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How to Spot and Avoid Secondhand Stress

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How to Spot and Avoid Secondhand StressSecondhand stress is a real but often unacknowledged source of stress in our lives. It

is caused by being exposed to other stressed people––yes, stress is contagious, just

like the common cold, only you're less likely to blame it on someone else! In this

article, you'll learn how to spot secondhand stress and how to start immunizing

yourself against it more effectively.

1Treat stress like a contagious disease. When someone else is

stressed, unless you've already created strong personal boundaries and

are able to stay alert to the external source of what is upsetting you, it's very

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easy to let someone else's anxiety or sense of urgency increase your own inner

feelings of stress. Secondhand stress is an unconscious absorption of

negative emotions, thought to be precipitated by firing of the "mirror neurons" in

our brain that try hard to keep us in sync with those around us.[1]

Notice how you feel when someone around you is pacing, glancing

about rapidly, acting impatiently, toe-tapping, snapping at you, or

similar potentially negative actions. Note how long it takes for you to

feel as anxious or impatient as them; for many people, it's not long at

all.

It's also possible that the pheromones in the sweat of an anxious and

impatient person may cause you to react likewise.[1]

Identify the people in your life who are "sick" with stress. It's usually

emitted by those people closest to you, in terms of relationships and time

spent together. Thus, it tends to be your spouse/partner, children, work

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colleagues and supervisors and anyone else you spend a lot of time with, such

as close friends or even neighbors.

In many cases, women tend to be more susceptible to secondhand

stress, feeling obliged to be constantly available to care for people

and to soothe other's pain. Regardless of gender, this desire to be

there for others even when you're feeling stretched yourself can open

you up to taking on people's burdens and negative feelings too. The

more empathic a person is, the more likely they will suffer secondhand

stress.

Recognize the situations in which secondhand stress can occur.

There are lots of times when you can unconsciously take on board

another's stress but some of the more common situations include:

A colleague, boss or client pressures you about a deadline that he or

she perceives as urgent. You don't believe it to be as urgent as this

person insists but by the time you've heard his or her stress about it,

you've joined the club.

Your boss, colleague, spouse, friend, etc., is really stressed about an

upcoming event and continuously seeks your advice and reassurance

about it. Eventually, despite knowing that it's all under control your end,

you find it stressful too.

Your workplace is a hive of woes and moaning about potential job

losses, pay cuts or downsizing, and the rumors grow daily. It's hard to

stay above this type of generalized workplace stress and you soon

find yourself succumbing to the secondhand stress.

You're about to have a baby and you're perfectly fine about it until your

mother, sisters and previously pregnant friends start on with their

horror stories about what can go wrong. Suddenly, their worries

become yours too. This isn't just a pregnancy issue though––it can

apply to anyone about to experience a life-changing event, such as

having surgery, buying a new home, adopting a child, supporting a

loved one in prison, when adult offspring return to the "empty nest",

etc.

A boss or supervisor is behaving tensely, uptight and irritable; to top it

off, she's not giving away much but is trying to "soldier on." It's hard not

to absorb the stress oozing from someone you perceive as a role

model and whose single command can redirect all of your efforts.

You work or socialize with someone who is always stressed out and

high strung. No matter how positive you feel before meeting this

person, he or she sends you downward the moment you're near them,

every time. This always sour-and-down personality type will transfer

negative emotions easily, if you don't realize what's really happening at

a conscious level––namely, that you're taking on board this person's

stress and negative outlook.

You're on a call desk, such as for IT problems. Every call is

considered by each caller to be urgent and a "must-be-fixed" now

situation. The secondhand stress from taking on board other people's

sense of urgency can be overwhelming if you don't learn to manage it

well.

If you're working in constant real emergency situations (such as being

an emergency worker, paramedic, etc.), your entire job is a

recognized source of bringing on secondhand stress, something a

good workplace should already have recognized and has programs in

place to assist you.

4Take charge of your own emotions. Once you can recognize the

times in your life when stress seems to be catching, you can begin to stop

yourself from falling victim to absorbing other people's stress.

Realize that secondhand stress tends to linger. It can be worse than

stress caused by your own feelings because you truly feel you don't

have control over it and often don't understand its source. However,

this is part of the key to coping––let go of any idea of "controlling" the

stress source. The perpetrator of the secondhand stress is beyond

your control but your response to their stress is always something you

can control.

Distract yourself and place a visual or physical reaction barrier

between you and the stress. Focus on something other than the

person sending out their own stress signals. Focus on your breathing,

deeply inhaling and exhaling to a count of 10. Pinch the palm of your

hand to remind yourself to remain focused on the problem as solvable,

not on the person as tension causing. Focus on a favorite color. Focus

on a mind's eye picture of a beautiful natural place you cherish.

Notice yourself mimicking stressful stances, attitudes and body

language. Are you scrunching up your shoulders just like the stressful

colleague? Are you screwing up your forehead with worry just like your

spouse? Take a moment to notice how tense your body is and make a

conscious choice to relax every part of it and shake off those negative

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vibes.

Be an atmosphere changer. When secondhand stress starts coming

your way, try avoid catching it anymore. Here are some suggestions to

help distance yourself while still being compassionate and engaged:

If it's someone complaining about things, tell them something positive

about themselves or the situation.

If they're worried about meeting a deadline, suggest spending time

together to plot out a way to reassure the worrier. You could offer to

show this person how you prioritize pressing tasks.

If they're worried something won't be satisfactory, offer to read through

their work, check their calculations, test their theories, critique their

efforts, or show them how. Don't accept worrying as a reason for

staying negative. Remember that action is always the antidote to worry

and feeling down.

6If the person isn't reassured or buoyed up by your attempts to see

the more positive side to things, take a break. There's no need to

hang around a negative atmosphere soaking up even more of it.

Suggest that you make a cup of coffee or tea for you both.

If it's hard to get away, tell the person you need to visit the bathroom.

Take a walk outside if possible, or just to a different part of the

building, to clear your head and shake off those blues that descended

on you from elsewhere. Physical exercise is proven to beat stress,

provided you actually do some.[1]

7If you're in a work or volunteer situation, rather than a personal

one, turn to workplace or volunteer guides, manuals and training.

If it's the style of job or volunteer work you're doing, such as answering constant

problem calls or tending to emergencies, your workplace or volunteer

organization should have training for coping with secondhand stress. Manuals

will often give you step-by-step approaches to dealing with the more difficult

people you'll encounter in life––make sure you are comfortable with using these

self-defense strategies to protect yourself while still helping other people. If

there isn't anything in place already, ask for it or get a band of

coworkers/volunteers together to ask as a group.

If it's a situation where the stress involves injuries and perhaps even

death, such as for doctors, nurses, emergency workers and police,

ask your organization to ensure that you get both adequate stress

support and debriefing opportunities. Your situation is unique and very

hard to deal with alone.

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Acknowledge and accept what you can't change. You won't always

be able to put a positive shine on a situation or personal issue and you

won't always be able/want to be out of the presence of a stressful person or

situation. In this case, you'll need to armor yourself mentally and be prepared to

remain positive and to not allow the stressful person's outlook to color yours.

You also need to be prepared to talk honestly:

Stop trying to protect and comfort someone who is a source of stress

when this increases your own stress. Sometimes you'll need to call it

like it is, as it's quite possible the person bringing the stress home

from work or spreading it around work, doesn't even realize the impact

that he or she is having on others. Tell the person in question about the

impact his or her stress is having on you. Use "I" statements but don't

avoid it; the other person needs to understand how harmful this has

become to you.

Try kindness. React with compassion rather than irritation or

aggression. Knowing that your own tetchy feelings derive from theirs,

make a decision to treat the stressed person with kindness (and a few

smiles). It may work enough to calm them down but even if it doesn't, it

will help you to distance yourself from their stress and to also be kind

to yourself.

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sinus

infections?

Plan a minimum weekly thing that keeps you happy and is totally unrelated to

the situation or person stressing you. It might be a movie a week, a visit with

friends, dinner in a different restaurant, an afternoon spent at the library

reading new book acquisitions, a day strolling around a historic part of

town––whatever you choose, make it your sacred happy time.

Get away from stressful situations as often as possible. If the stressful

person is close to you, consider taking him or her away too––weekend

hikes and cabin stays by the sea, overseas vacations, weekends spent out

of internet or phone reach, spa days, etc. are all ways to unwind and let your

real feelings have a chance to come to the fore.

Practice meditation or mindfulness. These can help to build up your

resilience against stressful people and situations.

Children can suffer from secondhand stress, especially if you pile

expectations to achieve on them and have too many after-school activities

added to their schedule. If a child is living life in your fast lane, slow down

and let your child be a child instead; adult responsibilities will come soon

We could really use your help!

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enough.

Some of the side effects of secondhand stress include raised blood

pressure, impaired digestion, insomnia, depression, fatigue, tension and

poor memory.

Beware of "friendships" that consist of nothing more than the other person

telling you all their woes, troubles and problems. The more negative their

talk, the more wary you should be. Ultimately, absorbing all this negativity will

make you feel bad about yourself and not just worried about your friend.

When the stress is due to injustice, discrimination and other impersonal

social ills, taking action is a good response. If you can get involved in

activism about the person's cause, you may be able to do a lot of good.

Most of all it will break the sense of helplessness you may feel about being

able to comfort that loved one or friend. Taking real action on their behalf or

helping them connect with support and activist groups is a good response.

Then take care of yourself and remind yourself that you're not a member of

the affected group, don't feel guilty about taking care of your feelings before

charging in to help change the world.

Warnings

If secondhand stress raises your awareness of issues in your own life,

thinking them through and taking appropriate action is the way to handle it. If

your second hand stress source is talking about an abusive situation that

parallels your own, your stress isn't entirely second hand. Look honestly at

yourself and others to see where stress is coming from. Sorting out multiple

stress sources makes it much easier to handle all of them - one at a time.

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1. ↑

1.01.11.2http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-

fitness/health/conditions/why-i-feel-your-pain-secondhand-stress-and-how-it-

spreads/article585781/

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2058988/Beware-workplace-

whinger-Passive-stress-contagious-cold-study-reveals.html – research

source, quoting Professor Elaine Hatfield, a University of Hawaii

psychologist who found workplace stress to be contagious.

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