This Edition’s Topic:

How Your Baby’s Death How Your Baby’s Death

Changed YouChanged You

We hope this brings you comfort

and hope for the future.

Sharing Magazine...Sharing Magazine...Sharing Magazine... touching lives…

healing hearts…

giving hope...

Volume 24, Issue 2Volume 24, Issue 2

March/April 2015March/April 2015

Dear Friends,

Winter is limping along here in Missouri. While much less eventful than last year, we have had enough cold snaps and ice storms to have most os us yearning for spring. At the Share office, we certainly hit the New Year running, and haven’t really stopped.

The best news I have to share is an introduction to our newest Share employee, Sarah Lawrenz, who joined us February 5, as our Development Director. Sarah has ten years of experience in development and has jumped right into planning our 13th Annual Angel Ball, which is scheduled for Saturday, April 25 in St. Louis. If you are planning on attending this year, please be sure to personally welcome Sarah to our Share family. If you will not be at Angel Ball, please feel free to reach out to her at slawrenz@nationalshare.org. I know Sarah would love to hear from you. Another bit of important news reflecting our activity and focus in the national office involves our training. As a result of the grant awarded to Share by the Missouri Foundation for Health, Share is able to train many more professional and community caregivers. Most recently, Share staff traveled to Springfield, MO. It was such a pleasure seeing the enthusiasm and compassion of hospital, public health department, and doula organization caregivers committing themselves to providing the very best perinatal bereavement care within their respective communities.

Share staff also traveled to Monroe, Louisiana to present training and have upcoming trips planned to the Dallas, TX area and Columbia, MO. Share’s semi-annual Sharing & Caring will take place in March and allows caregivers and those interested in starting a Share Chapter to receive perinatal bereavement training. There is still room available if you’re interested in traveling to St. Peters, MO for this 2.5-day training. We are continually reminded about how privileged we are to be a part of this caring community.

This newsletter is another way to reach out and care for those suffering the loss of their precious babies. Often, the experience of loss is so profound as to make indelible stamp on the character and spirit of those in the suffering. As Sister Jane Marie Lamb, foundress of Share said many years ago the experience of loss is “often universal.” It is an experience that for most, leaves one a different person in many ways. As is our approach to healing in grieving, while this is a difficult topic, it is one we take courage in entering into this conversation, walking through it, together.

We hope you will find encouragement, hope and healing in the stories shared in this issue. Thank you for the privilege to walk alongside you. Please reach out, we are here for you.

Blessings to you and your family,

Debra Cochran, RN

Behind the Scenes...

Rose Carlson

Program Director

Jen Wilmes

Accounting Manager

Jennifer Stachula

Group Coordinator

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Debbie Cochran, RN

Executive Director

Cathi Lammert, RN

Education

Coordinator

Caitlyn Wood

Development

Intern

Patti Budnik

Companion

Coordinator

Jaclyn Nikodym

Development & PR

Associate

Sarah Lawrenz

Development

Director

In Every Issue...

Dear Friends……………………….…2

In Memory Of…….….….….….….….9

Features...

4………….Life After Death

5…….…...Life After Death (cont.)

5…….……Someone I Love Was Never Born

5………….Sharing & Caring Spring Bereavement Training

6……...….My Life Was Changed Forever

7……..…...Five Years Ago 8……..…..Random Act of Kindness

8……..…..Mommy Please Stop Crying

12….…...This is Ever Upward 13…….…Occasion of Grace

14……….How Our Daughter’s Death Changed Us

15……….How Our Daughter’s Death Changed Us (cont.)

15……….Share’s New Development Director 16………..Never Getting Over the Loss

17………..Never Getting Over the Loss (cont.) 17………..Book Review: Helping a Parent’s Grieving Heart

17………..Always Love

20.…...…Angel Ball 2015

Contents

Sharing is the official newsletter of Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. © 1997

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Life After Death By: Ginny Limer Poets like Thereau, authors like Stephenie Meyers, and artists like Van Gogh once filled my world with inspiration, color, and entertainment, until the death of our child turned that world upside down. I saw no color. Neither heard nor read words that could fill the emptiness in my soul or relieve the heaviness in my heart. When his heart stopped, time stopped. Our life B.C. (before child loss) had ended, and our new life A.D. (after the death of a child) had begun.

Life A.D. is riddled with questions like, “How many children do you have?” As I silently answer, “6,” the comforting words of the poetic Wildfeathers Wellness blogger Franchesca Cox echo in my heart, “A mother is not defined by the number of children you can see, but by the love she holds in her heart.” I now hold six in my heart, and five in my hands.

B.C., I quickly answered the same question with a twinkle in my eyes and pride in my posture, “6!” The children, my husband and I lived life obliviously carefree, yet aware of other people’s pains, other’s tragedies, other’s losses. Like my grandmother. B.C. (before child

loss) she would share stories about her 20 year old daughter who died suddenly in an accident, and I would listen, stretching my heart and head to understand that which cannot be understood until experienced, the death of your child. It wasn’t until A.D. (after the death of my child) that my grandma shared that she, too, was actually a mom of 6, but “only shares about 5 because #6 was a stillborn. They put that baby in a box, took it away, and we went home” without ever knowing if her child was a sixth girl, or the prince they had waited for. She neatly tucked “what might have been” away in her heart, and moved on with her life A.D.

“Moving on” with life after the death of your child takes more than strength and determination. It takes all of you—emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, and socially. Yet, ironically there seems to be nothing which once resembled you remaining, and it is during these troubling times that the words of author Nathalie Himmelrich speak to my soul: “The journey of grieving parent isn't so much about what you go through on a daily basis but who you become in the process of continuing your life without your

child."

A once carefree life is now overshadowed by fear, uncertainty and the ever-present possibility that your world can change so suddenly and without warning. Your parenting, life and coping strategies change as a result. After the death of their brother, our once docile children have been stricken with emotional scars, the occasional outburst, and they engage in risky behaviors in order to dare, or test, life. As a result, the laid-back, hands-on-when-needed approach used to parent B.C. (before child loss) has morphed into a hovering, overbearing, hands-on, smothering style. A.D. there is a greater need to over mother, over compensate, and over protect the other children, without completely going overboard. B.C. we lived.

A.D. we live to repair the despair. A.D. we live to “Turn the Hell into Heal”, finding glimmers of hope with in the dark trenches of grief. Before the death of my child, an optimistic way of thinking came as naturally as breathing, yet A.D. my thoughts must deliberately be changed from negative to positive. Reality, and

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Life After Death - cont.

grief seem to slap you in the face like a wet towel when you least expect it. When the pain is unbearable, my children and I focus on our passions. We “Turn the Pain into Passion”. We play harder, love deeper, feel stronger. We choose to live a happily ever after, even after the death of our baby boy.

As healing guru and artist Carly Marie Dudley says, “Your grief is your own. This is your story, you are the author of your own journey. You decide how the story goes.” My story, like countless others’, is one of integration, blending “what should have been” with “what is.” Our son should be blowing out three candles next month, but Cullin passed away

from SIDS, and we will celebrate his 6 months of life, love, and light, without him. And as I smile, cry, laugh, and have a bawl that day, poetic words and inspiration, thoughts from artists, authors, bloggers, and voices of the “loss community,” the “empty arms club,” those of us living a “new normal,” will lift my heavy heart.

On November 20, 2014, Time Magazine published an article titled “Someone I Loved Was Never Born.” Share was reference in the article, which resonated with a reader named Ellen Kross of San Fernando, CA. Ellen hand-knitted eight beautiful infant blankets that she mailed to Share. The blankets will be provided to Share’s Compassionate Caregivers while they are supporting the bereaved families at the time of loss. The time and love that Ellen put into each and every blanket was remarkable and will truly make a lasting impact on the families Share serves. Thank you, Ms. Kross!

Someone I Love Was Never Born: Time Magazine Article

Sharing & Caring Perinatal Bereavement Training

The National Share Office will host a Sharing & Caring: Perinatal Bereavement Training on March 25, 26, & 27, 2015 in St. Peters, MO. The training provides individuals with the tools needed to work with families who have experienced the tragic death of a baby through early pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or in the first few months of life. The training explores pertinent topics such as the rights of parents, understanding the grief process, how to run a support group effectively, and how to gain the support of hospital staff. For more information, visit www.nationalshare.org

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My Life Was Changed Forever By: Kathleen Berg

Five years ago on February 26th, 2010 I lost my angel baby, Valerie Hope. My life was changed forever the day I lost her. I think of the time before I lost her and I think I was so innocent or naïve at the way the world was. My attitude and certainly my spiritual outlook was altered in ways I could never have imagined.

A month prior to our loss, I had begun having complications with the pregnancy. I remember thinking to myself that as long as her heart was still beating, I would hang on to hope. I remember praying so hard to God to get me through that awful time and to just let my baby be born safe and unharmed. Things did not turn out the way I had imagined, and she was born at twenty one weeks. Too early to survive. Right way after she was born, I remember crying and instantly choosing “Hope” as her middle name. I had such high hopes while I carried her, and I knew I could never give up on hope.

I was always such a positive person before losing Valerie. Always trying to be there for my family. Always trying to look for the good in others. There was a saying by Anne Frank that I always tried to believe in “people are truly good at heart.” I bought into that saying whole heartedly.

I can honestly say that the biggest change in me was that I realized

people are not always there for me. They are not always by my side. Of course, the first few weeks and months, they were supportive and kind. Five years on I have noticed that very few people acknowledge my loss or the importance of speaking her name to me. The few times her name has come up in in conversations was if I spoke her name. When her name was spoken by others I was startled.

Grief is lonely. I have often felt so alone with my grief. There is often nobody to turn to. Try to find someone, anyone, who can help you get through the dark times of loss. With the exception of my husband and mother there are very few people who are there, especially after the passage of time.

I struggle with one word to this day and that is the word time. “Time heals all wounds,” “It just takes time.” Time moves so quickly and yet so slowly. I can hardly believe it will be five years since I lost her. The memories of her loss replay constantly in my mind like a movie. I remember everything so clearly— as if it happened yesterday. The truth is, I will never get over my loss. There is no amount of time that will heal my wounds. Yes, there are days when I can laugh with my other two children and focus on the love I have with my family.

Another change I have felt is a spiritual one and my relationship to God. I was born and raised Catholic and tried to pray and go to church. Having prayed so hard when I was going through my ordeal and not having the outcome of her safe arrival in my arms shattered me. I always bought into the idea that if you prayed hard

enough that God would answer your prayers in the ways that you

wanted. Certainly, God had always been there for me in the past and answered whatever prayers I needed.

Now, I feel as if God works in a different way. You can still pray to God, but God is not there to answer the prayers; He is there to provide spiritual guidance in times of trouble. His words of prayer can help see you through those dark times. It is not about giving you the things that you want but how you chose to survive and get through awful moments in life that God is truly there by your side.

If I can say anything to those who have never experienced the loss of a child, I would say: Life is precious. Life is short. You can never know when your life can change in an instant. You should value the wonderful and good things that you have in your life. There are those out there who are hurting and heartbroken. Be there for them. Be there for others, even after time has passed. You should not just be there during the week or month after a loss, but you should offer support a year or even five years after. Say I love you to your spouse, your children, your friends and family. Say it every day. You may not get the chance to say it to them.

By Kathleen Berg

Mother to Valerie Hope Berg.

Born and went to Heaven on February 26, 2010

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Five Years Ago By: Kathleen Berg

Five years ago I was changed forever.

Five years ago I felt you growing and moving inside me.

Five years ago my heart was broken.

Five years ago I heard your heart beating.

Five years ago I held you so shortly.

Five years ago you were on this earth for just two precious hours.

Five years ago was the last time I laid eyes upon you.

Five years ago the silence was so deafening.

Five years ago I kissed your cold forehead.

Five years ago I sobbed so hard I never wanted to stop.

Five years ago I left for home without you.

Five years ago my arms were empty and aching to hold you.

Five years ago I lost my sweet angel.

Five years ago I was living a nightmare.

Five years ago I loved you so much.

Five years later my life is still changed forever.

Five years later I long to feel you moving and playing beside me.

Five years later my heart is still incredibly broken.

Five years later I still remember hearing your heart beating.

Five years later I long to hold you for so much longer.

Five years later I wish you were here for more than two hours.

Five years later how I long to see you.

Five years later the silence is still quite haunting.

Five years later I wish I could kiss you all over.

Five years later I still sob just as hard.

Five years later I wish you were home with us.

Five years later my arms are still empty without you.

Five years later you are still my sweet angel.

Five years later that nightmare is still so vivid.

Five years later you are still loved so very much.

Written by Kathleen Berg In memory of Valerie Hope Berg Born five years ago on February 26th, 2010

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If you have been impacted by a Random Act of Kindness or perform a RAK, we would love to hear your story! Please email jnikodym@nationalshare.org or call 636-947-6164 to tell us about your RAK!

____________________

Here is an RAK from Sara Fisk, mother of angel babies Wendy and Peter.

I was on my way to a doctor appointment when I saw a van stall in cross traffic. I had remembered reading in one of my grief books

that one way to honor an angel baby was a random act of kindness. So, I put my emergency lights on and ran into the intersection to help. Another passerby came to help us push the van out of the way. I've seen a number of people on the side of the road that I wanted to help. I've been afraid to help them because I'm a young woman, the area wasn't safe, it was bad weather or bad lighting, or just because I don't know much about cars. My husband has stalled in some scary places and I've been stuck in the snow before. I'm so

thankful for the kind people who have helped us that I was glad I could finally pay it forward.

Random Acts of Kindness

We received this poem from Jamie Stephens, along with the following note. “A gentleman I work with, Timothy McHugh, wrote this for me soon after the death of my one day old baby boy, Cohen Joseph Stephens. It was such a blessing for myself and others closely involved, and I believe it could be meaningful to so many other mommies out there that are living the same horrify-ing nightmare that I am right now. I hope you and any others that may come to read this will be moved by the words within as much as I was.

Thank you, Jamie Stephens”

Mommy please stop crying,

I don’t understand the tears.

Here I’m always laughing,

And left behind the worldly fears.

They told you I couldn’t happen,

But you took on the fight.

Now I’ve got a place in heaven,

Let me be your guiding light.

All the struggles that you went through,

Just to make me whole.

Mommy it was worth it,

Because you gave me a soul.

Now I get to help you,

As you travel down life’s roads.

God has given me his angels,

Let me help you with your loads.

So Mommy no more sadness,

Just fill your life with joy.

I’m protected and I’m loved,

Because now Jesus has your baby boy…

Mommy Please Stop Crying By: Timothy McHugh, Written for Jamie Stephens

In Memory of… Tyler Adams In loving memory, Grandpa.

By: Michael O’Connor Kara Auffarth By: Jean Auffarth

The Kiefer Babies By: Joyce Budt

Baby Baird By: Sarah Baird

The Bald Twins

By: Kristen Bald

Corynn Boresi

By: Barb Smith

Stella and Francesca Brown

By: Susan Garrison

Mira Nicole and Sadie Kayla Brown In memory of Mira Nicole and Sadie Kayla for their 10th birthday on March 1, 2015. You will be forever loved and never forgotten! Love Mommy, Daddy, Rowan, and Sofia

By: Amy Brown

Samuel Byers By: Rebecca Witko

Evren Canbek By: Jennifer Canbek

Alexander Castillo By: Susan Woodard

Angelique-Valdivia-Castillo Baby Girl, Mommy, Daddy and your little sister love you today and always!!!

By: Maria Castillo

Caroline and Christina Maner

By: Charles Maner

Ruth Virginia Cochran

By: Tom and Marlene Evans

Garrett Charles Coleman

By: Linda McCoy

Nicholas John Coming

By: Michelle Coming Jr

Robin Craft By: Susan Craft

Emery Olivia Croson

We miss you! By: Ryan Croson

Delaney Grace Cuculich

Remembering our daughter at this special time of year!

By: Jennifer Wambach

Bless Ellsworth

By: Carrie Frazee

Stephen James Farrow By: Kathryn Farrow

Max and Gus Fearn

By: Donna J. Bishop Joshua Bruenning & Billy Fielder

By: Linda Fielder

Joshua Bruenning & Billy Fielder

By: Rita Pogue

Lynsie Fishman

By: Cynthia Layton

Noah Florian By: Trudy Hoey

Chase Foster

By: Barbara Smith

Josiah Rush Garavaglia We love you little guy! Thanks for all your help at Share ten years ago

when we experienced our loss. We still remember you appreciatively!

By: Bridget Rush

Sebastian Jose Garcia

By: Paula Shoaff

Aidan Robert Gard

By: Nadia and Robert Gard

Lillian Grace Gibson

By: Jo Gibson

Daniel Joaquin Gonzales

By: Angela Gonzales

Jack Andrew Granger II

By: Isma Granger

Grace Nicole Gray By: Carolyn Reed

Harper Grey

By: Cassie Magsig

Obed Warren Groggett

By: Dee Ledger

Andrew Hampes By: Anita Hampes

Ridge Chappel Hneleski and Sophia Nance Vein

By: Carey Hneleski

Nicholas Matthew Huggins

By: Margie Huggins

Jaxon Hurley By: Darlene Kent

Joan Louise Keith

Merry Christmas By: Mary Kopp

Gabrielle C. Kirchoff

By: Christine Kirchoff

Thank You for Your Gifts!

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Josephine LaFata

In honor of Josie at Christmas.

By: Meg & Jason Fuehne

Lauren & Emma Lambert

By: Susan Smith

Christopher Lammert

By: Wayne Alexander

By: Catherine Lammert By: Cheryl Moellenhoff

Merry Christmas to Aunt Cathi and Uncle Chuck.

By: Lisa Cosher

Adrian Edward Liang To our dear son and brother. Four years later, we still miss you.

By: Ginger Tong

All the Little Ones

By: Lee Rigg

Baby Litvag By: Ilene Litvag

Chantal Luc

By: Francoise Shirley

Harriet & DeLeia Luck

By: Deanne Luck

Jack Steven Lueckert

By: Jacqueline Lueckert

Abigail Noelle & Octavia Juliette Mangrum Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family: Kary Morgan, Charlene Wolfbrandt and Rhonda Donelson By: Rhonda Donelson

Joseph Margherio

By: Maureen Guffey

In loving memory of Joseph Margherio, from the Margherio Family

By: Mike Margherio

C.M. Martin and Clayton Micah Martin

By: Dee Erickson

Lacey McCormack We love you! She will forever be in our hearts, our angel baby Lacey. By: Rachel McCormack

Regan Ann McFarland By: Heather McFarland

Brianna Marie McGreal

By: Karen McGreal Colton Christopher Natsch

By: Jackie Natsch

Marley Caroline Neville

By: Teresa Andre

By: Roy Burch

By: Alisa Osborne

Paige Newberry

By: Cheryl Fauquher

Riley Claire Nitsch

In memory of sweet angel, Riley Claire.

By: Mindy Campbell

Theo Okeson

By: Vicky Okeson

Owen Paganini

For baby Owen

By: Mary Mahan

Kaedyn R. Patel

Never forgetting that you were loved and wanted.

By: Gail Costigan

Angelique & Michael Price, Jr.

By: Erika Becker Price Amy Noel Rathsam

By: Sharon Rathsam

Matthew Paul Rauch By: Nancy Rauch

Joshua Mirkay Redington

By: Melissa Redington

Merry Christmas to our grandson. Love, Nana & Popo

By: Frances & Nicholas Mirkay

You are forever in our hearts and prayers.

By: Michael Redington

Liliana Reinhart

By: Carri Marlow

Greyson Rentel In loving memory of Greyson Rentel

By: Victoria Morgan

Cameron Roberdeau

By: Chris Roberdeau

Steffen Roth In loving memory of Steffen Roth, our grandson.

By: Diana Cheshire

Charley Rowekamp

By: Kathy Rowekamp

Dane Schmittling

By: Barb Mennemeier

Robin Schroeder This donation was made on behalf of Robin Schroeder, who asked that her honorarium be donated to Share in loving memory of her babies: Michaela Marie, Rosanna Jeanette,

Karl Doherty, Baby Schroeder, Baby Angel, and Angel Baby Schroeder.

By: Yolanda King

Scott Shulman

By: Jeanne Shulman

Gregory Barrett Sill

By: Emily Sill

Shelby Faith Smith By: Alicia Smith

Paige Jordan Steinhoff

By: Lisa Steinhoff

Jamee Swartz

By: Diane Swartz

Jacob Thompson

We love you, Jacob! Mommy and Daddy miss you!

By: Scott Thompson

Grayson Michael Timmermann Our deepest sympathy! We love you all! Aunt Kay and Uncle Ken and Family

By: Kay Medley

By: Jeanne and Steve Brandmeyer

Coleman Christopher Urzi Merry Christmas. In loving memory of Baby Coleman. God Bless You and We Love You. Pat, Tracy and Jordyn

By: Tracy Goodall By: Judy Goodall

Brody Michael Van Riessen

By: Candi Newbury We love you and miss you! Looking forward to the day you can meet your cousin Alaina!

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David Jr., Kellen, Easton, Marek and Barrett Varady In memory of the Varady Quints, my nephews May 14, 2012… Our babies are now Heaven's Angels.

By: Keith Varady

Hunter Charles Webb In honor of our son, Hunter Charles Webb

By: Betsy Webb

Holly Renea Webster By: Sally Vanhoy

Abigail Renee Welch

By: Teresa and Sean Welch

Tess Welker

By: Brian Welker

Clayton Welsch

By: Sheldon Wettack

Colin Daniel Williams By: Dan & Lauren Williams

Mateo Thomas Wilson "When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure." As long as you live, Mateo will be remembered. As long as you live, you will be loved by so many. Our deepest sympathies, Jill, Stacey and Julie

By: Julie Behrens

Andrew Zappacosta

By: Rebecca Lando

Emma and Jessica By: Kathleen Kennedy

Ellen Elizabeth

By: Kim Dennigmann

Hope Elizabeth

Love

By: Kathy Scruggs

Baby Grace

By: Jane Krug

Madison Hope Merry Christmas. I love you to the moon and back, my precious baby.

By: Cindy Guillen

Baby Jacob By: Linda Wenger, RN

Bobby By: Collette Christoffers

Charley

By: Megan Rowekamp

Fiona

By: Justin Lammert In honor of Rachel and Fiona Hafner

Riley

By: The Eberman Family

In Honor of… Ariah Bethmann By: Elaine Bethmann Celebrating the birth of great-granddaughter Ariah Bethmann, 11-11-14 Mary Hittler By: Catherine Lammert In honor of Mary's 60th! Dr. Mike Paul By: Betsy Sinclair Dr. Paul provided superb care during my pregnancy, and we are so grateful to have two healthy babies (Miles and Charlie) who are now six months old. Key to their health (and mine) was that he accurately diagnosed a need for an early C-section. He let us know Share was an organization he supported and we want to make this donation in his honor. Friends of Share… Bravelets Allyson Kshara Baker Rudy Beck Mary E Berk Anne Brookhyser Bob Brossette Kathy L. Collier Jacqueline Cooney Sondra Dyer Kalee Evans Pam Falter Connie Faulkner Sherry Feldman Greta Frazier Suzanne Gallatin

Crystal Gatewood Teresa Gavin Dianna Glowczwskie Ursula Hall Linda Hewitt Lisa Holt Vicky and Dan Huesemann Karen Jackson Aamna Jalal Linda Jenkins Judi Kapeller Darryl Kessler Eunice Klaas Gerri Kostecki Michelle Kraus Linda Laferriere Jamesine Lamb, OSF Catherine Lammert Ginny McCook Tami Meyer-Stahl Susan Mosquera Kate and Jeremy Nichols Robert Orme Heather Pallardy Christy Phanthavong Anna Phillips Julie Picco Laura Richter Afton Ash Ririe Lynn Sabina Amy Smith Chris Stiegemeyer Tisha Van Barneveld Deb Welsch Sandra Whitener Bruce and Jean Wolff Karen Zerr Richard Zuch

Double Your Donation Dollars!

Want to maximize the impact your gifts have? Ask your employer to

match your donations. Many companies match dollar for dollar,

turning a $100 gift into $200 in just a few simple steps.

http://nationalshare.org/donate/matching-gifts/

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This is Ever Upward By: Justine Froelker, LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) and a Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator

Surviving loss, trauma and tragedy means we are forever changed. Thriving thereafter means we figure out how to be okay. Finding and moving ever upward means we figure out how to be better than okay.

Things can and will get better, but I am not sure we are ever fixed.

Sure, I am better than the week of our last failed embryo transfer, after my dream of becoming a mother in the traditional sense of the word ended forever. I was better yet a year later and better now even a few years later.

Better doesn't mean fixed

Just because a woman gets pregnant after struggling to do so or after a loss, whether or not through successful treatments or unexpectedly, does not mean she's fixed or all better.

Just because the adoption has gone through doesn't mean that the family is fixed.

Just because we have survived...

Just because we are putting one foot in front of the other...

Just because we seem or are better...

Just because we reached the goal...

Just because we are done...

Does not mean that it is like it never happened or that we are all better.

We are doing the work.

We are forever healing.

We are forever changed.

But never fixed.

Forever changed through our choices

When we have suffered through the difficulties of family planning, whether we faced pregnancy or infant loss and/or infertility or not, it comes with figuring out how to be okay with the lifelong losses—the scars. Even when we determine what our happy ending is, it doesn't undo the painful journey we've traveled before.

Working with women through the loss and the infertility process has meant that I help them to give themselves permission to feel the complicated gray of it all. Because after suffering through any level of loss and infertility, a woman just doesn't get to be excited about finally being pregnant. Loss and infertility steals this excitement and joy from us. And, what makes it even worse is when the people around us feel like we should just be okay or better or, worse yet, fixed.

Embracing the gray

Survivors of loss and infertility know the millions of things that can go wrong, because they have.

Survivors of loss and infertility know how quickly a joyful high can be crushed by the breath-stealing loss of heartbreak.

Survivors of loss and infertility no longer have the luxury of living in the black and white world many of us think, and even sometimes demand, exists.

We've lived through it, felt it all and literally embodied the complicated gray that life really is. Nothing is all good or all bad. As a therapist I work a lot with clients on challenging the unhealthy thinking pattern of black and white thinking.

Life just isn't that simple.

Infertility or not, whatever we have had to survive in this life -- and we

will all have something -- it is never I think, all good or all bad. And, I just don't think we have a choice but to be forever changed by it all somehow. This is the work we must do. The work to be okay; to be better than okay. Because, that is where our choice lies, to choose how to be okay after we've survived it.

To choose how we are forever changed.

Accepting and owning a childfree, yet childfull life, does not mean that I am fixed. Losing my three babies forever changed me, but it is within my power to choose how they changed me. For today, it is in finding my purpose to use the gifts He has given me. It is in giving myself and others the permissions we need to truly embrace all of ourselves. The permissions to make choices not through desperation or fear, but through wholeheartedness and love. The permissions to determine when our enough and everything is.

To stop proving it. To truly own it. To break the silence. To embrace it all. Living wholeheartedly brave.

This is my story.

This is our story.

This is Ever Upward.

Justine Froelker is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator (based on the research of Brené Brown) with a private practice in St. Louis, Missouri.

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The Death of a Young Loved One as an Occasion of Grace By: Mark J. Zia, S.T.D.

If I were to ask a dozen people, “What is the worst thing that could happen in life,” I have no doubt that “death of a loved one” would be a common response, and if I were to ask what could be even worse than the death of a loved one, indubitably an even more heart-wrenching response would be, “The death of a loved one who was also a child.” It has been 3½ years since the death of my young-est son, who unexpectedly passed from this life to the next shortly after his birth. I am thankful to Al-mighty God for him, who lived and thrived for many months within our family while still in the womb. When there could just as well not have been life, God gifted us with the life of our little boy, whom we were able to hold in the hospital and who will always live in our hearts.

In these past few years, I have often reflected on the difficult questions of life, including the meaning of death of the innocent, and yet as I continue to grieve, I also continue to see more than a ray of hope in an otherwise tragic situation. It is an unexpected journey for me, be-cause as a professional theologian, I have always approached these is-sues from an academic perspective but never a first-hand lived-through experience. Citing the dif-ference, Pope Pius XII said it best: “We get learning from books, but we get wisdom from suffering.”

Fulton J. Sheen once wrote in his masterpiece “The Life of Christ” that “Some things in life are too

beautiful to be forgotten, but there can also be something in death that is too beautiful to be forgotten.” Emptiness, sadness, anger, and a feeling of helplessness do exist in the natural sphere when we consid-er the death of a young loved one; however I would like to reflect briefly on the element of “beauty” concerning the death of a young loved one that we sometimes over-look due to the intensity of our pain.

God granted me the presence of mind to have bottled water on hand for my wife in labor, which I was able to use to baptize my son the moment he was born. At that mo-ment as he straddled time and eter-nity, he was made a true son of God and heir to heaven, being reborn in water and the Spirit without ever having known personal sin. And moments later he was called home.

In faith we know that a newly bap-tized child who dies immediately enters heaven as a new saint of God, and despite my sorrow and continuous “what if” questionings in my heart about whether we could have done anything different-ly to save my son, in faith I under-stand that he has already been saved and now stands before God as a powerful mediator for the rest of my family.

How awesome it is to have certain knowledge that my son is a saint! How incredibly comforting is it to know that my wife and I perfected our roles as father and mother to

this little boy in that we were suc-cessful through God’s grace in get-ting him to heaven! How joyful will it be at the moment of death when Our Lord will tell my wife and I, “Your son here with me has spoken well of you.”

When we face such tragedies in life, indeed we must grieve and certain-ly, we will never forget. But I invite you in your own lives – if you have not yet done so – to look more deeply with the eyes of faith into an otherwise horrible situation and ask yourselves whether with your own heartaches in life you might see in your hardship a powerful oc-casion of grace.

-Mark J. Zia, S.T.D. Associate Professor of Theology, Benedictine College Atchison, Kansas

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We got pregnant on our honeymoon; our wedding was December 29, 2001. New Year on the horizon, new marriage, and now a new baby on the way. Not exactly how we planned it, but we were welcoming this blessing with love and open hearts. Jana Sierra was born silent on September 15, 2001. But, let me back up a bit and go back to how I got here.

Growing up, I played with dolls: Barbie dolls, baby dolls, rag dolls. It was fun...playing house and having babies. As I got older, I had several babysitting jobs. I really loved the babies; they were warm, soft, easy to care for. I loved playing with the older children too. Games were always imagination flying high. High school came along, and plans started rolling differently. I wanted college and veterinary school. No marriage was in my sights and certainly no babies. Then, I met my husband. We were excited as the months of pregnancy passed. I followed the diets the doctor gave me, took my vitamins, and walked on a regular basis with my mom. I loved watching my belly grow; loved the flutters as our baby moved; then loved it when my husband and I could actually see our baby move, as feet and hands created ripples across my belly. We looked forward to all the firsts - first visit with grandparents, first

Christmas, first roll-over, first smile, first steps, first birthday, first words. As the months progressed, we thought of baby names, boy and girl names. We didn't want to know the gender; we wanted to be surprised. Finally, the day arrived. Contractions started early Saturday morning. Our dog watched me nervously as he sensed the contractions before I felt them myself. The first trip to the hospital ended up with a trip back home. Not ready...baby wasn't ready, my body wasn't ready. We made a second trip that night and the labor progressed into the next morning. About 4:30 am, the doctor performed an ultrasound because nothing was progressing the way it should, and he wanted to ensure things were okay. The baby was face-up in the birth canal, and I

wasn't dilating the way I should have been, based on the baby's positioning. A cesarean section was determined to be our best birthing option. In preparation for all this, the scalp lead could not detect her heartbeat. The nurses then placed an

external monitor on and picked up what they thought was the baby's heartbeat but was later determined to actually be an echo of my own heartbeat. We only assume that this was when we really started losing her. In the operating room, when they pulled the baby out, my husband, Jacob, told me that we

had our Jana Sierra. I asked why she wasn't crying. He told me that it was normal for the baby not to cry right away after a cesarean birth. I continued to ask him why she wasn't crying for what seemed an eternity. He watched the doctors as they tried to resuscitate her, though he wouldn't tell me that. He just told me to be calm. Yeah right! After a lifetime of waiting, one doctor came over and told us she didn't have a heartbeat nor was she breathing. He said they would keep working awhile longer. Later, he came back and told us she was gone. They had done everything possible, but they could not save her. I didn't want to believe it the first time he told us, and I certainly didn't want to believe him now. In the recovery room, the nurses brought Jana to us so we could hold her. Jacob brought my parents into the recovery room, and they cried with us over the loss of our precious daughter. It was a hurt that no parent wants to see their child go through; a hurt that is impossible to fix. No band aid can heal it. So, how did Jana's passing change us? We couldn't wait to have another baby, not to replace the baby we lost, but rather to try and fill that void in our hearts. I wanted to hold my baby, nurse my baby, and watch my baby grow. In November 2003, we welcomed our first rainbow, Dean, and in September 2005, we welcomed our second rainbow, Connor. We couldn't have been happier at those moments, yet they were bittersweet...we should have had three babies in the house. Instead, we had two birth certificates and one death certificate. The change began. I researched and found the MISS Foundation and discovered

How Our Daughter’s Death Changed Us By: Christa Buerkle Alford

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Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc., a national nonprofit organization, is pleased to announce a new Development Director, Sarah Lawrenz.

Beginning on February 5, 2015, Sarah’s primary role will be to manage the comprehensive development plan, enhancing the mission of the agency under the direction of and in collaboration with the Executive Director. “We are very excited to have Sarah as part of our Share staff. She brings a depth of knowledge and experience that will continue to

help Share serve more grieving families,” said Share Executive Director, Debbie Cochran.

The primary mission of Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. is to serve those who experience the tragic death of a baby through early pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or in the first few months of life. Our secondary mission is to provide resources and training to professionals and community caregivers, equipping them to care for bereaved families.

Lawrenz holds a bachelor’s degree

in Communication and a master’s degree in Non-Profit from Lindenwood University in St. Charles, MO. Sarah has extensive development experience with over nine years in fundraising and over 14 years of experience in private schools.

Share Welcomes New Development Director

how I could get Jana's stillbirth recognized by my home state. I wrote my state senators and proceeded to move forward in passing a bill for Birth Certificates Resulting in Stillbirth for my home state. I testified at a State Senate hearing in February 2007, and in May 2007, right before Mother's Day, I received a call that the bill passed. Effective January 1, 2008, our Jana would receive a Birth Certificate Resulting in Stillbirth, as well as all other babies born still before and after this bill. I helped in giving our silent baby a voice, as well as so many others. This would not bring back our babies, nor would it end the pain of the loss, but it would help knowing our babies' births would now be recognized. Now, I do what I can to help provide some comfort to other loss

parents, whether it's a kind word, an anonymous donation of kindness, a heart-filled letter, an ornament on our tree in memory of another loss baby, or a hand-made afghan to give to parents to wrap their loved babies in, knowing that their loss babies are loved by others, too. That's how I have changed, and how Jana's death has changed our family. We have become more sensitive to the loss of other babies, more supportive to other loss parents. I have made it a life goal to recognize each loss as a life, to honor each baby, to love each baby and each parent, to help them in any way I can. I let them know that their babies matter to us, too. Our rainbows know about their sister and talk openly about her. They help in supporting Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. It is a family affair now, one that we share together.

We still celebrate her birthday and the boys help pick flowers and balloons for her. Yes, our family, and our lives, have certainly changed. However, we feel it changed us for the better. Would we change the past if we could? I'm not sure how to answer that question. I would love to have our daughter here with us, growing up with her brothers. However, I believe that her loss has given us a stronger family bond, made us appreciate what we do have as a family more, make us love each other and each moment together that much more. We never wanted to lose a baby, but because we have, we feel we have a deeper sense of understanding and compassion for others who suffer and survive the loss of a child. And now, we want to help others feel a change, too.

How Our Daughter’s Death Changed Us (cont.)

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Never Getting Over the Loss By: Jessica Pacat

The loss of BrynnLee has changed me, but I often think it was in a more negative way than anything positive. It has been almost two years, and I’m not over it. A mother never gets over the loss of a child, but I feel as if I should be doing better than I am. First, getting pregnant has never been easy for my husband and I. We tried to conceive our first child, Kane, for over a year and a half before it happened. I saw a doctor and was told technically speaking there was no reason we shouldn’t conceive. We tried three months of Clomid, without success, and I had finally accepted it just wasn’t going to happen. That was heartbreaking, as I always wanted to be a mother. Three months later, we did conceive. We were ecstatic! It was a very uneventful pregnancy and while I labored the whole way, I had to eventually have a C-section. Kane is a bright and funny 5-year-old now, and I am so blessed to have him in my life. Fast-forward to when Kane was about a year and a half old, we decided we wanted another child. True to form, it took over a year and a half to conceive. From the beginning the pregnancy was an emotional one. When I went in for my first visit, my doctor was unable to confirm the pregnancy via a vaginal ultrasound. She prepared me for the worst, which was that I had lost the baby already, but also told me there are things we should check. I had blood work completed and a more extensive ultrasound at the hospital. With that, they confirmed I was actually 6 weeks pregnant. This seemed a bit off from my last period date, but I understand now that some women can ovulate later, etc.

I was nauseous all the time, I had some pretty serious food aversions, and I had pelvic pressure my whole pregnancy. At 6 months in to the pregnancy, I was also diagnosed with high blood pressure and was put on a home blood pressure monitoring system, took medicine and was told to take it easy. I had to have non stress tests (NST) twice a week towards the end. I did not find this out until several months later, but on two occasions I went in to labor and delivery because of some pretty sever pain under my ribs. I was tested for pre-eclampsia on both occasions with no other checks done. I did find out later that I had gallstones, which caused the pain. All in all, a very EVENTFUL and scary pregnancy. On the day of my last scheduled NST, I woke up and did not feel right. I didn’t feel sick or anything, but I knew something was wrong. I took a shower and sat on the bed waiting to feel my little girl kick. I couldn’t feel anything. My husband asked what was wrong. I was honest and told him I thought something was wrong and instead of waiting to go in for my appointment later in the day, I was going to go early. I stopped to eat hoping that some food might rattle her cage, but there was nothing. When I arrived, I let them know I came early and why. They put me in a room to start my NST. Typically, I would hear her heartbeat right away, but there was nothing. The nurse moved it around and found nothing. I knew, even though she tried to calm me and tell me maybe she is just in a weird spot. She went to get my doctor. They brought in the ultrasound machine and found she had no heart beat. Another doctor came in to confirm the same thing. I broke down and then had to

call my husband and my mother. When my husband called our friends to come watch our son, they assumed it was happy news. It wasn’t.

I had to drive home, crying, knowing my little girl was dead inside me. I had to pick up my packed hospital bag that was also packed to bring baby girl home and get my husband so we could drive back to the hospital. I found myself angry and throwing things. I didn’t feel it was fair. God was punishing me for something, but I didn’t know what. The guilt was there; had I done something to cause this? Was it from cleaning the bathroom like a crazy lady the day before? Should I not have had that one cup of coffee the other day? Why? She was fine and she suddenly isn’t here a week before she is scheduled to be delivered? As it turns out, my little girl had gotten tangled in her cord, which cut off her oxygen. When she was delivered, the doctors couldn’t believe it. She had the cord wrapped around her body three times and once around her neck. They told me she had a beautiful face, and it was the first time I’d ever seen my husband cry. Explaining things to my three year old, who still talks about it at 5, was very hard. He wanted his baby sister to teach things to and love. And he still does. How has this changed me? I’m thankful for what I have and do not take things for granted. My faith has been renewed. I am more charitable. I recently decided to give up my wedding dress, something very precious to me, to donate to Angel Gowns in BrynnLee’s memory. My relationship with my husband has changed. Going through something like that makes

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Book Review: Helping a Parent’s Grieving Heart By: Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

a couple stronger. Let’s be honest, these are the only positive things I can say that came out of that experience. Otherwise, I’m still sad, feel guilty, miss her, and still don’t think it’s fair.

Writing this made me feel better actually. It all stays in my head; never have I been able to put it down anywhere. So, thank you, for giving me the opportunity to do that.

Never Getting Over the Loss (cont.)

By Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. - One idea per page offers compassionate, action-oriented suggestions for help healing. It touches on common challenges such as dealing with marital stress, helping surviving sib-lings, dealing with hurtful advice and exploring guilt.

This book is available on Share’s online store for $12.50.

Purchase on the Share online store - click here.

Writing isn't my thing...I'm a storyteller but with my camera. Following is a blogpost I wrote about my passion for what I'm doing, but what it doesn't talk all the much about is my personal heartache. I still struggle with allowing myself to feel the pain over our loss. I am constantly comparing it to the loss that others have experienced and keeping it tucked away.

In February of 1997 we lost our baby when I was four months pregnant. It was a terrifying, painful and heartbreaking experience. For almost eighteen years I have failed to see the purpose or the "hidden blessing" in that loss, and I have remained slightly bitter and haunted by it, in fact. Until recently.

I was asked to provide some photography services for a family that was expecting a loss and I recoiled...I was not the girl for the job, it simply hit too close to home, so I declined repeatedly. One day, I got a call that came at just the right time, and for whatever reason, I felt a surge of compassion so deep that I agreed to come.

While waiting in the hall for this baby to be born, I felt a sense of peace deeper than I thought I was capable of. Realistically, it didn't make sense; I had no experience with hospital lighting and given the emotional situation ahead of me...I wasn't prepared. When I entered the room and saw this young mom cradling her newborn protectively, something in me

opened up. As I looked down at the little girl with abnormalities beyond what I ever knew could exist, I saw the most beautiful soul. In that moment I knew I could do this. I was filled with a purpose....to give this mom what I never had, beautiful memories.

It's only been six months since I started this work, and I have been changed, my heart has been healed in a way I never thought it could be. I have been able to work with nine families, and it's my goal to be able to offer my services to anyone that needs them.

Here's the great thing...this is my healing. It's not what I imagined it would look like for sure, but it's working. Lot's of days, I'm frustrated that financially I can't do more, serve more families that is, but I'm trying to remember that's it's taken almost 18 years for this to come to life, and clearly, there's a plan. My heart is open and willing to serve, and Grace will make that happen.

Visit Jennifer’s blog: http://www.jenniferwolsey.blogspot.com/2014/06/alwayslove.html

{always.love} By: Jennifer Wolsey

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Share thanks those who have so graciously given these monetary donations in memory of a baby, relative, friend, and in

honor of all loved ones and through Matching Gift Programs. Gratuitous donations are also accepted from anyone who

wants to help Share in its mission. We gratefully acknowledge these gifts, which help us continue to reach out and fulfill

the daily needs of bereaved parents. Share’s services are available free of charge to bereaved parents, family and friends,

or anyone whose life has been touched by the loss of baby.

When you make a donation in memory of a/your baby(ies), please include the name(s) of the baby(ies), the birth/death

date(s) and the parents name(s). If you donate in memory/honor of a special loved one, please include their name(s) and

pertinent information. A short message may also be included with any donation.

Share’s mission is to serve those who are touched by the tragic death of a baby through early pregnancy loss, stillbirth or

in the first few months of life.

Six times a year, we share information and ideas from parents and professionals to support and provide a sense of

friendship for bereaved parents. We hope you will find this magazine helpful and that you will share it with others you

feel it would interest.

We encourage you to send your personal articles, stories, poems, artwork and recipes to our magazine at any time.

Please do not submit copied, copyrighted, or web articles. The Magazine Editor reserves the right to edit your personal

submission for content and/or length to fit the needs of the particular magazine edition in which it will appear. Your

submission may be used for the current magazine, or may be used in a future publication. All submissions become the

property of Share.

Please include all pertinent personal information so we may identify you and your baby/ies in the respective publication.

Your submission grants Share permission to list your personal information with the publication unless instructed

otherwise.

Magazine Submission Guidelines:

1. Please provide title, authors’ name and applicable loss information for article submissions. If donating monetarily in

memory of a baby, please provide loss information, including the parent’s name(s).

2. Submissions must be received no later than the 1st of the month, one month prior to issue month. If you are making

a donation and would like to be recognized, or honor a birthday or anniversary, in the most recent edition of the

magazine, then it, must be received by the 10th of the month, two months prior to the publication.

3. Please type your submissions in single spaced, 10 point, Times New Roman or Arial font when possible.

4. Submissions can be mailed to 402 Jackson, St. Charles, MO 63301, e-mailed to mnichols@nationalshare.org or faxed

to 636-947-7486.

Sharing Magazine Information:

Sharing Magazine is published by Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support, Inc. If you would like to reprint articles/submissions from Sharing please properly cite Share and the writer by stating the name of the organization, website, magazine, volume, issue, and author in your acknowledgements. If you would like to reprint an article/ submission that is copyrighted by an author or a publishing company, you must obtain permission from the copyright holder to reprint. Email questions to rcarlson@nationalshare.org.

Would you like to be removed from

mailing lists?

To remove bereaved parents’ names from mailing lists you can visit

http://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs4-junk.htm#MPS

-OR- Send a letter plus a $1 check or money order to:

Mail Preference Service Direct Marketing Association

PO Box 643 Carmel, NY 10512

The Mission

With Gratitude

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Upcoming Issues of

Sharing

Magazine

May/June 2015

Mother’s Day/Father’s Day and Grief

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day

are often some of the most difficult days bereaved parents

face. If your only child has died, you may wonder, “Am I still a

parent?” Even if you have living children, these days can be challenging to get through

when a part of their family is missing. For this issue, we want

to share stories, poems and ideas on how you have

celebrated these two special days. Have you created some new family traditions? Has someone done something

especially kind and meaningful to acknowledge you as grieving

parents? Have you and your spouse done special things for

each other? Deadline for materials:

April 15, 2015

July/August 2015 Connecting With Nature

Often, grieving parents find

comfort and strength in connecting with nature after

their baby dies as doing so can serve as a reminder of the circle of life. Have you created a quiet outdoor retreat in your garden or dedicated a tree in a park or

other public place? Do you enjoy an outdoor activity such

as such as hiking, camping, kayaking, etc. that soothes

your soul? Or do you have a special outdoor place you enjoy going to reflect and calm your

mind? If any of these activities, or others, have given you a sense of peace, renewal and

hope anytime throughout your grief journey, we want to share

your stories, photographs, poems and/or other artwork in

this issue. Deadline for materials:

June 15, 2015

Submit your stories, poems and artwork to

rcarlson@nationalshare.org

Connect on Facebook

Search: Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support

Share offers several social communities in addition to

support groups. Search: Share Bereaved Families Peer Support for

general bereavement or Share Subsequent Pregnancy Peer Support if

you are currently pregnant or are planning to become pregnant

following the death of a baby. Please note that these are closed groups

and membership must be approved by an administrator.

Get the magazine delivered directly to your inbox!

In an effort to reduce our carbon footprint, we have

decided to make the magazine available online. If you

would like to receive a copy via email, we would be

happy to add you to our mailing list. Visit

www.nationalshare.org then click ‘Subscribe’ in the

top right corner!

Find a Share Chapter Near You!

For a full list of all Share Chapters across the country, please visit

http://www.nationalshare.org/Groups.html.

Need Resources? Shop on Share’s online store for books, gifts, memorial keepsakes and much more! https://www.z2systems.com/np/clients/share/giftstore.jsp

Follow Share on Pinterest for ideas and information

on memory making, jewelry, grief support resources,

books, holiday traditions and so much more!

Read our most current blog posts at www.nationalshare.blogspot.com

Stay connected

on Twitter!

@Share1977

We continue to expand our video library on YouTube.

Watch What’s Happening!

Angel Ball 2015: April 25, 2015

13th Annual Angel Ball Dinner & Auction

April 25, 2015 @ 6pm

Saint Louis Marriott West

$100/ticket

Tickets are now available on www.nationalshare.org.

REGISTER NOW!

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#GiveSTLDay: 24 Hours of Giving

Set a phone reminder and mark your calendar for May 5, 2015, known as Give STL Day!

Once again, Share Pregnancy & In-fant Loss Support will be partici-pating in this 24-hour giving initia-tive to support local nonprofits.

Large and small gifts will combine for big impact, resulting in support free of charge for bereaved families

across the nation.

Visit www.givestlday.org for addi-tional details, and don’t forget to give on May 5!

Follow Share on Twitter (@Share1977) and like our Face-book page for continual updates.