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How to Deal with Passive AggressiveRelatives

Identifying Passive Aggressive Behavior Using Strategies to Cope with Passive Aggressive Behavior Communication is a vital part of family cohesiveness and sharing. However, it'snot always smooth sailing and poor communication is of ten the result of personality styles that either clash with your own or are just plain challenging toget along with. While you can be compassionate and understanding, it'simportant to not be bulldozed by the sly manipulations of the passive aggressiverelative. The passive aggressive personality type reveals a person unwilling todeal with resentment, anger and other negative emotions in a straightforward or upfront way. Instead, the passive aggressive relative will try to rely oncomplaining, being argumentative and acting unappreciated as a way to"interact". Of course, it's no healthy way to interact and you'll need to f ind somesolid strategies to avoid being sucked into the passive-aggressive vortex.

1 Observe your relatives. See if you can identify the passive aggressive behaviorsthey're displaying. Be careful to take into account occasional lapsesfrom time totime we all behave passive-aggressively for such reasons as stress, exhaustion, fear or

lack of assertiveness. The behavior becomes problematic when it's the constant way in

which this person communicates and treats others. Some signs to look for include:

What is this relative saying? Complaining is a typical sign of passive-aggressive

behavior. For example, complaints about being unappreciated and complaints

about their own misfortunes tend to be commonplace.

What is this relative doing? On the one hand, the relative seems to agree with you,

then lo and behold, you discovered he or she went and did things completely the

opposite!

How does the relative respond to new information or to the choices that you (or

your siblings, cousins, etc.) have made in your life? Feigning disinterest or even

outright ignoring the news, or criticizing or scorning your achievements under

layers of "wit", sarcasm or joke cracking can be a sign of passive aggressive

behavior. The passive aggressive tends to distrust the success of others and will

do a lot to downplay it or suggest that the success was a result of luck or cheating,

rather than accepting that someone might have worked hard for i t. It'll all be very

subtly done though, so don't expect outright scorn.

Does your relative express disapproval or withhold positive reinforcement? The

inability to give praise or acknowledge a job well done is a sign of resentment, a

key underpinning of passive aggressive behavior.

Have you noticed the relative making snide comments but then acting as i f he or

she never said such a thing? Or even going so far as to accuse you of

misinterpreting what has been said?

Is your relative being argumentative over almost everything you say or suggest? A

lot of "back chat" which insists that they have things worse, know better or shine

brighter can make for a very negative pattern. For example, saying such things as:

"No, no, no, that's not the case" or "Well, in my experience, that never happens" or

"In my day we didn't even have that sort of chance and had to work hard for our

supper", etc.

Part 1 of 2: Identifying Passive Aggressive Behavior
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Does your relative go on and on about how fortunate other people are and how

unfortunate he or she is? Does this person use the dreaded words "if only...", then

goes on to explain all that he or she could have done in life if all the stars had

aligned correctly? In listening to this type of talk, it can soon feel that this person

has an inability to accept that he or she has no responsibility for making beneficial

changes in life.

Ultimately, what is the relative doing that causes you to feel that he or she is using passive

aggressive behavior towards you? Most times it i s very subtle, although the more a passive

aggressive person responds this way, the more it feels "natural" to him or her and the more

blatant it can become over time. Determine what you find disturbing about their behavior. Is

it that they don't agree with you, or is i t the way they express their disagreement, i.e. gritting

their teeth silently, then saying "it's fine, dear" when you ask them what is wrong?

Evaluate the motives behind your relative's behavior. You may or may not know

"the grand narrative" behind why your relative behaves passive aggressively but you

will probably get enough snippets of what has upset your relative through the things he or

she says. This should enable you to start building a bigger picture of what ails the person.

Determine what disturbs you about this person's outlook on life and his or her attitude

towards others in the family, especially those who have achieved things that this personfeels resentful about.

Why is the person acting this way? Is it possible that Aunt Flo wanted desperately

to be a prima ballerina in her younger years but was too poor and married too

young to achieve this ambition, only to see a grandchild doing really well at ballet?

Maybe Uncle Georgy wanted to be an astronaut but found studying the needed

subjects too arduous, only to find years later that a nephew has been accepted to

NASA. These are not excuses, they are ways of understanding the narrative that

the relative has built their current reality on.

Do you think there is an understandable reason behind why your relative might not

approve of something that is important to you? In some cases, a passive

aggressive person is self-protecting initially from a bad experience but then

projects this bad experience on loved ones in the hope of protecting them from apossible bad experience too. It can help to see that a gruff, scolding or nasty

comment about your choices being wrong might well be coming from a place of

care for you, however misplaced on their own personal bad experience.

In some cases, the passive aggressive relative is seeking to control you, the

situation, the family, etc. This person may feel that his or her place in the family is

somehow threatened and that by being passive aggressive, a covert attempt is

made to restore the relative's power over others. There may even be a sense of

satisfaction in knowing that their words or behavior causes another distress or

second thoughts.

Another possible motive for passive aggressive behavior is simple jealousy. As

with Aunt Flo and Uncle Georgy above, seeing someone else achieve in ways that

the relative feels he or she has failed can be devastating and may even self-confirming of long-term failure to pursue dreams. In this case, resentment,

bitterness and spite will likely fuel the motive behind the passive aggressive

behavior.

Be aware that one key motive behind passive aggressive behavior is to attack you, bring

you down, pour scorn on you or show you up without retaliation coming back on the person.

This is why sarcasm, jokes, all-knowing statements and false wisdom will often be used as

a way to suggest that "no harm was meant", even though harm was the full intent.


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Don't let yourself become a part of the game play. The most important part of

dealing with a passive aggressive relative (and family ties do make the emotional

heartstrings tug harder), is learning to not get annoyed. Rehearse good thinking patterns in

your head before you come into contact with the particular relative againa li ttle mental

role-playing can help you to avoid panicking and giving in to the subtle pressures.

Tell yourself something like: "Granny is being passive aggressive again. I love her

heaps but I won't let her mess with my head like this anymore. She is bi tter about X

but that won't impede me from doing what I have set out to do". Or, "Jon is being

unfair and is trying to sabotage me by saying those things. I know he's behaving

passive aggressively and if I get upset, he'll get what he wants. It won't change

anything to worry or get annoyed about him. Instead, I'll either ignore the remarks or

stand up for myself."

Above all, stay calm. It can be easy to feel agitated or upset but this makes it likely

that your response will be emotionally driven rather than calmly considered. Being

calm will unnerve the passive aggressive person.

Confront the relative openly and politely. Once you conclude that passive

aggressive behavior is your relative's way of communicating (or not communicating)

with you, and that is bothersome to you, respond. Wait until your relative does or says

something passive-aggressive. Then, in a calm and friendly manner, ask "Why do you say

that or do that?". If your relative pretends that he or she didn't do anything, say "You said or

did (repeat what they said or did) just now. Do you not like my idea (or does my story bother

you)?"

Share your own feelings. If your relative denies being bothered by anything, remain

calm. Say something like: "Well, when you said or did ... this made me feel rejected or

silly, and it hurts my feelings." This is a non-aggressive way to remain open to your relative

and show him or her that the passive aggressive behavior matters to you. Your relative will

then have to explain his or her actions.

Often, this is enough to encourage an open explanation or an apology, even if i t is

put forth in a gruff manner (i.e. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad, I just worry

about your finances or your future/etc.", or "You know I love you, I don't have to say

that all the time!").

Follow up with "I'm really glad you told me that" or something similar. This i s a high-

pressure situation for him or her, so appreciate the little steps your relative is

taking.

Don't let your relative brush you off. If your relative retorts that you are just too

sensitive, stand your groundthis sort of retort is a putdown and not reality. Tell your

relative that you are genuinely interested in his or her opinion, even if he or she disagrees

with you, and that you want your relative to be comfortable sharing thoughts with you. This

will probably be surprising to your relative. Many passive-aggressive people act the way

they do because they lack the confidence to express themselves and face possible

disagreement. If you tell your relative that his or her opinion has value, he or she might drop

Part 2 of 2: Using Strategies to Cope with Passive Aggressive Behavior


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the defensive behavior and slowly come to interact with you on eye level.

Always stick to facts. If necessary, keep a record in a small notebook, along with

dates and the context.

Be a broken record. If the relative tries to twist facts, deny things said or done, or

blame another, simply reiterate what you know to be the case and what behavior

you prefer.

If needed, learn to be more assertive. Help can be found in such articles as How to

be assertive and How to go from passive to assertive .

Stop relying on this relative to do anything for you. If you are in the situation

where this relative has made promises of any kind to you, treat them as empty words.

Don't sit around waiting for a miracle; get on with doing whatever it i s you intended to and

find other people more dependable to give you any help needed.

If there is another relative able to keep this relative "in line", sometimes itcan useful to go to this person and express your concerns. It might beenough to get the passive aggress ive relative to stop playing games withyou.

Lead by example. By sharing and explaining your feelings openly, youare going out on a limb and risking rejection. This shows your relativesthat you trust them enough to have this conversation with them, and mayencourage them to trust you enough to do the same.

If a person insists that you have the problem, not him or her, and keepshurting your feelings, set boundaries. Explain yourself and tell thisrelative why you don't feel comfortable in his or her presence, or thatbeing around him or her makes you feel inferior. Limit your interaction towhatever you are comfortable with, but be open to reconciliation.

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