by lola akinmade

et’s face it.Criticism sucks.We’ve all

been subject to harsh criticismat some point in our lives, pro-fessionally or personally. War-ranted or not, we felt hurt,

embarrassed and, in some cases, livid.To truly understand how to deal with

criticism gracefully, we need first to dis-sect the situation into four elements:context, content, source and recipient.

1.TheContext“Receiving criticism can feel like a physi-cal blow to the body,” says Beth Tunis, alicensed psychotherapist based in LosAngeles. “The conversation can quicklybecome stressful. Yellers may yell, andthose that become frozen will freeze.”

You need to review the contextualsetting within which criticism is doledout before assessing how to handle it.Are you being criticized in front of oth-ers? Is it being delivered in a sarcasticstyle or inappropriate tone? Whenyou’re being criticized publicly, chancesare the criticizer has ulterior motives be-sides your personal growth in mind.

“It is good practice to learn to manageyour initial response when you are understress,”Tunis says. She suggests practic-ing basic phrases such as “I need sometime to consider what you are saying” or“I’ll get back to you on that.” Cookie-cutter responses buy you time, allow youto remain professional and help you fur-ther evaluate the other three elements.

2.TheContentCan you distinguish between construc-tive feedback and personal attacks? Is itabout a specific incident with supportingfacts or a broad sweeping critique of yourperson?

Putting ego aside to parse out harshwords is crucial. “Criticism stings,

whether you are the CEO of a largecompany or the clerk at a retail store,”says Renessa Boley, a lifestyle and suc-cess coach based in Washington, D.C.

Instead of pretending words don’tbother you, she suggests acknowledgingthat they do. Don’t retaliate verbally, butlet the other person know you recognizethe situation and are equally bothered.

Next, consider the source.

3.TheSourceDo you get the same criticism from vari-ous individuals or from a sole individualmultiple times? Most people can smell a“hater” from miles away—someonewhose sole purpose in life seems to bediscrediting every move you make.

“Whether the criticism is comingfrom a friend or an adversary, avoid thetemptation to get hung up on ‘who doesshe think she is?’” Boley says. “There’soften a modicum of truth in every criti-cism, no matter how it’s delivered, soseparate the message from the messen-ger or you will never find the gift in thecriticism.”

This brings us to you, the recipient.

4.TheRecipientThe key to handling criticism withgrace is to see it as a gift. Becoming abetter person means having morestrengths than weaknesses. If weak-nesses are constantly being pointed out,work on them. If they are intrinsic, forexample, you’re weak at negotiating butstrong at planning, move into a differentenvironment where your strengths willbe utilized, instead of constantly gettingreprimanded for being a weak negotia-tor.

If harsh criticism attacks your values,defend your integrity and denounce theinsult civilly. If you’ve clearly crossed theline professionally or hurt the otherparty’s feelings, apologize maturely.

As with every gift that’s given to you,gratitude should be expressed. So thankthe source for her criticism. The mostsuccessful individuals in life are thosewho’ve been able to take criticism objec-tively, learn from their mistakes, fix theirweaknesses and grow.�

Lola Akinmade is a writer based in Stock-holm, Sweden.

4 2 HEARTANDSOUL.COM • DECEMBER/JANUARY 2011

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