how to succeed in business without really trying · pdf file­iii ­ how to succeed in...

149
L IBRETTO V OCAL B OOK THE FRANK LOESSER AND ABE BURROWS MUSICAL Music and Lyrics by Frank Loesser Book by Abe Burrows, Jack Weinstock, & Willie Gilbert Based on “How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying” By Shepherd Mead

Upload: dinhdieu

Post on 06-Feb-2018

300 views

Category:

Documents


13 download

TRANSCRIPT

Page 1: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

LIBRETTOVOCALBOOK

THEFRANKLOESSERANDABEBURROWSMUSICAL

MusicandLyricsbyFrankLoesser

BookbyAbeBurrows,JackWeinstock,&WillieGilbert

Basedon“HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying”

ByShepherdMead

Page 2: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­ii­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

CHARACTERS

J.PIERREPONTFINCH

GATCH

JENKINS

TACKABERRY

PETERSON

J.B.BIGGLEY

ROSEMARY

BRATT

SMITTY

BUDFRUMP

MissJONES

Mr.TWIMBLE

HEDY

SCRUBWOMEN

MissKRUMHOLTZ

TOYNBEE

OVINGTON

POLICEMAN

WOMPER

TheentireactiontakesplaceinthenewParkAvenueofficebuildingofWorldWideWicketCompany,Inc.

Page 3: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­iii­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

MUSICALNUMBERS

ACT1Overture 1

1. Opening–ActOne 12. HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying 13. HappyToKeepHisDinnerWarm 123a. GoodMorning(EntranceSecretaries) 134. CoffeeBreak 144a. FrumpOnThePhone 215. TheCompanyWay 266. TheCompanyWay(Reprise) 347. Rosemary’sPhilosophy 388. Hedy 39

9. ASecretaryIsNotAToy 429a. TheExecutives'Exit 44 10. BeenALongDay 4911. BeenALongDay(Reprise) 5511a. SaturdayMorning 5612. GrandOldIvy 5913. GrandOldIvy(Reprise) 6313a. Vassar 6414. Hedy’sWalk 6814a. OnwardAndUpward 6914b. Girlsville 6915. ParisOriginal 7116. TheCompanyWay(aLaDanceBand) 7616a. TheExecutiveLanding 7617. ElevatorDance 7717a. EtherealGrandeur 79 18. Rosemary 81 19. RipTheChipmunk 87 20. Finale­ActOne 91

ACT221. Entr'acte 9322. Opening­ActTwo 9323. Cinderella,Darling 9524. IHaveReturned 10125. HappyToKeepHisDinnerWarm(Reprise) 105

25a. Knitorama 10526. LoveFromAHeartOfGold 10826a. TheLunchDate 11127. IBelieveInYou 11327a. IntoBoardRoom 11528. T.V.Announcement 12529. TheYo­Ho­Ho 12630. Hedy’sFanfare 12630a. TheFirstClue 12730b. Disaster 12831. IBelieveInYou(Rosemary) 13132. Doom 13333. BrotherhoodOfMan 13934. MoreDoom 143 34a. Hallelujah 14635. Finale(TheCompanyWay) 14636. Bows 14637. ExitMusic

Page 4: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­1­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Overture (Orchestra)

ACTONESceneI

#1–OpeningAct1 (Orchestra)

(EXTERIOROFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANYAttheendoftheOverturethehousecurtain goes up. A one­manwindowwashingmachine descendswith FINCH on it. He iswearingawindowwasher'scoveralls.Heworksonawindowwithasqueegeeandattheswiietimereadsapocketbook,"HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying."Wedon'tseeFINCH’sfaceimmediately.WethenhearthevoiceofthebooktellingwhatFINCHisreading.)

BOOKVOICE

Dear Reader, This little book is designed to tell you everything you need to know about thescienceofgettingahead.

(FINCHturnsfronttowardtheaudience,andturnspageinthebook.)Now let us assume you are young, healthy, clear‐eyed and eager, anxious to rise quickly andeasilytothetopofthebusinessworld.Youcan!

FINCH

(Lookingup)Ican!

(Hecontinueslookingatbook.)

BOOKVOICEIf you have education and intelligence and ability, so much the better. But remember thatthousandshavereachedthetopwithoutanyofthesequalities.

(Scaffoldlowerstothefloor.)

Justhavecourageandmemorizethesimplerulesinthechaptersthatfollow.Ifyoutrulywishtobeamongtheluckygoldenfew,youcan!

FINCHIcan!

(Heputssqueegeedowninpailtohisleft.Hebeginstothumbthroughthebookrapidlyandstartstosing.)

#2–HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying(Finch)

FINCHHOWTOAPPLYFORAJOB…

(Stepsoffscaffold.)

HOWTOADVANCEFROMTHEMAILROOM…

Page 5: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­2­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(FINCH)

(Sitsonscaffoldrail.)

HOWTOSITDOWNATADESK…HOWTODICTATEMEMORANDUMS…

(Rises,crossesD.L.ofC.)

HOWTODEVELOPEXECUTIVESTYLE…HOWTOCOMMUTEINATHREEBUTTONSUIT...WITHTHATWEARYEXECUTIVESMILE.

(CrossesL.)

THISBOOKISALLTHATINEED…"HOWTO,HOWTOSUCCEED."

(Exteriorbuildingdropout,revealingvariousOFFICEPERSONNELinatableaushowingofficeactivity.)

Scene2

(CORRIDOROFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANY.FINCHnowstandsamongPEOPLE,crossestocenterandcontinuessinging.)

FINCH

HOWTOOBSERVEPERSONNEL.HOWTOSELECTWHOMTOLUNCHWITH.HOWTOAVOIDPETTYFRIENDS...HOWTOBEGINMAKINGCONTACTS.HOWTO…

(FINCHcontinuestolookatbook.)

BOOKVOICE

Howtochoosetherightcompany.Beforeapplyingforajob,makesureyouhavechosentherightcompany.Itisessentialthatthecompanybeabigone.Itshouldbeatleastbigenoughsothatnobodyknowsexactlywhatanyoneelseisdoing.

(FINCHthencrosses(U.R.aboveJENKINS,listeningtotheirconversation.Aftereachofthefollowingconversations,thevariousOFFICEPERSONNELresumethefrozenposes.)

GATCH

(U.R.)Say,Joe,I'vegotacomplaintfromourdealersinCleveland...aboutthatlastshipmentofwickets.Theyonlygothalftheirwickets.Theyorderedthreehundredthousand.

JENKINS

(L.ofGatch)Iknow,Mr.Catch,buttheywantedtwo‐tonedwicketsandweranout.

(PINCHcrossesL.toJohnson.)

Page 6: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­3­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

JOHNSONRanout?Whatisthis,ahotdogstand?

CATCHLook,thisistheWorldWideWicketCompany.We'resupposedtobethelargestsingleproducerofwicketsintheworld.

JENKINS

Nowtakeiteasy,Mr.Catch.Therewastroubleatoureasternplant...abreakdown.

CATCHWellgetontheball.IwanttokeepClevelandwicket‐minded.

JENKINSYes,sir.

(CrossesL.toMatthews.FINCHcrossesDR.ofC.)Oh,Mr.Matthews,anynewsaboutthebreakdown?

MATTHEWS(C.)

Oh,I'mfeeling,muchbetter.

PETERSON(L.ofC.)

Oh,say,Tackaberry,didyougetmymemo?

(FINCHcrossesR.ofPETERSON.)TACKABERRY

(TurnsR.toPETERSON)Whatmemo?

PETERSONMymemoaboutmemos.We'resendingouttoomanymemosandit'sgottostop.

TACKABERRYAllrightI'llsendoutamemo.

(ALLstillremainfrozen.)FINCH

(CrossesL.)Therightcompany!

(FINCHputsbookinwiremailbasketheldbyOFFICEBOYfarleft,removesbreakawaycoveralls,tossesthemoffstageleft,picksupbook,beginstosing.)THISBOOKISALLTHATINEED"HOWTO,HOWTOSUCCEED."

Page 7: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­4­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(FINCHcrossesR.ROSEMARYentersL.,carryingfolderofpapers.OFFICEPERSONNELbreakfreezeandexit.J.B.BIGGLEYentersR.,surroundedbyFOURHENCHMEN.FINCHcrossesR.,bumpsintoBIGGLEY,knockshimdown.HENCHMENhelphimup,sayingthingslike"Areyouokay,Mr.BIGGLEY?"etc.)

BIGGLEY

Nevermind,nevermind.

(Aroar.)Backtowork,everybody!

(THEYallscuttleoffstage.ROSEMARYgoesalittlemoreslowlyandlingersattheleftside,listening.)

BIGGLEY

(ToFINCH)Youheardme!Isaidbacktowork!

FINCH(L.ofBIGGLEY)

I'msorryIbumpedintoyou,sir,butIwouldliketoapplyforajob.

BIGGLEY

Ajob?DoyouknowwhoIam?

FINCHNo,sir.

BIGGLEY

(Goingrighton)

I'mJ.B.Biggley.I'mpresidentofthiscompany,that'swhoIam.Infact,that'swhothehellIam.Howdareyoucometomeforajob?

FINCHI'msorry,sir,butI

BIGGLEYWhydoyouthinkIhaveapersonnelman?WhydoyouthinkIhaveawholedamnedpersonneldepartment?Son,youbumpedintothewrongman.

(StartsOffR.)

Damndamncoal‐burningditheringdingdingding.

(HeexitsR.)

ROSEMARY(CrossingR.)

I'msorry.Iknowhowharditistofindajob.I'vebeenthroughthatkindofthingmyself.

FINCH

Thankyou,Miss.You'reverykind.Couldyoutellmewherethepersonnelofficeis?

Page 8: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­5­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARY(Amazed)

Personnel?

(ShepointsU.R)It'srightthere.

FINCHThankyou.

(Hestartsforpersonnel,crossingL.belowRosemary.)

ROSEMARY

(CrossingL.toC.,stoppinghim)You‐you'renotdiscouraged?

FINCH(CrossesL.)

Ofcoursenot.I'mpreparedforexactlythissortofthing.

ROSEMARY(CrossesL.)

Say!MyfriendSmittyworksinPersonnel.Maybeshecanhelpyou.

(StartsoffR.)Youwaithere.

(SheexitsR.)

FINCH(Callingafterher)

But,Miss,it'snotreally

(HeshrugsandstartsforthePersonneldoorU.L.BRATTcomesoutofdoor.)

BRATT

(L.ofFINCH,stoppinghim)Wheredoyouthinkyou'regoing?

FINCHToseethepersonnelmanager,sir.

BRATTI'mthepersonnelmanagerandwe'renothiringanyonetoday.

(CrossesR.belowFINCH.)

FINCHWell,IwasjustspeakingtoMr.Biggley

Page 9: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­6­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT(Stops,looksathim)

Biggley?

FINCHYes,sir.

BRATTJ.B.Biggley?

FINCHYes,sir.Hetoldmetoseeyou.

(Smilesoutfront.NOTE:ThissmileisthefirstofseveralthatFinchusesthroughouttheshow.Thesesmilesareveryimportant.TheyarecommunicationsbetweenFinchandtheaudience.TheytelltheaudiencewhenFinchhassuccessfully,workedoneofhisploys.Thesmileisagentle,MonaLisasmile.Itshouldlooklikeacatthatjustswallowedacanaryandishappyaboutit.Whenhedoesit,Finchshouldturnhisheadquicklytotheaudienceandgivethemthesmiledirectly.ThestagingoftheothercharactersonstageshouldbesoarrangedthattheyarenotevenawarethatFinchissmilingtotheaudience.Thisparticularsmileshouldonlybeusedinthekeyspotsthataremarkedinthescript.Careshouldbetakenthattheyarenotoverdone,otherwisetheywilllosetheirimpact.)

BRATT

(CrossesL.toFINCH)

J.B.Biggley,himself?Youwerespeakingtohim?

FINCHYes,sir.Ijustbumpedintohim.

BRATTAh,isheafriendofyours?

FINCH

(Modesthesitation)Sir,Idon'tthinkamanshouldtradeonfriendshiptogetajob.

BRATTVerywellput,youngman.Well,ifyoustepintomyoffice,Ithinkwecanworksomethingout.MynameisBratt.

(Extendinghishand.)Andyouare

FINCH

(Shakinghishand)Finch,sir.PierrepontFinch.

Page 10: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­7­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT(Smiling)

Pierrepont.Say,maybethatoughttobeJ.PierrepontFinch.

(Laughs.)

FINCHAsamatteroffact,sir,itis.

BRATT(Stopslaughing,)

Well,stepintomyoffice.

(THEYbothgoU.L.throughthedoor.ROSEMARYreentersR.,tugging.SMITTYbythehand.)

SMITTY

(FollowingROSEMARY)

GoodGod,RosemaryyoucouldatleasthaveletmefinishmyMetrecal.

ROSEMARY

(R.ofC.)

Thisisimportant,Smitty.Iknowyoucanhelphim.

(Looksaround,seesthatFINCHisgone.)Whereishe?

SMITTYHowwouldIknow?

ROSEMARYHemusthavegoneintoMr.Bratt'soffice.Gooninthere.You'reBratt'ssecretary.He'lllistentoyou.

SMITTYButwhythisfrantic,urgenturgency?

ROSEMARY

Please,Smitty.We'vegottohelpthisboy.

SMITTY

Butwhy?Fillmein,girl.Whereforeisthiscreepdifferentfromallothercreeps?

ROSEMARYHe'snotacreep,Smitty.HehasasortofnoblecourageyetdeepdownIfeelthathe'ssortofhelpless.

SMITTYRosemary,yourmotherinstinctisabigdrag.

(BRATTcomesoutofhisoffice,laughingatajoke.followedin,'FINCHWhohasabigcigarinhismouth.)

Page 11: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­8­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT

Well,that'sallsettled.

(L.ofFINCH,pattinghimonshoulder.)Nicetohaveyouaboard,Finch.

FINCHHappytoshipoutwithyou,sir.

(FINCHissearchingformatchesinhispocket.)

BRATTLetmedothat.

(Reachesformatches,lightsFINCH'Scigar.ROSEMARYandSMITTYwatchwithgreatinterest.)

SMITTY

Whoisthat.?

ROSEMARYThat'smyhelplessfriend.Isn'theadorable?

SMITTY

Adorable,maybe.Helpless,no.

ROSEMARYShutup,Smitty.Ijusthopehehasn'tgotagirl.

(FINCHandBRATTcrossR.towardsROSEMARYandSMITTY.)

BRATTMysecretarywilltakecareoftheformsandgettingyourparticulars.Oh,Smitty~thisisournewMr.Finch.

SMITTYHello,there.

ROSEMARY

(QuicklystepsinR.ofFINCH)MynameisPilkington.RosemaryPilkington.

FINCHOh,hello.

ROSEMARYHi.

BRATTMr.Finchwillbestartingoutinthemailroom.Gladyoudon'tmindthat,Finch.

FINCHSir,inabigpondlikethis,everyonemustbeginasalittlefish.

SMITTYEvenabarracuda

Page 12: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­9­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ROSEMARYandBRATTlookatSMITTY.BUDentersL.,crossingFLtoexit.)

BRATTNow,Smitty,WillYou

(CATCHentersR.,addressesBUD.)

CATCHSay,Bud,haveyouguysinthemailroomsentoutthosewicketcatalogsyet?

BUD(StoppingR.ofCatch)

Idon'tknow.I'mgoingtolunch.

CATCHAteleveno'clock?Why?

BUDBecauseI'mtheboss'snephew.

(StartsoffR.CATCHexits(JR.intohisoffice.)

BRATT

(CrossingR.belowFINCH,callingtoBud)Oh,Bud!

(ToFINCH,asBUDapproaches.)ThisisBudFrump,Mr.Biggley'snephew.

(CrossesL.aboveFINCH.BUDcrossesL.toitofFINCH.)ThisisMr.Finch.He'sgoingtobeworkingwithyouinthemailroom.

BUDHello,Finch.I'mBudFrump,Mr.Biggley'snephew.

FINCH(Offershand)

Howdoyoudo?

(BUDignoreshishand.)

BRATT(Abouttoleave)

Smitty,getMr.Finch'sparticulars.

SMITTYYes,sir.

BRATTFinch,nicetohaveyouonourteam.

(StartsoffL.)

Page 13: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­10­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHGladtobeplayingwithyou,sir.

(BRATTstops,turn,givesFINCHalookandexitsintohisofficeU.L.)

BUD

Finch,youambitious?

FINCHNotnecessarily.

BUDGood.Justkeepthatinmind.IfyoujustrememberwhoIamandrememberwhoyouare,we'llgetonfine.Ifnot...

ROSEMARY(itofBUD)

You'llgocryingtoyouruncle.

BUDIbegyourpardon.Idonotgocryingtomyuncle.

(CrossesR.belowROSEMARYandSMITTY,turns.)IthappensthatmymotherisMrs.Biggley'ssister.

(Removeshat.)IfIfeelthatanythingiswrong,Iphonemymother.ShephonesMrs.BiggleyandMrs.BiggleyphonesMr.Biggley.

(Putshatbackon.)That'sthedemocraticway.

(HeexitsR.)ROSEMARY

(CrossesL.twosteps)Mr.Finch,amanlikeyoudoesn'thavetoworryaboutsomeonelikehim.

(CrossesR.toSMJTTY.)SMITTY,youweregoingtogetMr.Finch'sparticulars.

SMITTYAh,yes,particulars.Now,Mr.Finch,thefirstquestion.

ROSEMARYHaveyougotagirl?

FINCHAgirl?No.

ROSEMARYGoodImean,that'stherightanswer.Imean,it'sverywisenottohaveagirl.

Page 14: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­11­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH (C)I'mgladyouunderstand,MissPilkington.Somewomenwouldn't.Yousee,Ifeelthatwhenamanwantstoriseintheworldofbusiness,agirl,orlet'ssayanemotionalinvolvement,canonlyleadtogettinginvolvedemotionally.

ROSEMARYThat'sveryintelligent,Mr.Finch.

SMITTYYes.

(CrossesL.belowROSEMARYtoPINCH.)Rosemary,areyouthroughwithMr.Finch?

ROSEMARYForthemoment.

SMITTYFine.

(IndicatesofficeU.L.assheandFINCHcrossL.)Nowifyou'lljuststepintomyoffice,we'llgetourbusinessdone.

ROSEMARY(CrossesL.)

Goodluck,Mr.Finch.

FINCH (BelowdoorU.L.)Thankyou,uh,Miss

ROSEMARYPilkington.RosemaryPilkington.

FINCHI'mgladtobeaboard.

(HeexitsintoBRATT'sofficeU.L.)

SMITTYWell,Rosemary,yousee?

ROSEMARYIthinkhe'sfascinating.

SMITTY

I'veseensomeambitiouscharactersaroundhere,butthisboyistheeagerestbeaverofthemall.

ROSEMARYNewRochelle

Page 15: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­12­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SMITTYHuh?

ROSEMARYOrmaybeWhitePlains.No...#3–HowToKeepHisDinnerWarm(Rosemary,Smitty)

(ROSEMARY)NewRochelle...

SMITTYHuh?

ROSEMARYNewRochelle...

SMITTYWhatareyoutalkingabout?

ROSEMARYNewRochelle...

SMITTYWhataboutit?

ROSEMARYTHAT'STHEPLACEWHERETHEMANSIONWILLBE,FORMEANDTHEDARLING,BRIGHT,YOUNGMANI'VEPICKEDOUTFORMARRYINGME.

(CrossesR.)

HE'LLDOWELL,ICANTELLSOITISN'TAMOMENTTOOSOON

(CrossesL.toSMITTY.)

TOPLANONMYLIFEINNEWROCHELLE;THEWIFEOFMYDARLINGTYCOON.

SMITTY

Honey,you'llbeinNewRochelle.Yourdarlingtycoonwillbehereintheoffice.(CrossesU.L.)

ROSEMARYSmitty

SMITTYThefutureMrs.Finchisinforsomelonelynights.

(SheexitsintoherofficeU.L.)

(TRAVELERcloses.)

(ROSEMARYspeaks,crossesR.)

Page 16: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­13­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARYI'mpreparedforexactlythatsortofthing.(ROSEMARYsings.)

I'LLBESOHAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARM,WHILEHEGOESONWARDANDUPWARD.HAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARMTILLHECOMESWEARILYHOMEFROMDOWNTOWN.

(Sits.)

I'LLBETHEREWAITINGUNTILHISMINDISCLEAR,WHILEHELOOKSTHROUGHME,RIGHTTHROUGHME,WAITINGTOSAY:"GOODEVENING,DEAR,I'MPREGNANT;WHAT'SNEWWITHYOUFROMDOWNTOWN?"

(Rises.)

OH,TOBELOVEDBYAMANIRESPECT,TOBASKINTHEGLOWOFHISPERFECTLYUNDERSTANDABLENEGLECT.OH,TOBELONGINTHEAURAOFHISFROWN,DARLINGBUSYFROWN.SUCHHEAVENWEARINGTHEWIFELYUNIFORMWHILEHEGOESONWARDANDUPWARD.HAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARMTILLHECOMESWEARILYHOMEFROMDOWNTOWN.

#3a–GoodMorning(EnteranceOfSecretaries(Orchestra)

Scene3

(TheaterofficeoftheWorldWideWicketCompany.Therearetworowsofdeskswithtypewriters,addingmachinesandstandardofficeequipment.GIRLSenterL.briskly,saying"Goodmorning."Theysitdownattheirdesks,takeoffofficemachinecovers.ThelastGIRLdasheson,getstoherplacejustreadyforthemalltobeginwork.AMANstickshisheadoutonstageL.andyells.)

MAN

Coffeebreak!

MISSKRUMHOLTZIt'sabouttime!

(MANpushesoncoffeemachineL.OTHEROFFICEPERSONNELenterL.andR.Alonglineishurriedlyformedacrossstagebeforethecoffeemachine.BUDFRUMPentersR.,goestofrontofline,holdshiscuptinderthespigot.)

BUDThere'snocoffee!

Page 17: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­14­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ALL

(Abuzz)Nocoffee!Nocoffee!

SMITTY

(C.)

Nocoffee?

BUDNocoffee!

(ALLtakefront.)#4–CoffeeBreak(Frump,Smitty,Chorus)

SMITTYNocoffee.

(THEYallgroanandcollapseontostage.)

BUDIFICAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,MYCOFFEEBREAK,MYCOFFEEBREAK,IFICAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,

(ALLSitUp.)

SOMETHINGWITHINMEDIES

ALL

LIESDOWNANDSOMETHINGWITHINMEDIES!

(ALLcollapseagain.BUDpushesmachineC.SUITYcrossesC.toL.ofmachine.)

SMITTY

IFICAN'TMAKETHREEDAILYTRIPSWHERESHININGSHRINEBENIGNLYDRIPS,

(ALLcrowdaroundmachine.)

ANDTASTECARDBOARDBETWEENMYLIPS,SOMETHINGWITHINMEDIES

ALLLIESDOWNAND

(ALLfadeup.)

SOMETHINGWITHINMEDIES!

(ALLcollapse.)

1STVOICE

NOCOFFEE,

Page 18: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­15­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2NDVOICENOCOFFEE,

3RDVOICE

NOCOFFEE,

4THVOICENOCOFFEE,

5THVOICE

NOCOFFEE,

6THVOICENOCOFFEE,

7THVOICE

NOCOFFEE,

8THVOICENOCOFFEE,

(ALLsitup.)

SMITTY

THATOFFICELIGHTDOESN'THAVETOBEFLUORESCENT,I'LLGETNOPAINSINTHEHEAD.THATOFFICECHAIRDOESN'THAVETOBEFOAMRUBBER,SOIFISPREAD,SOISPREAD.BUTONLYONECHEMICALSUBSTANCEGETSOUTTHELEAD!

ALL

LIKESHESAID!IFICAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,

(ALLcrossD.)

MYCOFFEEBREAK,MYCOFFEEBREAK,IFICAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,

SMITTYANDBUD

GONEISTHESENSEOFENTERPRISE

ALL

ALLGONEANDSOMETHINGWITHINMFDIPS

ALL

NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE,NOCOFFEE.

(ALLscreamasaDANCERjumpsintoorchestrapit.ALLcrosstocoffeemachineC.)

ALLIF1CAN'TTAKEMYCOFFEEBREAK,

Page 19: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­16­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(R.ofC.)SMITTY

SOMEHOWTHESOULNOLONGERTRIES...

(CollapsesintoBOY'Sarms.)

ALLCOFFEE,COFFEE.(D.R.againstportal.)

BUDSOMEWHEREIDON'TMETABOLIZE...

ALL

COFFEE,COFFEE

SMITTYANDBUDSOMETHINGWITHINME...

(TheycrosstoC.ALLspreadout.)

ALLCOFFEEOROTHERWISE,COFFEEOROTHERWISE,COFFEEOROTHERWISE,SOMETHINGINSIDEOFME...DIES!

(Afternumber,GIRLentersfromR.Carryingsteamingpotofcoffee,crossestoL.ofC.)

BUD(CrossesL.toGIRL.)What'sthat?

GIRLAcoffeepot.

BUDCoffee!

(Theyallyell"Coffee!"andgooffL.,exceptFIVEoftheGIRLScrosstoupstagerowofdesksandgotowork.AMANpushescoffeemachineoffR.ROSEMARYhasenteredL.duringthis,carryingsmallvaseoffflowers.Shegoestoherdesk.FINCHentersL.withbasketofmail.Heisreadinghisbook.)

BOOKVOICE

Youhavealertlyseizedyouropportunitiesandarenowonthefirstrungoftheladder.Youareworkinginthemailroom.Onewordofcautionaboutthemailroom.Itisaplaceoutofwhichyoumustget.Someofyourrivalswillnothavetheadvantageofthisknowledge,butyouareforearmed.DonotgetstuckinthemaiIroom.Plantorise.

(BUDentersL.,toFINCH.)

Page 20: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­17­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUD(Quickly)

Finch,whereareyougoing?Whathaveyougotthere?

FINCH(R.ofBUD)

It'stheexecutivemail.

BUDI'lltakethat.

(TakesmailfromFINCH.)Tryingtogetingoodontheinside,huh?Ican'teventakeacoffeebreakaroundhere!

FINCHBut,I'mmerelytryingtodomyjob.

BUDTheexecutivemailismyjob.Finch,ifyouhaveanyideasofclimbingaladderaroundhere,theviewisgoingtogetawfullymonotonous.Everytimeyoulookupyou’llseetheseatofmypants.

(CrossesR.belowFINCHandexitsU.R.intoexecutivesuite.)

ROSEMARY

(Rises,crossesR.toFINCH)

That'srotten,rotten,rotten.Youknow,BudFrumpisjustjealousofyou...He'stryingtokeepthebigexecutivesfromnoticingYOU.

FINCH(CrossesL.belowROSEMARY)

Thankyoufordefendingme,MissPilkington.

ROSEMARY

PleasecallmeRosemary.

FINCHOkay,Rosemary.

ROSEMARYNow,Mr.Finch

FINCHCallmePonty.

ROSEMARYOkay,Ponty.Thebigexecutiveswillnoticeyou.Justbepatient.

FINCHPatient!DoyourealizeI'vebeenworkinghereforonewholeweek!

ROSEMARYIknowPontyIhaven'tforgotten.

Page 21: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­18­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ROSEMARY)

(ShecrossesL.toFINCH,putsflowerinhisbuttonhole.)Happyanniversary.

FINCHThankyou,Rosemary.Atleastyounoticetie.

ROSEMARYIwishIwereanexecutive.I'd

(Shestopssuddenly,looksoffstage.)Ohoh.HerecomesJudithAnderson...

FINCHHuh?

ROSEMARYThat'sMissJones,Mr.Biggley'ssecretary.

(StartsU.L.toherdesk.)I'dbetterlookbusy.Andyou,too...

(Shesits.FINCHcrossesuptorowofdesks,lookingbusy.MISSJONESentersL.,headingtowardexecutivesuiteU.R.ROSEMARYfoolsWithpapers.FINCHsuddenlyturnsandfollowsMissJones.)

FINCHPardonme,ma'am.

(Hetakesflowerfromhisbuttonhole,pressesitintoherhand.)Youshouldbewearingthis.Itgoeswithyourhair.

(Sheacceptsitinapuzzledfashion.FINCHstartsawayL.)

MISSJONESYoungman.

(FINCHStops.ShecrossesD.)Youjustwantmetohavethisflower?Youdon'tknowwhoIam?

FINCH(CrossesR.tohe,)

Thatdoesn'tmatter.Whatmattersisthattheflowerseemedtocryouttohewornbyyou.

(StartsawayL.again.)MISSJONES

Youngman,I'mMissJones,Mr.Biggley'ssecretary.

(FINCHstops.)

FINCHNo,youcan'tbe.Imean...thatis...youjustcan'tbe.

Page 22: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­19­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

MISSJONES

Whynot?

FINCH(CrossesR.toher,)

Well,fromBudFrump'sdescriptionofyou,I'dneverhave,Imeanyou'renotafrighteningperson.

MISSJONESThankyou.

FINCH

Ifit'snotoutofplaceformetosayso,MissJones.Ithinkyou'reaveryattractiveperson.NomatterwhatBudFrumpsays.

MISSJONESWhatdidyousayyournamewas.?

FINCH

Finch,ma'am.F‐I‐N‐C‐H.Finch.PierrepontFinch

MISSJONESHowisitIhaven'tseenyoubefore?

FINCH

(R.belowher)

Oh,I'mnotsupposedtodelivertheexecutivemail.That'shisjob.BudFrump.F‐R‐U‐M‐P.

MISSJONES

Mmmmm.Well,thankyouverymuch,Finch.You'reaveryinterestingyoungman.

FINCHThankyou,MissJones.

(CrossesL.belowher.CATCHentersR.)

CATCHSay,Jonesy

(FINCH,hearingCATCH'Svoice,kneelsL.ofMISSJONES,tiesshoelace.)I'dlikeanappointmentwiththebossataroundthree.

MISSJONES(Pinningfloweronhersuit)

I'llcheckonit,Milt,andletyouknow.

CATCH(R.OfMISSJONES)

Ab,flowers.Yougotanewboyfriend,Jonesy?

MISSJONESThiswasgiventomebyaveryniceyoungman.Youshouldknowhim.Finch?

Page 23: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­20­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(Hepopsupquickly)

Yes?

MISSJONESFinch,thisisMr.Catch.

FINCH

Howdoyoudo,Mr.Catch?

CATCHHello.

(Theyshakehands.)

MISSJONES (ToFINCH)Mr.Catchwouldbeagoodmanforyoutoknow.Hisdepartmentisveryimportant

FINCHOh,IknowallaboutMr.Catch.He'sinchargeof...

(Rattlingitoff)PlansandSystemsandInterdepartmentalEvaluation.AlsoPre‐PromotionalPromotion,Post‐AdministrativeResearch,andMultipleDevelopmentonamultilevellevel.

CATCH

(ToMISSJONES)Hey,Jonesy,thisisasmartone.Ididn'tknowIdidallthat.

(HeexitsR.)

FINCHVeryfineman,Mr.Catch.Ihearhehasanopeninginhisdepartment.

MISSJONESYes,hehas,buthehasn'tbeenabletomakeuphismind.Well,thankyoufortheflower,youngMan.

FINCHYou'rewelcome,MissJones.

(ShestartsU.K,stepstoexecutivesuite.FINCHcrossesU.Ltodesks.BUDentersL.R.fromexecutivesuite.)

BUD

Hi,Jonesy.

MISSJONES

(Snapping)MissJones.

Page 24: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­21­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(SheexitsU.R.BUDlooksafterher,puzzled,thenlookssuspiciouslyatFINCH.)

FINCH

(TurnsawayfromBUD,startsL.)Say,Rosemary...

BUD(CrossesD.toFINCH)

Finch,quitgoofingoffYou'vegottopickuptheseconddelivery!

(CrossesL.belowFINCH.)

FINCHRighto,Bud,oldbuddyboy.

(BUDexitsoffL.,puzzled.FINCHgoestoROSEMARYatdesk.)Gottogotoworknow.Thanksfortheflower,Rosemary.

(StartsoffR.)ROSEMARY

(Sherises,crossesR.toFINCH)

Thanksfortheflower?YougavemyflowertoMissJones.

FINCHRosemarysurelyyoudon'tbegrudgeanoldladyamomentofhappiness.

ROSEMARYWell,IguessitisimportantforyoutobenicetoMissJones.

(SMITTYentersfromexecutivesuiteandobservesthis.)

FINCHI'mgladyouunderstandthat.Seeyoulater,Rosemary.

(HeexitsR.SMITTYcrossesD.R.,lookingafterFINCH.)

SMITTY(Meaningfully.TurnstoROSEMARY)

Well,Rosemary,howareyoudoing?

ROSEMARY(CrossesR.toSMITTY)

Oh,Idon'tknow.He'she's...Smitty,what'stheoppositeofasexmaniac?

SMITTYAbusinessman.

(TheyexitoffR.)

#4a.–FrumpOnThePhone(Orchestra)

Page 25: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­22­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Scene4

(THEMAILROOM.ThereisasmallcounterstageL.withastooltotheR.ofthecounter.BUDisseatedonthestool,speakingonthephone.)

BUD

Hello?Givemeanoutsideline.No,thiscallisnotpersonal,I'mcallingmymother(Annoyed.)

Thanks.

(Rises,crossesbehindcounter.Talkstohimselfashestartsdialing.)OneofthesedayswhenI'mrunningtheshowaroundhere,I'llclearoutthewholeHello,Mother?Bud.IknowIleftwithoutmysweater,butit'swarm.Now,look,Mother,Ijustfoundoutsomethingimportant.There'sgoingtobeanewheadofthemailroomandIwantthejob.You'vegottocallAuntGertrudeand...IknowI'mnextinline,butthere'sanewfellowworkingherethathasmeworried.Oh,heworkshard,comesinontime,nevergoofsoff,he'spolite...youknow,arealrat.

(BLACKOUTFrontspotonBIGGLEYdeskunitonR.MR.BIGGLEYisseatedat/'zjdesk.Hisintercomisheardbuzzing.)

BIGGLEY

(Grufflycrisp)

Yes,Whatdoyouwant,MissJones?

MISSJONES'VOICE

(Overintercom)Mr.Biggley,yourwifeiscalling.

BIGGLEY

Well,tellherI'mbusy,tellherI'minameeting,tellherI'mout,dammit,putheron!

(Picksupphoneandhisvoicebecomesapproximatelyaffectionate.)Hello,Gertrude.Gladyoucalled.What'sonyourmind?I'mbusy.Uhhuh,Uhhuh.Well,Gertrude,Ican'thelpBudthere.Theheadofthemailroomshouldpickhisownsuccessor.Ican'tswitchsignalsinthemiddleofaplay.Itwouldupsetthewholeteam.IfIinterferedthatwouldbenepotism.Nepotism.That'swhenyournephewisagoddamnfool.Well,I'llsee.

(Hangsup.Tohimself.)Dammit.

(Pushesbuttonandspeaksintointercom.)MissJones.

MISSJONES'VOICEYes,Mr.B.?

Page 26: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­23­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY

MissJones,I'vetoldyouthattalkingtomywifeupsetsme.

MISSJONES'VOICEWell,J.B.,yousaidtoputheronand...

BIGGLEYNevermindthat.Ineedsomethingtocalmmynerves.Whereismy...

(Secretively.)youknow...

MISSJONES'VOICEIputitinthebackofyourrighthandbottomdrawer.

BIGGLEYThanks.

(Clicks.Opensbottomdrawer,putshishandin,pullsoutknitting.)Ahhhh....

(FrontSPOTdimsout.)

(Dimuponmailroom.FINCHenterswithmailbag,stopsatR.endofcounter.TWIMBLEenters,crossestoL.ofFINCH.)

TWIMBLE

Let'sgetgoing,boys.BUD

(WhohasbeenstandingU.S.TurnstoL.ofTWIMBLE)

MMMMM.

FINCH(R.edgeofcounter)

Yes,sir,Mr.Twimble.I'vealreadystartedsorting.

TWIMBLEFinch,asheadofthisentiremailroom,IwouldliketotellyouI'mverypleasedwithyourwork.

FINCH

Thankyou,sir.

TWIMBLEYoureallyhaveaninborngiftformailroomery.

FINCHThankyou,Mr.Twimble.Comingfromyou,that'sagreathonor.

(PhoneRINGS.)BUD

(Picksupphone)

Hello,mailroomeNo!Mailroom.Justaminute.

Page 27: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­24­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(BUD)

(Calls.)It'sforyou,Twirnble.Mr.BrattinPersonnel.

(CrossesitaboveTWIMBLE,pushingFINCHtoC.stage.)

TWIMBLE(Goingtophone)

Ah,thismaybeaveryimportantcallforsomeof.us.Hello.

BUD

(ToFINCH)What'stheidea?

FINCHWhat'stheideaofwhat,Bud.?

BUDYouknow.You'retryingtobutterupTwimble.Well,believeme,itwon'tdoyouanygood.

FINCH

GoodGod,Bud.JustbecauseI'mbeingnicetoaman,doesthatmeanIhavetohaveanangle?

BUDIfanybody'sgoingtogethisjob,youknow...

(StopsashehearsTWIMBLEspeak.)

TWIMBLEIgotyou,Mr.Bratt.Thanksverymuch.

(FINCHcrossesaboveBUDtoS.Ledgeofcounter.BUDcounterstoItofFINCHasTWIMBLEhangsupthephoneandcrossesR.totheboys.)

Well,boys,itlooksasifthey'regoingtopromoteoldTwimbletotheshippingdepartment.

FINCH(Quickly)

Congratulations.

BUD

(Justasquickly)Who'sgoingtobethenewheadofthemailroom?

TWIMBLEIwon'tsaytillit'sofficial,butMr.Brattisgoingtoleavethechoicetome."Twimble,"hesaid,"ThemailroomisthenervecenterofthismightyorganizationYou'vebeenanoutstandingmailroomheadandwewantyoutochooseyoursuccessor.Andwewantyoutochoosehimonmerit.Onmeritalone.

Page 28: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­25­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUDThat'snotfair.

(CrossesL.aboveTWIMBLE.)I'mgoingouttogetasmoke.

(HeexitsquicklyL.)

TWIMBLESmoke.Hoho.He'sgoingtocallhismother.

(CrossesR.toFINCH.)Butit'snotgoingtohelphimifIhaveanythingtosay.Ihavesomebodyelseinmindforthisjob.Hoho.

FINCH (Afteramoment)Mr.Twimble...

TWIMBLEYes?

FINCH

(CrossesL.belowTWIMBLE)

You'vebeenwiththiscompanyalongtime,haven'tyou?

TWIMBLE

Long,longtime.LastmonthIbecameaquarter‐of‐a‐centuryman.

(Showsmedalonhislapel.)

FINCHThat'sbeautiful.

(CrossesR.toTWIMBLE.)Gee,aquarterofacentury.

TWIMBLEAquarterofacentury.

FINCHHowlonghaveyoubeeninthemailroom?

TWIMBLE

Twenty‐fiveyears.Yep,it'snoteasytogetamedallikethis.Ittakesacombinationofskill,diplomacyandboldcaution.

Page 29: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­26­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#5.–TheCompanyWay(Twimble,Finch)

(TWIMBLE)(Toaudience)WHENIJOINEDTHISFIRMASABRASH,YOUNGMAN,WELLISAIDTOMYSELF,"NOW,BRASHYOUNGMANDON'TGETANYIDEAS."WELLISTUCKTOTHATANDIHAVEN'THADONEINYEARS!FINCH

(L.ofTWIMBLE)

YOUPLAYITSAFE!

TWIMBLE

IPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY;WHEREVERTHECOMPANYPUTSME,THEREI'LLSTAY

FINCH

BUTWHATISYOURPOINTOFVIEW?

TWIMBLE

IHAVENOPOINTOFVIEW,

FINCH

SUPPOSINGTHECOMPANYTHINKS...

TWIMBLE

ITHINKSOTOO!

FINCH

WHATWOULDYOUSAYIF

TWIMBLE

IWOULDN'TSAY!

FINCH

YOURFACEISACOMPANYFACE;

TWIMBLE

ITSMILESATEXECUTIVES,THENGOESBACKINPLACE.

FINCH

THECOMPANYFURNITURE?

TWIMBLEOHITSUITSMEFINE.

Page 30: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­27­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

THECOMPANYLETTERHEADIS(SO)…

TWIMBLEAVALENTINE!

FINCH

ISTHEREANYTHINGYOU'REAGAINST?

TWIMBLEUNEMPLOYMENT!

FINCH

WHENTHEYWANTBRILLIANTTHINKINGFROMEMPLOYEES;

TWIMBLETHATISNOCONCERNOFMINE.

FINCH

SUPPOSEAMANOFGENIUSMAKESSUGGESTIONS.

TWIMBLEWATCHTHATGENIUSGET

(PointsDL.)

SUGGESTEDTORESIGN!FINCH

SOYOUPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY;

(CrossesItaboveTWIMBLE.)

TWIMBLE

ALLCOMPANYPOLICYISBYMEOKAY!

FINCH

YOU'LLNEVERRISEUPTOTHE(TOP)

TWIMBLE

BUTTHERE'SONETHINGCLEAR;WHOEVERTHECOMPANYFIRES,IWILLSTILLBEHERE!

FINCHYOUCERTAINLYFOUNDAHOME!

TWIMBLE

IT'SCOZY!FINCH

YOURBRAINISACOMPANYBRAIN;

TWIMBLE

THECOMPANYWASHEDITANDNOWICAN'TCOMPLAIN.

Page 31: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­28­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

THECOMPANYMAGAZINE?

TWIMBLEBOY,WHATSTYLE,WHATPUNCH!

FINCH

THECOMPANYRESTAURANT?

TWIMBLEEV'RYDAYSAMELUNCH.'THEIRHADDOCKSANDWICH;IT'SDELICIOUS!

FINCH

(CrossesL.belowTWIMBLE)

IMUSTTRYIT.TWIMBLE

EARLYINTHEWEEK!

FINCH(Stopsdead)

DOYOUHAVEANYHOBBIES?

TWIMBLEI'VEAHOBBY;IPLAY"GIN"WITHMISTERBRATT.

FINCH

ANDDOYOUPLAYITNICELY?

TWIMBLE

PLAYITNICELYSTILLHEBLITZESMEINEV'RYGAME,LIKETHAT!

FINCH

WHY?TWIMBLE

'CAUSEIPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY,EXECUTIVEPOLICYISBYMEOKAY!

FINCH

HOWCANYOUGETANYWHERE(INTHE)...

TWIMBLEJUNIORHAVENOFEAR;WHOEVERTHECOMPANYFIRES,IWILLSTILLBEHERE!

FINCH

YOUWILLSTILLBEHERE.

Page 32: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­29­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

TWIMBLEYEARAFTERYEARAFTERFISCAL,

BOTH

NEVERTAKEARISK‐ALYEAR!

TWIMBLE

Well,let'sgetbacktowork.Theymaybepromotingme,buttillthenthemailmustgothrough.

(Crossesabovecounter.FINCHcrossestoR.ofcounter.BUDentersL.humming.)Hi,Bud.How'syourmother?

BUDWhatmother?

TWIMBLE

(ToFINCH)Whatmother.

(BRATT'entersL.quicklywithabigsmile,crossesR.toTWIMBLE.)

BRATT

Hello,men.Well,Twimble,it'sallset.Asoftoday,you'reheadofshipping!

TWIMBLEThanks,Mr.Bratt.

(Theyshakehands.)

BRATTNowlet'stalkaboutyoursuccessor...

BUD

(TurnstoL.ofBRATT)Say,Bratt,haveyouheardfrommyuncletoday?

BRATTNo,Bud.

(BUDreactswithannoyance.)Goahead,Twimble,yourshoesaregoingtobehardtofill,butwhohaveyoupickedtofillthem?

TWIMBLE

WellMr.BrattI'vegivenitagooddealofthought,proandcon.IthinkyourmanisYoungFinch.

BRATTFinch.

BUDI'mgoingoutforasmoke.

(StartsoffL.)

Page 33: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­30­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHThanks,butIcan'taccept.

(BUDstopsdead.EVERYONElooksatFINCHinastonishment.)

BRATT

(CrossesR.toFINCHbelowTWIMBLE)Areyouturningthisjobdown?

FINCHThat'srightsir.Ithinkthereisamanwhoisbetterqualified.AmanwhohasbeherelongerthanI.Gentlemen,IrecommendBudFrump.

BUD

(Caughtoffguard)You'rekidding.

TWIMBLE(CrossesL.toBUD)

BudFrump?

BRATT (CrossesL.toTWIMBLE)Well,thisissomething,...Imean,surprise‐wise.Well,aslongashefeelsthatsva...

BUDI'mgoingtocallmymotherandtellher.

(HeexitsL.)

TWIMBLE

(CrossesR.belowBRATTtoFINCH)Idon'tunderstand.

FINCHMr.Twimble,letmeexplain.Knowingyouhastaughtmealot.

(PhoneRINGS.)

BRATT(Pickingupphone)

Hello.Yes,J.B.ThisisBratt.

TWIMBLE(ToFINCH)

It'sthebigboss.

Page 34: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­31­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT (Helistensamoment)Oh,Iunderstandyourproblem,J.B.Actually,wehadpickedsomeoneelse.Butit'sallright,J.B.TheyoungfellowwepickedturnedthejobovertoBud.HethinksBudisbetterqualified...No,hedoesn'tseemtobeoutofhismind.Hewasexplaining,aboutitwhenyoucalled.

(ToFINCH.)Goahead,Finch.

FINCH(C.)

Mr.Twimble,thegreatthingyouhavetaughtmeisthatnoindividualisasimportantasthewholecompany.

BRATT

(ActingasaquietvoiceannouncertoBIGGLEY)Hesaysnoindividualisasimportantasthewholecompany.

FINCH

(CrossesaboveTWIMBLEtohisL.)Thewholeteamisgreaterthananysingleplayer.

BRATT

(ToBIGGLEY)Thewholeteamisgreaterthananysingleplayer.

FINCH

(Gettinglouder)Thewholecrewisgreaterthananyoneoarsman.

BRATTThewholecrewisgreaterthananyoneoarsman.

FINCHThewholesaladisbiggerthananypieceoflettuce.

BRATTThewholesaladis...Oh,youcanhearhim.

FINCHThewholeomeletteisbiggerthananyegg.

BRATTIsn'tthatgreat,J.B.?Sortofchokesyouup,doesn'tit?...Hisname?It'sFinch.

FINCH (ToBRATT)F‐I‐N.CH

Page 35: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­32­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(FINCHlooksbacktoTWIMBLE.)

BRATTF‐I‐N‐C‐H.Yeah,well,I'mgoingtokeepaneyeonhimmyself.Right.Seeyoulater,J.B.

(Hangsup.CrossesR.toPINCH.)Finch,yougotmeoffthespotwithMr.Biggley.

FINCH

(CrossesR.aboveBRATTandmassageshisshoulderslightly)Gladtohelp,Mr.Bratt.

BRATTIappreciateit.

(ShakesTWIMBLE'shand.)Goodluck,Twimble.

FINCH

(Lookingatlettersoncounter)Oh,Mr.Twimble,don'tIhavetotakethismailtoMr.Catch?TWIMBLECatch?

FINCHCatch.

BRATTCatch.

FINCHCatch.

BRATTSay,Ijustremembered.Mr.Catchislookingforajuniorexecutiveinhisdepartment.

FINCH

(Doeshissmile,thenspeaks)Heis?

BRATTI'mgoingtotalktohimaboutyou.

FINCHMe?Ajuniorexecutive?

BRATTYourgenerosityandthoughtfulnessmayprovetohavebeenareallygoodthingforyou.

FINCHByGeorge,ethicalbehavioralwayspays.

Page 36: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­33­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT(CrossesR.,armaroundFINCH)

Finch,youdidaverywisething.

(TWIMBLEfollowsMailflatfliesout.MailroomslidesoffL.Wearenowintheouteroffice.)

FINCHThatdoesn'tmattertome,Mr.Bratt.Ididwhatwasright.

(BUDentersfromR.)

BUDMymotherwasveryhappy

BRATT

(Addressingtheoffice)Boysandgirls,meetthenewheadofthemailroom,BudFrump.

(Theyallgatheraroundandapplaud.)

BUD(CrossesL.toFINCH)

Thanks,Ponty,oldman.

FINCHGoodluck,Bud.

BRATTComealong,Finch,Iwanttotalktoyou.

(TheyexitoffR.)BUD

(CrossesL.toTWIMBLEC.)

Hesureamazedme.I'mstillwonderingwhyhedidthisforme.TWIMBLE

(Sharply)SoamI.Istillthinkmyoriginalchoiceofamanwasbest.

BUD(Frantic)

Nowwaitaminute,Twimble.Pontyokayedit.

TWIMBLEIt'sjustthat

BUD

(Goingrighton)We'llhavenoreneging.Iwaspromisedthejob.

Page 37: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­34­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

TWIMBLE(Stampsfootonthefloor)

Waitaminute,waitaminuteBud.I'vebeenherealong,time.AquarteroaCentury.Ijustwanttomakesurethatthingsaredonetherightway.

(Droppinghandstohissides.)BUD

Iknowwhatyoumean,Mr.Twimble.Fromnowon...

(ImitatingTWIMBLEwithhishandsathissides)#6.–TheCompanyWay(Reprise)(Bud,Twimble,Chorus)

(BUD)I'LLPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY;WHEREVERTHECOMPANYPUTSMETHEREI'LLSTAY.

(BUDandTWIMBLEbothdrophandstotheirsides.)

ALL

WHATEVERTHECOMPANYTELLSHIM,THATHE'LLDO(BoyDANCERsalaams.)

BUD

WHATEVERMYUNCLEMAYTHINK,ITHINKSOTOO.(BUDtakesonestepdown.)

ALLOO‐OO‐OO.HE'SBEAMINGWITHCOMPANYPRIDE;

BUD

I'VECONQUEREDTHATOVER‐AMBITIOUSRATINSIDE.

TWIMBLEOLDBUDISNOLONGERTHEFRUMPHEUSEDTOBE.

BUD

IPLEDGETOTHECOMPANYSWEETCONFORMITY.

ALLHOORAY!HOORAY!

(BUDcrossesL.)

BUD

IWILLSOMEDAYEARNMYMEDAL(ALLbow.TwoBOYSformchairandGIRLdustsit.)

TWENTY‐FIVEYEAREMPLOYEE.(Applause.)

Page 38: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­35­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(BUD)

I'LLSEETOITTHATTHEMEDAL(BUDsitsonthesimulatedchair.GIRLconesandsitsonhislap.)

ISTHEONLYTHINGTHEY'LLEVERPINONME.(BUDandGIRLrise.BUDcrossesR.toTwimble.)

ALL

THEFRUMPWAYISTHECOMPANYWAY;EXECUTIVEPOLICYISBYHIMOKAY!

BUD

I'LLNEVERBEPRESIDENTBUTTHERE'SONETHINGCLEAR;

(ALLleanin.)

ASLONGASMYUNCLECANSTANDME,IWILLSTILLBEHERE.

ALL WEKNOWTHECOMPANYMAYLIKEORLUMPANYMAN...(MENliftBUDontheirshoulder.)

BUDI'msoproud!

ALLANDIFTHEYCHOOSETO,THECOMPANYMAYDUMPANYMAN

BUD

I'mhappy!

ALLBUTTHEYWILLNEVERDUMPFRUMP,THECOMPANYMAN,FRUMPWILLPLAYITTHECOMPANY,FRUMPWILLPLAYITTHECOMPANY,FRUMPWILLPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY,FRUMP!

(AfternumberALLcrowdaroundBUDcenterstage.BRATTentersR.withFINCHandcrossestoGATCH,D.R,holdingapantomimeconversation.)

BUDComeon,everybody.It'sacelebration.Iwanttoinviteallofyoutohavelunchonme.

(TheyapplaudandstartoffL.)

BRATT (L.ofFINCH)Boysandgirls,

Page 39: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­36­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(CROWDStops.)

(BRATT)Ihaveanotherannouncementtomake.Mr.GatchistakingyoungFinchintodepartmentasajuniorexecutive.

(TheyapplaudandstarttocarnBUDoff.ROSEMARYentersL.)

BUDWaitaminute!justaminute!ThatlunchisDutch.Infact,it'scanceled!Waitaminute!

(TheycarryhuhoffL.BRATTexitsL.CATCHexitsR.)

ROSEMARY

(CrossesDR.toFINCH)Ponty,that'swonderful,wonderful.Itoldyoutohavepatience.

FINCHYouwereright,Rosemary.Thanks.

ROSEMARY

(CrossesL.twosteps)Youshouldhavesomeonearoundallthetimetohelpyouthinkthingsout.

FINCHMaybeIshould.

ROSEMARY

(Turnstohim)Ponty,I'malwaysavailable.

FINCH(Backingoffalittle)

You'resurewonderful,Rosemary.OneofthesedaysIhopeIcanshowmyappreciationand

ROSEMARYLunch!

FINCH

Huh?

ROSEMARYIsaidlunch.

FINCH

Whataboutlunch?

ROSEMARYI'dloveto.

Page 40: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­37­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(turnstoher)

Lovetowhat?

ROSEMARYYousaid"Whataboutlunch."Gee,Ithoughtyou'dneveraskme.

(CrossesR.belowhim.)Let'sseewherewillwego.?Say.Iknow‐There'salittletearoom,averycuteplace,calledTheHungryT.It'sveryreasonable.I'llgetmythingsandmeetyourighthere.

(ShegoesIt)

FINCH(Leftalone,crossesL.toC.)

Ididn'tmean"Whataboutlunch?",Imeant"Whataboutlunch?"Imean...

(CATCHenterswithJENKINSfromexecutivesuite.Theystandonrisertalking.JENKINSexitsLLR.CATCHseesFINCH,comesdownstage.)

CATCH

SayFinch

FINCHYes,sir,Mr.Catch.

CATCHHow'stheyoungjuniorexecutivefeeling?

FINCHFine,Mr.Catch,fine.

CATCHComeon,I'llbuyyoulunchintheExecutiveClubupontheroof.

FINCHLunch?IntheExecutiveClub?Me?

CATCHSure.Nowthatyou'reajuniorexec,Icanputyouonmyexpenseaccount.

FINCHIt'sagreathonor,Mr.Catch.I'llgetmycoat.

(HeexitsL.)

CATCHOkay.I'llmeetyouattheelevator.

(CATCHstartsoffR.ROSEMARYre­entersfromR.)Ah,Rosemary,dear,seeingyoualwaysbrightensupmydays.

(Heputshisarmsaroundher.)

Page 41: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­38­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARY

(Gettingloose)Please,Mr.Gatch

CATCH

(Lettinghergo)I'vegottostopreadingPlayboy.

(HeexitsR.)FINCH

(Re­enteringfromL.,nowwearingsuitjacket)

Rosemary,I'vegotasurpriseforyou.Mr.Catchistakingmetolunch.#7.–Rosemary’sPhilosophy(Rosemary)

ROSEMARYTolunch?

FINCH

(CrossesR.belowher)Yep.HowdoIlook?

ROSEMARYYoulookfine,Ponty.

(CrossesU.L.tohertakesredflowerfromvase,crossesbackandputsitinFINCH'slapel.)Justfine.Haveagoodtime.

FINCHThanks,Rosemary.

(HestartsoffR.,stopsatsideandtakesoutbook,startstoread.ROSEMARYcrossesU.L.andsitsatthirddeskfromcenter,lookingafterFINCH.)

BOOKVOICE

Ifyouhavefollowedthesimpleinstructionsexactlyasoutlined,youshouldbynowbeajuniorexecutive.Congratulations.Nothingcanstopyounow.

(FINCHclosesbookandgoesU.R.intoexecutivesuite.)

ROSEMARYHAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARMTILLHECOMESWEARILYHOME.

Scene5

(BIGGLYseatedatdesk,isonphonetalkingtohisWife.)

Page 42: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­39­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY

(Onphone)

Yes,dear,yes,dear....But,dammit,Gertude,Ihaven'tgottimeforthisnonsenseaboutBud.Iknowbloodisthickerthanwater,butBudFrumpisthickerthananything.I'llpromotehimwhenI'mready.Now,listentome,Gertrude,thenexttimeBudcomplainstohismotherandshecallsyouandyoucallme,you'reallfired!

(Hangsup.Intercombuzzes.BIGGLEYclicksswitch,speaksgruffly.)Yes,MissJones.

MISSJONES'VOICE

There'sayoungladywhoinsistsonspeakingwithyou,Mr.B.Shesaysit'spersonal.

BIGGLEYWhat'sshewant‐What'shername?

MISSJONES'VOICEShesaysyou'llknow.

BIGGLEY

(Smallpause,thenasgruffasever)Oh.Well,putheron,putheron.

(Clicksintercomswitch,straightenshistie,picksupphone.Theninlow,intimatevoiceandwithastrongairofmystery.)

Hello...Well,now,youknewIwouldn'tforget.I'lltakecareofeverything.Onemoment.

(Clicksintercom.)

MissJones,getmeBrattinpersonnelrightaway.

(Backtophone.)

Youbeheretomorrow.Fine.'Bye.

(Hepushesanotherbuttononphone.)

Hello,Bratt,J.B.Idlikeyoutodomeafavor.Iwonderifyoucouldfindaspotforaayounglady.Wantstobeasecretary.She'suh...anoldfriendofthefamily's.HerdadwasaclassmateofmineatOldIvy.She'sabrightgirl.Gotagoodheadonhershoulders.HernameisLaRue.HedyLaRue.#8.–Hedy(Orchestra)

Page 43: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­40­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Scene6

(THECORRIDOROFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANY,sameasScene2.Astheblackvelourfliesup,HEDYLARUEisstandingstagecenter.Sheisadish.Abeautifuldish.SheisdressedsomewhatlikeaLatinQuartershowgirlwhohasstruckitrich.Notveryloud,notverybadtaste,butjusttoomuchofeverything.Shestandsperfectlypoisedinastatuesquepose.MENbegintoenterasthoughdrawnbySonicinvisiblecloudofperfume.AtonemomentaFEWOFTHEMcrossthestageoneafteranother.Theyseemtobetotallyabsorbedinthepaperstheyarecarrying,thensuddenlyseeHEDY,stopandjointheGROUPthat'sadmiringher.BUDentersR.,crossesstageL.,stopsdeadinhistracks,turnsback,talkstothegroupofMENstageL.,crossesbelowHEDY,talkstotheMENstageR.,straightenshistieandcrossestotheL.ofHEDY.)

BUD

CanIhelpyou,honey?

(HEDYturnstolookathim.Shelookshimoververycarefüllyforagoodlongtuneandfinallyshespeaks.)

HEDY

(Withaslightregaltossofherhead)Scram.

(MISSKRUMHOLTZandGIRLenterR.)

BUD(Afterherecovers)

Youdon'tunderstand,Miss.Yousee,I'mBudFrump,J.B.Biggley'snephew.

(BOTHcrossD.S.)

HEDYOh,howdoyoudo?I'mwaitingforMr.BrattofPersonnel.I'masecretary.

BUD

Ispottedthattheminuteyoucamein.

HEDYOh,thankyou.Ofcourse,I'mnewatthisand

(BRATT'entersU.L.,followedbySMITTY,crossesR.toL.ofHEDY.)

BRATTMissLaRue?

(TWOGIRLSandTWOMENenterR.)

HEDYYeah?Imean,yes?

Page 44: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­41­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATTI'mBertBratt,Personnel.Sorrytohavekeptyouwaiting.

HEDYOh,notatall,sir.Itisiwhomamlate.

BRATTOh,notreally.

HEDYOh,yes.Iwasverynaughtythismorning.I'mstillnotaccustomedtoearlyarisal

(EVERYBODYreacts.OTHEROFFICEPERSONNELenter.)

BRATTIunderstand.Well,ifyou'llstepintomyoffice,we'll...

(Heturns,bumpsintoSMITFY.)Oh,sorry.ThisisMissSmith,mysecretary.

HEDY(Leaning,acrossBRATT,)

Howareyou,dear?

SMITTYFine,dear.Uh,Mr.Bratt,Mr.Bratt!

BRATTYes,Smitty?

SMITTYIhavetogetsomenewtaxwithholdingblanks.

BRATT

Yes,youdothat,Smitty.

(ShegoesL.BRATT'escortsHEDYtowardhisoffice.)

BRATTMissLaRue,ifyouwilljustcomeinherewithme,I'llgetyourparticulars.

HEDYThirty‐nine,twenty‐two,thirty‐eight.

(SheexitsU.L.throughpersonneldoor,BRATTfollowingher.)

BUDIwinthepool.

(OTHEROFFICEPERSONNELenter.)

JENKINSBoy,isn'tshesomething!

DAVISShesureis.

Page 45: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­42­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(BRATTre­enters.)

BRATTGentlemen,onemomentplease.

(MENcrossL.toBratt.)

JENKINS

(CrossesL.toBratt)Say,Bratt,Ineedanewsecretary.

MANSodoI.

BRATTGentlemen,MissLaRuewillbeassignedaccordingtonormalprocedureassoonasherqualificationshavebeendetermined.

JENKINSI'dsureliketodeterminethem.

MENMe,too,etc.,etc.#9.–ASecretaryIsNotAToy(Bratt,Bud,MissKrumholtz,Chorus)

BRATTGentlemen... GENTLEMEN

BRATTASECRETARYISNOTATOY,NO,MYBOY;NOTATOYTOFONDLEANDDANDLEANDPLAYFULLYHANDLEINSEARCHOFSOMEPUERILEJOY.NO,ASECRETARYISNOTDEFINITELYNOT,ATOY.

(BRATTgoesintohisofficeU.L.ALLwatchhimexit.)

JENKINS

(CrossesR.­stops)You'reabsolutelyright,Mr.Bratt.

BUD

(CrossesR.­stops)Wewouldn'thaveitanyotherway,Mr.Bratt.

JENKINS(CrossesR.­stops)

It'sacompanyrule,Mr.Bratt.

Page 46: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­43­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ExitsR.ALLexitbutTHREEBOYS.GIRLcrossesL.to­R.)

THREEBOYS(C.)

ASECRETARYISNOTATOY,

NO,MYBOY,NOTATOY; SODONOTGOJUMPINGFORJOY,

TWOBOYS

BOY.ASECRETARYISNOT,ASECRETARYISNOT,ASECRETARYISNOT

TWOBOYSANDFOURGIRLS

ATOY.

FOURGIRLS(CrossingL.)

ASECRETARYISNOTTOBEUSEDFORPLAYTHERAPY.

ALLBEGOODTOTHEGIRLYOUEMPLOY,BOY;REMEMBER,NOMATTERWHATNEUROTICTROUBLEYOU'VEGOT,ASECRETARYISNOTATOY.(Typewritersequence.)

SHE'SAHIGHLYSPECIALIZEDKEYCOMPONENT OFOPERATIONALUNITY… AFINEANDSENSITIVEMECHANISM TOSERVETHEOFFICECOMMUNITY.

BOYS WITHAMOTHERATHOMESHESUPPORTS,

BUD

(EntersR.,crossesD.C.)

ANDYOU'LLFINDNOTHINGLIKEHERATF.A.O.SCHWARZ!

(ExitsU.R.)

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

(CrossingR.toL.withTWOBOYS)

ASECRETARYISNOTAPET,NORANERECTORSET.

Page 47: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­44­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

MISSKRUMHOLTZANDTWOBOYS

ITHAPPENEDTOCHARLIEMCCOY,BOY.THEYFIREDHIMLIKEASHOT…THEDAYTHEFELLOWFORGOTASECRETARYISNOT...ATOY.

(Dance.)

ALLASECRETARYISNOT...ATOY.

(ExitR.andL.)

BOYS

(L.inpersonneldoor)

ANDWHENYOUPUTHERTOUSE;OBSERVE,WHENYOUPUTHERTOUSE,

BUD

(R.indoor)

THATYOUDON'TFINDTHENAME"LIONEL"ONHERCABOOSE.

THREEGIRLS

(CrossingD.C.)

ASECRETARYISNOTATHINGWOUNDBYKEY,PULLEDBYSTRING.HERPADISTOWRITEINANDNOTSPENDTHENIGHTIN…IFTHAT'SWHATYOUPLANTOENJOY.NO!

ALL

(EnteringfrontL.andR.)THESECRETARYY'GOTISDEFINITELYNOTEMPLOYEDTODOAGAVOTTE…ORYOUKNOWWHAT.

(ALLfade.Up.)BEFOREYOUJUMPFORJOYREMEMBERTHIS,MYBOY,ASECRETARYISNOT.ATINKERTOY!

#9a–TheExecutives’Exit(Orchestra)

Page 48: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­45­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Scene7

(THEELEVATORLANDING.Abankofthreeelevatorstwoofwhicharepractical.PEOPLEareleavingfortheday,dooropens)

GIRL

(EntersL.withgirlfriend,pushesdownbutton)SoIsaid,"Justkeepyourhandswheretheybelong...,,

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)

MAN(EntersItwithANOTHERMAN)

SohesaidI'mnextinlineforpromotion.

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(TwoGIRLSenterfromL.)

SECONDGIRL

SoIsaid,"Justkeepyourhandswheretheybelong..."'

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(TwoMENenterfromL.)

SECONDMAN

SohesaidI'llbeheadofsalesinayearwitharaiseand

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(TwoGIRLSenterfromR.)

THIRDGIRL

SoIsaid,"Justkeepyourhandswheretheybelong..."'

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(TwoMENenterfromL.)

THIRDMAN

I'mdyingtoseethatnew,productionchart.

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)(MISSKRUMHOLTZandGIRLenterfromL.)

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

So,whatthehell,I'mhavingdinnerwithhim.

(TheygointoelevatorstageL.)

Page 49: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­46­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(FINCHentersL.,crossestoelevatorasdoorscloseinhisface.HecrossestostageItelevatorandpushesdownbutton.BIGGLEYentersR.withMISSJONESandcrossestofrontofelevatorL.FINCHwillstandontheothersideofthestage,carefullylisteningwitheveryearonhishead.)

BIGGLEY

(CrossingtoL.ofC.)

DidyoucallmywifeandsayIwon'tbehomefordinner?

MISSJONES

(Followinghim)

Yes,Mr.B.Bytheway,youleftyourgolfclubsintheoffice.TomorrowisSaturdayandyou'replayingwithMr.Womper,thechairmanoftheboard.

BIGGLEYOh,yes.Well,I'llheshyingintowntonightsoI'llcomeinandpicktheclubsupinthemorning.

MISSJONES

Andyouaskedmetoremindyouaboutyourcollegealumniassociation.

BIGGLEYOh,yeah.Well,sendthemthesamecheck.IgetakickoutofthinkingoftheirfaceswhentheygetthatfatcheckfromOldLeast‐Likely‐To‐Succeed.

MISSJONESVerywell,Mr.BiggIe

(TACKABERRYentersR.,crossestoR.ofC.)

TACKABERRYSay,J.B.,there'saphonecall.Yourwife.

BIGGLEY(ToTackaberry)

Mywife?Dat.I'lltakeitinyouroffice.That'sall,MissJones.

(HeexitsItTACKABERRYfollowshim.MISSJONESstartsoffR.FINCHcrossesDstoppingher.)

FINCH

Oh,MissJones!

MISSJONESHello,Ponty.How'stheyoungjuniorexecutive?

FINCHJustfine,MissJones,thankstothehelpfuladviceI'vebeengettingfromYOU.

MISSJONES(CrossesK)

Well,I'mgladourlittletalkshaveprovenvaluable.

Page 50: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­47­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHTheysurehave.

(ShecrossesR.belowFINCH.)Oh,bytheway,goodlucktonight.

MISSJONES

(Stops)Goodluck?

FINCHYes.Inthebowlingtournament.Ihearthatyou'rethebestbowlerontheladies'team.

MISSJONES

(CrossesL.toFINCH)Howsweetofyoutobeinterestedinathinglikethat.

FINCH

(Nose­to­nose)I'mfascinatedbythehobbiesofpeopleIlike.

MISSJONESSay!Wouldyouliketocomewatchusbowltonight?

FINCH

(Reacts,CrossesL.twosteps)I'dloveto,MissJones,butIshouldgotobedearly.I'mworkingtomorrow.

MISSJONESOnSaturday?NoonearoundhereworksonSaturday.

(CrossesL.tohim.)Ponty,you'reaveryunusualboy.You'llgofar.

FINCHMissJones,thatmeansalot‐yoursayingthat‐becauseyou'reMr.Biggley'ssecretaryandhe'sthemanImostwanttoemulate.He'ssocapableandthoughtful.Iheardhimrememberingtosendachecktohisoldschool.Harvard,isn'tit?

MISSJONESHarvard?Don'teverletJ.B.hearyousaythat.He'saGroundhog.

FINCHButwheredidhegotocollege.?

MISSJONES

OldIvy.(StartsOffR.)

FINCHOldIvy?

Page 51: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­48­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

MISSJONES(stops)

Ofcourse.They'retheGroundhogs.Mr.Biggleyisveryproudofhisoldschool.Well,goodnight,Ponty.

(StartsoffR.again.)FINCH

Goodnight,MissJones.

MISSJONES(Stops)

Don'tworktoohard.

FINCHDon'tworry,Iwon't.

(MISSJONESexitsR.ROSEMARYandSMITTYenterL.TheystopwhentheyseeFINCH)

ROSEMARY

(CrossesbelowSMITTYtoFINCH,R.ofC.)Hello,stranger.

FINCHOh,hi,Rosemary.Hi,Smitty.

SMITTY(OnestepR.)

Hi,Ponty.

(PressesdownelevatorbuttonstageIt)Beenalongday,hasn'tit?

FINCHSurehas.

ROSEMARYIhaven'tseenyousinceyougotyournewjob.

FINCHOh,I'vebeenworkingprettyhard.

ROSEMARYBeenalongday.

SMITTY(Suddenthought)

Say,Rosemary,whereareyouhavingdinnertonight?

ROSEMARY(CrossesL.belowSmitty)

Thatdepends.

Page 52: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­49­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SMITTYOnwhat?

ROSEMARYOnwhereI'mhavingdinner.

(LooksatFINCH.)

SMITTYHuh?Oh!

(BOTHGIRLSturnU.S.)#10–BeenALongDay(Smitty,Rosemary,Finch)

SMITTYWELL,HEREITISFIVEP.M.,THEFINISHOFALONGDAY'SWORKANDTHERETHEYARE,BOTHOFTHEM,THESECRETARYANDTHECLERK...

(ROSEMARYlooksatFINCH.FINCHlooksather.Shelooksaway.ROSEMARYlooksatFINCH,FINCHlooksaway.ROSEMARYlooksaway.)

NOTVERYWELLACQUAINTED,NOTVERYMUCHTOSAYBUTICANHEARTHOSETWOLITTLEMINDSTICKINGAWAY.NOWSHE'STHINKING

ROSEMARY

(Turnsfront)

IWONDERIFWETAKETHESAMEBUS?

SMITTY

ANDHE'STHINKING:

FINCH

(Turnsfront)

THERECOULDBEQUITEATHINGBETWEENUS.

SMITTYNOW,SHE'STHINKING:

ROSEMARYHEREALLYISADEAR.

SMITTYANDHE'STHINKING:

FINCHBUTWHATOFMYCAREER?

Page 53: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­50­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SMITTYTHENSHESAYS:

(ROSEMARYyawnscrossesR.toSMITTY)

ANDHESAYS:

FINCHErr...uh

(CrossesL.toSMITTY.)Wellit'sbeenalongday;

ALL

WELL,IT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.

SMITTY

NOW,SHE'STHINKING:

ROSEMARYIWISHTHATHEWEREMOREOFAFLIRT.

SMITTY

ANDHE'STHINKING:

FINCHIGUESSALITTLEFLIRTINGWON'THURT.

SMITTY

NOW,SHE'STHINKING:

ROSEMARYFORDINNERWECOULDMEET.

SMITTY

ANDHE'STHINKING:

FINCHWEBOTHHAVEGOTTOEAT.

SMITTY

THEN,SHESAYS:

ROSEMARYACHOO!

(CrossesR.toSMITTY)

SMITTY

ANDHESAYS:

FINCHGESUNDHEIT!

(CrossesL.toSmitty)

Page 54: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­51­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARY

Thankyou.

FINCHWELL,IT'SBEENALONGDAY,

ALL

WELL,IT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.

SMITTY

(Unfoldsnewspaper)HEY!THERE'SAYUMMYFRIDAYSPECIALATSTOUFFER'S;IT'SADOLLARNINETYVEGETABLEPLATE.ANDONTHEBOTTOMOFTHEAD…NOTBAD"SERVICEFORTWO,THREEFIFTY‐EIGHT;TOMAKEABARGAIN,MAKEADATE."

ROSEMARY

WONDERFUL!

FINCHIT'SFATE!

SMITTY

NOW,SHE'STHINKING:

ROSEMARY

WHATFEMALEKINDOFTRAPCOULDISPRING?

SMITTYANDHE'STHINKING:

FINCH

IMIGHTASWELLFORGETTHEWHOLETHING.

SMITTY

NOW,SHE'STHINKING(CrossesR.aboveFINCH.)

ROSEMARYSUPPOSEITAKEHISARM

(CrossesR.toFINCH.)

SMITTY

ANDHE'STHINKING:

FINCHWELL,REALLY,WHAT'STHEHARM?

Page 55: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­52­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SMITTY

THEN,SHESAYS:ROSEMARY

HUNGRY?

SMITTY

ANDHESAYS:(Pause.)

FINCH YEAH!

ROSEMARYYEAH!

SMITTYYEAH!

ALL

WELLIT'SBEENALONGDAY;WELL,ITSBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENLONG,BEENALONGDAY.

(Elevatordoorsopen.CHORUSsings.)

CHORUSWELLIT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.

ROSEMARYandFINCHenterelevatorL.SMITTYenterselevatorR.ElevatordownClose.Aftersong,BIGGLEYre­entersR.mutteringtohimself.HecrossesL..pushesdownelevatorbutton.)

BIGGLEYBlithering,blathering.

(BUDentersL.,caringemptymailsack.BIGGLEYstopshim,grabshimbythetie.)

BIGGLEYDammit,you'vebeencomplainingtoyourmotheragain.Shewantsyoupromoted.

BUD

Whynot?Otherpeoplearebeingpromoted

BIGGLEY

Well,ItoldyourAuntGertrudethat

(HEDYentersR.)

HEDYOh,thereyou...

Page 56: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­53­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(HEDY)(SeesBUD,composesherself)

Goodevening,Mr.Biggley. (CrossestoR.elevator.)

BIGGLEY(Carefullybusinesslike)

Oh,goodevening,MissLaRue.

BUDUncleJasper!

BIGGLEY(TurnstoBUD)

Itoldyounevertocallmethataroundhere.

BUDI'msorry,J.B.

BIGGLEYNow,haven'tyougotsomethingtodo?

BUDIwasjustgoingtogetmyhatandgohome.

BIGGLEYGood.

(BUDgoesslowlyR.,lookingbackatBIGGLEYandHEDY)

BIGGLEY

(PullinghimselftogetherandcrossingR.toHEDY)Howdoyoulikeyournewjob,MissLaRue?

HEDYIt'sabig,fatnothing.

(BUDoverhearsthis,thenexitsR.)

BIGGLEYSweetheart,don'ttalkthatwayaroundhere.

HEDY

IthoughtyouweregoingtohelpmebeabigbusinesswomanlikeHelenaRubinsteinorBettyCrocker.Sowhathappens?I'mstuckinthegoddamnstenographicpoolwithnoonetofishmethehellout.

BIGGLEYSsssshhh.Angelthesethingstaketime.Youhavetolearn

(SOMEONEcrossesR.toL.andBIGGLEYsuddenlyswitchestoaloudbusinessliketone.)Yes,MissLaRue,inalargeoperationlikeWorldWideWicketstherearemanymultiplefacetswhichareveryimportantintheschemeofthings.

Page 57: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­54­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(BIGGLEY)

(PERSONexitsL.andBIGGLEYswitchesbacktohispleadingtone.)Hedy,Ipromiseyou...

HEDYIgiveupawonderfuljob.HeadcigarettegirlattheCopa.

BIGGLEY

Butthesurroundings.Yousaidyouhatedallthosemenstaringatyou,makingadvances.

HEDYIt'snodifferentaroundhereinbigbusiness.AtleastattheCopa,whenIgotpinched,1gottipped.

(CrossesR.)Aroundhereagirlcan'tbenddowntopickupapencilwithconfidence.

BIGGLEY

(CrossesR.toher)Youmeansomeonehasbeenbotheringyou?Who?justletmeknowwho.

(SOMEONEcrossesL.toR.BIGGLEY'Svoicegoesupagain.)Yes!Miss,inalargeoperationlikeWorldWideFacets,therearemanymultiplewicketswhich...Whopinchedyou?

HEDYIdon'tcareaboutthat.Look,youdidnotkeepyourpartofmybargain.

BIGGLEYSweetheart!Imeanteveryword.Tellyouwhat,I'llmeetyouatyourplaceintenminutesandwecantalkitover.

HEDY

(Turnsslowlytohim)No.

BIGGLEY

But,angel

(BUDentersR.withhishatandcoaton,dressedexactlylikeBIGGLEY.BIGGLEY'sVOICEgoesupagain.)

Yes,Miss,inalargeoperationlikeWorldWideWickets,therearemanymultiplefacetswhich...

(BUDcrossestoelevatorL.,pushesdownbutton.Hestraightenshistie,brush’soffhiscoat,continuesprimping.BIGGLEYlooksatBUDandthenathisowntittiit',1t1"theyaredressedidentically.ImpatientlyhecrossesL.toBUD.)

Whydon'tyougohome?

Page 58: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­55­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUDI'mwaitingfortheelevator.

BIGGLEYWhydon'tyouwalkdown?

BUDIt'sthirtyfloors!

BIGGLEY

(TurninghisheadawayfromBUDandspeakingunderhisbreath)

Whydon'tyoujump?

BUD

(PuttingonhisglovesandtakingalookatHEDY)Veryattractivegirl,MissLaRue.

BIGGLEYHuh?Oh,yes,Iguessso.Iwasjust,uh,tryingtomakeherfeelathome.Sheseemstoberatherashyperson.

BUDYes.We'll,yougoahead,J.B.

(BIGGLEYstartsR.)I'mmeetingMotherfordinner.

(BIGGLEYstopsdead,crossesbacktoBUD.)Shelovesdinnerwithme.Itellhereverythingthathappensalldayattheoffice.#11–BeenALongDay(Reprise)(Bud,Biggley,Hedy)

(CrossesR.belowBIGGLEYtoC.)

(BUD)NOWHE'STHINKING:

BIGGLEY

THEKIDCOULDREALLYPUTMETHROUGHHELL!

BUDANDSHE'STHINKING:

HEDY

THEKIDCOULDEVENNAMETHEHOTEL.

BUDNOWHE'STHINKING:

BIGGLEYIWONDERIFHE'DDARE…

Page 59: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­56­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUDANDSHE'STHINKING:

HEDY

THERE'SBLACKMAILINTHEAIR.

BUDANDHESAYS:

BIGGLEY

IT'SAHOLDUP!(Elevatoritdoorsopen.)

BUDANDSHESAYS:

HEDY

DOWN?

BIGGLEYWaitaminute!Okay,you'repromoted.(CrossesR.belowBUDtoHEDY.)

ALLWELL,IT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.

(HEDYandBIGGLEYgointoelevatorItDoorsclose.BUDcrossesL.)

BUD

WELL,IT'SBEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONG,BEENALONGDAY.

(ElevatorL.doorsopen,BUDbacksintoelevator.)

HA!(Doorsclose.)#11a–SaturdayMorning(Orchestra)

Scene8

(THEOUTEROFFICE.Saturdaymorning.Desksan'clean,typewritersarecovered.Thewholeofficehasafresh,cleanlook.TwoSCRUBWOMENwithmops,etc.,are,justfinishingup.Theyaresmokingcigarettes.)

FIRSTSCRUBWOMAN

(Lookingaround)Okay,Jackie,that'sit.

Page 60: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­57­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SECONDSCRUBWOMAN

(L.ofC.)

Yep,allspicasaspan.Ibetnowsomeslob'llcomeinanddirtyitallup.

FIRSTSCRUBWOMANNah,notonSat'dymorning.Comeon,let'sdothebigshot'snow.

(TheygointoexecutivesuiteU.R.Afteramoment,FINCHentersfromU.L.Afteraglancetomakesurenooneisaround,quicklyhedropstopcoatonthirddesk,crossesD.belowdesks.Putsattachécaseonfloor.Putspapersfromcaseonfirstdeskandonfloorarounddesk.TossesaddingmachinecoverU.S.Takesfourpapercoffeecupsoutofcaseandputsthemonhisdesk.Takesashtrayandbagofcigarettebuttsoutofcaseandfillsashtray,putsondesk.Putspaperbagbackincase.Closescase,putsitunderseconddesk.Unrollsaddingmachinetapeandwindsitaroundlamplettingithangdownonthefloor.Removesjacket,putsitonchairofseconddesk.Loosenstie,rumpleshair.Collapsesinchairoffirstdesk,headondeskasthoughsoundasleep.BIGGLEYentersfromR.andheadsforexecutivesuite.Heisdressedforgolf.HeseesFINCH,stopsdead,looksatwatch,walksovertoFINCHandtapshimonshoulder.)

BIGGLEY

Goodmorning.

FINCH

(Rises,crossesL.asthoughwakingupfromanap)Oh,isitmorningalready,sir?

BIGGLEYGoodGod,man.Haveyoubeenworkingallnight.?

FINCH

(Crossesuptohisdesk)WellIhadafewthingstocatchupon.Ishouldn'tbeheremuchlonger.

BIGGLEYByGeorgeuh,I'msorry,yournameslipsmymind.

FINCHFinch,sir.F‐I‐N‐C‐H.

(Sits.)

BIGGLEYOh,yes.I'veheardsomegoodthingsaboutyoufrommyscouts.

FINCHThankyou,sir.

BIGGLEYWell,Finch,it'sgreattoseeamanintherecarrying,theball.Youknowsyoumakemefeelabitguilty.Ijustdroppedintopickupmygolfclubs.IhavetoplayaroundtodaywitholdWallyWomper.He'schairmanoftheboard,youknow.

Page 61: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­58­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHIimagineonehavetodothatsortofthingonceinawhile.

BIGGLEYNowdon'tpushyourselftoohard,Finch.Therearelimits,youknow.

FINCH

(Bravely)Oh,don'tworryaboutme,sir.

BIGGLEY(Startsoff)

I’lljustgetmyclubs.

(Startsupstepstoexecutivesuite.FINCHrisesandbeginshummingmelodyofOLDIVY

BIGGLEYstopsdeadashehearswhatFINCHissinging.CrossesbacktoFINCH.)What'sthatyou'rehumming?

FINCH(Stopshumming)

Huh?Oh,Ididn'trealizeIwashumming,Sir.

BIGGLEYYouwerehummingtheOldIvyfightsong.

FINCH

(Doeshissmile,thenspeaks)IguessItwasunconsciousonmypart.

BIGGLEYDidyougothere?WereyouaGroundhog.?

FINCH(Hesitantly)

Well,Sir

(Sits.)BIGGLEY

Sayit,boy!Comeoutwithit.Iknowalotofguyshaveaninferioritycomplexbecausetheydidn'tgotoYaleorPrinceton.You'renotashamedofOldIvy,areyou?

FINCHNo,Sir,notabit.(Rises.)

BIGGLEY

That'stheGroundhogspirit.IshouldhaveknownyouwereOldIvy.Whatyear?

(FINCHcrossesD.toC.,lostinthought;makesfootballpassmotion.BIGGLEYcrossesD.)Finch,whendidyougraduate?

Page 62: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­59­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHOh,I'msorry,Sir.Iwasthinkingaboutthebiggametoday.I'msorryIhavetomissit.WereplayingtheChipmunks.

BIGGLEYThat'sright.Ican'tgetupthere,either.jhopethosedamnedChipmunksdon'tgiveustoomuchtrouble.

FINCHOh,Ithinkwe'lltakethem,Sir.Charnowsky'skneeismuchbetter.

BIGGLEYOh,withCharnowskyintheretheteam'smoraleshouldpickup.He'sthedirtiestplayerwe'vegot.

FINCHWell,eventhoughwe'renotthereinperson,we'llberootingfor'em.Right?

BIGGLEYRight.#12–OldIvy(Biggley,Finch)

(BIGGLEY)

GRR‐R‐R‐ROUNDHOG!(Theyshakehands.)

FINCH

GR‐R‐R‐R‐R‐ROUNDHOG!

BIGGLEY(Marchesdownandthenup)

STANDOLDIVY,STANDFIRMANDSTRONG.

(FINCHstandstotheL.,watchinghim.)

GRANDOLDIVY,HEARTHECHEERINGTHRONG.

(FINCHcrossestoBIGGLEY.)

BIGGLEYANDFINCH

STANDOLDIVYANDNEVERYIELD.RRR‐RIP!RRR‐RIP!RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNKOFFTHEFIELD.

FINCH

(Onhisknees)

WHENYOUFALLONTHEBALL,

Page 63: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­60­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY

ANDYOU'REDOWNTHEREATTHEBOTTOMOFTHEHEAP,

FINCH

(CrossesR.ofBIGGLEY,thebottomoftheheap,dropstohisknees.)

DOWNATTHEBOTTOMOFTHEHEAP,

BIGGLEY

WHERETHEMUDIS,OH,SOVERY,VERYDEEP,HEAP,

FINCH

(Rises.)DOWNINTHECRUDDY,MUDDYDEEP,

BIGGLEYDON'TFORGET,BOY,

BOTHTHAT'SWHYTHEYCALLUS,THEYCALLUSGRRROUNDHOG!GRRROUNDHOG!

(BOTHcrossL.) FINCH BIGGLEY

STAND GRR‐ROUNDHOGOLDIVY, GRR‐ROUNDHOGSTANDFIRM RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIP,ANDSTRONG. RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNK!

(BOTHcrossR.)

GRANDOLDIVY, GRANDOLDIVY,HEARTHECHEERINGTHRONG. HEARTHECHEERINGTHRONG.STAND GRR‐ROUNDHOG!

OLDIVY… GRR‐ROUNDHOG!GODBLESSYOU…

BOTHANDNEVERYIELD.RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNKOFFTHEFIELD.

FINCH

(R.ofBIGGLEY)

Ienjoyedthat,sir.

Page 64: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­61­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEYSodidI,boy.Well,I'llgogetthoseclubs.

(Startsoffchanting.)

Rip,rip,rip,theChipmunk,off… (CrossesU.S.R.intoexecutivesuite.FINCHgoesbacktohisdesk,reachesintohis attachécase,pullsoutafairlylargehunkofknitting,sitsonthedesk.,tossestheball ofwoolU.S.andbeginstoknit.BIGGLEYre­entersR.,stopsandlooksattheknitting

withfascination.CrossesL.toFINCH.)What'sthatyou'redoing?

FINCH

(Eyesclosed)

Twenty‐Sixtwenty‐seven,twenty‐eight,twenty‐nine.I'msorry,Ijustwantedtofinishthisrow.Iguessthislookssilly,sir.ButI'vealwaysfoundthatknittinghelpsmethinkmoreclearly.

BIGGLEYWell,I'llbedamned.

(Putstheclubsdownagainstdesk,crossesL.belowFINCH,looksaroundtomakesuretheyarealone.ConfidentiallytoFINCH.)

Iknit,too.

(Sitsinchairoffirstdesk.)

FINCHReally!

(Rises.)BIGGLEY

Yep.It'sgoodformynerves.Beendoingitforyears.Nobodyknowsbutmysecretary,MissJones.Youknowher.

FINCH (Carefully)Yes,I'vemether.

BIGGLEY

(Suddenlypointingtoknitting)What'sthisgoingtobe?

FINCHOh,IthoughtI'dmakea

(Heholdsupknittingonvariouspositions.)...abirdcagecover.

(Putsknittingondesk.)

Page 65: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­62­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEYBirdcagecover.Inevermadeoneofthose.

(Rises.)Buthowdoyoulikethis?

(Indicatessweaterhe'swearing.)

FINCHOh,that'sbeautiful,sir.

BIGGLEYImadethecoversforthosegolfclubs.See?Popcornstitch.

FINCH

(Takesoutclub,handsittoBIGGLEY.BIGGLEYsits)Youknow,Mr.BIGGLEY,Ifeelkindofsorryformenwhodon'tknit.Theyleademptylives.

BIGGLEYIlikethewayyouthinch,Fink.

FINCH"Think,Finch,"sir.

BIGGLEY

Think,Finch‐yes.Tellme,whatareyouheadingforaroundhere?What'syourambitioninthisoutfit?Brightfellowlikeyoumusthaveitallplannedout.

FINCH(CrossesR,)

Well,Mr.Biggley,ifI'meverfortunateenoughtoreachapositionwhereIhaveachoice,I'dliketobewheretheydosomethingreal...

(Crossesback.)

...somethingamancangethisteethinto...soliddown‐to‐earththeadvertisingdepartment.

BIGGLEY

(Rises,crossesD.S.FINCHcrossesdownwithhim)Advertising!Son,Iwouldn'twantthatforanoldschoolmateofmine.It'stootoughtooinsecure.Why,thisplacehashadfifteennewadvertisingmanagersinthepastyearalone.Thepoordevilsdisappearattherateofaboutoneamonth.

FINCHWhyisthat?

BIGGLEYIfirethem.

FINCH

Butifyougotamanwithideas,hecouldswingit.

Page 66: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­63­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY(Contemptuously)

Ideas!That'swhatIlookfor.IkeephiringmenwhoaresupposedtohavebrilliantideasandnotoneofthemwilleverdowhatItellhim.No,son,yousticktowhatyou'redoing.You'lldoallrightthere.Damnedgooddepartment.Bytheway,whereareyou?

FINCHPlansandSystems.Mr.Catch'sdepartment.

BIGGLEYGoodman,Catch.Knowswhathe'sdoing.Youstaywithhim.AndI'llkeepmyeyeonyou,too.

(FINCHcrossesU.todesk,getsgolfclubs.BIGGLEYcrossesR.FINCHcrossesD.L.ofBIGGLEY,handshimthegolfclubs.)

FINCH

Hereyouare,sir.Haveawonderfulday.I'vegottogetthisdonebeforemidnight.

(Startsfordesk.)BIGGLEY

Midnight.

(FINCHstops.)That'stheGroundhogspirit.

(TwoSCRUBWOMENenterfromexecutivesuite,standlisteningattopofriser.)

#13–GrandOldIvy(Reprise)(Biggley,Finch)

FINCH&BIGGLEY

GRR‐ROUNDHOG!CRR‐ROUNDHOG!STANDOLDIVY,STANDFIRMANDSTRONG.RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIP,RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNKOFFTHEFIELD.

(TheygoitSCRUBWOMENcomedownstairs,surveythemess)

FIRSTSCRUBWOMANBeautiful!

SECONDSCRUBWOMANWhatwasthat?

FIRSTSCRUBWOMAN

Acollegesong,

SECONDSCRUBWOMANWhatcollege?

Page 67: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­64­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FIRSTSCRUBWOMAN

(Pickingupknittingoffdesk)I'dsayVassar.#13a–Vassar(Orchestra)

Scene9

(FINCH'sFIRSTOFFICE.AsmalldeskwithtwochairsissetinfrontofanairventstageR.Intheblack,wehearBIGGLEY'SVOICE.)

BIGGLEY'SVOICE

Hello,Bratt?ThisisJ.B.Say,whatarewerunningaroundhere,asweatshop?We'reworkingthatboytoohard.Who?Finch!F‐I‐N‐C‐H...Thepoordevilworkedhereallweekend.Ioughttoknow.Iwastherewithhim,workingsidebyside.Theladneedshelp.Well,firstofall,Iwanthimtohaveanofficeofhisown...deservesthebestyouhaveavailable.Oh,nothingfancy‐don'twanthimgettingideas.

(WhentheLIGHTScomeup,FINCHiswalkingarounddustingandstraightningthings.ROSEMARYentersfromR.)

ROSEMARY

Hello,Ponty.

FINCHRosemary,comeonin.Howdoyoulikeit?

(CrossesR.abovedesk.)

ROSEMARY

(Looksaround,crossesL.belowdesk.)Yourfirstoffice.It'sbeautiful.

(Sits.)

FINCHIt'snotbad,considering.Ididwantmynameonthedoor,butIdecidednottoashbecausethere'snodoor.

ROSEMARYIt'sbeautiful.Icanonlystayaminute.IjustwantedtotellyouthatIhadagoodtimetheothernight.

FINCH(Sits)

Me,too.Ienjoyedtheconversation.Itwasvery...Well,iguessItalkedallthetime.

ROSEMARYIlikedit.But‐justonething,Ponty.

Page 68: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­65­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ROSEMARY)

(Rises,crossesD.)...Aboutwhathappenedlater.Imean,whenwesaidgoodnight.

(FINCHrises,crossesDR.ofdesk.)ItwasourfirstdateandIdon'twant.youtogeta.wrongimpressionofme,but...well,Iguessit'snaturalforafellowtotrytogetalittlefreshwithagirlandmakeapassather,butyoudidn'tdoanything!

FINCHIhadtogetupearly.

(HEDYentersR.ROSEMARYlooksR.pastFINCH.FINCH,realizingsomeonehasentered,turnsItandisshockedatthesightofHEDYLARUE.)

Sir?...Miss?

HEDYI'mMissLaRue,honey.

FINCHWhatcanIdoforyou,MissLaRue?

HEDYAsecretarywasorderedtobeassignedtoyou.I'myourassignation.

ROSEMARY

(ConfidentiallytoFINCH)Youdidn'ttellmeyouweregettingasecretary.

FINCH

(CrossesL.toROSEMARY)Ijustfoundoutmyself.

ROSEMARYWell,happydictation,Ponty.

(ShegoesR.belowHEDY.)HEDY

'Bye.(ROSEMARYexits.FINCHstraightenshisjacket,bows,realizesthat'sthewrongthingtodo,lowershisvoice.)

FINCH

Now,nowwon'tyousitdown,MissLaRue?(CrossesR.abovedesk.)

HEDYThankyou.

(ShecrossesL.,sits,crossesherlegs,revealingagreatdealofsame.)

Page 69: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­66­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH (Afterstaringatherforamoment)Now,MissLaRue...

HEDYOh,justcallmeHedy.

FINCH

Well...I...I...thinkthatperhapsinabusinessrelationship.

HEDYYou'recute.

FINCHExcusemeamoment.

(Hepicksuphisbook,walkstocornerofhisofficeD.R.andreads.)

BOOKVOICE

Choosingasecretarycanbefraughtwithperil.TakeagoodlookattheYoungladywhohasbeenassignedtoyou.

(BOOKVOICEstops.FINCHlooksatHEDY,whoisfixingherstocking.FINCHbeginstoreadagain.BOOKVOICEresumes.)

Ifsheissoattractivethatyoufeelthingsaretoogoodtobetrue,beverycareful.ItmaybethatoneofthebigmeninthecompanyisInterested‐In‐Her‐Career.Thereisasimpletestforthis.Checkonhersecretarialskill.Thesmallerherabilities,thebiggerherProtector.

(FINCHclosesbook,goestodesk.)

FINCH

MissLaRue,let'strysomedictation.Takealetter.

HEDY(Flipsopenstenopad)

Shoot!

FINCH

(CrossesL.ofHEDY,speaksslowly)ThisistoMr.Catch....DearMr..Catch (CrossesRSlowly.)Pursuanttoour...discussionof

HEDYWaitaminute

(FINCHStops.)Youfryingtocatchatrab?

Page 70: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­67­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(CrossesL.ofdesk)

Whatareyoutakingthisdownin?

HEDY

Longhand.It'ssafer.Imakeupforitwhenjtype.

FINCHOh,youtypefast?

HEDYLikeajackrabbit.Twelvewordsaminute.

FINCH

(Sits)Uh...bytheway,MissLaRue.Hedy...whatwasyourlastposition.?

HEDY

(Afterabeat)Iwasinthetobaccobusiness.ButthenMr.Biggley...

FINCH(Slamsdesk)

Mr.Biggley...

(Reacts,turnsfront.)HEDY

Hegotmeinterestedinwickets,soImatriculatedmyselfintobusinessschool,and,well,hereIam.

FINCHYes,youare,aren'tyou?

(Looksatbook.)HEDY

Goahead,dictatesomemore.I'mgoingtolikethisjazz.

FINCH(Closesbook)

Hedy,letthatletterwaitforamoment.

(Handsherafolder.)PleasetakethisintoMr.Gatch.

HEDY

(Rises)Mr.Catch.

Page 71: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­68­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHOhhuh.He'smyboss.MakesureyougiveittoMr.Catchhimself.

(ShestartsoffL.)Hedy

(Shestops.)...personally.

HEDYOkay,Charlie.

(SheexitsL.)#14–Hedy’sWalk(Orchestra)

Scene10

(PLANSANDSYSTEMSOFFICE.LIGHTuponGATCHseatedathisdesk.ThereisanotherchairattheR.behindwhichMISSKRLIMHOLTZisstanding.Doortotheofficeis.Phonerings.MISSKRUMHOLTZpicksupphone.)

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

(R.ofCATCH)

Hello,Mr.Catch'soffice.Onemoment,please.

(TurnstoCATCH.)Mr.Catch,Mr.Finch'ssecretaryisoutsideandshe'dliketoseeyoupersonally.

CATCH(Puzzled)Havehercomein.

MISSKRUMHOLTZ(Hangsup)

I'llgether.

(ShegoesC.HEDYenters,posesindoorway.)

HEDY(CATCHjumpstohisfeet)

Mr.Catch?

(CrossesL.todesk.)

CATCH(Startled)

Yes.?

Page 72: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­69­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

HEDY

I'mMr.Finch'ssecretary.Heaskedmetogiveyouthis.

(Shedropsfolderonthedesk.,startsoff.Herwholemannerisveryseductive.CATCHfollows,stopsher.)

CATCH

Say,whatareyoudoingtonight?

HEDYI'vegotadatewithmygentlemanfriend.

CATCH

(GrabsHEDY)Oh,comeon.You'reinthebigtimenow.Don'tfoolaroundwithsmallfry.#14a–OnwardandUpward(Orchestra)

(BLACKOUTPhoneRINGSinthedark.DIMUPimmediately.FINCHisseatedatGATCH'sdesk.He'ssittingbackinthechairasthoughhehashadthisjobforever.Thereisasmuglookonhisface,andaslightsmile.MISSKRUMHOLTZisonstage.)

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

(Pickingupphone)

Hello,Mr.Finch'soffice.Onemoment.

(Handshimphone.)It'sforyou.Production.

(ShegoesU.C.)

FINCH

(Intophone)Hello,Finchspeaking.Oh,yes.

(Rises.)I'mrunningPlansandSystemsnow.Huh?Mr.Catch?Oh,he'sbeentransferredtooneofouroutoftownoffices...Venezuela.#14b–Girlsville(Orchestra)

Scene11

(TRAVELER.AcorridorsomewhereintheWorldWideWicketBuilding.TherearetwofoliageunitsD.S.L.andR.BRATTandTACKABERRYenterR.JENKINSentersL.)

Page 73: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­70­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(StoppingJENKINSL.offC.)Say,JenkinsIwasjustgoingstocallyou.We'regettinganewvicepresidentinchargeofadvertising.

JENKINSAnotherone?Whoisitthistime?

BRATTAfellowbythenameofOvington.BenjaminBurtonDanielOvington.

JENKINS

(Thinking)B.B.D.O.

BRATTI'llbetthat'swhyBiggleyhiredhim.Anyway,we'regivinghimareceptiontonight.

TACKABERRY

(R.ofBRATT)IntheExecutiveClubontheroof.

JENKINSIwonderhowlongthisguy'lllast?

BRATTIdon'tknow,butwe'regivinghimthefulltreatment.Youcanaskyoursecretarytocome.We'reinvitingsomeoftheexecutivesecretariestoactashostesses.

JENKINSOkay,Bratt.

(JENKINSgoesR.BRATTandTACKABERRYgoL.)

BRATTB.B.D.O.

(TheyexitL.ROSEMARYentersR.SMITTYandGIRLcomeonfromL.)

SMITTY(StoppingROSEMARYL.ofC.GIRLexitsR.)

Rosemary,Ihadlunchwithoutyou.Wherehaveyoubeen?

ROSEMARYSmitty,I'vebeenmadesecretarytothenewadvertisingmanager.

SMITTYOhgood.What'shelike?

ROSEMARYOh,Idon'tcareabouthim,butthismeansthatI'minvitedtothereceptionthisevening,andPontywillbethere,too.Smitty,I'vebeendreamingofachancelikethis.Pontyhasneverseenmealldressedup...Youknow,glamorous.

Page 74: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­71­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ROSEMARY)(Holdsupbox.)

Doyouknowwhatthisis?

SMITTYYourlunch?

ROSEMARYSmitty,thisistheanswertoiwwtosucceedwithFinch.Anewdress.It'sjustbeautiful.

SMITTYIhopeitworks.Goodluck,Rosemary.

(Theyembrace.ShestartsR.)ROSEMARY

Thanks,Smitty.

SMITTY(R.ofC.)

Youknow,IthinkmaybeI'llgetanewdressfortonight,too.

ROSEMARYGoodidea.Ihopeyou'reverypopularattheparty,Smitty.

SMITTY

MaybeIwillbe,atthat.I'mthinkingofstartingasecretrumorthatI'manymphomaniac.

(SheexitsR.ROSEMARYlooksafterherthenlooksatthebox,hugsitandsings.)

#15–ParisOrigina(Rosemary,Smitty,MissJones,Girls)

ROSEMARY(Holdsupdressbox)

ISLIPPEDOUTTHISAFTERNOONANDBOUGHTSOMELOVEINSURANCE,

(Hugsdressbox.)

AMOSTEXCLUSIVEDRESSFROMGAYPAREE.IT'SSLEEKANDCHICANDMAGNIFIQUE,WITHSEXBEYONDENDURANCE.IT'SME!IT'SME!IT'SABSOLUTELYME!ANDWHY?ONEGUY!

(Holdsdressboxout.)

THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINALI'MWEARINGTONIGHT;I'MWEARINGTONIGHT'SPECIALLYFORHIM.

Page 75: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­72­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ROSEMARY)(CrossesItcrossesbackL.toC.)

THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL'SALLPAIDFORANDMINE.IMUSTLOOKDIVINE'SPECIALLYFORHIM.

(Kissesthebox.CrossesL.strummingdressboxlikeguitar.)

SUDDENLYHEWILLSEEME,ANDSUDDENLYHE'LLGODREAMY,ANDBLAMEITALLONHISOWNMASCULINEWHIM.NEVERKNOWINGTHAT…THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL,SOTEMPTINGLYTIGHT,I'MWEARINGTONIGHT'SPECIALLYFORHIM

(StartsoffL.)

FORHIMFORHIM.(SheexitsL.)

Scene12

(THEROOFTheMUSICcontinuesasweopenonaprettyterraceatcocktailtime.Therearetableswithbigumbrellasandassortedterracefurniture.Thepartyhasn'tstartedyet.ROSEMARYentersimmediatelyU.L.fromstairunit.Shehaschangedintohernewdress.SheisnowwearingherParisoriginal.ShecrossesD.C.andcontinuessinging.)

(ROSEMARY)

FORHIM,FORHIM.THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINALI'MWEARINGTONIGHT

(FirstGirlEntersR.WearingSameDress.)

SHE'SWEARINGTONIGHTANDICOULDSPIT!

(BOTHlookateachother.)

SOMEIRRESPONSIBLEDRESSMANUFACTURER(GIRLcrossesL.ofROSEMARY.)

JUSTDIDN'TPLAYFAIR.(Looksatgirl.)

I'MONEOFAPAIR

Page 76: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­73­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARYANDGIRLANDICOULD

(MISSKRUMHOLTZentersL.wearingsamedress.)

OH,NO!(CrossesR.)

MISSKRUMHOLTZTHISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL,ALLSLINKYWITHSIN...

(ANOTHERGIRLentersR.wearingsamedress,leansagainstportal.)

ALREADYSLUNKIN(GIRLexits,R.)

ANDICOULDDIE.(MISSKRUMHOLTZturns,crossesU.c.seesROSEMARYandFIRSTGIRL.)

ROSEMARYANDGIRLANDICOULDKILLHER.

ALLTHREEANDICOULD‐

(SMITTYentersR.wearingsamedress.)

SMITTYTHISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL,TRÉSSEXY,NEST‐CEPAS?

(LooksU.C.,seesTHREEGIRLS.)

GODDAMMIT‐VOILA!

ALLFOURANDICOULDSPIT!

(MoreGIRLSenterfromallsidesdressedalike.ALLGIRLScovertheireyesandcrossD.tofrontofstage,lookR.MISSJONESentersR.wearingsamedress.)

MISSJONES

Girls!ALL

OH!THIRTY‐NINEBUCKSIHANDOUTFORSOMETHINGTOMAKEMESTANDOUT,ANDSUDDENLYI'VEGONEINTOMIMEOGRAPH...

MISSJONES

SOMELAUGH!

Page 77: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­74­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ALLlineupacrossstage.)

ALL

THISIRRESISTIBLEPARISORIGINAL,THISMASS‐PRODUCEDCRIME,I'MWEARINGTONIGHTFORTHEVERYLASTTIME!

(Afternumber,GIRLSmillaroundstageR.MENenterfromU.L.,lookingaroundconfusedastheyseeallthegirlsdressedalike.HEDYentersD.L,posesbyportal.Sheiswearingthesamedress.MENcrossL.toherandwhistle.)

MEN

Whatadress!

GIRLS(Indisgust)

Oh!

(TheydriftU.S.BUDentersfrom,L.,stopsbyHEDY.)

BUDHedy,willyouhaveadrink?

HEDY (Dignified)Inevertouchanythingalcoholicbeforefivep.m.

BUD

(Lookingathiswatch)It'stenafterfive.

(MENcrossaway.)

HEDYWhichwayisthebooze?

BUDRightoverhere.

(TwoWAITERSpusharoilingbaronL.belowstairunit.)

HEDYI'llhaveadoubleMartini.

(SheandBUDgotobarU.L.ROSEMARYstartsoffR.FINCHentersfromD.R.,CrossestoROSEMARY,stoppingher.BIGGLEYentersfromU.L.fromstairwaywithOVINGTON,BRATTandTACKABERRY)

Page 78: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­75­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY(Onstairunit)

Hereheis,boysandgirls.

(CrossesD.C.TheysurroundOVINGTONshakehands,etc.OVINGTONcrossesD.R.ofBIGGLEYBRATTcrossestohisL.,followedbyTACKABERRY)

Youknowouradvertisingdepartmenthasbeenintroubleforalongtime.ButIthinkwenowhaveafellowwhoisgoingtohelpputWorldWideWicketsbackontop.Mr.BenjaminBurtonDanielOvington.

(ALLapplaud.)

OVINGTON(R.ofBIGGLEY)Thanks,boysandgirls.IjustwanttosaythatI'mproudtobejoiningtheWorldWideWicketfamily.Idon'tknowverymuchaboutwickets,butIdoknowaboutadvertising.Mytheoryofadvertisingcanbesummedupinonesentence:"Shoveitdowntheirthroatswithasoftsell."

BIGGLEYGoodsoundthinking.

OVINGTONAndI'dliketosaythat

HEDY

(CrossesD.L.frombar.BUDfollows)BenjaminBurtonDanielOvington.Whatthehellkindofnameisthat?

(BIGGLEYwhisperssomethingtoBRATT.BRATTcrossesL.toHEDY)

OVINGTONButI'dliketosaythat...

(BIGGLEYstopshim.)BRATT

Say,BudHEDY

(ToBRATT)

YoucallthisadoubleMartini?There'sonlyoneoliveinit.

OVINGTONI'dliketosay

(BIGGLEYstopshim.)BRATT

Bud,J.B.saysforyoutotakeMissLaRuehome.Shedoesn'tseentohefeelingwell.

HEDYI'mfeelingfine!

Page 79: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­76­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#16–TheCompanyWay(AlaDanceBand)(Orchestra)

BUDYoufeelterrible.

(Ashestartstotakeheroff,HEDYpullsfreecrossesR.toFINCH.)

HEDYHey,Finchy,let'sdance.

OVINGTONAnddliketosay

(BIGGLEYstopshimagain.)

FINCH

(GrabbingROSEMARY)I'malreadydancing,withRosemary.

(HeandROSEMARYdoafewsteps.)

BIGGLEYEverybody.dance!

(Turns,takesMISSJONEStohisL.,beginstodance.)

OVINCTONFurthermore,I'dliketo...

(GIRLgrabshimandtheystartdancing.GROUPstartstodance.BUDtriestotakeHEDYawayagain.Shekickshim.)

BUD

Ouch!

(HEDYdisappearsintogroupdancing,withBUDfollowing.)Comeon,Hedy.Nogames.

(Hecomesoutofcrowd,draggingSMITTYbythehand,crossingD.L.)ComeonHedy,J.B.wantsmetotakeyou...

SMITTYBud,youmusthaveheardtherumor!

(BUDseeshehasthewronggirl,groans,divesbackintodancinggroup,callingafterHEDY.)

#16a–TheExecutiveLanding(Orchestra)

Scene13

(ELEVATORLANDING.StageR.elevatordooropens.BUDandHEDYconicout.Doorclosesbehindthem.)

Page 80: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­77­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

HEDYWow!Thatelevatormademedizzy.

BUDComeonHedy.

(TheybothstartcrossingL.)

HEDYWhatIneedisashower.

BUDJ.B.wantsmetotakeyouhome.

(TriestotakeherstageR.)

HEDY

(Resisting,crossingL.withhim)

No.I'mgoingtoJ.B.'soffice.Hehasaprivateshower.I'lltakeashowerandthencomebacktotheparty.

(Startsdancestep.)BUD

Okay,Hedy,haveaniceshower.HEDY

Thanks,Bud.

(Pincheshischeck.)Youknow,you'recute.NotascuteasFinch,butyou'recute.

(SheexitsL.)

BUDNotascuteasFinch!

(Hestandstherethinkingforamoment.ManentersfromR.,crossestostageR.elevatordoor,Pushesupbutton.BUDcrossesR.toman.)

#17–ElevatorDance(Orchestra)

(BUD)

Goinguptotheparty,Pete?MAN

Yeah.BUD

WillyoutellMr.FinchIwanttoseehimdownhere.

(Elevatordooropens.)Tellhimit'simportant.

MANOkay.

Page 81: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­78­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(Elevatordoorcloses.BUD,leftalone,nowstartsadance.)

BUD(Humming)

Deciadadum,ladadedeOldsexyHedyisinthere,takingashower...

(Dances.)AndI'vegotalittlesomethingupmysleeve....Ole'!

(Dances.)That'sgoingtoputlittleoldFinchyrightoutonhis

(Kicksfloorwithheel.DanceisinterruptedbyelevatorstageR.dooropeningFINCHcomesout.)

Oh,hello.,Finch.

FINCHWhat'sthisallabout,Bud?

(CrossesL.toBUD.)BUD

J.B.wantsyoutogotohisoffice.He'llmeetyouthere.

FINCH(Puzzled)

ButIjustsawhim.Hedidn'tsayanything.

BUDIguesshedidn'twanttosayanythinginfrontofOvington.Youknowhowitgoesaroundherewithadvertisingmanagers.

FINCH(CrossesL.belowBUD)

Doyouthinkyouruncleisconsidering...

BUD

Idon'tknowanything.IonlyknowIwastoldtotellyoutogotohisoffice.

FINCH

Well,I'veneverseenhisoffice,anyway.Thanks,Bud.

(HegoesL.)BUD

You'rewelcomeNowtogetmyuncle.

(BUDgoesintoroutineconsistingofthefollowing:Ashecrosses,hesings.)Good‐bye,Finchy‐Hello,UncleJasper

(HebreaksintoawildsambaandleapsO.S.R)Ole'!

Page 82: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­79­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#17a–EtherealGrandeur(Orchestra)

Scene14

(J.B.BIGGLEY'sOFFICE.Avery,beautiful,lushoffice.Twosumsoneithersideofthelargecenterwindow.Deskandbighigh­backedchairC.ThereisalsoasmallanteroomD.L.withasecretary'sdeskvisibletotheaudience.Thereisadoorpane!toenterBIGGLEY'SofficeL.abovesecretary'sdesk.InthemainofficethereisadoorU.R.leadingtotheprivatebathandshowerOnrisenooneisonstage.FINCHentersD.L.,entersthroughanteroomdoor,walksintoBIGGLEY'office.Hehasneverbeeninherebeforeandhisattitudeshowsit.Helooksaroundinadmirationandawe.CrossesabovedeskR.Feelsthesofa,touchestheglassonthewindowC.,slideshishandoverthetopofthechair,swingschairaroundtofaceaudience.Thisiswhathewouldliketohavehimselfsomeday.Hesitsinchair.)

FINCH

(Addressingtheworldatlarge)

Someday,someday...

(BathroomdoorU.R.opensslowly.HEDYappears.FINCHdoesn'tseeher.Heissittinginthechairandlostinhisdreams.HEDYsneaksabovedesktoL.sideofthechair,putsherhandsoverhiseyes.)

HEDY

Guesswho?

FINCH

(Feelsbehindhim)Mr.Biggley?

HEDY

(Droppingherhands)No,it'sme!

FINCH

(Rises,turns,looksstartled)Oh,hi,Hedy.IwassupposedtomeetMr.Biggleyhere.

HEDYMr.Biggley?He'snotcoming.Somebodygaveyouaburnsteer.

FINCHIshouldhaveknownitwasarib.Well,I'dbetter

(StartsfordoorL.,butHEDYcrossesD.betweenhimandthedoor.)

HEDYWhat'syourhurry?

Page 83: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­80­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHIthinkI’dbetterbacktotheparty.

HEDYIt'smorefundownhere.

FINCHWell,IthinkI'dbetter.

HEDYYou'reanxioustogetbacktothatRosemary,huh?Areyoustuckonher?

FINCH (CrossestoC.)Rosemary?Oh,sheandIarejustgoodfriends.

HEDY

(CrossesIttohim)

That'sverysensible.Anup‐and‐comingyoungchaplikeyoushouldn'tbetieddown.I'vebeenwatchingyou,buster.

(Shesmackshiminthestomach.)

You'regoingplaces.

(CrossesL.twosteps.)

FINCHVenezuela.Look,Hedy...

HEDY

Wouldn'tJ.B.dieifhewalkedinandfoundyoukissingme?

FINCHFrankly,I'dratherhedidn't.

HEDYComeon,let'stryit.

FINCHUhuh.

HEDYYou'dbetter,FinchIfyoudon'tkissme,I'lltellJ.B.youdid.

FINCHOkay.JustOnce.

(FINCHsitsinchairCHWysitsinhislap,kisseshim.Afterkiss,harpglissandoisPlayed.FINCHthentriestorisebutcollapsesfromaftermathofkiss."Rosemary”themeisflowheardPlayedbyTrumpet.)

Page 84: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­81­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#18–Rosemary(Finch,Rosemary)

FINCH(Halfsinging)

ROSEMARY!

(Rises.)

HEDYHuh?

(OrchestraTrumpetplaysCMajortheme.)

FINCH(CrossesR.)

Can'tyouhearit? (Half­singing.)

ROSEMARY!HEDY

Rosemary?

FINCHThatkiss

HEDYWhataboutthatkiss?

FINCHRosemary!

HEDYItishighlyinsultingtothinkoftwobroadsinthemiddleofonekiss.

FINCHI'msorry,Hedy,butsomethinghappenedtome.Ican'texplain...

HEDY(Pointsathim)

Finch.Youareinlove.

(Loudcrescendoof"ROSEMARY"theme.)

FINCH(Takesfront,stunned)

That'sright!Finchisinlove!It'slikemusicallaroundme.Likeasymphony.Imusthavebeeninloveeversinceshetookmyparticulars.

HEDY

(CrossesR.tohim)Andyoufoundthisoutbykissingme?

Page 85: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­82­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHYes,Hedy.

HEDYIdon'tknowmyownstrength.

(ShegoesU.R.intobathroom.FINCHraiseshisarms,abouttoconductinvisableorchestra.Heindicatesdownbeat.)

FINCH

SUDDENLYTHEREISMUSICINTHESOUNDOFYOURNAME...

(Looksaround.)

ROSEMARY(CrossesR.)

ROSEMARY(CrossesD.R.)

WASTHEMELODYLOCKEDINSIDEME,TILLATLASTOUTITCAME…ROSEMARY!

(CrossesD.L.)

ROSEMARY,(CrossestoC.)

JUSTIMAGINEIFWEKISSED,WHATACRESCENDO

(Raiseshishandhigh,closeseyes,slowlydropshand.)

NOTTOBEMISSED.(Crossesit)

ASFORTHERESTOFMYLIFETIMEPROGRAM,GIVEMEMOREOFTHESAME

(Fallsandrollsonfloor.)

ROSEMARY.ROSEMARY,THEREISWONDERFULMUSICINTHEVERYSOUNDOFYOURNAME.

(StaysonfloorD.R.)

ROSEMARY

(EntersL.throughanteroomandcrossesR.toedgeofdesk)Ponty,IheardBudFrumptalkingattheparty.Whereisshe?

Page 86: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­83­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(Rises,crossesL.toher)Rosemary,somethingwonderfulhashappened.

ROSEMARY

Whatareyoutalkingabout?

FINCHCan'tyouhearit?Can'tyouhearit?

(Sings)

SUDDENLYTHEREISMUSICINTHESOUNDOFYOURNAME...

ROSEMARY

Ican'thearathing.FINCH

ROSEMARY...

(Spoken)Justlisten.It'sallaroundme,likeabeautifulpinksky...

ROSEMARY

(CrossesIttohim)Nowlookhere,J.PierrepontFinch,haveyoulostyourmind?

FINCH

Rosemary,darling,willyoumarryJ.PierrepontFinch?

ROSEMARY

NowIhearit!Ihearit!

(CrossesL.)Ihearit!Ihearit!

(Sings)

SUDDENLYTHEREISMUSICINTHESOUNDOFYOURNAME

(FINCHcrossesR.)

J.PIERREPONT.

(TheybothcrosstoeachotherC.)

FINCH

ROSEMARY,JUSTIMAGINEIFWEKISSEDWHATACRESCENDO...(Theykiss,holditwhilepianoconcertoisplayed.Atendofconcerto,theybreakkiss,remainholdinghands,turnfront.)

Page 87: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­84­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BOTH

NOTTOBEMISSED.

FINCH

ASFORTHERESTOFMYLIFETIMEPROGRAMGIVEMEMOREOFTHESAME

(TheybothcrossR.)

FINCH ROSEMARYROSEMARY. J.PIERREPONT,

J.PIERREPONT. (BOTHcrossL.ofC.)

ROSEMARY, J.PIERREPONT,

BOTHTHEREISWONDERFULMUSICINTHEVERYSOUNDOFYOURNAME.

(Aftersongtheyembrace.)

FINCH (R.ofROSEMARY)Ohhoney,I'vebeensowrappedupintryingtogetaheadthatInever...

(HEDYre­entersU.R.,wearingnothingbutabigtowel.ROSEMARYseesherbutFINCHdoesn't.ROSEMARYnowlooksverycarefullyatFINCHashetalks.)

...realized.It'sasthoughI'mseeingyouforthefirsttime.

ROSEMARY

(Coldly)AndI'mseeingyouforthefirsttime.Youhaveontwodifferentkindsoflipstick.Mine (PointstoHEDY)...andhers.

FINCH(CrossesR.toHEDY,startled)

Rosemary,thisisveryeasilyexplained.

(CrossesL.tobelowchair.)Youdon'tunderstand.

ROSEMARY(CrossesL.)

Yes,Ido.Well,don'tletmekeepyou.Goon.Gobacktomakinglovetoher.Kissheragain.Takeherhomefortheweekend.Idon'tcare!

(SheturnsandwalksoutL.)

Page 88: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­85­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

(TurnstoHEDY)

WhatwillIdo?

HEDYLet'sdowhatshesaid.

(ROSEMARYstopsinanteroomassheseessomethingoffstageL.)

ROSEMARYOhoh!

(Sheconiesrushingback,crossesbelowFINCHtoL.ofHEDY,addressesHEDY.)Getbackinthere.

HEDYIhavenothingtohide.

ROSEMARYYes,youhave,andkeepithidden.

(HEDYgoesthroughU.R.door.ROSEMARYcrossesD.toFINCH,looksathim.)Yousnake.Nowkissme.

(Shegrabshim.Theykissandholdit.BIGGLEYandBUDenterL.inanteroom.BUDgoesL.,lookingsatisfiedthathisplanhasbeenputintoaction.BIGGLEYentersoffice,crossesR.toFINCHandROSEMARY,stopsdeadasheseesROSEMARY,notHEDY,inclinchwithFINCH.)

BIGGLEY

OhI'msorry.Ithought

(Theyseparateandlookathim.)

FINCHUh

ROSEMARYOh,it'smyfault,Mr.Biggley.IinsistedthatMr.Finchshowmeyouroffice.

BIGGLEY(Recovering)

Isee.Well,actually,Ijustcameintowashup.

(HestartsU.abovedeskforbathroomU.R.AsBIGGLEYgoesabovedeskROSE­MARYSwiftlybeatshimtoit.FINCHcrossesL.ofdesktowatch.)

ROSEMARY

(Atbathroomdoor)

Excuseme.

(Slamsdoor.)

Page 89: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­86­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY

(Facescloseddoorinapuzzledmanner.Heturnsback,crossesD.toR.ofFINCH)Finch,Ioweyouanapology

FINCHYoudo?Forwhat?

BIGGLEY

Nevermind.However,IwantyoutoknowIstilldonotapproveofwhatyouweredoingwhenIwalkedin.Idonotcareforanythinglikethatbetweenexecutivesandtheirsecretaries.

FINCHButMissPilkingtonisnotmysecretary.

BIGGLEY

Oh,yes.Goodpoint.

(CrossesL.belowFINCH.,startingoff.FINCHcounterstoR.ofC.BRATTandOVINGTONenterfrornanteroomD.L)

BRATT

Wefiguredyoumightbehere,J.B.We'vebeenwaitingforyou.

OVINGTON

(CrossesD.L.ofBIGGLEY,)Ihaven'tfinishedmyspeechyet.

BIGGLEYYoumadeafinespeech.

FINCH

Yes,youdid,Mr.Ovington.Verygoodspeech.

(CrossesL.)

BRATTOvington,thisisMr.FinchofPlansandSystems.

FINCHHowdoyoudo,Mr.Ovington.

OVINGTONHowdoyoudo?

(HeandFINCHshakehands.)

FINCH

Ididn'tgetachancetotellyouattheparty,Mr.OvingtonbutI'mveryinterestedinadvertisingandI'vereadalotaboutyouinFortuneMagazine.Somewonderfulstuff.

OVINGTONThankyou.

Page 90: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­87­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHBytheway,Mr.Biggley,didyouknowthatMr.OvingtonwasanAll‐Americanhalfbackatcollege?

(CrossesR.)

BIGGLEYIsthatso?Wheredidyouplay,Ovington?

OVINGTON

Thegreatestlittlecollegeintheworld‐NorthernState.

BIGGLEY

(HeandFINCHexchangeglances)Achipmunk!

(CrossesIttoFINCH,butkeepslookingatOVINCTON.FINCHlooksfrontandsmiles.)

OVINGTONIsureamaChipmunk.DidyouseethewaywemurderedtheGroundhogslastSaturday?

BIGGLEYOvington,I'mnotabigot.I'vehiredmenfromallcolleges‐Tigers,Bulldogs,Trojans,Gophers,Badgers‐butnever,neveraChipmunk!

(BRATTcrossesR.toOVINGTON,takesoutapenandresignationformfrompocketandoffersittoOVINGTONtosign.)

Yourresignationisaccepted.

(OVINGTONsignsresignation.BIGGLEYandFINCHsing:)#19–RipTheChipmunk(Biggley,Finch)

BIGGLEY&FINCH

RIP!RRR‐RIP!RRR‐RIPTHECHIPMUNKOFFTHEFIELD.

(OVINGTONstartsoffL.,stops,turns.)

OVINGTON

CHIPMUNKRAH,CHIPMUNKRAH,CHIPCHIPCHIPCHIPCHIPMUNK!

(HeexitsL.throughanteroomandoff)

BIGGLEY(CrossesD.C.)Thatwasanarrowsqueak.

Page 91: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­88­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHItwasabigshocktome.

BIGGLEYFinch,it'sagoodthingyou'reontheballwhenitcomestoadvertising.

BRATT

(CrossesR.toBIGGLEY)Say,J.B.,whatarewegoingtodoforanewadvertisingmanager?

BIGGLEYFinch,maybeit'sFatethatyouhappentobehereatthisverymoment.

(CrossesR.toFINCH.)You'vealwayswantedthisrottenjob.Doyouthinkyoucouldhandleit?

FINCH

(CrossesR.twosteps)

Idon'tknow,sir.

BIGGLEY

(ToBRATT)Ifthere'sonethingIadmireina,man,it'shumility.

(BRATTlooksaway.ToFINCH.)Finch,I'mmakingyouvicepresidentinchargeofadvertising.

FINCH

Me?Avicepresident.?BRATT

J.B.,Idon'twanttoquestionyourdecision.Finchisverybright,buthe'sratherinexperiencedand...

BIGGLEYIlikehim.

BRATTIlikehim.

(Throwsuphandsinresignation.)

BIGGLEY

Ithinkwe'vehitonsomethinghere,Bratt.Thisboyisloadedwithgreatideas.

BRATTIdeas?Tellussomeofthem,Finch.

FINCH

Well,Ihaven'thadtimetofigurethem...

Page 92: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­89­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY(Quicklycuttingin)

Comeon,Finch.

(CrossesoneStepR.)Wherearethoseideas?

FINCHWell,sir,I...

BIGGLEYPutuporshutup,son.

FINCHWell,thethingis

BIGGLEY

Getontheballoryou'llbeoutofherelikeashot.

FINCHBut,sir,I'dliketobeabletogiveyouaclear‐cutcampaign

BRATT(CrossingIttoFINCH)

Say,J.B.,thePlansBoardismeetingdayaftertomorrow.Finchcantellusa!!hisideasthen.

BIGGLEYFine.Finch,you'vegotforty‐eighthourstomakeanadvertisingpresentation.

(StartsoffL.withBRATT,stopsandturnstoFINCH.)

Bettergetgoing,Finch.You'renowavicepresidentinfullchargeofadvertisingand,frankly,uptonowI'mprettydissatisfiedwithyourwork.

(HeandBRATTexitL.)FINCH

Idon'tcarewhathappens.I'mavicepresident.VicePresidentFinch.

(CrossesU.L.todesk,picksupphone.)

Hello,getmethestationeryshopdownstairs.Hello,thisisMr.Finch.RememberthosecardsIspoketoyouaboutlastweek?Goaheadandprintthemrightaway.

(Hangsup.)Nowlet'sseewhat.

(Suddenlyremembersgirls,calls.)Oh,girls,youcancomeoutnow.

(HEDYandROSEMARYcomeout.HEDYisnowbackinherParisoriginaldress.)

HEDYThanks,Rosemary.

(CrossesL.abovedesk,startingoff)

Page 93: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­90­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(CrossesFL)

Rosemary,I'vegotasurpriseforyou.I'vebeenmadeavicepresident.

HEDY(stops)

Congratulations.CanIbeyoursecretary?

FINCHGee,I'dlovethat,Hedy,butRosemaryisgoingtobemysecretary.

(ROSEMARYturnsherbacktoFINCH.)

HEDYI'llgobacktothestenopool.

(SitegoesL.,stopsinanteroom.)GuessI'llwaitforthatpigeontillafterhe'smarried.

(SheexitsofL.)FINCH

(CrossesFL,tapsROSEMARYonshoulder)

Rosemary?

ROSEMARY(Stillturnedaway)

I'mgoingtobeyoursecretary?

(Turnstohim.)FINCH

Sure.YouwereMr.Ovington'ssecretary...

(CrossesL.)...andnowI'mtakingoverhiswholedepartment.

ROSEMARY

(CrossesL.tohim)AndwhatmakesyouthinkI'dbeyoursecretary.I'dratherdie.

FINCHRosemary,youmust.Youhaveto.I'minchargeofadvertisingnow.Youknowwhatatoughjobthatis.IcanonlydoitifIhaveyourhelp.Rosemary,Ineedyou.

ROSEMARYYoudo?

(FINCHnodsyes.Shethinksforamoment.)Well,inthatcase...Allright,I'llbeyoursecretary.

Page 94: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­91­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHWonderful.Nowlet'sgettowork.

(StartsoffL.)

ROSEMARYJustlikethat?Haven'tyouforgottensomething?

FINCH

Oh,yeah.

(Stops,crossesbacktodesk,picksUpphone.)Hello,operator.Whopaintsnamesonofficedoors?

ROSEMARYFinch,aren'tyougoingtokissme?

FINCHKissYou?Ican't.

ROSEMARYWhynot?

FINCHYou'remysecretary.Waitaminute,Rosemary.

(Intophone.)Hello,namepainter?#20–FinaleActOne(Rosemary,Finch,Bud)

(ROSEMARYturnsfront.)

ROSEMARY"Waitaminute,Rosemary.Hello,namepainter?"

(BUDentersD.L.,opensdoorandsticksheadintoofficetoeavesdrop.)

FINCHThisisMr.Finch.Iwantmynameonmydooringoldleaf.

BUDOh!

(Collapses,holdingontodoor)

FINCHJ.PIERREPONTFINCHJ.PIERREPONT!

ROSEMARYSUDDENLYTHEREISMUSIC

FINCHALLCAPITALS!

Page 95: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­92­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARY

INTHESOUNDOFMYNAME…

FINCH

YES,BLOCKLETTERS!JAYPIERREPONT!

FINCH ROSEMARY BUD

ROSEMARY (BydoorD.L.)

(CrossesR.)

VICEPRESIDENT VICEPRESIDENT!INCHARGEOF THEREMUSTBEA

WAYADVERTISING ROSEMARY… TOSTOPHIM,F‐I‐N‐C‐H. THEREMUSTBE!

THEREMUST! ALLOFMYLIFETIME PROGRAMWILLBE THEUSUALSPELLING… MOREOFTHESAME. JAYPIERREPONT… JAYPIERREPONT JAYPIERREPONT (Hangsupphone.) REMEMBERME, (CrossesU.R.) ROSEMARY… ICAN'TSTANDIT.

BOY,WHENYOU WHATEVERSEEITONYOUR HAPPENEDTO (Sits.)(Rises.)

OWNDOOR ROSEMARY?THEREIS THEREIS

(CrossesD.R.)

WONDERFULMUSIC WONDERFULMUSICINTHEVERY INTHEVERY IWILLRETURN!SOUNDOFYOURNAME. SOUNDOFYOURNAME. IWILLRETURN!

ENDOFACTONE

Page 96: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­93­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#21–Entr’acte(Orchestra)

ACTTWOSceneI#22–OpeningAct2(Orchestra)

(THEOUTEROFFICE.AlloftheOFFICEGIRLS,izcltit1iiigSMITTY,aresittingaround,gossiping.BUDFRUMPisstandingL.ofC.belowrowofdesks,crossesR.toTACKABERRY)'whoisstandingR.ofC.withTOYNBEE.Hewhisperssomethingtothem,theyexitR.BRATTenters(J.R.fromtheexecutivesuite,crossesDR.ofC.BUDturns,crossesL.tohimandwhisperssomethingtohim.BRATTcrossesL.andsits.JENKINSentersL.,BUDcrossestohimstoppinghimL.ofC.andwhisperstohim.TheGIRLSU.S.havebeenobservingtheabovebusiness.SMITTY,C.,crossesR.toMISSKRUMHOLTZ.TheybothcrossD.,observingFrumpandJenkinsstageR.)

SMITTYThere'ssurealotofwhisperinggoingontoday.

MISSKRUMHOLTZIt'stheMerchandiseMafiaatwork.

(BUDandJENKINSexitL.)EversinceFinchbecameavicepresident,they'veallbeenscaredoutoftheirwits.When'sthebigmeeting.?

SMITTYIt'ssetforthisafternoon.IhopePontycomesupwithsomething.

(ROSEMARYentersU.R.fromtheexecutivesuite.Sheisdressedfordeparture:hat,bag,etc.SMITTYcrossestoher.MISSKRUMHOLTZcrossesU.tothegirlsatthedesks.)

Whereareyougoing?

ROSEMARY(C.)

Home.

SMITTYAtteno'clockinthemorning?

ROSEMARYI'veresigned.I'mquitting.

SMITTYNonsense.You'vebeenthreateningthatallweek.

ROSEMARYThistimeit'sofficial.

(CrossesR.)Ileftaletterofresignationonhisdesk.Waittillhereadsit.

Page 97: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­94­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SMITTY(CrossesR.)

But,uh

ROSEMARYSmitty,Ijustcan'ttakeitanymore.Idon'tmindapersonignoringmecompletelyaslongashepaysalittleattention.

(CrossesR.)Smitty,hedoesn'tneedme.

SMITTY

(CrossesR.)Hedidtellyouhelovedyouandthathewantedtomarryyou.

(THREEGIRLSdriftdowntoheartheconversation.)

ROSEMARYSssshh,Smitty,thatwassupposedtobeasecret.

SMITTYOh,don'tworry.Ihaven'ttoldanybody.

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

(L.ofSMITTY)What'sthematter?

SMITTYRosemaryisresigningfromFinch.

FIRSTGIRL

(L.ofMISSKRUMHOLTZ)ButIthoughthewasgoingtomarryher.

SECONDGIRL(L.ofFIRSTGIRL)

That'swhatIthought.

MISSKRUMHOLTZMe,too.

(SMITTYcrossesL.,tryingtoshushtheGIRLSasROSEMARYcrossesL.toSMJTTY,looksatheraccusingly.)

SMITTY

(Apologetically)Ionlytoldthegirls.

(ToGIRLS.)Don'tworry.Shewillforgivehim.

Page 98: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­95­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARYNever!

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

(TakesROSEMARYU.S.toseconddeskfromC.)

SMITTY

(CrossesU.toL.ofROSEMARY)Look,Rosemary,there'sonethingyoucan'toverlook‐that'sloyalty.

ROSEMARYI'vebeenveryloyaltohim.

SMITTYIdon'tmeantohim.Imeantous...usgirls.

GIRLSThat'sright.Sure.Uhhuh.Etc.#23–Cinderella,Darling(Smitty,Rosemary,Girls)

SMITTYHOWOFTENDOESITHAPPENTHATASECRETARY'SBOSSWANTSTOMARRY'ER?

GIRLS

HALLELUJAH!SMITTY

HOWOFTENDOESTHEDREAMCOMETRUE

WITHOUTASIGNOFCONFLICTORBARRIER?

GIRLS

HALLELUJAH!

SMITTYWHYTREATAMANLIKEHEWASATYPHOIDCARRIER?HOWOFTENCANYOUFLYFROMTHJLANDOFCARBONPAPER

(FOURGIRLScrossD.L.)

TOTHELANDOFFLOWER'DCHINTZ?

GIRLSHALLELUJAH!

SMITTY

HOWOFTENDOESACINDERELLAGETACRACKATTHEPRINCE?

Page 99: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­96­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

GIRLS

CINDERELLAANDTHEPRINCE!

ROSEMARY

Cinderella?Wait,aminute.I'mnoCinderella.I'vegoteighty‐fivedollarsinthebankandasavingsbond.

SMITTY

It'notamatterofmoney.He'savicepresident.Thatmakeshimautomaticallyaprince.True?

GIRLSTrue?

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

So,you'reautomaticallyaCinderella.

AGIRLSee?

(ShoveswastepaperbasketonROSEMARY'sfootasaglassslipper.)

SMITTYDon'tyourealize...

(Sings)YOU'REAREAL,LIVEFAIRYTALE;ASYMBOLDIVINE.SO,IFNOTFORYOUROWNSAKE,PLEASE,DARLING,FORMINE.

GIRLSANDMINE,ANDMINE,ANDMINE.DON'T,DON'T,DON'T,CINDERELLA,DARLING,DON'TTURNDOWNTHEPRINCE!

SMITTY

DON'TREWRITEYOURSTORY;

(CrossesD.L.)

YOU'RETHELEGEND,THEFOLKLORE,THEWORKINGGIRL'SDREAMOFGLORY!

(ROSEMARYcrossesD.C.GIRLSgatheraround.) ALLWEWERERAISEDONYOU,DARLING,

ANDWE'VELOVEDYOUEVERSINCE.(Theybackaway.)

Page 100: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­97­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ALLDON'TMESSUPAMAJORMIRACLE,

DON'T,CINDERELLA,(TheyallcrosstoROSEMARY)

DON'TTURNDOWNTHEPRINCF.(GIRLtakeswastebasketoffherfoot.)

SMITTYOH,LETUSLIVEITWITHYOUEACHHOUROFEACHDAY.

FIRSTGIRL

ONFROMBERGDORFGOODMAN...

SECONDGIRL

TOELIZABETHARDEN

THIRDGIRLINTHESTATIONWAGON...

FOURTHGIRL

HURRYFROMTWENTY‐ONE...

FIFTHGIRLTOTHETARRYTOWNP.T.A.

ROSEMARY

No.NewRochelle!

GIRLSNEWROCHELLEP.T.A.,PLEASE!

SMITTYOH,DONOTLEAVEUSMINUS,

GIRLS

PLEASE!

SMITTYOURVICARIOUSBONUS,

GIRLS

PLEASE!

(DANCERtakesboxoftissuesfromdesk,crossesD.andplacesatissueonROSEMARY'Shead.ANOTHERDANCER.foldspieceofpaperasflowerbouquet,handsittoROSEMARY)

SMITTYWEWANTTOSEEHISHIGHNESS

GIRLS

PLEASE!

Page 101: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­98­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SMITTYMARRIEDTOYOURLOWNESS.

(ALLkneel)

GIRLS

AH

SMITTY

ONYOU,CINDERELLA,SITSTHEONUS,

GIRLSAH

SMITTY

SOWHENYOUNAMETHEHAPPYDAY,PLEASEPHONEUS,

(Theyrise.)

ALLPHONEUS!BUTDON'T,DON'T,DON'T,CINDERELLA,DARLING,DON'TTURNDOWNTHEPRINCE.

(CrossU.L)

SMITTYWHYSPOILOURENJOYMENT;YOU'RETHEFABLE,THESYMBOLOFGLORIFIEDUNEMPLOYMENT!

(TheylineuponeithersideofROSEMARY.)

ALLWEWERERAISEDONYOU,DARLING,

(ALLcloseinandhugher.)

ANDWE'VELOVEDYOUEVERSINCE.DON'TLOUSEUPOURFAV'RITEFAIRYTALE;DON'T,CINDERELLA,

(ALLbackaway.)DON'T,DON'T,DON'T;DON'T,CINDERELLA,DON'T,DON'T,DON'T;DON'T,.CINDERELLA,DON'T!DON'TTURNDOWNTHEPRINCE!

ROSEMARY

AllrightI'llgivehimonemorechance.

Page 102: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­99­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ALLHALLELUJAH!

Scene2

(FINCH'SNEWADVERTISINGOFFICE.OnriseanoverhangingspeciallightpicksFINCHupathisdesk.FINCHisreadingthebook.)

BOOKVOICE

Soyouarenowavicepresident.Youhaveclimbedtheladderofsuccessrung,bypainfulrung,untilyouhavealmostreachedthetop.Youhavedonebeautifully.Unlessyouarevicepresidentinchargeofadvertising.Inthatcaseyouareinterribletrouble.Thereisonlyonethingthatcansaveyou.Youmustgetabrilliantidea.Thequickestwaytogetideasistodevelopthem.Thatis,youmustexaminetheundeveloped,worthlessnotionsofothersandaddtothemthatextrasomethingthatmakestheideayourown.Anundevelopednotionmaycomefromtheleastlikelysource.Bealert!Youneverknowwhowillbringittoyou.

(BUDentersL.)

BUDHi,Ponty.

FINCHHello,Bud.

(Rises.)BUD

SorryIbustedin,buttherewasnooneoutside.

(Lookingaround,crossesittoFINCH'Sdesk.)FirsttimeI'veseenyournewoffice.

(PeeksatwhatisonPINCH'Sdesk.FINCHquicklyturnsoverpapers.)Quitealayout.Myfavorite.style‐ChineseProvincial.

(CrossesL.,Sits.)Isupposeyou'rewonderingwhyI'mhere.

FINCH

(CrossesD.R.ofdesk)Frankly,yes.

BUD (Rises,crossesit)Ponty,Iwantyouandmetobefriends.Youknow,smokumpeacepipe.You'veneverlikedme.

FINCH(CrossesL.towardsBUD)

Oh,Bud…

Page 103: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­100­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUDDon'tdenyit.Itstrue,andIdon'tblameyou.I'vebeenano‐goodback‐bitingfink.

FINCH

Oh,Bud,that'sabitstrong.BUD

Howwouldyouputit?

FINCHIguessyourwayisbest.

BUDWellI'dliketochangeallthat.

(CrossesittoFINCH.)NowIknowyou'restuckforanidea,andIwasthinking...

FINCH

Nowwaitaminute,Bud.Iamnotstuck.BUD

(Goingon)Iwasthinkingthatgive‐awayshowsaregoingtocomebackand...

FINCH

Idon'tneedanyoneelse'sideasand...

(Suddentake.)Whatwasthat?

BUD (Verycasual)Well,Ihavethisideaforagive‐awayprogram.It'scalledtheWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.Wehideathousanddollarsavingsbondsomewhereandeveryweekontelevisionwegivecluesastowhereitis.

(PutsscriptintoFINCH'Shands.)Look,asyousay,youdon'tneedanidea,butletmeleavethiswithyouandifyougetachance,lookitover.Becausethemeeting'sinafewlittlewhile.Imeanit'ssoon.

(Drawsfingeracrossthroat.StartsoffL.)

FINCHUh,Bud

(BUDstops.)

Whatdidyourunclesaywhenyoutoldhimaboutthis?

BUD

Ihaven'ttoldittohim,Ponty.IfIbroughtittohim,hewouldn'tlisten.That'sIbroughtittoyou.

Page 104: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­101­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

Youhaven'ttoldittoyouruncle?BUD

No,Ponty.

(CrossesR.toFINCH,reachesformanuscript.)Look.if you’renotinterested…

FINCH(Keepingscript)

Well,Bud,theideadoesn'tgivememuchnourishmentbutmaybeI'llgiveitabitofathink‐think.

BUDFeelfreetouseit.

(HestartsL.,stopsandsings.)#24–IHaveReturned(Bud)

(BUD)

IHAVERETURNED. (HegoesL.)

FINCH

(Leftalone,looksatmanuscriptcarefully,crossesabovedesk)Treasurehunt.Couldbe.Athousanddollarbond.Thisthingneedssomekindofanewtwist.(ROSEMARYentersL.)

ROSEMARY

Ponty,I'mback.Ichangedmymind.

(CrossesR.toR.ofC.)

FINCH(Stilllostinthought)

Oh,MissPilkington.

ROSEMARY

(CrossesR.todesk)Idon'tblameyouforbeingcoldtome.ButIdidchangemymind.

FINCH(Crossesbackabovedesk,stillpreoccupiedwithmanuscript)

Aboutwhat?

Page 105: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­102­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROSEMARY

AboutwhatIsaidintheletter.

FINCHWhatletter?

ROSEMARYMyletterofresignation.

FINCHYourresignationfromwhat?

ROSEMARYTheGirlScoutsofAmerica.

FINCHOh.

ROSEMARYDon'tyouunderstand?

(Shepicksupletterofresignationfromdesk,showsittohimslamsitdown,thencrossesL.bysettee.)

I'vequit,resigned,leftyouforever!

FINCHWhyareyoudoingthat?

ROSEMARY(Yelling)

BecauseIwas.hurt,humiliated,ignored,upset!

FINCH(Startled)

Whodidthattoyou?

ROSEMARYYou.

FINCH

Me.Itcouldn'thavebeenme.Ihaven'tsaidtenwordstoyouallweek.

(ROSEMARYstaresathim.)True?

ROSEMARYTrue.(Shesitsonsettee.)

FINCHGood.Nowlisten,MissPilkington.

ROSEMARYMustyoucallmethat?Can'tyoucallmeRosemary?

Page 106: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­103­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHNo.AndIwantyoutocallmeMr.Finch,untilyou'reMrs.Finch.

ROSEMARY(Dreamysmile)

AmIreallygoingtobe.Mrs.Finch?

FINCH(CrossesL.belowdesktohe,)

Oh,comeon.Ithoughtthatwasallsettled.

ROSEMARYIkeepthinkingmaybeyouforgot.

FINCHWell,Ihaven't.You'regoingtobeMrs.Finchbecausewe'regoingtobemarried.Now,maywediscusssomeseriousmatters?

ROSEMARYOh,sure.

FINCHMissPilkington,IhavesomethingIwantyoutohear.

(Crossesitabovedesk.)Ihavefinallycomeupwithanewideaforatelevisionprogram.I'mthinkingofcallingittheWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.

(CrossestoC.)Theprizewouldbeathousanddollarbond.Doyouthinkthat'senough?

(ROSEMARYlooksathimraptly,doesn'tanswer.FINCHcrossesL.toher.)Maybeweoughttomakethattwenty‐fivethousanddollars.Listencarefully,Rosemary.

(CrossestoC.)Whatwouldyousayifwegaveawayahundredthousanddollars?

(Shedoesn'tanswer.Hecrossestoheratsettee.)Twohundredthousand?

ROSEMARYIdon'tcareifyougiveawaythewholecompany.Iloveyou.

FINCH(Staresather,thenlooksfrontwithahappysmileonhisfaces)Saythatagain.

ROSEMARYIloveyou.

Page 107: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­104­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

No,beforethat.

ROSEMARY(Puzzled)

IsaidIdon'tcareifyougiveawaythewholecompany.

FINCH

(CrossesR.)That'sit!We'llgiveawaythecompany.Whataprize!Oh,Idon'tmeanthewholecompany.

(CrossesR.belowdesk.)Imeanstock.Inthecompany.Nobodycouldresistthatthesedays.I'vegottohavetimetoworkthisout.I'vegottospeaktoMr.Biggley.

(Hepicksupphone.ROSEMARYrises,crossestohim.)He'sgottogivemeapostponement.

(Hangsup.)No,I'llgoseehim.

ROSEMARY

Goodluck,Mr.Finch.

FINCH

Thankyou,MissPilkington.

(HestartsoffL.)

ROSEMARY

Say

(Hestopsandlooksather.)Whatabouttakingmetolunch?Nobodyhastoseeus.

FINCH(Reprovingly)

MissPilkington.

ROSEMARY(Withasmile)

I'msorryMr.Finch.

Page 108: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­105­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#25–HappytoKeepHisDinnerWarm(Reprise)(Rosemary)

(HeexitsL.)

ROSEMARY

OH,TOBELOVEDBYAMANWITHAGOAL,TOWATCHASHECLIMBSWITHAPURPOSEINLIFEANDPURITYOFSOUL.OH,TOBETHEREINACORNEROFHISMIND;DARLING,ABSENTMIND...SUCHHEAVEN

(CrossesL.tosettee.)

WEARINGTHEWIFELYUNIFORMWHILEHEGOESONWARDANDUPWARD.

(Sitsonsettee.)HAPPYTOKEEPHISDINNERWARMTILLHECOMESWEARILYHOMEFROMDOWNTOWN.

(Ridesoffonsettee.)

#25a–Knitorama(Orchestra)

Scene3

(BIGGLEY'SOFFICE.BIGGLEYissittingatdesk,knitting.HEDYentersfromL.,headsfordoortoinneroffice.Shegoesin,goestoBIGGLEY,staresatFilmsandattheknitting.)

HEDY

(L.ofBIGGLEY)

Areyoupregnantorsomething?

BIGGLEY

(Startled,dropsknitting,rises)Huh?Oh,Iwasjustub...uh...checkingonsomenewplasticyarn...Hedy,Itoldyouneverto...

(BUDhaswalkedinbehindHEDY.BIGGLEYsuddenlyseeshim.)Whatthehelldoyouwant?

(HEDYcrossesU.S.toC.,looksoutwindow.)

BUD

J.B.,yourememberthattelevisionideaIoncetoldyouabout...thetreasurehunt?

Page 109: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­106­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY(CrossesL.toBUD)

ItoldyouwhatIthoughtofthattreasurehunt.

BUD

Ijustwantedtoremindyouthatyoudidn'tlikeit.

(HeexitsL.BIGGLEYopensdoor,looksaround.1­IEDYcrossesD.R.,waitingimpatiently.BIGGLEYclosesdoor,crossesDR.belowdesktoHEDY.)

BIGGLEY

Darling,I'vetoldyouthatduringofficehoursIcan'tmeetwithyou.

HEDY

Ididnotintendtoembarrassyou.Ijustcameforabusinesspurpose.

BIGGLEY

Business?HEDY

Iwishtotenderyouwithmyresignation.

BIGGLEYYourresignation?Whatareyougoingtodo?

HEDY

I'monmywaytoLosAngeles.I'vebeenofferedaverysuitablepositionthere.

BIGGLEYLosAngeles?Hedy,youcan't.Tellmewhatthisisallabout.

HEDYIjustgotaletterfromagirlfriend.She'sworkingforabigcosmeticfirmoutthere.Shedemonstratesskincreams

BIGGLEY(Horrified)

Skincream

HEDYYes.Inallthosebigglamorousdepartmentstores.Andshecangetmeajob.

BIGGLEYThat'sundignified.Youcan'trunarounddemonstratingsomefakegoo.

HEDY(Indignant)

Itisnotafake.It'saveryfineskincreamcalledDermoblast.Doyouknowwhatit'smadefrom?

BIGGLEYPlease,don'ttellme.

HEDYIt'smadefromsharkbellyjelly.

Page 110: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­107­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEYIwasafraidofthat.Yousaidyouwantedacareer.Whatkindofafutureisthereinsharkbellies?

HEDYMorethanthereisaroundhere.Notasingleguyaroundherewillusemeashissecretary.

(CrossesR.)TheystayawayfrommelikeIhadanextremelytropicaldisease.

BIGGLEYHedy,ifyoucouldjustbepatient.

HEDYNo.I'vemadeupmymind.Bonvoyage.

(ShestartsOffL.)

BIGGLEYWell,goodluck,dear.

(SitsinchairC.)

HEDY

(Stops,turns)Huh?

BIGGLEYI'llmanagesomehow.OnlyhowwillIspendthoselonelynights?

HEDYYoucouldstayhome.

BIGGLEYIcan'tstayhome.I'mamarriedman

HEDYOh,you'lldoallright.

BIGGLEYHedy,Ican'tlivewithoutyou.

HEDY

(CrossesR.toBIGGLEY)Youmeanthat?

BIGGLEY

(Rises,crossesD.C.)OfcourseIdo.IknowIseemtohaveeverything.OldrichJ.B.Biggley.OldMoneybags.Peoplecometomewithtreasurehunts.Mydayisspenttalkingmoney.Andwhatdoesitallmean?Nothing.Hedy,nothingmeansanythingwithoutyou.

Page 111: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­108­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#26–LoveFromAHeartOfGold(Biggley,Hedy)

HEDY

(CrossesD.C.tohisL.)Nowwaitaminute.Don'tstartgettingsincere.That'snotfair.

BIGGLEYWHEREWILLIFINDATREASURELIKETHELOVEFROMAHEARTOFGOLD;

(ReachesoverandholdsHEDY'Shand.)

EVERTRUSTINGANDSWEET,ANDAWAITINGMYPLEASURE;(Letsgoofherhand.)

RAINORSHINE…HOTORCOLD…WEALTHFARBEYONDALLMEASURE,MAYBEHEREINMYHANDSIHOLD.

(HEDYturnsU.S.,takesouthandkerchief)

AH,BUTWHEREWILLIFINDTHATONETREASUREOFTREASURES,THELOVEFROMAHEARTOFGOLD.

HEDY(Sheturnstohim)Ineverknewyoufeltthatway.

BIGGLEYNooneknowsthis,butI'mextremelyemotional.

HEDYGoddammit,soamI.

WHEREWILLIFINDATREASURELIKETHELOVEFROMAHEARTOFGOLD;EVERTRUSTINGANDSWEETANDAWAITINGMYPLEASURE;RAINORSHINE

BIGGLEY

RAINORSHINEHEDY

HOTORCOLD BIGGLEY

HOTORCOLD HEDY

WEALTHFARBEYONDALLMEASURE,MAYBESOONINMYHANDSI'LLHOLD.

Page 112: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­109­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(HEDY)

AH,BUTWHEREIFINDTHATONETREASUREOFTREASURES,

(BIGGLEYpince‐nezdropsoff)

BOTHTHELOVEFROMAHEARTOFGOLD.

BIGGLEY

(Headtohead)Iknewyou'dunderstand.

HEDY

Oh,Ido,Ido.Youknow,Ihaveanideathatmightsolveeverything.

BIGGLEYWhat?

HEDYWhydon'tIbeyoursecretary?

BIGGLEY

You'reoutofyourmind.Imean,IhaveMissJones.

(CrossesL.,sitsdown.ShefollowsuptohisL.)

HEDY

IcouldassistMissJones.Icouldlearnalotfromher.

BIGGLEYHmnmmmmm.

HEDY

(WalkingquicklytodoorL.andopeningit)Youdon'twantmeasyoursecretary.

(FINCHentersstageL.Hestopsbelowdoorandhearsthatsomethingprivateisgoingon.)

BIGGLEY(Rises,stopsher)

Wait,Hedyjustbepatient.

HEDY(Verysweetly)

Allright,dear.I'llbepatient.

(Changestone.)I'llgiveyoutwenty‐fourhours.Afterthatit'sgoodbyeWickets,Hello,Dermoblast.

(Exitsthroughdoor.)

BIGGLEYBut,Hedy.

Page 113: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­110­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(Heslumpsinhischair,turnsitU.S.TRAVELERCLOSES.HEDYcrossesD.andseesFINCH,whohascrossedL.ofC.)

HEDYHi,Finchy.

(CrossesR.tohim.)Ishouldbeveryangrywithyou,Cutie‐Pie.

(Pincheshischeek)FINCH

Hello,Hedy.Where'sMissJones?IwantedtoseeMr.Biggley.

HEDYHe'snotdoinganything.Youcangoin.

(StartsoffR,crossingbelowFINCH.)

FINCHSay,Hedy

(Shestops.)Areyouquitting?

HEDYUnlessIhearotherwisetothecontrary.

FINCH(CrossestoHEDY)

Maybewecanhelpeachother.

HEDYGood.Let'sbustouttogether.

FINCHI'vegotadifferentidea.Hedy,I'dliketotalktoyoualone.Let'ssee,wherecouldwego?

HEDYLet'sgotomyplace.

FINCHThisisbusiness.

HEDYOkay,thenlet'sgotoyourplace.

FINCHUh….

HEDY

Tellyouwhat,takemeoutandbuymelunch.Whataboutoneo'clock?Meetyoudownstairs.

FINCHWell.I

HEDYDoyouwanttotalkordon'tyou?

Page 114: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­111­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(Afterapause)

Okay.Butwe'dbettermeetaroundthecorner.

HEDY(StartsoffL.)

Gotcha,cutie!Chicken...!

(SheexitsL.asFINCHstartsforBIGGLEY'officecool')#26a–TheLunchDate(Orchestra)

Scene4

(MEN'SWASHROOMOFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANYThereisarowofninesinksD.S.andfrarnesrepresentingmirrors.BRATT,atthirdsinkfromL.,andDAVIS,atthirdsinkfromR.,arewashingtheirhandsatsinks.PhoneU.S.L.wallRINGStwice.BRATTshakeswateroffhishands,goestophone,picksitup.)

BRATT

(Atphone)

Hello,executivewashroom.Yeah,I'mdownhere.What?Themeeting'satfour‐thirty.Comeondown.We'llmakeplans.

(Hangsup,goesbacktosink.TOYNBEEentersL.)

TOYNBEEBigmeeting'stoday,huh?

(CrossesU.andhangscoatonhookU.S.)

BRATT (Lookingatwatch)Yeah. (TACKABERRYentersL.,crossesR.JENKINSfollowshimon,crossestolastsinkL.)

TACKABERRY

HearanythingaboutwhatFinchisplanning?

(CrossesU.andhangscoatonhookU.S.)

BRATTJ.B.gavehimapostponement,SOhemusthavesomething.YOUknow,fellows,I'mreallybeginningtogetalittlescaredofFinch.

JENKINSMe,too.Ifwedon'tstophimprettysoon…

(Shakeshishead.)

Page 115: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­112­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT

He'llprobablyhaveusallworkinginthemailroom.

(BUDentersL.)

BUDHi,men.

(CrossesittoC.OTHERMENgreethim.)

TACKABERRYHearanything,Bud?

BUDChaps,ourworriesareover.Finchisgoingaheadwith...well,believeme,he'sdead‐dead‐dead.AndI'msohappyIcouldcry.

TACKABERRYThat'sverypleasantnews.

BRATTIdon'tknow.Finchhasawayofbouncing.Iwouldn'tbelievehewasdeadifIreadhisobituary.

BUD

(CrossesL.toBRATT)OrdinarilyI'dagreewithyou.Finchisverysmart.Butdon'tforgethe'snowinadvertising.Andthatdoessomethingtomen'sbrains.

(Suddenlystops,looksoffstageL.)Ohoh.

(CrossesR.tosecondsink,speakscasually.)HasanybodyseenmyWildrootCreamOil?

(FINCHentersL.,crossestoC.sink.MENhaveresumedwashing.)

FINCHHiyah,men.

BRATTAllsetforthebigmeeting?(BUDcrossesU.R.andhangsuphiscoat.JENKINScrossesU.L.andhangsuphiscoat.Theycrossbacktotheirrespectivesinks.)

FINCHCouldbe,couldbe,Wishmeluck,men.

ALLGoodluck.

Page 116: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­113­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#27–IBelieveinYou(Finch,Men)

MENGOTTASTOPTHATMAN,IGOTTASTOPTHATMANCOLD…ORHE'LLSTOPME.

(ALLsmileatFINCH.FINCHcrossesU.andhangshiscoatonhookU.C.)

BIGDEAL,BIGROCKET, THINKSHEHASTHEWORLDINHISPOCKET.

GOTTASTOP,GOTTASTOP,GOTTASTOPTHATMAN,THATMAN.(AllMENfadeU.S.FINCHcrossesD.toC.sink,looksathimselfinthemirrorfacingtheaudience.)

FINCHNOW,THEREYOUARE,YES,THERE'STHATFACE;THATFACETHATSOMEHOWITRUST.ITMAYEMBARRASSYOUTOHEARMESAYIT,BUTSAYITIMUST,SAYITIMUST!YOUHAVETHECOOLCLEAREYESOFASEEKEROFWISDOMANDTRUTH;YETTHERE'STHATUPTURNEDCHIN,ANDTHEGRINOFIMPETUOUSYOUTH.OH,IBELIEVEINYOU,IBELIEVEINYOU.

(CrossesL.)

IHEARTHESOUNDOFGOOD,SOLID(Picksupbarofsoap.)

JUDGMENTWHENEVERYOUTALK;YET,THERE'STHEBOLD,BRAVESPRINGOFTHETIGERTHATQUICKENSYOURWALK.

(CrossesIttoC.sink.)

OH,IBELIEVEINYOU,IBELIEVEINYOU.(Washeshands.)

ANDWHENMYFAITHINMYFELLOWMANALLBUTFALLSAPART;I'VEBUTTOFEELYOURHANDGRASPINGMINE,ANDITAKEHEART,ITAKEHEART…TOSEETHECOOLCLEAREYESOFA

(CrossesL.,picksuptowelfromlastsink.)

SEEKEROFWISDOMANDTRUTH;

Page 117: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­114­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(FINCH)(CrossesR.toC.sink.)

YET,WITHTHESLAM,BANG,TANGREMINISCENTOFGINANDVERMOUTH,OH,IBELIEVEINYOU,OH,IBELIEVEINYOU.

MEN(PuttingoncoatsU.S.)

GOTTASTOPTHATMAN,(MENcrossD.tosinks.)

GOTTASTOPTHATMAN(MENholdandfreezeforabeat.FINCHpicksupelectricrazorandbeginstoshave.)

ORHE'LLSTOPME.BIGWHEEL,BIGBEAVER,BOILINGHOTWITHFRONTOFFICEFEVER.GOTTASTOP,GOTTASTOP,GOTTASTOPTHATMAN.

(FINCHstopsshaving.)

FINCHOH,IBELIEVEINYOU,

MEN

DON'TLETHIMBESUCHAHERO.

FINCH

IBELIEVEINYOUMEN

STOPTHATMAN,COTTASTOPHIM,

FINCH

(Lookinginmirror)

YOUMEN

STOPTHATMAN,GOTTASTOPHIM,

FINCHYOU

MEN

STOPTHATMAN,GOTTASTOPTHATMAN!(ALLlookatFINCH.Afterapplause:)

GOTTASTOPTHATMAN,(ALLcrossL.towardlastsink.FINCHcrossesU.andgetscoat.).

I'VECOTTASTOPTHATMANCOLDORHE'LLSTOPME.

Page 118: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­115­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(MENexitL.)FINCH

(CrossesD.toC.sink)

IBELIEVEINYOU,(HewalksofL.)

IBELIEVEINYOU.

#27a–IntoBoardRoom(Orchestra)

Scene5

(THEBOARDROOM.InthedarkwehearBOOKVOICEoverthespeaker.)

BOOKVOICE

Thefarmerspendshistimeinthefields,thelaborerathismachine,andthebusinessmanatmeetings.

(LIGHTSdimuprevealingtheboardroom.WehearORGANMUSICplayingoffstage.Thereisalargetablewiththreecone­shapedchairsoneithersideandoneU.S.forBIGGLEY.Thereisabackdropcontainingvariouschartsandmaps.TACKABERRY,DAVIS,BUD,BRAVE,JENKINSandTOYNBEEenterfroinL.TACKABERRYandDAVIScrossandstandbehindtwoD.L.chairs.BUDcrossestothirdchair.,butBRATpusheshimasideandtakeshisplace.BUDcrossesabovetabletothefirstchairU.S.R.JENKlNSfollozvshim,pusheshimD.S.tothenextchair.TOYNBEE,behindJENKINS,pushesBUDtothelastandonlyremainingchairDR.Theyallremainstandingbehindchairs.Theatmosphereisthatofahushedcathedral.BIGGLEYentersL.carrying.afolder,crossestoU.S.C.chair.ThenhenodstotheMEN,hesits,theyfollowsuit.ORGANMUSICfadesout.)

BIGGLEY

Gentlemen.

(Lookingaround.)Where'sFinch?

BRATT

(SeatedL.ofBIGGLEY)Nothereyet,sir.

BIGGLEY

We'llstartwithouthim.WehavealotofotherbusinesstotakecareofbeforewecometoFinch'spresentation.

(Pulloutpapers.Theyallareveryattentive.Lookingatpaper:)Bratt…

Page 119: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­116­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT(Jumpstoattention)

Yes,J.B.?BIGGLEY

Thatstuffyourecommendedformycrabgrassdoesn'tworkatall.

BRATT

Ican'tunderstandit,J.B.Itworkedbeautifullyonmylawn.

BIGGLEY

Mylawnisamess.Bettercomeupwithsomethingnew.

BRATTRight,J.B.

BUD(SeatedD.R.)

Weneverhaveanytroublewithcrabgrassatourplace.

BIGGLEY

Whatdoyouuse?BUD

Cement.

(Theyalllookathim.)Sorry,J.B.Justalittlejoke.

BIGGLEY

Gentlemen,youwillexcusemynephew.It'sacombinationofyouth,highspiritsandextremestupidity....Now,let'ssee

(HisphoneBUZZES.Hepicksupphone.)Yes?Oh.We'vebeenwaitingforhim.Sendhimin.

(Hangsup.)It'sFinch.

(Theyalllookoffstageexpectantly.TwoOFFICEBoysenterL.carryinganeasel.TheycrossD.L.ofC.Thetitlechartreads"AFinchPresentation."FINCHfollowsfrom,L.,crossesU.toR.ofBIGGLEY.)

FINCH

(ToEXECUTIVES)Gentlemen,I'dliketopresentmynewapproachtoWicketadvertising.It'sbasedonanideawhich,inmyhumbleopinion,isbrilliant.

BIGGLEY

Soundspromising.Proceed,Finch.(FINCHclickscricket.MENremovetitlechart,disclosingapaintingofMountVesuvius.)Whatthehellisthat?

Page 120: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­117­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

ApictureofMountVesuvius,ineruption.ThatgivesYouanideaoftheimpactournewtelevisionshowisgoingtohave.Now,J.B.,anexample…

(Clickscricket.MENturndownpicture,revealcopyofCoverofTimewithBIGGLEYpictureonit.)

...ofthekindofnationalpublicityyoucanlookforward.

BUD(Seeingcoveroflime)

Oh,God!FINCH

ThecoverofTime.

(Clickscricket.MENdisclosecoverofNewsweekwithBIGGLEY’spictureonit.)ThecoverofNewsweek.

(Clickscricket.MENdisclosecoverofSportsillustratedwithBIGGLEYandhisgolfoutfit.)Andfinally,J.B.,theGolferoftheYear.

(EXECUTIVESreact.)BIGGLEY

VeryInteresting.FINCH

(Gettingdowntoseriousbusiness)Now

(MENdiscloselargemap.SECONDMANthenexitsD.L.topick.uptotoyrocketlaterinpresentation.)

Thisisamapofthepotentialwicketmarket,dividedintosocial,geographicandethnicgroups.Itshowshowwewillmakedeeppenetrationandoverwhelmingsaturationinthoseareaswhereresistancehaslongbeenpeakiest.

(FIRSTMANflipscard,revealingsaleschartwithredlinegoingsharplydownward.)

BIGGLEYIlikethisthinking.

FINCH(CrossesL.toeasel.)

Thankyou.Nowhereisasaleschartofthepastfiscalyear...

(CrossesR.totable.)…whichreflectsthedisastrouseffectourformeradvertisIngpolicyintermsofpercapitaconsumptionofwickets. (CrossesDL.Ofeasel)Notethesharpdeclinefromnormalregularity.Down,down,down.

Page 121: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­118­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(FINCHturnsL.,reachesintowings.MANhandshimtoyrocket.HecrossesR.totable,putsrocketdown.)

(FINCH)

Andthisiswhat'sgoingtohappentooursaleswhenwefinallygetgoing,aswewill.

(Releasestoyrocket,shootingitintotheair.)Up,up,up!

(CrossesD.L.ofeasel,turnssaleschartonsidesothatsaleslinecurvesupward)Andthereyouare.

(Heflipslastcardover.withtheaidoftheFIRSTOFFICEBOY,revealinganenlargedphotoofFINCH'sfacewiththewords"TheEnd"underneath.HethenshakeshandswiththeFIRSTOFFICEBOY,thencrossesU.LtoL.ofBIGGLEY.SECONDOFFICEBOYentersL.,crossestoeaselandBOTHMENexitwitheaselL.)

BIGGLEY

Finch,Ithinkyou'vedoneit.Verygood.

BUD(Rappingontable)

CouldIaskaquestion,J.B.?

(FINCHcrossesabovetabletoDR.ofBUD.)

BIGGLEYYes.

BUDWhatishisidea?

BIGGLEYYouheard.Atelevisionshowthatwillgiveuspenetrationandpeakreaction.Soundsgreat,Finch.Great!Doesn'tit,men?

MEN

Hmmmmm.

BUDButwhat'stheideafortheshow?

BIGGLEY

Idon'tseewhyyouhavetobesodamnednegative.Theonlythingsyouevercomeupwitharelousyideasliketreasurehunts.

(BUDturnstolookatFINCH.FINCHlooksathim.)Allright,Finch,whatistheideafortheshow?

FINCH

Idon'tthinkI'mgoingtotellittoyou.

(CrossesU.toR.ofBIGGLEY.)

Page 122: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­119­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEYWhatdoYoumean?

FINCH

Youknow,j.B.,i'vealwaysthoughtofyouasamanofbreadthandvisionopentonewideas.Butnowidon'tknow.I'mthrown

BIGGLEYBywhat?

FINCHThewayyoujustspoketoBudabouthit,;ideaforatreasurehunt.Youdismissedit.Thefactis,therearetreasurehuntsandtreasurehunts.WhenBudbroughtittome,Ithoughtitwasarottenidea,too.

(CrossesD.R.)

BIGGLEYIshouldhopeso.

FINCH

(CrossesL.toC.oftable)

ButthenIrememberedsomething.J.B.,youknowanideainitselfisnothing.It'sthedevelopmentthatcounts.LeonardodaVincidrewsomesketchesforaflyingmachine,butittookAmericanknow‐howtodevelopthemintotheBoeing707.

(CrossesU.L.ofBIGGLEY)AmannamedGatlingonceinventedalittlemachinegun,butittookamightybraintotakethissimplelittlemachinegunanddevelopitintoagreatprogramlike

(Slamstable.)"TheUntouchables."WhenIthoughtofthat,Bud'ssillylittleideabecameachallengetome,andIsaid,"I'mgoingtotakethisideaofBudFrump'sanddefrumpit.Firstorall,mytreasureisnotabond,andit'snotmoney.It'sstock.

MENStock!

FINCHFiftythousandsharesofstock.

BIGGLEYStock?Inourcompany?

FINCH

Thesedayspeoplelikestockbetterthanmoney.

BRATT

Howcanweissuefiftythousandextrasharesofstock? (MENreact.)

Page 123: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­120­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(TurnstoBRATT)

That'snoproblem.It'sasimplematteroftakingtheconvertibledebenturesfromthesinkingfund,issuingstockoptionswhichareexchangeableforrights,whichwethenconvertintononvotingcommonandreplacewithwarrants.

BRATTTellmethatagain.

FINCHIcan't.

JENKINSItcan'tbedone,J.B.

BIGGLEY

Itcan'tbedone.

FINCHButifitcould,wouldn'titcreateatremendousexcitement?

BIGGLEYButitcan'tbedone.

FINCHButifitcould.

BIGGLEYButitcan't.

FINCH

Butifitcould,J.B.,justforamomentsayitcouldbedone,what'syouranswer?

BIGGLEYIforgotthequestion.

BRATTYoucan'tgiveawaystock!

(MENreact.)FINCH

Wegiveawaystockdividends,don'twe?Please,letmegoonwithmypresentation.

(FINCHcrossesD.L.,callsoffstage.)We'reready.

BIGGLEYFinch,Ihategive‐awayshows.

FINCH

SodoI,J.B.Butthepublicalwayslovesthem.Itellyou,anybodywhocolliesupwithanewunrigged,unfixedwaytogiveawaysomethingfornothingisgoingtocleanup'AndIhavethatnewtwist.Gentlemen,theWorldWideWicketTreasureGirl.

Page 124: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­121­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(HEDYentersfromL.,crossestotablebelowFINCHSheisdressedinapiratecostumewhichisvery,veryabbreviated.Shehasapatchoveroneeye,andlooksgreat.MENreact.)

BIGGLEY

(Staring,rises)Whatisthis?

FINCH

(L.ofHEDY)This,J.B.,isthesecretingredient.Thethingthatwilltakethecountrybystorm.I'mcombininggreedandsex.Can'tmiss.Goahead,Hedy.

HEDY

(Verymuchlikeacigarettegirl)Hello,there.I'mtheWorldWideWicketTreasureGirl.EachweekI'mgoingtobringyouacluetowheretheWorldWidetreasurehasbeenstashed.

FINCHBuried.

HEDYOh,yeah.Buried.Thiseyepatchgetsmemixedup.

(CrossesU.L.ofBIGGLEY.)Isn'tthisacuteoutfit?Iloveit.

BIGGLEY

(Sits)Verynice,MissLaRue,verynice.

FINCH(CrossesU.toL.ofBRATT)Ofcourse,MissLaRueisjusthelpingmedemonstratetheidea.Shewon'tbeourregularTreasureGirl.

HEDY(Actingitup)

Naturally.

(Deepsigh.)FINCH

(CrossesD.toL.ofDAVIS)

Whenweactuallygoontheairweneedabignamepersonality.

HEDYOfCourse.

(Anothersigh.)

Page 125: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­122­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(HEDY)Well,I'mleavingthefirm,anyway.

(LeansoverBIGGLEY.)Ofcourse,Iwouldn'tif...

FINCH (D.L.Leapsin)Offhand,I'dsaythiswouldbegreatforsomeonelikeElizabethTaylor.

BUD

Whydon'tyougetQueenElizabeth?

FINCH (LeansacrosstabletoBUD)ThisisanAmericanprogram.Now,J.B.,abeautifulTreasureGirl,plusfiftythousandsharesofstockwill...

BRATT(Rises)

J.B.,let'stellthismaniacoffandgetonwithourbusiness.

(MENreact.)

BIGGLEY (Rises)Justamoment.I'llhandlethis.GentlemenandMissLaRue,willyoupleaseleavemealonewithMr.Finch.

BRATTOkay.Takecareofhim.

(MENandHEDYgetupandstartoffL.)Thisiscrazy!WhatabouttheS.E.C.?

TACKABERRY

(Exiting)WhatabouttheF.C.C.?

JENKINSWhataboutthestockholders?

TOYNBEEWhatabouttheboardofdirectors?

JENKINSWhatabouttheFederalstatutes.?

DAVISWhatabouttheFederalTradeCommission?

Page 126: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­123­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATTWhatabouttheSenateInvestigatingCommittee?

(TheyexitL.)FINCH

(CrossesU.L.ofBIGGLEY)They'reallbeingpetty.

BIGGLEYFinch...you'reabrilliantyoungchap,butI'mafraidyou'veletusdown.

(Sits.)

FINCH(Sits)

How,J.B.?

BIGGLEYYou'vemissedtheboat.Youhaven'tthoughtthisoutproperly.

FINCHIdon'tunderstand,J.B.

BIGGLEYTellme,whydoesthisTreasureGirlhavetobeabignamepersonality?

(FINCHturnsfrontandsmiles.)FINCH

Sir?

BIGGLEYHowwoulditbeifshewere...well...someonemore

FINCHMore

BIGGLEYMoreidentifiedwiththecompany.Areal,uh...

FINCHArealWorldWideWicketgirl.?

BIGGLEYYes.Maybe...

(Asifgettingabrilliantidea.)Say,whynotMissLaRueherself?

FINCH(Rises)

Brilliant,J.B.,brilliant!Insteadofanartificialactress,wehaveplain,simpleHedyLaRue,thegirlnextdoor.ThatwasagreatthoughtsJ.B.

Page 127: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­124­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEYItwasn'tbad,wasit?

FINCHThenit'sallsettled.

(CrossesD.)BIGGLEY

Justamoment.Finchwhereareyougoingtohidethetreasure?

FINCH (CrossesU.L.toBIGGLEY)J.B.,thisshowiscompletelyunrigged.NoteventheTreasureGirlisgoingtoknowwherethetreasureishidden.

BIGGLEYWell,I'dliketoknow.

FINCH

Okay.It'stobeasecretbetweenyouandme.I'llgiveyouthefirstcluethattheTreasureGirlisgoingtogiveovertheair."Westofthesun,westofthemoon,whereisthetreasure?Blowmeatune."

BIGGLEYWhatthehellisthat?

FINCH

Toughclue,isn'tit?Butifyouwillnote,thefirstlettersofeachlineareW.W.W.B.WorldWideWicketBuildings.

BIGGLEY(Rises)

You'regoingtouseourbuildings?

FINCHI'mgoingtohidefivethousandsharesofstockineachofthetenWorldWideWicketBuildingsthroughoutthecountry.We'llgettremendouspublicity.

BIGGLEYButyou'llhavemobsofpeoplerunningalloverthebuildings,lookingforthetrea5

FINCHJ.B.,ifamanasbrilliantandaseducatedasyou.couldn'tguessfromtheclueIgaveyou,doyouthinktheaverageviewerisgoingtoguess?

BIGGLEYGoodpoint.

FINCH(CallsoffL.)

Youcancomein,gentlemen.

(CrossesabovetabletoDR.)

Page 128: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­125­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(BRATTandMENwalkonandgothetheirplaces,standbehindthechairs.)

BIGGLEY

GetlemenI’mthinithgotgoingaheadwiththeWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.ofcourseIwantyourapproval.

BRATT

Well.J.B..Ithinkit'sanabsolutely.crazymotionand...

BIGGLEYIlikeit.

BRATTIlikeit'

MEN(Inunison)

Welikeit!#28–T.V.Announcement(Orchestra)

Scene6

(TELEVISIONSHOW.OnriseweseeatypicaltelevisionLogodisplaywhichisaglobeoftheworldwiththewords`WorldWideWickets"writtenarounditscircumference.TheANNOUNCER'sVOICEisheardavertheusualintroductionmusic.)

TVANNOUNCER

(Overspeaker)

TheWorldWideWicketCompany,whosesloganforoverorehundredyearshasbeen"WorldWideWickets…”

(Asmallpanelslipsdawnfrombehindlogowiththewords"ForAWiderWorldWrittenonit.)

“…ForAWiderWorld,"presents,inlivingcolor,intheinterofbettertelevisionProgramming,theWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.

(MALEDANCERSinpiratecostumeenterfromL.andR.AcutoutofapirateshipisU.S.BelowthatisahugeopentreasurechestwithFIVEGIRLDANCERShiddenunderagoldcloth.TVANNOUNCERcontinuesaslightscomeup.)

Now,fortheopeningnumber.wepresentanauthentictraditionalfolkdanceoftheboldpiratefolkoftheSpanishMain.dancedforyourpleasurebythejollyWicketsandWickettes

Page 129: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­126­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#28–TheYo­Ho­Ho (Orchestra)

(AfterPIRATENUMBER,DANCERSclearU.S.,holdfinalpositionsofdanceasBIGGLEY,FINCH,BRATTandTACKABERRYcomeonstagewiththeR.stageTVunit.Theyhavebeenwatchingthedanceonatelevisionset.)

BIGGLEY

(Seated)Whatthehellwasthat?

FINCH

(StandingD.R.ofBIGGLEY)

Ifriedforsomeproductionvalue.Sssshhh.Giveitachance.Hedy'scomingonnow.

TVANNOUNCERNowthemomentyou'veallbeenwaitingfor‐theWorldWideWicketTreasureGirl.#30–Hedy’sFanfare (Orchestra)

(HEDYenters[MUSICFANFARE]fromL.,followedbyTWOWICKETTEGIRLSwhostandoneithersidebehindher.HEDYblowskissestoaudience.)

BRATT

(StandingU.L.ofBIGGLEY)

It'sbeginningtogetme.I'mbeginningtowonderwherethetreasureis,myself.

TACKABERRY (U.L.ofFINCH)Yeah,whereisit,Ponty?

FINCH

No,no.NobodyinthewholeworldknowsbutJ.B.andmyself.Right,J.B.?

BIGGLEYRight,Ponty.Ssshhhhh.

HEDY

Hello,there.Well,I'mabouttogiveyouthefirstclueintheWorldWideWicketTreasureHunt.Intendifferentplacesinthisgreatcountrythereareburiedfivethousandsharesofstock,makingatotaloffiftythousandsharesinall.Oooooh!Andnowforthefirstclue.

(MUSICfanfare.)TWOWICKETTEGIRLS

(Reciting)Thefirstclue.

(MUSICFANFARE)

Page 130: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­127­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#30a–TheFirstClue (Orchestra)

HEDYThefirstclueis“Westofthesun…” (ATVANNOUNCERinterrupts.)

TVANNOUNCEROnemoment,TreasureGirl.

(HEDYlooksup.MANentersL.carryingabigBible.HecrossesR.aboveHEDY,D.toherL.)ThisgentlemaniscarryingaBible.Willyouplaceyourrighthandonit.MissLaRue,doyouswearthattherehasbeennofixingorrigginginconnectionwiththisshow? (HEDYlooksstartled.)Andthattheclueyouareabouttogiveisthetruth,thewholetruth,freefromanytrickery,chicaneryordishonesty? (HEDYisveryhesitant.)

HEDYIsthisarealBible?

TVANNOUNCER

Why,ofcourse,MissLaRue

BIGGLEYWhat'sthematterwithher?

BRATTShelookssurprised.

FINCH

SheisHedydidn'tknowaboutthis.IwantedthispartoftheshowtotobecompletelySpontaneousandunrehearsed.

BIGGLEY

Thatcallbevery,dangerous.

FINCHIthinkit'sveryeffective.

TVANNOUNCER

Doyousweartothat,MissLaRue?

HEDY (Hesitantly,handonBible)Ido.

(RemovedHand)

Page 131: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­128­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

TVANNOUNCER

Andsecondly,MissLaRue,doyouswearthatyouyourselfdonotknowwherethetreasureisactuallyhidden?Doyousweartothat,MissLaRue?MissLaRue?

BIGGLEYYousee?We'regoingtogetintotrouble.

FINCHWhy?YouandIaretheonlyoneswhoknowwherethetreasureishidden.Shedoesn'tknow.

(ALLMENlookatBIGGLEY.)Doesshe?

BIGGLEY

(LooksatMEN,thenbackatTVset)Let'swatchtheprogram.

TVANNOUNCER

MissLaRue,doyouswearthatyoudonotactuallyknowwherethetreasureishidden?

HEDYLook,Idonotwishtotakeabumrap.Iwillnotswearfalsewitnesstoperjury.Idoknowwherethetreasureis.

(Takesonestepforward,leaningforward.)

Ifoundoutlastnight.ThereistreasurehiddeninalltheWorldWideWicketBuildingsrightnow.

(MENstageitreactinhorror.BIGGLEYcollapsesinchair.)

TWOWICKETTEGIRLS

(Reciteagain)Thefirstclue...

(HEDYgoesL.,followedbyGIRLSandMAN.)#30b–Disaster(Orchestra)

Scene7

(THEWRECKEDOUTEROFFICE.IntheblackweheartheBOOKVOICE.)

BOOKVOICEHowtoHandleaDisaster.

Page 132: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­129­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(Theouterofficeisrevealedwiththelampstwistedandturned,thedeskstoppled,type­writersonthefloor,addingmachinetapestrewnallover,chairsturnedover.Theplaceisincompletewreckage.InfrozentableauwefindMissJONES,TACKABERRYTOYNBEE,BUD,JENKINS,DAVISandaCOMPANYPOLICEMANviewingthewreckage.BOOKVOICEcontinues.)

Ineverybusinessman'scareer,therearetimeswhenthingsgoabitwrong.Wehavemanysuggestionsforcopingwiththeselittleproblems.However,shouldyoubethecauseofadisasterthat'sreallydisastrous,wesuggestthatyourbestbetistoreviewthefirstchapterofthisbook,HowToApplyForajob.

(MISSJONESandEXECUTIVESbreaktableauandstartspeaking.)

TACKABERRY(L.ofMISSJONES)

HaveyouguysfoundFinchyet?

MISSJONES

(ToTACKABERRY)Heseemstohavedisappeared.

TOYNBEE(L.ofTACKABERRY)

Can'tfindhim.

(HeexitsL.ROSEMARYentersfromL.duringthisandwatches.)

JENKINSNo,butwe'relookingforhim.

(ExitsL.)

DAVISHaven'tseenhim.

(ExitsL.) (BRATTentersU.R.fromexecutivesuite.,crossesD.R.ofTACKABERRY)

BRATT

Where'sFinch?

TACKABERRYIdon'tknow,Bratt.

BRATT

Well,J.B.wantshimasfastasyoucanfindhim.He'shoppingmad.

(WOMPERcomesrunningonfromL.withCOMPANYPOLICEMANchasinghim.)

COMPANYPOLICEMAN

(L.OfWOMPER)Comebackhere,you.

Page 133: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­130­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BRATT

(TakesPOLICEMAN’SarmfromaroundWOMPER)Whatareyoudoing?

COMPANYPOLICEMANIt'sanothertreasurehunter.Thislittlenuttriedtosneakpastmethreetimes.

BRATTThislittlenutisthechairmanoftheboard.

(WOMPERgivesBRATTalook.)It'sMr.Womper.

COMPANYPOLICEMAN(StartsoffL.)

Chairmanoftheboard.Theyalllookaliketome.

(HeexitsL.)

BRATTI'mverysorrythishappened,Mr.Womper.

(WOMPERjustlooksathim.) Ifyou'llcomewithme,Mr.BIGGLEYisinhisoffice.Luckilytheydidn'twreckthat.

(WOMPERstartsoffLLR.intoexecutivesuite,followedbyBRATTandTACKABERRY.BRATTaddressesMissJones.)

KeeplookingforFinch.

(Theyexitintoexecutivesuite.)

MISSJONES(SeeingROSEMARYL.ofC.)

Oh,Rosemary,haveyouseenPonty?

ROSEMARYNo,MissJones,andI'msoworriedabouthim.

MISSJONESSoamI.Hewasaniceboy.

(StartsoffIt)ROSEMARY

Was?Whatwilltheydotohim?

MISSJONESIdon'tknow.Somebody'sheadhastoroll.

(Shemakesbowlinggesture,thenexitsU.R.intoexecutivesuite.)

Page 134: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­131­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#31–IBelieveInYou (Rosemary)

ROSEMARY

(Leftalone,crossesD.R)

Pontywillthinkofsomething,won'tPonty.

YOUHAVETHECOOLCLEAREYESOFASEEKEROFWISDOMANDTRUTH;YETTHERE'STHATUPTURNEDCHIN,ANDTHEGRINOFIMPETUOUSYOUTH.OH,IBELIEVEINYOU,IBELIEVEINYOU.

(FINCHentersfromL.ROSEMARYrushesintohisarms.)

ROSEMARY

Pority,Ponty!

(Theyembrace.)FINCH

I'msogladyou'rehere.

ROSEMARYWherehaveyoubeen?

FINCHOh,walkingthestreets,thinking,thinking.

ROSEMARY(Touchinghisforehead)

You'vegotabruiseonyourhead.

FINCHIt'snothing.Igotitlastnight.Theythrewmeoutofasaloon.

ROSEMARY(Horrified)

Whydidtheydothat?

FINCHBecauseIdidn'tbuyanything.

ROSEMARYThebrutes.Whydon'tyougohome?

FINCHNo,I'vegottogoinandfacethemusic.

(BUDstickshisheadoutofexecutivesuite,seesFINCH,pointsatBUD)

BUDAhhah!

(Heexitsintoexecutivesuite.)

Page 135: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­132­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

(CrossesR.belowROSEMARY,looksatthewreckedoffice)Well,thisisit.

ROSEMARYThechairmanoftheboardisinthere.

FINCH

Ifiguredthat.

ROSEMARYWhatareyougoingtodo?

FINCH

(CrossesL.belowher.)Do?Whatdoesamandowhentheworldhascollapsedaroundhisears?Nothing.I'lljusttakewhat'scomingtome.

ROSEMARYPonty,Iknowwiththatmindofyours...

FINCH

No,Rosemary,I'mputtingthatmindofmineaway.I'mjustgoingtomakeacleanbreastofeverythingandgobacktowhatIwasbeforeIcamehere.

ROSEMARYWhatwereyou?

FINCHIwasanexteriordecorator.

(Catcheshimself.)IhereIgoagain.Ican'teventellyouthetruth.Iwasawindowwasher.

ROSEMARYSowhat?Idon'tcarewhatyoudo,Ponty,I'msticking.Iwalkedoutonyouonce.

FINCHYoudid?

ROSEMARYWell,I'mnotleavingyouagain.

FINCH

Rosemary,youcan'tbethewifeofawindowwasher.That'snolifeforawomansiftingathomewhileI'mupthere,neverknowingifI'velandedsafely.

ROSEMARYNowlistentome,Finch...

(BUDentersfromexecutivesuitewithFOURMEN.Theyremainonsteps.BUDcrossesD.R.toC.)

Page 136: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­133­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUDFinch,you'rewantednJ.B.'soffice.

FINCHIoughtI'dwashupfirst.

BUDTheywantyounow.

FINCH

(CrossesR.)Gee,can'tIevensaygood‐byetoRosemary?

BUDGoahead.

FINCH

(TurnsL.toROSEMARY)Rosemazygood‐bye.

BUD(Cuttingin)

Comealong.

FINCH

But,I...

(Turns,crossesU.ontothesteps,turnsbackandseeshe'ssurroundedbytheFOURMEN,shrugsshoulders.)

Fmsorry,Rosemary.Iwishnoneofthishadeverhappened.

(ExitsU.R.followedbytheFOURMEN.)

ROSEMARY(Startstorunafterhim)

Ponty!

(BUDstandsinherway.Shestops.BUDexitsU.R.)

#32–Doom (Orchestra)

Scene8

(THEELEVATORLANDING.OnriseweseeTHREEGIRLSoneachsideofthestageholdinghandkerchiefs,sadlywatchingasBUDentersR.,followedbyFINCHsurroundedbytheFOURMEN.TheyStopL.ofC.)

Page 137: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­134­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUD

(CrossesR.betweentwomentoFINCH)

Look,Pontywhythehellshouldyoufacethosemonsters?Goahead,runaway.Escape.I'llpretendIdidn'tseeyou.Forauldlangsyne.

FINCH

No,I'mgoingtofacethemandgetitoverwith.Ishouldthinkyou'dbehappyiftheykilledme.

(BUDcrossesL.tohisformerposition.)

BUDIfIcouldonlybesure.

(TheymarchoffL.GIRLSexitL.andR.)

Scene9

(BIGGLEY'SOFFICE.WOMPERispacingbackandforth.MissJONESisseated(U.L.onthesofa.ToherrightisTACKABERRY.ANOTHERGROUPofEXECUTIVESstandingStageR.BIGGLEYisstandingL.ofhisdesk.BRATTentersL.,followedbyPETERSONandJENKINS.)

BRATT

(CrossestoL.ofBIGGLEY)

Allofourkeymenarehere,J.B.

(ToPETERSONandJENKINSathisL.)Gentlemen,youknowMr.WallyWomper,thechairmanoftheboard.

(TheynodtoWOMPER,whojustlooksatthem.PETERSONcrossesU.toMISSJONES.)

BIGGLEY

(CrossesR.toWOMPER)

Now,Wally,letmetellyoubeforewegoanyfurtherthatIrealizethatI'mthepresidentofthiscompany,themanwhoisresponsibleforeverythingthatgoesonhere.SoI'dliketostaterightnowthatanythingthathappenedisnotmyfault.There'sonebrightsidetothiswholething,Wally.You'llbehappytoknowthatwe'vegotsomebodytopiniton.

(TurnstoBRATT)HaveyoufoundFinchyet?

BRATTThey'rebringinghimin.

BIGGLEY

Good.Wally,you'llsoonseewheretheresponsibilityforthewholethinglies.Whenhegetshere,I'lldoallthetalking.ThisisaveryslickyoungsterWally

Page 138: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­135­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(BUDentersdraggingFINCHfollowedbytheFOUREXECUTIVESwhocrossU.L.alongsideMissJONES.)

BUD

(ToBIGGLEY)He'shere,sir.

(CrossesR.belowdesktoMENstageR.JENKINScrossesabovedeskandjoinshim.)

FINCH

(L.ofC.)Mr.Biggley,I'd...

BIGGLEY

(Cuttinginfast)Nevermind,I'lldothetalking.Oh,bytheway,you'venevermetMr.Womper.Thisisthechairmanoftheboard.

FINCHHowdoyoudo,Mr.Womper?

(StartsR.)Mr.Womper,I'dliketo

BIGGLEY

(Stoppinghim)Nospeeches,Finch.It'sallsettled.Iwantyoutosignasimplelittleletterofresignation,inwhichyouacceptalltheblameforwhathappened.

(BRATTcrossesD.toL.ofFINCH,handshimpenandletterofresignation.)

FINCHOkay,Mr.Biggley,I'llbegladto.

(TakespenandletterfromBRATT)

BIGGLEYWhat'sthat?

(CrossesL.toFINCH.)FINCH

I'lldowhatyousaid.

(ALLlookateachother.)

BIGGLEYYouSurethisisn'toneofyourtricks?

FINCH

No,Mr.Biggley,I'mthroughwithallthat.Yousee,thisfirmhasbeenprettygoodtome.NowI'mgoingtoresign,taketheblameandgobacktowhatIdidbeforeIcamehere.

Page 139: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­136­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEY(Simplecuriosity)

Whatdidyoudo,Finch?

FINCH

(Afterapause)

Iwasawindowwasher.

WOMPERNokiddin'.Istartedasawindowwashermyself.

(ThisisthefirsttimeWOMPERhasspoken.Itcomesfromleftfield.TheyallturnandlookatWOMPER.FINCHturnsfrontandsmiles,thenturnsgracefullytoBRATTandhandsbackpenandletterofresignation.BRATTlooksstunned.Heputsawayhispen,letterofresignationandcrossesU.L.toitofMISSJONES.)

BIGGLEY

(TurnsR.)Youdid?

WOMPER

(CrossesL.)WhatthehelldidyouthinkIwas‐arailsplitter?

(BIGGLEYcrossesU.LtoL.ofBRATT.WOMPERdisgustedlyreferstoBIGGLEY.)Collegeman.

(ToFINCH.)Soyouwereawindowwasher.

(MENgatheraroundBUDstageR.MENgatheraroundBIGGLEYstageL.)

FINCHYes,Mr.Womper.

WOMPERCallmeWally.

FINCHOkay,Wally.

WOMPERTellme,Finch...

FINCHCallmePonty.

WOMPER

Okay,Ponty.Boy,it'sbeenalongtimesinceIhadsomeonearoundhereIHowdidyouhappentogointothisbusiness?

Page 140: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­137­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHWell,sir,Ihadabook

WOMPERYeah?Me,too.

FINCHItwasabookonhowtosucceedinbusiness.

WOMPER

Mybookwasmoreuseful.Ibookedbetsforalltheotherwindowwashers.Icleanedupabundle.

(CrossesR.,looksatMENstageR.)

Ishould'vestoodinthatbusinessEightbuildingswrecked,ourstockisdownfivepoints.We'rethelaughingstockoftheindustry.

FINCHIknow,Wally.It'sghastly.

WOMPER

Ponty,howdidthishappen?Icouldunderstandacollegemanpullingabonerlikethis,butnotnowindowwasher.Nowthisideaofyours...

FINCHHoldit,Wally.

(CrossesR.toWOMPER.)

Ifthere'sonethingIwon'tdo,it'stakecreditforanotherman'sidea.Especiallywhenhe'stheboss'snephew.

(WOMPERlooksup.FINCHcrossesL.EVERYBODYmovesL.awayfromBUD,leavinghimalonestageR.)

WOMPER

(CrossesR.toC.,looksatBUD,turnstoBIGGLEY)Younevertoldmeyouhiredyournephew.

BIGGLEYNephew?Oh,nephew.

(CrossesD.R.toWOMPER.)

He'snotreallymynephew‐he'smyWife'snephew.Thismayseemlikenepotism,Wally,butit'snot.I'venevershownhimanyfavoritism.Infact,Ihatehim.

WOMPERButyoulovehisideas.

BIGGLEY

No!WhenhefirsttoldmetheideaIthoughtitwasalousyidea.

(CrossesL.andpointsatFINCH.)

ThenwhenFinchbroughtittomeIstillsaiditwasalousyidea.AndItoldFinchitwasalousyidea.

Page 141: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­138­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

WOMPER(CrossesL.twoSteps)

Whydidyoubuyit?

BIGGLEYItseemedlikeagoodidea.

WOMPER

(Turnsaway,crossesR.twosteps)Treasurehunts...treasuregirls...

BIGGLEY(Suddenlydefensive)

Well,dresseditallup.Hecan'tdenythattheideafortheTreasureGirlwashis.

(CrossesU.L.intoGROUPOFMEN.)

MENThat'sright,J.B.Youtell'em,J.B.That'stheway,J.B.

(etc.,etc.)

(WOMPERlooksatFINCH.)

FINCH(CrossesR.toWOMPER,)

Well,thatwasmyidea.

WOMPERAndnotabadone,butwhothehellpickedthatbubble‐headedtomato?

(FINCHcrossesD.R.belowWOMPER.NowEVERYONEmovesawayR.andL.fromBIGGLEY,leavinghimaloneL.WOMPERlooksatBIGGLEY.)

WOMPER

(Nodding,looksU.L.)Uhhuh.

BIGGLEY

(CrossesD.toWomper)Wally,Idon'twantyoutogetanywrongideas.Thisisaverynicegirl.Yououghttotalktoher.

WOMPERIintendto.

(CrossesR.,looksatmenR.)Well,IthinkI'vegotthewholepicture.Nowthequestioniswhattodoandwhotodoitto.

(SitsinBIGGLEY'SchairC.)

Page 142: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­139­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH(CrossesL.toWOMPER)

Nowwaitaminute,Wally.Beforeyoumakeanyhastydecision…

(BIGGLEYCrossesL.OfC.)I'dliketosayafewwords.

(ALLMENmovedown.)

WOMPERAboutwhat?

FINCHHumanity.

(WOMPERswivelschairtofaceU.S.)#33–TheBrotherhoodofMan (Finch,Womper,Biggley,MissJones,Men)

(FINCH)

Yousee,Wally,eventhoughwe'reallpartofthecoldcorporatesetup...deepdownunderourskinsthereisfleshandblood.We'reallbrothers.

BIGGLEY

(D.L.,sighs)Someofusareuncles.

FINCH(RofC.)NOW,YOUMAYJOINTHEELKS,MYFRIEND,ANDIMAYJOINTHESHRINERS.ANDOTHERMENMAYCARRYCARDSASMEMBERSOFTHEDINERS.STILLOTHERSWEARAGOLDENKEY,ORSMALLGREEKLETTERPIN.BUTIHAVELEARNEDTHERE'SONEGREATCLUBTHATALLOFUSAREIN.

(Jumpsondesk.)

THEREISABROTHERHOODOFMAN,ABENEVOLENTBROTHERHOODOFMAN;ANOBLETIETHATBINDSALLHUMANHEARTSANDMINDSINTOONEBROTHERHOODOFMAN.

(MENgatherarounddesk,exceptforBUDandBIGGLEY.)

YOURLIFE‐LONGMEMBERSHIPISFREE.KEEPA‐GIVINGEACHBROTHERALLYOUCAN.OH,AREN'TYOUPROUDTOBEINTHATFRATERNITY;

Page 143: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­140­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(ALLplacehandsoverhearts.)

(FINCH)

THEGREAT,BIGBROTHERHOODOFMAN?(MENcrossawayL.andR.)(FINCHSpeaking)So,Wally,Iwantyoutorememberthat,beforeyouconsiderfiringMr.Biggley.

(BRATTcrossesD.toBIGGLEYwithletterofresignationandpen.)

BIGGLEYWho'sconsideringthat?

(PushesBRATTaway)

FINCH (Stillondesk)Yousee,Wally,Iknowwhat'sonyourmind.You'dliketoclearoutthewholecrowdfromtoptobottom.

(JUMPSitoffdesk.)

That'stheobviousmove.Butstopandthink...

(ToDAVIS,D.R.)(Sings)

ONEMANMAYSEEMINCOMPETENT,(ToTOYNBEE,L.ofDAVIS.)

ANOTHERNOTMAKESENSE,(ToBUD,L.ofTOYNBEE.)

WHILEOTHERSLOOKLIKEQUITEAWASTEOFCOMPANYEXPENSE.THEYNEEDABROTHER'SLEADERSHIP,

(BelowMENstageit)

SOPLEASEDON'TDOTHEMIN;(CrossesL.toWOMPER.)

REMEMBER,MEDIOCRITYISNOTAMORTALSIN.THEY'RE

EXECUTIVESWE'RE

FINCHIN…

EXECUTIVESIN…

Page 144: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­141­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCHTHE...

EXECUTIVES

THE...

ALLMENBROTHERHOODOFMAN;DEDICATEDTOGIVINGALLWECAN.

FINCH

OH,AREN'TYOUPROUDTOBEINTHATFRATERNITY;

(ALLclaphands.)

ALLMENTHEGREATBIGBROTHERHOODOFMAN?

(ALLclaphands.WOMPERcrossesD.,turnsandlooksatMENstageR.Theystopclapping.HeturnsandlooksatMENstageL.ALLStopclappingbutBUD,whoisleftclappingalone.BIGGLEYatBUD'SL.,grabshissliandsandstopshim.WOMPERthencrossesD.C.)

WOMPER

NOKIDDIN'!(Sings)

ISTHEREREALLYABROTHERHOOD...

BIGGLEYANDEXECUTIVES.

YES,YOU'REABROTHER;WOMPER

...OFMAN?

BIGGLEYANDEXECUTIVES

YOUAREABROTHER!WOMPER

ONTHELEVEL,ABROTHERHOODOFMAN?

ALLOHYES,OHYES.ANOBLETIETHATBINDSALLHUMANHEARTSANDMINDS

WOMPER

INTOONEBROTHERHOODOFMAN.

ALL

OH,YES,YOURLIFE‐LONGMEMBERSHIPISFREE;KEEPA‐GIVIN'EACHBROTHERALLYOUCAN.OH,AREN'TYOU…

Page 145: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­142­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

WOMPERANDMEN MISSJONES

(CrossesU.,climbsontodesk)

PROUDTOBE YOU… YOUGOTME INTHATFRATERNITY; ME… IGOT

THEGREAT,BIG YOU‐OOBROTHERHOODOFMAN? YOU‐OO.

(MENfaceU.S.andsurrounddesk.)

MISSJONES

OH,THATNOBLEFEELING,FEELSLIKEBELLSAREPEALING,DOWNWITHDOUBLEDEALING;OH,BROTHER.YOU...YOUGOTMEME...IGOTYOU‐OO,YOU‐OO.

(WOMPERandFINCHdolittletaproutine.)

ALL(Softly)

OH,THATNOBLEFEELING,FEELSLIKEBELLSAREPEALING,DOWNWITHDOUBLEDEALING;OH,BROTHER!YOU...YOUGOTMEME...IGOTYOU‐OO,YOU‐OO.OH,THATNOBLEFEELING,

(ALLspreadoutonstageandclaphands.DANCERSdocrossover.)

FEELSLIKEBELLSAREPEALING,DOWNWITHDOUBLEDEALING;OH,BROTHER.YOU...YOUGOTMEME...IGOTYOU‐OO,YOU‐OO.

(BIGGLEYclimbsondeskR.ofMissJones.)

YOURLIFE‐LONGMEMBERSHIPISFREE.KEEPA‐GIVINGEACHBROTHERALLYOUCAN.OH,AREN'TYOUPROUDTOBEINTHATFRATERNITY;THEGREATBIGBROTHERHOODOFMAN.

(ALLshakehands.)

Page 146: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­143­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#34–MoreDoom (Orchestra)

Scene9A

(TRAVELER.SOUNDofDRUMS.BUDentersL,crossesslowly,surroundedbytheFOURMENwhoearlieraccompaniedFINCH.BUDstopsR.ofC.,turnsandaddressesmen.)

BUD

(CrossesL.toFIRSTMAN)Givemeabreak. (CrossesU.L.toSECONDMAN)Wewerealwaysthebestoffriends,Max.

(WaveshandinfrontofSECONDMANwhodoesnotreact.CrossesU.R.toTHIRDMAN.)Rememberthefun,thedates,Ernest?

(Laughs.CrossesD.R.tofourthman.)YouIneverliked. (AddressesALL)Look,Icouldmakeit.vorthyourwhile.

(Reachesintopockets,pullsthemoutempty)

No,Ican't!Itdoesn'tpaytobedecent.

(Fallstofloor.)Well,I'mnotgoingtogo.

(MENpickhimup,startoffR.)No,no,youcan'tmakeme!I'mtooyoungtogo.I'mjustaboy.I’llgetsick!

Scene10

(THEOUTEROFFICE.OnriseOFFICEPERSONNELaremillingaround,gossiping.SMITTYenters.R.,CrossestoC...)

MISSKRUMHOLTZ

(L.ofC.)Hey,Smitty,anynewsyet

SMITTYIhaven'theardathingyet

(JENKINSentersL.)Oh,Mr.Jenkinshaveyouheardanythingyet?

Page 147: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­144­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

JENKINS

(AsheheadsforexecutivesuiteU.R.)Don'tknowathingyet.

MISSKRUMHOLTZLookslikeabigshakeup.

(JENKINSisstoppedonstairsU.R.byBRATTenteringfromexecutivesuite,followedbyTACKABERRY.)

BRATT

Boysandgirls,mayIhaveaword.

(Theyallturntolisten.)

Asyouknow,therehavebeenafewchangesmadeatWorldWideWickets.IamspeakingtoyounowinmynewcapacityasvicepresidentinchargeofEmployeeMoraleandPsychologicalAdjustment.Mr.TackaberryhereisnowinchargeofPersonnel.

(TACKABERRYnods,crossesD.steps,shakeshandswithJENKINS.)

NowIwouldlikeyoutohearafewwordsfromourhard‐driving,hard‐workingpresident.

(BIGGLEYentersL.R.,followedbyMISSJONES.) J.B.Biggley.

(OFFICESTAFFapplauds.MISSJONEScrossesD.tofootoffirstrowofD.S.desks.)

BIGGLEY

(CrossesD.R.ofC.)IcantrulystatethatWorldWideWicketsisnowstrongerthanever.AndIfeelalotofthecreditshouldgotoacertainbrightandveryloyalyoungman.Comeouthere,Finch.

(FINCHentersJR.OFFICESTAFFapplauds.BIGGLEYcrossesD.R.)Asyouknow,thisyoungster'srisehasbeenspectacularlyrapid.Asamatteroffact,forawhileIbegantothinkhewasaftermyjob.

(BIGGLEYlaughs.FINCHandotherOFFICEPERSONNELlaughwithhim.)But,luckilyforme,hedidn'twantit.

(Laughsagain.)

FINCH(Laughing)

No,J.B.,yourjobismuchtootoughforme.

(CrossesL.belowBIGGLEY.)ButIwouldliketosay,thatifanycreditisdue,itshouldgotoagreatmar'andagreathumanitarian,thechairmanoftheboard,Mr.WallyWomper.

Page 148: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­145­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIGGLEYHearhear.

FINCH

Incidentally;folks,MrWomperhashischarmingwifewithhimtodayLet'sgetthembothouthere.Mr.andMrs.Womper.

(WOMPERandHEDYComeoutU.R.,CrossDR.ofC.GROUPapplauds.FINCHcrossesR.tothem.)

FINCH

Mr.Wompertoldmehedidn'tfeellikemakinganyspeeches.He'sstillanewlywed.But,Ihaveasurpriseannouncementtomakeabouthim.

(CrossesL.toC.)

WaIlvWomperhasdecidedthatafterhislongyearsofservice,he'sgoingtoretireaschairmanoftheboardandheandhiswifearegoingtotakealonghoneymoontriparoundtheworld.

HEDY (R.ofWomper)Sweetie,whatasurprise!Youdidn'ttellme.

WOMPER (Stunned)Ididn'tknow. (FINCHcrossesU.L.andissurroundedbytheGIRLS.)Well,whatthehell.It'snotabadidea,atthat.

(RunstoHEDY)

I'llconcentrateonyou.BIGGLEY

(CrossesR.toWOMPER.)Walls',who'sgoingtobethenewchairmanoftheboardasifIdidn'tknow?

(BIGGLEYlooksL.ALLOFFICEPERSONNELstageL.SplitL.andR.,isolatingFINCH.)

FINCH

Justamoment.Idon'tknowifIcanaccept.I'llhavetoconsultMrs.Finch.

(SMITTYcrossesL.belowFINCHtoGIRLSD.L.)

SMITTYRosemary,yourhusbandiscallingyou.#24a–Hallelujah! (Girls)

GIRLS(Singing) HALLELUJAH!(ROSEMARYentersL.,crossestoFINCHC.)

Page 149: How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying  · PDF file­iii ­ how to succeed in business without really trying

­146­ HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FINCH

Rosemary,I'vegotabigdecisiontomake.Theywanttomakemechairmanofthehoard.Whatdoyouthink?

ROSEMARYDarling,Idon'tcareifyouworkinthemailroomoryou'rechairmanoftheboardoryou'rePresidentoftheUnitedStates,Iloveyou.

FINCH(Turnsfront)Saythatagain.

ROSEMARYIloveyou.

FINCHNo,beforethat.

BIGGLEYMissJones...

(MISSJONEScrossesD.L.ofBIGGLEY.HecrossesD.)...takeawiretotheWhiteHouse:"Watchout!"#35–Finale(TheCompanyWay)(EntireCompany)

ALLWEPLAYITTHECOMPANYWAY;EXECUTIVEPOLICY

(ScaffoldrisesoutsidewindowsU.S.withBUDholdingcopyof"HowTo"book.)

ISBYUSOKAY.THOUGHFORTHEDEPARTEDWESHEDAMOURNFULTEAR;WHOEVERTHECOMPANYFIRES,WEWILLSTILLBEHERE!

#35–Bows (EntireCompany)

ALLOH,AREN'TYOUPROUDTOBEINTHATFRATERNITY;THEGREAT,BIGBROTHERHOODOFMAN?

#36–ExitMusic (Orchestra)

THEEND