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8/27/2015 How To Differentiate Healthy Love From Obsession How To Win a Man's Heart

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December 11,2014 in Relationship Advice by admin

How To Differentiate Healthy Love FromObsession# 1. Courage and willingness to look for the underlying drivers that keep a personfrom facing reality is the key to breaking out of obsessive love

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Better to ask, how do you differentiate fantasy from reality anywhere inyour life? Obsessive love is a fantasy expectation of an egocenteredoutcome based upon idealized romantic illusion. It is a prewritten scriptthat requires an often unsuspecting partner to memorize the lines andnot expect to ever alter them.

In other words, to be in an obsessive love relationship is to play a role that is clearlydefined before you ever meet that person, and to play that role with passion andcommitment. Very often both partners are following each of their individual onesidedexpectations and happen to dovetail during the lust/obsessive beginning of mostrelationships. It is only when the internal baggage emerges that they feel the anguish ofthe eventual disappointment that must ensue.

Obsessive love has many faces but some are more evident. Perhaps the most obvious isthe need to possess and control the other partner’s every thought and action. Withoutaccess to that information, an obsessive love becomes painfully insecure, paranoid, anddeeply anxious. He or she may go to great lengths to gain information as to thewhereabouts, relationships, or experiences the other partner might be having that couldhave a negative impact on the relationship. That can be evidenced by ruminating,nagging, investigating, and emotional tantrums when the fear of loss appears potentiallylikely.

Another common characteristic of an obsession is constant expectation of reassurancethat love will never die, that passion will never lapse, and that commitment will never die.There is an intense focus on future security and an ongoing terror that there will be noability to survive if the relationship ends. An obsessed lover looks and feels like a smallchild who is sure that his or her loveobject will disappear if out of sight.

The third manifestation of obsessive love is intense focus. Whatever else might havebeen important or demanded priority before a relationship begins, soon is almostrelegated to oblivion. All other resources within that person’s cache are directed towardssecuring and maintaining the idealized partner. When connection occurs as it is desired,the obsessive partner feels much like an addict who has gotten the need fix to stop



hurting. When it does not, the anguishing feelings of anxiety, withdrawal, and inability tofunction emerge with startling intensity, much as they do to someone who feels theycannot function without that experience.

Obsessively loving people often attract partners who seek control. Because they are sowilling to give up anything to maintain the relationship, they will suffer whatever theyneed to make sure that other partner doesn’t leave. That can lead to acceptance ofhumiliation, abuse, rejection, and threats of abandonment that ultimately destroypersonal integrity and lead the controlled victimofneed to feel even more dependentand anxious.

Many times people who care deeply for these people try to pull them away from arelationship which, from the outside, is obviously hurting them. Sadly, a loveobsessedperson will often sacrifice others who were once very important as they defy rescuingand only push farther into their delusion. If he or she continues to recreate that patternwith each subsequent relationship, their backup resources often disappear, making itmore likely that the next relationship will have to provide even more sustenance andsacrifice.

It is not fair to assume that it is easy for people who are loveobsessed to give up theirpatterns. The act of obsessive love is at once both deeply nurturing and fantasy fulfilling.Until reality emerges and the relationship begins to falter, it appears to offer everythingthose people wanted. The predictable and anguishing loss that inevitably follows doesnot seem to deter them from grieving and going right back into the next relationshipwithout their fantasies being daunted in any way. If there are no relationships that follow,they may accept living in daydreams and memories, rather than being able to leavethose nowin patterns behind.

Breaking out of being an obsessive lover takes great courage and the willingness to lookfor the underlying drivers that keep a person from facing reality. Childhood attachmentloss that can leave a gaping immature wound is one of them. Growing up without beingtaught how to face and mold reality is another. Being unable to face a romantic existencethat is devoid of the possibility of meeting a person’s basic needs is a third.

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Perhaps the most powerful healing comes from finding a partner who neither indulgesnor abandons, but sees beneath the obsessive love partner’s core goodness andlegitimate fear. Then the reassurance is not made up of false promises of forevercommitment, but a continuous and authentic valuing of what is worthy and desirableindependent of the need to sacrifice self to be secure. That kind of partner is an ally inhealing and must not have his or her own underlying motives to rescue or fix.

People who love obsessively have positive qualities that are out of control and too easilyexploited. But they are valuable and positive attributes when they are reciprocal. Theyknow how to sacrifice for the good of another, they care deeply about the people theylove, and they are able to adjust, adapt, and accommodate to the legitimate needs ofanother. It is only when they are looping through another to keep their own demons atbay that they cannot use those attributes in a healthy way.

Dr. Randi Gunther – www.randigunther.com

# 2. Inquire within

The best way to tell the difference between obsession and healthy loveis to inquire within. What are the motives behind your feelings?Obsession most often reigns from a “needy” position and healthy loveoften reigns from a “wanting” position. The difference between the twois: Obsession is trying to fill a void inside oneself through the presenceof a partner. Healthy love is already “full” but desires a partner to share

his/her life with.

Inquire Within:

Needing your partner gives the “I can’t live without you” feel.

Wanting your partner gives the “I enjoy having you in my life” feel.

Needing your partner is: “I only feel good about myself when you are around or giving me

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attention and/or compliments”.

Wanting your partner is: “I feel good about myself all of the time”.

Needing your partner is: “I will do most anything you say to make you happy”.

Wanting your partner is: “I will honor you while honoring myself as well”.

Needing your partner is: “I need to keep him/her happy or he/she will leave me”.

Wanting your partner is: “I love you and if you need to exit the relationship, I will be ok”.

Needing your partner is: “I can’t stand others giving you attention because it is attentionthat is taken away from me”.

Wanting your partner is: “I love seeing/watching how others interact with you”.

Needing your partner is: “I have very few boundaries when it comes to you”.

Wanting your partner is: “My boundaries are the same with you as they are with others”.

Needing your partner is: “Your goals and desires can come before mine because yourhappiness matters the most to me”.

Wanting your partner is: “Both of our goals are equally important and we will worktogether to support each other”.

Needing your partner is: “I am jealous”.

Wanting your partner is: “I am secure with who I am”.

Needing your partner is: “How did I get someone as great as you?”

Wanting your partner is: “I deserve a wonderful person equally to what you deserve.”



Needing a partner is: “I have a hard time expressing my authenticity because I am toobusy making up in my mind who you want me to be.”

Wanting a partner is: “This is me. All of me. Authentic me.”

Needing a partner is: “I will adjust my morals and ethics to accommodate a space in mylife for you”.

Wanting a partner is: “I am strong in my morals and I will not be with someone who is notin alignment with them.”

Needing a partner is: “I always have to look my very best when I am around you”.

Wanting a partner is “Sometimes I am not dressed to the nines and that is ok.”

If you found yourself leaning more toward the “needing” department, it is an indicator thatthere is work to be done. Through and with a dedicated selfimprovement plan, you canand will shift from “needing” to “wanting”.

Kristen Brown, Certified Empowerment Coach/Mentor – www.sweetempowerment.com

# 3. A love is obsessive when it starts to detract from other important things inyour life

We all must make time for our loved one and it is natural to give moreattention and effort to your romantic relationship, but when you find youare losing friends, missing out on fun things you used to do, your careeris in jeopardy, your family is distant and you are less intouch withyourself, your love may be more obsessive. No one can tell you exactlywhere the line between healthy love and obsession may lie, and

sometimes even healthy love can become obsessive–obsessive love can becomehealthy.

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To ensure that your love stays on the healthy side, make sure you have many sources ofinterest and support in your life. Don’t couch all your time and support into that one loverelationship. Make sure you keep a bigger picture in focus when you distribute your time,attention and energy. Consider all your life’s needs and all the dimensions of your selfbefore you pour everything into one relationship. No one relationship is going to define orfulfill you completely, nor can you be the only source of fulfillment for someone else.

There are many dimensions to your life, and obsession constricts your existence to onespoke of your wheel.

Brett McDonald, M.S., LMHC – www.thedragonflyretreat.com

# 4. Love is based on respect, trust, deep friendship and real communication andrealistic expectations whereas obsession is like an addiction

How do you know what you are feeling in a relationship is true love,rather than infatuation or obsession?

Infatuation can be fairly harmless and is like having a crush onsomeone. There’s lots of sexual attraction and you think about theperson and fantasize a future together. Your world revolves around him

and you ignore your other friends and interests.

Your normal patterns of sleeping and eating are interrupted and it’s somewhat like a‘puppy love’ where you just want to hang out all the time with the person. You think theperson, without knowing them well, is going to fulfil all your longings, fantasies anddesires. You basically project all your unfulfilled wishes onto him, without any real proofor evidence that this is true. Infatuation tends to happen fast and doesn’t last long.Longing and ‘romantic love’ is not necessarily real love.

However if infatuation becomes extreme, it can turn into an obsession which is more likean addiction. You crave and seek a ‘rush’ all the time from the other person, like taking adrug.

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If infatuation is taken too far, it becomes possessive, jealous, emotionally out of control,paranoid and potentially dangerous.

Here are some signs of unbalanced love.

• The other person doesn’t love you back but you ignore that.

• You feel insecure and have low selfesteem.

• You ignore all the evidence that he doesn’t really care about you and is unreliable andcasual, rather than treating you with respect.

• The relationship is destructive to you and you refuse to let go and move on.

• You know the person is not available and you continue to obsess about them.

• You become controlling, jealous and paranoid and need excessive reassurance andstart checking up on them. You look at their phone and computer and want to controlwho they see and when.

• Infatuation and obsessive relationships are connected to dependency, not true love andtrust. Fear and insecurity, rather than love rules you.

What is healthy love?

You want to take time to really get to know the other person, before rushing into falling inlove. Love means you don’t need them in a dependent way and don’t feel that you can’tlive without them. It means you want to share your life with the person, based on agrounded authentic relationship.

Love is based on respect, trust, deep friendship and real communication and realisticexpectations. You both care for each other and encourage each other’s individuality,work and friendships rather than behaving in a controlling way.



Love means real stability, support and deep intimacy rather than the ‘drama of the chase’and game playing. It is knowing and accepting your partner as he is. Love is a dynamicprocess where the relationship is always changing and you are consistently there foreach othet.

Be aware of which phase you are in and then make appropriate decisions in for yourfuture.

Sherry Marshall, BSc, MAA – www.sydneyprocesscounselling.com.au

# 5. Follow the 4 tips below

Are you new in a relationship and wondering if what you are feeling islove or obsession? Are you worried that your feelings are developing toofast? In the beginning of a relationship, women can find themselvesasking these questions and more. The feelings can be confusing. Thetrue nature of the feelings can be muddled. And to make matters worse,at times, women are expected to keep their emotions in check in order

not to “scare off” the guy. So you find yourself in doubt about your true feelings. Here aresome suggestions to explore your true feelings and distinguish between healthy love andobsession.

1. Look into the length of the relationship and the experiences you have hadtogether

There is not a time table on love; however if you have just started dating and you beginto wonder if you are feeling obsessive love versus healthy love, chances are you areexperiencing the obsessive type. While feeling love and expressing love can come at anytime, deep love for a person takes time to build. What type of experiences have you hadtogether? Has he done something out of his way to make you feel special? Has he metyour friends and family? What red flags have you seen but have explained away?

2. Look inside to your inner knowing for the answer

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Only you know how you feel. Check in with yourself and see what is coming up. Journalabout your feelings and get it down on paper. There is something cathartic about writingout your feelings and thoughts. It will give you a look into your heart and mind. Interestedin meditation? There are many great meditations available on YouTube designed to helpyou get in touch with your inner being. Take ten minutes of your day and do a meditationon love and see what comes up.

3. Look at past relationships to see if you had familiar feelings

Do you have a pattern of falling too quickly in relationships? Do you love easily and endup getting hurt? Do men present their red flags later in the relationship? It’s important toknow your pattern of dating and to see if any of these patterns are repeating themselvesnow. Unless you have done some work around relationships, chances are you will repeatthe same patterns.

4. Look at your family of origin to see if you see a pattern

Is your father emotionally unavailable? Did your parents model appropriate relationshipbehavior with you? Our family of origin issues definitely come up in our relationships. It isimportant to have a good understanding of your own issues in order to be more awarewhen you are going into relationships. If you have an emotionally unavailable father,chances are you will find yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable men. If that is thecase, then you might be more prone to obsessive love.

Amanda Patterson, LMHC – www.amandapattersonlmhc.com

# 6. There are two very easy rules to follow to keep the love going

When we are deeply in love with the man of our dreams, it can certainlyfeel like an obsession. We can’t wait to see him, think about him all day,do little things for him, and just want to spend as much time with him aspossible. So how can we tell when we’ve gone from madly in love to justplain madness?

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There are two very easy rules to follow to keep the love going:

1. Don’t lose yourself. Don’t give up your interests and your hobbies for someone elseor to get that extra time in. If you go to the gym three days a week, keep doing it. If youmeet friends once a month, don’t stop. If you are on an after hours planning committee atwork, stick to it. Your partner may not even be asking you to do these things. It couldvery well be all your idea. While at times it can certainly be tempting to ditch our routineto get that snuggle time in, its crucial to our relationships and ourselves as individuals tomaintain who we are. Play this tape through – girl meets boy, girls stops everything to bewith boy, relationship ends, girl has lost herself and is starting over. Now look at this one:girl meets boy, girl and boy spend time together and also maintain own interests,relationship ends, boy and girl move forward OR relationship continues and boy and girlcontinue to develop as the person their partner first fell in love with. Doesn’t that feelbetter?

2. Maintain ownership of your actions and emotions. Many times when a person hasgone from love to obsession an outsider can easily see that this person’s actions andemotions are completely reactive. Their entire disposition is based off of someone else.Everything this person says and does is in response to what their partner may do or say,has done or said, or will do or say. If you find yourself editing your conversation andbehavior so that you are pleasing him or avoiding discomfort, you may want to take acloser look at what is happening.

By keeping your interests a priority and being mindful of your emotions, you will not onlycontinue to develop as the person your partner fell in love with, but you also will haveyour eyes and ears open to any warning signs in the relationship.

Brynn Cicippio, MA, LMFT – www.therapywithbrynn.com

# 7. Real love is not a feeling but a flow that has developed over time between twopeople

Love is in the air, birds’ songs are sweeter and life is dreamier! But wait, hold on, is it

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love or infatuation? In my experience love is not chemistry, connection,or an intense feeling. It is a behavior!

In the whirlwind of romance, we tend to get caught up in how goodeverything feels. The loneliness and boredom goes away, we feel lovedand lovable. Our smiles get bigger and brighter, our stress and irritation

with life softens. It is quick and intense and just what we needed when we needed it. Ifany of this sounds like you put the wedding on hold. It is probably infatuation.

All to often we fall for a feeling not a person. That feeling will fade within three yearswhich leaves us wondering who this person is and how do you get the feeling back?Well, you can’t because it wasn’t real to begin with.

Very rarely can infatuation turn into love. For that to happen there has to be a lot of selfand mutual respect and a lot of excellent communication.

Because the feeling is strong it clouds our ability to see who the person really is that isstanding in front of us. We are wearing the proverbial rosecolored glasses and areactually seeing who we want to see not who they really are. When the feeling is gone wefind ourselves confused, heart broken, in a financial mess and thinking, “I don’t like_____.”

Love is not emotion based. Because there is no intense emotion you can clearly seewhom the person is and can consciously evaluate their faults and flaws. Love is notoverlooking the red flags. Love fully sees them and says, “over the next 510 years this issomething that will fit with me and my life?”

Real love is not a feeling but a flow that has developed over time between two people. Itis based on a deep like, friendship and mutual respect. It is very honest; it is a behavior. Ihope this helps!

Cynthia Pickett, LCSW, LADC – www.cynthiapickett.com

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# 8. Ask yourself the below questions

I recently saw a comedian who started out with a question that we allthought was going to be another joke. He asked the following question“How many of you ladies had a man say to you – Girl, I love hard?” Afew ladies raised their hand and some clapped. He then said, “You justtold me that he is kicking your [butt] and following you around in slippersand a housecoat.” [I cleaned it up a little bit]. At that moment, the crowd

ceased laughing. We were immediately forced to think about love, obsession and abuse.

You know how you get when you first meet someone. You think he is cute. You want tospend time with him. You talk for hours every day and even text during the times youcan’t talk. In essence, you start to become accustomed to certain behaviors andattention. And then it happens, something in the atmosphere changes – somebody doessomething different [e.g., called at 3:00 instead of 2:00; decided to go to the store insteadof coming right home after work, etc.]; somebody shows up at your job; somebody startstexting your friends – the list can go on and on.

So, let’s talk about healthy relationships. Because a healthy relationship suggests thatgrowth, support, and respect of each other exists, we surmise it should be reciprocal. Inother words, are you actually in a relationship with this person? If you are, do you eachsupport each other, equally – are you meeting each other’s needs in this relationship?

Ask yourself these questions:

• Do I always want him to ‘checkin’ with me during the day? Or when out with friends?Or when he is at home?• Have my interests changed? If your mate is your only interest where you no longerhang out with friends or stopped that spinning class, there might be cause for concern.• Has my schedule changed? If you adjust your entire schedule to make sure you areavailable when (or just in case) he or she calls.• When (…or if) I am with my friends, is he the only thing I want to talk about?• Does how I feel about my day depend on whether or not he is having a good day?



• Do I get physically ill when he doesn’t call me or when we’re not together?• Is the only time you are happy is when you are with him?

If you’re finding yourself saying yes more than no, I suggest you reevaluate youremotions, your definition of love, and your relationship. What are your feelings andbehaviors really saying when you begin a new relationship?

Example:

Behavior: I smile a lot when I’m with him.• Meaning: He makes me happy.

What are your needs?• Needs: I want to be happy.

How would you meet those needs as a single woman?• Meeting My Needs: Engage in activities that make me happy.

Once you can meet your own needs, you will know what love really is.

Dr. Maurita Hodge – www.movingmountainsconsultingllc.com

# 9. The difference between healthy love and obsession is that one evolves intosomething deeper and more meaningful and the other becomes a “sickness”

Do you think about him all the time? Does he preoccupy your thoughtsand impact your decisions? Are you in love — or are you obsessed?

A healthy love relationship starts out with both parties thinking abouteach other all the time. You’re both infatuated with each other. You likewhat you see and the more you see this person, the more you like.

There is nothing wrong with that. But the difference between healthy love and obsessionis that one evolves into something deeper and more meaningful and the other becomes

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a “sickness.”

To clarify:

1. Healthy love allows both parties to have outside interests and friends. Obsessed lovewould be threatened by the lack of attention and time.

2. Healthy love is respectful of the other person and honors the boundaries set up by theindividual. Obsessed love oversteps and ignores the wishes of their love interest anddoes what they want regardless of what they are told.

3. Healthy love matures into a strong commitment, friendship and trusting bond.Obsessed love is controlling, extreme in its behavior and wants to keep the love interestclose by at all times.

Which have you experienced or been guilty of? Sometimes obsessive love can be lessextreme, but it can still be smothering, so be careful.

What can you do to ensure you’re not allowing love to become an obsession?

1. Improve your selfesteem so that you don’t constantly have to be reassured that yoursignificant other loves you.

2. Respect your partner and don’t feel the need to call, text or see him all the time.

3. Keep your outside interests, friends, commitments and social activities. This isespecially important while dating and in any longterm relationship.

4. Be objective about your partner. This means you understand his good and badqualities, weaknesses and strengths. You will not be deluded or misguided into thinkinghe is what he isn’t.

Healthy love is wonderful. When you experience it, you will have the ability to enjoy



comfort, contentment and joy deeper than you’ve ever known before!

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com

# 10. Healthy love leaves you feeling happy and fulfilled whereas obsessive lovewill leave you feeling empty and frustrated

Relationships are complicated and there is a fine line between healthylove and obsession. There are times when obsession creeps into anotherwise healthy relationship and vice versa, which further confuses theissue. However, there are some key factors to consider when trying todistinguish one from the other. I would recommend using the followingthree factors to check yourself: balance, reciprocity, and connections.

1. Balance: Are you able to find a balance in your life? Are you taking time for yourself,your job, and your friends and family, or is your new relationship consuming most of yourwaking moments? It’s healthy to spend a lot of time with someone when you’re in arelationship with them, but only if that time doesn’t leave you neglecting other importantparts of your life.

2. Reciprocity: Is your significant other as invested as you are? Or do you constantlyfeel like you’re putting in more time and effort than they are? If you are consistentlyfeeling like your partner doesn’t care as much as you do, it may be time to take a stepback.

3. Connections: No relationship should cause you to neglect your friends and family.Are other people in your life consistently complaining that you don’t have time for them orthat they never see you anymore? This is a sign that your relationship may be taking uptoo much of your time and emotional energy.

The bottom line is that if you’re experiencing healthy love in your relationship, you andyour partner are content with time apart, encourage each other to pursue your owninterests and passions, and effectively communicate how you think and feel. Healthy love

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leaves you feeling happy and fulfilled. Obsession, on the other hand, will likely leave youfeeling empty and frustrated because what you’re receiving from your partner is neverenough to satisfy you.

Sarah Hofer, MA – www.sarahhofercounseling.com

# 11. Slow down, touch base with your friends and keep up your regular activities

Obsession is sometimes hard to distinguish early on in a relationship.You just meet a guy and of course you are thinking about him andwanting to spend lots of time with him. That feeling is normal. However, Ialways tell my dating coaching clients that they need to slow down,touch base with their friends and keep up their regular activities. Ditchingyour friends for the guy all the time and not setting up plans just in case

he calls, that will leave you lonely and bored. Besides, you’re much more interesting ifyou have your own life, too.

If you find yourself wondering where he is or what he’s up to just because he doesn’t textback immediately during the day, put your phone down and do something else. You maybe becoming obsessed. If you’re searching online for engagement rings and weddingdresses and you have only been dating a few weeks, get outside and away from thecomputer. You may be obsessed. Find yourself driving by his place or his work – nowhere near you – to see what he’s up to? You are obsessed.

Stop, breathe and find a friend to hang out with. Engage in your life again and findsomething new to do. The right guy won’t be excited by all the attention, he’ll bethreatened by it. You’re throwing up red flags for him. Need help? A dating coach ortherapist can help you set appropriate boundaries and hold you accountable for yourpersonal goals.

Teresa Petersen Mendoza, MS, LMFT – www.familysosinc.com

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