how to listen so parents will talk and talk so parents will listen
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How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen Working Effectively with Parents. John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D. Department of Counselor Education University of Montana – [email protected] For tip sheets and resources: johnsommersflanagan.com. - PowerPoint PPT PresentationTRANSCRIPT
How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents
will Listen
Working Effectively with Parents
Maybe . . .
It’s easy to be afraid of (or angry at) parents
Parents have special needs and interests
Parents can be very critical consumers
Parents sometimes say things that throw us off our helping/counseling game (Bite-back)
This workshop is rated “PG” A blend of personal discoveries and evidence Caveats and excuses This is YOUR workshop Talking and not talking Communicate respectfully Opening survey We will never get finished
The Portland VA Hospital – 1984Basic common sense conclusionOne of the best ways to provoke
people into behaving in threatening ways is to ________________.
The foundation for working effectively with parent boils down to using your common relationship sense Avoid being too bossy Avoid being insulting Avoid telling people they’re being stupid or
silly Avoid backing people into corners Be respectful . . . And DO NOT live by the
Satanic Golden Rule
The Principles Empathic understanding Radical acceptance Collaboration
Summary: Listen before you educate
Two forms of empathy with parents General – It’s hard to be a parent;
parents are judged
Specific – Clean your room story
▪ Some parents will REALLY NEED to tell you a parenting story
Radical Acceptance as an Attitude (from DBT)
“I completely accept you as you are and am fully committed to helping you change for the better”
We use this especially when parents say something extreme
Parent Volley: “I know it’s not popular, but I believe in spanking. When I was a kid, if I talked back I’d be picking myself up off the floor. Kids don’t have any discipline these days and as a parent, I have a right to parent my kids any way I want.”
Teacher/Counselor Return: “Thanks for being so honest about what you’re thinking. Lots of people believe in spanking and I’m glad you’re being straight with me about your beliefs.”
Parent Response: “Yeah. Okay.”
Teacher/Counselor Return: “But I’m not all that positive about the picking yourself up off the floor thing.”
Parent Response: “Oh no. I didn’t mean I think that’s right.”
Group participation – Volunteer example
Thank you . . . because . . .
Practice with a partner
How do we facilitate collaboration?
Collaboration as an attitude: Not knowing or understanding too quickly
Holding back your pearls of wisdom
“Expert” dance with a parent as your partner
Because parents are vulnerable . . .
We are supportive, positive, and validating
We work to see the positive goals and love underneath anger and imperfect parenting
We join with even the most difficult parents to help them support their children’s education
Preparing for button-pushing: Just like with challenging students
Responding to questions about your credentials or competence
Self-disclosure: When and how much and what kind? [Joining, empathic]
Meet, greet, and comfort (Mary Cover Jones: What did she use to extinguish fear?): What do you use?
Role induction: As needed, explain the terrain
Share power through collaborationHonoring the parent as expertIf needed, obtain and provide a problem
description (homework, classroom behavior)
Expressing support, offering compliments (examples), and using universality
Identifying goals
Listening for backwards behavior modification
Watch for: Anything that seems comforting or
reassuring Complimenting Goal-setting Parent-child dynamics (e.g., backward
behavior modification)
What parents wantParents generally want to know how
to be a positive force or influence in their children’s lives . . . So their children turn out relatively happy and free (e.g., not in prison)
Direct Power: Behavior modification, etc.
Indirect Power: Modeling, manipulating
Problem-Solving Power: Mutual problem-solving
Relationship Power: Special time
The new attitude (eliminate the dread) Grandma’s Rule and passionate rewards and
boring punishment (direct power) Character feedback (indirect power) Seven magic choice theory words (relationship
power): “I want you . . . but it’s your choice . . . Mutual problem-solving (problem-solving
power)
Watch for: Who’s talking now What parent-child dynamics are being
addressed Mutual problem-solving
What will you remember?
What will you try out?
You’re the kind of teachers/counselors
http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-1118012968,descCd-DOWNLOAD.html
To access 10 tip sheets and/or “follow” John’s blog go to johnsommersflanagan.wordpress.com or johnsommersflanagan.com
Gershoff, E. T. (2002). Corporal punishment by parents and associated child behaviors and experiences: A meta-analytic and theoretical review. Psychological Bulletin, 128(4), 539-579.
Holcomb-McCoy, C., & Bryan, J. (2010). Advocacy and Empowerment in parent consultation: Implications for theory and practice. Journal of Counseling and Development, 88, 259-268.
Johnson, D. C., Harrison, B. C., Burnett, M. F., & Emerson, P. (2003). Deterrents to participation in parenting education. Family & Consumer Sciences Research Journal, 31, 403-424.
Lassally, R. (2009). True mom confessions: Real moms get real. New York: Penguin Group
Murphy, J. J. (2008). Solution-focused counseling in middle and high schools. Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association.
Sommers-Flanagan, J. (2011). How to listen so parents will talk and talk so parents will listen. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.
Sommers-Flanagan, J. (2007). Single-session consultations for parents: A preliminary investigation. The Family Journal 15, 24-29.
Sommers-Flanagan, R., & Sommers-Flanagan, J. (2003). Problem child or quirky kid. Minneapolis: Free Spirit.
Vazquez, C. I. (2004). Parenting with pride Latino Style. New York: Harper-Collins