to save costs, all faculty, sta.E and students are invited to join in a good old fashioned barnraising! If we can’t get someone else to build our buildings, by gum we’ll put ‘em up ourselves!

Anyone not participating will be shunned.

f

M4 MISPRINT MISPRINT, Thursday, April 1, 1989

0 bjection: You’ve failed miserably at proving that the Christian God exists.

Reply: You’re right (Part 1 of several thou- sand).

Unfortunately, my personally lauded 100 percent Absolute Proof Positive of the Existence of God did not make it to print last week. The editor said he forgot. How- ever, I still managed to get enough hate mail to completely rebut the article, so I’ve given it up as a lost cause.

I’ll agree, then, that I can’t prove with 100 per cent certainty that the Christian God exists. However, there are many ways’ to demonstrate that this belief is a very reasonable one. 1 now intend to present an unusual, but very convincing, argument for the validity of the Christian faith. I call it the Destructive Case Argument.

There is only one axiom: that some- one somewhere on Earth at some time has gotten it right. In other words, there is a religion out there which is completely true. Ifyou are silly enough to disagree with this, then by your own admission you’re wrong about other things (notably your world view) anyway, so you can’t be trusted. Hence this axiom is, literally, indisputably true.

But with this simple initial axiom, then if one shows that every other religion is fundamentally flawed, and cannot possi- bly be correct, then the Christian religion is the only reasonable alternative. This is the short and inestimably sweet argument I will be outlining over the next thousand or so of my articles.

In this week’s column I demolish the Egyptian pantheon: in particular, the Sun God Ra, alleged creator of the Universe. Let us try to give a reasonable, logical argument for the existence of Ra.

Suppose Ra existts and is the creator of the Universe (the Ra Hypothesis, RH). If RH is true, then we should expect evi- dence of Ra being the Universe’s all-pow- erful creator and intelligent designer. Also, we should expect to find that people gen- erally have an awarenqs of the existence of Ra (“pounded into their brains”).

Also, we should expect that there would exist those who worship Ra; and we expect that Ra would exact retribution on those who do not do so. Finally, we should expect evidence that there is in fact a deity, Ra, driving the sun across the sky.

Now consider the following seemingly indicative data:

(D1) Obviously the Big Bang would bear a strong resemblance to the sun if you stared at either for long enough. Since the Big Bang is the force which created the Universe, one sees strong evidence for the Universe being Ra’s handiwork.

(DZ) Most people have heard of Ra, at least thanks to the movie “Stargate” (which,

since Ra created the Universe, is his doing as well). So general awareness of Ra is quite high. Making this even more logi- cally valid, note that many people shout Ra’s name at sporting events (this falls under D3, as well).

(D3) There is impressive historical evi- dence that the people of ancient Egypt did, in fact, worship Ra. I read a number of books on archeology, where experts pains- takingly examined the Egyptian temples, scriptures and lifestyle. I found nothing convincing, but then I asked Frank, who I roomed with in 2A and who is apparently a 2698-year-old Pharaoh, according to him. (Come celebrate his icosaheptacentennial next Fall!) So there were, indeed, many people who worshipped Ra.

(D4) Note that there were millions of crop failures all over the world last year alone. Not one of the farmers whose crops failed worshipped Ra! Therefore, failure to worship Ra leads to crop failure. This clearly demonstrates Ra’s retribution on those who spite him.

(DS) There is evidence that the theory of gravitation (e.g. force acting at a dis- tance, the Earth not falling into the sun) baffles many elementary school students and politicians. A better theory is needed. While no one has actually seen Ra driving the sun, it is entirely possible he is pushing it from behind, so is not visible. While there is no direct evidence for Ra driving the. sun, there is also no direct evidence against it, which is good enough (this isn’t rocket science).

Sure, RH could be false; but it seems very reasonable to believe. Before you go about worshipping false gods and such, though, I must point out that there is a subtle logical flaw in the above argument. The observant of you may have already spotted it.

That’s right: I misspelled “exists” in the statement of RH. So RH is nonsense, and not even a valid logical statement. All of our evidence for RH is worthless, and the argument fails.

Since we have failed to logically prove Ra’s existence, Ra cannot possibly exist. The Egyptians either lacked brilliant phi- losophers, or had papyrus fumes on the brain, or else I expect they would have realized the truth long before Moses had to

’ beat it into them. I must caution you to read the above

argument very carefully, and to make sure you understand it, before replying to me through mail.

Frivolous letters (asking silly ques- tions, disagreeing with me, etc.) will be discarded. Mail bombs will be returned to sender.

Next week: existtence of the Aztec Gods (AGH) is discredited,

Enslaved children do great work I n keeping with the principles and ethics

of the CIRG, we have continued our efforts of enslaving the children of the world for the betterment of corporate in- terests and its research. While many have attempted to argue that we do little or nothing, they would be pleased to know that this year alone we have enslaved twenty-four new children who otherwise would have lived self-

the Easter weekend (a wonderful consum- erist fair) will want to join us for our “buy- in.” We at the CIRG have worked espe- cially hard at luring Nike, Gap, Banana Republic and many others to the SLC for this weekend only.

We’ll be locking ourselves into the multi-purpose room of the SLC for twenty- four straight hours of consuming heaven.

This “Buy Every- sufficient lives and . .

been of no benefit to the global corporate

JOin us for our iii~iv?~~~~iiiI~i with special sections

world. As well. the CIRG

“buy-in .” dedicated to products produced with un-

has successfully imple- mented its new project with used bicycles. The CIRG has been stealing perfectly good bicycles from across the city to ensure a broader consumer base for the market and to maintain the practicality and conven- iencc of pollution-causing single automa-

biles. This project hopes to stimulate our current dependence on fossil fuels as well as contributing to the greater demands on un-unionised Mexican auto-part labour. Once again the CIRG has achieved a won- derful success for corporate interests.

Those of you not heading home for

L

unionised or sweat- shop labour. Please come early as seating will be limited.

The WCIRG is dedicated to preserv- ing and promoting the corporate interests on the UW campus. This year has been one of our hrkhtest and best. Upcoming projects for next year include renaming the University after Nortel and removing stu- dents from the Board of Governors.

For all those interested, this article was researched and written by an enslaved child, Please continue to support and con- tribute to the effects of your CIRG.

Worshipping at the Church of iMac

by Pave1 Schreibercw M&m-n t stiff

T he second coming of the offspring of

the Great Jobs is at hand! Repent and be saved, ye scum-sucking sinners, for I have tasted the Apple and wit- nessed iMac’s delivex- ante of it from the crim- son shores of the Elev- enth Level of Hell, and ye shall know its name when it lays its venge- ance upon thee!

Through Its right- eous teachings, you will learn to be satisfied in a Mac is Mother! Mac is Father! All hail mighty Mac! monogamous relatlon- ship with your only mouse but- for the Network is the only true know 27,000 years (and forty- ton; your every triple-click, a stac- path into kingdom.com! eight days) of unhindered pros- cato hymn to the infinite vision of And when the Icon of Bomb perity and correct calculations. Jobs! finally defeats Micros topheles and The time is at hand and the

Bereft of floppy, it will force its Blue Sky of Death; and when only true path to Nirvana is to you to see the error of your ways Geethree traps Intelzebub in the bask in iM& glorious presence and leave portable media behind Floating Point, humankind will - preferably one of each flavour.

The right-handed conspiracy by Ellen Degenerate pus Conglomerate hopes to con- right mind! Mi5print stdffr vert “lefties” by creating a pat- This conspiracy must be

tern of positive and negative rein-

T stopped! I encourage all lefties

here is an evil conspiracy forcement. and sympathetic right-handed on campus+ No, I’m not If a left-handed person gives people to join together to fight talkingaboutco-oporthe into instinct and naively reaches this evil. Conventional methods

way your professors make every- out with their left hand to open a will not work against the Campus thing due on the same day. I’m left door, they run the risk of per- Conglomerate - only open re- talking about the conspiracy that manently damaging their fingers, volt and violent action will show leads to both emotional and physi- and ripping out their fingernails them that we are aware of their cal trauma for many people - the when the door does not open. actions and will not tolerate them. right-handed conspiracy. They are forced to deliberately Steal the keys to the doors and

Almost anywhere you go on override their natural instincts and open the left ones, and lock the campus you will see evidence of open the right hand door. As time right ones. Or simply refuse to this diabolical the use the conspiracy - doors and find and it’s spread- . ing. It’s bad enough that us

As time continues, the poor ~a~r~a~~~~ building such

poor left- handed people leftie starts to associate zndE-;$

7 are Crue-lly forced to use negative feelings with using izer: Sewer right-handed scissors and can their left hand. We at Mis-

print- have openers, but the actions of “The Campus Conglomerate” must be stopped!

On average, if you encounter a set of double doors on campus in places such as the PAC, Hagey Hall or the SLC, there will only be one door unlocked-the right- hand one. By doing this, the Cam-

. created a “Fight the

continues, the poor leftie starts to Conspiracy” fund. Please drop off associate negative feelings with any donations or suggestions for using their left hand, and in a effective revolutionary actions desperate attempt to fit in, refuses (we really don’t have any use for to try and open any more of the ineffective ones) at the Misprint left doors. Soon, it may get to the offtce. Join the revotution and take point that there are no left-handed the future- into your hand -your people on campus still in their left hand, that is.

S itting on a lovely, knotty wooden bench in a park some-

where in Northern Ireland, I take a sip of the smooth Kilkenny beer I cradle like a small innocent child in my hands I am completely and utterly intoxicated; my mind is a whirlpool of lager and inspirational thoughts.

The bench I rest on is made from an old tree, a hard wood that is soft and sensitive on the inside. I can tell this by the way it’s con- tours envelope my buttocks - I feel that the bench and 1 qe kin- dred spirits meeting once lgain in Ireland.

Through the haze of alcohol I can make out the delicious splendor Ireland is offering to me. And by God, it is a bountiful, beautiful, boisterous green offer- ing. The deep green hills before me roll on for an eternity. The verdant horizon eventually meshes with the bluebell sky to become one.

A man and woman skip by me in that oh-so-very-Irish skip- ping style. My drunk head flops to the side and I am lucky enough to make eye contact with the woman. Immediately I notice the soothing, translucent colour of her inviting green Irish eyes. They

pierce through me Iike Darth Vader’s light sabre; like a hot green light sabre driving into the very core of my being.

Tearing my eyes away from hers, I look up and see that I am sheltered by the rich and lush green canopy of an old standing timber. The leather-like leaves are a shade of green that one can only fmd in Ireland; a green so spectacular that it transcends the traditional colourwheel. They are not hunter green, they are not the colour of celery, they are not em- erald green.

The leaves are not even a colour; they are a feeling. A feel- ing that causes introspection of the profoundest kind. Or maybe it’s the 12 pints I had that are causing that. In any regard, speck- les of the sun filter down to kiss my drunk Canadian skin.

Staring up at the sky and my protective canopy makes me im- mensely dizzy. Suddenly my beautiful Irish world is spinning around me. It is an Irish merry- go-round that I do not want to be on. In a violent beer-induced adrenaline rush, my body purges itself of it’s drivel. I Iook at the mess I have made and smile. It is green.

Dihydrogen oxide conspiracy uncovered

by Robertus Van Korpustum RSc Resident Mad Scientist

Y esterday, documents were delivered to the Misprint that reveal a hei- nous conspiracy involving both UW

Administration and Food Services. The conspiracy, adding dihydrogen oxide to all on-campus sources ofwater, was confirmed by an impartial testing laboratory. Admin- istration is protecting Food Services mo- nopoly over on-campus food concessions in return for Food Services adding dihydrogen oxide to everything that con- tains water.

The concentration, at 100 per cent, is high enough to cause concern. Levels as low as 15 per cent have been known to cause apathy in rats and higher primates. University students, at best not much more advanced than simple primates, are thought to be extremely susceptible to apathy and coercion brought on by exposure to levels of only 75 per cent.

Christian Provenzano, Feds Presider? t, is outraged at the new findings. “The stu-

dents don’t need the administration forc- ing apathy on them. Most of them don’t really care, but they might if given a chance.” He is heading a student task group, composed of heavy beer drinkers, to study the problem. “For some reason,” he states, “beer neutralizes the effects of di hydrogen oxide.”

Dr, Bols, a UW biology professor ex- plains how dihydrogen oxide works. “It attaches to receptors in the body where H,O would bind. Once attached, it leads to a lack of interest in things like basic stu- dent government, human rights and on- campus raves.”

l3ols argues that long-term exposure could lead to lack of commitment to re- paying student loans.

Now that the contamination has been discovered, students couldn’t really care less. One student was quoted as saying, “Who really cares? I mean what effect does it have on me?”

Misprint is leaking the story because we have to fill space. I mean, really, who cares?

Bingo ’ til you drop every Friday, .’ Saturdav and Sunday at Fed Hall.

fiecause, hey, wnat else are you gonna do at Fed Hall on the weekend? 1

Crack-bits by the,hletaMced Freak of Nature Monkey gets Microshaft and Woody Certification, joins Feds Mispdnt s&R

‘*This is a triumph in the field of mon- Microshaft’s “Little Willy” Gates key training,” quipped animal trainer Dr.

gets penile implants Ballard. “Now that our monkeys have passed the MCSE, we plan to lead them to

The Penis99 upgrade is reportedly a greater tasks like shoveling dirt, drinking big success in the Gates household, and beer or becoming Misprint’s System Ad- has finally sated Gates’ envy of “Big Willy” ministrator. After hearing the news, the Clinton. Penis 98, although running satis- Federation of Students announced that factory on most platforms was having diffr- they would be adding a new executive culties making the jump from software to position of VP-Primate to take advantage hardware, of the low cost of bananas. Feds president

Gates has refused to comment at this “Crusty” Christian Provezanavenozov ex- time on rumours that Penis99 is not YZK plained that “This new position will allow compliant. Boy, that would be a bigembar- the rest of our executive to spend their rassment for the big G. + remaining out-of-Bomber time in the

Bombergettingdnmk where they belong.” BigMac

Engineers looking for a screw It’s finally evident that MacDonald’s

is not using real beef for their burgers. In an Ask any UW Engineer and they can attempt to steal the glory from Apple’s always remember having the tool. “But the iMac, MacDonald’s has introduced problem is,” said EngSoc President Ryan flourescent patties as their newest fast food C hen-Wing, “We can’t find a good screw.” offering. An engineering student angrily responded

They come in the tasty flavours of hot “That this damn tool smells and it scares pink, puke green, radioactive orange, urine everyone away. Whenever we bring our yellow and the original shit brown. tool out to fit it for a screw, people just

A MacDonald’s executive said that, vomit their lungs out.” Arts students are, “Cars come in different colours so why by one report, hiding the screw that they shouldn’t Big Mats.” Customers are lining believe the engineers are madly searching up in droves for the opportunity to co- for. Misprint Science suspects that the ordinate their burger with their wardrobe. boar outside of Modern Languages ate the “Best of all,” remarked one such customer, screw years ago. ‘4Now when I throw up afterwards, it just blends into my shirt.” Giant intergalactic worm a

crack-induced gaffe The secret of the stickiness

Following the announcement in the Misprint news has discovered a secret journal SEience of the impending collision

hidden for years in the Math building: the with earth by a giant, bondi blue space cause of the stickiness of the couches in the worm, the scientific community was in an Computer Science Club office. Unfortu- uproar. Today, the European Space Ob- nately immediately after calling the Mis- servatory has finally announced that after print offke, the unnamed reporter caught searching the sky for a week, they can find a serious case of nerdity and refused to no evidence of the so-called “Worm of leave. In order to avoid spreading the con- Doom.” They have accused the American tagion any further, Misprint has decided researchers of “smoking too-much of that not to reveal the CSC Secret, and is in the bad CoIumbian crack, and damn it, they process of thoroughly fumigating their own wouldn’t give us any, or we’d be seeing the office. worm too.”

Have a rave?

Varsity curlers kidnap Imprint writer

bY bY TOY Misprint stti

0 n Friday night, while preparing for a night out, Iniprint sports writer Kate Schwass was kidnapped by

the Varsity Curling team. Amid a flurry of brooms and screams of “Hard, hard, hard,” Kate was taken to a location that was de- scribed as cold and icy.

The letter arrived yesterday. It read “We’ve got Kate. We want an apology or you’ll never see her again.” This was in reference to her article on the CurlingTeam and their alleged partying.

Imprint went to a meeting with the team at Loose Change Louie’s. “First of

all, we want it known that we don’t party. We are all very serious stude....hey, you spilled beer on me!”

Imprinthas learned a valuable lesson. We apologized to the curling team for its earlier story and we now know that they don’t party. They are just enthusiastically festive. Also, since they paid for the 14 pitchers and six pounds of wings, we de- cided to invite them to our end-of-term party. They drank two cases of Canadian and ate four plates of nachos...but they did notparty. Good for them. Boy, do we have egg on our faces!

Kate is back and has since joined the curling team. She will attend her first bonspiel next fall. Good luck, Kate!

UW opens Mano Museum

by Hack N. Slash Mlqwht st&

W ith Warrior basketball fans mourning the loss of star point guard Mano Watsa due to gradu-

ation, Department of Athletics head Judy McCrea has announced some unusual reno- vations to the Physical Activities Complex.

“As it is, the I’AC simply can’t con- tinue to operate without the continued presence of Mano,” said McCrea. “So in- stead of pouring money into useless and

many framedImprint covers of Mano from the past. The Warriors band will be locked in their office and forced to play “Waterloo, Waterloo” 24 hours a day, seven days a week as a team of Mano Girls dance every hour on the hour.

When asked about how this will affect his basketball team, Coach Tom K&wetter sobbed and dropped his head to his desk, the words “broken man” fairly written all over him. “It’s over,” he whimpered, “over. 1 have no hope. I mean, do you expect me to work with the rest of these troglodytes

“I was down with that rave. I had three hits of E ready to drop. Then Kalbfleisch opened his

big mouih and Scott cancelled it on me!” - President James Downey

outdated enterprises like squash and aero- bics, we’ll keep the spirit of Mano here forever. For fun and profit!”

The brand new Mano Museum will have many features designed to keep War- rior fans coming back. The squash courts will be outfitted with top holographic tech- nology and a basketball hoop so that cus- tomers can go one-on-one with a holo- h;iano.

The weight rooms and activity rooms will be converted to memorabilia and the

while my one-and-only hope for the future goes off and gets a job?!?” After confiscat- ing this reporter’s notepad (actually, I had a tape recorder; it was a notepad of his that I swiped before he got there) Kieswetter ushered me out of his office. The sound of bottle hitting shotglass resonated through- out the PAC for hours afterward.

Goodbye, Mano. The artificial intelli- gence of the holographic computer can never reproduce your heart (but it got your jumper down pat. Sweet).

Forgettably good Fixated on the Hip in my life too.

Like our reviewers actually know what they’re talking about

by Garth brooks Mispnitt std

G rasping the mic in his right hand, the lead singer bantered with the crowd asking, “Do you want t.0

rock? I said, do you want to rock?” Yes, the crowd wanted to rock, and they let him know so. If you missed the show last night, YOU missed out big time.

The crowd was overwhelmed by the pounding bass and drums while the guitars and vocals screamed at top volume in a Fed Hall packed to the rafters with eager fans, &mantling to hear from their favourite b;lnd.

The band took the stage in a subtle manner. Without any pretcntion they picked up their instruments and began to play some of the most amazing music ever heard on this campus. Even though I am a huge fan, I can certainly without any doubt objectively say that they were awesome, Period. Quite possibly, last night’s show was the best show ever on earth.

The band played 15 encores, which I think is a Fed Hall record. Their actual set was only two songs long, which left a great deal of time for them to complete all of the one song encores and wrap up the show in under one hour. Only a band that has the kind of respect for their fans that this band

has could possibly put on a show this good. Feedback problems were few and far

between, occurring only during the sixth, ninth and 12th encores. Credit goes to the sound guy who was probably so stoned he doesn’t remember that he still has the CD I loaned to him to play before the show.

They played a wide variety of music from their CD catalogue, and didn’t forget to play their current video and radio hit to the delight of most of the fans during the thirteenth encore. I managed to meet the band after the show, and they were defi- nitely cooi people. The guitarist, whose name I can’t remember, said that YJW rocks hard,” and that we were possibly the best show they had done on the tour. I think so too.

The mosh pit was rocking out ascrowd surfers careened off of the lights which seemed to be hung at quite a low level for the show+ Only two or three people were injured, although five were electrocuted. The band actually stopped the show for a minute as the lead singer showed some concern about the crowd surfers when he shouted, “Hey you fuckers, stop hitting the lights, you might get hurt.”

Be sure not to miss rhis band as they come through town on their next tour, I guarantee it will be a show you won’t rc- member,

Tunes for the tasteless by a Metal-lackI Freak of Nature Mlsptint staff

After the wildly’successful album Akxa-trap for hop/e with s/lie Tu.Ve, and I Low Coakit4MW Ac’temutk~, Much fol- lows up with Small Cnrsry Tunes3, which promises to be an even bigger hit their predecessors. tiilled with all

and Radiopenishead, you will never run out of totally cool music to dance to at your next house party or school event. Garbage Disposal sounds better than they have in years, since their should-be-pepro-bismal- too-pink album, and the Goo Goo Drones have a charming honestly generally lack- ing on shitty compilations for people who

will spend their ’ money on any- .

thing. the top-forty, it- will-make-you- Matthew’s cool music that Good Head- you could every band has im- possibly imag- proved a great ine, it is an inspi- deal smce their ration to anyone earlier days who has never when they had a had a mind of more original their own and lis- style. Luckily tens to the radio they have too much. It jumped in the even looks nice cookie-cutter next to your half- since then. eaten Fast This album Eddie’s burgers, guarantees you a swear: socks fes- good time. Prob- tering under ably alone+..if your bed and porn magazines peeking dis- you hang out with people who appreciate creetly out from under the socks. There is more eclectic music. no better way to waste your time and be If you are prone to cookie-cutter inspired to greater depths of alcoholism. friends, simply bring Small crzrsly Ttines

With such popular artists as The with you and you will always please those Smashing Gourds, The Partially-clothed around you and turn them into mad, raving Ladies, Snob Zombie, Middle-sized Wreck alcoholics as well.

Finally, after weeks of anticipation, Aural Fixations finally made their way to Waterloo. I was the first in line to get tickets, then I got these free ones from Imprint so I sold the ones I bought to these two kids from KU1 and made enough to buy a beer at Fed HalI.

Once I got inside the excirement was almost too much to bear. The music they were playing while Aural Fixations got ready was really, really good. They played The Tragically Hip, The Road Apples and The Wheat Kings - three of my other f’avorite bands. While waiting for the show to begin, these guys who had been drink- ing got: kicked out for fighting about who was a better cover band, The Wheat Kings or The Koad Apples. I’d have to agree with the guy whose nose got broken, The Wheat Kings are way better.

Well the band finally came out at 10130 and they played rcatly good. ‘l’hey were “tight.” It sounded like 1 was Iis-

The night finally ar- rived and 3s I cook a shower and put on my best flannel sijirt and blue jeans I thought about rhe last rime J wznt to a con-

It was really, sound ;~.r produced and it

had a live feel to it. JCSW

really fun. took pictures hut the) didn’r tuk ouL bcc~rlusc he forgot to turn the focus ring because he was so excited. But they would

have been really good. Aural Fixations played 211 of their best

songs, even the one the girls were talking about. And as a special treat they played a Tragically Hip medley. It was so much fun that I would recommend that everyone goes to see them when they come by here

tening tr) the Cl> cxccpt that the music didn’t

cert and had a lot of fun. I was really fun. So I went and picked up Jesse, my friend who was going to go with me; and we went to the concert.

While waiting in line I heard these two girls talking about how the lyrics to “I Hope This Song Changes Your Life” changed their life. They liked the lyrics which say, “You should shower every day, so you will smell okay.” I have to agree with the girls, the lyrics made a difference

agam. It was really, really fun.

Sound familiar? song.

At times the CD sounds fresh, but a bit tired. The guitar work is intricately simple and demands “Hey, listen to me,” but it doesn’toverwhelm the subtle vocals which at times are very powerful. This album is way better than their last album but doesn’t __. .._ . have thu same punch. Espeu~ally track two. Tracks eight and nine, “Hey Baby,” and

by David Sheeby “You’re all alone,” are the standout tracks, Mis,cxin t st..F but that doesn’t mean the other, tracks

don’t stand out too. In fact, the whoIe Cl3 If you like rock, rap, dance or K&R, is pretty strong, if you don’t: count tracks

you’re going to love this band. Eiailing one through nine, with the obvious excep- from North America, Our Tragic ‘Tea Party tion of tracks three, four and five. featuring Puff Daddy and Ma$e have put If you’re in the make-out or parry mood, out the CD of the year, titled Just you a?ld this CD is your ticket to happiness. I pIa>

The whole CD is pretty strong, if you don’t count tracks one through nine, with the obvious

exception of tracks three, four and five.

hie Baby. This is probably the most antici- pated sophmore debut album from a more novice experienced band.

The content is varied. Track one: is kind of slow, and track two is faster. Track three starts slow, then goes fast. But then track four changes everything and goes really fast all the way through. If you like slow songs, track five is for you. Trqick six is dedicated to all those people out there (you know who you are) who love a good

it freqently while I am bathing, dancing or just chilling. ‘The driving bass really ac- cents the keyboards. I can’t wait to set this band live, as rhey are bound to disappoint_

This band should have stayed home instead of embarassing itself by putting out this fantastic CD. It’s probably worth your time, bur then again, maybe not. As I aiways say, “lt7s maybe worth paying for.” Word, and props to Our Tragic Tea Party featuring Puff Daddy and Masc.